Life in San Francisco and a new happy chapter in my life

Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Slept good last night this morning, have an appointment about obtaining a grant to go back to school. Also going to clear up my IRS issues this week for tax estimation, a happier chapter in my life begins. My grandmother went officially into cartiric arrest, and is in a coma, with little chance of ever being alive in this world. She’s in a breathing machine.
Ate a yummy veggie side salad Jack in the box has awesome vegetarian salads. The best in San Francisco for the buck. Have to go pick up my inscriptions at the drug store as well. Slept well.
I miss being able to call my grandmother and tell her I love her. She lived to be eighty-five, and doesn’t want to live on a breathing machine. I also added some code to my site yesterday. In addition, the front page of the San Francisco Chronicle, speaks MUNI Accidents Cost S.F. Dearly. Which all the law suits, bad drivers, and poor reputation of the San Francisco Municipal Railway. We also ranked 2nd as the greenest city, we scored last for risk of disaster in the united states.
San Francisco ranked last due to the following reasons
1.) Traffic
2.) Lack of affordable housing.
3.)
Like Hurricane Ike, it’s a bad time to be in San Francisco when threes an earthquake, the same way it’s a bad time to be on Galveston island during a hurricane, and it’s for a non alcoholic a good time to be on bourbon street in New Orleans enjoying a hurricane at jimmy buffets Margaretville.

Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I made amends with my grandmother
2.) Grateful that I have people in San Francisco, Houston, New Orleans, Berkeley, Oakland that Care about me
3.) Grateful That I am sober
4.) Grateful that my dreams are starting to become a reality
5.) Grateful to have a good support and social circle
6.) Grateful to have come to California on Jan 6th 2008
7.) Grateful to be sober from July 13, 2007

The List
1.) Mail
2.) Appointment today
3.) IRS
4.) Drug Store
5.) Write code, do step work, meeting




My Goals
1.) Be more adherence to my vet diet
2.) Cut back drastically on my coffee and iced tea consumption
3.) Drink a fuck of a lot more water
4.) Attend more bulimic anonymous, debtor anonymous, and overeaters anonymous, anorexic anonymous, video game anonymous, interned addicts anonymous, online game anonymous meetings
5.) Be kinder to others with service
6.) Read the big book more





Furthermore Discovering more about myself as an individual I continue to live, long, grow and prosper as a wonderful individual.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

12/25/07

Had a amusing day today, took photos out on Galveston island, went to a meeting or two. Have these feelings and emotions and weird things, it was the first time I drove on a freeway, and on hills in a long time. I also had some fuck heads mess with me on 45 near the south sam Houston toll way fuck with me flip me off and say a bunch of obscenity and verbally taunt me, and I walked away from it on my way down there.

I found some sea shells, and part of a coral which amused me, a very hard peace of a reef in the foam and surf side, ate good arrived back in Houston around 2pm, and ate left leftovers from labma, had more meemories of my mother, others and things from the past.

Also remembered more of my life, and grew more, was scared shit less I don't like driving anymore, the freeways and those that drive from Galveston to Houston or from clear lake, weber, frendswood, pearland, league city etc are insane.

I keep my mind busy and jogged around Galveston island and ran around the sea wall and went running. Its better than self-termination or a Remington shotgun to the head, in a abandoned building, or jumping 20 floors to my death and blood splattered over the ground.

I also did not see many or much law enforcement today, on my time on the island, I only saw one Galveston county sheriff on the area. Doing a traffic stop close to the Harris county line (half way) in

I also passed and mucked around Tiki Island a bit. And had to use the 4x4 nice having a Baja Pickup Truck. I want my peace, and love of life and optimism again, and the resentments and insanity to end, self termination inst a option , nor is drinking, I'm not sure.

I think my time is coming in closer and close somewhat of sorts I don't know why, I had a spiritual experience to myself, I had peace I occupied my pain and learned I cant handle change or a road trip or insanity or much else. I don't know what I do not want to be mind fucked.

Maybe admitting defeat to the insanity is good, maybe the end isn't so near, maybe just the beginning But I already Knew that, It scared the shit out me, my neighbor was drinking, I have a nose for a drunk and stupidity

The other factor is I also have more and more and grew myself, I know what I must dod even if I have not done, it I have zen even though its not pleasant I have enlightenment sort of I think one day at a time I go back in time, I remember now and remembered painful, things I don't want to remember but I did, reality is a bitch, so I deal with it, I just don't talk about it, I cope sort of, I have to love myself, live breathe in passion, love and joy again I hope anyway, I hope to live another day in spirit again, I hope to breathe in passion sort of. I'm going to get an eye exam also soon.

I slept good and last night went to a al-at hon at a 24 hour club, and met some young folks under 18 aa members and under 21 who already fucked them selves up and had some juvenile probation and Juvenile Department of corrections kids there.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

news and views and myself

12/16/07

My right side hurts, pulled something. It aches, as does my left side and my many marks from work and other things mostly archived in Houston, though a few childhood scars, one on my right leg, my head mark made in high school when I feel and split my head open in my freshman year I was known for the kid who busted their head open.

I remembered something more recently a Insecurity and self-development. And other tasks. I have laundry to process today, I packed, ate ok, slept ok, recharged and will tough things out. The wet and cold weather, Texans have no clue. I love the weather. I love, the cold, rain, snow, and when its cold.

I dream of telecommuting in Montana or retiring a ranch in the mountains and rural high life would be great, or a loft or townhouse in the bay area. The upcoming election seems odd, and disappointing. I like Dennis Kucinich due to his support of transgender inclusive EDNA but it would be to far left, Clinton is ok, but again a flip flopper, and a lier of being supportive of unions she was the first woman on the board at Wal-Mart and just dont trust her. Obbma has not much experience is ok, but skinhead groups and neo Nazi, and the KKK would really hate Obbma.

I like Nader and see myself as a green party, libertarian, and ind pedant swing voter.

The county jail bond failed In Houston due to the fact of total lack of law enforcement we spend so much on the city of Houston police department IT and information systems in fact we have a bigger IT budget than the other 4 larger city's in the united states, due to the lack of law enforcement, being a major city with zero zoning and urban planing.

We have the problems of LA, NYC and some where in the mix folks are tired of the lock them up, Texan thing. The big deal is due to having to put cops where the spikes in crime and GPS and real time crime and 911 tracking every 6 hours and soon to be hourly real time crime updates and in car GPS systems.

Now you pay Your HOA a fee, for fast police response so you don't become a Joe Horn, which the big disgrace is he is wrong, He shot someone across the street. The other deal is the roads are falling apart partially due to hurricane Katrina destroying the port of New Orleans and making Houston the port capitol of the united states of America, over loaded trucks are destroying our once proud Texas highways.

In other news, the town home across the way is still building up, my old neighborhood was the scene of another murder and home invasion and glad I left that area, id rather put up with the inner loop and big city that suburban outskirt apartment problems in the crime ridden complexes of west chase / memorial / spring branch.

George W Bush as further disgraced this country due to giving our Oil rich Alaska land to the ruskies. The war in Iraq is costing tax payers more, The ICE (formerly INS) is now using commercial airlines to deport illegal criminals in Houston due to the lack of armed forces transports. We have more and more things going over there, and a grave yard of hummers, and other equipment on the rails or Houston.

The KBR rape case, and backwater groups as well as the wackenhuts long listed ties to murder for hire and CIA front is saddening. The cover ups lies and disgrace to united states of America that we give the ruskies oil rich land, the lack of media outrage and focusing on stuck of parris Hilton getting busted again for DUI or Britney puts her kids on ebay, or OJ doing a armed robbery is disgraceful we want real news.

The famous BBQ join long lived to The bush family and joy is closing in wake of more inner city town home development due to Big Oil greed in Houston, Otto's BBQ is soon to be town homes while the suburban ones will be gone the Old BBQ place will be town homes, much like the cirrus house and maybe even the beer can house will be gone soon.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

12/14/07

I am tired of hurting, the pain bleeding in. called my sponsor today, figured out the issue with the problem with the documents for the auto repair, must go into the shop asap. God I am stupid and have allowed my life to become unmanageable.

Took care of other affairs more recently. Also took care of other matters. Send some payments off, talked to other folks. Did some e-mail house cleaning, and wrote come code today.

Did some research more recently. Ive been at peace pretty much as of late. I must move on and move forward.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Dark Angel

Enforcer of the night, goddess of Houston Texas The Dark Angel of space city rides off in her lone ranger into the sunset

I hurt knowing in Less than a month the time of action, reaction and choice sets in as the day draws closer to god, faith and some powers at be someplace, somewhere. I hurt knowing my right and wrong what is right and whats not.

I am having flashbacks of myself, the past, present and future. Possibly Houston despite the painful memory's and choices will work. Or can work if I work it. The life might be ok, someplace in a god or I prefer a goddess or some temple, faith and fate will kick into interpersonal growth and self discovery, love and self acceptance within myself, life, love and start to live again not exist.

The growth of my life myself god and a higher priest and or priestess, some power, someplace some where It continues to grow, bleed,l scream and discover. I know I am alive, but I Feel dead inside, my bag of bones, I slash down and bash my brains on the ground, But sober I shall, into Hell, or heaven only a god of my understanding shall tell.

I hurt knowing how bad I once was, the power of ego, lack of self-will and pity party, and boozing my way through medication, death, birth, and pondering into the future, not reliving the past I am gone, gone with the wind, the blood of my heart, mind, body and soul bleeds into the cesspool long gone and forgotten of the streets of Texas, Houston, and Harris county, the barker cypress and addicts reservoir I drown, the sam Houston toll way I smash into shame, forgotten who is to blame?

Do I really live, I don't feel alive in side, My colt 45 trembling at my side, I honk and reload and shoot the foe, of the past, present and future only to be lost by a pack of wolfs and wild creatures, off road, on the road and on and off. I stray around the interstate, us highway, farm to market roads, state highways, local roads, county roads, brown fields, oil derelicts, rednecks, yuppies, law men and women, Texas rangers.

On the seat of my Lone Ford Texas Ranger, I lie, The AK 47 by my side, the pipe bomb of narcissism dead by the hide, or cattle, the lonely gunshot that rattles. The single shot of faith the leap without bound and enlightenment the termination, and failures lie before me the girl who never was sleeps tight with the single shot she bites.

She cries at night with the 9mm by her head praying for life, and to be alive in her mind, body, soul and passion, she try to bring the courage into life and fashion. To hold on she must, to ride off into the sunset she shall, the lone ranger all jacked up she rides, in her 4x4 she goes west as she shall, interstate 10 westbound, up interstate 5 she rides the lone ranger into the sunset the fx4 emblems glistening under the full moon, like a werewolf she thrives off conversion, blood gets spattered lesbian bonnie and lee she shall, with the dog behind them she rides firearms by her and her companion she rides.

The vampire in her sucks the energy out of those she encounter, they abolish her, to all she encounters, she seeks revenge in her narc ism and ego and greed, its all about her not be. So she slaughters males, cops, people who care, she only is about her, and has a thin hair trigger, shooting left and right through being a terrorist, she slaughter with the pen not the sword. The death, body count and terrorist she leaves behind.

She slaughters her abusers, rapists, priests, sisters, and others like her. She makes poor on her word due to being a coward and greedy, a lier, narcissist, poet, and mind over matter, she has a spiritual hair trigger her AK47 of a mouth is the reason, that death is in the season in the air tonight, looking for her next victim at night, living and lieing, though terrorism, break a leg here and there, fire a gun or fireworks off in the air.

Break here and there, launder some money, take care of a person there, Red rum this, abuse that, beat the shit and get the truth out of the enjoyment of torturing others, and scaring the shit out of others as well. She might as well be in hell. She cant live with the faith and the bad girl thing does not cut it anymore, lieing down she pulls her kit and prepares to die on the floor, the pump action shotgun is not needed but she wants it is the season.

Maybe she committed some terrorism crimes, maybe it is all left behind. Maybe she shot the glass, at those in her past, framed those rice round and round, firing all around. The stick of TNT left in spite she gives a evil terroristic grin into the light. Left in the air tonight, she shoots all in spite, for it is the season, round em up and kill them for the reason.

She slashes a wrist there, cuts one on a nasty toilet on a forklift there, minuipltes this one there, and leaves that redneck out in the cold in disport, hatch this hatchet that, kill that one and don't do that.

She is a Texan by the oracle, of stupidity, so she shall get her 15 minutes of shame for the world is not to blame but the bitterness inside, she kills all at her side, for no other reason than the enjoyment of power, privilege, fear in the hearts of men, who abused her and she abused her self and did not listen. She is a vampire and helps terrorize others on the street, living out of a suitcase, boxes, and a truck on occasion, luxury hotels, and motels and rv parks, and army and police surplus shops are in season.

Gun depot, mom and pop she rides in stride, just put the bottle down for good this time, now fast aproching 5 to 6 months sober a choice now must be made in stride to keep leaping from life to life trying to fix what once went wrong, or keep going along in space city or the bayou city. Or shoot em up and fire up her pick em' truck and shoot across the open highway for a road trip with god as her god, savior and co-pilot along for the ride, keep shooting side to side.

The bitch and redneck and fucking attention whore is gone inside, she rides with her switchblade, and baseball bat at her side, and occasionally a 38 by her side, she wonders if she can ever live again. Or die trying or hop a train , or a amtrack, or maybe a greyhound or go back to hired help, putting fear and intimidation in the minds of men, her social path does not need to begin again.

Help is what she seeks, the holidays suck, she does not like the slut next door, whoring around left to right, she has more self will and pride than that, mind over matter, and damn sure her scams, and cons don't work, but she does and works hard, just lost the integrity in it all.

She is a selfish power, bitch the switch is off and that is agony, sometimes victor, henry, john, Enrique, james, Almaden, carl hurt the most. Her racism, and haltered and stereotypes of blacks, Mexicans, and inter racial is by what they did to her, long ago at west Jefferson high school the hurt her.

She views her self as a vampire, vigilante, Gothic, lesbian who hurts and brings fear power and control to the world, showing those who don't break the law, that they get her wish, as an enforcer here and there, while they honk she reloads destroying, all that oppose, with the pen not the sword she lies alive before to tell her story in a timeless fashion she is alive by gods passion.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

12/03/07

As of late my teachings of buddism and studys I shall take a day this week to rest study and not have any contact to bring me closer to a higher power this week. I shall be alive and well but only be in spirt and enlightment for a bit of a time Please keep me in your hearts minds and body and soul.

In other news, the idot maybe got the message tonight, and someone else also learned more. I also have a crush or two and have grown more and more and more. I want nice things, I want peace, joy and love but am bedazzled as to how to do this, or higher power or faith maybe this will.

In other news check out the last concert cafe and other points I bring to speak more and more,

Go around here to there, and mind over matter. Just Do it.

I have some items I am working on, and turing to phone off and disconneting for the world for 24 hours to bring peace, I chose the learn the real world and my true self. And the next direction into inner peace. And I shall not panic.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Today visted the monks corner cafe and wireless amuseing down the street from the last concert cafe. http://www.monkscorner.net/ a buddist hippie spot.

Intresting obscure and odd and well weird. I want to be pretty, being ugly and agron and hurting and fear of being lost into the gutter slime and poverty and left for trash in the big city scares me dearly. I fear being alone lost and left in the cesspoll of montrose, east end or the hoods and slums of houston. soberity is above all , number to is transiton, three is going back to work and school.

I want to be a pretty sexy girl, this agro stuff, I hate myself I am sad ofen due to this. I will post a review to this new estbalshment here soon enough to grow live and prosper in houston, texas--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

what I am greatful for in Houston, Texas and harris county

I am Grateful to have four (4) months sober Before the Holiday season.
I am grateful to have been given the gift of sleep last night, and
well rested and have awoken at 6am and went to the eyes wide shut
meeting
I am grateful to be alive, and not dead or in jail
I am grateful to have what I have, and let go of the pain


I am grateful for my sponsor and others around me
I am grateful for forgiveness
I am grateful for my wonderful therapist--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

daily outlook and affirmations

I discovered more about myself, sponsors can fail. People change and grow, Rents due the next few days, I also have to pay the wireless bill. And other issues. I also discovered something else, about myself. I know more and more and live, and grow more and more.

I plan to this week face my fears, yesterday at the coffee shop I disovered a lot of wrong and pain I have and suffer in my soul. I discovered more and more and grow more. I may go to a group today, and finish and turn in a few more apps and call the atty. Thursday I have to go out to baytown and fire up my pickup truck. I have to pay the tax man of harris county also soon. December and get a new inspection as well. I also plan to get a oil change on thrursday if I have time if not most likely this weekend.

I washed and waxed my truck yesterday, went to the grocery store, went walking this morning, droped some mail off at the post office. And checked my po box as well. I also have grown used to the soothing sounds of the southwest freeway, and 288 as well and the building shaking I no longer notice. I have been dreaming more of other things. I hope others are doing well.

I had more of a reminder of my trucking opertunity days more recently. An article about the privatisation of war, with out a draft, the risks private security contratractors, private fuel truck drivers, privite supply depot drivers. And the growing privatitazation of the united states armed services. Its where I want to be, But I cant dwell on the past, and dreams shatterd by poor choice I did to myself.

First things, first. I cant get caught up in other peoples things, I must focus on myself. And getting through the cold holliday season and all the bars and party goers around me. I am greatful I have 3 months almost 4 months sober given its hard to make it. I hurt but pull through, and I will make it through to my 27^th birthday sober. That is for certin. Or I would rather die than to take another drink.

In other news, I have also learned I have laundry today, some personal calls, and a group to go to this morning. I also discovered where I want to go in life more so. I know who I am and where I am going, just going along as the capricorn I am slow, and steady, but rugged and making it to the top even if stubborn. Even I drive a capricorn type auto. Is my mule for a mule.

In other news, I have been thinking, when I was at the store in alexzandra, LA and between Houston, TX and Harvey, LA I have been remebering sort of the paperwork and the new orleans poilce came and purchased a large quanity of on hand firearms and camping equipment, and ammo. But also placed a large order. And its possible some of the things I sold them could have been used to kill, or restore law to from the lawless. And bring order to cahos.

What made me think of it was,the fact I saw some law enfrocement doing good, and helping someone in crisis most are good fine folks, I encontered some hicks, and well just fucked with people, and people washed their hands, in helplessness. You cant help those who dont help them selves, and just bitch about it.

I have been thinking of and hopeing for a white christmass and hope I do not spend the hollidays alone, though I have no plans for thanksgiving or christmass. I envision this year as opossed to last cooking dinner alone and eating a large meal, possibly spending this christmass or thanksgiveing in a restruant alone.

Blah the urn for companionship. Ive accepted the reality I may allways be alone, and that I might be alone my whole life. And thats hard to accept but its also very realstic, given my escentric, and ultra high standards, selfishness, and high expectations and over demanding and unrealstic views, goals, and well way of life.

I also discovered more about life, life is great god,is good even if she and I do not speak very often. Even if faith and the goddess that I understand well is at odds with each other. I dont want to get sucked into any religion or faith or power, but to discover more and more of myself. Which I will continue to grow.

I also see a meeting in the future today, even though I am uncertin as to where. I occasi8only also visit primary porpouse, lamba, the highits club, post oak club and other places. And even occasionly go to meetings in montgormey and ft bend county and galviston on occasion or baytown.

Blah, I miss the open road and outdoors quite often. I miss being free of bondage and baggage. I miss having faith and self confidance, I hate being alone, that I do. I miss feeling like I belong or have love and faith. I want love again, I want to love myself. I hate going though the bullshit of life, Im being a narsssistic bitch at the present.

I talked a bit to anthoney charles recently, as well as wish roy allen palmor would call I lost your number, maybe Ill find it in my phone records sometime soon. I must be more opnomistic as of late, and postive and stop burshing people away. I want folks to understand the real me. And get to know me.

But truth be told, the discovery of myself is in order. I must grow, more and more. I dont have control over the past, others opnions of me, other peoples views, or misconceptions of me, or what others think of me. I have control over what I choose, to do, who I befriend, not drinking, being postive, cheerful and optomisic.

I cant control whats done is done, first things first, I do have more optomisim today, given the postive out look. I must let go and stop hanging around bad places. I do know I have and will discover more about myself if I have the capisity to be honest, loyal, and break free and admit to my faults, past transgressions and let go.

I do know and have been wondering if I am any better than those who mistreated me, and yes, I accept that I may nevr have just for my injustice, given I caused others injustice. But I am getting better, one day at a time, slow and steady, I make it. I progress, and live, learn and grow, and blossom and bloom as the flowers of spring.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

personal self-discovery

The Untold story

By Lee McInnis Gaetjens

October 25, 2007

My untold story is as follows, I have a lot of pain, I dont like to admit defeat. My issues with my transgender feelings and accepting the disgust of the way and wrongs I have done others. The truth of myself. I am remebering pain, and suffering I did out of self-destructive choices, actions, and inaction's, and paranoia and hanging around places, people I had no legitimate business.

I am semi-reluctant to put pen and word to paper. I remember with my photographic memory, intellect and good social engineering and manlipitive skills, and blending in. Bad things I did in vivid detail to others, I don't want to put a lot to paper out of fear of legal repcussions.

I know I am transgender, I know I drank over 10,000+ worth of beer, wine and mixed drinks. I remember why i drank, to avoid dealing with reality, the abuse I had at the workplace, my religious, and the pain and suffering I saw in myself, others and along the gulf coast, region. Do deal with my racism issues, hate and fear of black males, and some Hispanic males, and males in general.

I remember others tried to help, I pushed them away, I remember where I got drunk the 1^st time in my life, I remember the pair of jeans which I wear often which I took my first and last drink in. I remember always wanting something exciting and drama.

I remember being dishonest not as in stealing but socially, I remember occasionally running into church members, or acquaintances when drinking and consuming beverages in the montrose area. I remember the paranoia and encouraging abuse, when I could no longer find abuse, I had law enforcement, security guards, and looked for trouble on the streets of Houston.

I remember finding trouble, and meeting the right person, and was similar to a jackie brown briefly, I remember working as an enforcer for illegal activities at after hours night clubs, illegal gambling establishments, and intimidating, and torturing males remember being able to but I chose not to, have people killed for me during this period.

I remember during this period having at times crisp 100s and 20 dollar bills and often having 1000 to 5000 cash on my person on a daily basis. And moving large quainitys of money around town, breaking legs for bookies and loan sharks, and having 2 males with me as help, and I enjoyed and was very good at toruting and getting people to talk, but I never killed anyone but i suspected the other two had.

I remember slashing someone's tires, vandalism someone's radiator hose, smashing the windows, bugging a house, installing a phone tap, hacking into a website, and setting treating e-mails, commutations, phone calls, and harassment, stalking, and intimation, and installing a gps tracking devise into someone's personal auto, breaking into rooftops.

Everything that I was not because I wanted to die, or go to prison because of my transsexual issues, I could not face the pain, someone whom I hurt badly who took up for me, I felt portrayed by, I did some of the things above to this person and a few others, I also went after another person with the same baseball bat that I got beat up with,but the only difference is I never hurt her. I knew she cared subconscialy even though the booze was speaking otherwise.

I ocasionly also bag handled large qaunitys of drugs, dropped off drugs at drop points where they get smuggled into the county jail and also the state prison system. I am remembering painful things, That I suppressed for a very, very long time.

I also remember a few antiques shops that are fronts for stolen property, and also other places that are used for laundering money, Laundromats, convince stores, gas stations, nightclubs, bars, restraunts, etc.

I also remember I wanted to die, I tried to kill myself 2 times, I remember why I did, I had to much going on at the time, I had my church, I missed my family, hurt that they don't understand or believe in my transgender issues, or aa or drinking or believe that such things exist.

I had the stealing going on at work, I had the abuse, I came to like the abuse, I felt portrayed at my job, family, and other people. I had trouble commutating my issues, I even became a skin-head briefly during my time. I am also figuring out parts of my family hipocricy.

My aunt in Oakland, CA is a lesbian my father told me. I have figured out suppressed memories in my inner and extended hipiocracy, I had an great aunt (allice mcauliffe) and great uncle (Hugh Judge McAuiliffe) whom I have written about before who never married.

I remember one of my first times drinking alone and something bad that happened to myself, I remember being taken advantage of not watching my drink, being forced to withdraw cash, in a bar I find disgusting and soon gladly will be closing My transsexual neighbor whom I disgust hangs in there to pickup business whom has been missing for almost a week now. And I am becoming very worried about, I last saw her a week ago, walking the streets near westhi8emer and taft.

When I can not sleep, I urn and have learned and discovered more about myself. I need rest I need to be in bed early, I need to take care of myself, and do what's right and corrent for me. I need to start working, I have to be selfish to aqurie what is right for me and me alone. I know where I want to go, I know that transition is for me, with out a doubt. I know I was happier not just due to the drinking but when I lived and traveled as myself for a year even when I did not drink. I know I am a good, kind, caring person. But transiotn is hard and I intend as they speak of in the beginning to go to any leights other than drinking, drugs or the sex trade or trafficking to archive my goals though honest, legal means I know it is a rough bumpy road, but it is hard to reach it, but I have to be selfish to be who and what it is for me.

I remember much about myself, the past and life along. I remember bad choices, after more and more bad choices and being selfish to others, and burning out my brain with drinking and drugs. And poor choices..

I know I want to be honest, and get the help I require, and desire. I know I want to let go of the past, quit spinning round and round like a record. I know I want to let go of past transgressions and hope some can forgive me. I know I want to get better. I know life is unknown but the alaterive of not transitioning, and gender reassignment and continuing hormones and doing things right and remaining sober is suicide and death, and I have chosen life and enlightenment for growth.

I am scared yes, I don't want to go the path, but I know I must. I hit and muster near bottom and want to grow more and more and continue to find faith, I don't like the fact that people are afraid of me or the drunk me, or the me that is unstable like a time-bomb or bad me. I don't like that me, I am afraid to let go of that old, nasty, hateful over-judgmental, selfish, impulsive, dishonest, person because that's how I learned to accept myself.

I am in much agony not living as myself, but I am in much agony learning to function in soberity. I am sacred and alone, and while not to bitch about what I did to myself, I must be totally honest, loyal and continue to grow into enlightenment of myself and sprout the seed, for everything is easier to get into than out of.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

self growth for today

10/21/07

My day to today was interesting and obscure and also very well emotionally painful. I didn't sleep much, I had a odd desire and dream and well cravening last night and remembering more pain I caused others. I went to a church this morning searching for faith,alas I have none.

I also had horrid dreams, its embarrassing but I remember bad, nasty hateful things I did to others, and sometimes I don't awaken and bed wet in the nightmares as em brassing as the pain is. I also dreamed something else horrid, that I did or had someone else do for me to keep my hands clean.

I went to the office warehouse and went through files, I also read up some on illness and depression and other things, Its hard for me as a Capricorn to admit defeat. I have a plan to reach in 18 months as a goal. And I would rather die sober than to falter or relapse in my plans.

I found something else today, I went grocery shopping, hauled off some crap, and went urban exploring and searching for more of myself and my past. I also did some house work and domestic things. Talked to a old church friend thats in Utah today before he went to church.

I am making my thanksgiving plans, I also crossed paths with a old friend out in past the old me, I talked to the folks and family more about my gender identity and transsexual issues, and we debate things, but in honesty it did not shock some people who raised me and took care of me growing up. Just some debate as to when they took form is debatable.

Ive been dreaming of things, and the movie the return is a good relationship to how my life is going at the present, the creepiness and earyness. I am remembering something horrid I did, and It hurts, and I am going legitimate, but the pain is really bad. I know I cant allow things to build up, I go to a few meetings a week. But mainly just stooping by helps where I started I just have so much to do, but not to much in sanity.

I don't want the pain, and don't want to be out and about around town, but I have tasks to finish and much to do Monday morning, Ive stopped spending nights on roof tops, and now spend nights, in parking lots, utility corridors, and off road overlooks of rivers and bayous. Though I still occasionally go on roof tops my train of thought is depressing. Ive been dreaming of a motorcycle as of late.

I had a salsa very wrap today with Tabasco sauce and have been dreaming more of well the future and somewhere there is a 3 series awd supercharged hard top convertible along with a A+ cert and the pacific coast highway in the picture.

I also this morning understood why MM and JT want me to get further help, and listened to talk radio watching the nightlife drunks, and binge eating and throwing up and a upset tummy ache last night, some people burn out and need something more to help them. I had a lot of trauma, and I want justice, but the truth is I wonder if I deserve it. I honestly am more quiet, shy and laid back. I don't like crowds and like to people watch, if someone finds me interesting maybe ok, but I have high standards and taste, I am very generous and caring and giving and charitable, and like to give service with time, skills, and giving things materialistic even if I purchase it for that reason.

I also saw someone more recently that brought more and more pain into my life, I had a shock wave as of late on the north loop and some more painful thoughts hitting me back when I had a desire of drinking more and more.

I plan to reach my goal, even if I reach it and give up to achieve enlightenment. I am scared but I am making it and reaching myself. And growing.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Self reflections into myself

10/11/07

Who is Me?

I am someone who is insecure with herself, who struggles to find her self and accept her self in sobriety. I struggle for the first time in my life un-certain of what to do, that I am physically and mentally able and of the mindset to handle and struggle to find inner peace with myself.

I struggle to accept things, let go of the past. I find that I know I am transsexual but hate others like my self. I struggle to accept and be rational about myself.

I feel at odds, I don't like people and went though a terroristic mad at the word, man hater due to the abuse, and self-abuse and mistreatment at the workplace and drinking. Took peoples advice as hostile and over-judgemental and even became somewhat of a vigilante. But I let go.

I am someone kind, charitable, honest loyal, would give my life to save another, like helping people, but I don't like to ask others for help. I have trouble and self-esteem issues do to abuse, and don't like asking or allowing others in my life due to being abused a lot. But I am a fighter (in spirit) and willing to go to whatever weighings inside my values, beliefs and morality and not disgrace myself, body or soul any more, with abusing others, myself, or being self-distributive.

I like the outdoors, adventure, camping, But also like cooking ,gardening, and power tools. I like helping others, church, faith, doing good deeds, being a angel on the freeway. Giving to charity with my time, and money and service work.

I have a heart and would give my physcal possitons things or give away to help others, I like to spend at home and read but like to be out and about given I like to be active in the community and enjoy camping, and learning and have a curiousity about the world about me.

I face those who don't understand, the folks who don't understand me, the folks I hurt with my drinking, and self-destructive actions. I am a spirituality strong person, I really hurt and struggle with explaining gender and transexuality to those who don't get it, or those who don't understand it. I am slowly with 90 days of clarity of life.

I know I accept myself, I know who I am, I know I am female, and transsexual, but my fears, insecurity and resentments and the Mormon thing, and family led to years of resentments. And insecurely. I know I will probably always be alone, my life is rought. But I know what direction I wish to grow and progress into. I know where I want to go today, and know Id rather be sober and I being selfish to myself now am stuck going to meetings till the day I die.

I know I want meaning in life, in work, education, and don't like being idle, and want to be active. I don't like being at home much due to being lonely. I have a likening to coffee shops and conversation and being social and things of that nature.

I like giving to others, but have trouble being close to others or building friendships or keeping them I either destroy myself. Or hurt myself, or hurt others or withdraw. Meaning why I don't keep a tv at home or Internet as those are time watchers.

I have grown into who I am, but feel 90% of people don't understand me or what makes me tick but rather than try to explain or inform trans gender issues, I withdraw into depression, homophobia, or drinking which is no longer an Option I broke free. I abused my body and have been abused, so fitness and healthy living has become one of my largest goals, running and doing chores or work which is physically demanding is very important to me to stay in shape.

I know I like myself, I know I want myself, I know I am a fighter, but the garbage I see and folks who do the drag show thing disgust me. And just get tied off seeing many lost into the cesspool of drinking, prostitution and prison and crime. I broke free but don't know why. But I just grew tired of the bull shit drama.

I want to help people, travel to places, write inform people about the world. I like being mobile as I never though I would have. I learn not to take others stereotypes and over-judgmental feelings as a resentment but to try and inform those who don't know much about the differences of gender identity and sexual ordination, and develop and teach as a missionary of sorts, a missionary of love, peace and information rather than mis-information.

Knowledge and spiritual, and interpersonal growth is key. Key to love, life and self-growth in yourself. I know who I am. And accepted it not because of others but for me. I wasn't ready some lie to them selves, and I hate or rather more politically correct dislike folks who are not true to themselves. I did it for years and years and years. And sometimes have resentments or things which is very dangerous. Some people never come outside the box and remain a square all of their life.

I also want to mention that I have seen enough death, dieing and dramma. And while I feed of negativeity maybe with my messed up so called childhood where everything is supposed to be enjoyable. That I miss it I have trouble fiting in and living.

I love life, and myself and wish the Latter Day Saint church would allow me to break free and grow and prosper into myself and evolve beyond the box, or ex-commucate me or remove my name for the records, I am a very tough person when I have to be but I dislike doing and fighting battles by not minding my own business, not speaking up and allowing things to get bad, or enjoy and feed of my own pain and inner suffering.

I love my aunt Darline and the talleys, but they think I am a pervert and another reason I will never remain home, why would you want to be a female, how can you be born a male transition to female, yet like other females it must be a sex thing. They don't get the differences and Houston was my choice as I prior mentioned inner city was more progressive than outside. I miss living in my old west chase apartment but don't like the neighborhood, crime and rising traffic like being able to walk here, while I love cars and the open road and outdoors. I don't like traffic anymore or being an extrema commuter.

I also dislike and have a lot of phobia or males, large packs of males that may or may not be unassuming or accepting, and black and has panic males due to those were largely black males and some has panics who abused me physical and emotionally at work and growing up I was tormented by black males and well you get the drift.

I fear letting go and being sober But I made ,it I deiced I must stay sober for not being such hurts me and destroys myself, my life and just sends things to hell. I have grown and found some insecurity's in myself but also it hurts for poor things I did to other people out of self-destructive actions, or making a bad substitution worse by being a drama queen which I have no desire to be anymore

But when working on therapy, employment, taxes and other issues I have allowed my life to fall into almost the gutter of unmanageably and death, with dishonesty, loyalty, drinking, and near suicide and being naughty.

While being life is not all fun and games. I have found nothing power, and ego while I enjoy it is not the most disreputable and most are under constant stress and scrutiny and drink or kill themselves with overdose or further destruction.

I find I want somethings which the church wanted or could have given me even my trucking and diving into work, family, someone I care about, adventure of the open road, travel for work, fitness, physically demanding field work. Or might want a office deal, but in my spare time and on the weekends my camping trips.

I still often sometimes sleeping dream of my Baja fooling camper in the back of my pickup truck often as do I dream of living in Montana or Wyoming in retirement in a pop up rv or truck camper and a big boat and large disel 4x4 pickup truck in Canada and Alaska as well. I love high altitude and rural America and the snow, and ice I grow tired and disgusted with the city. And often wonder if my dream will ever be reachable but don't want to do that alone.

I admit my life and ego rules around me and I can be rude, obnoxious, over-judgmental, and selfish and have trouble shearing, being honest and being with others, and often I judge and stereotype other people rather than learn about them.

I find more and more about myself, I find I love my more insubstantial, electronic, and obscure music. But country, jazz., and classical relaxes me and reminds me off my mother. And as is running is very important to my sobriety. I feel before leaving Houston as I often speak I need to work on myself or my problems will follow me which is very bad due to the fact I'm almost gasp 30 years old I feel old, I milestone and while I progressed more in some areas, I allmsot sank down the tubes in others.

I also have discovered that I have issues with my self I have grown more into someone or something or somewhat of an obscurity and self-well confusion and misinformation. I find I burned out a lot of brains, knowledge with my drinking and self-distributive actions. Positive thoughts bring positive results, what I eat affects how I feel. And what I do and how I treat myself, or allow into myself writhe its media, music or popular culture affects my over all implementor.

I find I need to do what I must do for me and no one else to obtain enlightenment, and the search for knowledge is very real and urgent to the task and had to get better not to pump my body with poison, medication or more drugs to serve ego, and self comfort and inner- personal growth and enlightenment. And find myself.

I may find something else.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

My self-discoevry and day and week in Space City and The Lone Star Stare

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

I noticed something Today, I have some peace, and joy and part of my life has grown someplace, I left something behind. I need to be alone. The Pain is seating in, and that scares me to death, while I know I need to do more, and be more social. I have to lock myself in the box, my life allmosted ended sad, dark and deeply depressed as my mother did.

I am a fighter, and have tasks to bring management and serenity to my life, from the dark depressed and destruction and close to death. My mother and also some of my drinking areas, and amendments, changed my life.

In other news, I will call brand soon, head home and off to bed very very soon. I must sleep early tonight and find peace and myself, and awake very early tomorrow, and stop at the market to find some food by-products, I ate ok today but not overly so. I have been doing what I must for me.

I don't think poetry night is in my best interest but to observe other kindred souls in the yada twilight zone and the cesspool of Houston, Texas. Will be gone soon. I must stay focused on the task at hand, overcome my consecutive for myself, and continue to the path of enlightenment toward getting the fuck out of Texas, which is where my focus is to bring mismanagement, and peace within myself, so when I leave I am stress and drama free.

My personal life at the present is lacking and I must stay focused and tune all distractions and discomforts out and sacrifice my personal life but maintain some order and balance in myself to grow and get the fuck where I am more understood in physical form, legally, and also inside myself I am alive just focused dived into getting the fuck out of this town for more other grounds, to go to the bay area, collages are cheaper find work in a coffee shop, and maintain commitments and go back to school for Art, IT, and writing mainly new media and photojournalism and creative writing but for web media, free to air tv broadcasting and shortwave broadcasting in 3^rd world countrys are my area of intrests mainly for transgender and also other topics such as prison reform, glbt equity and other causes of intrest.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)