Life in San Francisco, Oakland and Berkeley

Sunday, July 27, 2008

The reality of my life and self is I did more for myself. Slept good and alas a bit late until 5 am this morning. I awoke tcb have things to do later today.

Uploaded a few (password-protected apps) to the server (#2) today. I also worked on a few other things. This morning near 6th and mission I had a guy hit on me and I jumped back at a pot / meth / drunk head in the morning., and slipped on a banana peel in the morning, and tore a stocking make note why not to walk on 6th stet, and go up 7th or 5th to the train station.

I ate ok, went to a good meeting at the Alamo club, also composed a few documents, have to print a (few PDF files) am feeling better than yesterday after going to general hospital. They treated me well.
I also have worked on my social and confiandace issues, ran into my favorite transgender female to male therapist today. In addition, composed a few other items.

Talked to my grandmother about my life, and choises did some steep work at the Alamo club for my sponsor, have a few things to do Monday, have some banking and transit and civil matters to do next week, got referred for an MRI for my health issues.

Going to the dive / riot girl freak meeting this afternoon, don’t you wish you could go with me?

I also have to do a little laundry and other things after the meeting, and had a good crasuant today as well. I spoke to an old friend this weekend and uploaded some code to my site.

I’m going to go to the affirmation conference next year, have a few rentals to look at near uc Berkeley or in downtown Oakland near lake marriet, and a few co-ops in san Francisco as well.

Did some editing, design work for one of my preferable outsourcing clients, who does occasionally go on benders, and I being the sober one does her work for her. Delivered product to her promptly this morning

September or October looks ideal for importing my 4-wheel drive tailgate pick-em’ up truck to California, the Ford Ranger fX4 w/ tremor audio system long bed, ext cab special custom Texas edition
I also might eventfully after doing more step work invite my father to therapy at the pacific center given it is a neutral place and close to work, I often think of my father when I pass the downtown Berkeley Bart station or go shopping at the Walgreens or do printing at the Berkeley Kinko’s I also walk to the pacific center its one of my favorite fitness walks, usually I have dry cleaning, personal items and items for some of my clients whom some have minor binges and benders.


In addition, clean their dirty laundry as well as my own, I continue to progress more and more.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Life and the progress in San Francisco

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Slept well last night, today working on a few projects for a client, also have therapy today and a few other errands, have a few doctors appointments also, and some research to perform for myself and a few clients.

Had another nightmare last night, I figured out why it’s around the third anniversary of Katrina, talked to DT recently about Louisiana Politics, Katrina, Harvey, and crime and geographical and economic change. Also discussed becoming older, wiser, and being alone. Moreover, hurt and sick.

The past few days the San Francisco Chronicle, The Street Sheet, SF Guardian, Sf weekly have had articles about un-accountability, extreme poverty and homeless and life in general and the seeder sides of areas like SOMA. Tenderloin, Castro, mission, western addition.

My paper work is safe lucky for me, having off site digital document storage, a file room and access to a co-op and other various arrangements, laundry is on the agenda, I also am washing a few things for a client as well as some dry cleaning.

The affirmation LDS GLBT conference for Mormons is coming up or former such in September on the city of angels, a good drive down the coast, as well as some job hunting, and the fact I might have a Transgender Man or a Queer female to go with and roommate at the conference hotel, or maybe get a motel on the outskirts of los Angeles, and split fuel expenses with the trip between us, in my 4 wheel drive tailgate.

I hope things start to go through soon, which they are in partial fashion, the conference could maybe wait till next year as well.



It mind boggles that such and so many GLBT folks , and average Jill and Joes could spread so much hate and tensions in Americas most labial city is so divided and open-minded and over intellectualized. I also feel as for my own political views, and personal reasons, jail or such could be an option, I hate this country, state and would not mind pleasing no congest to a bank robbery, but no weapon, no violence and a note, and spend the rest of my life in jail for Transgender equity, deny parole and repeat over and over. I would be willing to Scarface my life for what I believe, and who I am and for others. Not even attempting to get way, I would want deportation to some place willing, I would surrender peacefully.
That is insanity and crazy talk and would likely never become a reality.

I am a noble person, honest, grateful, outgoing, and stave for independence, I talked to DT yesterday on the phone about if I ever grew old, senile or ill and lost my impedance, I don’t ever want to be in a home and have someone take care of me, financial matters or other affairs.

I also know my narcissism, pain, and drama and inner bitch is not healthy, and nor is my vigalantisim and playing the fucking victim, I even need some accountability for my own actions, life and present cirmstances.

The meeting this morning was good, mike came in again, we had two throw two people, out the police were called, and I had a bad morning, and the nightmares around the anverssy of Katrina, my recovery work on the gulf coast. Lately the nightmares are horrid. I still remeber spending time in New Orleans Pre, Post, Katrina, reliant park, minute maid park and other locations in Space city. I remeber assisting in transport of ammunition to New Orleans for The New Orleans Police Department, working search and rescure in 2005/2006 in Houston a bit for a missing child during the holidays, and also becoming and joking the drunk paaty around that time from being an al-anon.

I called my good aquances ray hill (Houston v. Hill) head of the prison show on KPFT which is occaonaily broadcast in the bay area on KPFA, came to san Francisco Jan 6, 2008 with six months of soberity lived with a friend, than lost it all when they left, I have had hard times but I am sober, and attempting to rebuild my life.

I am greatful today on
1.) Being able to express my feelings, ask for help, respect others boundaries, and also draw the line at myself
2.) Being able to deal with others sickness in a positive affirming manner
3.) Being able to do what I need to do and not bitch about it and choose to surround myself around positive individuals.

I dislike bureaucracy, government and the way of system, but I know how to work through red tape, given my customer service, leadership, and ocd, and desire for protection and being an over-achiever.

I know I try too hard, I just have so much I want to do in life, and never want to grow old, I’ll be 30 soon, but don’t look it, yada.

Anyway duty calls.









--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

5/4/08

The reality of Life, is not life it self, I found another sponsor, I want the insanity to end, I want recovery, the answer is to recovery is I dont, know. I just know what I dont want, I dont have the answers, but I find them more and more one day at a time, the fear of relpase, is not an option.

I have a somewhat busy upcoming week, I have school matters to deal with and tend to, I have some sinus problems, I feel a bit more recovered, I also need some time to work out my issues, My hair is fixed, and the currls are back again

I picked up some hygine things yesterday at my trip to the walgreens, I also have a meeting on the adgenda this morning, I ate some yougert, and am going on a new diet within reason, as well. I also am going to do more walking again, clearing my throughts in recovery.

I need to back down and stay away, I dont want more resentments and hurt, I also admited I was wrong in what I said to another TG person recently about her, and her drug uses, But I admited over reaction to an addict, I offered a meeting book, she refused, but I made pace, and made ammends, one day at time.

I know CAN be a cold blooded, selfish bitch, and very nasty, mean and minupipulative but at least, I find faut in my defects, I met someone, and I also have a new sponsor, that I feel comfortable with.,

I have some medical things, and therpey apointments this week as well and much more to do, Ive just be so very busy, I am going to turn in early tonight, and get a good workout.

Maybe read and also work on some PHP before going to bed, for the night. I also might work on my INTRANET, on my other server a bit, where I keep my life in order, and have a lot of personal information stored offsite.

I also have other things to work on, I am a bit sick and dizzy, I also figured out where the largest ANTI equity progressive church is located in San Francisco.

I also got a few respnoces from various ads I am running currently, I also composed a few other factors, and letters more recently as well

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Being Humble, Not Humble Texas

5/2/08

The reality is I love more for myself, and Had a wonderful meeting this morning, Other factors, are the reality of my life, self and understanding of self will, and enlightment for inner peace. I feel recharged, and am greatful for someone who taged me along yesteday to get stuck out of self, and co-depeandacy.

I have some step letters to work by, and found more sponsorship and my own personal jesus, I have apointments next week, I have two BBQ Invites on Sat, church on Sunday possibilly, and more to come.

I also found more of what I need and don't and hope a new friendship blossims into something more, but don't want to rush and ruin things, or develop co-dependacy, I also have backed down away from places, where I recently came off and had the displeasure while sober, and clean. Someone I have been around is not, and this person and suituion is not entirely un-avoidable, I also recetnly bitched about how Harm Reduction is librial bullshit, as are rehabs. Its my experance how I got sober.

I am pro Jail and lock up and tough drug penealitys even for casual users, but also support more customs and border enfrorcement of the large drug cartels and organised crime which smuggles drugs into the united states.

I had my moment of awakeing of my binge drinking problem, even though I was responciably, I had a realise that I might have a problem in the Harris County Jail, In Houston, texas in early 2007 and The City of Houston Jail in early 2007, I was sober shortly afterward, and made the choice to stop making bad chocies, I relpased shortly after the last Pride fest in 2007, and not at the fest but at home, after leaveing a emotionaly scarred, and abusve liviing suition and in my apartment complex.

I recently spoke to someone with the red cross, given my FEMA Deasater number, I am elggable for more aditional counceling, and I want the insainty to end, I want it to stop. I think california needs to understand the medical pot is not medicine all you are doing is allowing someone to use a federialy illegal drug, to forget their pain, there are natrual, legal, altertives.

I was hurt badly, from my accdient, workplace discrimantion, auto accident, bar fights, and tazering, and many other things, but I am stubborn like the capriororn mule I am, I know what I want and I also can be a cold hearted, selfish, stuck up bitch, with zero remosirce, its mY way or the highway, that doesnt get you very far.

I got sober the old fashioned, way I am more and very libral, and consertive on some things, I also am true to my souther roots, but also more to the spirit of the bay area. Maybe its just growing up in the south, who knows.

I am glad I burned out in insianity else where other than San Francisco, minus some drunkin trips doing money luandrying from Houston to San Francisco in my past, years ago or trips doing from New Orleans to San Francisco and Vice Versa.

I even have remebered some drunkin trips to Salt Lake City. I dont know the answers I honestly don't I just know its well not my problem and I have to move onward with life, and love of it self.

I Inivted folks to the event, and also sent others things. I might meet with my friend today as well. The others, the discovery of myself and who I am, and being and playing by the unoffical & unwrtien rules of the road to recovery and the road ahead, and getting through today is more sane and favorible than insinaity, panic and disorder.

I am very lucky to have what I have, and for that I am truly greatful and lucky, its not how much money you have, what you drive or where you live, its the heart and personal sollituide that is priceless and cant be gven, its worked and earned for in your own personal jesus, and enlilightment and personal awakeing in your moment of clarity.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/25/08

Today I am stressed out and close to buring out, I feel lost, and hurt. I feel my friend potrayed me and used, me. I feel hurt, I feel I was taken advange of, and debits not repayed. I am sober, and clean and productive but for what?

For what fucking reason?

I lost all, walked away from all, have not much to go back to. I hurt, badly and suffer daily in my soul. I try to find inner peace, joy and enlightment and progress into life.

The answer is I dont know, the answer is I cant answer, the truth is, I dont know.

I sobered, up in the reasoning of stoping drinking, I left houston because I reseneted my prior actions, I was honest with others about past actions.

I am tried of suffering, badly. I feel potrayed my good, friend was a sham, she fliped out, even when I was honest she used, me. She is lazy, and doesnt know much, but was fun. I will never become co-dependant that way again, and be used. I am afraid.

I am tired, if I cant remove my desire to drink I want to kill myself, the desire to drink or kill myself to scrafivce my safety given when I drink I am a danger to myself and others is very real. Instutuoin is not, I cant admit defeat for this reason, but I move on but death and the grim reaper is near, I am tired, hungry, lonely and sober and tired of fucking suffering.

This Document Composed by

McInnis Lee Gaetjens “Leigh”

PO BOX 425081

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94142

(713) 578-0016 MOBILE PHONE / VOICEMAIL

LEEMCG.COM / LEEMCG@LEEMCG .COM

04/24/2008 This Document composed on 4/24/2008 for the weekly meeting and upcoming board meeting

To the Board and fellowship Of the Morning Church Street Fellowship of AA 12-step meetings

Section I – The Problem

I present that Mike Has been Loud and Disrupting, and makes many members of the room feel unsafe. And further more,

• (1.) Mike Continues to carry a Illegal Concealed weapon and publicly brandish a “auto club” which is not being used for its intended purpose, and also has stated “He gets beat up and in flights, and carries it for his own protection”

• (2.) Mike carries a bottle of booze, into the meetings in his waist band,

• (3.) Mike continues to come into the rooms under the use, of drinking and crystal meth, (self-admited) and possibly other unknown illegal and mind altering substances

• (4.) Mike has made some minor threats to other women, and made many folks unsafe, and Jepordises the people who are new in sobriety (less than 18 months to 2 years)

• (5.) Mike Gets up and goes to the bathroom, (possibly to use or drink) and goes in and out, and almost constantly has been disruptive and asked to leave for the past two (2) weeks

• (6.)0 Mike has made me uncomfortable with his unwanted advances, and others as well

• (7.) On other occasions outside the meetings, Mike in recent times has ganged op on me with some of his party street friends, and others who occasionally visit the meetings. I have been pushed down the stairs, I have been aggressively panhandled, I have had my arm grabbed outside 18^th street on one occasion

• (8.) Mike has said after his threats and asking him to leave, on Monday, on Tuesday that “ I am a police informant for the homicide officer that is following him and I should be dealt with”

• (9.) I had to call the police due to mike making me extremely uncomfortable due to keeping a club, and deadly weapon as well as a empty booze bottle (very large) I called 911 from my cellular phone (713) 578-0016 two times at 7:30 am, mike was asked to leave shortly afterward, the police arrived around 8:18 AM. And said they would talk to him and left after I had another witness that was willing to back things up

• (10.) Mike has been made aware and coached on numerous occasions about his actions terrosiign the meeting and safe haven of AA and that his actions make others afraid and uncomfortable and are not acceptable behaviors.

Section II Facts

The points outlined, above state the following Facts

Facts: #1-8

• (1.) As a group which leases the Privilege to use the Space, The church that we lease from needs to be made aware of Mikes Actions due to the fact it is a insurance and personal injury liability

• (2.) The Police need to be made aware of mikes actions (by groups of us making a police report at a substation) Not doing this opens the church, and fellowship to Criminal and Civil Liability

• (3.) Mike is not mike, The drinking, drugs, and crystal meth and his described actions make Mike a Danger to the group and the continued privilege to use the rooms at the church

• (4.) We need to make the Church Administration aware of Mike and Mikes actions, to protect the church, and us as chairs and fellowship and members from Criminal, Civil Liability and as a common courtesy given we are being allowed the privilege to use the property and being good neighbors of AA. And Maybe a GSR or Central office Rep should be further consulted

PAGE 1-OF-

• (5.) Mike is a public safety hazard in the meeting, a Personal Injury hazard, to Himself, Others and The Group Fellowship of AA, and The Church, and a Civil and Criminal Liability risk due to the Reasons Listed In

• (6.) We are not helping Mike if we allow Him to Disrupt our sanctuary, and continue his self-destructive actions.

• (7.) Mikes daily actions are defeating us from our primary purpose to stay sober and stop drinking and help other members of AA, who want to stay sober, and achieve sobriety from doing such, Mikes actions are scaring away new comers, women and people with long term soberity

• (8.) Mikes & Other folks acting in Mikes manner and their actions are taking away from the time from people who want to be there,

Section III

Opinions:

It is the opinion of myself and reason Logic:

• (1.) That I don't have a problem with mike, I have a problem with Mikes actions and Behaviors both witnessed and documented and Undocumented and Unreported

• (2.) Mike is taking advantage of our kindness, to get free coffee, get out the cold, and possibly steal (a purse was stolen recently) and use drugs or spike his coffee with booze and or illegal drugs.

• (3.)Mike is using the meetings liberal spirt and forgiveness, while I genuinely do not have a problem with mike, Mike Is Not Mike The drinking, drug use, Is a danger to Himself, and others. And taking us away from those who want to remain sober, we are allowing mike to distract from the meeting

• (4.) If Mike hurts anyone we as a group members, the church, and leaders could be held labile in a wrongful death lawsuit or personal injury lawsuit

• (5.)Mike should not be allowed in the rooms carrying a weapon, or drugs

• (6.) Mike should have a set of guidelines to be allowed in the rooms for our safety as a group from physical harm, and legal and civil law suits and the church

• (7.) Mike should not be allowed to bring a booze in the meeting, Mike should not be allowed to consume coffee, continue to move around, or go to the bathroom (possibly using drugs or putting booze in his coffee)

• (8.) Mike needs to be searched going into the rooms, and listen and not move around causing disruptions

• (8B) Mike Needs professional mental health, and substance abuse treatment, we should try to have a judge or police officer 51-50 Himself

• (9.) I haw tried to be liberal in spirt with mike, even if my own past, I have been in shoes simulr to mike, it endangers my sobriety and I understand what mike is going through

• (10.) I personally believe Mike Might understand he has a problem, but cant stop his self destroying actions, I don't think he wants to harm himself, or Others. But due to his drinking and drug use He is a large danger to himself and others due to the well established unpredictably of someone under the influence of illegal substances

• (11.)Mike is distracting the meeting from its primary purpose of staying sober and stop drinking, he is causing many folks to feel uncomfortable where the meeting is not productive, and therefore not achieving its primary purpose

• (12.) We should try and make accommodations mike, with very strict guidelines and simple and for all members of the group, perhaps Intergroup or rules from First Place or another meeting could be adopted or drafted and approved my majority vote

Section IV

Suggested Course(S) of Action In Addtion to matters listed in Section III (opnions)

(a.) We Need to make it clear to Mike He Is not welcome until he can come to a meeting, not armed with a deadly, dangerous object, concealed weapon, or item which could be used as a device to harm others.

(b.) All who feel afraid by mikes actions, need to go to the police substation, Ideally as a group fellowship, to make a report against mike and his constant destructive actions.

Page 2-of-3

(c.) If Mike Is to continue to attend those meetings, a MALE member needs to be called upon, to search mike for deadly objects, drugs, booze bottles, Mike is to remain seated, and if he leaves, gets up for coffee, or goes to the bathroom, he needs to leave the property for the day and consider himself “86ed” until the next meeting and or board meeting given the groups feelings of that date.

(d.) If No one is available or willing to search mike, and Mike does not follow the guidelines above or that we set he needs to leave in a clam respectful manner, which does not disturb others

(e.) Mike needs to leave female members alone, that are afraid of him or not want to correspond with him, in his present state of mind, and this could be a confession for attending the 12-step meetings, if he can not abide by this rule he needs to be asked to leaves

(f)Mike due to safety reasons should be required to check bags until leaving, if he does not comply he should be asked to leave or if NO willing member able to provide this service he should be asked to leave.

(g.) I f Mike wants help, we should as a group, and fellowship of AA not destructing from our primary purpose, to stay sober and stop drinking. We Should if he asks for treatment or mental health assistance call SFPD to 51-50 him, or self-commit himself. Service is part of the fellowship of AA, and part of San Francisco Liberal Spirt.

(h) If Mike continues to make unwanted sexual advances, or harass or bother female members of AA, he should be asked to leave for the day.

(I) We should try and allow him to attend mike, with very strict guidelines and simple and for all members of the group, perhaps Intergroup or rules from First Place or another meeting could be adopted or drafted and approved my majority vote

(J) Everyone deserves a chance, but Mike and others are taking advance of our kindness and distracting us from Our primary purpose, to stay sober and help others, which the numerous disruptions, out bursts, sexual advances need to be addressed

(K) I also don't think other folks who have poor hygiene should be kicked out for that reason, everyone needs, AA, even the poor beggar, if they are not disruptive or a danger to the group another member should be swap places, with the offend individual, and swap chairs to minimize disruptions to the meeting in a discreet manner, its part of the unity and service portion that allows AA to work, and not all newcomers come from clean, and oak backgrounds, and is very over-judgemenal, and not very giving

50. I think application of guidelines, should be addressed on a case, by case basis in accordance with the individual and unity and service as a group at a board meeting.

.

1000. A set of concquecnes and policty guidelines needs to be estblahsed for Mikes and other possible actions for the chair and as a group for dealing with matters such as this in the future but with the group present as a whole, but not deverting into a social group, just something very simple one page and swift so the meeting can continue as quickly as possible.

Page 3-of-3

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

one day at time to zen!

4/17/08

The reality of my interpersonal growth, last night had someone around me who is obviously not working her program and falls into the GLBT spectrim, and got 2^nd stoned not by choice, and to most discomfort, had a very productive meeting and got back on my program.

NM is very co-depedant, it bitchy and shut me out and well I feel used, me remebering progress not prefection, I am powerless over other people places and things, despite the fact myself in my heart Like money, power and control and have a domnatirix, overburdending, nosey not minding my own business personallity, and am very good at being a busy body and minupulating things to my advantage or disadvantage.

The relity further more, of my interpesonal growth, enlightment and further dfevelopment of my powerless and defeat and admiting fault, and moving on into postive affirming growth and enlightment is true but also well freaky and a bit odd and obscure.

Today I recived some drivers licneseing things, and reports. I also checked out other factors, I uploaded more photos to my photobucket, Have a student Id to pick up soon, I also talked to My wonderful therpesit about things life, my transgender issues, my trnstion, anger, resentment, familty, childhood and plans for life and what and mastakes and pitfalls I made.

The reality of my personal grwothand enlightment further more explains the growth of my soul, peace and love and fist. I know more about my life, and who I am as an individual and recive peace, all of my life I have lied, cheated used and abused and minuiplutaed others, I dont know or understand real relatshionships my living in San Francisco has grown more, and even had flashbacks to my ealry minuipulation at 3 or 5 years old. Some of it I shall discuss furhter next week in theprey with my wonderful therpsit at the same bat time, same bat place, same bat channel and some regualrity, but being a predictiable creature of habbit, I have found some un-pridtcabllity but more postive, I must remain calm, focued and disiplained for my future greatfuly depends on such matters and the future of myself.

I know what I should have known than before and now, I know more about my soul, peace and love, I know who I am as a woman, and futher more an indpendant one at that. I know I am making the correct and proper choices for my future of today and tommorow, and continueing to enlightment and zen, I am right.

The also enlightment of my soul, and personal jesus, for my peace, I discover more about myself, and enlightment. I contunie to grow, and blosssom of the furits of life and being born again int the rooms and fellowship, the fights, the good times and the bad times, and progress not prefection of the rooms of AA.

I know but being quiet and listing and observing more, I make progress I know what is right and wrong, what I am and who I want to be, only time will, tell one day. I move forward.

I know I have to be quiet, listen and progress into change, and control my domnatrix personality, and my vampire personality and progress into enlightment for the soul and elightment for my peace, and keep my self-destrive, abusive to myself and others and desttive roller coaster life under wraps to keep progress not prefection.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/15/08

8:11 AM

The relaity of my chapter to my own gnosticism, and self-discovery for myself, life and enlightment for my-self will. I know more upon awakeing and grattuide. I chose my current life, and fear the unkown road ahead, but I am greatful to have physcial , mental and sober clarirty and enlightment for myself, and others around me alike, I also know more who I am as an Individual.

I am determated to make it in life and soberity. I have dec9idne per my wonderful therpisits request, I am not going to take my flight in aug, I am going to have my trcuk transported to Phonix, or possibly LA or Vegas for picking up my pick em truck. I also get to live my fantisty dream of driving down Castro Street blareing Brooks and & Dunn, wearing a cowgirl hat and boots, or maybe down near Valencia and 18^th down in the mission.

I hurt having cleairty and it is a bitch, I have this wonderful job interview this morning to look forward to In retail, at the district office for a large department store chain and the ablily long term to be able to travel to washington, oragen, texas, Arazona, and New Mexico on company business, and moight one day be able to visit the Houston Galleria and stay at the Westin inside the galleria, (I know this company takes good care of its employess)

I hope things work out, I have a few other leads at telemarketing firms, and collectrions agencys. I also payed off more debit, and Found a auto storage facility down in South San Francisco that has boats, classic cars, trucks, big jeeps, monster trucks, RV's etc.

Thats as a bonus is close to the caltrain, and Bart, and takes about an hour to pick up. And even more bencifal is its a national chain, and has a Insurance plan, which can also conevr my auto policy. \

I learned more I leanred more but being quiet and analiclyal, and learning from others. And myself. I dont know anything about the world or being sober, But I have the tools to keep sober, and maybe one day fine a joy in life again, and be happy and confidant without drinking. I hurt so good, but the pain brings recovery.

Thismoring I saw a few folks, it is also Tax, day and the IRS as up my ashe, A moive might be in order but it is cold. I am scared, scared out of my mind, I dont know who or what I am or what to do, except that I am alaive and alone. And scared, but I am sober, and have tools and other isnance people who want sanity and soberity that understand me.

I miss my father and hurt for what I said about him, last night I talked to a russian firend whom is nice, and I like, and hope things progress I dont think she drinks, but she has some insanity, I dont know why I allways end up falling for russian lesbains or they do for me, the accent is very sexy, I also fall for irish scottish lesbians. I havent dated much, she makes proigress not prefection just as I do, for myself.

All of us are insane in own own ways, others just learn to deal with it better and more postive and affirming than others, some of us falter to booze, and loose the proviage and become Aas, some of us die, got to prison, or commit sucicde, I choose life and recovery, 9 months and, 2 days, from my last drink at Catbirds in Houston, Texas. And at home, In the montrose.

I love life, and am greatful for being alive, and hope this opeertun ity pans out, It would be so cool, to get trained in the costmeticsa department, or work upsatris with other things.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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9 months and 1 day at time ( I kept coming back) It does work if you work it!

4/14/08

The relity of my chapter and meeting discovery, I am a fruad, all of my life from age 5 when I knew about my Gender issues, and sexuallity I knew more about myself, and what i had to discover for my soul and enlightment and peace for myself.

I learned more about my iinterpersonal life, and skills. I have been a lier, cheater and its in my blood my mother had AA tendancys, my father is in AA 21+ years, My mom left my dad due to his drinking. My mothers OCD and resentments for my soul and enlightment for inner peace and spirtuallity

My grandmother and uncle and inaoity have tendancys. I hurt and hurt, and hurt and bleed from the haert, I wonder why me god, I also dont want to get fucked up. LR is correct in me not takeing my trip cross country and dirivng back, this is home even if I dont have home or ever feel at home.

I am so much like my mother, one of the photos I have of her, I also look a lot like her young pretty, but quiet and relaxed. I hurt and hurt, and bleed and bleed. My parents and enlightment for my soul and inner peace hurt badly, I know what I must do even if I didnt do it.

Oddcly enough I got missed and mamed a bit more, I also was told by someone else”dont you wish the city and police would do something with the homeless people” what I ask, you cant do much, the vast majority are chonicle drunks and dug addictis and nut jobs who dont want help or are relapseing.

Its not I think I am better its I think being a transgender lesbin and woman, I need more enlightment I am not better I just dont think I should center my life around being transgender, I want some degree of steleth. I talked to DLG about transpostrintg my truck to phonix, LAX or other points of intrests.

This morning upon awaking I noticed a ford f-150 with Texas Truck plates that has a harris county tax sticker. I also met someone here thats not sober that I used to drink with in various places Chances, Slick Willies, Fitzgerlads, Numbers, Rudyards, The Posion gir, the jet lounge, the engine room, 1415 california all in Houston.

I grew up and got sick and tired of the same old bullshit and insanity with my higher power and own personal ejsus christ, I look very young professional today, I hope to get this job at the department stores down town, maybe long term get to travel again, They are the disctrict office and cover California, Oregaon., Washington state, Texas, New Mexico, Arazona. I have high hopes, dreaps and faith in a higher power.

I also know I need to shut up more, and listen and yo ureach enlightment, I have a cursh as of late, I dont know what it is with irsh girls, russian girls, and euro girls, and also haspanic women. Blah, I have many chruchs but I am not read for such things

The homeless guy who pushed me down the esclatro and ran off in UN plaza, who harasses me, stalks me at various coffee shops aorund church, castro, mission and has groped me on MUNI and BART that was throughn out of our lady of safeway morming meeting who gangs up with he 2 friends, I am not going to be intimited.

I also have more and more for my soul, and enligitenment and inner peacer and spiruality, the faithful fools was ewnjoyable more recently. I also resisited temptation and shed tears of inssanity, anger, resentment ,a d lonelyness and resentment to self, based on actions in my dealings with indidualvisl, support groups, the GLBT community and expeccailly the Houston Transgender community.

I hurt and hurt and am sick and tired, I am still 27 years young, and in good health, some of my health issues are I am blemica and anroxnic at times, I have to force myself to eat sometimes, I cryed so hard yesterday. I also blled tears of lonelyness, resentment, pain and suffering.

I have not been geitng enough joy and lesaure, the skin peeling on my face worrys be dearly, they ruled out HIV again <>

I also enclose more about my enlightment for my self, and know more who I am as an indvivudal, and peace. I am very at peace with my soul, and inner womanhood.; Luanna is right the trip is a bad Idea, I need some r&r and rest a movie might be in order today.

I admit I am scared shitless, I would rather die, than drink or go back to my insaity, I wonder about meds and being straight-edge vegan lifestyle. I wonder if a psyc dr pescribes it is it wrong, If i need it to live a normal productive life, they are tyring to adjust things and get me help. I do ok with my PTSD with good biofeedback and medation.\

I had a discharge from my chest a bit today, and my back hurts, my body hurts, its burr cold, and the interview and work might be well rewarded. I also know an SRO, residance hotel, or otjher things despie being down on my luck, the economy being hard, I ams till somewhat more conseroitve given my upbringing.

Furthermore, I miss the Church of Jesus Christ, of Latter Day Saints. I miss the feelwship, I made an attempt to contact the bishiop and more, I keep reacing further rnlightment for my soul and innner peace.

Myself, I had good nights sleep and rested well last night, I am awake I ate some (gasp) junk food today and meat, given when I was a young 20s club girl, I got addicted to jack in the box tacos, and well yum for 99 cents and a diet coke thats entertainment and creams my yummy button.

The relaity of my interpersonal development and innet personal peace for my self, and what I need to further development of the interpersonal reality and self- awakeing foi myself anmd enlightment for my life and what I need to develop for my self and enlightment.

The further chapter to my own conseritve views, and indpeance and lack of comfot both physcall and mental and my enlightment for my soul, and enteratin ment for myselof and inner peace.

I had the degenratioin of society and what, i need for myself, the disgusting idots who reak of booze, and can not keep up with my intlect, I am to prety and smart to settle for less, or I would rather die alone.

Given the uncertainity of mylife, and fuiture, and the constant struggle with depression, PTSD (post trumatic stress disroder) and Sucide. I hurt, I hurt knwoing what I had a friend, a job, and a futre flushed down the toilet. I dont know whats wrong, or how to stop, I just know how to get rhough today, one day at a time.

I want more for myself, and enlightment for my inner peace and work for myself, I updated the web server a bit today, and plan to rest after the interview and life and future for myslef, I get sidetracked.

I am scared, lonely, tired, unry andf sick and a stubborn suck up barbie, and Lowered the bottom to humble myself and remember the past, look though today, and work hard for a proud, productive, sucessful rebirth;

I am scared of life and lviing, and being alive , but also am greaftul for my soberity, life, fuutre, beauty and brains.

The other factor of myself and working toward a brighter and better future is well, life and life it self, is good for the most part, it just takes time, one day at time. I keep coming back.

I am me, leemcg and need fun, rest and also some work and play, maybe I should reward myself, and stick things out I was in two fedrial disaster countys and zip codes, I have other things the womens shelter, friends and other things work well, I stick it out for better or worse, keeping faithful for a future or possible future, I want it all or nothing, i want life and enlightment for myself, and what i need for me.

I am ashamed of my past, my friends and familys trans-phobia. I hrut and suffered for years, I tried to be someone I wasnt I dont know anymore, I hagve to rebrith and also in recovery of my drinking problem, I have 9 months and 1 day sober, and thtas something to be fucking proud of myself, pat myself on the back, kick off my shoes and relax, be good for me for once.\

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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One day at time, progress not prefection

4/13/08

Today 9 months ago I stumbled into the rooms at LAMBA center not far from where I took my frist drink and went from AL-anon to AA in ealry 2006. and quit of my soberity date of friday july, 13^th 2007, My life had its ups and downs.

I attended a good meeting this morning and had breakfast. I slept ok a bit late, my body and health is in not that good shape, Im afraid of dieing, not as much death but not knowing whats wrong with me physcally.I am afraid, of not being in control or having knowlage.

I came to San Francisco, on Jan 6^th 2008 with high hopes a fresh start and dreams and have started to live the calfiornia dream, I am insecure and hurting, because of transgressions and refusal to admit defeat in Houston., I also picked up some co-dependants, by raseing the bottom, and learned more even though I know nothing. Even though other than myself the meeting was a bit dead, the 5 folks there (myself conuted) it was one of the best meetings I have been two all week, in addaion to our lady of safeway morning meeting where most folks there have their own personal jesus, and a few queer LDS Folk who I find mildly amusing.

It stinks to some level to be in the under 35 crowd and be staight edge and sober. But I have something most folks in my age range dont, peace, love, enlightment and grattudie and faith in a higher power as I understand her and my godess and own personal jesus.

Speaking to the LDS missioanrys here about the biship my faith and wanting to estbalhs a relatshionip with the bishop and talk on the phone, and concuidering rejoining the church despite my views and transgressions and possible excommcation. I just want to talk and be friendly.

I dont know what I belive anymore, and refuse to accept and put power over to orgnsited relgion, but I am more open to it. I am more willing to talk and concider it.

I still feel weak, I slept well, had a wonderful shower and walked a bit and rode muni to my destnation and reached further enlightment for my soul and peace for myself.

I loved more for who I am as an indidviudal and my inner peace I find more about myself, and learn more day to day. I spoke to AC and CEQ and PMG and DLG, I did laundry, I might go to church. I might rest, I might finish installing V-Builltan on my webserver its uploaded and I have to do some configuration details. I also am concdering using another server with leemcg.com for some of the databases and apps I am working on and miroor and collebation sutes in the backround on other Ips and hidden logins and some public for resocures and various groups mailing lists and things like majordomo and listservs on my server.

My site in one year gets 2000-3000 hits a month thats progress and the wow factor. I know more eveyrhting I think I know is wrong, I got side tracked and well Know I am loved in San Francsico, Houston and New Orleans even if I am a bit quiet and hermit much as my mother.

I love more about myself. And know more who I am as an indidvudal I know more about myself, my faith in a higher power and god of my understaning for my soul, peace and love.

I know I am vbeing alone and iuts not a good thing, I just am afraid and need time to sort things out in my own way (sober) and Ill come back, I applied for more things and got more done, its the dizzyness, and confusion andf passing out from fatigure, and low bloodpressure, my docoter gave me some diet tips, and health and fitness and more waring signs, and told me to avoid stress and anger.

I must reamin dispalp0ined both in aa, my financal life, personal life, collage life, work life, starting over, and doing whats right. I am addcited even before I become an aa, My grandmother na duncle have addictive traits and personallitys.

From pack Rating, to food, to being a right wing nut job, we are all addits in our own way.

I know I am vbeing alone and iuts not a good thing, I just am afraid and need time to sort things out in my own way (sober) and Ill come back, I applied for more things and got more done, its the dizzyness, and confusion andf passing out from fatigure, and low bloodpressure, my docoter gave me some diet tips, and health and fitness and more waring signs, and told me to avoid stress and anger.

I must reamin dispalp0ined both in aa, my financal life, personal life, collage life, work life, starting over, and doing whats right. I am addcited even before I become an aa, My grandmother na duncle have addictive traits and personallitys.

From pack Rating, to food, to being a right wing nut job, we are all addits in our own way. I just am dizzy, confused and lighead, but focused sober and fatth restroed (Not LDS) but pro\gress not pefection and the godess as I understand her keeps on ticking one day at a time.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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4/12/08

The reality of myself, I picked more about my soul and inner peace. I picked up new maps, took care of a few legal, banking and matters for the summer session at collage. I hurt badly, My body does ache, its bloody hot today.

I also took a trip and pondered a few other things, I feel like life is well a mixed bag of sorts inbetween up and down. I know what I want out off life, and in typical lee mannerism I will go to any matter or means to achive it all or nothing sort of like vegas baby.

Spoke to FN today about life CP did not sell the house in Cypress recently and more

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

04/09/08

MUNI was slow today, due to the rail slow-down, today I had lots of VEGAN black bean soup and salad and VEGAN pepper-corn bread. I also had a smoothie as well. I went to a meeting and fellowshipped with other insanity to keep us sane and grateful.

I composed some info on my site, turned in a release form to the womens clinic. I also composed a few other options, coded and backed up some of my site, I took care of some banking and finance issues, and composed more info. I have to pick up my student ID in a few weeks as well.

I coded more of my site, and started with my forums a bit. I composed more and more, today, and did some walking, I made a stop at COSTCO as well, and have a few stops tonight, after my meeting and other factors as well. I also looked at a few places, and made further preparations for my trip, drive and other issues.

I also have to mail some forms to the IRS, DPS AND A few other issues, meet with my legal counsel regarding some dark chapters in Texas, and resentments, get forms for TSA officials and my flight, and a few other issues. After My student ID and the loans and application process I should have a large quantity of my stress relived.

Some of my gratitude got the best of me, I reacted in-appropriately more recently, to a action of a non sober person on market street, and I did some thing naughty only between my higher power and I shall tell. I composed a few other misc, letters and sent a few cards out, cleaned out junk, and wrote more code.

I also reloaded my MP3 player, made arrangements to close some dark finical chapters as well, and move forward, I admit I am afraid but I don't have to be.

tell. I composed a few other misc, letters and sent a few cards out, cleaned out junk, and wrote more code.

I also reloaded my MP3 player, made arrangements to close some dark finical chapters as well, and move forward, I admit I am afraid but I don't have to be.

I ALSO ran into some missionary today, and some members of the LDS church on the muni streetcar today and the underground muni Line, I had a rough day due to the infamous Olympic tour, which was not the end of law & order in San Francisco as predicted, and Liberty and justice for all was preserved, and anarchy was not starter nor was world war III.

Today was pretty much Like I like it these days, stress and dramma free, and peaceful and uneventful.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

-

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

The reality of life and my own self-awakeing is, I hurt, I also think as an AA, and an al-anon I know someone who is in denial, I see it and befriend her, but know the signs of a functioning drunn even if she doesnt use anymore, she drinks. I dont know how to handle this, and actully I am powerless over, I had a productive meeting with someone who was going into treatment, and went to part of the tuesday meeting at the center last night.

I reseted well, its burr cold today, and I have some apointments and to get my health bacj in orde3r, thursday is sort of busy as well, I also have to go down to the collage this week, I took care of changing some finical re3cords and other matters recently as well., the privacy laws at my new docotr is amazeing I love this clinic much better.

Im feeling less moody and bitchy as of late, and feeling better, I also am being more quiet and listing more, I canned my sponsor unofficaly I need someone else to work with I think, maybe Ill work with him or her, having a genderqueer sponsor is a bit amuseing. I found amusement this moring in some crackhead going nuts while I was on the phone with DLG more recently, Ive been getting some odd hits on my web server, with my mulitplie monitoring tools, as well as a secure page whom I cracked again

I also need to meet with my atty, I regesitered to vote, and have to pick up my student ID soon which is cool, I get discounts for somethings with a student ID, I also think I am going to get medical paper wpork done, I also get more and more aquaired and fnished.

I found that everything I knew is wrong, much as folks told me, My temptations were tested and I proudly rejectet on the eve of 9 months sober, I had a yummy poppy seed donut with lemon iceing this moring and some wonderful dark roast coffee for breakfast. I feel good for myself. I am feeling a bit better and less sick.

I dont drinki anymore, though yesterday I was offered a glass of merlot and proudly refuserd. I also understood something, I need to be more optimetic, less bitchy and more focued and a bit more private and less co-dependant. I disocvered this from a russian friend and aqyuaince whom I have a found attraction to and we hang out some of the same places, and cofffee shops and diners on occasion.

I also dreamed of doing the boot scotting boogie recently and ordered more documents recently as well. I have some more things to prepare for my upcoming trip, and tasks t0o finisyh. I swear I was close to buring out recently

I am good and have to call the other place today and focus on a few things before catching my train inward to my goal and achivement for today, I have much to fnish for today, id di sleep late but I went back to doing the vegan thing and progressing toward inner peace, and enlightment. I filled out the release forms more recently and contunie to the path to ernlighment and mvoing forward.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

-

04/06/08

The reality of my life and what I understand, I hurt and hurt and hurt and if I dont feel better soon, I made a choice and plan of action on how to deal with my resenemtns in a manner which wont harm anyone. I am hurting because I hurt myself in houston, and wore out my welcome the memories are too painful to live there, and in my reality of what I need to do you me, I know more about myself, life and fear, soberity and death.

I have resenemtns toward myself as listed in a few prior posts a few days ago I know more about my future, I hope things get better but I have a plan “D” if it doesnt if A,B,C dont work should I stay or go, or spin around like a record.

I have prayed pondered on this issue, and meditated deaply in my heart mind and soul, and know the answer to life and enlightment for my soul and what life ensures, and the path of enlightment and zen and what I need to do for me, not anyone else. Even though It might be a loss.

I spin round toward the golden gate below, and fire down below.

From California to New Orleans, to Harvey, to Brooklyn, and Mepmphes, and Houston and Now san francisco.

She fires up her pick up truck the last time, boards a plain in faith, and enlightment for the soul

Takes a leap of faith sober and dies in the waters down below

The church of jesus christ of latter day saints is true to a degree, but they dont accept me.

I jump off the bridge in faith drop down below into life and die in faith

Maybe to be re-united in heaven or not or hell, who knows what only time and faith will tell

I pull the trigger for the pain, and resenemts I caused others pull the tigger and jump down in pain

Death is only footsteps away, now I shoot myself in pain, and I dont have to hurt anymore, dieing in pride, I send a letter of pride and ammends, and love and honesty in the death of rain, one year sober allomost she self-termantes and sends off in joy of the afterlife and other side

just a poem I wrote, I am doing well and alive, and have things to do, before later today.

I have prayed pondered on this issue, and meditated deaply in my heart mind and soul, and know the answer to life and enlightment for my soul and what life ensures, and the path of enlightment and zen and what I need to do for me, not anyone else. Even though It might be a loss.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Keep coming back, progress not prefection one day at a time

04/05/08

The reality of my life and chapter to my own gnostic and self discovery and awareness, is the fact I know more about myself than I ever did before, I learned more and more about life myself, and where and who and what I am as an individual, I know more now than I knew before, I know who I am, and where and what I am as a person and where I want to be in life, I know more about myself I also know more about my interpersonal life.

I am feeling good I have a meeting planned this morning, I am hurting as of late, I have laundry on the agenda, after My early morning meeting this morning, I am, tired of more and more of what I do, and need to for myself and what must be done for my soul, and what I need to do for myself, I am tried of hurting folks sometimes are nasty to me, and I understand more about myself. I want more for my soul. I hurt my body is falling apart in the cold.

I miss my family and other folks, I hurt more and more for my soul, I also hurt more knowing what I must do, for my soul. I also remember what I must do for myself, and life and enlightenment. I also remeber stupid things I did before, and in Houston. My biggest resentment is myself, and actions. I hurt often but I look forward with high hopes and optimism for myself and interpersonal growth.

I started composing some letters I need to send to Houston (4^th step) . I walked away, its the most adult thing I ever did my whole, Life, i felt unloved and alone there much as I do there, but I don't burn bridges here, I don't know why I hurt, I am smart, I also have a crush that I don't think would happen.

I discovered some more trans-phobia today when enjoying coffee more recently, some folks are nice to me, others are assholes, bitches and etc. I also just feel wok, The meetings make me feel better, i went to the doc on Thursday and talked about Christan and said the Prozac made my PTSD and depression worse, I hurt more and more. I also ran into a friend of mine recently, I am afraid of taking my trip soon as well, I feel overloaded more and more for my soul.

I push myself, hard, I have a plan to reach of enlightenment. I am a bit fearful of my trip, and angry of life and what I am as a person, progress not perfection, I wish I could share parts of my plan, but sometimes you have to make drastic choices during drastic measures. Maybe I will figure it out later today. I'm tried of this body, I'm tired of the physical and emotional pain, my health is in decline. And I am tried of hurting because I made others suffer. I was wrong and I have a plan to do some right with awareness, it might bring shame, but I would get my 15 seconds of shame. And make the history books, or at least contribute something more meaningful to the world awareness, fighting trans-phobia, and drawing attention to our cause.

I don't like the vigilantism spirit, or the pain, but on the other hand,. I need to vent and bitch the world wide web, at least maybe folks understand me or want to grow further in my faith and higher power\

The other factor is more of myself and reaching further enlightment for my inner soul and actions for myself. I know more for who and what I am as an individual and what Needs to be done for me, the path to progress not prefection, eating, resting, and remebering to access and think and use the 12-steps when angey or lonely and go to a meeting, and be honest and ask for help and admit defeat when I need to.

Regardless today I am greatful to have gone out with folks thismoring, to have a warm bed, a roof over my head, be sober, and well fed, and going to meetings I enjjoyed chapter 13 of the first edtion of the big book 4^th edtion, I keep comeing back it works!

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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