Kick Start my Faith and own personal jesus, and grattuide of life of 27 years young

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Slept good last night had a very hot shower this morning went to bed around 5pm, woke up at 3am, very recharged and refreshed today. Went walking this morning, burned some fat, going to take care of something difficult in the next few days.
Glad to still be sober, Ill post more about my experience it further involves the San Francisco Police commission, perhaps Ill even get to meet infamous Teresa sparks( again I met her a few years ago before she was president of the commission at pride), whom I admire and have followed her carrier for a long time.

Yet part of me is missing, I find it difficult for gratitude. I find it difficult to readjust to a normal civilian life, but its easier. I don’t want the drama of my past.

Just thinking of some of the famous individuals, I have met and shook hands with I’ve lived a respectable life so far the past 3-4 years of my life have been fast paced, with its ups and downs, drama, fear, horror, good choices and bad mistakes and poor judgment.

Interesting observations & current projects
Sometimes when Out and about, people out me as a transsexual woman, or a shim. Or whatever. Ill be posting my Bay Area shit list of trans-phobia individuals, businesses and other groups, or public service wall of shame. That’s sure to be some pride and un-censorship the database I am working on for my personal project. And its bound to piss a few people off, which doesn’t bother me, fuck yeah bring it on.

In the other factor I

1.) Bill white Mayor of Houston and former Entergy secretary under Bill Clinton
2.) Mayor Ray Nagin Mayor Of New Orleans
3.) Phyllis Frye famous transsexual atty. And lobbyist.
4.) Monica Lewinsky who gave bill Clinton one of the most famous blow jobs, I met her at a book signing
5.) Ray Hill famous for his bust of the dog food scandal, and the supreme court ruling (Houston v. Hill) which abolished “interfering with police procedure” which was often used to harass media, protesters, etc.
6.) Sgt Julia Oliver HPD who works in 911 emergency operations center in Houston emergency management Famous Transsexual Police Sgt
7.) Teresa Sparks President of the San Francisco Police commission famous transsexual police officer that does internal affairs
8.) President Bush (both of them) during storm recovery work
9.) Elder former president bush during Katrina recovery
10.) Former President Clinton doing during Katrina recovery
11.) Senator Clinton before she ran for president I met her during recovery operations
12.) Chelas Clinton in San Francisco once doing service work, I shook her hand
13.) Massena Davis director of the San Francisco Transgender Law center
14.) Lawrence as in (Lawrence-v-Texas) whom outlawed anti-some laws and gay sex or danced in Harris County Texas by the Untied States Supreme Court when George W Bush was running for office.
15.) Gavin Newsom Mayor of San Francisco 2 years ago I shook his hand in city hall when visiting San Francisco as a tourist
16.) Tom Delay former crook and mixed up in the Enron scandal in the court House in Houston
17.) Ken Lay former coo of Enron in the courthouse in Houston
18.) Andria Yates once in the Jail when I worked as a vendor & contractor inside
19.) Clarian Harris Once when In the Harris County Jail when I worked as a contractor and vendor inside
20.) Various seniors, and elected officials council members and others in the Texas political scene when I used to go to democratic and republican fundraisers when I drank, I can’t think of them all, in better times, and also heavy drinking and when I used to make border runs foolishly as a coyote, and a firearms smuggler and even sometimes worked for elected officials in dirty political deeds ( I sometimes solved problems, or ruined a few people) views which I retain anonminity about my shady contacts. I got out that line of work and retired.


Yet despite not being anyone noteworthy, but likening money, power, influence and drama, and meeting people and being kind with my southern hospitality. I am still unhappy, I feel part of me in not there or I don’t have what I want out of life, I make it, and I will survive but I feel I am in need of better, and want more and won’t give up hope, pride, power and determination.

I find I don’t want to drama, adrenaline rush even though nothing is more sexually erotic than high speed, drama, running and having fear I prefer not to have it, I choose not to.



The list for today
1.) San Francisco Police Commission
2.) Mail check and send documents to Houston & New Orleans & San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley
3.) Make doctor’s Appointment
4.) Write Letter and apply for jobs
5.) Rest, eat well lots of water, meditation and AA meeting




Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I have a plan in life
2.) Grateful that I know what I want out of life
3.) Grateful to be twenty-seven years young
4.) Grateful to be sober
5.) Grateful to have been able to be out and started my path young


--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

one day at time to zen!

4/17/08

The reality of my interpersonal growth, last night had someone around me who is obviously not working her program and falls into the GLBT spectrim, and got 2^nd stoned not by choice, and to most discomfort, had a very productive meeting and got back on my program.

NM is very co-depedant, it bitchy and shut me out and well I feel used, me remebering progress not prefection, I am powerless over other people places and things, despite the fact myself in my heart Like money, power and control and have a domnatirix, overburdending, nosey not minding my own business personallity, and am very good at being a busy body and minupulating things to my advantage or disadvantage.

The relity further more, of my interpesonal growth, enlightment and further dfevelopment of my powerless and defeat and admiting fault, and moving on into postive affirming growth and enlightment is true but also well freaky and a bit odd and obscure.

Today I recived some drivers licneseing things, and reports. I also checked out other factors, I uploaded more photos to my photobucket, Have a student Id to pick up soon, I also talked to My wonderful therpesit about things life, my transgender issues, my trnstion, anger, resentment, familty, childhood and plans for life and what and mastakes and pitfalls I made.

The reality of my personal grwothand enlightment further more explains the growth of my soul, peace and love and fist. I know more about my life, and who I am as an individual and recive peace, all of my life I have lied, cheated used and abused and minuiplutaed others, I dont know or understand real relatshionships my living in San Francisco has grown more, and even had flashbacks to my ealry minuipulation at 3 or 5 years old. Some of it I shall discuss furhter next week in theprey with my wonderful therpsit at the same bat time, same bat place, same bat channel and some regualrity, but being a predictiable creature of habbit, I have found some un-pridtcabllity but more postive, I must remain calm, focued and disiplained for my future greatfuly depends on such matters and the future of myself.

I know what I should have known than before and now, I know more about my soul, peace and love, I know who I am as a woman, and futher more an indpendant one at that. I know I am making the correct and proper choices for my future of today and tommorow, and continueing to enlightment and zen, I am right.

The also enlightment of my soul, and personal jesus, for my peace, I discover more about myself, and enlightment. I contunie to grow, and blosssom of the furits of life and being born again int the rooms and fellowship, the fights, the good times and the bad times, and progress not prefection of the rooms of AA.

I know but being quiet and listing and observing more, I make progress I know what is right and wrong, what I am and who I want to be, only time will, tell one day. I move forward.

I know I have to be quiet, listen and progress into change, and control my domnatrix personality, and my vampire personality and progress into enlightment for the soul and elightment for my peace, and keep my self-destrive, abusive to myself and others and desttive roller coaster life under wraps to keep progress not prefection.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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A open letter in Progress but Not Prefection!

4/16/08

The reality of being sober, Progress not perfection.

An e-mail to my geeky, gender queer sponsor.

“I am feeling better, I rested yesterday from 3 pm awoke at 7pm, and slept more, had an interview yesterday, and I also got more sleep, went to the our lady of safeway meeting tbhis morning, I feel better and less of a bitch as I have been lately, Ive been being quiet and listning more, I am sorry for exploeding recently at the country club, I rested good for my soberity and soul and feel better.

I awoke again at 2am and got up and showered at 4am, My back pain went away, and I got must needed sleep and r&r, I have been eating betterr and adherieing to my vegan belifes and following my religous beleiefs and have cut back on dariy, meat, starch, and coffee and tea, soda and junk foods.

I also am still working the 1st steap in paragrpah form.”

Yesterday Recap:

I am takeing better care of myself, and also Called my father to tell him I am sorry about calling his wife nasty names, sometimes I can be a cold hearted bitch, I also talked to a nice security guard downtown, and in conversation outed myself as a former drunk, who didnt drink in meetings and kept comeing back.

We were discussing the politics of San Francisco and Gavin Nustom, and the welfare and homeless issue in San Franccisco, given yeterday afernoon. And using MUNI for school commuters and the bad kids that need a good ass kicking.

Yetserday some rude kids pushed me a bit, and called me something, kids today are nastym, rude and have no manners the world has become a cesspool, and San Francsico whuile as librial as it is, Is an adults playground and not a good place to rase-childrent or have children unless you are very wealthy, live in the suburbs.

Regardless, we also talked more election politics, and I slept and had a good informal interveiw, I also ran into someone from the LDS church that I had not seen in a very long time afterwards.

This WEEK:

I have a counceling apointment and therpey apointment., and other things this week I am very busy. And tired and sleepy. I also burned out more and more and might go down to the university later this week. I also have understood the trip to Louisiana and Texas is NOT A GOOD IDEA, and think of phonix, and AZ or LAX as a place, I also found a auto storage place in South San Francsico not far from the airport (SFO) and The port and cargo plants, I also found places in other things.

God (of my understanding) Bless myself, texas, San Francisco, My Higher power and My own personal Jesus.

I have a wonderful day and life and faith restored.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/12/08

The reality of myself, I picked more about my soul and inner peace. I picked up new maps, took care of a few legal, banking and matters for the summer session at collage. I hurt badly, My body does ache, its bloody hot today.

I also took a trip and pondered a few other things, I feel like life is well a mixed bag of sorts inbetween up and down. I know what I want out off life, and in typical lee mannerism I will go to any matter or means to achive it all or nothing sort of like vegas baby.

Spoke to FN today about life CP did not sell the house in Cypress recently and more

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

My Day so far, and the test of time and zen.

This morning I awoke early left at 5am, and was out and made arrangements before hand. I ate ok, I also took care of other business, while walking down the street talking to a friend I got hit very bad with seagull shit, and have massive shit hit me in the mouth at sunrise, on my sweater, jacket disguising. I cleaned up and got it out of my hair as well and washed my mother out with saltwater and threw up.

I got my post office box, did some student loan paper work, and other parts, wrote some HTML, and php and pearl and ascriptive for my site, and server. I also did some work for someone doing web submissions and search engine ranking, and suggested some changes to their meta tags that has a small business site, but its sort of lacking in skills.

I went back to eating once day, and doing the veg and going closer toward vegan. I have been taking much better care of myself, I also saw my g/f this morning and we kissed, well we like each other a lot and are close but keep our relationship very well secret. And I draw the boudoirs of sobriety. Shes bi-sexual I dunno, younger than I, doesn't quite have what I have but is over 21. but still younger than 27 but insecure also as well and in other areas well is well sort of. I dunno I should not be dating in severity.

And due to conflicts of interests we need to keep our relationship secret for my reason and hers, its odd and obscure and something we hide, due to conflicts of interests in both of us, but she has a lot of drama, and I donut let it get me down, sort of like Bosnia and I.

Have a doctors appointment later, other commitments, and made my service commitment yesterday and also have some more aggressive job hunting the bad storm systems are coming in today. My holiday yesterday was quasi productive kind of.

I went to a meeting today and have a meeting planned for later and laundry over the weekend.

I also have something to say, “all My exes live in Texas, thats why I hung my hat in San Francisco. I fly on the southwest pain to New Orleans and fire up my pickup truck and let two hundred and seventy five horse power flow, down the highway, and I love this bar in Houston, but I pass it by and keep going to meetings. And reach enlightenment, and every day is Halloween and out in san francisco I am a redneck woman.”

I have a doctors appointment, group later this week for outpoint substance abuse, and to get my hormone levels checked, and a few shots, and go to a trans gender support meeting as well. I have plans and get ready for life again. I also dreamed a bit and the nightmares have stopped, the antidepressants I filled over the weekend, have me perky and happy and in love with myself and the world. And have been helping with the flashbacks. Its a very low dose around 10mg, and its working.

I might call MM today to see if she received the request for records

PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Feelings of life and love

11/17/07

The truth is I wish I could go somewhere tonight, but I know its not in my best interest. I feel sad, sick and scared and lonely, maybe I need sometime alone. I want people to know me and trust me, but I hurt, I hurt and hurt and hurt I want acceptance, and I Want to love and accept myself. The holidays suck, I hurt badly and want I once had.

I hurt so bad and want to love and accept myself. But I cant. I hate being alone, the holidays suck, but I have much to be grateful for. I have a plan to goal to finish to be sober and I want to be loved, I have given up, but also am Afraid of rejection and people putting me down, or being backstabber. Or being hurt again.

I hurt so much, I want myself again but am afraid to find myself here again, I hate living alone, yet fear being alone. I have to meet with my tax, and trust and disability atty. I rememberer I had so much, and did so much to fuck up my life.

I have chosen to leave, I do want my life again, I want to work, I want to love, and I want a roommate, I want a nice Baja pop up camper again, I want to repay my debits, I want a partner in crime, I want a big husky, or corgi or lab, I want a traveling non human companion if I don't have any one.

I love big harry animals, long term dreams of a big 4x4 extend cab long bed pickup truck a half-ton and a big Baja pop up camper a Baja toy hauler something thats off road. I dream of the burning man fest, and a dog and fem bot partner in crime. I wish I had a good sober, d&d and adventure and work ahead.

But alas, school, and starting over. I hurt and have in my heart to get the fuck out of Texas, I need to be someplace where I can start over be safe and never ever, be hurt again while transitioning at work or housing or at least be afraid of being discriminated against via the law, and moving to one of the most pricey metro areas the San Fransisco Bay area my birthplace is a good choice, I must start over. And will go to any lights to scarface, but alas I must remain focused on present matters.

I have forgiven wrongs others have done me, and I have forgiven myself and started to let go and move, on and stand my ground in pride, I start to communicate and educated a bit on issues, I called a suicide hot line tonight, just to talk the pollen and my bad algerie are hurting. I discussed some over the counter cures with my more experienced sponsor.

I dreamed of something odd and obscure last night my body is in massive pain, my back and neck hurts badly and I am suffering but I am sober, have a roof over my head, have a few nice and positive things, and have something with 4 wheels that runs well.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)