Thursday, September 25, 2008
Had a semi productive day, defragged the servers HDD, and did some routine naissance on my system. Continued to grow as an individual met someone special this morning, as well. Attended High noon today, went out a bit, have some employment things to do for clair.
Also might have a very very good lead on a place in the east bay which makes me very happy given its Berkeley as well. Or south Berkeley near the pacific center which is a double woot,
Furthermore, and sadly My grandmother was taken off the venletor today, and slowly quit breathing, as her body shut down. I miss her, dearly, but know shes looking after me above.
Furthermore, I wonder if she was in an in-between state. As I was on January 26, 2007 when I had a spiritual experience. Moreover, made changes in my life, and self-reformed my life.
I also could have ousted someone today, but didn’t. I also am going to attempt to converse with an individual whom I think should stand up for herself in more of a degree, but learned enjoying the séance is more progressive to Trans-Phobia sometimes, not every battle should be won.
Nor, is every battle worth fighting for, even if its hate.
I as of late struggle to get and let go of my inner terror, and demons and trauma. I also wonder if I will ever have a live and be secure again, I have a plan for some spirituality in my self today, perhaps I could be productive for myself.
Ive been locking individuals out, and being alone, and that’s just not cool. But I can’t have fun or enjoyment, I feel empty, lost and meaningless.
Gratitude List
1.)I am grateful for to be able to work on coping with pain and loss of my grandmother
2.) I am grateful to be sober
3.) I am grateful for clothing, shelter, and food
4.) I am grateful to have made amends with my grandmother before she died
5.) I am grateful to have reached out back to Houston or attempted to.
6.) I am grateful to have family, friends in San Francisco, Houston, Dallas, Austin, New Orleans, Berkeley, and Oakland whom care about me.
7.)I am grateful to attempt to overcome past trauma, and transgressions
Accountbality
1.) Mail
2.) Applications
3.) Meetings
4.) Greif
5.) Spiritualiy
6.) Application and security for inner self
7.) Job hunting, and follow-ups
8.) Morning
9.)
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
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Showing posts with label bitch. feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bitch. feelings. Show all posts
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
July 25, 2008
Lately in working with my wonderful sponsor, and support in my program. I discovered that I lashed out at my father, I may have made him so unwelcome about me. I hurt him because; I well resent him but my mother more.
I grow tired of bickering with Pat about my father and mothers differences and fear I lost him, I worked my 4th step with him perhaps I should invote him to conceling at the pacific center, he is my closest living relative and I do want to know him, which I really don’t.
I am going to Oakland today for a doctor’s appointment than a doctor’s appointment in Berkeley and to check out some other issues and things. I also am composing some documents and have files to print later.
I spoke to JJ recently he is OTR headed to Houston hauling a load for freight, he will be back in home in Portland soon, BWM is in St Paul I think now, I soon have my DMV issues to iron out, and a few other matters, I also am aiming to get my pickup truck trans-ported to san Francisco, and possibliy6 attend the Affirmation conference in Los Angeles in September, doing the boot scooting bogie.
I drove recently a mini cooper across the bay bridge and have a few other affairs to iron out as well. I spoke to a relative on a few other matters.
Talked to Valire about issues, and continue to grow into enlighten for myself, I also try to find a mentor. Around September 2008 or October 2008 I should have my 4x4 pickup truck here in San Francisco which will fucking rock.
I still don’t plan to drive much or keep my truck in the city, I have other arrangements I worked out in other counties, the bus ride on AC transit today the driver was a jerk he made a nasty comment about me being a dyke and transgender and I made a nasty comment back, I remember him he was the jerk 2 years ago who did that, the nice butch lady with glasses was not on the bus line today. He also was rude and unhelpful with directions to an out-of-towner.
I talked to CUAV about my issues, I dis trust the San Francisco Police Commission and The San Francisco Human rights commission and plan to have a unbiased 3rd party on my behalf, as a lesion to myself.
Furthermore, I have the law clinic next week at the TG law center with Ben, which should be helpful. I the name change went uncontested.
I paid another debtor recently and have taken further steps to restore my good name; I also shall get the insurance as well soon. I talked to an individual who was ex-commutated from the brays bayou ward in the 1990s for homosexuality and another in 1980s, I also met a few individuals in Castro who were Mormons.
I search for meaning, and understanding and don’t know what I belief, core values, or even what the fuck I want out of life for all to long have been around others ideals, after the electros sit today, I also have to go to the support group and the meeting. I have more tonight to achieve as well.
I also will be passing by people’s park famous site of the shooting of UC Berkeley students during a CHP “siege” of the park and riot in may 1969 that also earned former actor turned future president and donator (1969 California) Ronald Regan the nickname Ronald Ray-GUN!
I also talked to relatives today, about my health issues where are well, I am right now near the huge hill in Oakland which the wildfires were contained in 1991 many years ago. Also the site of where some childhood memories of my mother.
I don’t want my father or myself to lose each other over some egocentric power trip or the fact of my resentments toward myself, my mother and him. I was wrong, and crossed the line and admitted that to my sponsor, the 4th step is a fucking bitch, and like me also.
I also crossed the line with Christen Williams, Lilly Roddy, Phyllis Frye, Lambda Center, My father Martin Clark Gaetjens and the AC Transit Bus Driver today as well.
I hurt badly in my soul, burns with rage and anger. And misreay, I don’t want that I want some degress of sanity, I even more recently had to drift away from some individuals who mke me uncomfortable in meetings. One whom I feel stalks me somewhat per say.
I overreacted this morning I thought mike was in the meeting, and was wrong he is 86ed until further notice. Some folks on Castro street get un “86”ed from the Castro Country Club for “69”ing the manager (bad joke and totally untrue) and very serotypes.
Have to remember to pcik up some items at the store before barting back into the city, I also might take care of a few other matters as well, before that.
The reality of what I need to do for myself, life and my future is clear, just in the moment, called my sponsor today to work on some pressing issues for myself, life and future and fear of the unkown for myself, life and lack there of.
I found my own personal fucking jesus christ
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Lately in working with my wonderful sponsor, and support in my program. I discovered that I lashed out at my father, I may have made him so unwelcome about me. I hurt him because; I well resent him but my mother more.
I grow tired of bickering with Pat about my father and mothers differences and fear I lost him, I worked my 4th step with him perhaps I should invote him to conceling at the pacific center, he is my closest living relative and I do want to know him, which I really don’t.
I am going to Oakland today for a doctor’s appointment than a doctor’s appointment in Berkeley and to check out some other issues and things. I also am composing some documents and have files to print later.
I spoke to JJ recently he is OTR headed to Houston hauling a load for freight, he will be back in home in Portland soon, BWM is in St Paul I think now, I soon have my DMV issues to iron out, and a few other matters, I also am aiming to get my pickup truck trans-ported to san Francisco, and possibliy6 attend the Affirmation conference in Los Angeles in September, doing the boot scooting bogie.
I drove recently a mini cooper across the bay bridge and have a few other affairs to iron out as well. I spoke to a relative on a few other matters.
Talked to Valire about issues, and continue to grow into enlighten for myself, I also try to find a mentor. Around September 2008 or October 2008 I should have my 4x4 pickup truck here in San Francisco which will fucking rock.
I still don’t plan to drive much or keep my truck in the city, I have other arrangements I worked out in other counties, the bus ride on AC transit today the driver was a jerk he made a nasty comment about me being a dyke and transgender and I made a nasty comment back, I remember him he was the jerk 2 years ago who did that, the nice butch lady with glasses was not on the bus line today. He also was rude and unhelpful with directions to an out-of-towner.
I talked to CUAV about my issues, I dis trust the San Francisco Police Commission and The San Francisco Human rights commission and plan to have a unbiased 3rd party on my behalf, as a lesion to myself.
Furthermore, I have the law clinic next week at the TG law center with Ben, which should be helpful. I the name change went uncontested.
I paid another debtor recently and have taken further steps to restore my good name; I also shall get the insurance as well soon. I talked to an individual who was ex-commutated from the brays bayou ward in the 1990s for homosexuality and another in 1980s, I also met a few individuals in Castro who were Mormons.
I search for meaning, and understanding and don’t know what I belief, core values, or even what the fuck I want out of life for all to long have been around others ideals, after the electros sit today, I also have to go to the support group and the meeting. I have more tonight to achieve as well.
I also will be passing by people’s park famous site of the shooting of UC Berkeley students during a CHP “siege” of the park and riot in may 1969 that also earned former actor turned future president and donator (1969 California) Ronald Regan the nickname Ronald Ray-GUN!
I also talked to relatives today, about my health issues where are well, I am right now near the huge hill in Oakland which the wildfires were contained in 1991 many years ago. Also the site of where some childhood memories of my mother.
I don’t want my father or myself to lose each other over some egocentric power trip or the fact of my resentments toward myself, my mother and him. I was wrong, and crossed the line and admitted that to my sponsor, the 4th step is a fucking bitch, and like me also.
I also crossed the line with Christen Williams, Lilly Roddy, Phyllis Frye, Lambda Center, My father Martin Clark Gaetjens and the AC Transit Bus Driver today as well.
I hurt badly in my soul, burns with rage and anger. And misreay, I don’t want that I want some degress of sanity, I even more recently had to drift away from some individuals who mke me uncomfortable in meetings. One whom I feel stalks me somewhat per say.
I overreacted this morning I thought mike was in the meeting, and was wrong he is 86ed until further notice. Some folks on Castro street get un “86”ed from the Castro Country Club for “69”ing the manager (bad joke and totally untrue) and very serotypes.
Have to remember to pcik up some items at the store before barting back into the city, I also might take care of a few other matters as well, before that.
The reality of what I need to do for myself, life and my future is clear, just in the moment, called my sponsor today to work on some pressing issues for myself, life and future and fear of the unkown for myself, life and lack there of.
I found my own personal fucking jesus christ
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Sunday, May 4, 2008
The reality of Life, is not life it self, I found another sponsor, I want the insanity to end, I want recovery, the answer is to recovery is I dont, know. I just know what I dont want, I dont have the answers, but I find them more and more one day at a time, the fear of relpase, is not an option.
I have a somewhat busy upcoming week, I have school matters to deal with and tend to, I have some sinus problems, I feel a bit more recovered, I also need some time to work out my issues, My hair is fixed, and the currls are back again
I picked up some hygine things yesterday at my trip to the walgreens, I also have a meeting on the adgenda this morning, I ate some yougert, and am going on a new diet within reason, as well. I also am going to do more walking again, clearing my throughts in recovery.
I need to back down and stay away, I dont want more resentments and hurt, I also admited I was wrong in what I said to another TG person recently about her, and her drug uses, But I admited over reaction to an addict, I offered a meeting book, she refused, but I made pace, and made ammends, one day at time.
I know CAN be a cold blooded, selfish bitch, and very nasty, mean and minupipulative but at least, I find faut in my defects, I met someone, and I also have a new sponsor, that I feel comfortable with.,
I have some medical things, and therpey apointments this week as well and much more to do, Ive just be so very busy, I am going to turn in early tonight, and get a good workout.
Maybe read and also work on some PHP before going to bed, for the night. I also might work on my INTRANET, on my other server a bit, where I keep my life in order, and have a lot of personal information stored offsite.
I also have other things to work on, I am a bit sick and dizzy, I also figured out where the largest ANTI equity progressive church is located in San Francisco.
I also got a few respnoces from various ads I am running currently, I also composed a few other factors, and letters more recently as well
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Sunday, April 27, 2008
The reality of what I need, is clear. I progress. Yesterday I was able to kick my bitch swtich on in a controled manner, and discuss the issues that were upseting me, I am spening most of the present in lonely solitude, I have some personal matters I need to work out.
I am composeing more for my soul. I know more for my self. I also have some homework for threpy this week on the adgenda, I have more to talk about. I have some resentments to work through. I went to many meetings this week.
I also discussed with friends the truth, I know more about my soul and innser self. Ive been pondering some matters as well. I spoke with other folks more recently about myself, I am determeand more than ever to rebuild my life here, remain here.
I spend time alone due to needing to work out some issues, I have a crush or two as well. But I have utterly high standards. I also have the collage thing to work out, the lost documents, a police report, and a few AA realted manners, it stinks to be called into service, but I like it, love it.
I talked to DLG, PMG, AND other factors, today. I took care of some fincial matters, I had to compose more. For myself. I also see a person who scares me in meeting as much I did others in 2005-early 2006 and onward. My resentments were bad mostly myself, But I am such a selfish bitch I dont want to admit my fault, I ran away sober, doing my geogrpahicl understaning the jounry, hardships I face now build me a good foundation for my contunied soberity, growing and prospering.
I posed a bit on various forums, I occasionly visit everything from Transgender equity, to GLBT rights, to my 4x4 tailgate, and other fourms with network and system admin. I worked more on my SQL, and PHP Database(s) and also updated more code, googles failure is fixed, and also worked more on my Upcoming San Francisoc Transgender Community and Resources, Maybe CW and I are not that much unalike, however discussing with my theprist, i associate my abuse, hate crime, and sexual assult with her, and I lashed out at her.
I have chosen to make arangements for my truck, I also met a few new folks today, but as of late just as my mother was most of her life, and as am I, a hermit, rarely comeing out of her shell, to often I am misunderstood.
I also have to go to the collage this week, and also look at a few places, my finical health has gone downa bit lately, I also took steps to begin repairing my credit, and repay debits, I did some job hunting my resocues and option I have is stil open, I have some closure, I lost my name and gender change documents, recently on MUNI hopefuly they will be rightfuly restored, the prospect of further idenity theft is unsettleing.
I ate ok, today, yesterday I had a yummy salad, and smoothie, I am enjoying the wide range of fruits avialbale in san francisco, and the deverity. I also have been sleeping a bit better. I have some palces I am going to look at in Ingleside, and Tresure Island as well as one or two in Oakland.
My my mother and others are doing, more about myself. And what I need to do for mysoul. I know more for what I need for myself and interpersonal enlightment for my soul. I love more myself, listen more and talk less, and observe the insanity of life, the world and work my program.
I also have an apointment with a socil worker this week for the depression and other issues I am faceing at the womens colnic. I have a makeup and hair apointment and consult, as well as an electro consult, and I have the collage, and also have an apointment with my doc about my HRT, and levaels and further letters and documents for me. I just am burned out and utterly pissed that my papers were left due to being so tired, but I had some really good food friday. I am less of a bitch and my bitch is under wraps.
I love life and enlightment.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
A open letter in Progress but Not Prefection!
The reality of being sober, Progress not perfection.
An e-mail to my geeky, gender queer sponsor.
“I am feeling better, I rested yesterday from 3 pm awoke at 7pm, and slept more, had an interview yesterday, and I also got more sleep, went to the our lady of safeway meeting tbhis morning, I feel better and less of a bitch as I have been lately, Ive been being quiet and listning more, I am sorry for exploeding recently at the country club, I rested good for my soberity and soul and feel better.
I awoke again at 2am and got up and showered at 4am, My back pain went away, and I got must needed sleep and r&r, I have been eating betterr and adherieing to my vegan belifes and following my religous beleiefs and have cut back on dariy, meat, starch, and coffee and tea, soda and junk foods.
I also am still working the 1st steap in paragrpah form.”
Yesterday Recap:
I am takeing better care of myself, and also Called my father to tell him I am sorry about calling his wife nasty names, sometimes I can be a cold hearted bitch, I also talked to a nice security guard downtown, and in conversation outed myself as a former drunk, who didnt drink in meetings and kept comeing back.
We were discussing the politics of San Francisco and Gavin Nustom, and the welfare and homeless issue in San Franccisco, given yeterday afernoon. And using MUNI for school commuters and the bad kids that need a good ass kicking.
Yetserday some rude kids pushed me a bit, and called me something, kids today are nastym, rude and have no manners the world has become a cesspool, and San Francsico whuile as librial as it is, Is an adults playground and not a good place to rase-childrent or have children unless you are very wealthy, live in the suburbs.
Regardless, we also talked more election politics, and I slept and had a good informal interveiw, I also ran into someone from the LDS church that I had not seen in a very long time afterwards.
This WEEK:
I have a counceling apointment and therpey apointment., and other things this week I am very busy. And tired and sleepy. I also burned out more and more and might go down to the university later this week. I also have understood the trip to Louisiana and Texas is NOT A GOOD IDEA, and think of phonix, and AZ or LAX as a place, I also found a auto storage place in South San Francsico not far from the airport (SFO) and The port and cargo plants, I also found places in other things.
God (of my understanding) Bless myself, texas, San Francisco, My Higher power and My own personal Jesus.
I have a wonderful day and life and faith restored.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Saturday, April 12, 2008
The reality of myself, I picked more about my soul and inner peace. I picked up new maps, took care of a few legal, banking and matters for the summer session at collage. I hurt badly, My body does ache, its bloody hot today.
I also took a trip and pondered a few other things, I feel like life is well a mixed bag of sorts inbetween up and down. I know what I want out off life, and in typical lee mannerism I will go to any matter or means to achive it all or nothing sort of like vegas baby.
Spoke to FN today about life CP did not sell the house in Cypress recently and more
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Friday, April 4, 2008
Progress not prefction, one day at a time,
The understanding and enjoyment of my meeting this morning, and considering dropping my current sponsor, for someone who possibly by the grace of a higher power of my understanding as I understand her. I found enloightment, I also bitched out some fuck face, that drops around for coffee, and the bums, who are drunk and smelly and don't have nay respect, pissed me the fuck off, I don't have any respect for people who lie about their soberity.
Maybe I am a cold, hearted, kind, mean, judgmental, selfish bitch, and proud of it. Maybe I am too good for some folks, who the fuck knows maybe I just need to bitch my heart out so I can turn off the bitch switch
I felt better today after the meeting on my inner spirt, I also reached enlightenment for my heart, mind body and soul, I further my development and inner peace for my spirt of my life. I talked to my wonderful therapist, no call from macy's, and other things to follow up for, I also set something up but cant remember or ead my writing in my panner, I've been a nervous wreck the past few weeks.
I also reached further enlightenment of my spirt of my soul, heart mind and body for myself, I know more what I wish I knew long ago. I concubine to be healthy, eat well, work out and do what I must do to remain focused and mentally, physically and emotionally disciplined for my heart, mind body and soul
I also know more of myself and interpersonal skills and life and love itself. I know more of who I am and how I am going to get there, and for that I am truly grateful, I am greatfil for what I do have in my love and keep focused and let go of the past, and put my new life, in progress not perfection with honesty, loyalty, compassion and love and not being overly a bitch, or self-destruivte, and staying sober, I celebrate 9 months in about a week, my sobriety date is Friday July 13, 2007 where I went from an al-anon as a club, bar, binge drinker in dec 2005- jan 2006 and sobered up In Houston, texas.
God bless, Texas but I love San Francisco, i think when I was born I left my heart out here.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Sunday, March 30, 2008
The turth of my life, is what I need to do for enlightment and my inner child and bitch I must keep under lock and key and enlightment, for my soul and life and who I am as a woman. I feel my father poteryed me, and resent him and my mother as well. I called and did some step work but I need some time alone right now to sort things out.
I have a job interview this week downtown in un plaza, at the infomous torust strap shopping centers, I also have an apointment next week at the collage and other factors that are upbringing as well, as uplifting. I also have to make a drs apointment to find out why I am dizzy., church is on the adgenda this morning, I ranv into my friend in the program whom there is a mututial attarction ebttween her and I, but she went back out, she was still wastered as usual during a relapse, I do want to work with her, more for my soul, and reach enlightment for my inner child, and discover more about myself and keep my inner, bitch under control and maintain a inner balance for my inner child.
I also have some laundry to do tommroow, as well as work out some logisitcs and rest today, after all it is the sabith day or sorts. I talked to RAP some yesterday, I also went running down to the marina district from market street in about an hour and back, I got a good workout, My back is hurting, and but fitness is importint to my soberity,. I went to a ealry moring meeting this morning at 1st place, I also reached further elightment.
I was hit on again this morning more, and reached more enlightmnet for my soul and inner child, for my inner peace for my soul and reaching enlightment for my soul and discovered more about my self, and inner child.
The truth is the enlightment I felt for my life and reached my inner child for my soul and inner peace, keeping my anger, desire, and resentment at bay and maintaing metanl, physcuial, emotional and balance and disipline. I am greatful to be here, but I know I am just in light with the dunk and fallen souls who perrished and continue to drink, and abuse and use on the streets and skid row of san francisco.
I came here for a fresh start, high hopes and roughing it for enlightment and inner peace where no one would be so overjudmental, my hurt and pain, simualr to chirstans awakeing, and my resenement toward her, yesterday at the early morning meating at “our lady of safeway” we red one of my favorituv chapters in the big book “for employers” it makes me feel well understood in my heart, mind, body and soul.
This morning I witnessed a disgusting unlady like transgender, use the ladys room like a man, that makes it harder for true transexuals, intersexed, and transgenders to make it, maybe I am just being to true to myself a real bitch. But at least as long as I keep my bitchness under wraps, disipline, and control I can keep my own personal jesus in order to reach enlightment, for my soul and inner child. I know more what I know now, the Bitch must stop.
Myself, personally I discovered more about my soul, and inner bitch more and more, as I reach enlightmnet for my soul. I dsicover more about myself, and innder child and woman within.
I need to lsiten, more talk less, ponder, pray and be more alantical and speek when the moment is right, and shut up otherwise. I get it intlectually, but have trouble applying, it as sheryal crow would say I change would do you good, which in this matter is correct.
I have some parts of my site I need to rework, I also have another blog I am developing that is for my road trips and adventures, in my pick em' up truck. And a few other factors. I hurt, and hurt so bad, and dream of not hurting anymore, I want more and more to reach enlighment, and my inner child. I dont know anymore, except that I want life, I want to choose life, I want something more or I think I do anyway, I am tried and sick and tired of hurting again and again.
Folks are wrong, and mean and rude, I also hurt more and more for my soul, and reached enlighment for my inner child I want more about my soul in to something I dont understand, I miss my friends, I feel so alone and icolated, But I have fellowship in the meetings, Most folks I found dont have any hope, I try to keep my hopes up for enlightment, I run on, day to day.
I also want more for my soul, and reahing, maybe I dont allways work my program as well as I should or allow myself to, I need to push myself more to reach enlightment for my soul, and inner child. I want to let go more, and more, as billy idol would say I want more, more more, with a rebel yell. I hurt more and more.
Maybe I just want to say, I get it , sort of one day at a time, lviing in the moment, being powerless over other people, places, and things and most defentaly drinking, and remering hungry angry, tired, lonely. I admit I am afraid scared shitless, that I will wind up as garbage on the cesspool of skid row of san francscio, thats why I go to meetings daily, to keep from getting the Fuck Its. I am tried and sick and fucking tired of drinking, not drinking and hurting more and more. I had to make a great deal of scracfice to make sure I get it, its the adult thing to do.
I took responcibilly and acountablity forn my actions, maybe I obtained some co-depedancy as of late, I need to get my ashe in 3rd gear and overdive and superchage myself to success, some friends, aqwqunces dug me out ot the rut of a shithole. But I know the truth of my life and enlightment.
The truth is I know what and who I am as an indivdual for my soul, and inner peace. I had a spirtual experacne meeting my friend again, IO hope she stays sober and clean and stays on the path to enlightment and find innder peace as I have.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Monday, March 24, 2008
Modeling, work, collage and life in the california dream of reality
location- san Francisco, ca
music: Led Zeppelin – Living loving Maid
The truth of who I am is what and where I went, and my chapter to my own gnosticism, I have renewed faith in my own personal jesus and enlightenment, I figured out why I was so bitchy the past few weeks, the HRT and the mood swings and the fact I was not eating as well as I should have been.
I had a busy week, and pushed myself to hard, to reach enlightenment and inner peace, with my inner child and enlightenment for myself and inner child. I have some gratitude this morning, I am grateful to be clean & sober, to have had my spiritual awakening and to talk to my therapist, friends, and mentors and family about my sins against other transgenders and dark past in Houston. I also doing more.
Personal San Francisco, is not for the faint of heart, its a cut throat, overpriced city and its wrong and bad, I hurt badly knowing I must do what I must do to reach enlightenment and inner peace with my inner child, and my interpersonal skills and enlightenment for my soul, and inner child.
Today I have to go to the doctors office, bank, financial company, legal , and some apartments, and meet a friend for coffee later, I also want more for myself, and to archive more for that, I also know more, for myself, I miss a lot of my friends and what I once had, most folks in this city donut have any self-respect, or smarts they sit around and bitch and complain all day and do nothing, It humbles me, someone asked me how do you put up with your friend and shelter bunk neighborer from hell, no one wants it.
I deal with it being humble, caring and compassionate. I know how to do it, I am smart, sexy and like independence, for myself, and enlightenment for my soul. I reach what I have went to fast and didn't polka any balance for myself and soul, I know what and who I am, and how to get there, on day at a time, one meeting at a time, I make a difference in my life, I also have to take care of a few other things also currently as well, I have more for enlightenment.
I also know of myself, my change in life, who I am I spent most of my life depressed, nu-happy and general at odds with myself, I suffered but didn't know much about gender issues or myself till I was older, HJM caused some repression in that he could be very arrogant for ourself and what I am as an Individual and person , I also know more for myself and what I want for myself and enlightenment for my soul, and what and who I am as an individual for myself and my life. Working in substance abuse counsellings or nursing or working with homeless, drug addicts maybe even as a social worker is not out of the question, but my heart is in activism, and lobbyist and journalism, and IT, new media web media and wiring and the arts fascinates me.
Maybe its in my blood, for myself, I know more for myself and who I am as a person, I have utterly high standards, relationships, and things are on the backbunrer, with the economy in shambles, the best time to go back to school is now. I am greatfil to be sober in my enlightenment for myself and who I am as an individual. I look forward to my flight, and trip before school, I might do e-classes and on my drive back attend the burring man fest, I have no need to enter Texas, and given my feuds with CW its best if I back down, I all was wanted to got through the mountains and other factors and its my plan for myself and true self and enlightenment, I moved on with a chapter to my own gnosticism and faith and higher power.
I have 4 months roughly until my flight and enlightenment so I should do it, I might stay in NOLA with my folks for a few weeks, even do some shopping before going back home to san Francisco, and get extra meds for my trip. I might bypass bruting man for my trip, and just drive back over lake Tahoe which should not be frozen over with global warming, and hopefully oil and fuel prices and the economy will turn around.
I also will be hypocritical of green driving my gas guzzling 4x4 tailgate, but will be a redneck woman, (joke) But I move on into enlightenment, peace and my higher power and myself, for my soul and faith. I know more of myself and know who I am as an individual for myself and where I want to go as a person.
Needing more for myself, and reaching more in my soul, I go into progress not perfection for inner peace into my soul, and find more peace, into myself I find more about who I am as an individual and person. Which I move forward into inner-peace and enlightenment for my soul.
I also know more of my soul, and peace for myself. I know who I am as a person and reach enlightenment and keep alone given like the lone star state, I stand alone into enlightenment and inner peace for my soul. I have some plans and have looked and considered moving to gesture island or down to ingleside close to collage with 10 other roommates ina house and have prospects.
Treasure island doesn't have much for enlightment, no gas station or much stores but is a easy commute, and the risk of destruction and sinking in an earthquake is very surreal, given it was built as a military base with fill, Ingleside is convenient but would be burdened with no meetings in the area, or have to drive to daily city and pureeing a 75 dollar a year parking permit unless the place had a driveway. But could walk to school.
I also have more for myself and soul of what I must do, I might go to the womens group this morning but have other priority's at the present. I hurt knowing I spent my life working and being someone I am not, I honestly was depressed, I am a neat freak, somethings don't die, you can take the country away from the girl, but you cant take the courtly out of the girls heart.
Personally I am utterly disappointed even as lib rial as I am, I think all these fucked up loaded, wasted folks, in shelters, sros, or on the streets need to get hustled, California needs to crack down on crime, and drugs. I am pro incasrian, and commitment, and for sobriety, you cant detox, or plea someone out who doest want to change. I wanted to change, I cleaned up the old fashioned way, at home in bed, with the shakes and jitter s and went to a meeting a day and didn't drink inbwteen them. I kept enlightenment I don't think there is any other way than THE old-fashioned way like bill Wilson did.
I think that folks who cant change don't want to change, it creeps me out not having a huge paper like the Houston chronicle the san Francisco chronicle is much well different, I love reading about other papers occasionally also. Its s small city where even if you work in social work, or treatment or activism you know everyone even folks in aa, aa is small and everyone knows everyone or someone slightly. Being miss Aaand the gossip and drama queen I am, I don't gossip and burn bridges or back stab friends or abuse friendships or cross over ethical, moral, and culture boudnries.
However I like power, money, control, and invariance and being from an AL-anon to an AA and a binge, bar, club drinker. And being lectured on the dangers of the AA, I am greatfil for the spsirtual near death experance I had when I got my ass kicked and tazered, I am glad and sad and rsentful; for my deailings with HACS, chirstan williams, lilly reilly, phillis fry and the houston police depaarmtent various secruty and guard compaanys and other factors.
I was wrong for my dealings with myself and felllow indidvidual, and the enlightment for myself and who I want, for I am and where I want to go, I know for myself , and look forward to fireing up my pickup truck maybe Ill go back to doing a paper route, or as a messenger even in oakland or bekeyel before school, or maybe downtown san francisco, you get a good workout, and I like working hard, and running and fitness, Im after all a soft stud and dont mind getting dirty, and rough but im cute sexy and not a man hater, I love being a woman and reahcing enlightment, I love myself and being pretty but dont mind butching it out or being rough or getting dity, even thouigh I am stuck a bit and I know more of myself and where I want to go for myself and enlightment for my achivements of my soul and richs.
Enlightment for some of what I did, and where I went into my life, I made progress not prefection and reached enlightment, for myself and life. Maybe even medical transposrt with a CPNC and passeneger endocrement CDL might not be so bad, given my prior backround in trucking and transportation, retail and warehousng and recveing, I dont want that, I want somethintg quit and predictable, and have higher standards, and dont get mixed up, I also while I like some of my friends and aquances, I miss brandi to some degree even though she freaked me a out and WHAT I expected, I hope she calls me, I was sick again and ate well this moring, but I am still sober, and she really is a good person, and Ill pass it down, I havent found anyone with potentional, or have to work on myself, maybe its why I want nurseing and progress not prefection and enlightment for my soul and inner child, and have gained control of my bitch switch is off and keep my inner bitch under conroil and keep her on a leash.
I also know more of myself and inner child and peace for myself and enlightment for my soul and pride progress and not prefection., I reach inner peace for my soul and life and enlightment for my soul. I know what I am and where I want to go in life, reaching progress not prefection.
I also like to eat healthy, am a neat freak, am chartibel, but put myself first, I belive ina god of my understanding and reach enlightment for my soul and life, I know more for myself and where I want to go in life. In want the house in the city or become a subrubainte, a pareter kids, big dog, or maybe a 5th wheel, f350 or truck camper and boat and land in montana or whyoming and telecommucte as a full time rv er and also have a pad at a rv resort up north in the hills.
I want adventure, and action, I love whyoming, and montana given its close proxmamity to montanta, I love th cool cold, I love big dieself trucks, 4x4m the snow and ice, and IT is a rewarding prefession, I love indpecdance, freedom, and ciil libeiretys and its liberiating for myself and enlightment and breaking free of the cycle.,of self-hate, self-denidal, and reaching my trueself. And who I am as a indivudial , and who I am as a person and as a person into enlighment, for who I am as a person, as a indidvudla for myself and raching such I rwach more
I also know more, for what I am going to do for myself and enlightment for maybe and whgat I am as a person and indivudla for enlightment in my inner chid, I know more my soul reachs progress and not prefection. I am risking my health with my present suituion, but I reamin clean sober and postive outlook on life, delaing with my issues, hate crime, abuse and self-hate, self-iminage and insecuritys, and distance from my family, I go home briefly in a few moths potentionaly and I must further admit defeat and ask for help, and I shall tommrow (tueday) afternoon seeking management and other resouces for myself, so it works well, and right,
I am going to admit being powerless and keep in touch, It hurts me seeing all the transgenders, women and other folks messed up feeling sorry for themselves on drugs, drinking or reltsionhips, if you are down on your luck then last thing you need is co-depenacy. Geeze so fucking idiots in these shelters, I dont get mixed up in the drmma, and am a strong woman, tough as nails and cute, smart and that scares some folks.
But I know what I want out of life, and who I am, It also hurts me seeing trans-youth, I have a resentment I pointed someone in the right direction and while wrong in my chapter to my own gnosticism and enlightment, I cant hold your hand, you have to do what you do. Which is why I am pro clenaing up this city, lock their assn up texas, style keep the serves, maybe they will humble, or go to prriosn, folks need to held accoutnbale for their actions this far-left socislist lirbal buill shit, even as an indedpedance who is a movre of a libertain, and green and moderate indpednat swing foter who useuly votes democart form a few years ago, I was 350 lbs a right wing nut job, and relgious freak bible thumper and unhappy with my life. I have beocme close to jesus and god as my own higher power, religious has not progressed much and learned more abut myself with enlightment for my soul and inner child and what I need to do for myself and where I need to go
I know who and what I am as an Indvidual, and who I am and where I want to go today and in Life and for that and the road and adventure ahead into further enlightment, zen and soberity I find inner peace, and thats something to be truly greatful for!
I also in april or may have a modeling, photoshoot gig for a genderqueer, transgender photo shoot (not porn) Ill see what I like it and I get free clothes and makeup and a copy of the poltforilia and lunch, so its not a bad deal, I also get to start collage and things, and network with those in jorunialm and media, my area of intersts and actvism, and keeping my self mentaly and physcial displained something lately Ive been overachiveing, and a bti bitchy and moody, anyway I also need to be more careful what I blog and post and share about, progress not prefection one day at a time.
I also might go back to working as a messenger, caterer or pizza driver again, while in school, or do delivery work or deliver news papers, I have much to archive maybe even grocery receiving, safe way is glbt and as a subsidiary or rand alls / tom thumb has Trans inv;lcvie polices plus in calfironia and sfo they have protections not to mention trans-phobia doesn't exsiti its more closeted andx behind your back and well less existing, and for the most part, I donut do things to upset it, and remain calm honest, and loyal, I need a meeting today and have one I plan to attend today that is my agenda this afternoon, after I make some banking matters and other issues, I have much to do for my program in addition to picking up somethings, Saturday I also went through 3 months more worth of junk mail, bills, and magazines and activism stuff and research that built up.
I also am remaining calm, good and well focused I talked to sonny today.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Life brutal honesty and what goes around comes around
Called my sponsor promised Id go to a meeting today. Had a wonderful therapy session, My stalked was verbally threating, implied she would get a firearm though a mailbox place or fed ex, illegally What goes around comes around, I told my sponsor and a few friends about it, and met a few folks. I am afraid to go to law enforcement, there is this nice Dyke cop thats older and a supervisor thats really good to GLBT folks next time we bump paths I might discuss it a bit with her as to how to proceed.
I also had a wonderful therapy session, my stalker and abuser feels Like I am a yuppie and think I am better than her, and blah blah blah. I just want a better life than I had been living. I donut like Trans genders or dislike them, I feel we need unity and equity and the whole trans gender movement is wrong, which to some degree we have in san Francisco, even though there is a little Trans-Phobia and Misinformation.
I also discovered more about myself and life, and amends and being honest of not kowning things I may or may not have done when I was drinking and doing stupid things.
I made a few friends and have commitments. I also want to game and play counterstrike again. I also have been dreaming of other obscure things ideas. I have a wonderful therapist whom I adore and is great and good along the lines with melamine Morrison. And a splendid replacement.
Muni and Bart Police have busted some gropers on the rail and stalkers of women. I also have been groped a few times on Muni. I figured something out recently a odd empty lot thats city owned, It used to be part of the freeway before the 1989 earthquake when part of Octavia and the raised portions in the area of 101 and I-80 was torn down for safety due to the partial collapse and to control traffic on people and dumbfounded tourists wanting to drive and cruse market street.
Urban Exploration rocks, I made a few new friends and well have my walls and defence triggers I need to HALT and go to a meeting, Ive been busy with needless and tiredless projects and been laying low due to my issue with my abuser.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Friday, February 1, 2008
Life and the choice to live in Zen and progress
Today called sonny a bit,and working on myself, called the contact at city collage, my chest and congestion is coming back and that worry me I don't want to get as sick as I was prior and have to go back to the San Francisco County Hospital emergency room.
I talked to DLG today, e-mailed a few folks, and also reinstalled my computer and restored some items from backups, and wrote some code today.
I'm trying to take it easy, my feet blew out, and my chest and sinus problems are coming back that that worry me, talked to my sponsor more recently and relaxed after burn out a bit last night, slept good, and recharged.
Its burr cold outside, and My chest and side is hurting and that worry me. But I am alive, and ok for the moment, and wish others could hear my message into progress, I want others to have what I have. I'm getting older and sick and tired of living a lie, being anti-productive, bitching, complain, being self-destructive, abusive relationships, destroying friendships and having no future and dead ends/
I came here for a fresh start, and its happening slowly but its happening, I'm scared sort of but hanging in there, I admit to being afraid and unsure and fear of the unknown.
Last night just like in the movies that depict California the SFPD or LAPD the cops on patrol 2 in a marked SFPD unit shined their light on me on patrol to look at my face or ask me if everything is ok etc. You don't get hassled by the cops, and have to really do something bad to get busted or arrested.
I think when I fly back I'm going to get my weigh masters certificate at a truck stop outside LA or LAX maybe in the port area due to lower cost for the purpose of registering it in the state of California.
I passed one of the places where one of my favorite moves “The Game” is filmed and refer acned to the cops flashing the light at a lady walking alone at night or with someone, its filmed and set in San Francisco, California. I think I drunk too much coffee yesterday. Maybe thats why I was bitchy and in tears last night and crying myself to sleep and in emotional pain, on my hormones this is a testing time of the month for me anyway.
I also am going to try to make it up the hill to take care of business later and other affairs. Laundry is on the agenda this weekend as is other parts. I have appointments and follow ups next week, and other tasks to handle and to stay out of trouble and temptation and go to meetings, and church on Sunday.
I found a new coffee shop or two I like or admire, with good network and broadband speeds and output like my old fav Taft Street coffee in Houston, Texas though not set in a lib rial church, or non demoniacal bookstore or with a non profit recording studio upstairs. Still groovy. And queer enough for the likening and a hangout of a few other trans women, and also trans men.
San Francisco rocks!
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Life and finding the lost strange little girl moving closer to the Bay
I slept good last night at the shelter, the movie filming about the Milk, and riots and start of the GLBT movement in San Francisco, CA in the late 1970s, I did some extra work for and casting maybe I can be on film and I have much to do for my life, future and family and love.
I talked to MLS and DLG, the nice guy whom I met at connect says my disibilliy could be reinstated, its amazing how laws, regulations vary from state to state. And things are working through the food stamp, and ga worker are reviewing the trust documents with their legal dept.
I have an idea on housing and planing where, to live, they have improved the bart service throughout the night, I have looked a little at parking contracts, lots, and truck storage, I also looked at taxes about 300, plus a drivers lic, fees, and the annual registration might be a little higher than in the lone star state.
My friend might bring some cute shoes tomorrow in 10s, and 11s we will see what we fits. I also got a case management at least temp right, now. And have a contact at city collage, I might be able to get a grant or loan, and go to school and get an A+ certification and study computer science and web design, graphic design, and web application design.
Thats My plan, a lot of the IT and computer company's will pay for SRS with their health plans, apple, IBM, semantic, and even some of the other company's which need engineers, and programmers, mainly women and minority groups (trans genders)
I am getting maimed more, and also folks are kind, and things are happening even slowly, the violence on the streets of San Francisco is rough, I am lasting the harsh winter, the lady who runs the shelter told me the city is keeping the winter shelter open until July which is at (worst case) when my Divisibility with back payment, and housing should fall in, when I will fly to Louisiana and drive my pick em truck back, and other affairs or get it trucked here.
Today I had coffee, sourdough, danish s, an Asian salad, and lots of water, and took a shower at the Trans gender drop in center. Got a therapist, and called my sponsor, and touched base. I also am upcoming in 7 months, sober. And Ive reached a point where the smells, memories, flashbacks, and honesty and caring and passive but firm and assertive and self-aware and accepting is well odd and obscure.
Last night at the Trans gender support meeting and the clinic, I had some Chinese food donated from Chinatown, given a lot of the Trans gender community is Asian here, and funded by the Asian community and other groups no surprise we eat healthy.
I have someone in my life that doesn't have what I have and is a little abusive, but more so. It saddens me to see all these fucked up cracked up, doped up, hopeless, transgender folk. Those who quit caring, the homeless who gave up, the godless, and where I might be now. It humbles you in sobriety but I cant force anyone to want to change or desire to change they have to make that in their heart, and want to change.
My father upon after my arrival was his usual self, denial we had some nasty words, hang up and a lot of yelling. And hes nasty, hes never been there for me (partly for my mothers doing) I don't think he ever wanted kids, or family, or much else. I think he remarried some young Russian gal who needed to become an American, does the whole perfect guy thing wife, kid, maybe he keeps a old photo of me for his lies.
I think he still goes to the ballparks, maybe the OTB, or has some vices even if he sobered up, Hes nothing more than a sperm donor to my mother, he also during some of our heated arguments while in Texas, told me he contacted The Berkeley Police dept, UC Berkeley police dept and had is two friends which are retired FBI agents, if anything ever happens to him he goes missing, he gets hit by a car, falls of a bart platform. I'm going to be the prime suspect, and because his friends are EX-FBI I will never smell the end, of being detaining questioned, searched and Ill have my ass shipped to san quieten.
My father is a jerk, a lier, and thinks not much of me, and wants me to finish what I started here and told me to get the fuck out the bay area. My dad is not any different than O.J. Simpson, a lier, womanizer, con-artist, and dishonest as all 12-steppers are cunts, bitches, and well just selfish. I hope I can make my father pound just as my grandmother, at least my father does call me his daughter.
It would not surprise me if he had a Vasectomy preformed, not to repeat prior (mistakes) anyway the therapist does group and individual therapy here and I might invite (MLS) and offer to let my father attend some sessions, even though I am prepared he wont show up,I think he would be a lier, manipulative, cheat, and bullshit.
I spoke to my sponsor, today and talked to her about some personal, issues, relationships, doubts, and life, love, and fear of the unknown. Monday they have a dinner for us TG folk should be fun, and next Friday is my appointment with my therapist in the Castro which should prove uplifting.
The tigers at the San Francisco zoo, should be released after the security improvements to the tiger and lions. It amazes me they allowed such a open area, the Houston zoo, had more security improvements.
I researched my other options and issues. I talked to Morris with the advocacy office and wanted information about my time spent for my misdo minders, the SFPD Trans gender liaison officer, is doing a class on laws, trans gendered, encounters with the police, and a self defense class should prove interesting.
I might also long term have a lead on an apartment in Oakland, not far from MLS and also from a friend I have that lives out that way a bit. I researched a bit, on bart, on the way to the Oakland wal-mart once where I was going to transfer to many eons ago in a past life.
I also spoke to Nancy B and Carter a bit friends of Bill W, and keeping things going into progress and enlightenment. I see folks with no hope, drive or whatever, it saddens me with the tools here how many TG folk go into prostitution, get HIV+ and do other nasty things, and just abuse them selves, some I feel should not transition have further issues. I became self aware, and accepting at the cost to my personal life, finical security, collage grant, friendships, loved ones, and the Houston TG community and GLBT community as a whole. Fucking up my life.
I sadly even though the severity out here Miss Houston, friends, places, loved ones, those who care, and well yada yada yada.
I met a girl who reminded me of my former neighbor whom I bitched about often, who even though she was wrong sometimes, and used me. (I know I'm a sucker) I saw a young version of her, an exact fucking twin I kid you not. Balh.
I also met twins of various bartenders, sponsors, friends of bill w, lambda center, and other folks I encountered during my path to self-awareness and enlightenment.
I met twins to others and women form Lamba center, Men from Lamba center, met someone at the marina dock, and alano club who has ties to Houston and knows Lamba Center and The Post Oak Club. Wow small world fist meeting at the marina dock, and I run into a meeting where the topic, story and speaker brings up Space City wow, small world on big family of friends of Bill W.
One of the guys who assaulted me had ties to Houston, it goes on and on. I am enjoying the filming of milk and the riots and start of the GLBT movement while keeping my appointments this week, next week and to infinity and beyond, with kindness, charity and life and love I grow to my true inner self, turn the bitch switch off and find inner peace, joy, love, my true self and enlightenment and most of all Happiness and Zen.
The birds here are huge the seagulls, and the pigeons are out of control, its illegal to feed the pigeons in San Francisco, in fact doing such is a Class C Midomonier or ticket misdemeanor with the city of san Francisco penal code.
Its important to notate I will get a back payment, and other issues and affairs I am dealing with while becoming established with the new me, and gaining control of the inner bitch and true self, and the lost strange little girl trapped inside my soul, lost at sea slowly becoming more and more at peace with my self.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Had a amusing day today, took photos out on Galveston island, went to a meeting or two. Have these feelings and emotions and weird things, it was the first time I drove on a freeway, and on hills in a long time. I also had some fuck heads mess with me on 45 near the south sam Houston toll way fuck with me flip me off and say a bunch of obscenity and verbally taunt me, and I walked away from it on my way down there.
I found some sea shells, and part of a coral which amused me, a very hard peace of a reef in the foam and surf side, ate good arrived back in Houston around 2pm, and ate left leftovers from labma, had more meemories of my mother, others and things from the past.
Also remembered more of my life, and grew more, was scared shit less I don't like driving anymore, the freeways and those that drive from Galveston to Houston or from clear lake, weber, frendswood, pearland, league city etc are insane.
I keep my mind busy and jogged around Galveston island and ran around the sea wall and went running. Its better than self-termination or a Remington shotgun to the head, in a abandoned building, or jumping 20 floors to my death and blood splattered over the ground.
I also did not see many or much law enforcement today, on my time on the island, I only saw one Galveston county sheriff on the area. Doing a traffic stop close to the Harris county line (half way) in
I also passed and mucked around Tiki Island a bit. And had to use the 4x4 nice having a Baja Pickup Truck. I want my peace, and love of life and optimism again, and the resentments and insanity to end, self termination inst a option , nor is drinking, I'm not sure.
I think my time is coming in closer and close somewhat of sorts I don't know why, I had a spiritual experience to myself, I had peace I occupied my pain and learned I cant handle change or a road trip or insanity or much else. I don't know what I do not want to be mind fucked.
Maybe admitting defeat to the insanity is good, maybe the end isn't so near, maybe just the beginning But I already Knew that, It scared the shit out me, my neighbor was drinking, I have a nose for a drunk and stupidity
The other factor is I also have more and more and grew myself, I know what I must dod even if I have not done, it I have zen even though its not pleasant I have enlightenment sort of I think one day at a time I go back in time, I remember now and remembered painful, things I don't want to remember but I did, reality is a bitch, so I deal with it, I just don't talk about it, I cope sort of, I have to love myself, live breathe in passion, love and joy again I hope anyway, I hope to live another day in spirit again, I hope to breathe in passion sort of. I'm going to get an eye exam also soon.
I slept good and last night went to a al-at hon at a 24 hour club, and met some young folks under 18 aa members and under 21 who already fucked them selves up and had some juvenile probation and Juvenile Department of corrections kids there.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Monday, December 10, 2007
Talked to mealine today, had a productive day. I love myself and feel very good and confiantr about myself today. And dont want the action and adventure today. Have some tasks to finish later this week. And had success.
Im toughing it out, and accepting the concequences of my actions, the pain hurts, talked so someone else. The hollidays suck, went grocery shopping for a craveing this weekend. Ate a whole bag of the korger sour cream and onion potato chips, and green onion kroger brand dip than ran and a ¼ of diet coke that ran it off, to deak with the pain and watch my weight.
Also have a plan for later tonight for a applacation for doing some airline work, I miss traveling on the open road, with adventure and such. A short or regional haul thorugh semi-rual houston texas outside the gird lock might be fun or mildly amuseing
Went to the post office, some documents showed up others did not. My policy and documents also arrived. I know my website was used against me in a civil ligation and other matters as my blog. Blah.
I also grow tired of someone not getting the message of my bounderies and respecting me my needs, wants and desires one day at a time. Austin might be where I start over before doing my excursion to my birthplace of Oakland, CA and the Bay Area.
I miss my folks but Im not going home this season, is for pondering medation, fitness and thought and self-reflection and growth.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Today visted the monks corner cafe and wireless amuseing down the street from the last concert cafe. http://www.monkscorner.net/
a buddist hippie spot.
Intresting obscure and odd and well weird. I want to be pretty, being ugly and agron and hurting and fear of being lost into the gutter slime and poverty and left for trash in the big city scares me dearly. I fear being alone lost and left in the cesspoll of montrose, east end or the hoods and slums of houston. soberity is above all , number to is transiton, three is going back to work and school.
I want to be a pretty sexy girl, this agro stuff, I hate myself I am sad ofen due to this. I will post a review to this new estbalshment here soon enough to grow live and prosper in houston, texas--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
a buddist hippie spot.Intresting obscure and odd and well weird. I want to be pretty, being ugly and agron and hurting and fear of being lost into the gutter slime and poverty and left for trash in the big city scares me dearly. I fear being alone lost and left in the cesspoll of montrose, east end or the hoods and slums of houston. soberity is above all , number to is transiton, three is going back to work and school.
I want to be a pretty sexy girl, this agro stuff, I hate myself I am sad ofen due to this. I will post a review to this new estbalshment here soon enough to grow live and prosper in houston, texas--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Saturday, December 1, 2007
life and being greatful and loved
The reality of my life has grown. I had a test a test of anger, and over judgmental and my own self Hippocratic. And weird life, and judgmental actions. I had dreams, confusion of life, myself and I. Clarity and flashbacks are more and more. Reality is a bitch and so am I.
I learn more coping and commutation and mediation and growth today. I learned more and relaxed more in the moment. I also grew more and more. I have a plan of action Monday, I also have to aduiton more for a upcoming reality show, and do some job hunting as well. I have to bring closure to disorder, panic and fog.
I grow tired of folks hassling me and judging me, and trying to run my life. I am an individual and fuck em. If they don't understand or try. I don't like people, and the people who I want to like me don't like me, I try to please the devil. And dance with it.
I push those away who care, love and grow in my selfish, self pity, par, cesspool life. I am a bitch, I like power, control, and ego, and my own narcissism destroys my balance of the cosmos.
On the positive side, I slept good and well and had very pleasant and very naughty dreams. And over ate a pizza last night from papa johns, lucky for me addiction and fasting and the heart burn out of being lonely at home helped somewhat. I had a nightmare of something or obscurity. I am fasting today.
I was smart enough to order a large thin crust, with onions, black olives, and mushrooms. That went to some bullshit charity that I am un-fimmualr with from papa johns in montrose. It also was over an hour late. And was yummy except for the heartburn. I slept like a giddily school girl, on a quiet peaceful, night awoke at 5qam was out the door early this morning.
Was complemented and still sober, and have a very busy week ahead. And much to do. And It will be a bit well rough around the edges with the holidays, the rear brake job and tailgate and mirror work on my pick em' up truck. I slept well sort of. And saw a peaceful film of the bay area from a birds eye view. One day at a time I grow. And many things I want to do with life, but careful .
I think everyone should go to 12-step programs it teachs you how to live life, grow and is a goddess for the unfaithful, self-destructive and bitch and mean & hateful
I had some naughty thoughts of a harmless, scape goat free, revenge but I will not do those naught thoughts, even though someone in a meeting also did those things to others, its cool to know I'm not the only sneaky selfish bitch on the block.
I'm greatness for :
being sober
knowing I am nonjudgmental, homophobic, and self-hateful, and knowing my inner bitch
having what I have, and what I don't want anymore.
Being alive,
My acquaintance who gave me a 2nd chance on life ]
Forgiveness
the holy ghost
not knowing and learning
being grateful
being quiet and observant and finding zen
Letting go and forgiving myself
Accepting myself\
being more verbally honest, and committed and opening up more about myself
Living not existing
learning to love what I have and love myself
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Sunday, November 25, 2007
What I am greatful for:
Working the “Bar” last night
Being sober
Doing whaT I HAVE TO DO
being honest
not having nightmares or being terroised when sleeping, even though I had a bad one about being abused by former co-workers again*
What I have and what others dont
Not being as selfish and a busybody
having a wonderful sponsor
faith and my angel whom I saw using up 8 of my 9 lives.
Being alive, and amongst good people
*Had a nightmare last night of being sexually assulted again, and beaten and abused in my apartment that I moved into.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Friday, November 16, 2007
My body is in massive pain, my back hurts, and I lack the task of sleeping at night, the cold is ungodly. My body is in pain. I have to rest. Clean house tonight, and go to a birthday party tomorrow night. I also have much to do, paper work this weekend. And try and get to the doctor. I dislike going to the doctor. I will walk out if I don't feel respected. And I don't like people touching me. In general.
I could not sleep I binge ate junk food last night when I have cravings, I don't follow my veg ways when I have cravings to drink. Which I don't get often, I watched terminator 3 and ironically enough there was a T3 edition tundra parked out on Mount Vernon and Boonie Brae this morning how fucked up is that.
I slept most of the night off and on restless, awoke this morning feeling sick and blah. Its just never ends, My tailgate cables, and assembly came in. and I have to take it to the shop for the mirror and than change my backup bulb and a few other things for my annual state inspection. And try and take some PM tonight to sleep better.
Made a few new friends and I am trying to rebuild my life, let go. And I have made loads of progress, and melamine even said she might take me into a hate crimes group. I resent the fact. I was home before 9PM last night not looking for trouble.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Monday, November 12, 2007
I told my neighbor last night that I accdiently had her food that feel out the bag when the drunk homeless guy almost called a accident, lately ive been a bit bitchy goddess of the universe type feeling when I am sick I am well brutally honest.
I slept most of today with my nasty sinus infection and committed to melanie I will do the mhmra and my sponsor before thanksgiving as a result of not going today I committed to go tomorrow and forfeit our appointment or see if she can squeeze me in later in the week, kathy has been a good 2nd sponsor for me tomorrow I pick up my 4 month chip.
My neighbor was honest with me even though it upset me. I was honest and I am becoming more honest, and grateful and kind and less attention whoreish and working on myself. I abused myself. Yesterday some drunk guy was driving down weigh when I went out to get more medicine and well chased after me he didn't like I called him a drunk and a few obscenity and remarks, today some guy was talking on the phone and I was selfish and pissed him off and he opened my trucks door and avoided a fight.
I know I am kind and more conservative and nice, and well want something more. I have leared forgiveness and ray and I see more and more on issues. And I talked to hima bit tonight. I hope I can repair damage I have done. But I have to fix the cobwebs in my brain.
I have committed to leave here at some point my dream is in science and engineering and Information tech. I want to maybe get a A+ certification before I leave here, get working at good grocery store whole foods has good gender incigve policy's. It my plan, eventfully maybe transfer so the bay area go back to school more, or possibly move to DFW or Austin. I have friends in other areas.
I uploaded some more content to my site, also talked to my neighbor and have more well honesty even if maybe all along I was angry at myself and selfish in my own twisted way. I don't sleep much anymore I resent not taking justice, but also Have decided against as much as I wanted to take the law into my own hands regarding victor, john, henry, carl, henry, james, elmadeans mistreatment of me. In the end they got their own shit. Elmadean went to jail, john got fired, and james got busted also.
The others will get it one day, just not from me. I have to learn to live, trust and go back to casual conservative me and I left a lot in that apartment behind due to not wanting to put up with the abuse, my safe place is my truck, thats my zone I don't like to stay at home just because my home and my truck has been well taken from me to speak.
I want a roomies, but no pets I want someone to be at home and cuddle with but not a big fluffy pet. My neighbor and I have become closer and she confided and me and I did in her, I might take her to a meeting now and than. I just need my solitude at the present. I hope I can make a living amends, I have sort of changed habits to move away from areas not wanting to run into people I have wronged even though I know I will sooner or later when my power gives me such.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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