My motto and quote for today and life

11/13/07

I discovered today, That I as an individual am well selfish and have a effect of being a kind person, but also am good at reading folks and using people and being a habitual lier, I need to change my lifestyle and individual and my brutal honesty and spunky spontaneousness self hurts others. And I can use that to do the greater good in the world.

I am a amazing person and I am very grateful for what I have and don't resent what I have or haven't done or what happened in my 2years off and on binging and binge drinking .and hurting others. I have to accept the present and change what I can and accept what I did and didn't do, and just fucking let go already.

I have something I want and by the grace of god I am going to get it though faith, honesty, and working to get it. And I am going to archive my goals. I accept the fact my family and other will never understand me. I also want to compose and help others even though deep I am hurting I have to stop griveing and bitching about what could have, would have or should have or had not happened and let go.

People are telling me left and right I am better but have a long way to go, its possible I am, fuck I give myself a pat on the back I am better and let go, and if others don't see that well fuck em' thats my motto.

Fuck em'

I am getting better and if others resent and still fear me , fuck em'

Shit fucking happens already fuck em'

If you cant bedazzle them with your brilliance than don't bedazzle them with your bullshit. Fuck em'

Thats my motto in LIFE which I have again, to speak. In a manner.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Daily affirmations and discovery and sober thoughts

10/31/07

Blah tonight is a stinker, all the drunk folks. And I am sober just looking at people making a fool out of them selves, here on this patio just watching in mild amusement. I went to the farmers market today, purchased a large quainity of onions , and have to run to the grocery store, later have to go someplace in the afternoon and eveing tommorow, and early in the morning.

The Parking downtown is crap, and did briefly conicder attending the engine room, but wisely declined as well. Blah It sucks to be alone, but I like it at least here, went down town to watch the bullshit and have more greatful amongst recently relased inmates at the harris county jail inmate processing center, upon my rertun came on the patio for more well bullshit, have a paper to work on as well as other factors, and some home work and tasks to attend next week early, I also discovered more and more about myself.

I also discovered my faith and well journey to wonderland, because texas is going bye bye, when I followed the white rabbit, and I knew that, and the path has been set, because everyday is halloween.

Blah, I wish the pain could end, but I must deal with my self. My motto is fuck it, or fuck em all.

Sucide is not a option for the following reasons even if bloging and composing utterly depressing things is good enough for the reason is.

1. I signed a contract that I would not

2. what if i fuck up and make my self a cripple

3. someone still cares someplace

4. its selfish

5. I did this to myself.

6. I leave behind a nasty mess to clean up that I know to well.

7. Im fucking emo dammit

8. I am a fighter and I will make ti through this

Even though I Like life, and enjoy to a degree and sometimes am to outgoing, and a busybody, I understand that doing right and being a fighter. And to be myself, I must be selfish to myself. I also discovered that pushing people away, my terrosit, stalker, and bad reputation as a busybody turns people already sceptical of me off further. Maybe I just need to find zen, and inner peace.

I also noticed that I learned a lot more about life than I needed to more recently I did also discover more and more, and have some anger toward my father who hung up on me and hung up over and over again. Blah. Boo, Poo.

I also learned that I know more than I did than and continue to live, learn and grow more and more. And that admission, amends, and time and working on myself can heal my wounds, my sponsor I am worried about she is busy and I am shopping for a new sponsor.

In other news, I discovered more about myself and learned I am calm, collected, cool and laid back that I know more about myself than I would like to know or care to, and remember why I became a drunk in the first place.

I also learned more and more that life is good and why I love, living again and again, and How to let go and I shall discover more. We turn the page to the present.

I under stand that I push people away, maybe I need time to greive, and I hope people are doing well, but I know I take a chance when I put myself in suituitions which is why as the present moment I am composing this in the dennys at willcrest and the katy freeway near the laquinta inn and one of my favorite places inW town.

I have to pick up some items here, and make a few drops and discoverys. And also have a lot on hand this week, and to finish at hand. I also understood more about myself and I know more what i must do in the future, present, and let go of the past, and con tinue to work toward my higher power, a faith, a system, and order, from the past which is swept under the carpet, the pain, and suroundings tuned, out to zen and inner peace, I know I must continue to go running and grow, and bloom and blossim.

Rules and plans for life

1. don't panic

2. remain calm, cool and collected with each action and reaction

3. think things over

4. Remember HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) it works and use that with step #2

5. Contiune to practice fitness

6. Keep information flowing to my brain, live, learn and read and keep informed of current events

7. contiune writing, blogging and practiceing art, and takeing photosa

8. Mingle, go to meetings, make it through hour by hour, day to day, I can do it

9. Remain postive and optimisc

10. Make a list of everything I have to be postive about

11. make a list and plan every day and follow them out

12. dont sweat minor things

13. do good deeds but dont brag about them

14. do not remain overly narsscisic, self centered

15. do not busy-body, stalk, harass or practice terrosit actions

16. remember & practice an idle mind is the devils play ground

17. remember & practice a mind is a terrale thing to waste

18. dont over induldge in food

19. dont go overboard with shopping

20. dont go shopping when angry or depressed

21. make a list when going shopping & stick to it

22. remember and practice do on-to others as you would do yourself

23. keep yourself, living area celan

24. know my spirtual,emontional and physcal bounderies and respect them

25. pray and mediate daily

26. think about the future make goals follow them though

27. be secure with employement, education and life and zen

28. be more forgiveing and kind and chartible

29. dont be selfish and self-centered

30. help those in need, with service, actions and kindness

31. 
    

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

daily outlook and affirmations

I discovered more about myself, sponsors can fail. People change and grow, Rents due the next few days, I also have to pay the wireless bill. And other issues. I also discovered something else, about myself. I know more and more and live, and grow more and more.

I plan to this week face my fears, yesterday at the coffee shop I disovered a lot of wrong and pain I have and suffer in my soul. I discovered more and more and grow more. I may go to a group today, and finish and turn in a few more apps and call the atty. Thursday I have to go out to baytown and fire up my pickup truck. I have to pay the tax man of harris county also soon. December and get a new inspection as well. I also plan to get a oil change on thrursday if I have time if not most likely this weekend.

I washed and waxed my truck yesterday, went to the grocery store, went walking this morning, droped some mail off at the post office. And checked my po box as well. I also have grown used to the soothing sounds of the southwest freeway, and 288 as well and the building shaking I no longer notice. I have been dreaming more of other things. I hope others are doing well.

I had more of a reminder of my trucking opertunity days more recently. An article about the privatisation of war, with out a draft, the risks private security contratractors, private fuel truck drivers, privite supply depot drivers. And the growing privatitazation of the united states armed services. Its where I want to be, But I cant dwell on the past, and dreams shatterd by poor choice I did to myself.

First things, first. I cant get caught up in other peoples things, I must focus on myself. And getting through the cold holliday season and all the bars and party goers around me. I am greatful I have 3 months almost 4 months sober given its hard to make it. I hurt but pull through, and I will make it through to my 27^th birthday sober. That is for certin. Or I would rather die than to take another drink.

In other news, I have also learned I have laundry today, some personal calls, and a group to go to this morning. I also discovered where I want to go in life more so. I know who I am and where I am going, just going along as the capricorn I am slow, and steady, but rugged and making it to the top even if stubborn. Even I drive a capricorn type auto. Is my mule for a mule.

In other news, I have been thinking, when I was at the store in alexzandra, LA and between Houston, TX and Harvey, LA I have been remebering sort of the paperwork and the new orleans poilce came and purchased a large quanity of on hand firearms and camping equipment, and ammo. But also placed a large order. And its possible some of the things I sold them could have been used to kill, or restore law to from the lawless. And bring order to cahos.

What made me think of it was,the fact I saw some law enfrocement doing good, and helping someone in crisis most are good fine folks, I encontered some hicks, and well just fucked with people, and people washed their hands, in helplessness. You cant help those who dont help them selves, and just bitch about it.

I have been thinking of and hopeing for a white christmass and hope I do not spend the hollidays alone, though I have no plans for thanksgiving or christmass. I envision this year as opossed to last cooking dinner alone and eating a large meal, possibly spending this christmass or thanksgiveing in a restruant alone.

Blah the urn for companionship. Ive accepted the reality I may allways be alone, and that I might be alone my whole life. And thats hard to accept but its also very realstic, given my escentric, and ultra high standards, selfishness, and high expectations and over demanding and unrealstic views, goals, and well way of life.

I also discovered more about life, life is great god,is good even if she and I do not speak very often. Even if faith and the goddess that I understand well is at odds with each other. I dont want to get sucked into any religion or faith or power, but to discover more and more of myself. Which I will continue to grow.

I also see a meeting in the future today, even though I am uncertin as to where. I occasi8only also visit primary porpouse, lamba, the highits club, post oak club and other places. And even occasionly go to meetings in montgormey and ft bend county and galviston on occasion or baytown.

Blah, I miss the open road and outdoors quite often. I miss being free of bondage and baggage. I miss having faith and self confidance, I hate being alone, that I do. I miss feeling like I belong or have love and faith. I want love again, I want to love myself. I hate going though the bullshit of life, Im being a narsssistic bitch at the present.

I talked a bit to anthoney charles recently, as well as wish roy allen palmor would call I lost your number, maybe Ill find it in my phone records sometime soon. I must be more opnomistic as of late, and postive and stop burshing people away. I want folks to understand the real me. And get to know me.

But truth be told, the discovery of myself is in order. I must grow, more and more. I dont have control over the past, others opnions of me, other peoples views, or misconceptions of me, or what others think of me. I have control over what I choose, to do, who I befriend, not drinking, being postive, cheerful and optomisic.

I cant control whats done is done, first things first, I do have more optomisim today, given the postive out look. I must let go and stop hanging around bad places. I do know I have and will discover more about myself if I have the capisity to be honest, loyal, and break free and admit to my faults, past transgressions and let go.

I do know and have been wondering if I am any better than those who mistreated me, and yes, I accept that I may nevr have just for my injustice, given I caused others injustice. But I am getting better, one day at a time, slow and steady, I make it. I progress, and live, learn and grow, and blossom and bloom as the flowers of spring.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

my feelings and postive thoughts, affermations, and not being a selfless bitch today

10/24/07

My wonderful sponsor wants me to write daily about things to be grateful for. I am grateful to have a wonderful therapist, to be sober, and not be getting in trouble. Working my very painful list of those I have wronged. Working on myself, tax, debit, job hunting and faceting my very much pain and starting over toward transition and boasting my fragile confidence, and inner soul.

I met someone whom is also trans and we care a lot about each other from out of town but in the lone star state, I am hurting very badly with the pain.

I am glad, to have sobriety, a roof over my head, a truck and people who care, and some who care and had to let go of me for ethical reasons, their own sanity, and also because of bad self-distractive actions to myself, and others out of personal safety and the greater good of a community as a whole.

Hopefully they will contact me to make amends, or fate will bring it. But I am actually shy, quiet and laid back. I am learning a lot about myself. Or think I am.

I ate a stuffed salsa , jalapeno veggy wrap today, and had a baked potato. In other news. I e-mailed my father today. And send brand the ghost stuff for haunted Houston when she keeps on trucking. Talked to Jennifer late last night.

And prayed and cleaned house, My neighbor has been missing for almost a week, I never knew how much I missed her, and oddly enough a tire and rim showed up. I wonder what the fuck is going on if she moved out, or is drinking or using drugs. I hope she is ok.

I've been thinking about GM lately, wondering if she is still sober. But I need to be alone,I have been saving my chips for her. I think about her a bit. We became to close to fast.

I also went to two meetings today one at lambda, another at primary porpoise. And hung outside at Taft street today. And mailed some packages and sent some bills off and did some job hunting.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

self growth for today

10/21/07

My day to today was interesting and obscure and also very well emotionally painful. I didn't sleep much, I had a odd desire and dream and well cravening last night and remembering more pain I caused others. I went to a church this morning searching for faith,alas I have none.

I also had horrid dreams, its embarrassing but I remember bad, nasty hateful things I did to others, and sometimes I don't awaken and bed wet in the nightmares as em brassing as the pain is. I also dreamed something else horrid, that I did or had someone else do for me to keep my hands clean.

I went to the office warehouse and went through files, I also read up some on illness and depression and other things, Its hard for me as a Capricorn to admit defeat. I have a plan to reach in 18 months as a goal. And I would rather die sober than to falter or relapse in my plans.

I found something else today, I went grocery shopping, hauled off some crap, and went urban exploring and searching for more of myself and my past. I also did some house work and domestic things. Talked to a old church friend thats in Utah today before he went to church.

I am making my thanksgiving plans, I also crossed paths with a old friend out in past the old me, I talked to the folks and family more about my gender identity and transsexual issues, and we debate things, but in honesty it did not shock some people who raised me and took care of me growing up. Just some debate as to when they took form is debatable.

Ive been dreaming of things, and the movie the return is a good relationship to how my life is going at the present, the creepiness and earyness. I am remembering something horrid I did, and It hurts, and I am going legitimate, but the pain is really bad. I know I cant allow things to build up, I go to a few meetings a week. But mainly just stooping by helps where I started I just have so much to do, but not to much in sanity.

I don't want the pain, and don't want to be out and about around town, but I have tasks to finish and much to do Monday morning, Ive stopped spending nights on roof tops, and now spend nights, in parking lots, utility corridors, and off road overlooks of rivers and bayous. Though I still occasionally go on roof tops my train of thought is depressing. Ive been dreaming of a motorcycle as of late.

I had a salsa very wrap today with Tabasco sauce and have been dreaming more of well the future and somewhere there is a 3 series awd supercharged hard top convertible along with a A+ cert and the pacific coast highway in the picture.

I also this morning understood why MM and JT want me to get further help, and listened to talk radio watching the nightlife drunks, and binge eating and throwing up and a upset tummy ache last night, some people burn out and need something more to help them. I had a lot of trauma, and I want justice, but the truth is I wonder if I deserve it. I honestly am more quiet, shy and laid back. I don't like crowds and like to people watch, if someone finds me interesting maybe ok, but I have high standards and taste, I am very generous and caring and giving and charitable, and like to give service with time, skills, and giving things materialistic even if I purchase it for that reason.

I also saw someone more recently that brought more and more pain into my life, I had a shock wave as of late on the north loop and some more painful thoughts hitting me back when I had a desire of drinking more and more.

I plan to reach my goal, even if I reach it and give up to achieve enlightenment. I am scared but I am making it and reaching myself. And growing.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)