Being humble and faithful

11/10/07

The truth is today, went to the olive garden, rested and slept well most of the day. I didn't use any sudafed today or use any cough stuff. The bug seems to have passed me. I met with my new sponsor at lambda. Went to the 8pm meeting sat with my sponsor. And my higher power had it someone that works at mhrma is going to pull some strings for me.

I am feeling better about myself and my soul. I find it odd I have tasks and chores I no longer enjoy, I don't enjoy preforming preventive maintenance on my truck but I do it. I have so many chores, I need to do but cant.

I ran into taxi bill last night when I went to purchase some light bulbs for my safety inspection, I might need a rear brake job soon and new tires also. I was honest and have capacity to be honest. I am terrors ed of large packs of black males and has panic males.

I want to transition and be in a supportive working ennvormine, and I kept my promise to my wonderful therapist at montrose counseling center, my sponsor is going with me to the elegablity center. I hurt badly but admit my faults in honesty. I had to brake a commitment last night with the HATCH kid I give a ride home sometimes, some drunk guy left a foul odor in my house.

I have to draw and paint a picture of a safe place for me., My safe place is my truck, a bar or my mini storage. I will never get over the bad things they did to me victor, henry, john, enrique, james, elamadean, carl. But I can let go and put what ever happens regarding their abuse to me at wal-mart #3296 and my old apartment on hayes road, outside the beltway near briar forest and wilcrest behind me.

I fear living, and living in reality due to the horrid, verbal, physical, emotional and sexual abuse they committed to me. I have committed to remain here and deal with my issues for the moment, and hope I can repair damage I have done. And ask for a handout and maybe get a gold card, and my future is uncertain. I get 4 months sober on Tuesday.

I also cooked a little recently, and I am very scared of reality but I will be ok and have someone I trust now, maybe I opened up, Maybe I was humbled out of resentment and can see forgiveness and be honest. Maybe Ill be loved, maybe even Ill make living amends or other amends with my current sponsor.

I miss things but also Like the future and one day at time. I think people still care otherwise Id be in prison, dead or based on nasty things and death threats I made to others I would have my ass locked up.

I hate being at home, Id like to be able to live life and not have to feel so crash pad and out of the suitcase again. I want to live, and love and have faith again. And its close again and that scares the shit out of me but also makes me happy the pain is going to end soon. I'm going to get better.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

life in sickness, and growth and myself

11/08/07

Got more rest, still sick off and on. The fever and cough have gone to just sinus. Still takeing meds, to try and get better. The cold is bad. Went to 6 meetings this week, 3 in one day. Achived a very good understanding of steps 4,5 etc. and soon but not quite adjusting to them. Still working hard.

Awoke early this morning at 5am was out the door early, the cold and sinus made me dizzy and went back to bed at 6:45 am and rested, the sinus is better, I was so dizzy I had trouble driving. I went to rest at home.

Received my new county tax sticker today, and applied it to the auto, some of my tailgate parts came in the mail yesterday, slept more today. Awoke, running errands, lost a lot of weight and still well looseing. I can feel my body getting lighter, I am looseing weight again. Ill be ideal down to 160 or so soon if this keeps up.

11/08/07

Got more rest, still sick off and on. The fever and cough have gone to just sinus. Still takeing meds, to try and get better. The cold is bad. Went to 6 meetings this week, 3 in one day. Achived a very good understanding of steps 4,5 etc. and soon but not quite adjusting to them. Still working hard.

Awoke early this morning at 5am was out the door early, the cold and sinus made me dizzy and went back to bed at 6:45 am and rested, the sinus is better, I was so dizzy I had trouble driving. I went to rest at home.

Received my new county tax sticker today, and applied it to the auto, some of my tailgate parts came in the mail yesterday, slept more today. Awoke, running errands, lost a lot of weight and still well looseing. I can feel my body getting lighter, I am looseing weight again. Ill be ideal down to 160 or so soon if this keeps up.

I ate eggs this morning. And took ok care of myself. I cleaend up need to run to the hardware store, more and grow more I have to pick up some bolts, and some things for my truck, this weekend I hope a Oil change is in order if I am feeling up to it.

The nightmares have stoped, discovered they were from some gel tabs, that made me feel tipys and drunk and became more careful slecting cold meds, it brings out the vampire in you or the beast of the devil.

I have some chores to run and do at home.

Yesterday, I discovered that why others had to wipe their hands of me. I had to do that to someone I did some service and sponsorship and help for. You cant let someone else drain you and drag you down. It was hard but it was in the best intrest for this indiduval who is as sick as I am in recovery at one time, it hurt but I had to do what I had to do for whats best for them and myself.

I had to cancel my affair this morning, and have an apointment tommorow and other things to do. I am sick off and on and growing more and more.

I have some chores to run and do at home.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)