4/27/08

The reality of what I need, is clear. I progress. Yesterday I was able to kick my bitch swtich on in a controled manner, and discuss the issues that were upseting me, I am spening most of the present in lonely solitude, I have some personal matters I need to work out.

I am composeing more for my soul. I know more for my self. I also have some homework for threpy this week on the adgenda, I have more to talk about. I have some resentments to work through. I went to many meetings this week.

I also discussed with friends the truth, I know more about my soul and innser self. Ive been pondering some matters as well. I spoke with other folks more recently about myself, I am determeand more than ever to rebuild my life here, remain here.

I spend time alone due to needing to work out some issues, I have a crush or two as well. But I have utterly high standards. I also have the collage thing to work out, the lost documents, a police report, and a few AA realted manners, it stinks to be called into service, but I like it, love it.

I talked to DLG, PMG, AND other factors, today. I took care of some fincial matters, I had to compose more. For myself. I also see a person who scares me in meeting as much I did others in 2005-early 2006 and onward. My resentments were bad mostly myself, But I am such a selfish bitch I dont want to admit my fault, I ran away sober, doing my geogrpahicl understaning the jounry, hardships I face now build me a good foundation for my contunied soberity, growing and prospering.

I posed a bit on various forums, I occasionly visit everything from Transgender equity, to GLBT rights, to my 4x4 tailgate, and other fourms with network and system admin. I worked more on my SQL, and PHP Database(s) and also updated more code, googles failure is fixed, and also worked more on my Upcoming San Francisoc Transgender Community and Resources, Maybe CW and I are not that much unalike, however discussing with my theprist, i associate my abuse, hate crime, and sexual assult with her, and I lashed out at her.

I have chosen to make arangements for my truck, I also met a few new folks today, but as of late just as my mother was most of her life, and as am I, a hermit, rarely comeing out of her shell, to often I am misunderstood.

I also have to go to the collage this week, and also look at a few places, my finical health has gone downa bit lately, I also took steps to begin repairing my credit, and repay debits, I did some job hunting my resocues and option I have is stil open, I have some closure, I lost my name and gender change documents, recently on MUNI hopefuly they will be rightfuly restored, the prospect of further idenity theft is unsettleing.

I ate ok, today, yesterday I had a yummy salad, and smoothie, I am enjoying the wide range of fruits avialbale in san francisco, and the deverity. I also have been sleeping a bit better. I have some palces I am going to look at in Ingleside, and Tresure Island as well as one or two in Oakland.

My my mother and others are doing, more about myself. And what I need to do for mysoul. I know more for what I need for myself and interpersonal enlightment for my soul. I love more myself, listen more and talk less, and observe the insanity of life, the world and work my program.

I also have an apointment with a socil worker this week for the depression and other issues I am faceing at the womens colnic. I have a makeup and hair apointment and consult, as well as an electro consult, and I have the collage, and also have an apointment with my doc about my HRT, and levaels and further letters and documents for me. I just am burned out and utterly pissed that my papers were left due to being so tired, but I had some really good food friday. I am less of a bitch and my bitch is under wraps.

I love life and enlightment.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Insights of the bitch inside, daily thoughts, and postive views

11/15/07

My Life and day today is a bit bitchy. I bitched out my neighbor last night, I don't find it funny people sticking in my business, I wanted to go home and go to bed and rest and relax. I have had a rough week, and very painful.

I brought you your diet coke, and might bring it again later, but I did not want to have dinner, I needed to be alone and grieve, and you opening your door to me would not fix that. Sometimes I just need my space, thats why I creeped up the stairs, I want peace, it pisses me the fuck off when people open their door and I cant get in my own apartment.

I didn't want to hit the bitch switch, last night but I said it in 3 nice ways. I even fucking left the chicken which I usually don't eat because I had my feelings hurt this week. And honestly I DONT share everything on my blog.

Had a wonderful therpey session, working on respecting myself and boundaries, and growing and prospering a friend of mine is going out to sing later this week karaoke, and I might help a friend this weekend fri or Saturday night. I made a few other tg friends that don't look back in fear of past transgressions. I also made a few good friends both male and female. I just need to be alone at the present and work toward my goals. I don't like being a cruel bitch to others. But I play by my rules, I am cold and kind.

I am chratiable, and like indpendance, and giving back, but also have to work on me to get my things in order. A Friend of mine was fired from her job for being trans gender recently, I am really sad, she might sing karaoke to make some money for a contest to pay bills.

I have homework to do and paperwork to do later, and much to finish. I understand I don't feel safe even though I should I need to be less EMO and more secure with myself, I need to open up more. My auto parts came today and the rest did at the post office. Have some projects in mind later this week.

I bought a funky old belt, I like, went on line and also have to return something to the store. I dreamed last night of riding on a motorcycle across I-10 coast to coast, something about riding a motorcycle in a denim skirt, and long hair amuses me dearly. Wind flapping camping and even route sixty six amuses me dearly.

I dreamed more and more of my family I have a lot to be grateful for here, I rested today, Missed cathys call. And have paper work today. I am not depressed enough for services apparently you have to be chronically suicidal or homicidal to get help in the city. Tami told me to tell them I am suicidal, fuck that being locked up is a bad choice, and would driver me further insane, I want help and to get out of my fox-hole but I cant.

I have accepted the reality you are who you are, and I have to accept things I can not change, like things I did and did not do over the course of 2 – 2 ½ years ago I must live in the present and the moment, I have accepted I will probably always live alone. I am leaving Texas, but for the moemnet I am going to make friends and accept my time here, I have much to do and not to do, and I want peace and zen again and to love myself.

I know what I must do even if I have not done it yet, I have to face the pain, I got myself fucked up this way so I will live and deal with my inner bitch.

If you cant bedazzle them with your brilliance than don't bedazzle them with your bullshit.

I miss family and friends and loved ones more and more, but understand I cant change them I must change myself, I might go shopping at borders this weekend for a gift, I have plans to go out to dinner over the weekend with friends.

I might go out with a friend while she sings over the weekend karaoke over the weekend. I have much to do and grow more and more as I learn more about myself which I am learning more and more. I have grown. Last night I lost 15dollars which really pissed me off. I know where I dropped it and I know some crack head or drunk picked it up so I didn't bother going to get it, maybe I bitched my neighbor out also about that, it matters not.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

my feelings and postive thoughts, affermations, and not being a selfless bitch today

10/24/07

My wonderful sponsor wants me to write daily about things to be grateful for. I am grateful to have a wonderful therapist, to be sober, and not be getting in trouble. Working my very painful list of those I have wronged. Working on myself, tax, debit, job hunting and faceting my very much pain and starting over toward transition and boasting my fragile confidence, and inner soul.

I met someone whom is also trans and we care a lot about each other from out of town but in the lone star state, I am hurting very badly with the pain.

I am glad, to have sobriety, a roof over my head, a truck and people who care, and some who care and had to let go of me for ethical reasons, their own sanity, and also because of bad self-distractive actions to myself, and others out of personal safety and the greater good of a community as a whole.

Hopefully they will contact me to make amends, or fate will bring it. But I am actually shy, quiet and laid back. I am learning a lot about myself. Or think I am.

I ate a stuffed salsa , jalapeno veggy wrap today, and had a baked potato. In other news. I e-mailed my father today. And send brand the ghost stuff for haunted Houston when she keeps on trucking. Talked to Jennifer late last night.

And prayed and cleaned house, My neighbor has been missing for almost a week, I never knew how much I missed her, and oddly enough a tire and rim showed up. I wonder what the fuck is going on if she moved out, or is drinking or using drugs. I hope she is ok.

I've been thinking about GM lately, wondering if she is still sober. But I need to be alone,I have been saving my chips for her. I think about her a bit. We became to close to fast.

I also went to two meetings today one at lambda, another at primary porpoise. And hung outside at Taft street today. And mailed some packages and sent some bills off and did some job hunting.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)