life and being greatful and loved

Saturday, December 1, 2007

The reality of my life has grown. I had a test a test of anger, and over judgmental and my own self Hippocratic. And weird life, and judgmental actions. I had dreams, confusion of life, myself and I. Clarity and flashbacks are more and more. Reality is a bitch and so am I.

I learn more coping and commutation and mediation and growth today. I learned more and relaxed more in the moment. I also grew more and more. I have a plan of action Monday, I also have to aduiton more for a upcoming reality show, and do some job hunting as well. I have to bring closure to disorder, panic and fog.

I grow tired of folks hassling me and judging me, and trying to run my life. I am an individual and fuck em. If they don't understand or try. I don't like people, and the people who I want to like me don't like me, I try to please the devil. And dance with it.

I push those away who care, love and grow in my selfish, self pity, par, cesspool life. I am a bitch, I like power, control, and ego, and my own narcissism destroys my balance of the cosmos.

On the positive side, I slept good and well and had very pleasant and very naughty dreams. And over ate a pizza last night from papa johns, lucky for me addiction and fasting and the heart burn out of being lonely at home helped somewhat. I had a nightmare of something or obscurity. I am fasting today.

I was smart enough to order a large thin crust, with onions, black olives, and mushrooms. That went to some bullshit charity that I am un-fimmualr with from papa johns in montrose. It also was over an hour late. And was yummy except for the heartburn. I slept like a giddily school girl, on a quiet peaceful, night awoke at 5qam was out the door early this morning.

Was complemented and still sober, and have a very busy week ahead. And much to do. And It will be a bit well rough around the edges with the holidays, the rear brake job and tailgate and mirror work on my pick em' up truck. I slept well sort of. And saw a peaceful film of the bay area from a birds eye view. One day at a time I grow. And many things I want to do with life, but careful .

I think everyone should go to 12-step programs it teachs you how to live life, grow and is a goddess for the unfaithful, self-destructive and bitch and mean & hateful

I had some naughty thoughts of a harmless, scape goat free, revenge but I will not do those naught thoughts, even though someone in a meeting also did those things to others, its cool to know I'm not the only sneaky selfish bitch on the block.

I'm greatness for :

being sober

knowing I am nonjudgmental, homophobic, and self-hateful, and knowing my inner bitch

having what I have, and what I don't want anymore.

Being alive,

My acquaintance who gave me a 2^nd chance on life ]

Forgiveness

the holy ghost

not knowing and learning

being grateful

being quiet and observant and finding zen

Letting go and forgiving myself

Accepting myself\

being more verbally honest, and committed and opening up more about myself

Living not existing

learning to love what I have and love myself

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

What I am greatful for:

Working the “Bar” last night

Being sober

Doing whaT I HAVE TO DO

being honest

not having nightmares or being terroised when sleeping, even though I had a bad one about being abused by former co-workers again*

What I have and what others dont

Not being as selfish and a busybody

having a wonderful sponsor

faith and my angel whom I saw using up 8 of my 9 lives.

Being alive, and amongst good people

*Had a nightmare last night of being sexually assulted again, and beaten and abused in my apartment that I moved into.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

life and progress and plans for the greatful

11/20/07

I know whats wrong with me, I like to be in control and right now I am not. I am a power lover, I like the idea and desire the idea of transitioning, but power, money, love and charity and I am selfish bitchy and sometimes have my fits.

I want power, control a good job again, overtime long hard hours, friends, faith, religion, a higher power, love, family, kids, a partner in crime. I hurt the holidays suck. I will never bitch at her again, nor will I bitch in front of her or others, really she is remarkable person, and I am jellious of her, and selfish power bitch I want to complain, and complain about her and that is rude and selfish, and very unladylike like to speak of.

I have been nasty the past few weeks, tonight I almost was arrested for using my own card at restraint I lost a card later found it and cut up the wrong card, and was detained for card fraud which after being handcuffed and questioned at one of Houston eating establishments was released, and paid my bill in cash after a short stint with a security guard and law enforcement. Which the card, was in my name, as the drivers license, and the truck also as well. I was cleared of any wrong dueing and did not break any laws given, I paid before I walked out while they tried to stall me.

I also remembered a flashback to 2 years ago recently, and more things that have been flashing back over and over, my brain is rebooting and growing more and more the reality is I am becoming myself. We made faith and amends, and peace and unity my next door, neighbor., the truth is we are different in some ways but in the same boat so to speak. I have a plan, fear and uncertainty. And progress is sometimes slow painful and hurting in thr mind, body soul.

My issues are real and I am a wonderful person and I grow more and more into my inner self, and awareness and accepting of my mind, body, heart and soul. I blew away so much in the past, and must live in the present, and not in a moment far, far away on the death star.

Regardless, I need to quit being miss prissy bitch and move the fuck on and don't get into issues and things that don't fucking concern me, and mind my own fucking business, at the moment. I need to let, go, and grow forward and move head. And try to live long and prosper into myself, soul and the mind body and spirit.

I have much to learn and am a baby, and much to do and some step work and to grow. And while I did not sleep much, kept my commitments to therapy today, keep my commitments to my sponsor today, and grow and live and learn, you live and learn for the past, present and future and history is a area of interest.

I am pretty fucking smart, beyond what I am I need to get my thumb out of my ass and continue to grow in mind, body, and spirit, I need to grow to live and learn. I need to free my mind further and expand in more and more into my inner soul and peace, I need to let go more and more into the inner true strange little lost girl inside, me. I need to find zen again, but to archive zen sober.

The truth is I work hard to grow and prosper as of late and have understood myself, life and love up above the truth of growth interpersonal and not. I know who, what I am and where I am and where I need to be in the moment to speak. More motivational.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

what I am greatful for in Houston, Texas and harris county

I am Grateful to have four (4) months sober Before the Holiday season.
I am grateful to have been given the gift of sleep last night, and
well rested and have awoken at 6am and went to the eyes wide shut
meeting
I am grateful to be alive, and not dead or in jail
I am grateful to have what I have, and let go of the pain


I am grateful for my sponsor and others around me
I am grateful for forgiveness
I am grateful for my wonderful therapist--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)