The truth is I was hurt, and hurt badly for what I know, and should have been, I am deeply in over my head, but I remain strong and proud and disciplined mentally and in spirit. I miss things, I received more bad news today as well as before, I took care of business and other affairs and matters.
I also know more about myself, life and fear, and who I am, I hurt for my past, but also opened it up, otherwise it will open me up. I resent what I did to others and in Texas, I resent what I had not done for myself, and lashing out, bitching and complaining, I miss things, I want what I once had.
But it feels better powerless, I learned to like the abuse, If I could not get it there, I got it elsewhere, san Francisco is a wonderful place of 800,000 nut jobs both left wing and right and insanity, but its home. I miss much of what I am and who I once was in my soul.
I ate well today, and am grateful for what I have, I am not fallen, or powerless but I have life, and freedom, liberty, and renewed drive, hope and a better future. I miss much of the past, but I left it behind. I want something more meaningful, all the things I under-stood and wanted was not for myself or my soul, and enlightenment is not always easily archived.
Furthermore, I know personally I am developing skills, life again and coping, the panic ends, and maybe just maybe I am getting better, Maybe I don't want the pain to end, I learned to distort reality, the pain and mind of those who have fallen facilitates me, But I want it to end, my life is starting to become better, in observation of my soul, inner woman, and child I reach more and more enlightenment for my soul
Myself, knowing more about others, web design, coding, photography, and wiring is in my blood as art, my mother had the gift, and I did also, I am so much like my mother even down to her hair, I miss my mom often, I wish she was here, I wonder if she approves of me, or my life, I think she does.
I think she was ashamed of somethings, but I made bad choices, learned a lot about myself in Texas and got sober long enough to learn to move on and forward I think.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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