daily outlook and affirmations

I discovered more about myself, sponsors can fail. People change and grow, Rents due the next few days, I also have to pay the wireless bill. And other issues. I also discovered something else, about myself. I know more and more and live, and grow more and more.

I plan to this week face my fears, yesterday at the coffee shop I disovered a lot of wrong and pain I have and suffer in my soul. I discovered more and more and grow more. I may go to a group today, and finish and turn in a few more apps and call the atty. Thursday I have to go out to baytown and fire up my pickup truck. I have to pay the tax man of harris county also soon. December and get a new inspection as well. I also plan to get a oil change on thrursday if I have time if not most likely this weekend.

I washed and waxed my truck yesterday, went to the grocery store, went walking this morning, droped some mail off at the post office. And checked my po box as well. I also have grown used to the soothing sounds of the southwest freeway, and 288 as well and the building shaking I no longer notice. I have been dreaming more of other things. I hope others are doing well.

I had more of a reminder of my trucking opertunity days more recently. An article about the privatisation of war, with out a draft, the risks private security contratractors, private fuel truck drivers, privite supply depot drivers. And the growing privatitazation of the united states armed services. Its where I want to be, But I cant dwell on the past, and dreams shatterd by poor choice I did to myself.

First things, first. I cant get caught up in other peoples things, I must focus on myself. And getting through the cold holliday season and all the bars and party goers around me. I am greatful I have 3 months almost 4 months sober given its hard to make it. I hurt but pull through, and I will make it through to my 27^th birthday sober. That is for certin. Or I would rather die than to take another drink.

In other news, I have also learned I have laundry today, some personal calls, and a group to go to this morning. I also discovered where I want to go in life more so. I know who I am and where I am going, just going along as the capricorn I am slow, and steady, but rugged and making it to the top even if stubborn. Even I drive a capricorn type auto. Is my mule for a mule.

In other news, I have been thinking, when I was at the store in alexzandra, LA and between Houston, TX and Harvey, LA I have been remebering sort of the paperwork and the new orleans poilce came and purchased a large quanity of on hand firearms and camping equipment, and ammo. But also placed a large order. And its possible some of the things I sold them could have been used to kill, or restore law to from the lawless. And bring order to cahos.

What made me think of it was,the fact I saw some law enfrocement doing good, and helping someone in crisis most are good fine folks, I encontered some hicks, and well just fucked with people, and people washed their hands, in helplessness. You cant help those who dont help them selves, and just bitch about it.

I have been thinking of and hopeing for a white christmass and hope I do not spend the hollidays alone, though I have no plans for thanksgiving or christmass. I envision this year as opossed to last cooking dinner alone and eating a large meal, possibly spending this christmass or thanksgiveing in a restruant alone.

Blah the urn for companionship. Ive accepted the reality I may allways be alone, and that I might be alone my whole life. And thats hard to accept but its also very realstic, given my escentric, and ultra high standards, selfishness, and high expectations and over demanding and unrealstic views, goals, and well way of life.

I also discovered more about life, life is great god,is good even if she and I do not speak very often. Even if faith and the goddess that I understand well is at odds with each other. I dont want to get sucked into any religion or faith or power, but to discover more and more of myself. Which I will continue to grow.

I also see a meeting in the future today, even though I am uncertin as to where. I occasi8only also visit primary porpouse, lamba, the highits club, post oak club and other places. And even occasionly go to meetings in montgormey and ft bend county and galviston on occasion or baytown.

Blah, I miss the open road and outdoors quite often. I miss being free of bondage and baggage. I miss having faith and self confidance, I hate being alone, that I do. I miss feeling like I belong or have love and faith. I want love again, I want to love myself. I hate going though the bullshit of life, Im being a narsssistic bitch at the present.

I talked a bit to anthoney charles recently, as well as wish roy allen palmor would call I lost your number, maybe Ill find it in my phone records sometime soon. I must be more opnomistic as of late, and postive and stop burshing people away. I want folks to understand the real me. And get to know me.

But truth be told, the discovery of myself is in order. I must grow, more and more. I dont have control over the past, others opnions of me, other peoples views, or misconceptions of me, or what others think of me. I have control over what I choose, to do, who I befriend, not drinking, being postive, cheerful and optomisic.

I cant control whats done is done, first things first, I do have more optomisim today, given the postive out look. I must let go and stop hanging around bad places. I do know I have and will discover more about myself if I have the capisity to be honest, loyal, and break free and admit to my faults, past transgressions and let go.

I do know and have been wondering if I am any better than those who mistreated me, and yes, I accept that I may nevr have just for my injustice, given I caused others injustice. But I am getting better, one day at a time, slow and steady, I make it. I progress, and live, learn and grow, and blossom and bloom as the flowers of spring.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

My life and discovery today and beyond

I alsohad my name removed from the church records

Saturday, October 20, 2007

my life in houston

10/20/07

The growth of myself, and I am working the 4ht step and inventory

> 2. When you are ready to make a beginning on your fourth step, remember
> there is no hard or fast rule. You should, however, end up with three
> lists; among them would be a list of resentments of people, institutions or
> principles, including the reason why you are angry. Page 65 in the Big Book
> is a good layout to follow, but don't get confused (which I did) about the
> actual wording. Stick with your own life. Then if you need help, I will
> help you figure out what part of your life each item of the list has an
> affect on, such as self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal and sex
> relations.
>
> Another list would be one of your fears, with no resentment in
> connection with them.
>
> A third list will be to review when and how, and in just what instances
> did your selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and
> yourself? Page 52 in the Twelve and Twelve will help with this (second
> paragraph).
>
> That's about it Lee, for now, except let me refer you to p. 46 in the
> Twelve & Twelve, beginning with the middle paragraph and finishing to the
> end of p. 47. This will give you a heads up on the reasons most people have
> a hard time with the fourth step, including moi.

Thats the attachment after the meeting with my sponsor today. In other news, I have opened myself up more to understanding and acceptability and well being more open and less bitchy, but I don't like crowds even though My narcissism ego. I don't want to add more to the above list, till I am able which for the most part I don't think is a good idea I have IRS and other matters to attend to. I am focused on leavening given My view is not good here, and I have damaged my reputation beyond repair here, which even If it is repairable, I want nothing to do with my own kind, or other trans gender folk. I find most disgusting and regardless, I find drag queens, transsexual hookers and escorts more disgusting and even cross dressers equity repulsive.

I crossed boundaries and have a very long list of things to write, the problem is well the memories are coming back bad. I remember at one time I had a friend of mine tail, or run a plate number etc. for my own mischievous purposes or install a gps tracking device, and even had bugged a room in a building, or slashed tires the hate of myself and insecurity and demon. I want to be good and kind again, the anger was inside myself and at myself and I wasn't ready and I am uncertain how to preside but I plan to do step 4 very honestly and passionately and other means.

In other news I got a bit done today, and worked on some issues and have a drive outside the city for some personal affairs in the morning or tomorrow and Monday I have much to bring to my un-manageable tasks here in Houston before leavening for San Fransisco ideally, next fall winter 2008 before new years hopefully before Halloween or thanksgiving to start my life over in one year where I can have a clean slate and fresh start after I work on my interpersonal issues and unmanagabityly.

I'm willing to go to any-eights to move even leave everything behind, not out of shame or geographic running, but because I was wrong as much as I don't like to admit, it and even if others can forgive me, I am too ashamed to ever set foot in this town again.

I did laundry today, cooked breakfast, ate dinner, went out for coffee, and went shopping for some HBA and personal products and other tasks, I might go to memorial city, and stroll the temple grounds this weekend. Its peaceful up there im trying to get NB to go with me. She would be amazed.

In other news, I had to cut off some other pain, CE number is removed from the phone book he caused me to much pain. LR I have respected her wishes and the wishes of others.

My therapist gave me some thoughts, and I have done some research on disorders and ideas. And I have accepted that I have a problem and I am working one day at time to correct it. In other news, I have some doc appointments this week with MM and JT and also do not regret my digression this weekend it was good for my karma even if out of my usual sexual pickyness I have very high standards and am overly deadpanning and had my feelings hurt even if I lowered my standards briefly.

I have to go grocery shopping ina bit, call the insurance co, update my police report for the bum that went after my truck, and do other things. I have to work on my list the list and pain of hell. And work on more and more I have made my self assessment and my sponsor is wonderful and puts up with my bitch and I just have to bring more order to my life.

I did laundry today, and went to the bank, called the folks, and DT. Left a message at MLS, and talked to PMG. Ill probably talk to DLG tomorrow. I also have to shop around for an atty for a personal and tax red tape manner, and other issues.

I am going shopping for a individualized health care plan, and have a job fair, and resume and other things to do, and to see about a service project as well. I talked to Brandi also and took care and hope she is well.

Yetserday I got to smoke a hookia and invited in the cirlcle, I was a little queezy and tonight I am a bit sick or not feeling as well as I would like to be but I am alive and well, and have much to be greatful for, blah

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)