life and fear of the unkown and step work and well honesty and faceing the fear factor in step 1 again

buch photo of me in the mirror

Here is a scene from the set of Milk starting sean penn about the White Night riots and start of the GLBT movment in San Francisco showing homophobia and transphobia in the late 1970s

02/10/08

I hurt k owning the wrong in my heart and soul, the pain I caused myself, others and life around me. Not in resentment, I have fear, fear of going back out, loneliness being selective at who I deal with as I only want positive relationships and affirming ones.

I hurt k owning I am only want taste away, from going back out, drinking, using and abusing myself. I know I only have and hurt so much, I am tried so, sick and tired of hurting day after day life after life, k owning it only takes a smell of the booze and cesspool to bring someone out to bring the evil back in me.

I hurt seeing all these folks that don't have what I have clarity, I hurt knowing I do but could loose it, I hurt knowing my family, friends and aqauinces don't get it. I hurt because of fear of the unknown. I also am amazed at the amount of drinking and drugs that goes on, San Francisco is a lot like New York but more lib rail, devrese and both right wing, and left wing and psychotic nut jobs.

Folks who gave up and submitted to the bottle as I did, folks who destroyed and lost all. I miss folks, family , friends. Not in resentment but I was wrong, I wrote a letter of honesty, for things I am not sure if I did or not, but had to let go and share even with this person I hurt dearly, it hurt me more to compose the letter, I hurts to bleed tears of pain at how wrong I was.

Another spiritual experience I will share, is I am afraid, overloaded and tired, I feel like I don't want to take advantage of others, myself, be hurt any more, and I want to quit hurting. The experience I share of, is well my own life I don't know why I hurt, I want to quit hurting, day and night. I want the dreams and flashbacks to stop, I had another nightmare, I don't remember it much,

I know in my heart I did the right thing, I experience these dreams of being hurt over and over, of seeing the destruction of rita and Katrina from Mississippi to Louisiana to Texas. I hurt remebring being abused, I hurt with my own stereotypes and hate inside burning sometimes from not having any justice, from beefing afraid to make a stand. I hurt and put that to my higher power, my abuser reminds me so much of me, I'm tried of siting in the same place night after night leaping life to la-la land. I'm tired of hurting, dreaming, and suffering in my heart mind soul and body.

I don't want the drama, suffering and pain and well destruction anymore, I feel focus and reality is distorted more and more whats real and whats not, will I have a future and life, I don't want to drink, but folks don't understand what its like. I cry myself often, in shame for things I did, and didn't do. I am suffering kinda, and just tried of the bullshit, and pain. I want the suffering to end.

I don't know why I suffer maybe its knowing I was wrong for what I did, I did what I did because I was afraid, I went crazy, I enjoyed the panic, chaos and disorder. Insanity became the norm, when I could not get it, I moved on. Into sobriety, I had a ex prance of well maybe the drinking will kill me, maybe 90% of folks drinking, or drugs where involved in the court system even if they did not want to admit defeat to submission to the problem.

I hurt knowing I am wrong for what I did and did alone, I know the end of the tunnel is in sight, I am so tired of hurting and being in pain, day in and day out at night. My pain partially is gone, I got what I wanted a fresh start, but on the other hand, I uh lost more.

There was one encounter or phobia to some degree, I still have some phobia of law enforcement, fire, ems. I don't know maybe its one encounter for help and meeting a trans phobic cop, a rarity in san Francisco. But never the less they do exist. I have pain. I just learned not to show my fear of the unknown and the few that are transphobic assholes, most are nice. And I have no reason to fear them.

I'm hurting I don't know why Iam afraid, of the road ahead, but I know if I hang tough Ill be ok

I went to a meeting I had not in the past few days, and I observed and am working a 1^st step, I am afraid to ask for help, I am afraid of hurting folks again, I am afraid of people and being social. I'm not as much as afraid of myself, but afraid of relapse, and becoming the nasty, mean, hateful, resentful, insane, bitch, person I once was. I am afraid of hurting others and repeating past transgressions, I am jelious of others because I am lonely or get numbers and meet people but don't follow up or make friendship or keep it, other than my present sponsor.

Heres a more butch photo of me in the mirror at a coffee shop

Ive cut back on my eating went out to dinner with a friend last night, ate to much :-(

Called my sponor this morning and got out my pity party and went to a good GLBT meeting maybe the alano club was a bit much

I also took some more photos and firends, cleaned out my hard drive and played some counterstike I might start playing counterstrike pro again.

I also have some documents and copys to mail tommorow amongst other tasks at hand.

I am going back to eating once a day and drinking tea and coffee more a bit.

The weather is vastly improveing desireable.

I updated some code on LEEMCG.COM and started to build a San Francisco On-Line Transgender community much as Christan has at Transhouston.com with some of the server extentions I installed long ago, have documents to mail to texas and Louisiana and to meet with the transgender lasison officer next week and a therpey apointment as well with my new wonderful therpsist who is also transgender iminage that and a little older than me but around the same age group.

Im getting old soon to be out of the 25-30 crowd :-(

Have a crush and dateing prospects, but Im not busy. and I have some resentments and even jeliousity but Im dealing with it in a better manner than past transgressions (no pun intended)

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Life in the sunshine state to the Lone star State finding Zen enlightment and my trueself

01/31/08

The reality of the truth I created, called RH to wish him a happy birthday of 49 years of severity. Ray hill is one of my heroes even though he is 2000 miles away. Did some research on bringing my pickup truck to California sometime in the fall after I get settled, made contacts at the city collage for schooling, and becoming A+ certified, and going to school for IT.

Had a friend who works in Law Enforcement check out my father, I figured out why I see him often and on occasion. He lives near the GLBT center, and lives in san Francisco and moved back int eh city, my dad needs to do some step work as do I with him. I wont bitch to much about that.

Went to a meeting this morning, and took care of business, and have other plans later today, spoke to a few friends, and have appointments and tasks to finish and at hand. I also called my folks, and took care of other affairs.

I'm going to have to get my truck weighed by a weighmatser or moving and storage company. And other tasks. Lucky for me its a California emissions model. And even the engine and intake mods are CARB approved. Made a few new friends.

Got a case manager at the Tg drop in center, and have other tasks, I also downloaded some DPS and Legal forms for the California DPS, and did some filming and 2^nd work for the movie Milk about the Harvey Milk riots of the late 1970s and start of the modern GLBT movement.

The city and state has apportioned funds for Transgender employment, and collage maybe I will get some of the funding I watched the press conference in city hall, I was coming from the library and met some cool Trans gender activists and lobbyists, I also did some research and might be able to get employment, for a lobbyist group for HRC and fighting for trans gender rights and awareness and get paid to do such, educating and informing employers, businesses and places on Trans gender awareness.

Today I was walking down the street and I saw a jody foster look alike, looked darn near close it might have really been her who knows I was in the Castro, and now shes out and proud. The San Francisco Public Library has a large collection of GLBT books, magazines and media that amuses me and much on coding and web development.

I had some of the documents sent over and shall see, my friend might have some shoes for me later. I also am worried about my friend, I also feel some folks with their phobia, and found a girl who acts like I used to, and very unladylike like and disgusting and a embarrassment to women and trans-women.

It amazes me sober, the drug culture out here, and folks walking down the street smoking pot like its a cig. Or the hard drugs I see the messed up trans folk, LSD, Heroin, PCP, meth, crack, coke, XTC, etc.

But the LSD and other hard stuff is amazing, and also amazing when someones walking down the street smoking pot how strong it is compared to the southern states, I'm glad to be clean, and sober and almost 7 months, and have what others don't hope, faith and a possibly better future and brighter tomorrow.

I miss my folks, I miss being able to talk to my grandmother, and folks about things, and my grandmother continues to use improper pro-nouns in me, I get missed a lot more or “miss” more and more out here., I'm tired of it, I wonder if its worth it. I have a few dating prospects some good, right now I need to work on me. One outside the city a bit in the countryside, and in the hot hills where A/C is the norm unlike SFO.

I also miss my friends, mentors. Carter, sonny, other folks at LAMBA some I had a crush on, I miss Taft Street, I miss Inversion, Hollywood Bistro, Catalina Coffee, Cafe Artiste, I miss going to various churches in Houston, The Quakers, UU, MCC and the liberal baptist Church miss late night runs to Kroger, I miss wal-mart, target, the resale shops on westheimer, I miss montrose, I miss pride. I'm feeling better and getting over my cold. I miss Nancy B, Kathy F, other folks. I miss 80s music, I miss county music, I miss Gothic, punk, dance, industrial.. I also Miss Dave from Lamba, and Danlle, Kam, and others from my past.

I also hope one day, Christan W, Lilly R, and others I harmed, did nasty things to with my drinking and substance abuse one day we can become friends or I can be welcomed back, I am out here roughing it and building a new life for myself, to ensure sobriety. I think after time one day I might show up to one of her TG meetings in about 5 years maybe on a vacation or so. I miss Texas, and have long term amends to make but I love (SFO) but I need to do the right thing by those I wronged.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)