Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens Blog - WWW.LEEMCG.COM: gothic

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Thursday, July 31, 2008

*** amendment***

To explain, further discovery of myself fact of life and who I am as an individual and interpersonal enlighten for myself. I had a wonderful thereby session today, was very progressive. I also discussed plans for my future long term and short.

Also my feelings of cutting ties to some people, places, groups, non-profits in San Francisco and the GLBT community due to disagreement with advertising, promotional material, and differences in policial opnion and outreach strategy.

My viewpoints have reached a point where I don’t care, I have been asked why do you post your personal information on the web? Well the answer is, my site is like my children, maybe I want to leave my fruit in the world, my ideas, in the depths of Google, various site robot indexers, search engine archives, blog archives to leave my views.

My views on some issues have changed a few years later, for example I used to be anti-abortion now I am pro abortion, I agree aborting in prices is wrong, but allow it due to the fact many children for adoption and also individuals make mistakes, not every child is adoptable and with black market babies for sale.
The harsh truth is, I believe its better to terminate a life and child, rather than to allow it to positional be abused in foster care, group homes, adoption, or being sold or used for illegal or immoral reasons. People make bad choices and mistakes, and some individuals give abortion a bad name, and therefore hold or to a higher power and your own personal Jesus, the individual accountable, and maybe deny folks who have more problems and over-breeding children though bad choices.

Another viewpoint is, I used to be very pro firearm and violence, while I still am, I think that mentally encourages viligianitism and further gun violence, but even if you take the firearms away, the criminals still have them will use them, as a small business sewer, single person, the reality is the police can’t be everywhere, and you have a right to protect yourself.

I think so called “hard-reduction” is liberal garbage, wasting taxpayer money, I think harm reduction should be a orange jumpsuit, time in county jail and meetings behind bars. It is what reformed my life, I think California and the liberal(s) that are allow San Francisco Bums to abuse the system, is wrong and a disgrace, just recently a guy got 3 days jail for assault on a police officer, a guy who has been arrested for aggressive panhandling, drunk and disorderly, resisting arrest, carrying a concealed weapon, and even committed for mental health.

You Can’t help someone whom does not desire, wish or want to help themselves, forced reform and sobriety is a waste of time spend time in Civic Center, Church Street Upper Market. 6th street beaten market and mission, go walk through the tenderloin, or lower mission or lower height-Ashbury and witnessed the waste.

Gavin Newsom has the right princely, but under his care not cash program her hurts folks more, and hold people accountable for help, demand accountbalotyu for funds. Don’t just put someone in a room, with a number on the door in utter poverty and warehouse.

The work program is good for that, but I think even random drug and substance abuse testing for shelter beds, would be a superb idea, or segregation based on sobriety shelters with “zero-tolerance Policies” and concept to random testing, on a lottery system based on prior history, criminal history, and maybe even check for warrants.

You are giving someone a warm bed, a hot meal for FREE why not ask for something in return? Or if you want more services and comfort why not consent to testing, why allow individuals who abuse san Francisco overly liberal policies to abuse the system, at tax paper expense, individuals who want help who are sober, and clean, individuals who work, individuals who are doing the right thing.

The system as of now, allows no-accountability for actions, it allows individuals to abuse the system to reinforce their negative actions and behaviors, at the expense to public safety, health, crime, public nuisance, and promotes partition, drug use, robbery, auto theft, breaking & entering, property crime. While supporting others form bottoming out at the expected of Tax Payers to the City & County of San Francisco and you me, the guy who strugglers to feed his family, the young collage girl, the elderly sleep in the cold, trying to make ends meet and start over.

Global fuel, cost of living, expanse are increasing for the social
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The reality of myself, the reality about my life. I have not slept as well, I missed my train this moring and had to reset my apointment, my health is ok, The dizzyness, confusion, and misunderstadning and blured vision, and dislexia, is scaray. I talked to my wonderful sponsor. The reality of myself, I am still sober, and contunie to progress, and still grow in myself.

I know who I am and know what, I am, I know I don’t have to drink on my airline flight, I don’t have to drink on my drive back to san Francisco from New Orleans International, I might visit my folks, friends, and go to the NOLA Lamba Center, and also pick up my 1 year chip ta Lamba Houston, Visit Phoxix, and Los Angeles, or I might just go through Oklomaha, and bypass old slipperly places, where the wiskey drowns to the oasis, and firneds in Low Places. But I am going to fire up my pick up truck and let all 385 horsepower roll, but not have the wiskey, and smoke, but maybe the women, Get down turn around back to San Francisco.

I reset my appointment, also Have a legal clnic to attend to for transgender women, I also know for me,and what My body needs.

On top of that I was offed on a forum, it sucks, that I can understand I am having verbal and some writien commucation problems, I am afraid of my health, but I am fighting this and for my indpedance, the nightmares have started again. I feel I am flipping out, I am also very afraid, and probelly going to stay alone, until the doctor figures out whats wrong, the blackouts scare the shit out of me, dearly, I admit to being afraid. I also know it turns people off, I cant understand where time goes, sometimes on a task I feel confused doing a task over and over. I am afraid, I don’t understand whats wrong with me.

I also have a trip to the IRS office, to deal with some tax issues, I feel as if my body does not have the entergy, I almost passed out again today. But I have faith things will get better slowly but surely one day at time. The doctors think its stress, lack of sleep, eating, and general just major stress and pressure and deadlines, and learning to cope with life again without drinking.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I feel as if my helath is better, but my body is falling apart, I am alive outside, but dead in soul. I remember things, painful things I need not remember, physical, emotiuonal tramma, and also the dizziness, and blackouts, like I am on a boat in rough tides, I feel lost at sea, when I walk and move, I am very afraid.

It hurts, I have this anger, rage, and emotions built up, and my mind is slipping sometimes, It scares me deeply, that I haven’t lost my marbles yet. I got sober and than Have to deal with this bullshit, why the fuck me?

Anyway, I am going to get through this, one day at a time, the nightmares have started, the nausuia, the blurred vision, confusion, loss of words, on pen and paper, I feel I am getting sick, theres something wrong with me and the doctors, cant figure out what, they agreed to do a blood work, MRI and Catscan, regardless, I am going to take my trip against medical advise, I must keep moving and do what I need to do for me, a trip to the post office, and maybe the IRS today might be in order.

I admit I am depressed, some days I eat once a day, and I have an eating disorder, But I am fighting this, and I am not going to drink, I am buring bridges, but at least I am aware of it and respecting bounderies, I just feel so sick, and I don’t want to drink, and I also feel dizzy and have trouble visually, vebraly focusing, which is why I compose some here, and some elsewhere, for my doctors or incase I become incapasetaed, I feel my health is delicneing, I feel Like I am dieing of something, and the doctors cant find out what. Something is physicaly wrong with me, some think its stress, which could be correct.

I just want the suffering to end, one way or another.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The reality of enlightment for myself, and inner peace is slow, hard and painful though the good bad and ugly. I know as of late, I have been a utter, cold hearted bitch, but at least, I manged to keep my pain under some type of control, but alas I am sliping and moving forward.

I feel as if socitys over judgemental, hate, AND insane librials do much, not to say I am not libral in my own ways, just there comes a point of well takeing action.

Anyway I was successful in fileing my paper work and the bay area reporter will publish such documents in compliance with legal bull shit.

I ate sort of ok, and need more water but for the most part am doing quite well and plauable.\

I went to my meeting, have a few errands to run, and also have a few other spots. The blackouts, confusion, and irritabely are not as bad. I look forward to getting a MRI & CATSCAN, I feel as if my medical condtion at birth has worsened. I feel as if I am slipping. I want the insane things to end. I also feel very alone, and helpless, and don’t want pity or someone to do for me. I don’t like asking for help, but I don’t want to drink anymore, I want recovery and some of us are sicker than others, I want the pain to end, I want recovery and healing and inner most enlighment.

I want more for myself, and life, and enlightment and inner most peace, and want more and more recovery, and want more of a soul, and enlightment for my innerself.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Progress not prefection and living large, and the Big book reloaded

5/11/08

The reality as of late, I have been a utter bitch to fellow friends of bill w, I am scared shit less, my PTSD and flashbacks to hurricane Katrina, my sexual assault, abuse by co-workers, workplace discriamntion, sins against other GLBT folks, sins against other Transgender.

I just want equity and some degree of stealth, I hate living someplace with so many TG folk, I long term urn from working from 5^th wheel in the mountains of Montana, with my big diesel guzzling 4x4 pickup truck, being a full time river, and coming to San Francisco, or living in rural northern California.

I had another female show interest in me, right now I am going though some spiritually tough times, I have been a utter bitch, and being very overly judgmental and stereotypical. I was wrong, and have a step letter to compose to a few folks, CCC-Dan, Frank-The dock, the alano club.

I feel unwelcome, its not other people, not being screamed at, hit or when I am is utterly traumatic, I just need to find inner peace, which I am doing better at., My therapist and I discussed finding balance, the young guy at the community center, talked to more I printed my name change documents, and I might have more to do, I've also though given my many contacts, friends and aquances, i might (again) follow in my mothers footsteps to get work and maybe transfer back to san Francisco, still stay a san Francisco resident.

As of late, I feel a bit well moody, it hurts with some of my friends I self destructed, I have had flashbacks to my past, and resentments, yet I am still sober, I also finally convinced my doctor to get me a MRI and CATscan I am deeply concerted about my blackouts and memory loss, I am in great health to diseases, and strong and fit as an ox. I am not infected with any sexually transmitted deceases, or have ever done prostration.

I know what I want, I am assertive, here are some e-mails from various local San Francisco residents, as well as an observation from chapter 2 of the BIG Book of AA

Chapter 2 Of the AA “Big Book” pg 19+20

“Most of us since that our real tolerance of other peoples shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others. Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers depend upon our constant thought for others and how we may meet their needs”

My lately actions, inaction's while border rlineing on the dry drunk, on myself, and the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, I have some server trauma which not an acceptable excuse, I need to be alone and deal with some of these issues, and physical health problems, conventional centers, and my tendency to become codefendant are not healthy, and there for being alone outside the needs of the other few, are in my and everyone else best interest.

I also love more of myself, and share more of my inner peace, I need to rest and eat more, met someone else again with ties to Houston I also like giving more back and charity, I plan to rerun to visit, one day but Not live, but with my 5^th wheel RV and big diesel 4x4 pickup truck is all I want in life. San Francisco's Heyday has come and gone.

Progress not perfection one day at a time, peace has grown a bit again, I also have some appointments and let my dirty laundry is my misspelt youth and coming out in Houston, I love more of myself, life and need to work on my co-dependacy issues. I also hurt remembering the fork-lift accident, and truck accident many eons ago, I also have to do something about my debits, and possibly declare bankruptcy, I don't ever see myself getting out of the hole I am stuck, though I have tired 30,000 is bad to be in debit. Which started as a 10,000 is Debit, though is growing due to two unsavory creditors, I might still be able to get out of the hole as I am able, and willing, though its rough.

I have resentments toward some folks, and find I don't like some folks here but I have to learn tod ela again, I have another person that wants to lease server space via FTP on my web server and host a few small paps, which proviso promising, per say.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Leap of Faith to the Unkown, Fear there of

5/6/08

As of recently I have new private blogs, and some off the internet and On a INTRANET of my choice and likeing. I also am dealing with some spirtualy tough times, but moving forward, Ive made and discussed a bit on how to deal with these issues.

I have a few folks and co-depeants in my life, I have issues to deal with and some abusers, I called a womens hate crime rape place yesterday. I dont have any tollerance for sex workers, transgender whores, or folks that use that dont repsect me, or folks that dont respect my bounderies and respect my life.

I also have more of what I need to work on with me, and know more about myself, and who and wha I nned as an indivual.

I also have a replacement phone has been giving my problems. I took care of some matters today as well, I also have more to do for myself, and program and some personal, educational, employment, finacal goals, and my transitin and some civil matters.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

5/4/08

The reality of Life, is not life it self, I found another sponsor, I want the insanity to end, I want recovery, the answer is to recovery is I dont, know. I just know what I dont want, I dont have the answers, but I find them more and more one day at a time, the fear of relpase, is not an option.

I have a somewhat busy upcoming week, I have school matters to deal with and tend to, I have some sinus problems, I feel a bit more recovered, I also need some time to work out my issues, My hair is fixed, and the currls are back again

I picked up some hygine things yesterday at my trip to the walgreens, I also have a meeting on the adgenda this morning, I ate some yougert, and am going on a new diet within reason, as well. I also am going to do more walking again, clearing my throughts in recovery.

I need to back down and stay away, I dont want more resentments and hurt, I also admited I was wrong in what I said to another TG person recently about her, and her drug uses, But I admited over reaction to an addict, I offered a meeting book, she refused, but I made pace, and made ammends, one day at time.

I know CAN be a cold blooded, selfish bitch, and very nasty, mean and minupipulative but at least, I find faut in my defects, I met someone, and I also have a new sponsor, that I feel comfortable with.,

I have some medical things, and therpey apointments this week as well and much more to do, Ive just be so very busy, I am going to turn in early tonight, and get a good workout.

Maybe read and also work on some PHP before going to bed, for the night. I also might work on my INTRANET, on my other server a bit, where I keep my life in order, and have a lot of personal information stored offsite.

I also have other things to work on, I am a bit sick and dizzy, I also figured out where the largest ANTI equity progressive church is located in San Francisco.

I also got a few respnoces from various ads I am running currently, I also composed a few other factors, and letters more recently as well

Friday, April 25, 2008

4/25/08

Today I am stressed out and close to buring out, I feel lost, and hurt. I feel my friend potrayed me and used, me. I feel hurt, I feel I was taken advange of, and debits not repayed. I am sober, and clean and productive but for what?

For what fucking reason?

I lost all, walked away from all, have not much to go back to. I hurt, badly and suffer daily in my soul. I try to find inner peace, joy and enlightment and progress into life.

The answer is I dont know, the answer is I cant answer, the truth is, I dont know.

I sobered, up in the reasoning of stoping drinking, I left houston because I reseneted my prior actions, I was honest with others about past actions.

I am tried of suffering, badly. I feel potrayed my good, friend was a sham, she fliped out, even when I was honest she used, me. She is lazy, and doesnt know much, but was fun. I will never become co-dependant that way again, and be used. I am afraid.

I am tired, if I cant remove my desire to drink I want to kill myself, the desire to drink or kill myself to scrafivce my safety given when I drink I am a danger to myself and others is very real. Instutuoin is not, I cant admit defeat for this reason, but I move on but death and the grim reaper is near, I am tired, hungry, lonely and sober and tired of fucking suffering.

This Document Composed by

McInnis Lee Gaetjens “Leigh”

PO BOX 425081

SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94142

(713) 578-0016 MOBILE PHONE / VOICEMAIL

LEEMCG.COM / LEEMCG@LEEMCG .COM

04/24/2008 This Document composed on 4/24/2008 for the weekly meeting and upcoming board meeting

To the Board and fellowship Of the Morning Church Street Fellowship of AA 12-step meetings

Section I – The Problem

I present that Mike Has been Loud and Disrupting, and makes many members of the room feel unsafe. And further more,

(1.) Mike Continues to carry a Illegal Concealed weapon and publicly brandish a “auto club” which is not being used for its intended purpose, and also has stated “He gets beat up and in flights, and carries it for his own protection”
(2.) Mike carries a bottle of booze, into the meetings in his waist band,
(3.) Mike continues to come into the rooms under the use, of drinking and crystal meth, (self-admited) and possibly other unknown illegal and mind altering substances
(4.) Mike has made some minor threats to other women, and made many folks unsafe, and Jepordises the people who are new in sobriety (less than 18 months to 2 years)
(5.) Mike Gets up and goes to the bathroom, (possibly to use or drink) and goes in and out, and almost constantly has been disruptive and asked to leave for the past two (2) weeks
(6.)0 Mike has made me uncomfortable with his unwanted advances, and others as well
(7.) On other occasions outside the meetings, Mike in recent times has ganged op on me with some of his party street friends, and others who occasionally visit the meetings. I have been pushed down the stairs, I have been aggressively panhandled, I have had my arm grabbed outside 18^th street on one occasion
(8.) Mike has said after his threats and asking him to leave, on Monday, on Tuesday that “ I am a police informant for the homicide officer that is following him and I should be dealt with”
(9.) I had to call the police due to mike making me extremely uncomfortable due to keeping a club, and deadly weapon as well as a empty booze bottle (very large) I called 911 from my cellular phone (713) 578-0016 two times at 7:30 am, mike was asked to leave shortly afterward, the police arrived around 8:18 AM. And said they would talk to him and left after I had another witness that was willing to back things up
(10.) Mike has been made aware and coached on numerous occasions about his actions terrosiign the meeting and safe haven of AA and that his actions make others afraid and uncomfortable and are not acceptable behaviors.

Section II Facts

The points outlined, above state the following Facts

Facts: #1-8

(1.) As a group which leases the Privilege to use the Space, The church that we lease from needs to be made aware of Mikes Actions due to the fact it is a insurance and personal injury liability
(2.) The Police need to be made aware of mikes actions (by groups of us making a police report at a substation) Not doing this opens the church, and fellowship to Criminal and Civil Liability
(3.) Mike is not mike, The drinking, drugs, and crystal meth and his described actions make Mike a Danger to the group and the continued privilege to use the rooms at the church
(4.) We need to make the Church Administration aware of Mike and Mikes actions, to protect the church, and us as chairs and fellowship and members from Criminal, Civil Liability and as a common courtesy given we are being allowed the privilege to use the property and being good neighbors of AA. And Maybe a GSR or Central office Rep should be further consulted

PAGE 1-OF-

(5.) Mike is a public safety hazard in the meeting, a Personal Injury hazard, to Himself, Others and The Group Fellowship of AA, and The Church, and a Civil and Criminal Liability risk due to the Reasons Listed In
(6.) We are not helping Mike if we allow Him to Disrupt our sanctuary, and continue his self-destructive actions.
(7.) Mikes daily actions are defeating us from our primary purpose to stay sober and stop drinking and help other members of AA, who want to stay sober, and achieve sobriety from doing such, Mikes actions are scaring away new comers, women and people with long term soberity
(8.) Mikes & Other folks acting in Mikes manner and their actions are taking away from the time from people who want to be there,

Section III

Opinions:

It is the opinion of myself and reason Logic:

(1.) That I don't have a problem with mike, I have a problem with Mikes actions and Behaviors both witnessed and documented and Undocumented and Unreported
(2.) Mike is taking advantage of our kindness, to get free coffee, get out the cold, and possibly steal (a purse was stolen recently) and use drugs or spike his coffee with booze and or illegal drugs.
(3.)Mike is using the meetings liberal spirt and forgiveness, while I genuinely do not have a problem with mike, Mike Is Not Mike The drinking, drug use, Is a danger to Himself, and others. And taking us away from those who want to remain sober, we are allowing mike to distract from the meeting
(4.) If Mike hurts anyone we as a group members, the church, and leaders could be held labile in a wrongful death lawsuit or personal injury lawsuit
(5.)Mike should not be allowed in the rooms carrying a weapon, or drugs
(6.) Mike should have a set of guidelines to be allowed in the rooms for our safety as a group from physical harm, and legal and civil law suits and the church
(7.) Mike should not be allowed to bring a booze in the meeting, Mike should not be allowed to consume coffee, continue to move around, or go to the bathroom (possibly using drugs or putting booze in his coffee)
(8.) Mike needs to be searched going into the rooms, and listen and not move around causing disruptions
(8B) Mike Needs professional mental health, and substance abuse treatment, we should try to have a judge or police officer 51-50 Himself
(9.) I haw tried to be liberal in spirt with mike, even if my own past, I have been in shoes simulr to mike, it endangers my sobriety and I understand what mike is going through
(10.) I personally believe Mike Might understand he has a problem, but cant stop his self destroying actions, I don't think he wants to harm himself, or Others. But due to his drinking and drug use He is a large danger to himself and others due to the well established unpredictably of someone under the influence of illegal substances
(11.)Mike is distracting the meeting from its primary purpose of staying sober and stop drinking, he is causing many folks to feel uncomfortable where the meeting is not productive, and therefore not achieving its primary purpose
(12.) We should try and make accommodations mike, with very strict guidelines and simple and for all members of the group, perhaps Intergroup or rules from First Place or another meeting could be adopted or drafted and approved my majority vote

Section IV

Suggested Course(S) of Action In Addtion to matters listed in Section III (opnions)

(a.) We Need to make it clear to Mike He Is not welcome until he can come to a meeting, not armed with a deadly, dangerous object, concealed weapon, or item which could be used as a device to harm others.

(b.) All who feel afraid by mikes actions, need to go to the police substation, Ideally as a group fellowship, to make a report against mike and his constant destructive actions.

Page 2-of-3

(c.) If Mike Is to continue to attend those meetings, a MALE member needs to be called upon, to search mike for deadly objects, drugs, booze bottles, Mike is to remain seated, and if he leaves, gets up for coffee, or goes to the bathroom, he needs to leave the property for the day and consider himself “86ed” until the next meeting and or board meeting given the groups feelings of that date.

(d.) If No one is available or willing to search mike, and Mike does not follow the guidelines above or that we set he needs to leave in a clam respectful manner, which does not disturb others

(e.) Mike needs to leave female members alone, that are afraid of him or not want to correspond with him, in his present state of mind, and this could be a confession for attending the 12-step meetings, if he can not abide by this rule he needs to be asked to leaves

(f)Mike due to safety reasons should be required to check bags until leaving, if he does not comply he should be asked to leave or if NO willing member able to provide this service he should be asked to leave.

(g.) I f Mike wants help, we should as a group, and fellowship of AA not destructing from our primary purpose, to stay sober and stop drinking. We Should if he asks for treatment or mental health assistance call SFPD to 51-50 him, or self-commit himself. Service is part of the fellowship of AA, and part of San Francisco Liberal Spirt.

(h) If Mike continues to make unwanted sexual advances, or harass or bother female members of AA, he should be asked to leave for the day.

(I) We should try and allow him to attend mike, with very strict guidelines and simple and for all members of the group, perhaps Intergroup or rules from First Place or another meeting could be adopted or drafted and approved my majority vote

(J) Everyone deserves a chance, but Mike and others are taking advance of our kindness and distracting us from Our primary purpose, to stay sober and help others, which the numerous disruptions, out bursts, sexual advances need to be addressed

(K) I also don't think other folks who have poor hygiene should be kicked out for that reason, everyone needs, AA, even the poor beggar, if they are not disruptive or a danger to the group another member should be swap places, with the offend individual, and swap chairs to minimize disruptions to the meeting in a discreet manner, its part of the unity and service portion that allows AA to work, and not all newcomers come from clean, and oak backgrounds, and is very over-judgemenal, and not very giving

I think application of guidelines, should be addressed on a case, by case basis in accordance with the individual and unity and service as a group at a board meeting.

A set of concquecnes and policty guidelines needs to be estblahsed for Mikes and other possible actions for the chair and as a group for dealing with matters such as this in the future but with the group present as a whole, but not deverting into a social group, just something very simple one page and swift so the meeting can continue as quickly as possible.

Page 3-of-3

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

4/23/08

The reality of myself, and who I am as an in divudal sets clear, I discussed with ray, how much though I dont idol him, worship him or woriship 12-step meetings, I have been icolating, and wanted to tell him I love him, I think I would be in jail or prison or drunk or dead or have gone on a viglantie spree, if I had not found (again) when I was ready the fellowship of AA.

The reality is, I have much to commit, for myself and what I need to do. I plan and take on to much it is one of my flaws, but on a postive note, I put others before myself, and I contunie to progresss, into enlightment and zen. I signed up and contacted someone for the rent control canvising for the city upcoming election.

I further more went to my morning meeting, and ave a few other commitments for myself and life and progressive enlightenment for myself. I spoke up for myself, and further more others spoke up as well, ray taught me the proper

I ate ok, some grilled veggies, and also drank water and of course coffee, sent e-mails, called a few old friends, I also am going to do my DPS drivers license soon, and travel soon, and go pick up my pickup truck in Phoenix pending transport.

I have an appointment with a worker and therpsit, and other things. And other things, enrol met at the collage in a few weeks an appointment at the law center, this moring, some other lady stood up as I did in fear, the board meeting and we will do something about it, amazingly the group as sq whole or at least today doesn't feel unsafe, but about 1/.3 or us do.

Not to focus on that, but the group does agree each day he is drinking in the meeting, and carrying multiple cornfield weapons needs to be addressed and asked to leave, one day at a time. Seems to be the consensus, now he feels I am “working against him for the police” I fear for my safety, now I am in the postisit others put me i9n, but I am being assertive and confidant which I did not before, I used to be a drunk, paranoid, homophobic, trans-phobic, cold heated bitch, and that is changing one day at time 9 months 14 days later, it works!

Furthermore, I am making progress and becoming more secure withmyself without drinking, or abusing drugs similar to Barry bonds, one of san Francisco's shame, who disappeared form AT&T park like a Mafia style hit, without a trace.

Eyes with out a face, but I have voice, I slept well and took a shower and worked my program and took good care of myself, and continue to progress in my program and working my life.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

one day at time to zen!

4/17/08

The reality of my interpersonal growth, last night had someone around me who is obviously not working her program and falls into the GLBT spectrim, and got 2^nd stoned not by choice, and to most discomfort, had a very productive meeting and got back on my program.

NM is very co-depedant, it bitchy and shut me out and well I feel used, me remebering progress not prefection, I am powerless over other people places and things, despite the fact myself in my heart Like money, power and control and have a domnatirix, overburdending, nosey not minding my own business personallity, and am very good at being a busy body and minupulating things to my advantage or disadvantage.

The relity further more, of my interpesonal growth, enlightment and further dfevelopment of my powerless and defeat and admiting fault, and moving on into postive affirming growth and enlightment is true but also well freaky and a bit odd and obscure.

Today I recived some drivers licneseing things, and reports. I also checked out other factors, I uploaded more photos to my photobucket, Have a student Id to pick up soon, I also talked to My wonderful therpesit about things life, my transgender issues, my trnstion, anger, resentment, familty, childhood and plans for life and what and mastakes and pitfalls I made.

The reality of my personal grwothand enlightment further more explains the growth of my soul, peace and love and fist. I know more about my life, and who I am as an individual and recive peace, all of my life I have lied, cheated used and abused and minuiplutaed others, I dont know or understand real relatshionships my living in San Francisco has grown more, and even had flashbacks to my ealry minuipulation at 3 or 5 years old. Some of it I shall discuss furhter next week in theprey with my wonderful therpsit at the same bat time, same bat place, same bat channel and some regualrity, but being a predictiable creature of habbit, I have found some un-pridtcabllity but more postive, I must remain calm, focued and disiplained for my future greatfuly depends on such matters and the future of myself.

I know what I should have known than before and now, I know more about my soul, peace and love, I know who I am as a woman, and futher more an indpendant one at that. I know I am making the correct and proper choices for my future of today and tommorow, and continueing to enlightment and zen, I am right.

The also enlightment of my soul, and personal jesus, for my peace, I discover more about myself, and enlightment. I contunie to grow, and blosssom of the furits of life and being born again int the rooms and fellowship, the fights, the good times and the bad times, and progress not prefection of the rooms of AA.

I know but being quiet and listing and observing more, I make progress I know what is right and wrong, what I am and who I want to be, only time will, tell one day. I move forward.

I know I have to be quiet, listen and progress into change, and control my domnatrix personality, and my vampire personality and progress into enlightment for the soul and elightment for my peace, and keep my self-destrive, abusive to myself and others and desttive roller coaster life under wraps to keep progress not prefection.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A open letter in Progress but Not Prefection!

4/16/08

The reality of being sober, Progress not perfection.

An e-mail to my geeky, gender queer sponsor.

“I am feeling better, I rested yesterday from 3 pm awoke at 7pm, and slept more, had an interview yesterday, and I also got more sleep, went to the our lady of safeway meeting tbhis morning, I feel better and less of a bitch as I have been lately, Ive been being quiet and listning more, I am sorry for exploeding recently at the country club, I rested good for my soberity and soul and feel better.

I awoke again at 2am and got up and showered at 4am, My back pain went away, and I got must needed sleep and r&r, I have been eating betterr and adherieing to my vegan belifes and following my religous beleiefs and have cut back on dariy, meat, starch, and coffee and tea, soda and junk foods.

I also am still working the 1st steap in paragrpah form.”

Yesterday Recap:

I am takeing better care of myself, and also Called my father to tell him I am sorry about calling his wife nasty names, sometimes I can be a cold hearted bitch, I also talked to a nice security guard downtown, and in conversation outed myself as a former drunk, who didnt drink in meetings and kept comeing back.

We were discussing the politics of San Francisco and Gavin Nustom, and the welfare and homeless issue in San Franccisco, given yeterday afernoon. And using MUNI for school commuters and the bad kids that need a good ass kicking.

Yetserday some rude kids pushed me a bit, and called me something, kids today are nastym, rude and have no manners the world has become a cesspool, and San Francsico whuile as librial as it is, Is an adults playground and not a good place to rase-childrent or have children unless you are very wealthy, live in the suburbs.

Regardless, we also talked more election politics, and I slept and had a good informal interveiw, I also ran into someone from the LDS church that I had not seen in a very long time afterwards.

This WEEK:

I have a counceling apointment and therpey apointment., and other things this week I am very busy. And tired and sleepy. I also burned out more and more and might go down to the university later this week. I also have understood the trip to Louisiana and Texas is NOT A GOOD IDEA, and think of phonix, and AZ or LAX as a place, I also found a auto storage place in South San Francsico not far from the airport (SFO) and The port and cargo plants, I also found places in other things.

God (of my understanding) Bless myself, texas, San Francisco, My Higher power and My own personal Jesus.

I have a wonderful day and life and faith restored.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

4/15/08

8:11 AM

The relaity of my chapter to my own gnosticism, and self-discovery for myself, life and enlightment for my-self will. I know more upon awakeing and grattuide. I chose my current life, and fear the unkown road ahead, but I am greatful to have physcial , mental and sober clarirty and enlightment for myself, and others around me alike, I also know more who I am as an Individual.

I am determated to make it in life and soberity. I have dec9idne per my wonderful therpisits request, I am not going to take my flight in aug, I am going to have my trcuk transported to Phonix, or possibly LA or Vegas for picking up my pick em truck. I also get to live my fantisty dream of driving down Castro Street blareing Brooks and & Dunn, wearing a cowgirl hat and boots, or maybe down near Valencia and 18^th down in the mission.

I hurt having cleairty and it is a bitch, I have this wonderful job interview this morning to look forward to In retail, at the district office for a large department store chain and the ablily long term to be able to travel to washington, oragen, texas, Arazona, and New Mexico on company business, and moight one day be able to visit the Houston Galleria and stay at the Westin inside the galleria, (I know this company takes good care of its employess)

I hope things work out, I have a few other leads at telemarketing firms, and collectrions agencys. I also payed off more debit, and Found a auto storage facility down in South San Francisco that has boats, classic cars, trucks, big jeeps, monster trucks, RV's etc.

Thats as a bonus is close to the caltrain, and Bart, and takes about an hour to pick up. And even more bencifal is its a national chain, and has a Insurance plan, which can also conevr my auto policy. \

I learned more I leanred more but being quiet and analiclyal, and learning from others. And myself. I dont know anything about the world or being sober, But I have the tools to keep sober, and maybe one day fine a joy in life again, and be happy and confidant without drinking. I hurt so good, but the pain brings recovery.

Thismoring I saw a few folks, it is also Tax, day and the IRS as up my ashe, A moive might be in order but it is cold. I am scared, scared out of my mind, I dont know who or what I am or what to do, except that I am alaive and alone. And scared, but I am sober, and have tools and other isnance people who want sanity and soberity that understand me.

I miss my father and hurt for what I said about him, last night I talked to a russian firend whom is nice, and I like, and hope things progress I dont think she drinks, but she has some insanity, I dont know why I allways end up falling for russian lesbains or they do for me, the accent is very sexy, I also fall for irish scottish lesbians. I havent dated much, she makes proigress not prefection just as I do, for myself.

All of us are insane in own own ways, others just learn to deal with it better and more postive and affirming than others, some of us falter to booze, and loose the proviage and become Aas, some of us die, got to prison, or commit sucicde, I choose life and recovery, 9 months and, 2 days, from my last drink at Catbirds in Houston, Texas. And at home, In the montrose.

I love life, and am greatful for being alive, and hope this opeertun ity pans out, It would be so cool, to get trained in the costmeticsa department, or work upsatris with other things.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

One day at time, progress not prefection

4/13/08

Today 9 months ago I stumbled into the rooms at LAMBA center not far from where I took my frist drink and went from AL-anon to AA in ealry 2006. and quit of my soberity date of friday july, 13^th 2007, My life had its ups and downs.

I attended a good meeting this morning and had breakfast. I slept ok a bit late, my body and health is in not that good shape, Im afraid of dieing, not as much death but not knowing whats wrong with me physcally.I am afraid, of not being in control or having knowlage.

I came to San Francisco, on Jan 6^th 2008 with high hopes a fresh start and dreams and have started to live the calfiornia dream, I am insecure and hurting, because of transgressions and refusal to admit defeat in Houston., I also picked up some co-dependants, by raseing the bottom, and learned more even though I know nothing. Even though other than myself the meeting was a bit dead, the 5 folks there (myself conuted) it was one of the best meetings I have been two all week, in addaion to our lady of safeway morning meeting where most folks there have their own personal jesus, and a few queer LDS Folk who I find mildly amusing.

It stinks to some level to be in the under 35 crowd and be staight edge and sober. But I have something most folks in my age range dont, peace, love, enlightment and grattudie and faith in a higher power as I understand her and my godess and own personal jesus.

Speaking to the LDS missioanrys here about the biship my faith and wanting to estbalhs a relatshionip with the bishop and talk on the phone, and concuidering rejoining the church despite my views and transgressions and possible excommcation. I just want to talk and be friendly.

I dont know what I belive anymore, and refuse to accept and put power over to orgnsited relgion, but I am more open to it. I am more willing to talk and concider it.

I still feel weak, I slept well, had a wonderful shower and walked a bit and rode muni to my destnation and reached further enlightment for my soul and peace for myself.

I loved more for who I am as an indidviudal and my inner peace I find more about myself, and learn more day to day. I spoke to AC and CEQ and PMG and DLG, I did laundry, I might go to church. I might rest, I might finish installing V-Builltan on my webserver its uploaded and I have to do some configuration details. I also am concdering using another server with leemcg.com for some of the databases and apps I am working on and miroor and collebation sutes in the backround on other Ips and hidden logins and some public for resocures and various groups mailing lists and things like majordomo and listservs on my server.

My site in one year gets 2000-3000 hits a month thats progress and the wow factor. I know more eveyrhting I think I know is wrong, I got side tracked and well Know I am loved in San Francsico, Houston and New Orleans even if I am a bit quiet and hermit much as my mother.

I love more about myself. And know more who I am as an indidvudal I know more about myself, my faith in a higher power and god of my understaning for my soul, peace and love.

I know I am vbeing alone and iuts not a good thing, I just am afraid and need time to sort things out in my own way (sober) and Ill come back, I applied for more things and got more done, its the dizzyness, and confusion andf passing out from fatigure, and low bloodpressure, my docoter gave me some diet tips, and health and fitness and more waring signs, and told me to avoid stress and anger.

I must reamin dispalp0ined both in aa, my financal life, personal life, collage life, work life, starting over, and doing whats right. I am addcited even before I become an aa, My grandmother na duncle have addictive traits and personallitys.

From pack Rating, to food, to being a right wing nut job, we are all addits in our own way.

From pack Rating, to food, to being a right wing nut job, we are all addits in our own way. I just am dizzy, confused and lighead, but focused sober and fatth restroed (Not LDS) but pro\gress not pefection and the godess as I understand her keeps on ticking one day at a time.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

4/12/08

The reality of myself, I picked more about my soul and inner peace. I picked up new maps, took care of a few legal, banking and matters for the summer session at collage. I hurt badly, My body does ache, its bloody hot today.

I also took a trip and pondered a few other things, I feel like life is well a mixed bag of sorts inbetween up and down. I know what I want out off life, and in typical lee mannerism I will go to any matter or means to achive it all or nothing sort of like vegas baby.

Spoke to FN today about life CP did not sell the house in Cypress recently and more

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

04/09/08

MUNI was slow today, due to the rail slow-down, today I had lots of VEGAN black bean soup and salad and VEGAN pepper-corn bread. I also had a smoothie as well. I went to a meeting and fellowshipped with other insanity to keep us sane and grateful.

I composed some info on my site, turned in a release form to the womens clinic. I also composed a few other options, coded and backed up some of my site, I took care of some banking and finance issues, and composed more info. I have to pick up my student ID in a few weeks as well.

I coded more of my site, and started with my forums a bit. I composed more and more, today, and did some walking, I made a stop at COSTCO as well, and have a few stops tonight, after my meeting and other factors as well. I also looked at a few places, and made further preparations for my trip, drive and other issues.

I also have to mail some forms to the IRS, DPS AND A few other issues, meet with my legal counsel regarding some dark chapters in Texas, and resentments, get forms for TSA officials and my flight, and a few other issues. After My student ID and the loans and application process I should have a large quantity of my stress relived.

Some of my gratitude got the best of me, I reacted in-appropriately more recently, to a action of a non sober person on market street, and I did some thing naughty only between my higher power and I shall tell. I composed a few other misc, letters and sent a few cards out, cleaned out junk, and wrote more code.

I also reloaded my MP3 player, made arrangements to close some dark finical chapters as well, and move forward, I admit I am afraid but I don't have to be.

tell. I composed a few other misc, letters and sent a few cards out, cleaned out junk, and wrote more code.

I also reloaded my MP3 player, made arrangements to close some dark finical chapters as well, and move forward, I admit I am afraid but I don't have to be.

I ALSO ran into some missionary today, and some members of the LDS church on the muni streetcar today and the underground muni Line, I had a rough day due to the infamous Olympic tour, which was not the end of law & order in San Francisco as predicted, and Liberty and justice for all was preserved, and anarchy was not starter nor was world war III.

Today was pretty much Like I like it these days, stress and dramma free, and peaceful and uneventful.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

04/06/08

The reality of my life and what I understand, I hurt and hurt and hurt and if I dont feel better soon, I made a choice and plan of action on how to deal with my resenemtns in a manner which wont harm anyone. I am hurting because I hurt myself in houston, and wore out my welcome the memories are too painful to live there, and in my reality of what I need to do you me, I know more about myself, life and fear, soberity and death.

I have resenemtns toward myself as listed in a few prior posts a few days ago I know more about my future, I hope things get better but I have a plan “D” if it doesnt if A,B,C dont work should I stay or go, or spin around like a record.

I have prayed pondered on this issue, and meditated deaply in my heart mind and soul, and know the answer to life and enlightment for my soul and what life ensures, and the path of enlightment and zen and what I need to do for me, not anyone else. Even though It might be a loss.

I spin round toward the golden gate below, and fire down below.

From California to New Orleans, to Harvey, to Brooklyn, and Mepmphes, and Houston and Now san francisco.

She fires up her pick up truck the last time, boards a plain in faith, and enlightment for the soul

Takes a leap of faith sober and dies in the waters down below

The church of jesus christ of latter day saints is true to a degree, but they dont accept me.

I jump off the bridge in faith drop down below into life and die in faith

Maybe to be re-united in heaven or not or hell, who knows what only time and faith will tell

I pull the trigger for the pain, and resenemts I caused others pull the tigger and jump down in pain

Death is only footsteps away, now I shoot myself in pain, and I dont have to hurt anymore, dieing in pride, I send a letter of pride and ammends, and love and honesty in the death of rain, one year sober allomost she self-termantes and sends off in joy of the afterlife and other side

just a poem I wrote, I am doing well and alive, and have things to do, before later today.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
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http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Saturday, April 5, 2008

Keep coming back, progress not prefection one day at a time

04/05/08

The reality of my life and chapter to my own gnostic and self discovery and awareness, is the fact I know more about myself than I ever did before, I learned more and more about life myself, and where and who and what I am as an individual, I know more now than I knew before, I know who I am, and where and what I am as a person and where I want to be in life, I know more about myself I also know more about my interpersonal life.

I am feeling good I have a meeting planned this morning, I am hurting as of late, I have laundry on the agenda, after My early morning meeting this morning, I am, tired of more and more of what I do, and need to for myself and what must be done for my soul, and what I need to do for myself, I am tried of hurting folks sometimes are nasty to me, and I understand more about myself. I want more for my soul. I hurt my body is falling apart in the cold.

I miss my family and other folks, I hurt more and more for my soul, I also hurt more knowing what I must do, for my soul. I also remember what I must do for myself, and life and enlightenment. I also remeber stupid things I did before, and in Houston. My biggest resentment is myself, and actions. I hurt often but I look forward with high hopes and optimism for myself and interpersonal growth.

I started composing some letters I need to send to Houston (4^th step) . I walked away, its the most adult thing I ever did my whole, Life, i felt unloved and alone there much as I do there, but I don't burn bridges here, I don't know why I hurt, I am smart, I also have a crush that I don't think would happen.

I discovered some more trans-phobia today when enjoying coffee more recently, some folks are nice to me, others are assholes, bitches and etc. I also just feel wok, The meetings make me feel better, i went to the doc on Thursday and talked about Christan and said the Prozac made my PTSD and depression worse, I hurt more and more. I also ran into a friend of mine recently, I am afraid of taking my trip soon as well, I feel overloaded more and more for my soul.

I push myself, hard, I have a plan to reach of enlightenment. I am a bit fearful of my trip, and angry of life and what I am as a person, progress not perfection, I wish I could share parts of my plan, but sometimes you have to make drastic choices during drastic measures. Maybe I will figure it out later today. I'm tried of this body, I'm tired of the physical and emotional pain, my health is in decline. And I am tried of hurting because I made others suffer. I was wrong and I have a plan to do some right with awareness, it might bring shame, but I would get my 15 seconds of shame. And make the history books, or at least contribute something more meaningful to the world awareness, fighting trans-phobia, and drawing attention to our cause.

I don't like the vigilantism spirit, or the pain, but on the other hand,. I need to vent and bitch the world wide web, at least maybe folks understand me or want to grow further in my faith and higher power\

The other factor is more of myself and reaching further enlightment for my inner soul and actions for myself. I know more for who and what I am as an individual and what Needs to be done for me, the path to progress not prefection, eating, resting, and remebering to access and think and use the 12-steps when angey or lonely and go to a meeting, and be honest and ask for help and admit defeat when I need to.

Regardless today I am greatful to have gone out with folks thismoring, to have a warm bed, a roof over my head, be sober, and well fed, and going to meetings I enjjoyed chapter 13 of the first edtion of the big book 4^th edtion, I keep comeing back it works!

Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens Blog - WWW.LEEMCG.COM

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Progress not prefection and living large, and the Big book reloaded

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Leap of Faith to the Unkown, Fear there of

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Friday, April 25, 2008

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Thursday, April 17, 2008

one day at time to zen!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A open letter in Progress but Not Prefection!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Sunday, April 13, 2008

One day at time, progress not prefection

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Keep coming back, progress not prefection one day at a time

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