Friday, August 08, 2008

Saw my father tonight on the way to a group meeting / outing in Berkeley. I assume he was leavening work. He ran across the street to correspond with me than used the Fargo atm. I did not have any reason to commutate with him, or invite him to where I am going.

Mainly due to trust issues, and I don’t know him and am unsure if I want him in my life. Its not that I am unwilling to go to family counseling and talk about our distrust, portrayal and anger. He told me to back off and someone running across the street to talk to me, whom told me a few days ago corresponding with him or others would be viewed as harassment is a paradox and conflict in itself.

The only reason I contacted individuals (through face book) was again to attempt to have an unbiased or natural 3rd party to attempt to build a relatshinship with. Which I am willing but I am unwilling to put myself in a sticky suction on a public street and cause myself more problems outside the Downtown Berkeley Bart station, I also had memories of my childhood in the downtown Berkeley library. Comeback, and had some cheap hole in the wall Chinese food. A guilty carnivore pleasure.

Look forward to the support group and more of life to come and the road ahead, going to have to research more east bay meeting places for next time.

I am willing to go to Family heryuep with him maybe evne his new wife, at a LBGT coucnelingpalce, and marriage and family counter,. I also know my father reads my blog regularly as well.
Im even open to going to the pacific center if he is truly willing to have contact with me, than he is more than able to contact me, the doors are open but I distrust him on a street corner approaching me.

In addition, Yes I am angry at him, but would I hurt him no, I shoved him aside in sprit as far as I am concerned he died in the early 1980s when my mother left California. I do want to get to know and have him in my life, but I don’t trust him
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Life in San Francisco, Oakland and Berkeley

Sunday, July 27, 2008

The reality of my life and self is I did more for myself. Slept good and alas a bit late until 5 am this morning. I awoke tcb have things to do later today.

Uploaded a few (password-protected apps) to the server (#2) today. I also worked on a few other things. This morning near 6th and mission I had a guy hit on me and I jumped back at a pot / meth / drunk head in the morning., and slipped on a banana peel in the morning, and tore a stocking make note why not to walk on 6th stet, and go up 7th or 5th to the train station.

I ate ok, went to a good meeting at the Alamo club, also composed a few documents, have to print a (few PDF files) am feeling better than yesterday after going to general hospital. They treated me well.
I also have worked on my social and confiandace issues, ran into my favorite transgender female to male therapist today. In addition, composed a few other items.

Talked to my grandmother about my life, and choises did some steep work at the Alamo club for my sponsor, have a few things to do Monday, have some banking and transit and civil matters to do next week, got referred for an MRI for my health issues.

Going to the dive / riot girl freak meeting this afternoon, don’t you wish you could go with me?

I also have to do a little laundry and other things after the meeting, and had a good crasuant today as well. I spoke to an old friend this weekend and uploaded some code to my site.

I’m going to go to the affirmation conference next year, have a few rentals to look at near uc Berkeley or in downtown Oakland near lake marriet, and a few co-ops in san Francisco as well.

Did some editing, design work for one of my preferable outsourcing clients, who does occasionally go on benders, and I being the sober one does her work for her. Delivered product to her promptly this morning

September or October looks ideal for importing my 4-wheel drive tailgate pick-em’ up truck to California, the Ford Ranger fX4 w/ tremor audio system long bed, ext cab special custom Texas edition
I also might eventfully after doing more step work invite my father to therapy at the pacific center given it is a neutral place and close to work, I often think of my father when I pass the downtown Berkeley Bart station or go shopping at the Walgreens or do printing at the Berkeley Kinko’s I also walk to the pacific center its one of my favorite fitness walks, usually I have dry cleaning, personal items and items for some of my clients whom some have minor binges and benders.


In addition, clean their dirty laundry as well as my own, I continue to progress more and more.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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July 25, 2008

Lately in working with my wonderful sponsor, and support in my program. I discovered that I lashed out at my father, I may have made him so unwelcome about me. I hurt him because; I well resent him but my mother more.
I grow tired of bickering with Pat about my father and mothers differences and fear I lost him, I worked my 4th step with him perhaps I should invote him to conceling at the pacific center, he is my closest living relative and I do want to know him, which I really don’t.
I am going to Oakland today for a doctor’s appointment than a doctor’s appointment in Berkeley and to check out some other issues and things. I also am composing some documents and have files to print later.
I spoke to JJ recently he is OTR headed to Houston hauling a load for freight, he will be back in home in Portland soon, BWM is in St Paul I think now, I soon have my DMV issues to iron out, and a few other matters, I also am aiming to get my pickup truck trans-ported to san Francisco, and possibliy6 attend the Affirmation conference in Los Angeles in September, doing the boot scooting bogie.
I drove recently a mini cooper across the bay bridge and have a few other affairs to iron out as well. I spoke to a relative on a few other matters.
Talked to Valire about issues, and continue to grow into enlighten for myself, I also try to find a mentor. Around September 2008 or October 2008 I should have my 4x4 pickup truck here in San Francisco which will fucking rock.
I still don’t plan to drive much or keep my truck in the city, I have other arrangements I worked out in other counties, the bus ride on AC transit today the driver was a jerk he made a nasty comment about me being a dyke and transgender and I made a nasty comment back, I remember him he was the jerk 2 years ago who did that, the nice butch lady with glasses was not on the bus line today. He also was rude and unhelpful with directions to an out-of-towner.
I talked to CUAV about my issues, I dis trust the San Francisco Police Commission and The San Francisco Human rights commission and plan to have a unbiased 3rd party on my behalf, as a lesion to myself.
Furthermore, I have the law clinic next week at the TG law center with Ben, which should be helpful. I the name change went uncontested.
I paid another debtor recently and have taken further steps to restore my good name; I also shall get the insurance as well soon. I talked to an individual who was ex-commutated from the brays bayou ward in the 1990s for homosexuality and another in 1980s, I also met a few individuals in Castro who were Mormons.
I search for meaning, and understanding and don’t know what I belief, core values, or even what the fuck I want out of life for all to long have been around others ideals, after the electros sit today, I also have to go to the support group and the meeting. I have more tonight to achieve as well.
I also will be passing by people’s park famous site of the shooting of UC Berkeley students during a CHP “siege” of the park and riot in may 1969 that also earned former actor turned future president and donator (1969 California) Ronald Regan the nickname Ronald Ray-GUN!
I also talked to relatives today, about my health issues where are well, I am right now near the huge hill in Oakland which the wildfires were contained in 1991 many years ago. Also the site of where some childhood memories of my mother.
I don’t want my father or myself to lose each other over some egocentric power trip or the fact of my resentments toward myself, my mother and him. I was wrong, and crossed the line and admitted that to my sponsor, the 4th step is a fucking bitch, and like me also.
I also crossed the line with Christen Williams, Lilly Roddy, Phyllis Frye, Lambda Center, My father Martin Clark Gaetjens and the AC Transit Bus Driver today as well.
I hurt badly in my soul, burns with rage and anger. And misreay, I don’t want that I want some degress of sanity, I even more recently had to drift away from some individuals who mke me uncomfortable in meetings. One whom I feel stalks me somewhat per say.
I overreacted this morning I thought mike was in the meeting, and was wrong he is 86ed until further notice. Some folks on Castro street get un “86”ed from the Castro Country Club for “69”ing the manager (bad joke and totally untrue) and very serotypes.
Have to remember to pcik up some items at the store before barting back into the city, I also might take care of a few other matters as well, before that.

The reality of what I need to do for myself, life and my future is clear, just in the moment, called my sponsor today to work on some pressing issues for myself, life and future and fear of the unkown for myself, life and lack there of.

I found my own personal fucking jesus christ
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger