Life and the progress in San Francisco

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Slept well last night, today working on a few projects for a client, also have therapy today and a few other errands, have a few doctors appointments also, and some research to perform for myself and a few clients.

Had another nightmare last night, I figured out why it’s around the third anniversary of Katrina, talked to DT recently about Louisiana Politics, Katrina, Harvey, and crime and geographical and economic change. Also discussed becoming older, wiser, and being alone. Moreover, hurt and sick.

The past few days the San Francisco Chronicle, The Street Sheet, SF Guardian, Sf weekly have had articles about un-accountability, extreme poverty and homeless and life in general and the seeder sides of areas like SOMA. Tenderloin, Castro, mission, western addition.

My paper work is safe lucky for me, having off site digital document storage, a file room and access to a co-op and other various arrangements, laundry is on the agenda, I also am washing a few things for a client as well as some dry cleaning.

The affirmation LDS GLBT conference for Mormons is coming up or former such in September on the city of angels, a good drive down the coast, as well as some job hunting, and the fact I might have a Transgender Man or a Queer female to go with and roommate at the conference hotel, or maybe get a motel on the outskirts of los Angeles, and split fuel expenses with the trip between us, in my 4 wheel drive tailgate.

I hope things start to go through soon, which they are in partial fashion, the conference could maybe wait till next year as well.



It mind boggles that such and so many GLBT folks , and average Jill and Joes could spread so much hate and tensions in Americas most labial city is so divided and open-minded and over intellectualized. I also feel as for my own political views, and personal reasons, jail or such could be an option, I hate this country, state and would not mind pleasing no congest to a bank robbery, but no weapon, no violence and a note, and spend the rest of my life in jail for Transgender equity, deny parole and repeat over and over. I would be willing to Scarface my life for what I believe, and who I am and for others. Not even attempting to get way, I would want deportation to some place willing, I would surrender peacefully.
That is insanity and crazy talk and would likely never become a reality.

I am a noble person, honest, grateful, outgoing, and stave for independence, I talked to DT yesterday on the phone about if I ever grew old, senile or ill and lost my impedance, I don’t ever want to be in a home and have someone take care of me, financial matters or other affairs.

I also know my narcissism, pain, and drama and inner bitch is not healthy, and nor is my vigalantisim and playing the fucking victim, I even need some accountability for my own actions, life and present cirmstances.

The meeting this morning was good, mike came in again, we had two throw two people, out the police were called, and I had a bad morning, and the nightmares around the anverssy of Katrina, my recovery work on the gulf coast. Lately the nightmares are horrid. I still remeber spending time in New Orleans Pre, Post, Katrina, reliant park, minute maid park and other locations in Space city. I remeber assisting in transport of ammunition to New Orleans for The New Orleans Police Department, working search and rescure in 2005/2006 in Houston a bit for a missing child during the holidays, and also becoming and joking the drunk paaty around that time from being an al-anon.

I called my good aquances ray hill (Houston v. Hill) head of the prison show on KPFT which is occaonaily broadcast in the bay area on KPFA, came to san Francisco Jan 6, 2008 with six months of soberity lived with a friend, than lost it all when they left, I have had hard times but I am sober, and attempting to rebuild my life.

I am greatful today on
1.) Being able to express my feelings, ask for help, respect others boundaries, and also draw the line at myself
2.) Being able to deal with others sickness in a positive affirming manner
3.) Being able to do what I need to do and not bitch about it and choose to surround myself around positive individuals.

I dislike bureaucracy, government and the way of system, but I know how to work through red tape, given my customer service, leadership, and ocd, and desire for protection and being an over-achiever.

I know I try too hard, I just have so much I want to do in life, and never want to grow old, I’ll be 30 soon, but don’t look it, yada.

Anyway duty calls.









--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

STOP THE CO-DEPENDANCY AND SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN LEE!

5/1/08

Had a very productive day in My program yesterday, Met a new friend due to the fact I had become more of a hermit, previously. And Had been very co-dependant, I met someone new, a friendship that might blossom into something more, I hope with this person, we did gossip a bit, and she is In Co-Dependant's anaononymous, and More for myself.

I also know more for myself, and where I need to go, I was very productive, I had some help with getting my split ends, fixed yesterday, I also got information and Missed a call. Due to being in the library, I returned it later.

I am going down to the collage today, and I forked over another forty-five dollars due to the fact my MUNI Fast Pass, Cash., and coins were stolen due to my inattentiveness, of my purse in a AA meeting.

I have a few letters to print at Kinkos today as well, some to old friends or old petty criminals and ex-cons that I know from the program, and during my drinking days, one whom Had a crush on me, some which are back in Huntsville, The Harris County Jail, and other TDC and one even in federal prison.

Called the folks this AM, the PST vs CST time zone difference works to my advantage, on most occasions. I spoke to RAP yesterday, I also found out an aquaince and long time loyal blog reader who is LDS are recently married (she's younger than I) is moving to San Francisco possibly her husband works for a Computer company which Has offices downtown , she's supportive of GLBT equity in the LDS church and very supportive of Transgender Equity.

I spoke to and feel and bit chipper, I saw some drunk males step on each others toes, and get in a fight and tossed, out last night I some some drunk yuppie, get tossed out of casa nova, not aht I go in there, it is the san Francisco equilivant from outward appearances of The Poison Girl In Houston, Texas.

I have a hair appointment at one of the beauty collages, I have my foot partially in the door, I sent- emails, and composed some HTML, PHP, C++. Java, XML, and worked on some SQL databases, for LEEMCG.COM 2.0 and the background various code, forums, and things I use to organize my personal life behind the utter chaos and disorder, I am grateful my server outage is back up.

I discusses smart phone es, mobile apps, and wireless coverage given my AT&t contract and I should have a San Francisco area code, and might switch providers, or have A metro pcs number and maybe keep at&t or go to sprint / Nextel. More.

I also discussed and had a very productive meeting at Our Lady Of Safeway On church street this morning in San Francisco, My new unofficial home group, right down the street from Home, the fucking insanity of life and irony.

I met with someone and got stuck up and out of self, I also want to get back on trcakc and loosed my codepenat, and move on ward, i need to work my program even sometimes not out of desperation

I know more about the selfish of being a stuck up barbie doll bitch, and finding enlightenment for my soul, I don't have resentments for what the fuck I did, but I did feel libration filing a police report, for the theft that happened with my MUNI fast pass, 20 dollars cash, and coins, lucky they didn't find the other bill fold. (I'm smart, sexy and naughty)

I am going down to the collage in a bit, I am relaxing at the coffeeshop, I invited MLS and MCG to a Transgender Picnic in the park this weekend, I also e-mailed some documents to the law center, I also am still working on the V-Builltan San Francisco Transgender Community Forums, simulr to trueselves. I continue to progress more and more.

The earthquake in reno bothers me, I worry about it happening and know the city of san Francisco, with its liberal nut jobs, and right wing nut jobs, and just plain insanity that keeps this city from going canibus crazy with it self.

I love more about life, and out of self, I took care of of savings, a few financial matters and also a few other affairs which I still have some time to work out,. I have much to do. I also have things to work out to get out of self, I know its hard to admit defeat but in my own program with many sponsors, while attempting to work the steps, I built a good foundation about relapse prevention and suck out of self, I've though of going to eating disorder meetings, and anger meetings and other parts maybe even debit meetings, San Francisco has every ducking type of 12-step meeting maybe we need a 12-step anonymous for people who take 12 stepping to seriously and cant make progress in life.

I composed a few letters to folks I know In Houston, New Orleans, Jail / Prison, Creditors, Friends, Foes, Employers and resentments toward folks. Anyway My day must go on lately ive been thinking to much spend to much time on the internet. And being lonely is not a good thing.

CO

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

The Answer is, I Don;t Know, I just keep coming back!

4/18/08

The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundaries, I don't understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.

Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my San Francisco resources, I didn't have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I managed to take another shower or half ass, I still smell clean and pissy.

I am a bit in good spirits, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Standards southern hospitably, but friendly tell it AS IT is, personality. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habits but not the drinking, I learned to be evil, a liar and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.

I have had some early child-flashbacks living in San Francisco, I also learned more about my own personal jesus. I also learned I am better when I don't get to caught in self, and Listen more and respect outs boundaries and not even though my over observation, and good detective skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assailant given I was a bright child, and highly intelligent.

I feel more with my own personal Recovery depends on service, resigning the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightenment for my soul, and heart mind and body is a temple.

I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightenment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightening for my soul. I learned more and more about myself and continue to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.

Powerless over the past, I have power over the present minute, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.

I slept good last night, had plumbing problems this morning (San Francisco is a old city) I also took care of other things, rested, ate grilled seasoned potato's, coffee, ice water, grilled onions, grilled garlic

I went walking, called the folks, took care of other things, might have to move to a different living arrangement due to plumbing and other things. I rested more, walked and fellowship with a new comer, I like life, and took care of other things, but I don't need codependacy or other parts.

I sent a few e-mails out and helped a new comer with some parts of my past and binge drinking days, I received a copy of my driving record, I am going to get my truck and property most is gone trucked to phoenix, LAX, or San Deigo.

I also composed code, the weather is lovely, I uploaded some recent photos, I have a few papers to compose for school, personal, personal business, and step work.

Myself, I worked more on setting up the servers content management system for leemcg.com 3.0 (2.0) was created than removed very very briefly, and released as 1.1, yada, yada its present form.

I also am setting up the forums, chat, and is modeled for outreach and work simulr to Christians TransHouston site, whom my resentment, towards self, and others but I move on in my planner to today.

And is also why I am not taking my flight in august to New Orleans International airport, from Oakland International Airport. I found a place to store my picked close to the San Francisco Airport outside San Francisco in the city of south sun Francisco, not far from 101, and the big mountains and hiking which you can go camping in 4x4 pickup trucks.

The other factor, is I am sober today, I am not going to drink today, get angry, go insane, or take drugs or drink. I live pretty vegan, straight edge and somewhat simple. Just some material things I am not ready to part with.

I also don't know what I want I spent all of my 27 years around others ideals, beliefs, I don't know who the real lee is per say. I will find her, I have these mixture of emotions, I don't have anger at males, other Lesbians, Transgenders, Gays, Bisexuals, Gender Quuers, Youth, drugs, crackpots, fallen women, or women of the night, I make progress not perfection.

I am grateful I enevr had to escort, drug, or other things, but I did abuse HRT and steroids, 9 months and 6 days ago was my last drink, and for that I am turely greatful. We do what we must to make it in the world.

I had to walk away because the biggest resentment in Houston was myself, not anyone sle, I had to make a new me. Its hard, but I am learning to be quiet and listen, and my cruch ona Russian lesbian has gone with the wind, I am to young in sobriety for relationships, but I have the fellowship of AA, and sobetrity and clarity, the answer is how it works.......... I don't know, I just keep coming back, and somehow it works out, one day at a time.

Your sister in sobriety Leigh.

4/18/08

The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundeires, I dont understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.

Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my san francsico resocues, I didnt have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I manged to take another shower or half ass, I still smeel clean and pissy.

I am a bit in good spsirts, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Sandards southern hosptialy, but friendly tell it aS IT is, personallity. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habbits but not the drinking, I leanred to be evil, a lier and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.

I have had some early child-flashbacks living in san francsico, I also learned more about my own personal jesus.I also learned I am better when I dont get to caught in self, and Listen more and respct outs bournderies and not even though my over observation, and good detectiuve skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assaitanct given I was a bright child, and highly intellegent.

I feel more with my own perosnal Recovery depends on service, rasiging the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightment for my soul, and hearnt mind and body is a temple.

I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightinging for my soul. I leanred more and more about myself and contunie to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.

Powerless oever the past, I have power over the presnt minuite, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.

Last Night I slept good, had some bathroom plubming problems (san francisco is a old city) and ate good roasted seasoned potatios, coffee, water, and grilled onions and garlic.

I went to my meeting, socialized, fellowshiped with service to a newcomer, and took care of a few other things

Lee McInnis Gaetjens

Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/18/08

The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundeires, I dont understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.

Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my san francsico resocues, I didnt have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I manged to take another shower or half ass, I still smeel clean and pissy.

I am a bit in good spsirts, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Sandards southern hosptialy, but friendly tell it aS IT is, personallity. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habbits but not the drinking, I leanred to be evil, a lier and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.

I have had some early child-flashbacks living in san francsico, I also learned more about my own personal jesus.I also learned I am better when I dont get to caught in self, and Listen more and respct outs bournderies and not even though my over observation, and good detectiuve skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assaitanct given I was a bright child, and highly intellegent.

I feel more with my own perosnal Recovery depends on service, rasiging the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightment for my soul, and hearnt mind and body is a temple.

I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightinging for my soul. I leanred more and more about myself and contunie to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.

Powerless oever the past, I have power over the presnt minuite, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.

Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/18/08

The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundeires, I dont understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.

Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my san francsico resocues, I didnt have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I manged to take another shower or half ass, I still smeel clean and pissy.

I am a bit in good spsirts, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Sandards southern hosptialy, but friendly tell it aS IT is, personallity. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habbits but not the drinking, I leanred to be evil, a lier and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.

I have had some early child-flashbacks living in san francsico, I also learned more about my own personal jesus.I also learned I am better when I dont get to caught in self, and Listen more and respct outs bournderies and not even though my over observation, and good detectiuve skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assaitanct given I was a bright child, and highly intellegent.

I feel more with my own perosnal Recovery depends on service, rasiging the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightment for my soul, and hearnt mind and body is a temple.

I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightinging for my soul. I leanred more and more about myself and contunie to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.

Powerless oever the past, I have power over the presnt minuite, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.

Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

A open letter in Progress but Not Prefection!

4/16/08

The reality of being sober, Progress not perfection.

An e-mail to my geeky, gender queer sponsor.

“I am feeling better, I rested yesterday from 3 pm awoke at 7pm, and slept more, had an interview yesterday, and I also got more sleep, went to the our lady of safeway meeting tbhis morning, I feel better and less of a bitch as I have been lately, Ive been being quiet and listning more, I am sorry for exploeding recently at the country club, I rested good for my soberity and soul and feel better.

I awoke again at 2am and got up and showered at 4am, My back pain went away, and I got must needed sleep and r&r, I have been eating betterr and adherieing to my vegan belifes and following my religous beleiefs and have cut back on dariy, meat, starch, and coffee and tea, soda and junk foods.

I also am still working the 1st steap in paragrpah form.”

Yesterday Recap:

I am takeing better care of myself, and also Called my father to tell him I am sorry about calling his wife nasty names, sometimes I can be a cold hearted bitch, I also talked to a nice security guard downtown, and in conversation outed myself as a former drunk, who didnt drink in meetings and kept comeing back.

We were discussing the politics of San Francisco and Gavin Nustom, and the welfare and homeless issue in San Franccisco, given yeterday afernoon. And using MUNI for school commuters and the bad kids that need a good ass kicking.

Yetserday some rude kids pushed me a bit, and called me something, kids today are nastym, rude and have no manners the world has become a cesspool, and San Francsico whuile as librial as it is, Is an adults playground and not a good place to rase-childrent or have children unless you are very wealthy, live in the suburbs.

Regardless, we also talked more election politics, and I slept and had a good informal interveiw, I also ran into someone from the LDS church that I had not seen in a very long time afterwards.

This WEEK:

I have a counceling apointment and therpey apointment., and other things this week I am very busy. And tired and sleepy. I also burned out more and more and might go down to the university later this week. I also have understood the trip to Louisiana and Texas is NOT A GOOD IDEA, and think of phonix, and AZ or LAX as a place, I also found a auto storage place in South San Francsico not far from the airport (SFO) and The port and cargo plants, I also found places in other things.

God (of my understanding) Bless myself, texas, San Francisco, My Higher power and My own personal Jesus.

I have a wonderful day and life and faith restored.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/12/08

The reality of myself, I picked more about my soul and inner peace. I picked up new maps, took care of a few legal, banking and matters for the summer session at collage. I hurt badly, My body does ache, its bloody hot today.

I also took a trip and pondered a few other things, I feel like life is well a mixed bag of sorts inbetween up and down. I know what I want out off life, and in typical lee mannerism I will go to any matter or means to achive it all or nothing sort of like vegas baby.

Spoke to FN today about life CP did not sell the house in Cypress recently and more

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

04/10/08

tHE RELAITY OF TODAY, my body is not in as much pain, had a wonderful meeting, this moring allmost had a fight and some insanity in the meeting. We also had other issues this morning, I felt very good, and got hit on 10 times in safeway and mamed bit today. I am feeling very good, I was called miss gaetjens today also.

I feel good today and my day is going well, lunch is on the adgenda after therpey and some other finace matters and things for my upcoming trip and travel plans, I also have other factors on my own personal adgenda for today

I slept good, had a wonderful shower, and lauughed and learned and ran into a old friend in the prograam, the olympic torch was un-eventful and san francisco ddint burn it self into World War III or D-day as predicted by the mainstream media.

I have therpey ina bit, and a few other factor and I dropped off the documents for the doctors office and medical insruance. I also did some reasoning I have to run more, and more and do more. And I have more to do and I talked to fellow, up.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

-

04/06/08

The reality of my life and what I understand, I hurt and hurt and hurt and if I dont feel better soon, I made a choice and plan of action on how to deal with my resenemtns in a manner which wont harm anyone. I am hurting because I hurt myself in houston, and wore out my welcome the memories are too painful to live there, and in my reality of what I need to do you me, I know more about myself, life and fear, soberity and death.

I have resenemtns toward myself as listed in a few prior posts a few days ago I know more about my future, I hope things get better but I have a plan “D” if it doesnt if A,B,C dont work should I stay or go, or spin around like a record.

I have prayed pondered on this issue, and meditated deaply in my heart mind and soul, and know the answer to life and enlightment for my soul and what life ensures, and the path of enlightment and zen and what I need to do for me, not anyone else. Even though It might be a loss.

I spin round toward the golden gate below, and fire down below.

From California to New Orleans, to Harvey, to Brooklyn, and Mepmphes, and Houston and Now san francisco.

She fires up her pick up truck the last time, boards a plain in faith, and enlightment for the soul

Takes a leap of faith sober and dies in the waters down below

The church of jesus christ of latter day saints is true to a degree, but they dont accept me.

I jump off the bridge in faith drop down below into life and die in faith

Maybe to be re-united in heaven or not or hell, who knows what only time and faith will tell

I pull the trigger for the pain, and resenemts I caused others pull the tigger and jump down in pain

Death is only footsteps away, now I shoot myself in pain, and I dont have to hurt anymore, dieing in pride, I send a letter of pride and ammends, and love and honesty in the death of rain, one year sober allomost she self-termantes and sends off in joy of the afterlife and other side

just a poem I wrote, I am doing well and alive, and have things to do, before later today.

I have prayed pondered on this issue, and meditated deaply in my heart mind and soul, and know the answer to life and enlightment for my soul and what life ensures, and the path of enlightment and zen and what I need to do for me, not anyone else. Even though It might be a loss.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Keep coming back, progress not prefection one day at a time

04/05/08

The reality of my life and chapter to my own gnostic and self discovery and awareness, is the fact I know more about myself than I ever did before, I learned more and more about life myself, and where and who and what I am as an individual, I know more now than I knew before, I know who I am, and where and what I am as a person and where I want to be in life, I know more about myself I also know more about my interpersonal life.

I am feeling good I have a meeting planned this morning, I am hurting as of late, I have laundry on the agenda, after My early morning meeting this morning, I am, tired of more and more of what I do, and need to for myself and what must be done for my soul, and what I need to do for myself, I am tried of hurting folks sometimes are nasty to me, and I understand more about myself. I want more for my soul. I hurt my body is falling apart in the cold.

I miss my family and other folks, I hurt more and more for my soul, I also hurt more knowing what I must do, for my soul. I also remember what I must do for myself, and life and enlightenment. I also remeber stupid things I did before, and in Houston. My biggest resentment is myself, and actions. I hurt often but I look forward with high hopes and optimism for myself and interpersonal growth.

I started composing some letters I need to send to Houston (4^th step) . I walked away, its the most adult thing I ever did my whole, Life, i felt unloved and alone there much as I do there, but I don't burn bridges here, I don't know why I hurt, I am smart, I also have a crush that I don't think would happen.

I discovered some more trans-phobia today when enjoying coffee more recently, some folks are nice to me, others are assholes, bitches and etc. I also just feel wok, The meetings make me feel better, i went to the doc on Thursday and talked about Christan and said the Prozac made my PTSD and depression worse, I hurt more and more. I also ran into a friend of mine recently, I am afraid of taking my trip soon as well, I feel overloaded more and more for my soul.

I push myself, hard, I have a plan to reach of enlightenment. I am a bit fearful of my trip, and angry of life and what I am as a person, progress not perfection, I wish I could share parts of my plan, but sometimes you have to make drastic choices during drastic measures. Maybe I will figure it out later today. I'm tried of this body, I'm tired of the physical and emotional pain, my health is in decline. And I am tried of hurting because I made others suffer. I was wrong and I have a plan to do some right with awareness, it might bring shame, but I would get my 15 seconds of shame. And make the history books, or at least contribute something more meaningful to the world awareness, fighting trans-phobia, and drawing attention to our cause.

I don't like the vigilantism spirit, or the pain, but on the other hand,. I need to vent and bitch the world wide web, at least maybe folks understand me or want to grow further in my faith and higher power\

The other factor is more of myself and reaching further enlightment for my inner soul and actions for myself. I know more for who and what I am as an individual and what Needs to be done for me, the path to progress not prefection, eating, resting, and remebering to access and think and use the 12-steps when angey or lonely and go to a meeting, and be honest and ask for help and admit defeat when I need to.

Regardless today I am greatful to have gone out with folks thismoring, to have a warm bed, a roof over my head, be sober, and well fed, and going to meetings I enjjoyed chapter 13 of the first edtion of the big book 4^th edtion, I keep comeing back it works!

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Saturday, March 22, 2008

Yesterday was semi-productive, I slept well, went to bed around 8pm awoke at 3 am as usual. I also met with Ariel and wrote code and updated my blog, website, and played Counterstrike yesterday, stopped by the CWP event and met with AL yesterday, at the coffee shop, I also know more of what and who I am, and know more of what I am and where I want to go in life.

I had the self-assessment and spiritual experience of understanding NM would not be a good roommate and AL mingt not be as well, but I also understood that I need someone sort of between the two individuals, theres a vacancy at nice complex, I also know more about life, and the power of a Higher power, forgiveness, resentmet and honesty and moving on.

I also dream more of my life, and what I had, and everything I belived and my value system is crap, and bullshit I feel failed and potrayed as an Indivdual, I feel hurt and potrayed and I talked about it, I feel embrassed and shamed and I shared it with those thatl, I trust, love and that love me.

I have laundry today to do I did not do yeterday, I also have a meeting on the adgenda as well as some fincial matters and mailing documents as well, I miss my mother dearly day after day more, and more

I also have to pick up my meds at the drug store, and mail a letter and documents and pick up mail and a package, and ret ready for church on sunday as well. I saw something intresting this moring someone I know from my past, in a viction but in the rooms, I also saw someone whom I might have resented much as I did

My fear of being abused recently a few weeks ago when reaching out for help, was apparently unfounded as well, and I am greatful to be sober and on my program today as well.

I also know more of who I am and my own personal past, present and future, and reality as I love myself, and know more about Myself, I spent allmost my entire 27 years of my life not knowing who I was lieing, and in so much denial and pain,a and shame. I sturrgeled with my faith, I converted to the LDS church for faith of who I am and the infimous religious cure-all. Which inverstion therpey does not work as folks know and is well documented.

I also know more of who I am and where I want to go in life, I know I broke free, but I hurt, I hurt bad for my sins againt others, I hurt bad for being hurt in houston, and hurting others who cared and tried to help. I have trouble leeting go of resentment, but I pushed things beyond repair. I am unwelcome and not any better than those who hurt me, I have to move on, and hope fate, a higher power one day can reunite me, or allow ammends to be made, but Ive accepted people are afraid of me, and well dont want to be around me.

The reality is I know more about who and what I am as an individual and myself and my own personal jesus, I know what I am, where I am and who I am, I need to go get my trcuk because I dont want it to become like DLGs 1976 BMW 2002 , I want to keep it in good, shape, its a rare trim (FX4 with the tremor package) and it is in good shape, the first new auto I purshed, and it was my safe place, and I have my coming out memeory in there, a lot of drinking storays, a soberity memeory, and travel trips and vacations and many good and bad memeorys and also memeorys or my life and things few and far inbetween, it was my safe place sometimes and was good to me, I plan to keep it to a classic, ford is discountinuneing the rangers after 2008 and it means a lot.

I had some french frys and cofffee this morning while composeing this letter and document, I also washed my hair, svaed my legs and did my makeup after awkaing at 3am, I also slept like a rock, Not a chevy truck but allmost like one. My dreams of life are becoming a reality, It means a lot to me. The reality of what Imy chapter to my gnosticism, I also know more about my life

Furthermore, I have much to achive I am young but becoming older, wiser to my insecuritys, stupidty and indegressions, and Know what I want to become, I know who I am, I dont care about others, which brings me to NTM she is ok, a good friend but she bitches about folks assumeing about us together, or when folks say somethingt nasty she reacts and causes a big scene, and profolks them further into rage and makes and fits sterotypes, her story is she is standing up for our rights, but actrully she is causieng a big scsne and doing more harm than well, and whonestly she makes more folks reads us, and draws more attention to us and dramma, even given the fact we are the same age, transgender, same size, body type etc. the diffrentrce is, shes stright im lesbain or bisuexal, asexual.

I respect her oritnetaion and values and she does mine, but she bitches and has to much dramma, and negativeity and poor choices and complains and doesnt push her self as hard, I know what I want fame, fortuine, power, and money and wealth and education and control, my life is unmanageable and I admit such and she doesnt get it, she cant understand the facor of my self, chapter to my gnosticism or enlightment, so I progress and walk away.

Anyway I have a good day, I am loved, I am moving on and working my program, and I make progress not prefection one day at a time

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Photo of me this morning

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The truth Is I do more, with myself and my life. I have a dream of inner most peace, I am greatful for what I did have life, sobriety, and renewed faith. I also am glad for being here, and alive. I miss my folks, I hope things come through this week. I am close to finical enlightenment, going back to school, at the young age of 27, I look really pretty, and am passing and blending in more.

I ran into a trans-man friend recently who is in the program and has little less than 2 months, maybe I wil sponsor him. I understand what its like to struggle with yourself. And suffer. I hope he gets it. I think gina masten is still in jail, I might go visit when I go to Houston, but prob bely not.

I dreamed more recently of life, and enlightenment more. I also slept good and ok, and have been taking good care of myself, and I want life and love, I fear being alone all of my life, I fear loosening what I could have.

I cant resent the past, Texas, Houston. Ive also noticed my emotions have been a little off the wall as of late, and across the board, its odd and obscure on how I feel and who I am as an Individual,.

Myself personally, its not all about me, and give me, but give back. I also had the enlightening vision of a future and life re-born again in faith, and my own personal jesus Christ as a I understand her.

I also have the enlightenment and a Bill of life, into my peace, love and higher power and own personal jesu christ, and had the enlightment of my faith and higher power. I know finace and fait, progress not prefection and life of who and what I am.

I know being in my present cirmstances scares me, greatly and dearly, into my own personal, jesus. I also know my faith, and higher power of myself and life. I miss my family, and friends, I miss having meaning but know this path is the step to rebuilding my life, I think so anyway. It hurts so much, and so good, bring the pain on within, myself.

I also know my family, church family and past hurts. My therapist conn clues and fulfills, my life I know who and what enlightenment, brings into myself and faith of my higher power I need my personal jesus Christ for who I am, and know what I do is progressive though slowly I make progress down the circle of life, into the path to the future. Ive been walking more as of late, and know its the correct path for my life and faith and higher power.

Ive been getting mamed more and more and miss. I also know my dad will always be my dad, and I have the resentment

I am loved, by myself, sometimes I get lonely, I hurt to share parts of my life, pain and suffering with otters, but I am attractive sometimes, I feal sexy today and beautiful more and more. I know who and what I am for myself, and love myself moreover. I am myself and own personal jesus chrrist

I also have not been sleeping as much as I should but I am taking good care of myself, I bought some new foundation this week, and tried out some new power and blush. I also did my hair again it looks pretty. I also have some things to pick up, I need new shoes, its amazing how fast you go through shoes, these got dirty sort of the canvas ballet flats, I should have picked a different color maybe I can clean the canvas.

I also have a few things I need to do, and for myself and life I don't know what, I might stay where I am given its closer to downtown atm. I also miss my folks, I further worked on a 1^st step and composing the letter to MLS and DLG

I also have to do some name and maker change, I'm going to get a noterised letter for the TSA when flying given I am terriefed of government officals, and law enfrocment mainly due to being abused by such, on occasion and sometimes I would intentionaly put myself in that suitution and matter.

I get hit on a lot not being like overly trashy I duno I have new wardrobe, I scarfaced a lot to achive where I AM and I am starting to reap the re-wards as such and the enlightment I have been given the gift of life.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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03/08/2008

Today I have more to my own chapter to my own gnosticism I discovered more about myself, life and my own chapter to my own gnosticism and life with progress not perfection, this morning after leavening my place of residence and solitude. I had one guy hit on me, a receipting collections truck driver hit on me while making his rounds, and a homeless pan-handler who smelled of booze, and meth get close to me, and try and intimidate me into giving over the money.

I don't show fear, I don't give a fuck, the only choice is to remain zen to keep enlightenment, and zen, progress but not perfection with life, love and fear of the unknown. I awoke at 2am this morning to peace, and took a nice long hot shower and did some grooming, washed my hair and other tasks to keep looking nice and pretty. I left at 5am and saw a beatufl California sun rise, have a meeting on the agenda. I also have other factors and tasks I need to finish and archive to reap the benefits of progress.

I also have more progress in myself and chapter to my own gnosticism, I have one more meeting to archive my mandatory 4 meetings a week I also discovered more about my own life and who I am as a person, I don't want the drama, and insanity I need, and know what I want out of life on my terms, but I will play by the rules, so to speak the written ones, the legal ones and some of the un-written ones.

Myself I discovered more of life, and fear of the unknown I also know more about my own life and progress but not perfection in my own, enlightenment, peace, and love of myself, joy of the world, and gratitude.

Today I am grateful for:

Being alive

having a roof over my head, food in my tummy

Moved on with my life, working my program

I am grateful for the fellowship of AA and 12-step programs, I am grateful for life, and renewed clarity.. I am grateful for faith, faceting my fears, and enlightenment and peace. I miss my folks, I miss Texas but alas I move forward

I also know more that being progressive in my own gnosticism and life, and opening up more I love more about myself and like being alive, talking about myself and becoming myself. I also think I know more about who I am, and faceting my fears.

Furthermore, The life I want to live, there is a saying I saw while watching a 1980s move angels in America, which the closet case LDS / Mormon amused me. The necessary choices in life are not easy to make but contunineing to make those choices on the path are even more difficult.

The other factor is, I was recently told by a former LDS person, that they want me back, to repent for my “sins” I am who I am, I don't chose this, I know what I am. I left because of the pain, I don't disbelieve in the god, I am more spirituality religious and more gnostic.

I this morning ate French fry's and a cup of coffee, I am loosening weight after some path of my diet and enlightenment, when I go to meetings I remain focused and disciplined and self-parent better. I went to the federal bldg, yesterday and TCB, only to have to return on Monday.

Also when entering it was a bit uneasy, the G.H. Bush federal bldg, is odd and obscure looking looks like a prison and is the state of the art, fed rial building and one of the only ones build after 9-11 and bushes term. Oddly enough they put it in san Francisco.

Texas has the George Walker Bush turnpike,(Dallas) and the George Herbert Bush Airport (Houston) its sort of like putting a senator Lloyd Benson or one of the other known segregationist highway through a black neighborhood, because he took the houses with emanate domain. Gotta love southern, and Texas politics.

Furthermore I am glad most San Francisco Resdiants had some light, or not destroying and land grabbing the Alcatraz Island and to knock down the cell block, and but it back from the national park service, even though its rough and a dark chapter in prison history, the best way to learn about the present, and keep the future around is to preserve the past no matter how painful.

I have to get a meeting today, and go to church tomorrow, and finish or amend my homework which I already starter ed working on my 1^st step. Again. I also might do a few rounds of CS (counterstrike) before and in between the good bad and ugly, I also was invited to one of the libertarian party meetings which I am an ind pedant swing voter, who is more libertarian/green + ind pendant.

My photos and other things I have some digital art, some html, xml, and php, to work on today. I also have some search engine optimizing to do, and to prepare for my flight from Oakland, International to New Orleans the drive th Houston, than to phoenix for the next leg, than to L.A. I might take a few photos in west Hollywood, and pick up something from Disneyland for the Talley's and Darline's Disney collection.

I also plan to pick up a New Orleans PO-boy and some good old fashioned Texas BBQ or BBQ Baked Potato. I also have some route planning, some accommodation have been made. I have an appointment this week at the collage. I need to print some documents before I ride the subway out there.

I saw a pickup truck that was kinship to mine right down to the few stickers even have the BYU license plate frames, yesterday I ran into 3 Mormon / LDS missionary's walking down the street I ducked in a side street, I hid from the Mormons. Mild amusing.

I updated my space, and face book, I also found someone I went to high school with from Harvey, LA and that is their hometown wow small world, and is the lead pastor of one of the church's and mission and missionary programs, I have some volunteer service work I am going to be starting to rebuild my resume, and maybe do a house-cleaning route. Or part time retail.

I also more over have life, and enlightenment, inner peace and the inner wild insane bitch more or less under control and discipline and continue to archive enlightenment, peace and joy and self-love.

Tomorrow morning I have to get up way super early and life will be a bit of a bitch, I have to leave even earlier than this morning./

Life is going for the better, and I am accountable for my actions, I am powerless and don't have control over what other people, places or things, and must remember hungry, angry, tired, lonely. I also hope Gina Masten gets her shit together. I think I figured out what happened, she called me late at night, the alarm keeps going off and a lot of false alarms, the cops busted her at home with pot and stuff and I think she is going to get help and treatment, I think she is going to get in the right direction, judge keller is not going to put up with her bullshit.

I think she also needs to get her act together, and do more for her self, and achieve enlightenment, and want to change, and clean up her, life I think forcing into treatment is bullshit, I am more in favor of incarnation given, you cant help change someone who does not want to change and help themselves, they just don't want the consequences. And I am 2000 miles away and cant do jack shit about it. Maybe a Class B misdemeanor for possession of pot with 180 days in jail and 5000 in fines will convince her to clean up and get sober and clean.

There also are other TG folks out here that do not always, do the right thing, I learned how to survive and picked up tasks and use my clearly for minupulation and allow myself to be positive and passive, and don't cause trouble, I don't go vigilante and stand up to every person if they refer to me with the wrong pronouns.

I am passive if they are not abusing, me if I feel I am not in danger unless its a health care, or legal, or something else as a libertarian I can choose to spend, my money time and matters elsewhere thats the beauty of capitalism and the free world and economy even if the corrupts the greed and hearts of men and yuppie business execs.

I also learned more about the world, I am not “banned” from anyplace, I am being very good and behaved and doing and staying out of trouble, harms way and overall keeping a low profile and keeping toward progress not perfection for enlightenment.

Myself, I know more and more about who, what and where I am I know where I am going, where I want to go today and latter in life. And I recently watched a new season of monk, and know generally where some of the scenes are filmed out in the jungle out there.

The truth about San Francisco is its not for the light and faint of heart, its for the enlightened and the California dream does still exist its just not this magic fairy land that folks expect. I look forward to miles of the pacific coast highway, Interstate 10- Interstate 5 and lake Tahoe, and The national parks.

I recently in one of my groups was invited for $100 to go on a retreat to Utah in the wonderful ZION National Park in a few months in a huge motor home and fleet of motor homes, I may consider this seriously, though I think I like being alone, quiet and in solitude, give me a backpack, a 4x4 pickup truck, cam and a net connection or broadband card and a charger or solor power charger, and I will be happy anyway.

When I went in the fed rial building I was a bit uneasy with the fed rial protective service, given things they did to other Tg folk in Houston, they were a bit uneasy, in their mannerisms but relaxed quickly and was pretty nice to me in general and I was well respected and behaved.

Furthermore, I encountered something else, my friend and enlightenment more and more as billy idol says in the midnight hour she wants more more more, thats sort of like addiction and addictive vampire personality's which I am working on in faith to my own personal jess I progress day after day, progress but not perfection one day at-a-time I archive more and more enlightenments, blessings from the God of my understanding, and my higher power.

Not to believe or disbelieve in god, or jess or the gates of heaven and hell, I just think theres something else, and more and progression in spiritual well being has not lacked or progressed as much as the rest of the world, and enlightenment,, but slowly with these baby steps progress is slowly archived into the light.

The other part is all my life, I felt like I was living and being a lie, nothing was ever good enough, I was unhappy, I was scared, the hardiest choice I made was to come out here on faith, and start over do things right with my transition, and to realizing people tell me I am a failure I am NOT a failure, I allow folks to make me proactive myself and optimism is key.

My mother was abusive, I was abused growing up, even HJM abused me sort of and I suppressed my feelings he hid from me, and tried to make someone out of Me I was not, I was 5 years old and pushed into doing things I didn't want to do, out of fear of discernment or abandonment, and I had to progress into enlightenment and faith.

www.--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Friday, February 29, 2008

Went to a meeting, I also have a new sponsor, and have a regular meeting my new sponsor suggested. I also left the bad housing suitution. and am going to work with my thrpsit on my co-dependency issues, social skills and being less attention whorish, I also am going to work on myself, loving myself and lairing to be happy.

I would like to keep in touch via, email. you did help me, I got off track with my co-dependency issues. my friend and I are still on good terms. I also am going to get back going to meetings daily. I went to the bank of America meeting on Monday. and my sponsor aerial who attends the marina dock, Monday womens meeting, who speaks highly of you.

I am sorry for draining, you and Know I have issues, I enjoyed working with you and would like to keep in touch, and am going to commit to start attending the marina dock meeting. and put myself, I liked the living situation but it was not healthy for my soberly, I have plans for a womens shelter tonight and I am taking care of myself, after 2 weeks of insanity, I need to listen more and I understand your choice and reasoning, I have even as young as I am helped and worked with and Had to let go of people I am working with. I have other issues I am dealing with and ariel can relate better, I think you are a wonderful person and sponsor, but I found a better fit. maybe at some time we can work together in the future, many years down the road.

I am going to get back to meetings daily, and I have a new "home group" that was suggested. My new sponsor is a Inter sexed person, who I have known ariel who goes to the Monday womens meeting at the marina dock. I think she knows you. I also left that bad suitution, the living suitably while better was not healthy to my recovery, but I am still on good terms with my friend.

I am going to discuss with my therapist today about new meds, and working on improving some of my anti-social behaviors, self-destructive and attention whoring. And dealing with my loneliness, depression and lack of meaning and presuppose.

I would like to keep in touch, but I understand you need space.

I talked to the folks, have some finical matters to take care of, a meeting, therapy, group and sleep tonight in a new place. I spoke to my divisibility doctor recently. I also did some of my paper work for school, picked up some of the money and took care of business and other affairs.

I did laundry this week, called the folks. I also took care of something back in Houston, not in revenge but in well sticking up for myself to late, there is someone I might sue civil matter given the criminal statuette of limitations ran out. Some folks who abused me, which I have plans to see justice.

I also let go faced more fears and insecurity, I also want to contact someone and ask to be welcomed but Know my welcome ran out, Or think it did. I admit things are not jolly fucking marry poppers, but I am at more peace, I am scared but I made the right choice even If I didn't do things the right way, sooner or later I need to go back and face my fears.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

02/26/08

Had a rough night last night, friend was sick, went into a seizure,and possibly cathartic arrest. I had to hold her and call ems, and take care of her, rough night she got sick while we were playing play station.

Anyway, today was rather uneventful, went and picked up mail some mail is beginning to be forwarded to san francisco with the change of address, and ate very well today some yummy black bean casserole, and good meal. I also feel very full and filling. I also am tired from the for mentioned medical emergency last night.

I saw a traffic stop gone bad, and a drug bust today. And have a appointment at a clinic tonight and later this week (Friday) I have a therapist appointment in the Castro area. I also uploaded some more recent photos to the photo bucket and blog. And worked on the TGSFO site and forum community a bit more.

I went to the library, yesterday did laundry for my friend and myself, went to the Castro county club, and a few other meetings. I talked to my sponsor who is still sick and I am worried about. I hope she is wok.

I also am grateful to be sober, alive and in good spirits, and to be able to remain clam druning a friends medical emergency last night, and helped keep her safe. I also was glad to be able to well have friends, severity and a fresh start and a friend whom I would trust with my life, and I helped save her life last night sort of.

I am alive, well and in good spirits, and regretful to have folks, family even if they don't understand, I see them less and less, I still love them. I still care for them, I am grateful that folks in Houston still care, I just had to move on,and one day I have to face them, my fears and be honest which I am able more and more through my fresh start security. And dealing with my depression and insecurity's.

I am glad to be alive, to have what I have Individuality, respect, and gratitude. I am grateful for love, life and well being true. I am glad to be sober, baa, and also for friends. I had to make difficult choices and still do. And it hurts, sometimes the best things and paths in life are not the easy ones to make.

I make an amend to a religious group who a bashed, religion, insecurity's and abuse and lack of action and inaction led me to drink., and I don't want to build a resentment. It hurts every day, I want to phone a few people my drinking hurt, or my threats hurt, but I cant, I don't have as much often. But I want to make a living amened, one day on my birthday a hot july summer I will show up in Houston for a week as a tourist to make those difficult amends, it will hurt, But I have to.

I need to look inside myself for enlightenment, I still have a fuck of a lot to be regretful for and sometimes I am selfish and I don't get it. I am mature, and growing slowly, and I am going to a meeting today. But I am alive, I am lee, and I am my true self, even though sometimes I wonder.

I am afraid that Ill wind up being a drunk, crack head on skid row, It scares me thats my fear, I am afraid of not being successful , not being rich, not having fame, not achieving anything noteworthy, not building power and control, not doing what I want in life.

And I am a selfish, cunt bitch some days, but I do have a heart even if as a Capricorn borderline on aquairious sometimes I wonder

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
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Sunday, February 17, 2008

The reality of life is not what you do, but what you don't do and who you are and true to yourself. The discovery of my own flaws, and defects and crimes against myself and humanity and having more compassion and allowing myself to higher standards not biblical but not thinking I am better than you or the next person, but desiring better and progress

The chapter to my own personal discovery and chapter to my gnostic and personal spirituality, individuality, overcoming my Trans-phobia, and allowing my inner child to grow without vokkia, beer, or wine or smokes is a desire in it self.

Meetings life to life, day to day, desire to progress, to change and positive optimism, and not draining like the vampire defect and personality I have but need to remove and change, the saying old habits die hard is true but the desire to change is change in self, mongering of your progress and achieving enlightenment zen, and life in it self beyond drinking, resentment, and relapse and insanity is a growth in it self.

Being progress but not refection and choosing the right, even when its hard, which I made, being a humble servant and the daughter of the goddess of my understanding, I proceed out of the deep dark tunnel that you know you have been down and where it leads, and choosing life, enlightenment, faith, chance and facing your fear.

I know I made the right choice, and what is done is done, and I am alive, and the weather is beautiful and progress is happening, I just must remain disciplined, faithful and choose life, and do the right thing, and remain focused and sober.

Laundry got done, took care of some other applications, post office is the plan on Tuesday, finance later, and church didn't happen maybe I need a meeting more and I must remain focused like the inner child, Capricorn border lining on Aquarius.

I will soon be able to fire up my pickup truck and let 298 HP ROAM WITH MY 4 WHEEL Drive tailgate into a garage I found a better deal and look often and not at plans when things come through which they are. I also have a new doctor to continue to prescribe my HRT and joined a outpatient treatment for folks who are sober, and thats good and catered toward my needs.

I found new more desirable housing in a womans shelter that is appealing, ran into a few friends, and some cute dyke's and soft studs hang out there. It hurts to see folks who gave up on hope, and life and fucked up trans genders. Oddly enough in a meeting yesterday we had to close the window due to pot mixed with crack blowing into a 12-step meeting and progress and enlightenment was archived slowly, only in San Francisco does that happen.

I also will get a meeting today, and found a closer borders to get my map of san Francisco, I also might go visit my friend again that lives out in piedmont but wont show up at MLS without calling. And have seen the Mormon temple in Oakland amongst other factors.

I compose this with hope, luck, and faith of a god, godless and my guardian angel of enlightenment, faith and a better life while in youth and progress, doing, not bitching, or suicide bull shit cry s for help, I live and have life, and feel alive, maybe I was uncertain, maybe it was the off levels of my hormones and other factors, but its happening, and I admit I am afraid, of relapse, death and being hurt or going back out at repeating prior transgressions, so I get my cute little vegan ass to a meeting every day, to practice progress, life, and the god of my understanding with other assholes, crackpots, fallen women, and drunks and those insane alike to keep coming back knowing it does work even if other don't.

And knowing my sponsor cares, and love me and I learned I have to put myself first, I have someone I like but she smokes, pot, bitches and has an abusive friend. And fell to the stupidity of san Francisco dark side, lucky for me I had a true friend whom I missed her call and hope she is Keeping up on my blog from the cab of her 2007 Freighter sleeper wherever her owner operate status keeps and and she doesn't jack-knife again.

I also love my family,f friends, friends of Bill W, people who cared, and acquaintance, those I need to make amends to, those who hurt me, and the power of forgiveness, faith and a better understanding of myself and the way the world really works both from San Francisco, to Oakland, To Berkeley, to New Orleans, to Harvey, Austin, Dallas, and the Lone Star Sate truck stops, the INTERNET, global and around the world and my loyal blog readers I wish others the best of luck and enlightenment.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)