The sad state of the health care system, malpractice, misconduct, trans-phobia, and progress but not prefection, and my so-called life

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Slept well, a little too well, my sickness was a huge misunderstanding and wrong medical progronosis. I also was very nervous of the possibly I may have been carrying around and spreading sickness to some individuals whom were very sick.

I also was treated poorly at San Francisco General Hospital by an X-ray tech, I contacted the Patient advocate office, as well as a legal firm to advocate on my behalf, I
t’s the second time almost a year to the day a doctor made a false prognosis, to me being a carrier to severe TB, what the fuck is up with the lacking of our health care system, and bad doctors anyway?

To make matters worse, the room where they warehouse potential infected individuals, was very warm, the environmental controls were not set properly, and I refused to sit in a room with at least one very sick individual coughing very badly in a germ filled cesspool.

I am going to be going to P0S today to pick up some things, and my big book and 12 X 12, as well as my other backpack, one bit the dust again. I also had a dream last night of my ex-partner in crime.

I also hope my friend made it back to aussie well. I had to reflash my AT&T tilt, and lost the sync cable to a pickpocket on BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) I believe. That’s one thing I don’t like about the bay area, people don’t have any standing up for themselves, or southern hospitably, and to many teachers, gangbangers, and thieves.

I received a call last night from a Support Group, which I had a disagreement, and did not repeat same mistakes in Houston, I told them I have some affairs to get in order before being considered to return, and had a nice peaceful conversation.

SKR is moving to Berkeley, and I suggested a meeting at the Berkeley AA Fellowship, which I occasionally attend. I’ve changed meetings a bit MB said hello to me on The SF Muni F Line, (I didn’t feel like the MUNI METRO subway today)

I also have had a reaction possibly to some defective cosmetics, and my face peeled, Or it could be the weather, I canceled my electro appointment today. Its burning and Im breaking out very badly, and feel nasty.
I also have to give kudos to the folks who DID treat me with respect at SF general yesterday duing the false TB scare, they were very kind and helpful toward me, and assisited me with finding the right place to file a formal complaint with discriminatory practices with health care.

I do hope President Elect Obama, keeps his promises to the Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, Queer, and Transgender community.
I also hope he is a good leader, and doesn’t allow terrorist or handles the Iraq war and middle east confulclts properly, I do worry about the war on terror under the leadership of Obama, as well as his safety with right wing nut job skinhead groups who have already made threats

before he was even elected there were attempts made on him, It would sadden me for him to be another tragedy such as JFK, I hope if the unfortunate attempt on President Obama is made, he makes out as well or better when the attempt was made on Ronald Regan, I do hope he stays safe, he is the first democratic president I voted for, and he is my president whom I voted and campained for.

I think President Bush is a dumbass for his stupid little ploy for the protected wetlands, which is a good thing but a political ploy in his last weeks in office, while I voted for him twice, and at one time was a Bush supporter.

I also think he has hurt and was wrong to Use the EPA to sue the State of California over its tough emissions standards, I was not a big believer in global warming, and envorminetllism until I lived in the most polluted, envormentally unfriendly, smog filled, city in the United States (Houston, texas)

I lot about me changed in Houston, My blood was shed, I found myself and found and lost god, and found god again, I joined the party and left it. I found my true self, at age twenty-four. I learned a lot about life and the hard kicks of life, spent some time in the dirties and nastiest county jail In Texas.

And I settled down and headed west, and found life and god and learned more about myself, and continue to do such

Ive thought of my domain TGSFO.com, and what I want to do with it. I am going to continue to set up the BBS system, and mailing list, resource database. I want to emulate it along the lines of trueselves.com ; transhouston.com ; beginning life forums ; and gender web forums as well as a resource and referral listings that the SF GLBT center has.


It’s a project in progress which I don’t have much time for at the present moment, perhaps Ill start decanting a weekend at the Berkeley Public Library, which I find to be very relaxing the downtown branch on the 2nd floor. I also find the SF Main Liberia sixth floor room to be drama and riff raff proof the special collections room.

This weekend, I saw Mike and Woody get into a bottle fight in the Safe Way parking lot and SFPD respond, I wish they would get into a treatment program, I saw one junkie get so wasted his leg rotted off and he was so crippled, I hope he got help or something I hope he didn’t die. I have seen many sad things, and stories and tales of addiction in The bay area.

I hope god willing our woman of Safeway does not restart the coffee service. That will bring the meeting into utter chaos, lately vie been a bit angry, and lost and distracted. I am working on that, I am aware my defects of charter and selfishness can make me unpleasant to be around.


It took me years of pain to learn patience, which by no means am I perfect, and to be able to let go of the past and make progress. I suppose I spent part of my life angry at the world, god, found god for the wrong reasons as a religious cure for all, than lost it because I picked the one of the most anti GLBT religions to convert to.
I carried anger around, and built it up and dove into projects such as computer gaming, tried to be someone I wasn’t. Almost married once in Texas. I also did cars, and was selfish, sexist, dominating, and pigheaded.

I took others advice, and suggestions as insults anger and resentments. I did nasty things to people who cared, and followed my father’s example in drowning in my sorrows of barrooms, tailgating and falsity wonderland, with lies, deception and using folks.










Gratitude List
1.) Grateful for friends and family\
2.) Grateful to have left the south
3.) Grateful to have president elect Obama taking office soon.
4.) For the wonderful foggy damp san francisco weather I love so much
5.) For having a wonderful sponsor


The List
1.) Pick up backpack, 12x12 + big book
2.) Check Mail
3.) Send documents to DLG
4.) Follow up with Transgender Law Center, NCLR + San Francisco general hospital
5.) Do homework for sponsor
6.) Call SF School of bartending, put down payment
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Friday, August 08, 2008

Saw my father tonight on the way to a group meeting / outing in Berkeley. I assume he was leavening work. He ran across the street to correspond with me than used the Fargo atm. I did not have any reason to commutate with him, or invite him to where I am going.

Mainly due to trust issues, and I don’t know him and am unsure if I want him in my life. Its not that I am unwilling to go to family counseling and talk about our distrust, portrayal and anger. He told me to back off and someone running across the street to talk to me, whom told me a few days ago corresponding with him or others would be viewed as harassment is a paradox and conflict in itself.

The only reason I contacted individuals (through face book) was again to attempt to have an unbiased or natural 3rd party to attempt to build a relatshinship with. Which I am willing but I am unwilling to put myself in a sticky suction on a public street and cause myself more problems outside the Downtown Berkeley Bart station, I also had memories of my childhood in the downtown Berkeley library. Comeback, and had some cheap hole in the wall Chinese food. A guilty carnivore pleasure.

Look forward to the support group and more of life to come and the road ahead, going to have to research more east bay meeting places for next time.

I am willing to go to Family heryuep with him maybe evne his new wife, at a LBGT coucnelingpalce, and marriage and family counter,. I also know my father reads my blog regularly as well.
Im even open to going to the pacific center if he is truly willing to have contact with me, than he is more than able to contact me, the doors are open but I distrust him on a street corner approaching me.

In addition, Yes I am angry at him, but would I hurt him no, I shoved him aside in sprit as far as I am concerned he died in the early 1980s when my mother left California. I do want to get to know and have him in my life, but I don’t trust him
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

02/02/08

Yesterday was rough sort of, my sinus infection is coming back. I am however in good health and spirits, the election on super Tuesday is upcoming as is the super bowl. I also have laundry and possibly some shoe shopping to do. And maybe get a few more coats.

I had to run across town a bit last night, and had some temptation of the wrong sort, and passed some places and smelled the sweet smell of booze amongst club goers. I had to go to three places last night before I got rest, and wore myself out and also had two mess ups there as well and other issues to take care of.

I spent a bit of today with thoughts and pondering, praying and wondering whats right or wrong. But know my path is the right one even if scary and unsure as to who, what, when or why I am here, only to have a spiritual temperance with myself, my sponsor, and my own restless and sickness as a individual and physical ailments.

Zen is en route I thought I would share a few more photographs.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

news and views and myself

12/16/07

My right side hurts, pulled something. It aches, as does my left side and my many marks from work and other things mostly archived in Houston, though a few childhood scars, one on my right leg, my head mark made in high school when I feel and split my head open in my freshman year I was known for the kid who busted their head open.

I remembered something more recently a Insecurity and self-development. And other tasks. I have laundry to process today, I packed, ate ok, slept ok, recharged and will tough things out. The wet and cold weather, Texans have no clue. I love the weather. I love, the cold, rain, snow, and when its cold.

I dream of telecommuting in Montana or retiring a ranch in the mountains and rural high life would be great, or a loft or townhouse in the bay area. The upcoming election seems odd, and disappointing. I like Dennis Kucinich due to his support of transgender inclusive EDNA but it would be to far left, Clinton is ok, but again a flip flopper, and a lier of being supportive of unions she was the first woman on the board at Wal-Mart and just dont trust her. Obbma has not much experience is ok, but skinhead groups and neo Nazi, and the KKK would really hate Obbma.

I like Nader and see myself as a green party, libertarian, and ind pedant swing voter.

The county jail bond failed In Houston due to the fact of total lack of law enforcement we spend so much on the city of Houston police department IT and information systems in fact we have a bigger IT budget than the other 4 larger city's in the united states, due to the lack of law enforcement, being a major city with zero zoning and urban planing.

We have the problems of LA, NYC and some where in the mix folks are tired of the lock them up, Texan thing. The big deal is due to having to put cops where the spikes in crime and GPS and real time crime and 911 tracking every 6 hours and soon to be hourly real time crime updates and in car GPS systems.

Now you pay Your HOA a fee, for fast police response so you don't become a Joe Horn, which the big disgrace is he is wrong, He shot someone across the street. The other deal is the roads are falling apart partially due to hurricane Katrina destroying the port of New Orleans and making Houston the port capitol of the united states of America, over loaded trucks are destroying our once proud Texas highways.

In other news, the town home across the way is still building up, my old neighborhood was the scene of another murder and home invasion and glad I left that area, id rather put up with the inner loop and big city that suburban outskirt apartment problems in the crime ridden complexes of west chase / memorial / spring branch.

George W Bush as further disgraced this country due to giving our Oil rich Alaska land to the ruskies. The war in Iraq is costing tax payers more, The ICE (formerly INS) is now using commercial airlines to deport illegal criminals in Houston due to the lack of armed forces transports. We have more and more things going over there, and a grave yard of hummers, and other equipment on the rails or Houston.

The KBR rape case, and backwater groups as well as the wackenhuts long listed ties to murder for hire and CIA front is saddening. The cover ups lies and disgrace to united states of America that we give the ruskies oil rich land, the lack of media outrage and focusing on stuck of parris Hilton getting busted again for DUI or Britney puts her kids on ebay, or OJ doing a armed robbery is disgraceful we want real news.

The famous BBQ join long lived to The bush family and joy is closing in wake of more inner city town home development due to Big Oil greed in Houston, Otto's BBQ is soon to be town homes while the suburban ones will be gone the Old BBQ place will be town homes, much like the cirrus house and maybe even the beer can house will be gone soon.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

My life and day and night and neon and chome in space city

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Had a good cafe au leit today. Later during the week if the cold keeps up given I am more stuffed than the turkey I ate, and I am usually vegan. Though the irony of addiction and food and the holidays, we have ice and sleet on the road.

Talked to the folks today, cut my phone off. Did not charge it last night and now it is chagrining more, and I am in the loop of always being connected. If you called I did not get the message.

In other news, baby its cold. Outside, I might go later in the week. I cant seem to find my gloves or ski mask. I need to stay warm. That apartment is like a meat locker. Tired form dancing last night and working, I hustled the bar at the hotel and convention last night. And had a blast.

Called home today, fired up the pickup truck. I'm going to have to do something I do not want to. And will do it. I have to call the atty Monday, go to see MM on Monday, and do other tasks as well and have much to commit to. I have much to do. I have a task at hand. I also have to get the paper work turned in Tuesday and go where I do not want to go.

I have a few strings, and clarity. The bar downstairs thats wet I have drank at the hotel bar, at the double tree. And also hustled the tunnels and know some of the guards around town. I slept good but its cold, that old montrose apartment gets like a fucking meat locker.

Have to take my pick em' up truck to the shop soon to get fixed and maintenance take care of affairs before reentering the workforce and going back to progression, and archive inner zen. Had some struggles even though this gloomy wet weather I enjoy, Its not good when you are hurting inside but I love the cold, rain, ice, snow I love cool damp weather. It rocks. And that is why I drive a 4x4 pickup truck because I like the cold, and wet and adventure.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

what I am greatful for in Houston, Texas and harris county

I am Grateful to have four (4) months sober Before the Holiday season.
I am grateful to have been given the gift of sleep last night, and
well rested and have awoken at 6am and went to the eyes wide shut
meeting
I am grateful to be alive, and not dead or in jail
I am grateful to have what I have, and let go of the pain


I am grateful for my sponsor and others around me
I am grateful for forgiveness
I am grateful for my wonderful therapist--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Insights of the bitch inside, daily thoughts, and postive views

11/15/07

My Life and day today is a bit bitchy. I bitched out my neighbor last night, I don't find it funny people sticking in my business, I wanted to go home and go to bed and rest and relax. I have had a rough week, and very painful.

I brought you your diet coke, and might bring it again later, but I did not want to have dinner, I needed to be alone and grieve, and you opening your door to me would not fix that. Sometimes I just need my space, thats why I creeped up the stairs, I want peace, it pisses me the fuck off when people open their door and I cant get in my own apartment.

I didn't want to hit the bitch switch, last night but I said it in 3 nice ways. I even fucking left the chicken which I usually don't eat because I had my feelings hurt this week. And honestly I DONT share everything on my blog.

Had a wonderful therpey session, working on respecting myself and boundaries, and growing and prospering a friend of mine is going out to sing later this week karaoke, and I might help a friend this weekend fri or Saturday night. I made a few other tg friends that don't look back in fear of past transgressions. I also made a few good friends both male and female. I just need to be alone at the present and work toward my goals. I don't like being a cruel bitch to others. But I play by my rules, I am cold and kind.

I am chratiable, and like indpendance, and giving back, but also have to work on me to get my things in order. A Friend of mine was fired from her job for being trans gender recently, I am really sad, she might sing karaoke to make some money for a contest to pay bills.

I have homework to do and paperwork to do later, and much to finish. I understand I don't feel safe even though I should I need to be less EMO and more secure with myself, I need to open up more. My auto parts came today and the rest did at the post office. Have some projects in mind later this week.

I bought a funky old belt, I like, went on line and also have to return something to the store. I dreamed last night of riding on a motorcycle across I-10 coast to coast, something about riding a motorcycle in a denim skirt, and long hair amuses me dearly. Wind flapping camping and even route sixty six amuses me dearly.

I dreamed more and more of my family I have a lot to be grateful for here, I rested today, Missed cathys call. And have paper work today. I am not depressed enough for services apparently you have to be chronically suicidal or homicidal to get help in the city. Tami told me to tell them I am suicidal, fuck that being locked up is a bad choice, and would driver me further insane, I want help and to get out of my fox-hole but I cant.

I have accepted the reality you are who you are, and I have to accept things I can not change, like things I did and did not do over the course of 2 – 2 ½ years ago I must live in the present and the moment, I have accepted I will probably always live alone. I am leaving Texas, but for the moemnet I am going to make friends and accept my time here, I have much to do and not to do, and I want peace and zen again and to love myself.

I know what I must do even if I have not done it yet, I have to face the pain, I got myself fucked up this way so I will live and deal with my inner bitch.

If you cant bedazzle them with your brilliance than don't bedazzle them with your bullshit.

I miss family and friends and loved ones more and more, but understand I cant change them I must change myself, I might go shopping at borders this weekend for a gift, I have plans to go out to dinner over the weekend with friends.

I might go out with a friend while she sings over the weekend karaoke over the weekend. I have much to do and grow more and more as I learn more about myself which I am learning more and more. I have grown. Last night I lost 15dollars which really pissed me off. I know where I dropped it and I know some crack head or drunk picked it up so I didn't bother going to get it, maybe I bitched my neighbor out also about that, it matters not.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

11/12/07

I told my neighbor last night that I accdiently had her food that feel out the bag when the drunk homeless guy almost called a accident, lately ive been a bit bitchy goddess of the universe type feeling when I am sick I am well brutally honest.

I slept most of today with my nasty sinus infection and committed to melanie I will do the mhmra and my sponsor before thanksgiving as a result of not going today I committed to go tomorrow and forfeit our appointment or see if she can squeeze me in later in the week, kathy has been a good 2^nd sponsor for me tomorrow I pick up my 4 month chip.

My neighbor was honest with me even though it upset me. I was honest and I am becoming more honest, and grateful and kind and less attention whoreish and working on myself. I abused myself. Yesterday some drunk guy was driving down weigh when I went out to get more medicine and well chased after me he didn't like I called him a drunk and a few obscenity and remarks, today some guy was talking on the phone and I was selfish and pissed him off and he opened my trucks door and avoided a fight.

I know I am kind and more conservative and nice, and well want something more. I have leared forgiveness and ray and I see more and more on issues. And I talked to hima bit tonight. I hope I can repair damage I have done. But I have to fix the cobwebs in my brain.

I have committed to leave here at some point my dream is in science and engineering and Information tech. I want to maybe get a A+ certification before I leave here, get working at good grocery store whole foods has good gender incigve policy's. It my plan, eventfully maybe transfer so the bay area go back to school more, or possibly move to DFW or Austin. I have friends in other areas.

I uploaded some more content to my site, also talked to my neighbor and have more well honesty even if maybe all along I was angry at myself and selfish in my own twisted way. I don't sleep much anymore I resent not taking justice, but also Have decided against as much as I wanted to take the law into my own hands regarding victor, john, henry, carl, henry, james, elmadeans mistreatment of me. In the end they got their own shit. Elmadean went to jail, john got fired, and james got busted also.

The others will get it one day, just not from me. I have to learn to live, trust and go back to casual conservative me and I left a lot in that apartment behind due to not wanting to put up with the abuse, my safe place is my truck, thats my zone I don't like to stay at home just because my home and my truck has been well taken from me to speak.

I want a roomies, but no pets I want someone to be at home and cuddle with but not a big fluffy pet. My neighbor and I have become closer and she confided and me and I did in her, I might take her to a meeting now and than. I just need my solitude at the present. I hope I can make a living amends, I have sort of changed habits to move away from areas not wanting to run into people I have wronged even though I know I will sooner or later when my power gives me such.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

my life in space city

Talked to Nancy today, was unable to reach Jennifer last night, also commutated with someone else last night, whom I bitched out and admitted my fault at Hollywood last night, ate at dennys on my old side of town, and browsed the bullshit.

Sent off and did some more applications today, and went grocery shopping my fridge is well stocked with fresh produce this weekend I need to get some more oatmeal and whole grains, I am going back to eating healthy I have lots of fresh onions, garlic, and chili peppers, and other yummy veggies and some fresh fruits as well.

Had another person hit in me again last, night later. Ate at dennys some biscuits and gravy, and cup of coffee while I worked on some personal projects and my website and did some coding.

I discovered more about myself, recently I need a meeting soon, almost 4 months woot! Even my therapist says I am emo. Blah.

I talked to someone about the freezer, cleaned house and tossed some items more recently as well. And took care of business today, and cleaned up somewhat. I have more cleaning to do, and probably this weekend will spend the weeking being domestic at home, and doing laundry and bakeing cookies (the latter is a stereotype joke)

I also remembered someone I told off more recently and who I used to be what I was like then, what became drinking and that kind person I want back. I also want the capacity to be honest, my sponsor and also good friend has told me I helped her find her self and stay sober also.

I recently found more about myself, and work toward my goal that I want, My dad and I had some fizzle last night, and well I duno

I hope brandi watched one of my favorite movies, again I am greatful I am alive.

Tootles lee

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

my life and feelings

I also observed someone today, that is along the lines of myself, people look at my life and wonder what is so bad about it. I know and others do not, I know I must admit defeat but I do not. I have an appointment to tour a few plants out near baytown. I am doing ok and growing, and have an appointment with a legal matter in baytown.

I have an appointment later today, and other things in mind. I also have plans this week, and hope things fall into place, the holidays are up coming bah. Ill be alone, I barely made it through Halloween I wonder how thanksgiving and Christmas will fare. Id rather be alone and sober or die trying. Its not that people don't find me intrusting some do, I just brush them away. I don't want to hurt anyone else.

Tags: feelings, houston, life, texas

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29 October 2007 @ 11:44 am

10/29/07

Today I am hurting, I hurt in spirt. I am like the matrix, I want out but dont want whats real, or not real anymore. Reality hurts. It really does, but I am a fighter. I cant deal with other peoples bullshit, just mine. I must not stick my nose where it is not wanted and continue into enlightenment.

I met someone more recently to whom I suspect is a bad influence, and I have seen around here and there. Blah the agony of a photographic memory, and being miss thing busy body and being honest and loyal.

Tags: enlightment, life, reality, sober, the matrix, zen

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Life daily affirmations, self discovery, zen and the art of soberity in the lone star state and my postive affiramtiod and further self-discovery

10/28/2007

I remember tonight some revelation. I crossed paths Saturday night with the girl I lost my virginity to whom is also transgender it was bad, I felt dirty and disgraced, but she had grace again. She appeared to be sober, good and doing well and had worked on her transition and blended in quite well.

I also at Taft street met a girl who was nice to me, but appeared to be using meth, and doped up and was using. I also crossed paths with a few other people to whom I had wronged. I made my choices and accept defeat, I conversed with someone That I need to be stone butch and stand my ground to achieve my goals, I accept I am in Houston till at least feb 2008 with traffic court, I have been thinking of going back into the work force, and altering my appearance slightly to achieve the goals but not cut my hair, but maybe alter wardrobe slightly.

I also discovered That I crossed paths with 3 other people whom were mtf or ftm in matter or sorts here in space city, one told me to admit defeat like I did with my drinking and go to mhmra. I talked to GM more recently, I feel badly for her and what is going on with her, but I must focus on myself. I have almost 4 months and I was a bitch to my sponsor this weekend and feel poorly.

I also am going to go to the center on Monday, and see Melanie morrison on wed oct 31^th everyday is Halloween. And this week make my amends as well. I am going to face someone but do things right and calmly soon before Christmas I have a goal and in the back of my twised little pea brained in mind. I somewhat enjoyed Rudyard's but bars, clubs are not my cup of tea so to speak.

I linked up with a few girls whom I went to high school, with. One we rode the bus she lives close to jersey village. And another is back home who remembered my name we had homeroom together. Both were very nice to me. And I left a message with the other girl. We had a mutual friend and later one of my arch enemies chad fontnot. She was in rotc, and I always was attracted to.

I've thought and dismissed of my health to work as someone I am not. I was sort of shocked to meet her more recently she seems to be nice, and I liked her cute nose. Though she has to work a bit more on the manners and voice. I remember our time together and it was awkward same as with gm and why I must not allow myself to become to close to people whom don't understand me.

Its bad to brush off, I helped some with the lighting at lamba for the Halloween show, and visited primary purpose. And Friday night went and viewed the stuck up cult in the infamous wal-mart church and the cult leader impersonal, cash cow Joel olstean and barbie doll bitch wife. And the stuck up folks that worship at that location. Just to ego and stuck up the same lakewood church that did not open its doors to Katrina evacs due to new carpet and that segregates based on gender, and the more traditional role and is not much better than the Mormon church or quanilly x with the waste and haste of folks money whom get suckered into such a group.

Not that I am not christen, or believe in jesus, or amen or the father in heaven but the evangelism, there is ungodly and people stuck up, Joel olsten will one day be outed much like other mega churches and jimmy swaggert for the fraud that is in greenway plaza.

In other news, I ate a bunch of junk food today, the desire to consume is bad but I am copeing. At home alone. Talked to Jennifer, and brand, as well as left messages for others.

I also worked on my website, have tasks on Monday, and a tour of the kroger plant on thrusday, therpey on wendsday. And church in the morning, I might go seek out the lakewood cult experance out of irony, but don't feel the spiritual in there just the greed of overprice Jesus halough for dummies, and idiots that by his wife nice clothes, the bmw, the learjet etc and Joel is tailored suits, and the hummer.

I'm not in the mood, I also saw a few other people, and clarity is setting in more, and have allowed my stubborn inner bitch to achieve Zen and seek defeat. I need to find a group to hang with that I like and stick with it though I have yet to find that.

People are wrong about ellciasea and taft street its a community of folks that evolve more and more while not the rainbow crowed still they grow around the folks there. I don't like most glbt activism or groups, even though I am part of it I just want to exist as my inner women and community groups like hacs, tats etc are well mannered as is christen and others, its about existing something you can only do for you, like the zoo and freak show.

I remembered more detailed a wrong I did someone I tailed and committed some property crime against out of revenge when I was drinking and partying and I am going to make amends when the time is right and admit the wrong when I have corrected my charter, physical and mental defects of my life.

I met someone tonight whom revered to the person I lost my virginity to as a he, or it or holy shit what the fuck, after I was going to do them a favor I left my house and place in huge and massive disgust and shame at the lack of awareness of us being women, not shims, trannys, trans-women but fucking women.

I also at taft street crossed paths with a girl whomI met on the street that hit on me and red me similar at a highit in my life before sinking into the slums of the shitholes. In the world. Who spoke about the manner and I remembered more of the pain I covered up.

I am grieving but know what I need to do, I know I need to find myself again sober. I remembered a lot about myself and I drank so hard to cover up, GM helped me tonight to see that I need not be so crucial of others that care and want to help but to face the inner bitch and accept I don't have control over others but have control over myself. Blah. Hogwash religion factors, and the hate and narcism grows once again.

Everything I remember thought I knew about the world, Houston and life was and is and continues to be wrong, and I have for the past 2.5 – 3 years suppressed it with drinking and more. I have to promptly admit defeat, and despair and go and shall seek help, and compassion and seek to further myself, life and grow and prosper more and more. Live and grow more to continue to progress into life and Zen as my trueself.

I remember why I started drinking in the first place, to suppress my feelings, reality and coming out. I have very morbid clarity at how wrong I was and the wrongs I committed to myself, others and the world. I was wrong and I admit defeat, stubbornly but nor the less I do.

I know I can not serve others now just myself, I need to be more graceful and prosperous in myself, and life. I have to continue to grow into Zen and myself. I know what I must do even though I haven't done it. I saw someone this weekend from my old end of town, west-chase, spring branch, town and country center. Someone and a few people I liked, old crushes and growth. I urn for Zen and continuing to prosper into myself.

I remember who I am and why I hurt, because I was wrong, afraid, homophobic, and most of all feared my true self. I admire the person during one of my rare occasions I lowered my standards is clean and sober and doing well and happy. How much I had well not remembered. And how long ago that was, my ingression and confessional.

I also care so much about myself, given I have to be right before I can right others rather than myself. Ill find plans or something to do, but I will remain sober. I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically a strong person, know my boundaries, and smart, and grateful for what I do have, life sobriety, my truck, and a roof over my head and renewed faith in living not existing.

I'm going to face the inner bitch, go where I nust, and get the god damn tax forms on my own this week. And have contact with folks I desire not to have contact with. Even though I already knew that what was missing, and go tour the plant and workplace where I desire to continue to progress and grow.

I today visited the Covenant church today and well it was sort of ok, I like ellicica as well as the Unitarian church and the metropolitan community church but have yet to find myself, or where I fit in or am loved and accepted maybe I don't want to be loved, I have trouble letting go of the hurt and pain inside.

I also saw the blind guy, whom looks like he is cleaning up, saw also the person whom da-ja-vu again. And remembered more about myself I think but don't know much anymore. I don't know where love or the love is anymore.

I also love myself and discover that capricorns. I also love myself and home and enjoy the cool Texas nights and wonderful glorious weather we are experanceing in south east corner and the gulf region of the lone star state. A meeting might be in spiritual order this week. I also discovered something else I made peace with someone I wronged and propmpy changed and are continuing to access my defects and work on my faults even though its not about me. I learned that in church, you have to have balance of power and work on my drama, narcism and bullshot. Something that sponsoring and helping someone out, to whom I still feel very attached to cant deal with her mis management of my life or mine. I must be selfish to reactive persona spirituality and Zen or inner peace as you will.

I've begun reading and singing again, and not sweating the small things and faults in life. It saddens me the shame I have brought to my name and dishonor, but I am grateful to be alive and discovering things I might normally not discover.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

the life of me

10/22/07

Today the cold and rain the weather I like, also brings me suffering, My body hurts badly when it rains like this, the joints and my hand aches, I must go shopping for mittens and fingerless gloves given Mine are lost, they help the suffering and pain less.

I awoke early this morning and took care of affiors but the appointment at 10:30 was bad the weather was bad and I got lost, I made it back near home due to the weather, and the bad weather is nerve racking and It reminds me of my traffic accident.

I wish I had a prius or a small hatchback or honda or something sometimes or a 3-series convertible due to the weather and driving in bad weather is nerve racking and I don't enjoy it as much. I don't even enjoy driving anymore.

I met someone last night whom, we talked a good part of the night on the phone we have a lot in common, and I might consider after I get affairs in order moving to DFW or going back to SFO with her, she and I have a lot in common.

I am fasting today for spiritual reasons to bring me closer to Christ, and I miss my family and wish someone understood me. I wish I wasn't alone but I have to be alone right now, to finish my tasks at hand, and bring order to my life. I don't need any changes and I am working on a painful list of those I wronged with my sponsor, and people tell me this and that blah blah blah. And Its to much bull shit and drama in meetings, I go when I need to but I have a lot to do to make my goals, and I don't know it hurts so bad, I did things wrong.

I have forgiven to a degree those who abused, me given I abused others, and I can let go, with the drama. I forgive them, but want my day of justice but I don't deserve it for the verbal, emotional abuse I caused others locally. I choose to stay alone, I am quiet shy and laid back more so due to the fact I don't want to get my ego and narcissism on.

I made bad choices, in friendships, had someone who accepted and understood me and drove them away in fear. I don't resent that because that was 2 years ago, but I understand how they feel about me and accept that as the consequence of their actions. I still have fear in the weather, flashing lights on two trucks, fire engines, or the sight of a security or police or law enforcement auto.

I have been remembering more pain and so bad things I did, and the worst part is. I'm not any better than the abuse I had at work, on and off the job. I did it to others, and I am guilty. The holidays are coming up and I'm going to spend it alone this year, sober and well just sort of alone. Maybe thats how I need to be, I need to let the pain ozzee in.

I have laundry today, some grocery shopping for later in the week and a therapy appointment and to make a doctors appointment. I am afraid and don't know what to do, but I am going to do it and face my fears and bring the pain on.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)