Thursday, November 13, 2008
Slept well last night, doing laundry today, also going to work on brining LEEMCG.COM up to the new server and make a custom 404 error page. Im reinstalling some of the server modules, and extensions. I also have to bring up a few other things
I talked to Clair Fairly, and saw Jenna, at the TLGB center; I also spoke to someone and have a follow up leads to do. I worked on some issues with my program, I need to get out more and around, and will start working on that. I found something possibly a 3rd love interest in San Francisco, I don’t want to get my heart broken again, I’ll take things slower this time, without the U-Haul Metaphorically speaking.
Furthermore, I continue to grow as an individual, my heart is in Information Tech, but Non Profits are where I want to be or a civil servant. I admire those who serve the public trust, and do good deeds where a lot of need is to be done in San Francisco.
I’ve managed to dodge some of the common pitfalls some individuals make here off and on, But continue to grow, after laundry today I have a drop or two to make as well. I also have other things I need to do at POS, and issues and logistics to iron out.
Moreover, I need to be less outgoing and annoying, and also work on my social issues, and trauma, and pain and agony in my heart. Somewhat I am reluctant to let go of manners, it’s what keeps me motive and such a hard worker and push myself so hard.
I think I am going to start volunteering someplace, and I took an orientation someplace, I also have some files to back up as well (Think DVD-R & DVD+RW)
Furthermore, I have been thinking of life, myself and where I want to be in a few years, I am going to cut some areas out but also keep some, I’ve also thought of some finical matters, and my fathers hatred of me, but also love, even if obscure.
I have séance moved on, I have been having much delight in my progress with my electrosist whom has been working wonders, I have about half way where I need to be and it helps a lot,
I also am tired of facing persuction, based on other TG folks actions, demeanor and hate and think most transgender folks in this city have other issues to iron out, and showing your 5 o’clock shadow is fucking disgusting.
For example threes this one girl whom we dislike each other dearly, she pisses like a fucking man in a women’s bathroom, in public city government owned building and I have witnessed her do this many times before , private that’s just fucking nasty and disgusting. One time I was shaken down due to something she did in a public building and proudly displayed my F Drivers License to a law enforcement officer that was responding to complaints of “men dressed as women harassing in the bathroom”
Whom this officer, took me for a “witness lineup” which I was cleared of doing “obscene sexual acts ”and committing “criminal trespass” and “various sex crimes” the fact that SFPD hates TG folks or some of them do, I don’t blame them for stereotypes, given the trash they have to put up with.
If I was a cop, Id problem just be as pissed off with queers, trans-women, homeless and all the shit SFPD has to put up with in bay view, the tenderloin, hunters point, the mission and just law enforcement bullshit amongst them selves, and as a cop day to day. Its why I like cops in general, seriously I would love to date a really butch cop.
But I’m always nice, and avoid law enforcement interactions as much as humanly possible, and they for the most part respect me, and I’ve been told by one sometimes “bad things happen to nice good people”
Its interesting and fascinates me to see the generation gap in Law Enforcement and how the treat and deal with Transgender women, we are lucky to have someone as the president of the police commission such as commissioner sparks which by the way is a Trans-woman. Whom I bump into on occasion, on the street, in the Castro, pacific heights, and even inside a police station when I was filing a report or going to with someone to file a report as a friend of bill Wilson
Another Example of disgusting transgender behavior, is voice pitch, demeanor, and mannerisms, it’s no wonder this disgusting woman or so called woman, who had a drug and drinking problem and violates he body by having sex with men.
I don’t understand how (pre-op) Transgender women could disgustingly sleep with yuck Boys, I have my orientation but Like trans-men, at least we have something in common, and trans-women (post-ops) and women. Nevertheless, I do not use women’s places of scanty nor have I ever sold my body, nor done illegal drugs.
The other point is when I drink or go out there which today is sixteen months as of 7-13-2007 when desperate for a solution I walked into the doors of Lambda Center in Houston, Texas. Furthermore, It’s a mile stone one day at a time, this January I will have 18 months sober, and also be celebrating my twenty eighth natal birthday.
Furthermore, I have not had any nightmares but have a topic to discuss with my therapist today regarding my Post-Traumatic Stress. I have an issue to discuss with her about something I noticed about myself and a way to relax and some part of my trauma that’s affecting my day to day life.
I have a love interest possibly, that’s puzzling me and how that relates to my recovery more about this later.
Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to be alive
2.) Grateful to have folks with something in common, and my our lady of safe way fellowship
3.) Grateful to be myself
4.) Grateful to be in San Francisco
5.) Grateful to be emotionally secure
6.) Grateful to have a sponsor
7.) Grateful to have food, clothing, shelter and money in the bank
8.) Grateful to have my basic needs met
9.) Grateful to be in control of my life
10.) Grateful to be secure in myself

The list
1.) Meeting
2.) Do homework
3.) Make mental note to acquire file cabinet for space
4.) Make note to FedEx items to DLG plus X-Mass Gifts
5.) Laundry
6.) Perform research for clients
7.) Continue to grow and let people in
8.) Pray to my own personal goddess
9.) Write letter to San Francisco Chronicle
10.) Work on e-mail, website, leemcg.com, banking, payments, improving my life

It also soon marks a 6 months séance becoming legally female, in some retrospects, and other mannerisms. I still have a long way to go. In addition, going legit is hard; I see why the power, money, fortune, fame, and my sickness is what got me here.

By golly! I would not have it any other way for I am Leigh McInnis Gaetjens
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Kick Start my Faith and own personal jesus, and grattuide of life of 27 years young

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Slept good last night had a very hot shower this morning went to bed around 5pm, woke up at 3am, very recharged and refreshed today. Went walking this morning, burned some fat, going to take care of something difficult in the next few days.
Glad to still be sober, Ill post more about my experience it further involves the San Francisco Police commission, perhaps Ill even get to meet infamous Teresa sparks( again I met her a few years ago before she was president of the commission at pride), whom I admire and have followed her carrier for a long time.

Yet part of me is missing, I find it difficult for gratitude. I find it difficult to readjust to a normal civilian life, but its easier. I don’t want the drama of my past.

Just thinking of some of the famous individuals, I have met and shook hands with I’ve lived a respectable life so far the past 3-4 years of my life have been fast paced, with its ups and downs, drama, fear, horror, good choices and bad mistakes and poor judgment.

Interesting observations & current projects
Sometimes when Out and about, people out me as a transsexual woman, or a shim. Or whatever. Ill be posting my Bay Area shit list of trans-phobia individuals, businesses and other groups, or public service wall of shame. That’s sure to be some pride and un-censorship the database I am working on for my personal project. And its bound to piss a few people off, which doesn’t bother me, fuck yeah bring it on.

In the other factor I

1.) Bill white Mayor of Houston and former Entergy secretary under Bill Clinton
2.) Mayor Ray Nagin Mayor Of New Orleans
3.) Phyllis Frye famous transsexual atty. And lobbyist.
4.) Monica Lewinsky who gave bill Clinton one of the most famous blow jobs, I met her at a book signing
5.) Ray Hill famous for his bust of the dog food scandal, and the supreme court ruling (Houston v. Hill) which abolished “interfering with police procedure” which was often used to harass media, protesters, etc.
6.) Sgt Julia Oliver HPD who works in 911 emergency operations center in Houston emergency management Famous Transsexual Police Sgt
7.) Teresa Sparks President of the San Francisco Police commission famous transsexual police officer that does internal affairs
8.) President Bush (both of them) during storm recovery work
9.) Elder former president bush during Katrina recovery
10.) Former President Clinton doing during Katrina recovery
11.) Senator Clinton before she ran for president I met her during recovery operations
12.) Chelas Clinton in San Francisco once doing service work, I shook her hand
13.) Massena Davis director of the San Francisco Transgender Law center
14.) Lawrence as in (Lawrence-v-Texas) whom outlawed anti-some laws and gay sex or danced in Harris County Texas by the Untied States Supreme Court when George W Bush was running for office.
15.) Gavin Newsom Mayor of San Francisco 2 years ago I shook his hand in city hall when visiting San Francisco as a tourist
16.) Tom Delay former crook and mixed up in the Enron scandal in the court House in Houston
17.) Ken Lay former coo of Enron in the courthouse in Houston
18.) Andria Yates once in the Jail when I worked as a vendor & contractor inside
19.) Clarian Harris Once when In the Harris County Jail when I worked as a contractor and vendor inside
20.) Various seniors, and elected officials council members and others in the Texas political scene when I used to go to democratic and republican fundraisers when I drank, I can’t think of them all, in better times, and also heavy drinking and when I used to make border runs foolishly as a coyote, and a firearms smuggler and even sometimes worked for elected officials in dirty political deeds ( I sometimes solved problems, or ruined a few people) views which I retain anonminity about my shady contacts. I got out that line of work and retired.


Yet despite not being anyone noteworthy, but likening money, power, influence and drama, and meeting people and being kind with my southern hospitality. I am still unhappy, I feel part of me in not there or I don’t have what I want out of life, I make it, and I will survive but I feel I am in need of better, and want more and won’t give up hope, pride, power and determination.

I find I don’t want to drama, adrenaline rush even though nothing is more sexually erotic than high speed, drama, running and having fear I prefer not to have it, I choose not to.



The list for today
1.) San Francisco Police Commission
2.) Mail check and send documents to Houston & New Orleans & San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley
3.) Make doctor’s Appointment
4.) Write Letter and apply for jobs
5.) Rest, eat well lots of water, meditation and AA meeting




Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I have a plan in life
2.) Grateful that I know what I want out of life
3.) Grateful to be twenty-seven years young
4.) Grateful to be sober
5.) Grateful to have been able to be out and started my path young


--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Life on the run in San Francisco and beyond on the go

1.) Call auto Insurance Broker for obtaining California Auto Insurance--



Wednesday, September 10, 2008

It turns out the reason I have been so sick and irritable, little did I know I had a major sinus infection and ear infection. I am taking penicillin right now and cold medicine for a massive ear infection in my left ear that started to spread to my right ear.
Had a semi productive day, talked to my sponsor and have to shop for a new one I have been sponsor less and I have good coping skills. Enjoying listening to rockabilly today. Elivs, Jerry Lee Louis.

The other factor of late, I dreamed last night of hiking up the San Bruno Mountain, or hiking in the winter in Lake Tahoe. Alternatively, snowboarding. The idea of fitness. And extreme sports Today is my 2nd day veg again. And also I start coffee again this morning much to LS disappointment.
Wish List
1.) To be able to make amends with my father one day.
2.) Finish Paying off debits and making amends
3.) Make amends to Christen Williams, Lilly Ruddy, Dayna Gilbert, Carolyn Bosnia, Chris Tux, Others I hurt in the Houston GLBT community and the New Orleans GLBT Community and the San Francisco GLBT Community
4.)

Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to be able to work on my life and inner self and to be living in San Francisco
2.) Grateful to understand that I’m angry at god and I need to work on that and my spirituality post Latter Day Saint (un-realistic of coming back)
3.) Grateful for the cold weather and to be living in San Francisco
4.) Grateful for being nice, kind, and understanding.
5.) Grateful to have finished my DL-328 , SSN changes, name change, gender change
6.) Grateful to have started my transition young
7.) Grateful to have friends and family in Houston, The Bay Area and New Orleans area
8.) Grateful to be out the closet



The List
1.) Mail Letters and Documents
2.) Take written test at DMV, Obtain California Drivers License
3.) Study for written test at dmv
4.) Mail complaint to ethics board
5.) Print AAA Texas documents and mail for insurance
6.) Mail copies of registration and Texas Drivers License and court order for name and gender change for Interstate Transport from Harvey, LA to San Francisco, CA
7.) Call California Auto Insurance Broker to shop around for insurance, obtain AAA membership given séance transitioning last time I had a hard time changing a tire on my big butch truck and also given I have a few conferences I want to go to in LA and might even conceder moving to LA (at some point) given it’s similar to Houston but California.
8.)

I also am grateful I didn’t see christen while she was here, perhaps I think too much, It’s a can of worms I don’t want to open in a metaphor manner of speaking.

I also thought of a quote for today “try not not hard, but the answer is to do first things first, and keep it simple and don’t think too much smarty panties”

I have some work to do on my web server in the upcoming week and weekends.

Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

*** amendment***



To explain, further discovery of myself fact of life and who I am as an individual and interpersonal enlighten for myself. I had a wonderful thereby session today, was very progressive. I also discussed plans for my future long term and short.

Also my feelings of cutting ties to some people, places, groups, non-profits in San Francisco and the GLBT community due to disagreement with advertising, promotional material, and differences in policial opnion and outreach strategy.

My viewpoints have reached a point where I don’t care, I have been asked why do you post your personal information on the web? Well the answer is, my site is like my children, maybe I want to leave my fruit in the world, my ideas, in the depths of Google, various site robot indexers, search engine archives, blog archives to leave my views.

My views on some issues have changed a few years later, for example I used to be anti-abortion now I am pro abortion, I agree aborting in prices is wrong, but allow it due to the fact many children for adoption and also individuals make mistakes, not every child is adoptable and with black market babies for sale.
The harsh truth is, I believe its better to terminate a life and child, rather than to allow it to positional be abused in foster care, group homes, adoption, or being sold or used for illegal or immoral reasons. People make bad choices and mistakes, and some individuals give abortion a bad name, and therefore hold or to a higher power and your own personal Jesus, the individual accountable, and maybe deny folks who have more problems and over-breeding children though bad choices.


Another viewpoint is, I used to be very pro firearm and violence, while I still am, I think that mentally encourages viligianitism and further gun violence, but even if you take the firearms away, the criminals still have them will use them, as a small business sewer, single person, the reality is the police can’t be everywhere, and you have a right to protect yourself.

I think so called “hard-reduction” is liberal garbage, wasting taxpayer money, I think harm reduction should be a orange jumpsuit, time in county jail and meetings behind bars. It is what reformed my life, I think California and the liberal(s) that are allow San Francisco Bums to abuse the system, is wrong and a disgrace, just recently a guy got 3 days jail for assault on a police officer, a guy who has been arrested for aggressive panhandling, drunk and disorderly, resisting arrest, carrying a concealed weapon, and even committed for mental health.

You Can’t help someone whom does not desire, wish or want to help themselves, forced reform and sobriety is a waste of time spend time in Civic Center, Church Street Upper Market. 6th street beaten market and mission, go walk through the tenderloin, or lower mission or lower height-Ashbury and witnessed the waste.

Gavin Newsom has the right princely, but under his care not cash program her hurts folks more, and hold people accountable for help, demand accountbalotyu for funds. Don’t just put someone in a room, with a number on the door in utter poverty and warehouse.

The work program is good for that, but I think even random drug and substance abuse testing for shelter beds, would be a superb idea, or segregation based on sobriety shelters with “zero-tolerance Policies” and concept to random testing, on a lottery system based on prior history, criminal history, and maybe even check for warrants.

You are giving someone a warm bed, a hot meal for FREE why not ask for something in return? Or if you want more services and comfort why not consent to testing, why allow individuals who abuse san Francisco overly liberal policies to abuse the system, at tax paper expense, individuals who want help who are sober, and clean, individuals who work, individuals who are doing the right thing.

The system as of now, allows no-accountability for actions, it allows individuals to abuse the system to reinforce their negative actions and behaviors, at the expense to public safety, health, crime, public nuisance, and promotes partition, drug use, robbery, auto theft, breaking & entering, property crime. While supporting others form bottoming out at the expected of Tax Payers to the City & County of San Francisco and you me, the guy who strugglers to feed his family, the young collage girl, the elderly sleep in the cold, trying to make ends meet and start over.

Global fuel, cost of living, expanse are increasing for the social
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Life in San Francisco, Oakland and Berkeley

Sunday, July 27, 2008

The reality of my life and self is I did more for myself. Slept good and alas a bit late until 5 am this morning. I awoke tcb have things to do later today.

Uploaded a few (password-protected apps) to the server (#2) today. I also worked on a few other things. This morning near 6th and mission I had a guy hit on me and I jumped back at a pot / meth / drunk head in the morning., and slipped on a banana peel in the morning, and tore a stocking make note why not to walk on 6th stet, and go up 7th or 5th to the train station.

I ate ok, went to a good meeting at the Alamo club, also composed a few documents, have to print a (few PDF files) am feeling better than yesterday after going to general hospital. They treated me well.
I also have worked on my social and confiandace issues, ran into my favorite transgender female to male therapist today. In addition, composed a few other items.

Talked to my grandmother about my life, and choises did some steep work at the Alamo club for my sponsor, have a few things to do Monday, have some banking and transit and civil matters to do next week, got referred for an MRI for my health issues.

Going to the dive / riot girl freak meeting this afternoon, don’t you wish you could go with me?

I also have to do a little laundry and other things after the meeting, and had a good crasuant today as well. I spoke to an old friend this weekend and uploaded some code to my site.

I’m going to go to the affirmation conference next year, have a few rentals to look at near uc Berkeley or in downtown Oakland near lake marriet, and a few co-ops in san Francisco as well.

Did some editing, design work for one of my preferable outsourcing clients, who does occasionally go on benders, and I being the sober one does her work for her. Delivered product to her promptly this morning

September or October looks ideal for importing my 4-wheel drive tailgate pick-em’ up truck to California, the Ford Ranger fX4 w/ tremor audio system long bed, ext cab special custom Texas edition
I also might eventfully after doing more step work invite my father to therapy at the pacific center given it is a neutral place and close to work, I often think of my father when I pass the downtown Berkeley Bart station or go shopping at the Walgreens or do printing at the Berkeley Kinko’s I also walk to the pacific center its one of my favorite fitness walks, usually I have dry cleaning, personal items and items for some of my clients whom some have minor binges and benders.


In addition, clean their dirty laundry as well as my own, I continue to progress more and more.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The reality of myself, the reality about my life. I have not slept as well, I missed my train this moring and had to reset my apointment, my health is ok, The dizzyness, confusion, and misunderstadning and blured vision, and dislexia, is scaray. I talked to my wonderful sponsor. The reality of myself, I am still sober, and contunie to progress, and still grow in myself.

I know who I am and know what, I am, I know I don’t have to drink on my airline flight, I don’t have to drink on my drive back to san Francisco from New Orleans International, I might visit my folks, friends, and go to the NOLA Lamba Center, and also pick up my 1 year chip ta Lamba Houston, Visit Phoxix, and Los Angeles, or I might just go through Oklomaha, and bypass old slipperly places, where the wiskey drowns to the oasis, and firneds in Low Places. But I am going to fire up my pick up truck and let all 385 horsepower roll, but not have the wiskey, and smoke, but maybe the women, Get down turn around back to San Francisco.

I reset my appointment, also Have a legal clnic to attend to for transgender women, I also know for me,and what My body needs.

On top of that I was offed on a forum, it sucks, that I can understand I am having verbal and some writien commucation problems, I am afraid of my health, but I am fighting this and for my indpedance, the nightmares have started again. I feel I am flipping out, I am also very afraid, and probelly going to stay alone, until the doctor figures out whats wrong, the blackouts scare the shit out of me, dearly, I admit to being afraid. I also know it turns people off, I cant understand where time goes, sometimes on a task I feel confused doing a task over and over. I am afraid, I don’t understand whats wrong with me.

I also have a trip to the IRS office, to deal with some tax issues, I feel as if my body does not have the entergy, I almost passed out again today. But I have faith things will get better slowly but surely one day at time. The doctors think its stress, lack of sleep, eating, and general just major stress and pressure and deadlines, and learning to cope with life again without drinking.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I feel as if my helath is better, but my body is falling apart, I am alive outside, but dead in soul. I remember things, painful things I need not remember, physical, emotiuonal tramma, and also the dizziness, and blackouts, like I am on a boat in rough tides, I feel lost at sea, when I walk and move, I am very afraid.

It hurts, I have this anger, rage, and emotions built up, and my mind is slipping sometimes, It scares me deeply, that I haven’t lost my marbles yet. I got sober and than Have to deal with this bullshit, why the fuck me?

Anyway, I am going to get through this, one day at a time, the nightmares have started, the nausuia, the blurred vision, confusion, loss of words, on pen and paper, I feel I am getting sick, theres something wrong with me and the doctors, cant figure out what, they agreed to do a blood work, MRI and Catscan, regardless, I am going to take my trip against medical advise, I must keep moving and do what I need to do for me, a trip to the post office, and maybe the IRS today might be in order.

I admit I am depressed, some days I eat once a day, and I have an eating disorder, But I am fighting this, and I am not going to drink, I am buring bridges, but at least I am aware of it and respecting bounderies, I just feel so sick, and I don’t want to drink, and I also feel dizzy and have trouble visually, vebraly focusing, which is why I compose some here, and some elsewhere, for my doctors or incase I become incapasetaed, I feel my health is delicneing, I feel Like I am dieing of something, and the doctors cant find out what. Something is physicaly wrong with me, some think its stress, which could be correct.

I just want the suffering to end, one way or another.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger