Photo of me this morning

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The truth Is I do more, with myself and my life. I have a dream of inner most peace, I am greatful for what I did have life, sobriety, and renewed faith. I also am glad for being here, and alive. I miss my folks, I hope things come through this week. I am close to finical enlightenment, going back to school, at the young age of 27, I look really pretty, and am passing and blending in more.

I ran into a trans-man friend recently who is in the program and has little less than 2 months, maybe I wil sponsor him. I understand what its like to struggle with yourself. And suffer. I hope he gets it. I think gina masten is still in jail, I might go visit when I go to Houston, but prob bely not.

I dreamed more recently of life, and enlightenment more. I also slept good and ok, and have been taking good care of myself, and I want life and love, I fear being alone all of my life, I fear loosening what I could have.

I cant resent the past, Texas, Houston. Ive also noticed my emotions have been a little off the wall as of late, and across the board, its odd and obscure on how I feel and who I am as an Individual,.

Myself personally, its not all about me, and give me, but give back. I also had the enlightening vision of a future and life re-born again in faith, and my own personal jesus Christ as a I understand her.

I also have the enlightenment and a Bill of life, into my peace, love and higher power and own personal jesu christ, and had the enlightment of my faith and higher power. I know finace and fait, progress not prefection and life of who and what I am.

I know being in my present cirmstances scares me, greatly and dearly, into my own personal, jesus. I also know my faith, and higher power of myself and life. I miss my family, and friends, I miss having meaning but know this path is the step to rebuilding my life, I think so anyway. It hurts so much, and so good, bring the pain on within, myself.

I also know my family, church family and past hurts. My therapist conn clues and fulfills, my life I know who and what enlightenment, brings into myself and faith of my higher power I need my personal jesus Christ for who I am, and know what I do is progressive though slowly I make progress down the circle of life, into the path to the future. Ive been walking more as of late, and know its the correct path for my life and faith and higher power.

Ive been getting mamed more and more and miss. I also know my dad will always be my dad, and I have the resentment

I am loved, by myself, sometimes I get lonely, I hurt to share parts of my life, pain and suffering with otters, but I am attractive sometimes, I feal sexy today and beautiful more and more. I know who and what I am for myself, and love myself moreover. I am myself and own personal jesus chrrist

I also have not been sleeping as much as I should but I am taking good care of myself, I bought some new foundation this week, and tried out some new power and blush. I also did my hair again it looks pretty. I also have some things to pick up, I need new shoes, its amazing how fast you go through shoes, these got dirty sort of the canvas ballet flats, I should have picked a different color maybe I can clean the canvas.

I also have a few things I need to do, and for myself and life I don't know what, I might stay where I am given its closer to downtown atm. I also miss my folks, I further worked on a 1^st step and composing the letter to MLS and DLG

I also have to do some name and maker change, I'm going to get a noterised letter for the TSA when flying given I am terriefed of government officals, and law enfrocment mainly due to being abused by such, on occasion and sometimes I would intentionaly put myself in that suitution and matter.

I get hit on a lot not being like overly trashy I duno I have new wardrobe, I scarfaced a lot to achive where I AM and I am starting to reap the re-wards as such and the enlightment I have been given the gift of life.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

12/25/07

Had a amusing day today, took photos out on Galveston island, went to a meeting or two. Have these feelings and emotions and weird things, it was the first time I drove on a freeway, and on hills in a long time. I also had some fuck heads mess with me on 45 near the south sam Houston toll way fuck with me flip me off and say a bunch of obscenity and verbally taunt me, and I walked away from it on my way down there.

I found some sea shells, and part of a coral which amused me, a very hard peace of a reef in the foam and surf side, ate good arrived back in Houston around 2pm, and ate left leftovers from labma, had more meemories of my mother, others and things from the past.

Also remembered more of my life, and grew more, was scared shit less I don't like driving anymore, the freeways and those that drive from Galveston to Houston or from clear lake, weber, frendswood, pearland, league city etc are insane.

I keep my mind busy and jogged around Galveston island and ran around the sea wall and went running. Its better than self-termination or a Remington shotgun to the head, in a abandoned building, or jumping 20 floors to my death and blood splattered over the ground.

I also did not see many or much law enforcement today, on my time on the island, I only saw one Galveston county sheriff on the area. Doing a traffic stop close to the Harris county line (half way) in

I also passed and mucked around Tiki Island a bit. And had to use the 4x4 nice having a Baja Pickup Truck. I want my peace, and love of life and optimism again, and the resentments and insanity to end, self termination inst a option , nor is drinking, I'm not sure.

I think my time is coming in closer and close somewhat of sorts I don't know why, I had a spiritual experience to myself, I had peace I occupied my pain and learned I cant handle change or a road trip or insanity or much else. I don't know what I do not want to be mind fucked.

Maybe admitting defeat to the insanity is good, maybe the end isn't so near, maybe just the beginning But I already Knew that, It scared the shit out me, my neighbor was drinking, I have a nose for a drunk and stupidity

The other factor is I also have more and more and grew myself, I know what I must dod even if I have not done, it I have zen even though its not pleasant I have enlightenment sort of I think one day at a time I go back in time, I remember now and remembered painful, things I don't want to remember but I did, reality is a bitch, so I deal with it, I just don't talk about it, I cope sort of, I have to love myself, live breathe in passion, love and joy again I hope anyway, I hope to live another day in spirit again, I hope to breathe in passion sort of. I'm going to get an eye exam also soon.

I slept good and last night went to a al-at hon at a 24 hour club, and met some young folks under 18 aa members and under 21 who already fucked them selves up and had some juvenile probation and Juvenile Department of corrections kids there.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

The Lone Ranger on Dallas downtown Houston

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

My recent photo shoots and updates

n




The neo
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

My life and discovery today and beyond

I alsohad my name removed from the church records

Saturday, October 20, 2007

my life in houston

10/20/07

The growth of myself, and I am working the 4ht step and inventory

> 2. When you are ready to make a beginning on your fourth step, remember
> there is no hard or fast rule. You should, however, end up with three
> lists; among them would be a list of resentments of people, institutions or
> principles, including the reason why you are angry. Page 65 in the Big Book
> is a good layout to follow, but don't get confused (which I did) about the
> actual wording. Stick with your own life. Then if you need help, I will
> help you figure out what part of your life each item of the list has an
> affect on, such as self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal and sex
> relations.
>
> Another list would be one of your fears, with no resentment in
> connection with them.
>
> A third list will be to review when and how, and in just what instances
> did your selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and
> yourself? Page 52 in the Twelve and Twelve will help with this (second
> paragraph).
>
> That's about it Lee, for now, except let me refer you to p. 46 in the
> Twelve & Twelve, beginning with the middle paragraph and finishing to the
> end of p. 47. This will give you a heads up on the reasons most people have
> a hard time with the fourth step, including moi.

Thats the attachment after the meeting with my sponsor today. In other news, I have opened myself up more to understanding and acceptability and well being more open and less bitchy, but I don't like crowds even though My narcissism ego. I don't want to add more to the above list, till I am able which for the most part I don't think is a good idea I have IRS and other matters to attend to. I am focused on leavening given My view is not good here, and I have damaged my reputation beyond repair here, which even If it is repairable, I want nothing to do with my own kind, or other trans gender folk. I find most disgusting and regardless, I find drag queens, transsexual hookers and escorts more disgusting and even cross dressers equity repulsive.

I crossed boundaries and have a very long list of things to write, the problem is well the memories are coming back bad. I remember at one time I had a friend of mine tail, or run a plate number etc. for my own mischievous purposes or install a gps tracking device, and even had bugged a room in a building, or slashed tires the hate of myself and insecurity and demon. I want to be good and kind again, the anger was inside myself and at myself and I wasn't ready and I am uncertain how to preside but I plan to do step 4 very honestly and passionately and other means.

In other news I got a bit done today, and worked on some issues and have a drive outside the city for some personal affairs in the morning or tomorrow and Monday I have much to bring to my un-manageable tasks here in Houston before leavening for San Fransisco ideally, next fall winter 2008 before new years hopefully before Halloween or thanksgiving to start my life over in one year where I can have a clean slate and fresh start after I work on my interpersonal issues and unmanagabityly.

I'm willing to go to any-eights to move even leave everything behind, not out of shame or geographic running, but because I was wrong as much as I don't like to admit, it and even if others can forgive me, I am too ashamed to ever set foot in this town again.

I did laundry today, cooked breakfast, ate dinner, went out for coffee, and went shopping for some HBA and personal products and other tasks, I might go to memorial city, and stroll the temple grounds this weekend. Its peaceful up there im trying to get NB to go with me. She would be amazed.

In other news, I had to cut off some other pain, CE number is removed from the phone book he caused me to much pain. LR I have respected her wishes and the wishes of others.

My therapist gave me some thoughts, and I have done some research on disorders and ideas. And I have accepted that I have a problem and I am working one day at time to correct it. In other news, I have some doc appointments this week with MM and JT and also do not regret my digression this weekend it was good for my karma even if out of my usual sexual pickyness I have very high standards and am overly deadpanning and had my feelings hurt even if I lowered my standards briefly.

I have to go grocery shopping ina bit, call the insurance co, update my police report for the bum that went after my truck, and do other things. I have to work on my list the list and pain of hell. And work on more and more I have made my self assessment and my sponsor is wonderful and puts up with my bitch and I just have to bring more order to my life.

I did laundry today, and went to the bank, called the folks, and DT. Left a message at MLS, and talked to PMG. Ill probably talk to DLG tomorrow. I also have to shop around for an atty for a personal and tax red tape manner, and other issues.

I am going shopping for a individualized health care plan, and have a job fair, and resume and other things to do, and to see about a service project as well. I talked to Brandi also and took care and hope she is well.

Yetserday I got to smoke a hookia and invited in the cirlcle, I was a little queezy and tonight I am a bit sick or not feeling as well as I would like to be but I am alive and well, and have much to be greatful for, blah

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)