Life in Sobery, service, faith, and starting a brand new day, one day at atime

Monday, June 23, 2008

Did service work at AA Central office today, Caller a few sober folks today, did do some job hunting and are linked up with the local one stop center, going to a place tomorrow. Also exploring a grant or two.

Took care partially of some IRS Issues, Composed a letter for Public Storage in Texas, and called a friend in Texas to do a favor for me in Houston. Spoke to someone in the LDS church.

Met someone who’s coming into town maybe for pride that’s 2 years older than me transgender, sober, in recovery, came out as transgender in Houston in the mid 1990s we also both became drunks in Montrose which is fucking awesome, she also lived in New Orleans and awesome, and we have a lot in common, and potential as a best friend, or maybe even a long term relatshionshop and partnership.

Been doing step work for the lists for steps with my sponsor, my higher power and own personal Jesus is back and balance.

I also met some other folks through craigslist, I composed well with myself, and further grew, and prospered for my soul.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/23/08

The reality of myself, and who I am as an in divudal sets clear, I discussed with ray, how much though I dont idol him, worship him or woriship 12-step meetings, I have been icolating, and wanted to tell him I love him, I think I would be in jail or prison or drunk or dead or have gone on a viglantie spree, if I had not found (again) when I was ready the fellowship of AA.

The reality is, I have much to commit, for myself and what I need to do. I plan and take on to much it is one of my flaws, but on a postive note, I put others before myself, and I contunie to progresss, into enlightment and zen. I signed up and contacted someone for the rent control canvising for the city upcoming election.

I further more went to my morning meeting, and ave a few other commitments for myself and life and progressive enlightenment for myself. I spoke up for myself, and further more others spoke up as well, ray taught me the proper

I ate ok, some grilled veggies, and also drank water and of course coffee, sent e-mails, called a few old friends, I also am going to do my DPS drivers license soon, and travel soon, and go pick up my pickup truck in Phoenix pending transport.

I have an appointment with a worker and therpsit, and other things. And other things, enrol met at the collage in a few weeks an appointment at the law center, this moring, some other lady stood up as I did in fear, the board meeting and we will do something about it, amazingly the group as sq whole or at least today doesn't feel unsafe, but about 1/.3 or us do.

Not to focus on that, but the group does agree each day he is drinking in the meeting, and carrying multiple cornfield weapons needs to be addressed and asked to leave, one day at a time. Seems to be the consensus, now he feels I am “working against him for the police” I fear for my safety, now I am in the postisit others put me i9n, but I am being assertive and confidant which I did not before, I used to be a drunk, paranoid, homophobic, trans-phobic, cold heated bitch, and that is changing one day at time 9 months 14 days later, it works!

Furthermore, I am making progress and becoming more secure withmyself without drinking, or abusing drugs similar to Barry bonds, one of san Francisco's shame, who disappeared form AT&T park like a Mafia style hit, without a trace.

Eyes with out a face, but I have voice, I slept well and took a shower and worked my program and took good care of myself, and continue to progress in my program and working my life.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

9 months and 1 day at time ( I kept coming back) It does work if you work it!

4/14/08

The relity of my chapter and meeting discovery, I am a fruad, all of my life from age 5 when I knew about my Gender issues, and sexuallity I knew more about myself, and what i had to discover for my soul and enlightment and peace for myself.

I learned more about my iinterpersonal life, and skills. I have been a lier, cheater and its in my blood my mother had AA tendancys, my father is in AA 21+ years, My mom left my dad due to his drinking. My mothers OCD and resentments for my soul and enlightment for inner peace and spirtuallity

My grandmother and uncle and inaoity have tendancys. I hurt and hurt, and hurt and bleed from the haert, I wonder why me god, I also dont want to get fucked up. LR is correct in me not takeing my trip cross country and dirivng back, this is home even if I dont have home or ever feel at home.

I am so much like my mother, one of the photos I have of her, I also look a lot like her young pretty, but quiet and relaxed. I hurt and hurt, and bleed and bleed. My parents and enlightment for my soul and inner peace hurt badly, I know what I must do even if I didnt do it.

Oddcly enough I got missed and mamed a bit more, I also was told by someone else”dont you wish the city and police would do something with the homeless people” what I ask, you cant do much, the vast majority are chonicle drunks and dug addictis and nut jobs who dont want help or are relapseing.

Its not I think I am better its I think being a transgender lesbin and woman, I need more enlightment I am not better I just dont think I should center my life around being transgender, I want some degree of steleth. I talked to DLG about transpostrintg my truck to phonix, LAX or other points of intrests.

This morning upon awaking I noticed a ford f-150 with Texas Truck plates that has a harris county tax sticker. I also met someone here thats not sober that I used to drink with in various places Chances, Slick Willies, Fitzgerlads, Numbers, Rudyards, The Posion gir, the jet lounge, the engine room, 1415 california all in Houston.

I grew up and got sick and tired of the same old bullshit and insanity with my higher power and own personal ejsus christ, I look very young professional today, I hope to get this job at the department stores down town, maybe long term get to travel again, They are the disctrict office and cover California, Oregaon., Washington state, Texas, New Mexico, Arazona. I have high hopes, dreaps and faith in a higher power.

I also know I need to shut up more, and listen and yo ureach enlightment, I have a cursh as of late, I dont know what it is with irsh girls, russian girls, and euro girls, and also haspanic women. Blah, I have many chruchs but I am not read for such things

The homeless guy who pushed me down the esclatro and ran off in UN plaza, who harasses me, stalks me at various coffee shops aorund church, castro, mission and has groped me on MUNI and BART that was throughn out of our lady of safeway morming meeting who gangs up with he 2 friends, I am not going to be intimited.

I also have more and more for my soul, and enligitenment and inner peacer and spiruality, the faithful fools was ewnjoyable more recently. I also resisited temptation and shed tears of inssanity, anger, resentment ,a d lonelyness and resentment to self, based on actions in my dealings with indidualvisl, support groups, the GLBT community and expeccailly the Houston Transgender community.

I hurt and hurt and am sick and tired, I am still 27 years young, and in good health, some of my health issues are I am blemica and anroxnic at times, I have to force myself to eat sometimes, I cryed so hard yesterday. I also blled tears of lonelyness, resentment, pain and suffering.

I have not been geitng enough joy and lesaure, the skin peeling on my face worrys be dearly, they ruled out HIV again <>

I also enclose more about my enlightment for my self, and know more who I am as an indvivudal, and peace. I am very at peace with my soul, and inner womanhood.; Luanna is right the trip is a bad Idea, I need some r&r and rest a movie might be in order today.

I admit I am scared shitless, I would rather die, than drink or go back to my insaity, I wonder about meds and being straight-edge vegan lifestyle. I wonder if a psyc dr pescribes it is it wrong, If i need it to live a normal productive life, they are tyring to adjust things and get me help. I do ok with my PTSD with good biofeedback and medation.\

I had a discharge from my chest a bit today, and my back hurts, my body hurts, its burr cold, and the interview and work might be well rewarded. I also know an SRO, residance hotel, or otjher things despie being down on my luck, the economy being hard, I ams till somewhat more conseroitve given my upbringing.

Furthermore, I miss the Church of Jesus Christ, of Latter Day Saints. I miss the feelwship, I made an attempt to contact the bishiop and more, I keep reacing further rnlightment for my soul and innner peace.

Myself, I had good nights sleep and rested well last night, I am awake I ate some (gasp) junk food today and meat, given when I was a young 20s club girl, I got addicted to jack in the box tacos, and well yum for 99 cents and a diet coke thats entertainment and creams my yummy button.

The relaity of my interpersonal development and innet personal peace for my self, and what I need to further development of the interpersonal reality and self- awakeing foi myself anmd enlightment for my life and what I need to develop for my self and enlightment.

The further chapter to my own conseritve views, and indpeance and lack of comfot both physcall and mental and my enlightment for my soul, and enteratin ment for myselof and inner peace.

I had the degenratioin of society and what, i need for myself, the disgusting idots who reak of booze, and can not keep up with my intlect, I am to prety and smart to settle for less, or I would rather die alone.

Given the uncertainity of mylife, and fuiture, and the constant struggle with depression, PTSD (post trumatic stress disroder) and Sucide. I hurt, I hurt knwoing what I had a friend, a job, and a futre flushed down the toilet. I dont know whats wrong, or how to stop, I just know how to get rhough today, one day at a time.

I want more for myself, and enlightment for my inner peace and work for myself, I updated the web server a bit today, and plan to rest after the interview and life and future for myslef, I get sidetracked.

I am scared, lonely, tired, unry andf sick and a stubborn suck up barbie, and Lowered the bottom to humble myself and remember the past, look though today, and work hard for a proud, productive, sucessful rebirth;

I am scared of life and lviing, and being alive , but also am greaftul for my soberity, life, fuutre, beauty and brains.

The other factor of myself and working toward a brighter and better future is well, life and life it self, is good for the most part, it just takes time, one day at time. I keep coming back.

I am me, leemcg and need fun, rest and also some work and play, maybe I should reward myself, and stick things out I was in two fedrial disaster countys and zip codes, I have other things the womens shelter, friends and other things work well, I stick it out for better or worse, keeping faithful for a future or possible future, I want it all or nothing, i want life and enlightment for myself, and what i need for me.

I am ashamed of my past, my friends and familys trans-phobia. I hrut and suffered for years, I tried to be someone I wasnt I dont know anymore, I hagve to rebrith and also in recovery of my drinking problem, I have 9 months and 1 day sober, and thtas something to be fucking proud of myself, pat myself on the back, kick off my shoes and relax, be good for me for once.\

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

One day at time, progress not prefection

4/13/08

Today 9 months ago I stumbled into the rooms at LAMBA center not far from where I took my frist drink and went from AL-anon to AA in ealry 2006. and quit of my soberity date of friday july, 13^th 2007, My life had its ups and downs.

I attended a good meeting this morning and had breakfast. I slept ok a bit late, my body and health is in not that good shape, Im afraid of dieing, not as much death but not knowing whats wrong with me physcally.I am afraid, of not being in control or having knowlage.

I came to San Francisco, on Jan 6^th 2008 with high hopes a fresh start and dreams and have started to live the calfiornia dream, I am insecure and hurting, because of transgressions and refusal to admit defeat in Houston., I also picked up some co-dependants, by raseing the bottom, and learned more even though I know nothing. Even though other than myself the meeting was a bit dead, the 5 folks there (myself conuted) it was one of the best meetings I have been two all week, in addaion to our lady of safeway morning meeting where most folks there have their own personal jesus, and a few queer LDS Folk who I find mildly amusing.

It stinks to some level to be in the under 35 crowd and be staight edge and sober. But I have something most folks in my age range dont, peace, love, enlightment and grattudie and faith in a higher power as I understand her and my godess and own personal jesus.

Speaking to the LDS missioanrys here about the biship my faith and wanting to estbalhs a relatshionip with the bishop and talk on the phone, and concuidering rejoining the church despite my views and transgressions and possible excommcation. I just want to talk and be friendly.

I dont know what I belive anymore, and refuse to accept and put power over to orgnsited relgion, but I am more open to it. I am more willing to talk and concider it.

I still feel weak, I slept well, had a wonderful shower and walked a bit and rode muni to my destnation and reached further enlightment for my soul and peace for myself.

I loved more for who I am as an indidviudal and my inner peace I find more about myself, and learn more day to day. I spoke to AC and CEQ and PMG and DLG, I did laundry, I might go to church. I might rest, I might finish installing V-Builltan on my webserver its uploaded and I have to do some configuration details. I also am concdering using another server with leemcg.com for some of the databases and apps I am working on and miroor and collebation sutes in the backround on other Ips and hidden logins and some public for resocures and various groups mailing lists and things like majordomo and listservs on my server.

My site in one year gets 2000-3000 hits a month thats progress and the wow factor. I know more eveyrhting I think I know is wrong, I got side tracked and well Know I am loved in San Francsico, Houston and New Orleans even if I am a bit quiet and hermit much as my mother.

I love more about myself. And know more who I am as an indidvudal I know more about myself, my faith in a higher power and god of my understaning for my soul, peace and love.

I know I am vbeing alone and iuts not a good thing, I just am afraid and need time to sort things out in my own way (sober) and Ill come back, I applied for more things and got more done, its the dizzyness, and confusion andf passing out from fatigure, and low bloodpressure, my docoter gave me some diet tips, and health and fitness and more waring signs, and told me to avoid stress and anger.

I must reamin dispalp0ined both in aa, my financal life, personal life, collage life, work life, starting over, and doing whats right. I am addcited even before I become an aa, My grandmother na duncle have addictive traits and personallitys.

From pack Rating, to food, to being a right wing nut job, we are all addits in our own way.

I know I am vbeing alone and iuts not a good thing, I just am afraid and need time to sort things out in my own way (sober) and Ill come back, I applied for more things and got more done, its the dizzyness, and confusion andf passing out from fatigure, and low bloodpressure, my docoter gave me some diet tips, and health and fitness and more waring signs, and told me to avoid stress and anger.

I must reamin dispalp0ined both in aa, my financal life, personal life, collage life, work life, starting over, and doing whats right. I am addcited even before I become an aa, My grandmother na duncle have addictive traits and personallitys.

From pack Rating, to food, to being a right wing nut job, we are all addits in our own way. I just am dizzy, confused and lighead, but focused sober and fatth restroed (Not LDS) but pro\gress not pefection and the godess as I understand her keeps on ticking one day at a time.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/12/08

The reality of myself, I picked more about my soul and inner peace. I picked up new maps, took care of a few legal, banking and matters for the summer session at collage. I hurt badly, My body does ache, its bloody hot today.

I also took a trip and pondered a few other things, I feel like life is well a mixed bag of sorts inbetween up and down. I know what I want out off life, and in typical lee mannerism I will go to any matter or means to achive it all or nothing sort of like vegas baby.

Spoke to FN today about life CP did not sell the house in Cypress recently and more

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger