Today visted the monks corner cafe and wireless amuseing down the street from the last concert cafe. http://www.monkscorner.net/ a buddist hippie spot.

Intresting obscure and odd and well weird. I want to be pretty, being ugly and agron and hurting and fear of being lost into the gutter slime and poverty and left for trash in the big city scares me dearly. I fear being alone lost and left in the cesspoll of montrose, east end or the hoods and slums of houston. soberity is above all , number to is transiton, three is going back to work and school.

I want to be a pretty sexy girl, this agro stuff, I hate myself I am sad ofen due to this. I will post a review to this new estbalshment here soon enough to grow live and prosper in houston, texas--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

reading the big book

11/26/07

Self assessment daily and what I am greatful for learning about my self, toward my birthday

Friday July 13^th 2007 Soberity date.

I discovered I am a con-artist, pity and put so much effort into things My way. I learn more and more daily as I write, read and discover I also learned the big book something a housewife that drinks at home., to doctor bobs nightmare, he lived to drink, the man who mastered fear, the never ending cycle. All and every chapter has application in the insanity of the blue book/.

I find disgust in those like spears, lohan who disgust the book who saved our lives, but thats a resentment, my dishonesty, lies, and paranoia, and UN-manageability. Hurt more and more, I must heal and rediscover more about myself, live, learn and grow.

I Am a fuckup, a nobody who wants control, power, money, and to rule the world. I am dominate, selfish, careless, and spend so much energy growing and lieing, lost faith, burning out bitching, complaining but doing nothing about nothing and bitching about something.

I romance myself as a dark angel, a vigilante and stick my nose and worry about and want to dominate the rule the world, its my way or the high way. Thats how I feel and one of my favorite lines from the matrix from switch one of my favorite charters that dies in the first movie, and the best.

I don't care, pretend to care, and still do and when I cant have my way I fill with resentment, control and drain people, I use people , I put up my wall with people to maintain domination and control because reality sucks, life sucks, and even though I work hard, I want life on my terms and I want it now dammit, I fucking hate letting others in to my twisted world, and chos, panic and disorder, I liked it I learned to like the pain, even though I didn't start the pain, I did some my share of it. I liked the adrenaline, drama, and like the drama queen, romance, of adventure, booze, cesspool, and creating chaos, panic and disorder.

Fuck working for it, mind-fucking and being a con artist, and spending my brains and haste on waste, booze, wine, vokkia, and the occasional mixed drink I learned to dance, enjoy the narcissism and loosing my inhabit ons and distorting reality. I hurt to open up but slowly do. I fear reality so worst of all while overcoming the trans gender part, reality sucks, the unrealistic, panic and disorder is more well brutal and my way maintaining dominance and the vampire nature of my narcissism and emotional vampire games,and mind games and well you assume the idea, use em than abuse them and on the next victim to bite and drag into my view of the world, or the world in my view, rather than being a little more submissive, open and honest and experiencing reality

The reality is I hurt badly, no one gives a fuck about my emotional vampire, narcissism dominatrix view and spiritually draining, my mouth and not fucking minding my own business is 60 of my problems and10 percent is my submissiveness zncx not opening my mouth, 20 percent is not being in the movement, 20 percent is complaining and not acting, and viewing myself as goddess of the universe and no faith and being a cold hearted bitch.

What I am grateful for is discovering this and learning change and slowly learning how to deal with the pain and mind fucking. And deal with change and why they call it a birthday and I want to stop spinning around like a record baby, I spin me rice round, rice round... Like a record Baby into the birthday! : sobriety date Friday July 13,th 2007

I discovered and grew up outside and acted out my inner child, now I have to start over close to aproaching 30, I had my day or thought I did, in my own twisted way, and dont want it, I want inner peace, and my true self. I am afraid of the walls keep tumbleing down. I fear life, reality, letting go today in the moment. I need meetings more and more. I need more as in the midnight hour I compose this message about myself, inner child and myself.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

What I am greatful for:

Working the “Bar” last night

Being sober

Doing whaT I HAVE TO DO

being honest

not having nightmares or being terroised when sleeping, even though I had a bad one about being abused by former co-workers again*

What I have and what others dont

Not being as selfish and a busybody

having a wonderful sponsor

faith and my angel whom I saw using up 8 of my 9 lives.

Being alive, and amongst good people

*Had a nightmare last night of being sexually assulted again, and beaten and abused in my apartment that I moved into.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

The Lone Ranger on Dallas downtown Houston

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

being greatful today

11/22/07

what I am greatful for:

Being 4 months sober before “drinking season”

having a wonderful sponsor who is tough as nails

letting go of resenements

the fog lifting

Reality setting in

Being sober day

Being alive

having people who care

being able to admit and seek help and start being honest

working the coffee bar at the roundup closinbg sat and sun nights and the lamba center

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

life

11/21/07

My life and feelings of depression and utter pain have grown more and more, the pain of being someone I am not living a lie, the bullshit, lies and drinking my way to zen. The nasty horrible things, I hurt to turn over to a god, there is no god. Why would god put me through this, why would I suffer. Not for pity, why would god have me born wrong, I accept it but don't accept the crap I did, I hurt every day for sins I committed, I chose to try and find peace again. I don't know why, I did these things. Today at the post office some of the documents I ordered showed up. Flashbacks of dreams and other things bad choices and nasty things I did to others are coming back more and more. I am remembering more and more and wrongs I committed to others and myself and bad things I did.

Its hard to forgive myself, some days I want to crawl in a hole to hie and die, I suffer so badly for nasty things I did, I want to run so far away, the blackouts, bad choices, and sins against other glbt folks and transgenders are utter poison and agony, the utter clarity is horrid. But I chose to get better or go camping and alas never return. Jumping ship from Houston to root elsewhere is not unrealistic or impossible, but I don't feel a need to broadcast it when I do,I know when the time will show up.

The holidays suck to be alone, single, and at odd and at a crossroads. The life I lived, bad choices I made I am angry at myself, and the pain. But I move on. I don't know where I will go but I am grateful to be sober, even sitting here at the coffee shop at Catlaina next to the dark horse tarven another place is painful and utter agony but I make it.

I know I am alive because someone maybe my mom, god or some goddess kept me alive, I should be shot many times dead, blacked out or overdosed in my apartment, I have clarity and want life to feel the lost self inside and I struggle to rediscover my old self, accept it again and live it. Sometimes I feel the agony is I lost is she died, and I die sober but that is not a option and unacceptable.

I know I will accept myself and love myself and move on away from the lone star state, (and the beer) also when the time is right, I will know and take action into doing and be.

Today the letter showed up, I went to the zoo, and I ate breakfast with my sponsor quavos rancheros was fucking awesome today, and ironically enough I saw someone else with a car just like hers younger and with the two stickers on the back as well.

I had someone offer me a drink today and I promptly and proudly refused, I also had someone sexually make pass at me in a crude and nasty way and told them where to go, (hell) but in a niced matter.

Blah Live in the moment, and not the dream or bullshit.I am grateful for being alive, having a wonderful sponsor and being in the moment, also the letter came today for the paperwork I need for the gold card and mostly filled out thats my task on Friday and get to shock my wonderful therapist (unless she checks my blog) this weekend with the awesome news,

I am afraid of rejection but hope things work out as I deep down know they will, I want help and am going to any heights to get it. I slept good last night asleept before 9PM and awoke at 5am back in bed and struggled after not sleeping for 2 days and have to set up and get the paperwork for the roundup this week

Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

life and progress and plans for the greatful

11/20/07

I know whats wrong with me, I like to be in control and right now I am not. I am a power lover, I like the idea and desire the idea of transitioning, but power, money, love and charity and I am selfish bitchy and sometimes have my fits.

I want power, control a good job again, overtime long hard hours, friends, faith, religion, a higher power, love, family, kids, a partner in crime. I hurt the holidays suck. I will never bitch at her again, nor will I bitch in front of her or others, really she is remarkable person, and I am jellious of her, and selfish power bitch I want to complain, and complain about her and that is rude and selfish, and very unladylike like to speak of.

I have been nasty the past few weeks, tonight I almost was arrested for using my own card at restraint I lost a card later found it and cut up the wrong card, and was detained for card fraud which after being handcuffed and questioned at one of Houston eating establishments was released, and paid my bill in cash after a short stint with a security guard and law enforcement. Which the card, was in my name, as the drivers license, and the truck also as well. I was cleared of any wrong dueing and did not break any laws given, I paid before I walked out while they tried to stall me.

I also remembered a flashback to 2 years ago recently, and more things that have been flashing back over and over, my brain is rebooting and growing more and more the reality is I am becoming myself. We made faith and amends, and peace and unity my next door, neighbor., the truth is we are different in some ways but in the same boat so to speak. I have a plan, fear and uncertainty. And progress is sometimes slow painful and hurting in thr mind, body soul.

My issues are real and I am a wonderful person and I grow more and more into my inner self, and awareness and accepting of my mind, body, heart and soul. I blew away so much in the past, and must live in the present, and not in a moment far, far away on the death star.

Regardless, I need to quit being miss prissy bitch and move the fuck on and don't get into issues and things that don't fucking concern me, and mind my own fucking business, at the moment. I need to let, go, and grow forward and move head. And try to live long and prosper into myself, soul and the mind body and spirit.

I have much to learn and am a baby, and much to do and some step work and to grow. And while I did not sleep much, kept my commitments to therapy today, keep my commitments to my sponsor today, and grow and live and learn, you live and learn for the past, present and future and history is a area of interest.

I am pretty fucking smart, beyond what I am I need to get my thumb out of my ass and continue to grow in mind, body, and spirit, I need to grow to live and learn. I need to free my mind further and expand in more and more into my inner soul and peace, I need to let go more and more into the inner true strange little lost girl inside, me. I need to find zen again, but to archive zen sober.

The truth is I work hard to grow and prosper as of late and have understood myself, life and love up above the truth of growth interpersonal and not. I know who, what I am and where I am and where I need to be in the moment to speak. More motivational.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

being greatful and faithful

11/17/07

The discovery of myself, and awareness of life zen and stupidity and old vs new, for example climbing parking lot curbs with my 4x4 at 3am is stupid and dangerous and careless, and disregardful for myself and others.

Old vs new and cause and effect. Maybe I am to much into myself, to stuck up into me, me ,me and less observant of my own selfish actions, words and reactions and poor transgressions and vampire addictive personality of myself and others and the reality is the world is not all about me, but more about inner peace, and faith and zen and the art of self-acceptance and awareness.

I compose this inside a establishment of choice and self-awareness, of what I once was, who I was before, than and who I have grown into after my birthday and inner peace.

I have a goal in mind, and tasks I desire to finish within myself and inner peace. I however have been disrespected badly here and need to more peace

I also discovered more about life, and zen and a spiritual experance with-myself and who, and what I am as a individual and self-growth. I know I don't miss what I was like pre moving to Texas, pre drunk (in some regards) drunk and not sober, and who I was like than and now. I know I miss parts of my old self, but also Learned a lot and over came my homo and gender phobias, and did not do it sober, overcame a lot of religious issues, blew off folks who tried to help, cared and loved but I blew away.

I know I am a goof ball, a fuckup and asshole and cold hearted bitch and can be kind and giving and do the right thing and do the good thing, by myself, others and loving life and being alive inside my soul. Sort of. I feel folks treat me right to a degree of sorts, but also some do not, some falter and sucker some fail poorly.

I had a great night tonight, and good dinner, at the restraint with Cathy F and a good meeting and ate to much spicy garlic and onions and have heartburn and had a good nights rest and took care of my issues. And feel better I have paper work tomorrow, and copy's to make later have a 10 year challenge to grow into.

I have plans goals and even some sacrifice to archive those goals later, I know what I want what I had. I talked to Michelle, and understand that I pissed off people who did care, and understand what I must do with living amends, I am lucky I never did the wild sex, the illegal drugs or got any diseases from poor choices thats what I am grateful for.

I am grateful that I never caught any diseases, did illegal drugs or did the sex in large numbers. I am grateful not to have any felony's or duis, I am grateful to be alive.

I am grateful to be about and alive and what I do have sobriety, my truck, a few nice things, a bright future, and the power to say now, and a roof over my head, wonderful friends and a wonderful sponsor.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Feelings of life and love

11/17/07

The truth is I wish I could go somewhere tonight, but I know its not in my best interest. I feel sad, sick and scared and lonely, maybe I need sometime alone. I want people to know me and trust me, but I hurt, I hurt and hurt and hurt I want acceptance, and I Want to love and accept myself. The holidays suck, I hurt badly and want I once had.

I hurt so bad and want to love and accept myself. But I cant. I hate being alone, the holidays suck, but I have much to be grateful for. I have a plan to goal to finish to be sober and I want to be loved, I have given up, but also am Afraid of rejection and people putting me down, or being backstabber. Or being hurt again.

I hurt so much, I want myself again but am afraid to find myself here again, I hate living alone, yet fear being alone. I have to meet with my tax, and trust and disability atty. I rememberer I had so much, and did so much to fuck up my life.

I have chosen to leave, I do want my life again, I want to work, I want to love, and I want a roommate, I want a nice Baja pop up camper again, I want to repay my debits, I want a partner in crime, I want a big husky, or corgi or lab, I want a traveling non human companion if I don't have any one.

I love big harry animals, long term dreams of a big 4x4 extend cab long bed pickup truck a half-ton and a big Baja pop up camper a Baja toy hauler something thats off road. I dream of the burning man fest, and a dog and fem bot partner in crime. I wish I had a good sober, d&d and adventure and work ahead.

But alas, school, and starting over. I hurt and have in my heart to get the fuck out of Texas, I need to be someplace where I can start over be safe and never ever, be hurt again while transitioning at work or housing or at least be afraid of being discriminated against via the law, and moving to one of the most pricey metro areas the San Fransisco Bay area my birthplace is a good choice, I must start over. And will go to any lights to scarface, but alas I must remain focused on present matters.

I have forgiven wrongs others have done me, and I have forgiven myself and started to let go and move, on and stand my ground in pride, I start to communicate and educated a bit on issues, I called a suicide hot line tonight, just to talk the pollen and my bad algerie are hurting. I discussed some over the counter cures with my more experienced sponsor.

I dreamed of something odd and obscure last night my body is in massive pain, my back and neck hurts badly and I am suffering but I am sober, have a roof over my head, have a few nice and positive things, and have something with 4 wheels that runs well.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

my life and day and disgust with the estblashments

11/14/07

Awoke early this morning after not much sleep after leavening Hollywood late last night, went over to the center to be rejected, and to be well put down poorly. And I canceled my appointment later, and I later squeezed in and told melaine the bad news, made the 12:15 meeting at 12:45 after making the 6:30 am meeting and picking up my 4 month chip, and I made it to the mhmra center at 7:45 only to be rejected.

Its fucking disgusting this country land of the free, land of equity and equal rights and home of the brave, and we have grown so lazy, dis-hearted and lost all compassion You can get help if you keep popping out kids, and cost tax payers more and more money. But joe or jill smhoe the avrgae joe cant get a damn bit of help and compassion.

Our health care system, social service system is disgusting even in Texas it is more acquainted the building is located in a school much reminded me of woodland west elm entry back home a old school built in the 60s or 70s and many extension cords and old doors and cinder block walls. Back when schools toward the end of the cold war were also built as fallout shelters.

If I go on a rampage and kill a bunch of people ( I'm not going to just a manner of expression) people will say why didn't she get help? The signs are there, its easer to do crazy anddo that fall into the trash on the street. And in a related matter I came in there, a guy on parole who just got out of prison dint have any papers was told to go there down the road from the parole office only to be butt fucked and told to have bills 60 days like a fucking computer the damn numbers you punch when you call your outsourced tech support company you cant get though the red tape.

Texas is acquainted and the jail bond failed for the new inmate processioning center in Harris county due to blacks are fed up, lib rials are fed up with the acquainted system, it needs change for minor groups and GLBT folks and trans genders. Its set up to fuck you, well fuck the lone star state. And Texas pride and other hogwash.

I would rather live in fucking a shit-hole hotel in the bay area and struggle to be treated with dignity, and equity I have matters to archive here and goals, which I plan to carry out, but the lone star state one day will look like a lone star in a galaxy far, far, away.

You wonder why we have high profile people that snap in Harris county and The 7 County metro area , Andria yates, Clara Harris, and the list to go on for eons. I made bad choices, and make living amends and respect the boundaries given I broke them and poor choices, I want help went to get help. Now I must try to cut through red tape to get the GOLD card, maybe Ill be in the fucking golden years before that happens, after wastering a day doing nothing and waiting and waiting. Only to be fucked out of my time.

*I have to take my truck to the shop to get some minor repairs I havent waxed or washed it in a about a week or two and I have this black soot on it, the emissions here make us sick, we are the cancer captiol of the lone star state, smog and other things, the roads are falling apart from the infucx of katrina evacs.

The traffic is getting worse, and we stand long and proud the laughing stock of Austin. Vote kinky dammit we need a honest Texan for a change, kinky is conservative pro glbt equity, anti state sponsored religion, and librial enough to care, and the common man and Texan not to be in the deep pockets of the establishments of oil cos, and more for new roads, rather than the toll road deal. Kinky is my Canada and a true ind pedant not the flip flopping grandma.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

My motto and quote for today and life

11/13/07

I discovered today, That I as an individual am well selfish and have a effect of being a kind person, but also am good at reading folks and using people and being a habitual lier, I need to change my lifestyle and individual and my brutal honesty and spunky spontaneousness self hurts others. And I can use that to do the greater good in the world.

I am a amazing person and I am very grateful for what I have and don't resent what I have or haven't done or what happened in my 2years off and on binging and binge drinking .and hurting others. I have to accept the present and change what I can and accept what I did and didn't do, and just fucking let go already.

I have something I want and by the grace of god I am going to get it though faith, honesty, and working to get it. And I am going to archive my goals. I accept the fact my family and other will never understand me. I also want to compose and help others even though deep I am hurting I have to stop griveing and bitching about what could have, would have or should have or had not happened and let go.

People are telling me left and right I am better but have a long way to go, its possible I am, fuck I give myself a pat on the back I am better and let go, and if others don't see that well fuck em' thats my motto.

Fuck em'

I am getting better and if others resent and still fear me , fuck em'

Shit fucking happens already fuck em'

If you cant bedazzle them with your brilliance than don't bedazzle them with your bullshit. Fuck em'

Thats my motto in LIFE which I have again, to speak. In a manner.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)