10/11/07
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
PO Box 66471
Houston, texas 77266-6471
Who is Me?
I am someone who is insecure with herself, who struggles to find her self and accept her self in sobriety. I struggle for the first time in my life un-certain of what to do, that I am physically and mentally able and of the mindset to handle and struggle to find inner peace with myself.
I struggle to accept things, let go of the past. I find that I know I am transsexual but hate others like my self. I struggle to accept and be rational about myself.
I feel at odds, I don't like people and went though a terroristic mad at the word, man hater due to the abuse, and self-abuse and mistreatment at the workplace and drinking. Took peoples advice as hostile and over-judgmental and even became somewhat of a vigilante. But I let go.
I am someone kind, charitable, honest loyal, would give my life to save another, like helping people, but I don't like to ask others for help. I have trouble and self-esteem issues do to abuse, and don't like asking or allowing others in my life due to being abused a lot. But I am a fighter (in spirit) and willing to go to whatever weighings inside my values, beliefs and morality and not disgrace myself, body or soul any more, with abusing others, myself, or being self-distributive.
I like the outdoors, adventure, camping, But also like cooking ,gardening, and power tools. I like helping others, church, faith, doing good deeds, being a angel on the freeway. Giving to charity with my time, and money and service work.
I have a heart and would give my physical possessions things or give away to help others, I like to spend at home and read but like to be out and about given I like to be active in the community and enjoy camping, and learning and have a curiosity about the world about me.
I face those who don't understand, the folks who don't understand me, the folks I hurt with my drinking, and self-destructive actions. I am a spirituality strong person, I really hurt and struggle with explaining gender and transsexualism to those who don't get it, or those who don't understand it. I am slowly with 90 days of clarity of life.
I know I accept myself, I know who I am, I know I am female, and transsexual, but my fears, insecurity and resentments and the Mormon thing, and family led to years of resentments. And insecurely. I know I will probably always be alone, my life is rough. But I know what direction I wish to grow and progress into. I know where I want to go today, and know Id rather be sober and I being selfish to myself now am stuck going to meetings till the day I die.
I know I want meaning in life, in work, education, and don't like being idle, and want to be active. I don't like being at home much due to being lonely. I have a likening to coffee shops and conversation and being social and things of that nature.
I like giving to others, but have trouble being close to others or building friendships or keeping them I either destroy myself. Or hurt myself, or hurt others or withdraw. Meaning why I don't keep a tv at home or Internet as those are time watchers.
I have grown into who I am, but feel 90% of people don't understand me or what makes me tick but rather than try to explain or inform trans gender issues, I withdraw into depression, homophobia, or drinking which is no longer an Option I broke free. I abused my body and have been abused, so fitness and healthy living has become one of my largest goals, running and doing chores or work which is physically demanding is very important to me to stay in shape.
I know I like myself, I know I want myself, I know I am a fighter, but the garbage I see and folks who do the drag show thing disgust me. And just get tied off seeing many lost into the cesspool of drinking, prostitution and prison and crime. I broke free but don't know why. But I just grew tired of the bull shit drama.
I want to help people, travel to places, write inform people about the world. I like being mobile as I never though I would have. I learn not to take others stereotypes and over-judgmental feelings as a resentment but to try and inform those who don't know much about the differences of gender identity and sexual ordination, and develop and teach as a missionary of sorts, a missionary of love, peace and information rather than mis-information.
Knowledge and spiritual, and interpersonal growth is key. Key to love, life and self-growth in yourself. I know who I am. And accepted it not because of others but for me. I wasn't ready some lie to them selves, and I hate or rather more politically correct dislike folks who are not true to themselves. I did it for years and years and years. And sometimes have resentments or things which is very dangerous. Some people never come outside the box and remain a square all of their life.
I also want to mention that I have seen enough death, dieing and drama. And while I feed of negativity maybe with my messed up so called childhood where everything is supposed to be enjoyable. That I miss it I have trouble fiting in and living.
I love life, and myself and wish the Latter Day Saint church would allow me to break free and grow and prosper into myself and evolve beyond the box, or ex-commutate me or remove my name for the records, I am a very tough person when I have to be but I dislike doing and fighting battles by not minding my own business, not speaking up and allowing things to get bad, or enjoy and feed of my own pain and inner suffering.
I love my aunt Darline and the alleys, but they think I am a pervert and another reason I will never remain home, why would you want to be a female, how can you be born a male transition to female, yet like other females it must be a sex thing. They don't get the differences and Houston was my choice as I prior mentioned inner city was more progressive than outside. I miss living in my old west chase apartment but don't like the neighborhood, crime and rising traffic like being able to walk here, while I love cars and the open road and outdoors. I don't like traffic anymore or being an extrema commuter.
I also dislike and have a lot of phobia or males, large packs of males that may or may not be unassuming or accepting, and black and has panic males due to those were largely black males and some has panics who abused me physical and emotionally at work and growing up I was tormented by black males and well you get the drift.
I fear letting go and being sober But I made ,it I deiced I must stay sober for not being such hurts me and destroys myself, my life and just sends things to hell. I have grown and found some insecurity's in myself but also it hurts for poor things I did to other people out of self-destructive actions, or making a bad substitution worse by being a drama queen which I have no desire to be anymore
But when working on therapy, employment, taxes and other issues I have allowed my life to fall into almost the gutter of unmanageably and death, with dishonesty, loyalty, drinking, and near suicide and being naughty.
While being life is not all fun and games. I have found nothing power, and ego while I enjoy it is not the most disreputable and most are under constant stress and scrutiny and drink or kill themselves with overdose or further destruction.
I find I want somethings which the church wanted or could have given me even my trucking and diving into work, family, someone I care about, adventure of the open road, travel for work, fitness, physically demanding field work. Or might want a office deal, but in my spare time and on the weekends my camping trips.
I still often sometimes sleeping dream of my Baja fooling camper in the back of my pickup truck often as do I dream of living in Montana or Wyoming in retirement in a pop up rv or truck camper and a big boat and large diesel 4x4 pickup truck in Canada and Alaska as well. I love high altitude and rural America and the snow, and ice I grow tired and disgusted with the city. And often wonder if my dream will ever be reachable but don't want to do that alone.
I admit my life and ego rules around me and I can be rude, obnoxious, over-judgmental, and selfish and have trouble shearing, being honest and being with others, and often I judge and stereotype other people rather than learn about them.
I find more and more about myself, I find I love my more insubstantial, electronic, and obscure music. But country, jazz., and classical relaxes me and reminds me off my mother. And as is running is very important to my sobriety. I feel before leaving Houston as I often speak I need to work on myself or my problems will follow me which is very bad due to the fact I'm almost gasp 30 years old I feel old, I milestone and while I progressed more in some areas, I allmsot sank down the tubes in others.
I also have discovered that I have issues with my self I have grown more into someone or something or somewhat of an obscurity and self-well confusion and misinformation. I find I burned out a lot of brains, knowledge with my drinking and self-distributive actions. Positive thoughts bring positive results, what I eat affects how I feel. And what I do and how I treat myself, or allow into myself writhe its media, music or popular culture affects my over all implementor.
I find I need to do what I must do for me and no one else to obtain enlightenment, and the search for knowledge is very real and urgent to the task and had to get better not to pump my body with poison, medication or more drugs to serve ego, and self comfort and inner- personal growth and enlightenment. And find myself.
I may find something else. I also found my pain within myself and what brings it, and the lies of who I am. Sunday, October 14, 2007
The reality is I discovered happiness within myself, someone in sfo made me discover what I lost my true inner self. I had to ball up in sobriety with this bad ass bullshit. At 90 days I am remembering horrid things I did when I used to party.
I remember who I am, and who I want to be not the lip of the bottle. I found something else out also. I went to a new meeting with Nancy B and others. I found other parts in myself and found what I must talk in therapy this week and bring.
The pain is I present as someone I am not, I overcame some without drinking, but must find her again, me. And the pain boils, in severity, also the bad as girl I once was, I was driving down the road, and remembered some friends I used to party with or so call friends wanted to rip off some drug dealer or drop spot in a area Houston park that is used to drop off items.
In other news, I found my folks and others know me and know what I must do for me, my traveling and self growth and direction for myself. My trueself. I also know my family, and I am loved, and might have even set a friend into a al-anon meeting due to the pain I caused her, that hurts, but I linage a lot of cops, fire, ems, and therapists and doctors could use a little al-alon from time to time.
Nancy Gave me home work also. And I found more of myself and for my homework, I found I push people way and isolate and drink to deal and medicate the pain, I had someone I pushed away that cared and liked me and dint respect me. And others don't respect me and I found something that I must do for me and I alone.
I also found some people in clarity from the past, that I didn't get along with still don't like me we are a bunch of stuck up selfish assholes and jerks and know what I need to do. And where I really want to go.
I went out a little this weekend and myself confidence and spirituality and planning to leave Houston and Texas sits and sets in. I have a plan and dream and must work toward those goals and grow and prosper within myself to grow.
Halloween the worst holiday in soberly is upcoming as are the Christmas holiday season
I also discovered that I need to grow and prosper into my themselves and I would die rather than be someone I was not just as much I would die before I take another drink, detox and 90 days is a bitch and I don't want to go though these painful feelings and emotions again.
I did those bad things because I wanted to die, I did those nasty things to others because, I hated myself, feared myself, I pissed off folks who cared now I am garbage and nobody and nothing, and scare people away from me, who care because well. I am afraid, I hurt to come out the box, I fear having being hurt again by friends, I hurt to trust others and be honest and want to be loved, I just well I'm selfish and want others to love me that I love.
I hurt so bad for what I did to a friend and other friendships and bad choices, and not standing up and being distributive to myself.
I would like to be loved, and accepted but most don't someone more recently would have and I found love and acceptance in the most odd and obscure place. And wish I could get that person to come back.
I push others away from me.
I like art, freestyle, but also money power, and control but also charity, activism and being physically active. I did physicality demanding work while being abused, I have a lot of racism and sexism in me hating blacks, Hispanics, and males but work to overcome those given those were largely those who hurt me. I hurt so bad and much.
I am in massive pain and suffering for self-distributive going around bad places and doing bad things and spending so long as someone I am not. And need to come out to speak. In other news, I sometimes miss it its a comfort zone, what I learned to be as normal to accept my transsexual feelings and as female, and while I don't want to relive the bad past, I have to to stay sober or something or its comfortable and I am learning to relive,and be born again into a birthday.
I sludged up my brain, with booze, smoke, and pills. And went recently to someone from my past to view, and learn more about myself and grow and prosper more. I also as of late have been missing bush park and bear creek park of late. I miss all the creatures out near bear creek. I often used to find road kill and once when driving though there back 2 years ago now, almost got hit by a wild boar out in west Houston, I also miss mudding out near the addiks reservoir. And other places.
I talked to Nancy more recently about taking a drive to see the beautiful temple grounds, I know people that are excommunicated, the temple grounds are open to the public, and even though near spring and tom ball the temple is once place I love, even though I don't practice there the grounds are beautiful.
I lost my virginity on the grounds late at night near the baton rouge, la temple. The first girl I made out with I made out on the grounds of the church on Bering drive in Houston, another time one of my worst sexual confessionals I had sex with another trans person a bad thing I don't want to remember it was that bad, at church, she was to much drama and big into drinking and other bs. Might have been the person I don't know.
Blah, I feel at odds but I am making my out of town a reality sort of slowly but surely, I have found diet, excessive and driving and leisure and life in moderation is very helpful for my sobriety and program. And the people I don't like I don't like anyway.
Houston is a bigcity but do to in being so spread out, everyone knows everyone, so its like small town My photographic memorize, good hearing, smarts, and just figuring things out leads me to trouble. I want to help people possibly a private investigator, would be fun, or IT security or risk management or therapy. I have 2 years anyway before I go to the SFO. In other news, I found a higher power, My mother is a angel and my goddess and looks after me and is who I worship and my faith is 12-step programs.
I know who I am and where I am going, I sent off a resume to whole foods and hope to hear something back I also dint make it up to the old church up near tom ball north past jersey village to visit some fold friends and people I adore in the church, even though we see differently those 3 people respect me, and love and care about me.
I also cleaned and sorted house today, tossed more mail back to the post office, I get tons of bill collectors after my address, even a drug dealer, pimp, private investigator, and cop once came to my door once that slut moved out my apartment. That I live in.
But I reps ct her choices shes not ready, my neighbor said something good she might start working and be well more wholesome or a good girl, maybe I had that missionary experience on another transsexual. The new neighbors creep me out a little, just odd feelings and vibes, though the girl is pretty attractive . I guess the other girl got tired of the slum lord, and co2 poisoning she really bitched a lot about the gas, I just mind my own business.
Even if I am a goddess of the universe, I need to be more sociality acceptable and accept myself, and people don't allwaysx understand us. I miss going camping and bugs, muck, dirt and have been thinking of going mudding or something. I also have been dreaming of taking a hike or day trip someplace, and really urn for a nice BMX bicycle of sorts.
I found something else out, that I love life and country, music, jazz and classical help me. I am grateful I got to meet friends and make amends with some trans folk I was nasty to and played uno. I didn't go out with them they went drinking last night. And had good clean wholesome fun. (I sound like a Mormon) lol
Blah, Life is good, I need to start being grateful for more.
I'm grateful to have my beautiful pickup truck, roof over my head, money in the bank, and bills paid, a wonderful therapist and a great sponsor, and people to be around, and found aa and 12-step programs and cleaned up my life.
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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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