Thursday, November 13, 2008
Slept well last night, doing laundry today, also going to work on brining LEEMCG.COM up to the new server and make a custom 404 error page. Im reinstalling some of the server modules, and extensions. I also have to bring up a few other things
I talked to Clair Fairly, and saw Jenna, at the TLGB center; I also spoke to someone and have a follow up leads to do. I worked on some issues with my program, I need to get out more and around, and will start working on that. I found something possibly a 3rd love interest in San Francisco, I don’t want to get my heart broken again, I’ll take things slower this time, without the U-Haul Metaphorically speaking.
Furthermore, I continue to grow as an individual, my heart is in Information Tech, but Non Profits are where I want to be or a civil servant. I admire those who serve the public trust, and do good deeds where a lot of need is to be done in San Francisco.
I’ve managed to dodge some of the common pitfalls some individuals make here off and on, But continue to grow, after laundry today I have a drop or two to make as well. I also have other things I need to do at POS, and issues and logistics to iron out.
Moreover, I need to be less outgoing and annoying, and also work on my social issues, and trauma, and pain and agony in my heart. Somewhat I am reluctant to let go of manners, it’s what keeps me motive and such a hard worker and push myself so hard.
I think I am going to start volunteering someplace, and I took an orientation someplace, I also have some files to back up as well (Think DVD-R & DVD+RW)
Furthermore, I have been thinking of life, myself and where I want to be in a few years, I am going to cut some areas out but also keep some, I’ve also thought of some finical matters, and my fathers hatred of me, but also love, even if obscure.
I have séance moved on, I have been having much delight in my progress with my electrosist whom has been working wonders, I have about half way where I need to be and it helps a lot,
I also am tired of facing persuction, based on other TG folks actions, demeanor and hate and think most transgender folks in this city have other issues to iron out, and showing your 5 o’clock shadow is fucking disgusting.
For example threes this one girl whom we dislike each other dearly, she pisses like a fucking man in a women’s bathroom, in public city government owned building and I have witnessed her do this many times before , private that’s just fucking nasty and disgusting. One time I was shaken down due to something she did in a public building and proudly displayed my F Drivers License to a law enforcement officer that was responding to complaints of “men dressed as women harassing in the bathroom”
Whom this officer, took me for a “witness lineup” which I was cleared of doing “obscene sexual acts ”and committing “criminal trespass” and “various sex crimes” the fact that SFPD hates TG folks or some of them do, I don’t blame them for stereotypes, given the trash they have to put up with.
If I was a cop, Id problem just be as pissed off with queers, trans-women, homeless and all the shit SFPD has to put up with in bay view, the tenderloin, hunters point, the mission and just law enforcement bullshit amongst them selves, and as a cop day to day. Its why I like cops in general, seriously I would love to date a really butch cop.
But I’m always nice, and avoid law enforcement interactions as much as humanly possible, and they for the most part respect me, and I’ve been told by one sometimes “bad things happen to nice good people”
Its interesting and fascinates me to see the generation gap in Law Enforcement and how the treat and deal with Transgender women, we are lucky to have someone as the president of the police commission such as commissioner sparks which by the way is a Trans-woman. Whom I bump into on occasion, on the street, in the Castro, pacific heights, and even inside a police station when I was filing a report or going to with someone to file a report as a friend of bill Wilson
Another Example of disgusting transgender behavior, is voice pitch, demeanor, and mannerisms, it’s no wonder this disgusting woman or so called woman, who had a drug and drinking problem and violates he body by having sex with men.
I don’t understand how (pre-op) Transgender women could disgustingly sleep with yuck Boys, I have my orientation but Like trans-men, at least we have something in common, and trans-women (post-ops) and women. Nevertheless, I do not use women’s places of scanty nor have I ever sold my body, nor done illegal drugs.
The other point is when I drink or go out there which today is sixteen months as of 7-13-2007 when desperate for a solution I walked into the doors of Lambda Center in Houston, Texas. Furthermore, It’s a mile stone one day at a time, this January I will have 18 months sober, and also be celebrating my twenty eighth natal birthday.
Furthermore, I have not had any nightmares but have a topic to discuss with my therapist today regarding my Post-Traumatic Stress. I have an issue to discuss with her about something I noticed about myself and a way to relax and some part of my trauma that’s affecting my day to day life.
I have a love interest possibly, that’s puzzling me and how that relates to my recovery more about this later.
Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to be alive
2.) Grateful to have folks with something in common, and my our lady of safe way fellowship
3.) Grateful to be myself
4.) Grateful to be in San Francisco
5.) Grateful to be emotionally secure
6.) Grateful to have a sponsor
7.) Grateful to have food, clothing, shelter and money in the bank
8.) Grateful to have my basic needs met
9.) Grateful to be in control of my life
10.) Grateful to be secure in myself
The list
1.) Meeting
2.) Do homework
3.) Make mental note to acquire file cabinet for space
4.) Make note to FedEx items to DLG plus X-Mass Gifts
5.) Laundry
6.) Perform research for clients
7.) Continue to grow and let people in
8.) Pray to my own personal goddess
9.) Write letter to San Francisco Chronicle
10.) Work on e-mail, website, leemcg.com, banking, payments, improving my life
It also soon marks a 6 months séance becoming legally female, in some retrospects, and other mannerisms. I still have a long way to go. In addition, going legit is hard; I see why the power, money, fortune, fame, and my sickness is what got me here.
By golly! I would not have it any other way for I am Leigh McInnis Gaetjens
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Showing posts with label transexual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transexual. Show all posts
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Kick Start my Faith and own personal jesus, and grattuide of life of 27 years young
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Slept good last night had a very hot shower this morning went to bed around 5pm, woke up at 3am, very recharged and refreshed today. Went walking this morning, burned some fat, going to take care of something difficult in the next few days.
Glad to still be sober, Ill post more about my experience it further involves the San Francisco Police commission, perhaps Ill even get to meet infamous Teresa sparks( again I met her a few years ago before she was president of the commission at pride), whom I admire and have followed her carrier for a long time.
Yet part of me is missing, I find it difficult for gratitude. I find it difficult to readjust to a normal civilian life, but its easier. I don’t want the drama of my past.
Just thinking of some of the famous individuals, I have met and shook hands with I’ve lived a respectable life so far the past 3-4 years of my life have been fast paced, with its ups and downs, drama, fear, horror, good choices and bad mistakes and poor judgment.
Interesting observations & current projects
Sometimes when Out and about, people out me as a transsexual woman, or a shim. Or whatever. Ill be posting my Bay Area shit list of trans-phobia individuals, businesses and other groups, or public service wall of shame. That’s sure to be some pride and un-censorship the database I am working on for my personal project. And its bound to piss a few people off, which doesn’t bother me, fuck yeah bring it on.
In the other factor I
1.) Bill white Mayor of Houston and former Entergy secretary under Bill Clinton
2.) Mayor Ray Nagin Mayor Of New Orleans
3.) Phyllis Frye famous transsexual atty. And lobbyist.
4.) Monica Lewinsky who gave bill Clinton one of the most famous blow jobs, I met her at a book signing
5.) Ray Hill famous for his bust of the dog food scandal, and the supreme court ruling (Houston v. Hill) which abolished “interfering with police procedure” which was often used to harass media, protesters, etc.
6.) Sgt Julia Oliver HPD who works in 911 emergency operations center in Houston emergency management Famous Transsexual Police Sgt
7.) Teresa Sparks President of the San Francisco Police commission famous transsexual police officer that does internal affairs
8.) President Bush (both of them) during storm recovery work
9.) Elder former president bush during Katrina recovery
10.) Former President Clinton doing during Katrina recovery
11.) Senator Clinton before she ran for president I met her during recovery operations
12.) Chelas Clinton in San Francisco once doing service work, I shook her hand
13.) Massena Davis director of the San Francisco Transgender Law center
14.) Lawrence as in (Lawrence-v-Texas) whom outlawed anti-some laws and gay sex or danced in Harris County Texas by the Untied States Supreme Court when George W Bush was running for office.
15.) Gavin Newsom Mayor of San Francisco 2 years ago I shook his hand in city hall when visiting San Francisco as a tourist
16.) Tom Delay former crook and mixed up in the Enron scandal in the court House in Houston
17.) Ken Lay former coo of Enron in the courthouse in Houston
18.) Andria Yates once in the Jail when I worked as a vendor & contractor inside
19.) Clarian Harris Once when In the Harris County Jail when I worked as a contractor and vendor inside
20.) Various seniors, and elected officials council members and others in the Texas political scene when I used to go to democratic and republican fundraisers when I drank, I can’t think of them all, in better times, and also heavy drinking and when I used to make border runs foolishly as a coyote, and a firearms smuggler and even sometimes worked for elected officials in dirty political deeds ( I sometimes solved problems, or ruined a few people) views which I retain anonminity about my shady contacts. I got out that line of work and retired.
Yet despite not being anyone noteworthy, but likening money, power, influence and drama, and meeting people and being kind with my southern hospitality. I am still unhappy, I feel part of me in not there or I don’t have what I want out of life, I make it, and I will survive but I feel I am in need of better, and want more and won’t give up hope, pride, power and determination.
I find I don’t want to drama, adrenaline rush even though nothing is more sexually erotic than high speed, drama, running and having fear I prefer not to have it, I choose not to.
The list for today
1.) San Francisco Police Commission
2.) Mail check and send documents to Houston & New Orleans & San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley
3.) Make doctor’s Appointment
4.) Write Letter and apply for jobs
5.) Rest, eat well lots of water, meditation and AA meeting
Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I have a plan in life
2.) Grateful that I know what I want out of life
3.) Grateful to be twenty-seven years young
4.) Grateful to be sober
5.) Grateful to have been able to be out and started my path young
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Slept good last night had a very hot shower this morning went to bed around 5pm, woke up at 3am, very recharged and refreshed today. Went walking this morning, burned some fat, going to take care of something difficult in the next few days.
Glad to still be sober, Ill post more about my experience it further involves the San Francisco Police commission, perhaps Ill even get to meet infamous Teresa sparks( again I met her a few years ago before she was president of the commission at pride), whom I admire and have followed her carrier for a long time.
Yet part of me is missing, I find it difficult for gratitude. I find it difficult to readjust to a normal civilian life, but its easier. I don’t want the drama of my past.
Just thinking of some of the famous individuals, I have met and shook hands with I’ve lived a respectable life so far the past 3-4 years of my life have been fast paced, with its ups and downs, drama, fear, horror, good choices and bad mistakes and poor judgment.
Interesting observations & current projects
Sometimes when Out and about, people out me as a transsexual woman, or a shim. Or whatever. Ill be posting my Bay Area shit list of trans-phobia individuals, businesses and other groups, or public service wall of shame. That’s sure to be some pride and un-censorship the database I am working on for my personal project. And its bound to piss a few people off, which doesn’t bother me, fuck yeah bring it on.
In the other factor I
1.) Bill white Mayor of Houston and former Entergy secretary under Bill Clinton
2.) Mayor Ray Nagin Mayor Of New Orleans
3.) Phyllis Frye famous transsexual atty. And lobbyist.
4.) Monica Lewinsky who gave bill Clinton one of the most famous blow jobs, I met her at a book signing
5.) Ray Hill famous for his bust of the dog food scandal, and the supreme court ruling (Houston v. Hill) which abolished “interfering with police procedure” which was often used to harass media, protesters, etc.
6.) Sgt Julia Oliver HPD who works in 911 emergency operations center in Houston emergency management Famous Transsexual Police Sgt
7.) Teresa Sparks President of the San Francisco Police commission famous transsexual police officer that does internal affairs
8.) President Bush (both of them) during storm recovery work
9.) Elder former president bush during Katrina recovery
10.) Former President Clinton doing during Katrina recovery
11.) Senator Clinton before she ran for president I met her during recovery operations
12.) Chelas Clinton in San Francisco once doing service work, I shook her hand
13.) Massena Davis director of the San Francisco Transgender Law center
14.) Lawrence as in (Lawrence-v-Texas) whom outlawed anti-some laws and gay sex or danced in Harris County Texas by the Untied States Supreme Court when George W Bush was running for office.
15.) Gavin Newsom Mayor of San Francisco 2 years ago I shook his hand in city hall when visiting San Francisco as a tourist
16.) Tom Delay former crook and mixed up in the Enron scandal in the court House in Houston
17.) Ken Lay former coo of Enron in the courthouse in Houston
18.) Andria Yates once in the Jail when I worked as a vendor & contractor inside
19.) Clarian Harris Once when In the Harris County Jail when I worked as a contractor and vendor inside
20.) Various seniors, and elected officials council members and others in the Texas political scene when I used to go to democratic and republican fundraisers when I drank, I can’t think of them all, in better times, and also heavy drinking and when I used to make border runs foolishly as a coyote, and a firearms smuggler and even sometimes worked for elected officials in dirty political deeds ( I sometimes solved problems, or ruined a few people) views which I retain anonminity about my shady contacts. I got out that line of work and retired.
Yet despite not being anyone noteworthy, but likening money, power, influence and drama, and meeting people and being kind with my southern hospitality. I am still unhappy, I feel part of me in not there or I don’t have what I want out of life, I make it, and I will survive but I feel I am in need of better, and want more and won’t give up hope, pride, power and determination.
I find I don’t want to drama, adrenaline rush even though nothing is more sexually erotic than high speed, drama, running and having fear I prefer not to have it, I choose not to.
The list for today
1.) San Francisco Police Commission
2.) Mail check and send documents to Houston & New Orleans & San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley
3.) Make doctor’s Appointment
4.) Write Letter and apply for jobs
5.) Rest, eat well lots of water, meditation and AA meeting
Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I have a plan in life
2.) Grateful that I know what I want out of life
3.) Grateful to be twenty-seven years young
4.) Grateful to be sober
5.) Grateful to have been able to be out and started my path young
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Life on the run in San Francisco and beyond on the go
1.) Call auto Insurance Broker for obtaining California Auto Insurance--
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
It turns out the reason I have been so sick and irritable, little did I know I had a major sinus infection and ear infection. I am taking penicillin right now and cold medicine for a massive ear infection in my left ear that started to spread to my right ear.
Had a semi productive day, talked to my sponsor and have to shop for a new one I have been sponsor less and I have good coping skills. Enjoying listening to rockabilly today. Elivs, Jerry Lee Louis.
The other factor of late, I dreamed last night of hiking up the San Bruno Mountain, or hiking in the winter in Lake Tahoe. Alternatively, snowboarding. The idea of fitness. And extreme sports Today is my 2nd day veg again. And also I start coffee again this morning much to LS disappointment.
Wish List
1.) To be able to make amends with my father one day.
2.) Finish Paying off debits and making amends
3.) Make amends to Christen Williams, Lilly Ruddy, Dayna Gilbert, Carolyn Bosnia, Chris Tux, Others I hurt in the Houston GLBT community and the New Orleans GLBT Community and the San Francisco GLBT Community
4.)
Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to be able to work on my life and inner self and to be living in San Francisco
2.) Grateful to understand that I’m angry at god and I need to work on that and my spirituality post Latter Day Saint (un-realistic of coming back)
3.) Grateful for the cold weather and to be living in San Francisco
4.) Grateful for being nice, kind, and understanding.
5.) Grateful to have finished my DL-328 , SSN changes, name change, gender change
6.) Grateful to have started my transition young
7.) Grateful to have friends and family in Houston, The Bay Area and New Orleans area
8.) Grateful to be out the closet
The List
1.) Mail Letters and Documents
2.) Take written test at DMV, Obtain California Drivers License
3.) Study for written test at dmv
4.) Mail complaint to ethics board
5.) Print AAA Texas documents and mail for insurance
6.) Mail copies of registration and Texas Drivers License and court order for name and gender change for Interstate Transport from Harvey, LA to San Francisco, CA
7.) Call California Auto Insurance Broker to shop around for insurance, obtain AAA membership given séance transitioning last time I had a hard time changing a tire on my big butch truck and also given I have a few conferences I want to go to in LA and might even conceder moving to LA (at some point) given it’s similar to Houston but California.
8.)
I also am grateful I didn’t see christen while she was here, perhaps I think too much, It’s a can of worms I don’t want to open in a metaphor manner of speaking.
I also thought of a quote for today “try not not hard, but the answer is to do first things first, and keep it simple and don’t think too much smarty panties”
I have some work to do on my web server in the upcoming week and weekends.
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
It turns out the reason I have been so sick and irritable, little did I know I had a major sinus infection and ear infection. I am taking penicillin right now and cold medicine for a massive ear infection in my left ear that started to spread to my right ear.
Had a semi productive day, talked to my sponsor and have to shop for a new one I have been sponsor less and I have good coping skills. Enjoying listening to rockabilly today. Elivs, Jerry Lee Louis.
The other factor of late, I dreamed last night of hiking up the San Bruno Mountain, or hiking in the winter in Lake Tahoe. Alternatively, snowboarding. The idea of fitness. And extreme sports Today is my 2nd day veg again. And also I start coffee again this morning much to LS disappointment.
Wish List
1.) To be able to make amends with my father one day.
2.) Finish Paying off debits and making amends
3.) Make amends to Christen Williams, Lilly Ruddy, Dayna Gilbert, Carolyn Bosnia, Chris Tux, Others I hurt in the Houston GLBT community and the New Orleans GLBT Community and the San Francisco GLBT Community
4.)
Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to be able to work on my life and inner self and to be living in San Francisco
2.) Grateful to understand that I’m angry at god and I need to work on that and my spirituality post Latter Day Saint (un-realistic of coming back)
3.) Grateful for the cold weather and to be living in San Francisco
4.) Grateful for being nice, kind, and understanding.
5.) Grateful to have finished my DL-328 , SSN changes, name change, gender change
6.) Grateful to have started my transition young
7.) Grateful to have friends and family in Houston, The Bay Area and New Orleans area
8.) Grateful to be out the closet
The List
1.) Mail Letters and Documents
2.) Take written test at DMV, Obtain California Drivers License
3.) Study for written test at dmv
4.) Mail complaint to ethics board
5.) Print AAA Texas documents and mail for insurance
6.) Mail copies of registration and Texas Drivers License and court order for name and gender change for Interstate Transport from Harvey, LA to San Francisco, CA
7.) Call California Auto Insurance Broker to shop around for insurance, obtain AAA membership given séance transitioning last time I had a hard time changing a tire on my big butch truck and also given I have a few conferences I want to go to in LA and might even conceder moving to LA (at some point) given it’s similar to Houston but California.
8.)
I also am grateful I didn’t see christen while she was here, perhaps I think too much, It’s a can of worms I don’t want to open in a metaphor manner of speaking.
I also thought of a quote for today “try not not hard, but the answer is to do first things first, and keep it simple and don’t think too much smarty panties”
I have some work to do on my web server in the upcoming week and weekends.
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Friday, November 16, 2007
Feelings of life and love
The truth is I wish I could go somewhere tonight, but I know its not in my best interest. I feel sad, sick and scared and lonely, maybe I need sometime alone. I want people to know me and trust me, but I hurt, I hurt and hurt and hurt I want acceptance, and I Want to love and accept myself. The holidays suck, I hurt badly and want I once had.
I hurt so bad and want to love and accept myself. But I cant. I hate being alone, the holidays suck, but I have much to be grateful for. I have a plan to goal to finish to be sober and I want to be loved, I have given up, but also am Afraid of rejection and people putting me down, or being backstabber. Or being hurt again.
I hurt so much, I want myself again but am afraid to find myself here again, I hate living alone, yet fear being alone. I have to meet with my tax, and trust and disability atty. I rememberer I had so much, and did so much to fuck up my life.
I have chosen to leave, I do want my life again, I want to work, I want to love, and I want a roommate, I want a nice Baja pop up camper again, I want to repay my debits, I want a partner in crime, I want a big husky, or corgi or lab, I want a traveling non human companion if I don't have any one.
I love big harry animals, long term dreams of a big 4x4 extend cab long bed pickup truck a half-ton and a big Baja pop up camper a Baja toy hauler something thats off road. I dream of the burning man fest, and a dog and fem bot partner in crime. I wish I had a good sober, d&d and adventure and work ahead.
But alas, school, and starting over. I hurt and have in my heart to get the fuck out of Texas, I need to be someplace where I can start over be safe and never ever, be hurt again while transitioning at work or housing or at least be afraid of being discriminated against via the law, and moving to one of the most pricey metro areas the San Fransisco Bay area my birthplace is a good choice, I must start over. And will go to any lights to scarface, but alas I must remain focused on present matters.
I have forgiven wrongs others have done me, and I have forgiven myself and started to let go and move, on and stand my ground in pride, I start to communicate and educated a bit on issues, I called a suicide hot line tonight, just to talk the pollen and my bad algerie are hurting. I discussed some over the counter cures with my more experienced sponsor.
I dreamed of something odd and obscure last night my body is in massive pain, my back and neck hurts badly and I am suffering but I am sober, have a roof over my head, have a few nice and positive things, and have something with 4 wheels that runs well.
-Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Insights of the bitch inside, daily thoughts, and postive views
My Life and day today is a bit bitchy. I bitched out my neighbor last night, I don't find it funny people sticking in my business, I wanted to go home and go to bed and rest and relax. I have had a rough week, and very painful.
I brought you your diet coke, and might bring it again later, but I did not want to have dinner, I needed to be alone and grieve, and you opening your door to me would not fix that. Sometimes I just need my space, thats why I creeped up the stairs, I want peace, it pisses me the fuck off when people open their door and I cant get in my own apartment.
I didn't want to hit the bitch switch, last night but I said it in 3 nice ways. I even fucking left the chicken which I usually don't eat because I had my feelings hurt this week. And honestly I DONT share everything on my blog.
Had a wonderful therpey session, working on respecting myself and boundaries, and growing and prospering a friend of mine is going out to sing later this week karaoke, and I might help a friend this weekend fri or Saturday night. I made a few other tg friends that don't look back in fear of past transgressions. I also made a few good friends both male and female. I just need to be alone at the present and work toward my goals. I don't like being a cruel bitch to others. But I play by my rules, I am cold and kind.
I am chratiable, and like indpendance, and giving back, but also have to work on me to get my things in order. A Friend of mine was fired from her job for being trans gender recently, I am really sad, she might sing karaoke to make some money for a contest to pay bills.
I have homework to do and paperwork to do later, and much to finish. I understand I don't feel safe even though I should I need to be less EMO and more secure with myself, I need to open up more. My auto parts came today and the rest did at the post office. Have some projects in mind later this week.
I bought a funky old belt, I like, went on line and also have to return something to the store. I dreamed last night of riding on a motorcycle across I-10 coast to coast, something about riding a motorcycle in a denim skirt, and long hair amuses me dearly. Wind flapping camping and even route sixty six amuses me dearly.
I dreamed more and more of my family I have a lot to be grateful for here, I rested today, Missed cathys call. And have paper work today. I am not depressed enough for services apparently you have to be chronically suicidal or homicidal to get help in the city. Tami told me to tell them I am suicidal, fuck that being locked up is a bad choice, and would driver me further insane, I want help and to get out of my fox-hole but I cant.
I have accepted the reality you are who you are, and I have to accept things I can not change, like things I did and did not do over the course of 2 – 2 ½ years ago I must live in the present and the moment, I have accepted I will probably always live alone. I am leaving Texas, but for the moemnet I am going to make friends and accept my time here, I have much to do and not to do, and I want peace and zen again and to love myself.
I know what I must do even if I have not done it yet, I have to face the pain, I got myself fucked up this way so I will live and deal with my inner bitch.
If you cant bedazzle them with your brilliance than don't bedazzle them with your bullshit.
I miss family and friends and loved ones more and more, but understand I cant change them I must change myself, I might go shopping at borders this weekend for a gift, I have plans to go out to dinner over the weekend with friends.
I might go out with a friend while she sings over the weekend karaoke over the weekend. I have much to do and grow more and more as I learn more about myself which I am learning more and more. I have grown. Last night I lost 15dollars which really pissed me off. I know where I dropped it and I know some crack head or drunk picked it up so I didn't bother going to get it, maybe I bitched my neighbor out also about that, it matters not.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Thursday, November 1, 2007
why EDNA IS WRONG - keep it simple stupid
Why EDNA is wrong for a Trans-womans prospective.
A view on equity for all – Keep it simple stupid
By Lee McInnis Gaetjens
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
(713) 578-0016
www. Leemcg . Com
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
Edna Is wrong for the reasons of over buracraay, big government and big business. We have to many laws, red tape in the legal, social service system. For example ever try and cut though federal government red tape, or state or local. Or the dmv or DPS or county tax collectors office. Do You deal with the federal government on a daily basis or the legal system than you know why.
The fact is the legal system is just as bad quite simply it should be illegal to discriminated for any reason, keep it simple stupid. We have to many amblanace chaser legal teams, those who defraud the federal government and those who lie cheat and steal and minuilplate the legal, social and our system and way of life in the united states of america.
Now a lot of proggress, growth and the world is vastly different in modern conviances, gadgents, and social and economic and conviance from when our fine country was founded. And even from the beginning of time and humanity, the birth of life, chirst, or evlouation. But much has not progressed in the way of religion, views, and well modern fiath or enlightment and the way and path of religion.
People and humanity needs a spirtual view, which has lacked in the wonders of progess, from the stone age, to the bronse age, to the medevil times, to the industrial age, to the moren age and into the 21 centery.
We fear what we dont understand, when our belifs and views are wrong, and many people still feel gays, lesbains, bisexuals, transgenders. More accept gays and lesbians, transgender, transexual, intersexed, and gender queer, and agrongeus and male to females, female to males, drag queens, transvestites, crossdressers, drag kings, etc are the biggest and most deverse minoirpo in the glbt community and culutre as a whole, and often misudnerstood.
EDNA is wrong because, we need equity for all not just some, labels or sterotypes, we just need flat out equil rights as in a *Mtf) womens or (ftm) mans place, people fear that do to the sex trade, pron industy , people think we try to fool folks are or nuts or insace, or possesed of the devil.
Religion and faith has not progressed, religion is often used to deny, cover up or for polical, social or economial gain, edna is wrong because of lawyears, religious lobbistys, and groups such as the kkk, neo-nazio and white suprepasist or confedarted or domestic terrositm groups.
WE have to much law on the books, all ready, we need to lobby to repeal laws, the world is vastly different for example in the state of texas you are supposed to be hung for carrying wire cutters in your back pocket (cattle russlers)
We need to simplfiy law, stop frigilous lobbism and legasaltion and go to more simplistic, sim,ply it is illegal to discrimante to anyone for any reason in employment, education, housing, service, civic association, or personal or private debits.
Amblance chaseing dollar signs at car accidents, going after hollywoodf because the matrix made you kill, or going after fast food estblashments because of hot coffee being spilled in your lap. Going after a dry cleaers bfor 25 Million dollars because they ruined your 500 suit.
If you cant bedazzle them with your brillance, than bedazzle them with your bull-shit creative lies, deception and greed and revenge because you went to law school, fuck them all. The truth is we need less law, and big business and more open government not less, in simple terms keep it simple stupid.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
an open letter no fediral law enfrocement, I know you are watching, as I am watching you !
I also more recently Had a member of law enforcement surf my website, some narc agency, My neighbor has been missing for 3 allmsot 4 days. She went out recently and has not returned for quite a while. I also found some odd things and a tire around. Blah.
I hope she is ok, where ever she is.
Anyway I will enclose a narc link, given who ever in law enforcement that surfed my site
http://www.houstonhidta.org/html/houstonhidtapublic.htm
http://www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov/HIDTA/
I also more recently was shaken down by a plain clothes officer with a federal credentials and I have not done anything wrong, and helicopters have been overhead my apartment more recently. It wonders if she got busted, or if she is hurt I never even though we have our diferances, I worry about if she picked up a bad guy and something happened to her.
IN other news I met someone new in dfw, and downloaded the pdf, I am going to face some fear and wrong soon. And obtain paper work and cut through red tape, I send off some job applications and planned some meetings this week. But have been spirituality and emotionally drainined, Ive been to two meetings this week, and have been going to one or so a day, and being quiet. \
I thought I might go to the poetry open mic night, and also was being tailed this week by a unmarked possible law enforcement auto, and a marked hpd patrol car. But the server logs, in the Houston Hidta, and a domain that does not exist makes me wonder if I am being set up, railroaded or something from my past organized crime is coming to bite me in the ass. I have nothing to hide, and covered and cleaned up all loose ends. And Have gone legitimate. As difficult as that sounds.
I made my buck and money in my Jackie brown hay days in Houston. Most folks I know are dead, or killed off and I kept my hands clean never moving to high in the ranks, and never moving to low and earned my respect.
I ran into a member of one of my old crew, messed up and hard times. I'm legit and fully retired more recently.
I also talked to the love of my life, and planed and might go on vacation for the holiday season
I also spotted your tail last night and the night before, Your officers are very obvious and their cover was very blown train them better. But I have nothing to hide.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Monday, October 22, 2007
the life of me
Today the cold and rain the weather I like, also brings me suffering, My body hurts badly when it rains like this, the joints and my hand aches, I must go shopping for mittens and fingerless gloves given Mine are lost, they help the suffering and pain less.
I awoke early this morning and took care of affiors but the appointment at 10:30 was bad the weather was bad and I got lost, I made it back near home due to the weather, and the bad weather is nerve racking and It reminds me of my traffic accident.
I wish I had a prius or a small hatchback or honda or something sometimes or a 3-series convertible due to the weather and driving in bad weather is nerve racking and I don't enjoy it as much. I don't even enjoy driving anymore.
I met someone last night whom, we talked a good part of the night on the phone we have a lot in common, and I might consider after I get affairs in order moving to DFW or going back to SFO with her, she and I have a lot in common.
I am fasting today for spiritual reasons to bring me closer to Christ, and I miss my family and wish someone understood me. I wish I wasn't alone but I have to be alone right now, to finish my tasks at hand, and bring order to my life. I don't need any changes and I am working on a painful list of those I wronged with my sponsor, and people tell me this and that blah blah blah. And Its to much bull shit and drama in meetings, I go when I need to but I have a lot to do to make my goals, and I don't know it hurts so bad, I did things wrong.
I have forgiven to a degree those who abused, me given I abused others, and I can let go, with the drama. I forgive them, but want my day of justice but I don't deserve it for the verbal, emotional abuse I caused others locally. I choose to stay alone, I am quiet shy and laid back more so due to the fact I don't want to get my ego and narcissism on.
I made bad choices, in friendships, had someone who accepted and understood me and drove them away in fear. I don't resent that because that was 2 years ago, but I understand how they feel about me and accept that as the consequence of their actions. I still have fear in the weather, flashing lights on two trucks, fire engines, or the sight of a security or police or law enforcement auto.
I have been remembering more pain and so bad things I did, and the worst part is. I'm not any better than the abuse I had at work, on and off the job. I did it to others, and I am guilty. The holidays are coming up and I'm going to spend it alone this year, sober and well just sort of alone. Maybe thats how I need to be, I need to let the pain ozzee in.
I have laundry today, some grocery shopping for later in the week and a therapy appointment and to make a doctors appointment. I am afraid and don't know what to do, but I am going to do it and face my fears and bring the pain on.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Sunday, October 21, 2007
self growth for today
My day to today was interesting and obscure and also very well emotionally painful. I didn't sleep much, I had a odd desire and dream and well cravening last night and remembering more pain I caused others. I went to a church this morning searching for faith,alas I have none.
I also had horrid dreams, its embarrassing but I remember bad, nasty hateful things I did to others, and sometimes I don't awaken and bed wet in the nightmares as em brassing as the pain is. I also dreamed something else horrid, that I did or had someone else do for me to keep my hands clean.
I went to the office warehouse and went through files, I also read up some on illness and depression and other things, Its hard for me as a Capricorn to admit defeat. I have a plan to reach in 18 months as a goal. And I would rather die sober than to falter or relapse in my plans.
I found something else today, I went grocery shopping, hauled off some crap, and went urban exploring and searching for more of myself and my past. I also did some house work and domestic things. Talked to a old church friend thats in Utah today before he went to church.
I am making my thanksgiving plans, I also crossed paths with a old friend out in past the old me, I talked to the folks and family more about my gender identity and transsexual issues, and we debate things, but in honesty it did not shock some people who raised me and took care of me growing up. Just some debate as to when they took form is debatable.
Ive been dreaming of things, and the movie the return is a good relationship to how my life is going at the present, the creepiness and earyness. I am remembering something horrid I did, and It hurts, and I am going legitimate, but the pain is really bad. I know I cant allow things to build up, I go to a few meetings a week. But mainly just stooping by helps where I started I just have so much to do, but not to much in sanity.
I don't want the pain, and don't want to be out and about around town, but I have tasks to finish and much to do Monday morning, Ive stopped spending nights on roof tops, and now spend nights, in parking lots, utility corridors, and off road overlooks of rivers and bayous. Though I still occasionally go on roof tops my train of thought is depressing. Ive been dreaming of a motorcycle as of late.
I had a salsa very wrap today with Tabasco sauce and have been dreaming more of well the future and somewhere there is a 3 series awd supercharged hard top convertible along with a A+ cert and the pacific coast highway in the picture.
I also this morning understood why MM and JT want me to get further help, and listened to talk radio watching the nightlife drunks, and binge eating and throwing up and a upset tummy ache last night, some people burn out and need something more to help them. I had a lot of trauma, and I want justice, but the truth is I wonder if I deserve it. I honestly am more quiet, shy and laid back. I don't like crowds and like to people watch, if someone finds me interesting maybe ok, but I have high standards and taste, I am very generous and caring and giving and charitable, and like to give service with time, skills, and giving things materialistic even if I purchase it for that reason.
I also saw someone more recently that brought more and more pain into my life, I had a shock wave as of late on the north loop and some more painful thoughts hitting me back when I had a desire of drinking more and more.
I plan to reach my goal, even if I reach it and give up to achieve enlightenment. I am scared but I am making it and reaching myself. And growing.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
My life and discovery today and beyond
I alsohad my name removed from the church records
Saturday, October 20, 2007
my life in houston
The growth of myself, and I am working the 4ht step and inventory
> 2. When you are ready to make a beginning on your fourth step, remember
> there is no hard or fast rule. You should, however, end up with three
> lists; among them would be a list of resentments of people, institutions or
> principles, including the reason why you are angry. Page 65 in the Big Book
> is a good layout to follow, but don't get confused (which I did) about the
> actual wording. Stick with your own life. Then if you need help, I will
> help you figure out what part of your life each item of the list has an
> affect on, such as self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal and sex
> relations.
>
> Another list would be one of your fears, with no resentment in
> connection with them.
>
> A third list will be to review when and how, and in just what instances
> did your selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and
> yourself? Page 52 in the Twelve and Twelve will help with this (second
> paragraph).
>
> That's about it Lee, for now, except let me refer you to p. 46 in the
> Twelve & Twelve, beginning with the middle paragraph and finishing to the
> end of p. 47. This will give you a heads up on the reasons most people have
> a hard time with the fourth step, including moi.
Thats the attachment after the meeting with my sponsor today. In other news, I have opened myself up more to understanding and acceptability and well being more open and less bitchy, but I don't like crowds even though My narcissism ego. I don't want to add more to the above list, till I am able which for the most part I don't think is a good idea I have IRS and other matters to attend to. I am focused on leavening given My view is not good here, and I have damaged my reputation beyond repair here, which even If it is repairable, I want nothing to do with my own kind, or other trans gender folk. I find most disgusting and regardless, I find drag queens, transsexual hookers and escorts more disgusting and even cross dressers equity repulsive.
I crossed boundaries and have a very long list of things to write, the problem is well the memories are coming back bad. I remember at one time I had a friend of mine tail, or run a plate number etc. for my own mischievous purposes or install a gps tracking device, and even had bugged a room in a building, or slashed tires the hate of myself and insecurity and demon. I want to be good and kind again, the anger was inside myself and at myself and I wasn't ready and I am uncertain how to preside but I plan to do step 4 very honestly and passionately and other means.
In other news I got a bit done today, and worked on some issues and have a drive outside the city for some personal affairs in the morning or tomorrow and Monday I have much to bring to my un-manageable tasks here in Houston before leavening for San Fransisco ideally, next fall winter 2008 before new years hopefully before Halloween or thanksgiving to start my life over in one year where I can have a clean slate and fresh start after I work on my interpersonal issues and unmanagabityly.
I'm willing to go to any-eights to move even leave everything behind, not out of shame or geographic running, but because I was wrong as much as I don't like to admit, it and even if others can forgive me, I am too ashamed to ever set foot in this town again.
I did laundry today, cooked breakfast, ate dinner, went out for coffee, and went shopping for some HBA and personal products and other tasks, I might go to memorial city, and stroll the temple grounds this weekend. Its peaceful up there im trying to get NB to go with me. She would be amazed.
In other news, I had to cut off some other pain, CE number is removed from the phone book he caused me to much pain. LR I have respected her wishes and the wishes of others.
My therapist gave me some thoughts, and I have done some research on disorders and ideas. And I have accepted that I have a problem and I am working one day at time to correct it. In other news, I have some doc appointments this week with MM and JT and also do not regret my digression this weekend it was good for my karma even if out of my usual sexual pickyness I have very high standards and am overly deadpanning and had my feelings hurt even if I lowered my standards briefly.
I have to go grocery shopping ina bit, call the insurance co, update my police report for the bum that went after my truck, and do other things. I have to work on my list the list and pain of hell. And work on more and more I have made my self assessment and my sponsor is wonderful and puts up with my bitch and I just have to bring more order to my life.
I did laundry today, and went to the bank, called the folks, and DT. Left a message at MLS, and talked to PMG. Ill probably talk to DLG tomorrow. I also have to shop around for an atty for a personal and tax red tape manner, and other issues.
I am going shopping for a individualized health care plan, and have a job fair, and resume and other things to do, and to see about a service project as well. I talked to Brandi also and took care and hope she is well.
Yetserday I got to smoke a hookia and invited in the cirlcle, I was a little queezy and tonight I am a bit sick or not feeling as well as I would like to be but I am alive and well, and have much to be greatful for, blah
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Self-Reflections and enlightenment for a personal affermation and zen
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
PO Box 66471
Houston, texas 77266-6471
Who is Me?
I am someone who is insecure with herself, who struggles to find her self and accept her self in sobriety. I struggle for the first time in my life un-certain of what to do, that I am physically and mentally able and of the mindset to handle and struggle to find inner peace with myself.
I struggle to accept things, let go of the past. I find that I know I am transsexual but hate others like my self. I struggle to accept and be rational about myself.
I feel at odds, I don't like people and went though a terroristic mad at the word, man hater due to the abuse, and self-abuse and mistreatment at the workplace and drinking. Took peoples advice as hostile and over-judgmental and even became somewhat of a vigilante. But I let go.
I am someone kind, charitable, honest loyal, would give my life to save another, like helping people, but I don't like to ask others for help. I have trouble and self-esteem issues do to abuse, and don't like asking or allowing others in my life due to being abused a lot. But I am a fighter (in spirit) and willing to go to whatever weighings inside my values, beliefs and morality and not disgrace myself, body or soul any more, with abusing others, myself, or being self-distributive.
I like the outdoors, adventure, camping, But also like cooking ,gardening, and power tools. I like helping others, church, faith, doing good deeds, being a angel on the freeway. Giving to charity with my time, and money and service work.
I have a heart and would give my physical possessions things or give away to help others, I like to spend at home and read but like to be out and about given I like to be active in the community and enjoy camping, and learning and have a curiosity about the world about me.
I face those who don't understand, the folks who don't understand me, the folks I hurt with my drinking, and self-destructive actions. I am a spirituality strong person, I really hurt and struggle with explaining gender and transsexualism to those who don't get it, or those who don't understand it. I am slowly with 90 days of clarity of life.
I know I accept myself, I know who I am, I know I am female, and transsexual, but my fears, insecurity and resentments and the Mormon thing, and family led to years of resentments. And insecurely. I know I will probably always be alone, my life is rough. But I know what direction I wish to grow and progress into. I know where I want to go today, and know Id rather be sober and I being selfish to myself now am stuck going to meetings till the day I die.
I know I want meaning in life, in work, education, and don't like being idle, and want to be active. I don't like being at home much due to being lonely. I have a likening to coffee shops and conversation and being social and things of that nature.
I like giving to others, but have trouble being close to others or building friendships or keeping them I either destroy myself. Or hurt myself, or hurt others or withdraw. Meaning why I don't keep a tv at home or Internet as those are time watchers.
I have grown into who I am, but feel 90% of people don't understand me or what makes me tick but rather than try to explain or inform trans gender issues, I withdraw into depression, homophobia, or drinking which is no longer an Option I broke free. I abused my body and have been abused, so fitness and healthy living has become one of my largest goals, running and doing chores or work which is physically demanding is very important to me to stay in shape.
I know I like myself, I know I want myself, I know I am a fighter, but the garbage I see and folks who do the drag show thing disgust me. And just get tied off seeing many lost into the cesspool of drinking, prostitution and prison and crime. I broke free but don't know why. But I just grew tired of the bull shit drama.
I want to help people, travel to places, write inform people about the world. I like being mobile as I never though I would have. I learn not to take others stereotypes and over-judgmental feelings as a resentment but to try and inform those who don't know much about the differences of gender identity and sexual ordination, and develop and teach as a missionary of sorts, a missionary of love, peace and information rather than mis-information.
Knowledge and spiritual, and interpersonal growth is key. Key to love, life and self-growth in yourself. I know who I am. And accepted it not because of others but for me. I wasn't ready some lie to them selves, and I hate or rather more politically correct dislike folks who are not true to themselves. I did it for years and years and years. And sometimes have resentments or things which is very dangerous. Some people never come outside the box and remain a square all of their life.
I also want to mention that I have seen enough death, dieing and drama. And while I feed of negativity maybe with my messed up so called childhood where everything is supposed to be enjoyable. That I miss it I have trouble fiting in and living.
I love life, and myself and wish the Latter Day Saint church would allow me to break free and grow and prosper into myself and evolve beyond the box, or ex-commutate me or remove my name for the records, I am a very tough person when I have to be but I dislike doing and fighting battles by not minding my own business, not speaking up and allowing things to get bad, or enjoy and feed of my own pain and inner suffering.
I love my aunt Darline and the alleys, but they think I am a pervert and another reason I will never remain home, why would you want to be a female, how can you be born a male transition to female, yet like other females it must be a sex thing. They don't get the differences and Houston was my choice as I prior mentioned inner city was more progressive than outside. I miss living in my old west chase apartment but don't like the neighborhood, crime and rising traffic like being able to walk here, while I love cars and the open road and outdoors. I don't like traffic anymore or being an extrema commuter.
I also dislike and have a lot of phobia or males, large packs of males that may or may not be unassuming or accepting, and black and has panic males due to those were largely black males and some has panics who abused me physical and emotionally at work and growing up I was tormented by black males and well you get the drift.
I fear letting go and being sober But I made ,it I deiced I must stay sober for not being such hurts me and destroys myself, my life and just sends things to hell. I have grown and found some insecurity's in myself but also it hurts for poor things I did to other people out of self-destructive actions, or making a bad substitution worse by being a drama queen which I have no desire to be anymore
But when working on therapy, employment, taxes and other issues I have allowed my life to fall into almost the gutter of unmanageably and death, with dishonesty, loyalty, drinking, and near suicide and being naughty.
While being life is not all fun and games. I have found nothing power, and ego while I enjoy it is not the most disreputable and most are under constant stress and scrutiny and drink or kill themselves with overdose or further destruction.
I find I want somethings which the church wanted or could have given me even my trucking and diving into work, family, someone I care about, adventure of the open road, travel for work, fitness, physically demanding field work. Or might want a office deal, but in my spare time and on the weekends my camping trips.
I still often sometimes sleeping dream of my Baja fooling camper in the back of my pickup truck often as do I dream of living in Montana or Wyoming in retirement in a pop up rv or truck camper and a big boat and large diesel 4x4 pickup truck in Canada and Alaska as well. I love high altitude and rural America and the snow, and ice I grow tired and disgusted with the city. And often wonder if my dream will ever be reachable but don't want to do that alone.
I admit my life and ego rules around me and I can be rude, obnoxious, over-judgmental, and selfish and have trouble shearing, being honest and being with others, and often I judge and stereotype other people rather than learn about them.
I find more and more about myself, I find I love my more insubstantial, electronic, and obscure music. But country, jazz., and classical relaxes me and reminds me off my mother. And as is running is very important to my sobriety. I feel before leaving Houston as I often speak I need to work on myself or my problems will follow me which is very bad due to the fact I'm almost gasp 30 years old I feel old, I milestone and while I progressed more in some areas, I allmsot sank down the tubes in others.
I also have discovered that I have issues with my self I have grown more into someone or something or somewhat of an obscurity and self-well confusion and misinformation. I find I burned out a lot of brains, knowledge with my drinking and self-distributive actions. Positive thoughts bring positive results, what I eat affects how I feel. And what I do and how I treat myself, or allow into myself writhe its media, music or popular culture affects my over all implementor.
I find I need to do what I must do for me and no one else to obtain enlightenment, and the search for knowledge is very real and urgent to the task and had to get better not to pump my body with poison, medication or more drugs to serve ego, and self comfort and inner- personal growth and enlightenment. And find myself.
I may find something else. I also found my pain within myself and what brings it, and the lies of who I am.
The reality is I discovered happiness within myself, someone in sfo made me discover what I lost my true inner self. I had to ball up in sobriety with this bad ass bullshit. At 90 days I am remembering horrid things I did when I used to party.
I remember who I am, and who I want to be not the lip of the bottle. I found something else out also. I went to a new meeting with Nancy B and others. I found other parts in myself and found what I must talk in therapy this week and bring.
The pain is I present as someone I am not, I overcame some without drinking, but must find her again, me. And the pain boils, in severity, also the bad as girl I once was, I was driving down the road, and remembered some friends I used to party with or so call friends wanted to rip off some drug dealer or drop spot in a area Houston park that is used to drop off items.
In other news, I found my folks and others know me and know what I must do for me, my traveling and self growth and direction for myself. My trueself. I also know my family, and I am loved, and might have even set a friend into a al-anon meeting due to the pain I caused her, that hurts, but I linage a lot of cops, fire, ems, and therapists and doctors could use a little al-alon from time to time.
Nancy Gave me home work also. And I found more of myself and for my homework, I found I push people way and isolate and drink to deal and medicate the pain, I had someone I pushed away that cared and liked me and dint respect me. And others don't respect me and I found something that I must do for me and I alone.
I also found some people in clarity from the past, that I didn't get along with still don't like me we are a bunch of stuck up selfish assholes and jerks and know what I need to do. And where I really want to go.
I went out a little this weekend and myself confidence and spirituality and planning to leave Houston and Texas sits and sets in. I have a plan and dream and must work toward those goals and grow and prosper within myself to grow.
Halloween the worst holiday in soberly is upcoming as are the Christmas holiday season
I also discovered that I need to grow and prosper into my themselves and I would die rather than be someone I was not just as much I would die before I take another drink, detox and 90 days is a bitch and I don't want to go though these painful feelings and emotions again.
I did those bad things because I wanted to die, I did those nasty things to others because, I hated myself, feared myself, I pissed off folks who cared now I am garbage and nobody and nothing, and scare people away from me, who care because well. I am afraid, I hurt to come out the box, I fear having being hurt again by friends, I hurt to trust others and be honest and want to be loved, I just well I'm selfish and want others to love me that I love.
I hurt so bad for what I did to a friend and other friendships and bad choices, and not standing up and being distributive to myself.
I would like to be loved, and accepted but most don't someone more recently would have and I found love and acceptance in the most odd and obscure place. And wish I could get that person to come back.
I push others away from me.
I like art, freestyle, but also money power, and control but also charity, activism and being physically active. I did physicality demanding work while being abused, I have a lot of racism and sexism in me hating blacks, Hispanics, and males but work to overcome those given those were largely those who hurt me. I hurt so bad and much.
I am in massive pain and suffering for self-distributive going around bad places and doing bad things and spending so long as someone I am not. And need to come out to speak. In other news, I sometimes miss it its a comfort zone, what I learned to be as normal to accept my transsexual feelings and as female, and while I don't want to relive the bad past, I have to to stay sober or something or its comfortable and I am learning to relive,and be born again into a birthday.
I sludged up my brain, with booze, smoke, and pills. And went recently to someone from my past to view, and learn more about myself and grow and prosper more. I also as of late have been missing bush park and bear creek park of late. I miss all the creatures out near bear creek. I often used to find road kill and once when driving though there back 2 years ago now, almost got hit by a wild boar out in west Houston, I also miss mudding out near the addiks reservoir. And other places.
I talked to Nancy more recently about taking a drive to see the beautiful temple grounds, I know people that are excommunicated, the temple grounds are open to the public, and even though near spring and tom ball the temple is once place I love, even though I don't practice there the grounds are beautiful.
I lost my virginity on the grounds late at night near the baton rouge, la temple. The first girl I made out with I made out on the grounds of the church on Bering drive in Houston, another time one of my worst sexual confessionals I had sex with another trans person a bad thing I don't want to remember it was that bad, at church, she was to much drama and big into drinking and other bs. Might have been the person I don't know.
Blah, I feel at odds but I am making my out of town a reality sort of slowly but surely, I have found diet, excessive and driving and leisure and life in moderation is very helpful for my sobriety and program. And the people I don't like I don't like anyway.
Houston is a bigcity but do to in being so spread out, everyone knows everyone, so its like small town My photographic memorize, good hearing, smarts, and just figuring things out leads me to trouble. I want to help people possibly a private investigator, would be fun, or IT security or risk management or therapy. I have 2 years anyway before I go to the SFO. In other news, I found a higher power, My mother is a angel and my goddess and looks after me and is who I worship and my faith is 12-step programs.
I know who I am and where I am going, I sent off a resume to whole foods and hope to hear something back I also dint make it up to the old church up near tom ball north past jersey village to visit some fold friends and people I adore in the church, even though we see differently those 3 people respect me, and love and care about me.
I also cleaned and sorted house today, tossed more mail back to the post office, I get tons of bill collectors after my address, even a drug dealer, pimp, private investigator, and cop once came to my door once that slut moved out my apartment. That I live in.
But I reps ct her choices shes not ready, my neighbor said something good she might start working and be well more wholesome or a good girl, maybe I had that missionary experience on another transsexual. The new neighbors creep me out a little, just odd feelings and vibes, though the girl is pretty attractive . I guess the other girl got tired of the slum lord, and co2 poisoning she really bitched a lot about the gas, I just mind my own business.
Even if I am a goddess of the universe, I need to be more sociality acceptable and accept myself, and people don't allwaysx understand us. I miss going camping and bugs, muck, dirt and have been thinking of going mudding or something. I also have been dreaming of taking a hike or day trip someplace, and really urn for a nice BMX bicycle of sorts.
I found something else out, that I love life and country, music, jazz and classical help me. I am grateful I got to meet friends and make amends with some trans folk I was nasty to and played uno. I didn't go out with them they went drinking last night. And had good clean wholesome fun. (I sound like a Mormon) lol
Blah, Life is good, I need to start being grateful for more.
I'm grateful to have my beautiful pickup truck, roof over my head, money in the bank, and bills paid, a wonderful therapist and a great sponsor, and people to be around, and found aa and 12-step programs and cleaned up my life.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
My daily affirmations and self-relfctions
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
PO Box 66471
Houston, texas 77266-6471
Who is Me?
I am someone who is insecure with herself, who struggles to find her self and accept her self in sobriety. I struggle for the first time in my life un-certain of what to do, that I am physically and mentally able and of the mindset to handle and struggle to find inner peace with myself.
I struggle to accept things, let go of the past. I find that I know I am transsexual but hate others like my self. I struggle to accept and be rational about myself.
I feel at odds, I don't like people and went though a terroristic mad at the word, man hater due to the abuse, and self-abuse and mistreatment at the workplace and drinking. Took peoples advice as hostile and over-judgmental and even became somewhat of a vigilante. But I let go.
I am someone kind, charitable, honest loyal, would give my life to save another, like helping people, but I don't like to ask others for help. I have trouble and self-esteem issues do to abuse, and don't like asking or allowing others in my life due to being abused a lot. But I am a fighter (in spirit) and willing to go to whatever weighings inside my values, beliefs and morality and not disgrace myself, body or soul any more, with abusing others, myself, or being self-distributive.
I like the outdoors, adventure, camping, But also like cooking ,gardening, and power tools. I like helping others, church, faith, doing good deeds, being a angel on the freeway. Giving to charity with my time, and money and service work.
I have a heart and would give my physical possessions things or give away to help others, I like to spend at home and read but like to be out and about given I like to be active in the community and enjoy camping, and learning and have a curiosity about the world about me.
I face those who don't understand, the folks who don't understand me, the folks I hurt with my drinking, and self-destructive actions. I am a spirituality strong person, I really hurt and struggle with explaining gender and transsexualism to those who don't get it, or those who don't understand it. I am slowly with 90 days of clarity of life.
I know I accept myself, I know who I am, I know I am female, and transsexual, but my fears, insecurity and resentments and the Mormon thing, and family led to years of resentments. And insecurely. I know I will probably always be alone, my life is rough. But I know what direction I wish to grow and progress into. I know where I want to go today, and know Id rather be sober and I being selfish to myself now am stuck going to meetings till the day I die.
I know I want meaning in life, in work, education, and don't like being idle, and want to be active. I don't like being at home much due to being lonely. I have a likening to coffee shops and conversation and being social and things of that nature.
I like giving to others, but have trouble being close to others or building friendships or keeping them I either destroy myself. Or hurt myself, or hurt others or withdraw. Meaning why I don't keep a tv at home or Internet as those are time watchers.
I have grown into who I am, but feel 90% of people don't understand me or what makes me tick but rather than try to explain or inform trans gender issues, I withdraw into depression, homophobia, or drinking which is no longer an Option I broke free. I abused my body and have been abused, so fitness and healthy living has become one of my largest goals, running and doing chores or work which is physically demanding is very important to me to stay in shape.
I know I like myself, I know I want myself, I know I am a fighter, but the garbage I see and folks who do the drag show thing disgust me. And just get tied off seeing many lost into the cesspool of drinking, prostitution and prison and crime. I broke free but don't know why. But I just grew tired of the bull shit drama.
I want to help people, travel to places, write inform people about the world. I like being mobile as I never though I would have. I learn not to take others stereotypes and over-judgmental feelings as a resentment but to try and inform those who don't know much about the differences of gender identity and sexual ordination, and develop and teach as a missionary of sorts, a missionary of love, peace and information rather than mis-information.
Knowledge and spiritual, and interpersonal growth is key. Key to love, life and self-growth in yourself. I know who I am. And accepted it not because of others but for me. I wasn't ready some lie to them selves, and I hate or rather more politically correct dislike folks who are not true to themselves. I did it for years and years and years. And sometimes have resentments or things which is very dangerous. Some people never come outside the box and remain a square all of their life.
I also want to mention that I have seen enough death, dieing and drama. And while I feed of negativity maybe with my messed up so called childhood where everything is supposed to be enjoyable. That I miss it I have trouble fiting in and living.
I love life, and myself and wish the Latter Day Saint church would allow me to break free and grow and prosper into myself and evolve beyond the box, or ex-commutate me or remove my name for the records, I am a very tough person when I have to be but I dislike doing and fighting battles by not minding my own business, not speaking up and allowing things to get bad, or enjoy and feed of my own pain and inner suffering.
I love my aunt Darline and the alleys, but they think I am a pervert and another reason I will never remain home, why would you want to be a female, how can you be born a male transition to female, yet like other females it must be a sex thing. They don't get the differences and Houston was my choice as I prior mentioned inner city was more progressive than outside. I miss living in my old west chase apartment but don't like the neighborhood, crime and rising traffic like being able to walk here, while I love cars and the open road and outdoors. I don't like traffic anymore or being an extrema commuter.
I also dislike and have a lot of phobia or males, large packs of males that may or may not be unassuming or accepting, and black and has panic males due to those were largely black males and some has panics who abused me physical and emotionally at work and growing up I was tormented by black males and well you get the drift.
I fear letting go and being sober But I made ,it I deiced I must stay sober for not being such hurts me and destroys myself, my life and just sends things to hell. I have grown and found some insecurity's in myself but also it hurts for poor things I did to other people out of self-destructive actions, or making a bad substitution worse by being a drama queen which I have no desire to be anymore
But when working on therapy, employment, taxes and other issues I have allowed my life to fall into almost the gutter of unmanageably and death, with dishonesty, loyalty, drinking, and near suicide and being naughty.
While being life is not all fun and games. I have found nothing power, and ego while I enjoy it is not the most disreputable and most are under constant stress and scrutiny and drink or kill themselves with overdose or further destruction.
I find I want somethings which the church wanted or could have given me even my trucking and diving into work, family, someone I care about, adventure of the open road, travel for work, fitness, physically demanding field work. Or might want a office deal, but in my spare time and on the weekends my camping trips.
I still often sometimes sleeping dream of my Baja fooling camper in the back of my pickup truck often as do I dream of living in Montana or Wyoming in retirement in a pop up rv or truck camper and a big boat and large diesel 4x4 pickup truck in Canada and Alaska as well. I love high altitude and rural America and the snow, and ice I grow tired and disgusted with the city. And often wonder if my dream will ever be reachable but don't want to do that alone.
I admit my life and ego rules around me and I can be rude, obnoxious, over-judgmental, and selfish and have trouble shearing, being honest and being with others, and often I judge and stereotype other people rather than learn about them.
I find more and more about myself, I find I love my more insubstantial, electronic, and obscure music. But country, jazz., and classical relaxes me and reminds me off my mother. And as is running is very important to my sobriety. I feel before leaving Houston as I often speak I need to work on myself or my problems will follow me which is very bad due to the fact I'm almost gasp 30 years old I feel old, I milestone and while I progressed more in some areas, I allmsot sank down the tubes in others.
I also have discovered that I have issues with my self I have grown more into someone or something or somewhat of an obscurity and self-well confusion and misinformation. I find I burned out a lot of brains, knowledge with my drinking and self-distributive actions. Positive thoughts bring positive results, what I eat affects how I feel. And what I do and how I treat myself, or allow into myself writhe its media, music or popular culture affects my over all implementor.
I find I need to do what I must do for me and no one else to obtain enlightenment, and the search for knowledge is very real and urgent to the task and had to get better not to pump my body with poison, medication or more drugs to serve ego, and self comfort and inner- personal growth and enlightenment. And find myself.
I may find something else. I also found my pain within myself and what brings it, and the lies of who I am.
The reality is I discovered happiness within myself, someone in sfo made me discover what I lost my true inner self. I had to ball up in sobriety with this bad ass bullshit. At 90 days I am remembering horrid things I did when I used to party.
I remember who I am, and who I want to be not the lip of the bottle. I found something else out also. I went to a new meeting with Nancy B and others. I found other parts in myself and found what I must talk in therapy this week and bring.
The pain is I present as someone I am not, I overcame some without drinking, but must find her again, me. And the pain boils, in severity, also the bad as girl I once was, I was driving down the road, and remembered some friends I used to party with or so call friends wanted to rip off some drug dealer or drop spot in a area Houston park that is used to drop off items.
In other news, I found my folks and others know me and know what I must do for me, my traveling and self growth and direction for myself. My trueself. I also know my family, and I am loved, and might have even set a friend into a al-anon meeting due to the pain I caused her, that hurts, but I linage a lot of cops, fire, ems, and therapists and doctors could use a little al-alon from time to time.
Nancy Gave me home work also. And I found more of myself and for my homework, I found I push people way and isolate and drink to deal and medicate the pain, I had someone I pushed away that cared and liked me and dint respect me. And others don't respect me and I found something that I must do for me and I alone.
I also found some people in clarity from the past, that I didn't get along with still don't like me we are a bunch of stuck up selfish assholes and jerks and know what I need to do. And where I really want to go.
I went out a little this weekend and myself confidence and spirituality and planning to leave Houston and Texas sits and sets in. I have a plan and dream and must work toward those goals and grow and prosper within myself to grow.
Halloween the worst holiday in soberly is upcoming as are the Christmas holiday season
I also discovered that I need to grow and prosper into my themselves and I would die rather than be someone I was not just as much I would die before I take another drink, detox and 90 days is a bitch and I don't want to go though these painful feelings and emotions again.
I did those bad things because I wanted to die, I did those nasty things to others because, I hated myself, feared myself, I pissed off folks who cared now I am garbage and nobody and nothing, and scare people away from me, who care because well. I am afraid, I hurt to come out the box, I fear having being hurt again by friends, I hurt to trust others and be honest and want to be loved, I just well I'm selfish and want others to love me that I love.
I hurt so bad for what I did to a friend and other friendships and bad choices, and not standing up and being distributive to myself.
I would like to be loved, and accepted but most don't someone more recently would have and I found love and acceptance in the most odd and obscure place. And wish I could get that person to come back.
I push others away from me.
I like art, freestyle, but also money power, and control but also charity, activism and being physically active. I did physicality demanding work while being abused, I have a lot of racism and sexism in me hating blacks, Hispanics, and males but work to overcome those given those were largely those who hurt me. I hurt so bad and much.
I am in massive pain and suffering for self-distributive going around bad places and doing bad things and spending so long as someone I am not. And need to come out to speak.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Self reflections into myself
Who is Me?
I am someone who is insecure with herself, who struggles to find her self and accept her self in sobriety. I struggle for the first time in my life un-certain of what to do, that I am physically and mentally able and of the mindset to handle and struggle to find inner peace with myself.
I struggle to accept things, let go of the past. I find that I know I am transsexual but hate others like my self. I struggle to accept and be rational about myself.
I feel at odds, I don't like people and went though a terroristic mad at the word, man hater due to the abuse, and self-abuse and mistreatment at the workplace and drinking. Took peoples advice as hostile and over-judgemental and even became somewhat of a vigilante. But I let go.
I am someone kind, charitable, honest loyal, would give my life to save another, like helping people, but I don't like to ask others for help. I have trouble and self-esteem issues do to abuse, and don't like asking or allowing others in my life due to being abused a lot. But I am a fighter (in spirit) and willing to go to whatever weighings inside my values, beliefs and morality and not disgrace myself, body or soul any more, with abusing others, myself, or being self-distributive.
I like the outdoors, adventure, camping, But also like cooking ,gardening, and power tools. I like helping others, church, faith, doing good deeds, being a angel on the freeway. Giving to charity with my time, and money and service work.
I have a heart and would give my physcal possitons things or give away to help others, I like to spend at home and read but like to be out and about given I like to be active in the community and enjoy camping, and learning and have a curiousity about the world about me.
I face those who don't understand, the folks who don't understand me, the folks I hurt with my drinking, and self-destructive actions. I am a spirituality strong person, I really hurt and struggle with explaining gender and transexuality to those who don't get it, or those who don't understand it. I am slowly with 90 days of clarity of life.
I know I accept myself, I know who I am, I know I am female, and transsexual, but my fears, insecurity and resentments and the Mormon thing, and family led to years of resentments. And insecurely. I know I will probably always be alone, my life is rought. But I know what direction I wish to grow and progress into. I know where I want to go today, and know Id rather be sober and I being selfish to myself now am stuck going to meetings till the day I die.
I know I want meaning in life, in work, education, and don't like being idle, and want to be active. I don't like being at home much due to being lonely. I have a likening to coffee shops and conversation and being social and things of that nature.
I like giving to others, but have trouble being close to others or building friendships or keeping them I either destroy myself. Or hurt myself, or hurt others or withdraw. Meaning why I don't keep a tv at home or Internet as those are time watchers.
I have grown into who I am, but feel 90% of people don't understand me or what makes me tick but rather than try to explain or inform trans gender issues, I withdraw into depression, homophobia, or drinking which is no longer an Option I broke free. I abused my body and have been abused, so fitness and healthy living has become one of my largest goals, running and doing chores or work which is physically demanding is very important to me to stay in shape.
I know I like myself, I know I want myself, I know I am a fighter, but the garbage I see and folks who do the drag show thing disgust me. And just get tied off seeing many lost into the cesspool of drinking, prostitution and prison and crime. I broke free but don't know why. But I just grew tired of the bull shit drama.
I want to help people, travel to places, write inform people about the world. I like being mobile as I never though I would have. I learn not to take others stereotypes and over-judgmental feelings as a resentment but to try and inform those who don't know much about the differences of gender identity and sexual ordination, and develop and teach as a missionary of sorts, a missionary of love, peace and information rather than mis-information.
Knowledge and spiritual, and interpersonal growth is key. Key to love, life and self-growth in yourself. I know who I am. And accepted it not because of others but for me. I wasn't ready some lie to them selves, and I hate or rather more politically correct dislike folks who are not true to themselves. I did it for years and years and years. And sometimes have resentments or things which is very dangerous. Some people never come outside the box and remain a square all of their life.
I also want to mention that I have seen enough death, dieing and dramma. And while I feed of negativeity maybe with my messed up so called childhood where everything is supposed to be enjoyable. That I miss it I have trouble fiting in and living.
I love life, and myself and wish the Latter Day Saint church would allow me to break free and grow and prosper into myself and evolve beyond the box, or ex-commucate me or remove my name for the records, I am a very tough person when I have to be but I dislike doing and fighting battles by not minding my own business, not speaking up and allowing things to get bad, or enjoy and feed of my own pain and inner suffering.
I love my aunt Darline and the talleys, but they think I am a pervert and another reason I will never remain home, why would you want to be a female, how can you be born a male transition to female, yet like other females it must be a sex thing. They don't get the differences and Houston was my choice as I prior mentioned inner city was more progressive than outside. I miss living in my old west chase apartment but don't like the neighborhood, crime and rising traffic like being able to walk here, while I love cars and the open road and outdoors. I don't like traffic anymore or being an extrema commuter.
I also dislike and have a lot of phobia or males, large packs of males that may or may not be unassuming or accepting, and black and has panic males due to those were largely black males and some has panics who abused me physical and emotionally at work and growing up I was tormented by black males and well you get the drift.
I fear letting go and being sober But I made ,it I deiced I must stay sober for not being such hurts me and destroys myself, my life and just sends things to hell. I have grown and found some insecurity's in myself but also it hurts for poor things I did to other people out of self-destructive actions, or making a bad substitution worse by being a drama queen which I have no desire to be anymore
But when working on therapy, employment, taxes and other issues I have allowed my life to fall into almost the gutter of unmanageably and death, with dishonesty, loyalty, drinking, and near suicide and being naughty.
While being life is not all fun and games. I have found nothing power, and ego while I enjoy it is not the most disreputable and most are under constant stress and scrutiny and drink or kill themselves with overdose or further destruction.
I find I want somethings which the church wanted or could have given me even my trucking and diving into work, family, someone I care about, adventure of the open road, travel for work, fitness, physically demanding field work. Or might want a office deal, but in my spare time and on the weekends my camping trips.
I still often sometimes sleeping dream of my Baja fooling camper in the back of my pickup truck often as do I dream of living in Montana or Wyoming in retirement in a pop up rv or truck camper and a big boat and large disel 4x4 pickup truck in Canada and Alaska as well. I love high altitude and rural America and the snow, and ice I grow tired and disgusted with the city. And often wonder if my dream will ever be reachable but don't want to do that alone.
I admit my life and ego rules around me and I can be rude, obnoxious, over-judgmental, and selfish and have trouble shearing, being honest and being with others, and often I judge and stereotype other people rather than learn about them.
I find more and more about myself, I find I love my more insubstantial, electronic, and obscure music. But country, jazz., and classical relaxes me and reminds me off my mother. And as is running is very important to my sobriety. I feel before leaving Houston as I often speak I need to work on myself or my problems will follow me which is very bad due to the fact I'm almost gasp 30 years old I feel old, I milestone and while I progressed more in some areas, I allmsot sank down the tubes in others.
I also have discovered that I have issues with my self I have grown more into someone or something or somewhat of an obscurity and self-well confusion and misinformation. I find I burned out a lot of brains, knowledge with my drinking and self-distributive actions. Positive thoughts bring positive results, what I eat affects how I feel. And what I do and how I treat myself, or allow into myself writhe its media, music or popular culture affects my over all implementor.
I find I need to do what I must do for me and no one else to obtain enlightenment, and the search for knowledge is very real and urgent to the task and had to get better not to pump my body with poison, medication or more drugs to serve ego, and self comfort and inner- personal growth and enlightenment. And find myself.
I may find something else.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
