Kick Start my Faith and own personal jesus, and grattuide of life of 27 years young

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Slept good last night had a very hot shower this morning went to bed around 5pm, woke up at 3am, very recharged and refreshed today. Went walking this morning, burned some fat, going to take care of something difficult in the next few days.
Glad to still be sober, Ill post more about my experience it further involves the San Francisco Police commission, perhaps Ill even get to meet infamous Teresa sparks( again I met her a few years ago before she was president of the commission at pride), whom I admire and have followed her carrier for a long time.

Yet part of me is missing, I find it difficult for gratitude. I find it difficult to readjust to a normal civilian life, but its easier. I don’t want the drama of my past.

Just thinking of some of the famous individuals, I have met and shook hands with I’ve lived a respectable life so far the past 3-4 years of my life have been fast paced, with its ups and downs, drama, fear, horror, good choices and bad mistakes and poor judgment.

Interesting observations & current projects
Sometimes when Out and about, people out me as a transsexual woman, or a shim. Or whatever. Ill be posting my Bay Area shit list of trans-phobia individuals, businesses and other groups, or public service wall of shame. That’s sure to be some pride and un-censorship the database I am working on for my personal project. And its bound to piss a few people off, which doesn’t bother me, fuck yeah bring it on.

In the other factor I

1.) Bill white Mayor of Houston and former Entergy secretary under Bill Clinton
2.) Mayor Ray Nagin Mayor Of New Orleans
3.) Phyllis Frye famous transsexual atty. And lobbyist.
4.) Monica Lewinsky who gave bill Clinton one of the most famous blow jobs, I met her at a book signing
5.) Ray Hill famous for his bust of the dog food scandal, and the supreme court ruling (Houston v. Hill) which abolished “interfering with police procedure” which was often used to harass media, protesters, etc.
6.) Sgt Julia Oliver HPD who works in 911 emergency operations center in Houston emergency management Famous Transsexual Police Sgt
7.) Teresa Sparks President of the San Francisco Police commission famous transsexual police officer that does internal affairs
8.) President Bush (both of them) during storm recovery work
9.) Elder former president bush during Katrina recovery
10.) Former President Clinton doing during Katrina recovery
11.) Senator Clinton before she ran for president I met her during recovery operations
12.) Chelas Clinton in San Francisco once doing service work, I shook her hand
13.) Massena Davis director of the San Francisco Transgender Law center
14.) Lawrence as in (Lawrence-v-Texas) whom outlawed anti-some laws and gay sex or danced in Harris County Texas by the Untied States Supreme Court when George W Bush was running for office.
15.) Gavin Newsom Mayor of San Francisco 2 years ago I shook his hand in city hall when visiting San Francisco as a tourist
16.) Tom Delay former crook and mixed up in the Enron scandal in the court House in Houston
17.) Ken Lay former coo of Enron in the courthouse in Houston
18.) Andria Yates once in the Jail when I worked as a vendor & contractor inside
19.) Clarian Harris Once when In the Harris County Jail when I worked as a contractor and vendor inside
20.) Various seniors, and elected officials council members and others in the Texas political scene when I used to go to democratic and republican fundraisers when I drank, I can’t think of them all, in better times, and also heavy drinking and when I used to make border runs foolishly as a coyote, and a firearms smuggler and even sometimes worked for elected officials in dirty political deeds ( I sometimes solved problems, or ruined a few people) views which I retain anonminity about my shady contacts. I got out that line of work and retired.


Yet despite not being anyone noteworthy, but likening money, power, influence and drama, and meeting people and being kind with my southern hospitality. I am still unhappy, I feel part of me in not there or I don’t have what I want out of life, I make it, and I will survive but I feel I am in need of better, and want more and won’t give up hope, pride, power and determination.

I find I don’t want to drama, adrenaline rush even though nothing is more sexually erotic than high speed, drama, running and having fear I prefer not to have it, I choose not to.



The list for today
1.) San Francisco Police Commission
2.) Mail check and send documents to Houston & New Orleans & San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley
3.) Make doctor’s Appointment
4.) Write Letter and apply for jobs
5.) Rest, eat well lots of water, meditation and AA meeting




Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I have a plan in life
2.) Grateful that I know what I want out of life
3.) Grateful to be twenty-seven years young
4.) Grateful to be sober
5.) Grateful to have been able to be out and started my path young


--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

-

04/06/08

The reality of my life and what I understand, I hurt and hurt and hurt and if I dont feel better soon, I made a choice and plan of action on how to deal with my resenemtns in a manner which wont harm anyone. I am hurting because I hurt myself in houston, and wore out my welcome the memories are too painful to live there, and in my reality of what I need to do you me, I know more about myself, life and fear, soberity and death.

I have resenemtns toward myself as listed in a few prior posts a few days ago I know more about my future, I hope things get better but I have a plan “D” if it doesnt if A,B,C dont work should I stay or go, or spin around like a record.

I have prayed pondered on this issue, and meditated deaply in my heart mind and soul, and know the answer to life and enlightment for my soul and what life ensures, and the path of enlightment and zen and what I need to do for me, not anyone else. Even though It might be a loss.

I spin round toward the golden gate below, and fire down below.

From California to New Orleans, to Harvey, to Brooklyn, and Mepmphes, and Houston and Now san francisco.

She fires up her pick up truck the last time, boards a plain in faith, and enlightment for the soul

Takes a leap of faith sober and dies in the waters down below

The church of jesus christ of latter day saints is true to a degree, but they dont accept me.

I jump off the bridge in faith drop down below into life and die in faith

Maybe to be re-united in heaven or not or hell, who knows what only time and faith will tell

I pull the trigger for the pain, and resenemts I caused others pull the tigger and jump down in pain

Death is only footsteps away, now I shoot myself in pain, and I dont have to hurt anymore, dieing in pride, I send a letter of pride and ammends, and love and honesty in the death of rain, one year sober allomost she self-termantes and sends off in joy of the afterlife and other side

just a poem I wrote, I am doing well and alive, and have things to do, before later today.

I have prayed pondered on this issue, and meditated deaply in my heart mind and soul, and know the answer to life and enlightment for my soul and what life ensures, and the path of enlightment and zen and what I need to do for me, not anyone else. Even though It might be a loss.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Yesterday was semi-productive, I slept well, went to bed around 8pm awoke at 3 am as usual. I also met with Ariel and wrote code and updated my blog, website, and played Counterstrike yesterday, stopped by the CWP event and met with AL yesterday, at the coffee shop, I also know more of what and who I am, and know more of what I am and where I want to go in life.

I had the self-assessment and spiritual experience of understanding NM would not be a good roommate and AL mingt not be as well, but I also understood that I need someone sort of between the two individuals, theres a vacancy at nice complex, I also know more about life, and the power of a Higher power, forgiveness, resentmet and honesty and moving on.

I also dream more of my life, and what I had, and everything I belived and my value system is crap, and bullshit I feel failed and potrayed as an Indivdual, I feel hurt and potrayed and I talked about it, I feel embrassed and shamed and I shared it with those thatl, I trust, love and that love me.

I have laundry today to do I did not do yeterday, I also have a meeting on the adgenda as well as some fincial matters and mailing documents as well, I miss my mother dearly day after day more, and more

I also have to pick up my meds at the drug store, and mail a letter and documents and pick up mail and a package, and ret ready for church on sunday as well. I saw something intresting this moring someone I know from my past, in a viction but in the rooms, I also saw someone whom I might have resented much as I did

My fear of being abused recently a few weeks ago when reaching out for help, was apparently unfounded as well, and I am greatful to be sober and on my program today as well.

I also know more of who I am and my own personal past, present and future, and reality as I love myself, and know more about Myself, I spent allmost my entire 27 years of my life not knowing who I was lieing, and in so much denial and pain,a and shame. I sturrgeled with my faith, I converted to the LDS church for faith of who I am and the infimous religious cure-all. Which inverstion therpey does not work as folks know and is well documented.

I also know more of who I am and where I want to go in life, I know I broke free, but I hurt, I hurt bad for my sins againt others, I hurt bad for being hurt in houston, and hurting others who cared and tried to help. I have trouble leeting go of resentment, but I pushed things beyond repair. I am unwelcome and not any better than those who hurt me, I have to move on, and hope fate, a higher power one day can reunite me, or allow ammends to be made, but Ive accepted people are afraid of me, and well dont want to be around me.

The reality is I know more about who and what I am as an individual and myself and my own personal jesus, I know what I am, where I am and who I am, I need to go get my trcuk because I dont want it to become like DLGs 1976 BMW 2002 , I want to keep it in good, shape, its a rare trim (FX4 with the tremor package) and it is in good shape, the first new auto I purshed, and it was my safe place, and I have my coming out memeory in there, a lot of drinking storays, a soberity memeory, and travel trips and vacations and many good and bad memeorys and also memeorys or my life and things few and far inbetween, it was my safe place sometimes and was good to me, I plan to keep it to a classic, ford is discountinuneing the rangers after 2008 and it means a lot.

I had some french frys and cofffee this morning while composeing this letter and document, I also washed my hair, svaed my legs and did my makeup after awkaing at 3am, I also slept like a rock, Not a chevy truck but allmost like one. My dreams of life are becoming a reality, It means a lot to me. The reality of what Imy chapter to my gnosticism, I also know more about my life

Furthermore, I have much to achive I am young but becoming older, wiser to my insecuritys, stupidty and indegressions, and Know what I want to become, I know who I am, I dont care about others, which brings me to NTM she is ok, a good friend but she bitches about folks assumeing about us together, or when folks say somethingt nasty she reacts and causes a big scene, and profolks them further into rage and makes and fits sterotypes, her story is she is standing up for our rights, but actrully she is causieng a big scsne and doing more harm than well, and whonestly she makes more folks reads us, and draws more attention to us and dramma, even given the fact we are the same age, transgender, same size, body type etc. the diffrentrce is, shes stright im lesbain or bisuexal, asexual.

I respect her oritnetaion and values and she does mine, but she bitches and has to much dramma, and negativeity and poor choices and complains and doesnt push her self as hard, I know what I want fame, fortuine, power, and money and wealth and education and control, my life is unmanageable and I admit such and she doesnt get it, she cant understand the facor of my self, chapter to my gnosticism or enlightment, so I progress and walk away.

Anyway I have a good day, I am loved, I am moving on and working my program, and I make progress not prefection one day at a time

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Life soberity, and progress

02/07/08

Today was nor Hit nor miss, the reality of my own insanity and chapter to my gnostic, I made some progress, I made some progress with the postal issue, mailing some documents and tasks for the week and weekend I also discovered more about life myself and my own program and self discovery.

Watched a documentary today on history of the aids virus and outcome. I also discovered some folks, myself and family members and more flashbacks. And understand what its like to remember and in resentment.

Ive been having flashbacks to myself, childhood and also hurting off and on my life

02/08/08

Some bitch is bothering me I have a stalker in SFO. Darn it not the fuck again, but I delt with it and let someone know, I think she is harmless just some pot head, who is obsessed with me, and that. Today on the way to the doctors appointment which I will not disclose the location and area due to my stalker doesn't know all of my hangouts and places.

Its a crazy X that we used to date (for a half a day than we broke up) who is a pot head and drinks and uses drugs. And is verbally abusive to me, and had kicked me and threatened me with harm, I'm going to discuss it with someone, and already did with another who is also trans gender but pretty abusive and arrgoient much as I used to be in Houston.

In other news, I had some guy hit on me again today on MUNI and say he dates Trans genders and wants to buy me a drink but doesn't know I'm clean and sober, sorry geezer, if I had a winning mega millions jackpot for every time this happened Id be rich.

I also saw on the news this morning they have a groper and MUNI assaults are up on women, I had been groped once or twice on a muni rail and bart, people are disgusting and rude, and have seen it before.

Shoes are on the agenda this weekend, Ive been able to cut down on my sweaters, and jackets and layer up a bit, due to the warmer weather except in the early morning. I saw another SUV with Utah Tags yesterday, and today saw a crossover awd from Montana, and also saw a f-350 with Texas truck on it.

Have an appointment with my threpsit who is also transgender and transitioned today, its a 1^st appointment with her and I think It might work out much as Melanie Morrison at MCC.

I also talked to a few other folks and next week have a appointment with one of the area collages Transgender Leiason Officer, ive thought subsatnce abuse conucling isnt for me. I want something rolling in the cash and I am still young enough to go to collage a Computer science at a 2 year collage and than a 4 year collage seems appealing or computer information systems and maybe an A+ cert, I want something at home quit and predictable where I can telecommute and write code at my space, maybe even work late at night.

Google and some other tech comp nays are expanding into the bay area for diversity in hireling, apple etc also, Had a retail interview recently, and also applied for a few other places ( I have a stalker that reads my log until some things change and I don't have to be around this person as much, and at which time I will seek legal action with the police. Which I spoke to a friend who's nice the GLBT folks shes a nice officer that helped me out when someone was bothering me, before and shes friends with a friend of mine.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

being humble friend of bill wilson long before ZI quit drinking, and lieing to myself

02/03/08

The Insanity of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

A Look at myself, and the inner bitch of Lee and the Insanity of Being a Friend of Bill Wilson, before I started drinking, A personal self-discovery.

I was a friend of Bill Wilson long before I started drinking, I was insane. I did insane things, I lied, cheated and hurt others my way though my life upon my relocation to Houston I went nuts, Overloaded with pressure from religion, abuse, and my own trans-phobia.

I don't like the fact others where rightfully afraid of me, I had to leave raise the bottom and hope for a better life, otherwise I might have gone back out, back to county jail or state/ fed rial prison. I am deeply sorry for what I did to the local Trans gender and GLBT community as a whole.

But people change and move, on I needed a frest start. I am afraid but more humble from choosing life, and not existing, I raised the bottom to collect life, and build a future. I had chance and chances again. And I blew it, people cared, people still cared, but I could not go on. I go on here afraid day to day living in uncertain times, my bones,hand, and back hurting from bad choices, abuse unreported or afraid to be reported or when I reported it no record of service and being hit or having my ass kicked by law enforcement by choice.

I am tired of being sick and tired, I am tired of it. I see folks here messed up on the drink, drug or instance mentally. I see folks banished from trans gender groups, meetings for reasons or causes prior. I don't want it anymore.

I would rather be “L” (HALT) [Hungry, angry, tried,lonely] Lonely being quality vs quantity and not lowering my standards, I had a lot of the bill Wilson insanity, and I got drunk the first time in my life out of resentment for not listing to folks who cared in the Houston TG meetings and further down hill from there, I survived un-reported suicide attempts, abuse, risks, auto accidents, and abusive sexual relationships.

I did this to me, and pay the price. My bones chill in San Francisco,CA due to the cold winter my bad back and hand and other poor choices. I now live day to day being humble as a servant to myself, and my inner bitch hoping to repair the damage to my life, what I did, and not resentment. I have a fresh start and I am using it wisely.

I miss my friends, items, truck, and all who gave up. I wish I had listened, and I was wrong, but Now I am doing the right thing being humble, and starting over from not much else but having more than I should in gratitude, I had to do what was right for me and walkway.

Life sucks, and what I did was insanely wrong, and someone else did what I used it. I don't have control over the folks who abuse the system here, and make it hard for folks who need help, those who get SSDI or SSI and stay in shelters so they can use drugs, and party, those who stay in shelters and Have jobs etc.

Its wrong, but I admitted defeat for my soul and inner child. And hope one day when I have my life together I can visit, and be welcomed to those I harmed and scared away from me with my Lies, dishonesty and self-destructive actions.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Life and the choice to live in Zen and progress

02/01/08

Today called sonny a bit,and working on myself, called the contact at city collage, my chest and congestion is coming back and that worry me I don't want to get as sick as I was prior and have to go back to the San Francisco County Hospital emergency room.

I talked to DLG today, e-mailed a few folks, and also reinstalled my computer and restored some items from backups, and wrote some code today.

I'm trying to take it easy, my feet blew out, and my chest and sinus problems are coming back that that worry me, talked to my sponsor more recently and relaxed after burn out a bit last night, slept good, and recharged.

Its burr cold outside, and My chest and side is hurting and that worry me. But I am alive, and ok for the moment, and wish others could hear my message into progress, I want others to have what I have. I'm getting older and sick and tired of living a lie, being anti-productive, bitching, complain, being self-destructive, abusive relationships, destroying friendships and having no future and dead ends/

I came here for a fresh start, and its happening slowly but its happening, I'm scared sort of but hanging in there, I admit to being afraid and unsure and fear of the unknown.

Last night just like in the movies that depict California the SFPD or LAPD the cops on patrol 2 in a marked SFPD unit shined their light on me on patrol to look at my face or ask me if everything is ok etc. You don't get hassled by the cops, and have to really do something bad to get busted or arrested.

I think when I fly back I'm going to get my weigh masters certificate at a truck stop outside LA or LAX maybe in the port area due to lower cost for the purpose of registering it in the state of California.

I passed one of the places where one of my favorite moves “The Game” is filmed and refer acned to the cops flashing the light at a lady walking alone at night or with someone, its filmed and set in San Francisco, California. I think I drunk too much coffee yesterday. Maybe thats why I was bitchy and in tears last night and crying myself to sleep and in emotional pain, on my hormones this is a testing time of the month for me anyway.

I also am going to try to make it up the hill to take care of business later and other affairs. Laundry is on the agenda this weekend as is other parts. I have appointments and follow ups next week, and other tasks to handle and to stay out of trouble and temptation and go to meetings, and church on Sunday.

I found a new coffee shop or two I like or admire, with good network and broadband speeds and output like my old fav Taft Street coffee in Houston, Texas though not set in a lib rial church, or non demoniacal bookstore or with a non profit recording studio upstairs. Still groovy. And queer enough for the likening and a hangout of a few other trans women, and also trans men.

San Francisco rocks!

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Life IN the bay of happyness

01/27/08

Monday is open trans thrive is closed until wed this week, shelter is ok, have to renew on Tuesday have an appointment at the GA and Food stamp office, wed the trans gender employment empowerment committee has a meeting at the glbt center.

Found a nice coffee shop sort of close by, also did some reading this weekend at the public library which is from trans men or other folks dangerous by the security forces for trans gender folks, and confusion. The cops shot some nut job today homeless who pulled a knife, they have been nice to me, given I am clean, sober, and staying out of trouble and trying to better myself the officers have been very kind to me, and helpful and followed up.

Its rough here but the affirmation and progress slow and steady is worth it, the disibilliy advocacy group and life is moving along Monday or Tuesday I should have food stamps and can go to safe way to get bread and some fruit for my vegan diet, the folks from the UU church were nice to me, went out to this middle eastern veggy restraint and ate ok, and for 4 bucks for my share was ok. Met some cool lesbian girls who were nice, and some other lib rial minded straight folks, who were nice, have some folks to watch the L word with later.

I admit I am lonely, went to the marina dock today and the Alano club, have a commitment tomorrow to meet my sponsor for queers crackpots and fallen women at the Alano club in the bay area, slept good, and still working hard to move on.

Ive grown to appreciate soup, sweaters, mittens, scarves, hats, beanies, and stockings and comfortable shoes for going up hills. The 6^th approach and can tie into services at a program and Tuesday can follow up with Taylor at tarc, found a hotel and place I like once my divisibility rolls in and I can go to city collage for a training program and applied for employment and empowerment, applied at the gap, and American apperial. For back room and a stock girl.

In other news, did a bunch of walking today, and my doctor is wonderful, filled my scripts yesterday, and admitted powerless over my problems, it saddens me to see so many folks who gave up hope here, and the confusion and panic that exists amongst those strung out on pot, or folks walking down the street smoking a joint, and cops don't care. The drug culture here is well very strong.

I wish others could have what I have, I wish those I encounter and I did meet another lady at a shelter that wants what I have, and is in a simulr situation and is sober, but never used or drank, but doesn't use. The vast majority need help and don't want it, I want a better future self-supporting, others don't in the wasteland, thats why the cops I think are nice to me, I am nice to them, calm and collected trying to make it in a world. And honest about my past, and misdemeanors, and not causing trouble. They treat me with respect.

01/28/08

Talked to MLS a bit last night, have a TG support meeting later, and other things to do, Might go hang out with my friend later in the building I plan to move into soon as well. Ate some cookies this morning and had coffee, watched others around me in insanity, hung out a bit in the Castro last night with some coffee, have my TG support meeting, renewed my housing, and have an appointment Tuesday at the food stamp office. Have a hotel in mind thats a bit nicer than the run of the mill crackpots, has a bathroom and shower in room, as well as a community room with a computer and direct tv which they get the LOGO channel, and showtime and hbo. So the L word, queer as folk etc are rocking there plus my friend lives there two thats also clean and sober and TG and awesome as well.

The drop in center is open later this week on wed, a shower is nice, have to do to laundry, and socks, my friend might have a pair of flats for me, and I have other things to work out and push for my appointments life, and future.

I also have to meet with my sponsor today, and go to queers crackpots and fallen woemn, and enjoyed the marina dock, and alano club, and had fun at the MCC and keep comeing back

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)