Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My change in name and gender went relative well, I also made some monetary amends and called a few folks to make amends and deal with other issues for the matters, I on Sunday celebrated q year sober.

My HRT and meds came back very positive and affirming, my hormones are a bit back into adjustment, I have a Dr. Appointment in the east bay in the next week.

I have the SS-5 form for the social security office, I need to go to my bank, finance company, DMV, alameda county recorder’s office. And much much more in the next few weeks, but not go so much to turn burnout and insanity, I also have a DL328 as well for my gender marker for my drivers licenses, and also have a driver’s test.

I found a new insurance company and need to seek replacement documents for some insurance matters in importing my truck into California. The Texas truck moves on trucking out of the lone star state.

I confided in my doctor and will do so to my therapist in a few matters, which I had not disclosed out of fear of rejection but honestly is the key to the pursuit of happiness. I admit defeat and am willing to be honest, just more selective and secretive and evasive in who, what and where I suggest.

I also for a few other matters am torn between some good auto Insurance quotes I have gotten for my 4x4 Tailgate. These matters take time and as a late Capricorn borderlineing or aquarious. I am progressing but being careful not to burn out again, and maintain discipline

I am over my romantic loss, and hurt. Never say never again, and discursion. Is necessary per say. I have individuals make passes at me on occasion but reject in the favor of faith, and future enlighten. I have therapy tomorrow and a few other things today


Gratitude list

1.) Grateful for being able to admit being helpless in My drinking, OCD and getting on the crazy train without the help of fellowship, hard work, and determination
2.) Grateful for life, and court and starting a new one
3.) Grateful for understanding that I need to change myself, and make myself more of an asset rather than a liability.



Today thins to do

1.) Post Office
2.) Drop Documents off at storage
3.) Go walking/ rest and relax
4.) Drink lots of water
5.) Work on papers for clients
6.) Mail Letters and documents
7.) Print Forms at Library for conference in Los Angeles
8.) Print Documents for my pickup truck regarding Texas, Louisiana and California DMV, country tax office, and DPS
9.) Print Drivers diocese documents
10.) Print forms for Finance company, bank and other options with name change and fill out and mail proof of documentation
11.) Send finical amends to creditors and debtors.



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Friday, July 11, 2008


The reality of myself and further enlightenment and eye-opening experiences for myself. This morning was glorious and peaceful for myself.
I met with my wonderful sponsor yesterday, I am planning on a meeting later today, I made arrangements for tonight, and plan to go to the support group in the east bay. I also need to make other arrangements and I push myself hard for what is Necessary for myself.
I also am working on my essay on Trans-Phobia and Discrimnation and hate in San Francisco and beyond. A look at decimation and people’s fears of the unknown.
I also as of late am afraid, this Sunday I have 1 year sober, and what a year it has been, I met with my sponsor yesterday. I also this week went to the electro cist in the East Bay, and had more work done, my face is breaking out, in the next few weeks I will go back for more, work.
Furthermore, I am lucky to have started young, in my transition; I also am going to get back to walking more, and eating healthier more in moderation for soul and myself.
I hurt and told my sponsor my pain of what I did to individuals in the GLBTQ community in Houston, Texas ; New Orleans, LA and other places of shame.

I hurt for myself, I hurt knowing what I did and hurt bleeding in my heart, I have some trouble letting, go this week I have been lynched a few times, sometimes just doing basic things such as grooming and bothering.

Ill shares some of my expirees at 6 months in San Francisco.
1.) In January 2008 was mugged with a knife in the filmore district, and told I can be mugged or assaulted and abused my San Francisco Police when I called for service, I was handcuffed and searched, and told they had 4 units looking for the suspect. I was integrated about drug use, protection, and warrants. (which I had none)
2.) April 2008I was mugged on the MUNI Metro and told I was problem prostituting myself on the train, and no report and the law was not enforced again
3.) May 2008 I have been lynched in a communal shower by other women with Hateful GLBT slurs, had a photo taken of me with a camria phone
4.) May 2008 - I have been verbally abused and harassed by other women when sleeping
5.) June 2008- I have had a 22-caliber handgun pulled on me, out of hate and intimidation.
6.) June 2008- I was punched in the face (In clear view of a police officer) On The MUNI / Bart Station for no appernt reason and called slurs and laughed at when I was ok.
7.) I have had a Transit cop refer to me using trans-phobic and hate speech when requesting proof of payment, refuse to take a report for the mentioned
8.) I was groped while wating for food, and laughed at
9.)



Those are just small examples of whets gone on but I stay sober, it’s not easy but not every fight is worth fighting and winning for, it’s not what it’s about, I miss Texas and Houston dearly, I don’t like what occurs the drinking and drug use that is tolerated in the city of San Francisco, it’s wrong.


I looked at a few places in Oakland, and Berkeley. I however need time to finish things out in the city and work on some of my PTSD and depression issues.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Progress not prefection and living large, and the Big book reloaded

5/11/08

The reality as of late, I have been a utter bitch to fellow friends of bill w, I am scared shit less, my PTSD and flashbacks to hurricane Katrina, my sexual assault, abuse by co-workers, workplace discriamntion, sins against other GLBT folks, sins against other Transgender.

I just want equity and some degree of stealth, I hate living someplace with so many TG folk, I long term urn from working from 5^th wheel in the mountains of Montana, with my big diesel guzzling 4x4 pickup truck, being a full time river, and coming to San Francisco, or living in rural northern California.

I had another female show interest in me, right now I am going though some spiritually tough times, I have been a utter bitch, and being very overly judgmental and stereotypical. I was wrong, and have a step letter to compose to a few folks, CCC-Dan, Frank-The dock, the alano club.

I feel unwelcome, its not other people, not being screamed at, hit or when I am is utterly traumatic, I just need to find inner peace, which I am doing better at., My therapist and I discussed finding balance, the young guy at the community center, talked to more I printed my name change documents, and I might have more to do, I've also though given my many contacts, friends and aquances, i might (again) follow in my mothers footsteps to get work and maybe transfer back to san Francisco, still stay a san Francisco resident.

As of late, I feel a bit well moody, it hurts with some of my friends I self destructed, I have had flashbacks to my past, and resentments, yet I am still sober, I also finally convinced my doctor to get me a MRI and CATscan I am deeply concerted about my blackouts and memory loss, I am in great health to diseases, and strong and fit as an ox. I am not infected with any sexually transmitted deceases, or have ever done prostration.

I know what I want, I am assertive, here are some e-mails from various local San Francisco residents, as well as an observation from chapter 2 of the BIG Book of AA

Chapter 2 Of the AA “Big Book” pg 19+20

“Most of us since that our real tolerance of other peoples shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others. Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers depend upon our constant thought for others and how we may meet their needs”

My lately actions, inaction's while border rlineing on the dry drunk, on myself, and the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, I have some server trauma which not an acceptable excuse, I need to be alone and deal with some of these issues, and physical health problems, conventional centers, and my tendency to become codefendant are not healthy, and there for being alone outside the needs of the other few, are in my and everyone else best interest.

I also love more of myself, and share more of my inner peace, I need to rest and eat more, met someone else again with ties to Houston I also like giving more back and charity, I plan to rerun to visit, one day but Not live, but with my 5^th wheel RV and big diesel 4x4 pickup truck is all I want in life. San Francisco's Heyday has come and gone.

Progress not perfection one day at a time, peace has grown a bit again, I also have some appointments and let my dirty laundry is my misspelt youth and coming out in Houston, I love more of myself, life and need to work on my co-dependacy issues. I also hurt remembering the fork-lift accident, and truck accident many eons ago, I also have to do something about my debits, and possibly declare bankruptcy, I don't ever see myself getting out of the hole I am stuck, though I have tired 30,000 is bad to be in debit. Which started as a 10,000 is Debit, though is growing due to two unsavory creditors, I might still be able to get out of the hole as I am able, and willing, though its rough.

I have resentments toward some folks, and find I don't like some folks here but I have to learn tod ela again, I have another person that wants to lease server space via FTP on my web server and host a few small paps, which proviso promising, per say.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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The Leap of Faith to the Unkown, Fear there of

5/6/08

As of recently I have new private blogs, and some off the internet and On a INTRANET of my choice and likeing. I also am dealing with some spirtualy tough times, but moving forward, Ive made and discussed a bit on how to deal with these issues.

I have a few folks and co-depeants in my life, I have issues to deal with and some abusers, I called a womens hate crime rape place yesterday. I dont have any tollerance for sex workers, transgender whores, or folks that use that dont repsect me, or folks that dont respect my bounderies and respect my life.

I also have more of what I need to work on with me, and know more about myself, and who and wha I nned as an indivual.

I also have a replacement phone has been giving my problems. I took care of some matters today as well, I also have more to do for myself, and program and some personal, educational, employment, finacal goals, and my transitin and some civil matters.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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4/27/08

The reality of what I need, is clear. I progress. Yesterday I was able to kick my bitch swtich on in a controled manner, and discuss the issues that were upseting me, I am spening most of the present in lonely solitude, I have some personal matters I need to work out.

I am composeing more for my soul. I know more for my self. I also have some homework for threpy this week on the adgenda, I have more to talk about. I have some resentments to work through. I went to many meetings this week.

I also discussed with friends the truth, I know more about my soul and innser self. Ive been pondering some matters as well. I spoke with other folks more recently about myself, I am determeand more than ever to rebuild my life here, remain here.

I spend time alone due to needing to work out some issues, I have a crush or two as well. But I have utterly high standards. I also have the collage thing to work out, the lost documents, a police report, and a few AA realted manners, it stinks to be called into service, but I like it, love it.

I talked to DLG, PMG, AND other factors, today. I took care of some fincial matters, I had to compose more. For myself. I also see a person who scares me in meeting as much I did others in 2005-early 2006 and onward. My resentments were bad mostly myself, But I am such a selfish bitch I dont want to admit my fault, I ran away sober, doing my geogrpahicl understaning the jounry, hardships I face now build me a good foundation for my contunied soberity, growing and prospering.

I posed a bit on various forums, I occasionly visit everything from Transgender equity, to GLBT rights, to my 4x4 tailgate, and other fourms with network and system admin. I worked more on my SQL, and PHP Database(s) and also updated more code, googles failure is fixed, and also worked more on my Upcoming San Francisoc Transgender Community and Resources, Maybe CW and I are not that much unalike, however discussing with my theprist, i associate my abuse, hate crime, and sexual assult with her, and I lashed out at her.

I have chosen to make arangements for my truck, I also met a few new folks today, but as of late just as my mother was most of her life, and as am I, a hermit, rarely comeing out of her shell, to often I am misunderstood.

I also have to go to the collage this week, and also look at a few places, my finical health has gone downa bit lately, I also took steps to begin repairing my credit, and repay debits, I did some job hunting my resocues and option I have is stil open, I have some closure, I lost my name and gender change documents, recently on MUNI hopefuly they will be rightfuly restored, the prospect of further idenity theft is unsettleing.

I ate ok, today, yesterday I had a yummy salad, and smoothie, I am enjoying the wide range of fruits avialbale in san francisco, and the deverity. I also have been sleeping a bit better. I have some palces I am going to look at in Ingleside, and Tresure Island as well as one or two in Oakland.

My my mother and others are doing, more about myself. And what I need to do for mysoul. I know more for what I need for myself and interpersonal enlightment for my soul. I love more myself, listen more and talk less, and observe the insanity of life, the world and work my program.

I also have an apointment with a socil worker this week for the depression and other issues I am faceing at the womens colnic. I have a makeup and hair apointment and consult, as well as an electro consult, and I have the collage, and also have an apointment with my doc about my HRT, and levaels and further letters and documents for me. I just am burned out and utterly pissed that my papers were left due to being so tired, but I had some really good food friday. I am less of a bitch and my bitch is under wraps.

I love life and enlightment.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Ive been a trike both drunk and sober, and had more puzzlement if I'm a fem but tough when I have to be, The world seems to be more accommodating to us, But I get nasty comments every day, I also hate it when businesses that are not Trans-Phobic go out their way to do so, I am pretty liberal, but being overlay accommodating is well, Depressing and wrong.

I just want to be treated as a equal, not a transwoman. Just female, Blah equity sucks.

But what do I know? I'm not as they say a woman boran woyman, Ive even seen things which are funded by the city of San Francisco, to go as boldly to say "Only women born women" are allowed to attend. Needless to say it was a outreach rpobram it was on an event fl yer widely given out to drop in centers here

I would never go there, or want help from a group Like that, its like totally weird, the Trans-Phobia that exists is drastically diff rent than In Texas, Louisiana or Miss. But it exists but less so in San Francisco, I wonder if it exists due to fear of law suits, sometimes I will notice places will mam or sir folks but wont me, I also know some local businesses have even outed me as a trans-woman to other employee's.

But Given the Free Enterprise of capitol ism, I can chose where to spend my money. I only make a stand when It is just But Quietly observer, Ive thought of making a database of Trans-phobic businesses, in the bay area, and rate things on my upcoming San Francisco rescues forums

Ive also noticed GLBT friendly businesses are not always T friendly but I don't go out the way, to cause trouble. these days. Maybe a Unofficially appointed Unofficial watchdog is in the order for me. some of these businesses make the comment, and go out of the way to keep other employees from "miss" me or "out" me.--


I also lost some documents on a commuter train last night, called 311 and filed a Police report, a meeting is in order, Ive been a utter butch lately slightly insane, but just crappy. I lost my name maker change paper work tired aorund 10pm last night after a late night dinner a a lot of DMV paper work


I slept ok, I ate somewhat ok thismorning, and rested well. I have a concuelignapointment about my depression and PTSD at the womens clinic.




Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/23/08

The reality of myself, and who I am as an in divudal sets clear, I discussed with ray, how much though I dont idol him, worship him or woriship 12-step meetings, I have been icolating, and wanted to tell him I love him, I think I would be in jail or prison or drunk or dead or have gone on a viglantie spree, if I had not found (again) when I was ready the fellowship of AA.

The reality is, I have much to commit, for myself and what I need to do. I plan and take on to much it is one of my flaws, but on a postive note, I put others before myself, and I contunie to progresss, into enlightment and zen. I signed up and contacted someone for the rent control canvising for the city upcoming election.

I further more went to my morning meeting, and ave a few other commitments for myself and life and progressive enlightenment for myself. I spoke up for myself, and further more others spoke up as well, ray taught me the proper

I ate ok, some grilled veggies, and also drank water and of course coffee, sent e-mails, called a few old friends, I also am going to do my DPS drivers license soon, and travel soon, and go pick up my pickup truck in Phoenix pending transport.

I have an appointment with a worker and therpsit, and other things. And other things, enrol met at the collage in a few weeks an appointment at the law center, this moring, some other lady stood up as I did in fear, the board meeting and we will do something about it, amazingly the group as sq whole or at least today doesn't feel unsafe, but about 1/.3 or us do.

Not to focus on that, but the group does agree each day he is drinking in the meeting, and carrying multiple cornfield weapons needs to be addressed and asked to leave, one day at a time. Seems to be the consensus, now he feels I am “working against him for the police” I fear for my safety, now I am in the postisit others put me i9n, but I am being assertive and confidant which I did not before, I used to be a drunk, paranoid, homophobic, trans-phobic, cold heated bitch, and that is changing one day at time 9 months 14 days later, it works!

Furthermore, I am making progress and becoming more secure withmyself without drinking, or abusing drugs similar to Barry bonds, one of san Francisco's shame, who disappeared form AT&T park like a Mafia style hit, without a trace.

Eyes with out a face, but I have voice, I slept well and took a shower and worked my program and took good care of myself, and continue to progress in my program and working my life.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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4/20/08

The reality of life and what I do, is more. The reality of myself, and who I am is what I know more. The reality is what I know and who I know, is what I feel. I discovered myself. And my chapter to my own awaking. I slept good, no plumbing problems this morning in the bathroom, I got opt late late night 9:30 ish, and awoke around 3:45 AM (PST) this morning and continue to the path to enlightenment and inner peace.

The reality is, I look foward to the future, I accepted defeat, that I cant change the past, or resentments about the past. I cant change resentments toward, Houston Area Community Services, The Houston Transgender Unity Community, Chirtsan Williams, (HACS / Transgender)Antique, Victor, Carl. John, James, Elmadean, Tina, Henry, (Wal-Mart 3296) i ALSO know I have to let go, and with working on my resenemtns and starting over with-out repeating prior transgressions, I tdcidded to cancel and rebook, my trip ot phonix for the poruopse of transporting my truck and little proepty seince I purged and walked away.

Many years later, I shallk return to houston to make ammends, but First I must get some managaabilly in my life once again. I had a wondeerful womens meeting, our lady of safe way might get swapped for the Alano Club or The marinia Dock again.

I am unsure as to what I might do, but one day ata time, progress not prefection I make peace withmyself and chapter to my own gnositism.

4/21/2008

In other news, today I ate ok, some (gasp) fish even though vegan, to keep the bitch swithc off I shall, I further progressed and got my health back I have not been eating well sometimes doing a day or two with only a begal for lunch or so, and drinking to much coffee or to little water of fluids.

I supposed I am depressed, and stressed, but still sober. Today was ok as far as producativitey but semi lazy, I ahng out at the center a bit and took care of some leagl forms, and fincial ammends to people places and things in texas. I also found out someone I know from my party days is back in conty and going to huntsville on a 3^rd strike for numrouis felonys.

I also found out more, about past things, and was a bit busy-body as I am very good at doing. I ate ok, rested, and took care of life. I further progressed into peace. I talked to ray, and thanked him, and asked for his plans of 50 years sober the golden soberity. I e-mailed ben some things.

I talked to danille a bit, and moved on but I have been being alone latey, Pushing folks away not calling, I think I found a sponsor that works for me, and I can be totally honest with. I also have a new crush to speak of, that I like, and I contunie further into enlighemnt even if at my nown scoail life a bit down, and mellowing out, and becomijgn less self-centered, needly and busy bodyish.

I love life, I just am leanening to live again, I had a salad recently and also saw another fucked up cracked out transtgender whom “knows me” I dont know you well, I dont asscoaite with people who drink use drugs or at least make a honest effort to stop. Its not my problem.

Maybe sometimes I am a cold-hearted bitch, but at least I admit my faults and admit my fact, and views are not mainstream GLBT or Transgender, or women or my LDS (former) faith.

4/22/08

TODAY went to our lady of safe way MB was disruptive, and carried a “CLUB” into the AA meeting, I stood, up and called 911- at 7:30 AM this morning and SFPD arrived at 8:15 way after the meeting, I am tired of not being safe this week, I have been bothered I hate when drunks hit on me, grope me or otherwise don't make me feel safe inside the church which I attended meetings, I saw Ben is morning who is going to Houston for a conference, which I told to say hi to old friends, and aqauinaces, and gave him some resources to use.

In other news, I slept well had a wonderful shower, yesterday was somewhat productive, I am planning my trip amongst other factors, I also have to pick up my MUNI fastness soon as well. And have much to do, I checked mail some of the Trucks Tax documents were enclosed.

I understand moving, and geographics is stressful for sobriety, but I understood, like hell as selfish and cold hoarded and even as MB was this morning, that could be me, and furthermore I have no Hard feelings toward my biggest resentment myself, but To be damned if I admit defeat to those I associate ith me becoming a drunk.

I am acoutnbale for how I deal with it the meeting is deviled with this. I am tried of MB coming to the meetings drunk with booze in the back pocket, why the fuck should I change where I go to meetings, the next step is to contact the church administration about my concerns, I am not going to let this go. Just as I was in the past, I now am put in a simaulr suituion. I go there to be safe, and sober, and around someone who day after day, drinks, uses, bums coffee and gets out the cold, to use over and over again, AA isn't really the place, county jail or a detox, is the place. And yes I am afraid and no I will not sit idle, that's how I rashionaled my drinking, acts of violence, and other affairs.

You cant help someone that doesn't want it, but you can send them to jail, maybe they will have their moment of calory maybe not, I am powerless over someone's choice not to be sober, but if My safety and sobeeeirty and someone armed with a potetnional deadly weapon and drinking, needs to stop, I will take this where ever it needs to go, how ever far it goes. I don't have a problem, with MB I have a problem with Mbs actions, and behaviors, much as others did with me.

The irony, I'm going to stop my eating disorder thing, take better care of myself. And move forward. I need another meeting, because my meeting is bound by threats of valiance; that stupid far left liberals, try to forgive, why the fuck should I by cookies out of the goodness of my ehart to slow chronic active drug users and drugs to sit in a meeting, that obviously daunt want to change they want coffee, shelter from the cold, and food and go back out again, fuck that shit, Id rather maybe a moment t of sober and reality in jail would give them desire to stop. Maybe getting beat up by law enforcement would help.

It worked in my case, I realized I wore out my welcome and moved forward. Maybe others need a moment of clarity as well.

In any matter a huge vegan lunch nis ion order, I have some banking and other forms to print later at the center, I have a appointment with some civil legal matters and move on with my life, plus soon a trip to the DPS office is in order. Caio.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

The Answer is, I Don;t Know, I just keep coming back!

4/18/08

The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundaries, I don't understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.

Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my San Francisco resources, I didn't have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I managed to take another shower or half ass, I still smell clean and pissy.

I am a bit in good spirits, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Standards southern hospitably, but friendly tell it AS IT is, personality. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habits but not the drinking, I learned to be evil, a liar and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.

I have had some early child-flashbacks living in San Francisco, I also learned more about my own personal jesus. I also learned I am better when I don't get to caught in self, and Listen more and respect outs boundaries and not even though my over observation, and good detective skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assailant given I was a bright child, and highly intelligent.

I feel more with my own personal Recovery depends on service, resigning the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightenment for my soul, and heart mind and body is a temple.

I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightenment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightening for my soul. I learned more and more about myself and continue to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.

Powerless over the past, I have power over the present minute, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.

I slept good last night, had plumbing problems this morning (San Francisco is a old city) I also took care of other things, rested, ate grilled seasoned potato's, coffee, ice water, grilled onions, grilled garlic

I went walking, called the folks, took care of other things, might have to move to a different living arrangement due to plumbing and other things. I rested more, walked and fellowship with a new comer, I like life, and took care of other things, but I don't need codependacy or other parts.

I sent a few e-mails out and helped a new comer with some parts of my past and binge drinking days, I received a copy of my driving record, I am going to get my truck and property most is gone trucked to phoenix, LAX, or San Deigo.

I also composed code, the weather is lovely, I uploaded some recent photos, I have a few papers to compose for school, personal, personal business, and step work.

Myself, I worked more on setting up the servers content management system for leemcg.com 3.0 (2.0) was created than removed very very briefly, and released as 1.1, yada, yada its present form.

I also am setting up the forums, chat, and is modeled for outreach and work simulr to Christians TransHouston site, whom my resentment, towards self, and others but I move on in my planner to today.

And is also why I am not taking my flight in august to New Orleans International airport, from Oakland International Airport. I found a place to store my picked close to the San Francisco Airport outside San Francisco in the city of south sun Francisco, not far from 101, and the big mountains and hiking which you can go camping in 4x4 pickup trucks.

The other factor, is I am sober today, I am not going to drink today, get angry, go insane, or take drugs or drink. I live pretty vegan, straight edge and somewhat simple. Just some material things I am not ready to part with.

I also don't know what I want I spent all of my 27 years around others ideals, beliefs, I don't know who the real lee is per say. I will find her, I have these mixture of emotions, I don't have anger at males, other Lesbians, Transgenders, Gays, Bisexuals, Gender Quuers, Youth, drugs, crackpots, fallen women, or women of the night, I make progress not perfection.

I am grateful I enevr had to escort, drug, or other things, but I did abuse HRT and steroids, 9 months and 6 days ago was my last drink, and for that I am turely greatful. We do what we must to make it in the world.

I had to walk away because the biggest resentment in Houston was myself, not anyone sle, I had to make a new me. Its hard, but I am learning to be quiet and listen, and my cruch ona Russian lesbian has gone with the wind, I am to young in sobriety for relationships, but I have the fellowship of AA, and sobetrity and clarity, the answer is how it works.......... I don't know, I just keep coming back, and somehow it works out, one day at a time.

Your sister in sobriety Leigh.

4/18/08

The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundeires, I dont understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.

Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my san francsico resocues, I didnt have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I manged to take another shower or half ass, I still smeel clean and pissy.

I am a bit in good spsirts, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Sandards southern hosptialy, but friendly tell it aS IT is, personallity. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habbits but not the drinking, I leanred to be evil, a lier and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.

I have had some early child-flashbacks living in san francsico, I also learned more about my own personal jesus.I also learned I am better when I dont get to caught in self, and Listen more and respct outs bournderies and not even though my over observation, and good detectiuve skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assaitanct given I was a bright child, and highly intellegent.

I feel more with my own perosnal Recovery depends on service, rasiging the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightment for my soul, and hearnt mind and body is a temple.

I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightinging for my soul. I leanred more and more about myself and contunie to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.

Powerless oever the past, I have power over the presnt minuite, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.

Last Night I slept good, had some bathroom plubming problems (san francisco is a old city) and ate good roasted seasoned potatios, coffee, water, and grilled onions and garlic.

I went to my meeting, socialized, fellowshiped with service to a newcomer, and took care of a few other things

Lee McInnis Gaetjens

Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/18/08

The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundeires, I dont understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.

Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my san francsico resocues, I didnt have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I manged to take another shower or half ass, I still smeel clean and pissy.

I am a bit in good spsirts, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Sandards southern hosptialy, but friendly tell it aS IT is, personallity. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habbits but not the drinking, I leanred to be evil, a lier and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.

I have had some early child-flashbacks living in san francsico, I also learned more about my own personal jesus.I also learned I am better when I dont get to caught in self, and Listen more and respct outs bournderies and not even though my over observation, and good detectiuve skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assaitanct given I was a bright child, and highly intellegent.

I feel more with my own perosnal Recovery depends on service, rasiging the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightment for my soul, and hearnt mind and body is a temple.

I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightinging for my soul. I leanred more and more about myself and contunie to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.

Powerless oever the past, I have power over the presnt minuite, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.

Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/18/08

The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundeires, I dont understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.

Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my san francsico resocues, I didnt have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I manged to take another shower or half ass, I still smeel clean and pissy.

I am a bit in good spsirts, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Sandards southern hosptialy, but friendly tell it aS IT is, personallity. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habbits but not the drinking, I leanred to be evil, a lier and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.

I have had some early child-flashbacks living in san francsico, I also learned more about my own personal jesus.I also learned I am better when I dont get to caught in self, and Listen more and respct outs bournderies and not even though my over observation, and good detectiuve skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assaitanct given I was a bright child, and highly intellegent.

I feel more with my own perosnal Recovery depends on service, rasiging the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightment for my soul, and hearnt mind and body is a temple.

I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightinging for my soul. I leanred more and more about myself and contunie to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.

Powerless oever the past, I have power over the presnt minuite, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.

Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

A open letter in Progress but Not Prefection!

4/16/08

The reality of being sober, Progress not perfection.

An e-mail to my geeky, gender queer sponsor.

“I am feeling better, I rested yesterday from 3 pm awoke at 7pm, and slept more, had an interview yesterday, and I also got more sleep, went to the our lady of safeway meeting tbhis morning, I feel better and less of a bitch as I have been lately, Ive been being quiet and listning more, I am sorry for exploeding recently at the country club, I rested good for my soberity and soul and feel better.

I awoke again at 2am and got up and showered at 4am, My back pain went away, and I got must needed sleep and r&r, I have been eating betterr and adherieing to my vegan belifes and following my religous beleiefs and have cut back on dariy, meat, starch, and coffee and tea, soda and junk foods.

I also am still working the 1st steap in paragrpah form.”

Yesterday Recap:

I am takeing better care of myself, and also Called my father to tell him I am sorry about calling his wife nasty names, sometimes I can be a cold hearted bitch, I also talked to a nice security guard downtown, and in conversation outed myself as a former drunk, who didnt drink in meetings and kept comeing back.

We were discussing the politics of San Francisco and Gavin Nustom, and the welfare and homeless issue in San Franccisco, given yeterday afernoon. And using MUNI for school commuters and the bad kids that need a good ass kicking.

Yetserday some rude kids pushed me a bit, and called me something, kids today are nastym, rude and have no manners the world has become a cesspool, and San Francsico whuile as librial as it is, Is an adults playground and not a good place to rase-childrent or have children unless you are very wealthy, live in the suburbs.

Regardless, we also talked more election politics, and I slept and had a good informal interveiw, I also ran into someone from the LDS church that I had not seen in a very long time afterwards.

This WEEK:

I have a counceling apointment and therpey apointment., and other things this week I am very busy. And tired and sleepy. I also burned out more and more and might go down to the university later this week. I also have understood the trip to Louisiana and Texas is NOT A GOOD IDEA, and think of phonix, and AZ or LAX as a place, I also found a auto storage place in South San Francsico not far from the airport (SFO) and The port and cargo plants, I also found places in other things.

God (of my understanding) Bless myself, texas, San Francisco, My Higher power and My own personal Jesus.

I have a wonderful day and life and faith restored.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger