Thursday, September 18, 2008
Slept good last night had a very hot shower this morning went to bed around 5pm, woke up at 3am, very recharged and refreshed today. Went walking this morning, burned some fat, going to take care of something difficult in the next few days.
Glad to still be sober, Ill post more about my experience it further involves the San Francisco Police commission, perhaps Ill even get to meet infamous Teresa sparks( again I met her a few years ago before she was president of the commission at pride), whom I admire and have followed her carrier for a long time.
Yet part of me is missing, I find it difficult for gratitude. I find it difficult to readjust to a normal civilian life, but its easier. I don’t want the drama of my past.
Just thinking of some of the famous individuals, I have met and shook hands with I’ve lived a respectable life so far the past 3-4 years of my life have been fast paced, with its ups and downs, drama, fear, horror, good choices and bad mistakes and poor judgment.
Interesting observations & current projects
Sometimes when Out and about, people out me as a transsexual woman, or a shim. Or whatever. Ill be posting my Bay Area shit list of trans-phobia individuals, businesses and other groups, or public service wall of shame. That’s sure to be some pride and un-censorship the database I am working on for my personal project. And its bound to piss a few people off, which doesn’t bother me, fuck yeah bring it on.
In the other factor I
1.) Bill white Mayor of Houston and former Entergy secretary under Bill Clinton
2.) Mayor Ray Nagin Mayor Of New Orleans
3.) Phyllis Frye famous transsexual atty. And lobbyist.
4.) Monica Lewinsky who gave bill Clinton one of the most famous blow jobs, I met her at a book signing
5.) Ray Hill famous for his bust of the dog food scandal, and the supreme court ruling (Houston v. Hill) which abolished “interfering with police procedure” which was often used to harass media, protesters, etc.
6.) Sgt Julia Oliver HPD who works in 911 emergency operations center in Houston emergency management Famous Transsexual Police Sgt
7.) Teresa Sparks President of the San Francisco Police commission famous transsexual police officer that does internal affairs
8.) President Bush (both of them) during storm recovery work
9.) Elder former president bush during Katrina recovery
10.) Former President Clinton doing during Katrina recovery
11.) Senator Clinton before she ran for president I met her during recovery operations
12.) Chelas Clinton in San Francisco once doing service work, I shook her hand
13.) Massena Davis director of the San Francisco Transgender Law center
14.) Lawrence as in (Lawrence-v-Texas) whom outlawed anti-some laws and gay sex or danced in Harris County Texas by the Untied States Supreme Court when George W Bush was running for office.
15.) Gavin Newsom Mayor of San Francisco 2 years ago I shook his hand in city hall when visiting San Francisco as a tourist
16.) Tom Delay former crook and mixed up in the Enron scandal in the court House in Houston
17.) Ken Lay former coo of Enron in the courthouse in Houston
18.) Andria Yates once in the Jail when I worked as a vendor & contractor inside
19.) Clarian Harris Once when In the Harris County Jail when I worked as a contractor and vendor inside
20.) Various seniors, and elected officials council members and others in the Texas political scene when I used to go to democratic and republican fundraisers when I drank, I can’t think of them all, in better times, and also heavy drinking and when I used to make border runs foolishly as a coyote, and a firearms smuggler and even sometimes worked for elected officials in dirty political deeds ( I sometimes solved problems, or ruined a few people) views which I retain anonminity about my shady contacts. I got out that line of work and retired.
Yet despite not being anyone noteworthy, but likening money, power, influence and drama, and meeting people and being kind with my southern hospitality. I am still unhappy, I feel part of me in not there or I don’t have what I want out of life, I make it, and I will survive but I feel I am in need of better, and want more and won’t give up hope, pride, power and determination.
I find I don’t want to drama, adrenaline rush even though nothing is more sexually erotic than high speed, drama, running and having fear I prefer not to have it, I choose not to.
The list for today
1.) San Francisco Police Commission
2.) Mail check and send documents to Houston & New Orleans & San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley
3.) Make doctor’s Appointment
4.) Write Letter and apply for jobs
5.) Rest, eat well lots of water, meditation and AA meeting
Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I have a plan in life
2.) Grateful that I know what I want out of life
3.) Grateful to be twenty-seven years young
4.) Grateful to be sober
5.) Grateful to have been able to be out and started my path young
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
The reality of myself and further enlightenment and eye-opening experiences for myself. This morning was glorious and peaceful for myself.
I met with my wonderful sponsor yesterday, I am planning on a meeting later today, I made arrangements for tonight, and plan to go to the support group in the east bay. I also need to make other arrangements and I push myself hard for what is Necessary for myself.
I also am working on my essay on Trans-Phobia and Discrimnation and hate in San Francisco and beyond. A look at decimation and people’s fears of the unknown.
I also as of late am afraid, this Sunday I have 1 year sober, and what a year it has been, I met with my sponsor yesterday. I also this week went to the electro cist in the East Bay, and had more work done, my face is breaking out, in the next few weeks I will go back for more, work.
Furthermore, I am lucky to have started young, in my transition; I also am going to get back to walking more, and eating healthier more in moderation for soul and myself.
I hurt and told my sponsor my pain of what I did to individuals in the GLBTQ community in Houston, Texas ; New Orleans, LA and other places of shame.
I hurt for myself, I hurt knowing what I did and hurt bleeding in my heart, I have some trouble letting, go this week I have been lynched a few times, sometimes just doing basic things such as grooming and bothering.
Ill shares some of my expirees at 6 months in San Francisco.
1.) In January 2008 was mugged with a knife in the filmore district, and told I can be mugged or assaulted and abused my San Francisco Police when I called for service, I was handcuffed and searched, and told they had 4 units looking for the suspect. I was integrated about drug use, protection, and warrants. (which I had none)
2.) April 2008I was mugged on the MUNI Metro and told I was problem prostituting myself on the train, and no report and the law was not enforced again
3.) May 2008 I have been lynched in a communal shower by other women with Hateful GLBT slurs, had a photo taken of me with a camria phone
4.) May 2008 - I have been verbally abused and harassed by other women when sleeping
5.) June 2008- I have had a 22-caliber handgun pulled on me, out of hate and intimidation.
6.) June 2008- I was punched in the face (In clear view of a police officer) On The MUNI / Bart Station for no appernt reason and called slurs and laughed at when I was ok.
7.) I have had a Transit cop refer to me using trans-phobic and hate speech when requesting proof of payment, refuse to take a report for the mentioned
8.) I was groped while wating for food, and laughed at
9.)
Those are just small examples of whets gone on but I stay sober, it’s not easy but not every fight is worth fighting and winning for, it’s not what it’s about, I miss Texas and Houston dearly, I don’t like what occurs the drinking and drug use that is tolerated in the city of San Francisco, it’s wrong.
I looked at a few places in Oakland, and Berkeley. I however need time to finish things out in the city and work on some of my PTSD and depression issues.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
The reality of myself and further enlightenment and eye-opening experiences for myself. This morning was glorious and peaceful for myself.
I met with my wonderful sponsor yesterday, I am planning on a meeting later today, I made arrangements for tonight, and plan to go to the support group in the east bay. I also need to make other arrangements and I push myself hard for what is Necessary for myself.
I also am working on my essay on Trans-Phobia and Discrimnation and hate in San Francisco and beyond. A look at decimation and people’s fears of the unknown.
I also as of late am afraid, this Sunday I have 1 year sober, and what a year it has been, I met with my sponsor yesterday. I also this week went to the electro cist in the East Bay, and had more work done, my face is breaking out, in the next few weeks I will go back for more, work.
Furthermore, I am lucky to have started young, in my transition; I also am going to get back to walking more, and eating healthier more in moderation for soul and myself.
I hurt and told my sponsor my pain of what I did to individuals in the GLBTQ community in Houston, Texas ; New Orleans, LA and other places of shame.
I hurt for myself, I hurt knowing what I did and hurt bleeding in my heart, I have some trouble letting, go this week I have been lynched a few times, sometimes just doing basic things such as grooming and bothering.
Ill shares some of my expirees at 6 months in San Francisco.
1.) In January 2008 was mugged with a knife in the filmore district, and told I can be mugged or assaulted and abused my San Francisco Police when I called for service, I was handcuffed and searched, and told they had 4 units looking for the suspect. I was integrated about drug use, protection, and warrants. (which I had none)
2.) April 2008I was mugged on the MUNI Metro and told I was problem prostituting myself on the train, and no report and the law was not enforced again
3.) May 2008 I have been lynched in a communal shower by other women with Hateful GLBT slurs, had a photo taken of me with a camria phone
4.) May 2008 - I have been verbally abused and harassed by other women when sleeping
5.) June 2008- I have had a 22-caliber handgun pulled on me, out of hate and intimidation.
6.) June 2008- I was punched in the face (In clear view of a police officer) On The MUNI / Bart Station for no appernt reason and called slurs and laughed at when I was ok.
7.) I have had a Transit cop refer to me using trans-phobic and hate speech when requesting proof of payment, refuse to take a report for the mentioned
8.) I was groped while wating for food, and laughed at
9.)
Those are just small examples of whets gone on but I stay sober, it’s not easy but not every fight is worth fighting and winning for, it’s not what it’s about, I miss Texas and Houston dearly, I don’t like what occurs the drinking and drug use that is tolerated in the city of San Francisco, it’s wrong.
I looked at a few places in Oakland, and Berkeley. I however need time to finish things out in the city and work on some of my PTSD and depression issues.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Saturday, January 26, 2008
life in san fransico and the road ahead
Today I learned something about myself my chapter to the gnostic, and my inner child. I learned what I need to do for me, drive and self will, talked to CP, today and MU as well, wrote some code, read, and also read part of the current issues of curve magazine, pc world, and pc magazine at the public library.
Going to rest tonight, sleep and become one with zen, going to the Unitarian Universalism church tomorrow and have other plans, trans-thrive is closed until wed this week. I also rested and have to go to the office this week to see about the SSDI and food stamps and ga benefits as well, composed a letter or two, made an appointment to see doctor freeman at tom O'Dell clinic on the trans gender health night, braved the rain to the trans gender health fair, got legal name documents from the trans gender law center in the James cook building that the fire scene was filmed in the bond film a view to kill. (which Duran Duran has the lead song)
I also talked to the folks, ate some soup at the kitchen, the nice SFPD officer followed up today, and ran those guys off and told me they wont bother me anymore, he busted them drinking at the park where they roughed me up, and caught one with a blade in the back pocket, the cops here are much nicer two us minus a select few.
I have a few ideas the guy at the disiblaity advocatacy place suggested 6 weeks to a year before my hotel room, I have been researching garages that will allow me to to store my Texas ranger as well, when I fly to Louisiana to drive and fire up my pickup truck.
Maria shriver might be a a candate for the next mayor of san Fransisco, it would be cool to have the governator as the first husband of san Fransisco, who is back in reelection in fact he is a moderate (rep.) and what I hoped Kinky Friedman would do for the lone star state, There are some funny videos on jib jab of the governator up for election.
Maria Shriver is supposedly very TG friendly and supportive of trans gender inclisuve laws and I hope she runs, another thing a lot of folks don't know is OJ Simpson the killer, and whom could have ridden on the airplane with me back from las Vegas on the way to Oakland. Has ties and roots in san Fransisco.
As does Bruce Springsteen, we were one of his first big city's he played in his glory days, and that allowed him to break mainstream. Sort of. And everyone knows Willie loves Texas and California. Enough drama however. On the the real issues.
Got my Spiro script filled today at Rite Aid, and Monday have to truck on back to the office, and run to the general delivery post office to pick up mail. Dreamed last night of doing the boot scooting boogie, and picked up my 6 month chip at a basic tenderloin meeting, which I went to 2 meetings yesterday night.
My heels which blew out are feeling slightly better and my health is in a bit better shape, Tuesday I might go get some veggy soup down in the mission at my favorite kitchen. I also applied a bit for a few jobs here in town with American appeal, gap, walgreens, etc.
Far two often most of the trans gender folk here are two good, for themselves not in unity and well some are whores, sluts some with no future some lazy, some sleazy not that I don't care. Furthermore I still grow into enlightenment, Ive lately not been around the insanity at the Alano club, though Monday 6:30 queers crackpots and fallen women is a good meeting there.
The also point I discovered more of myself and my own personal chapter to my own gnostic feelings, is I love this down, I left my heart in san Fransisco when I was born and I brought it back, its happening slowly but surely I am recovering into enlightenment. I ran into more recently a few strange things.
I might go down tomorrow to fisherman's wharf with my sponsor to check out the dockside club or wherever down there, or might check out the Castro country club (12-step meetings) I have faith I see others who want it or are two messed up and fogged to want it it shames me seeing messed up trans folk here, some with calirity some without, I made a few trans friends of various varitys but I have to get my life going and spinning rice round like a record baby!
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Sunday, November 25, 2007
What I am greatful for:
Working the “Bar” last night
Being sober
Doing whaT I HAVE TO DO
being honest
not having nightmares or being terroised when sleeping, even though I had a bad one about being abused by former co-workers again*
What I have and what others dont
Not being as selfish and a busybody
having a wonderful sponsor
faith and my angel whom I saw using up 8 of my 9 lives.
Being alive, and amongst good people
*Had a nightmare last night of being sexually assulted again, and beaten and abused in my apartment that I moved into.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Monday, November 19, 2007
what I am greatful for in Houston, Texas and harris county
I am Grateful to have four (4) months sober Before the Holiday season.
I am grateful to have been given the gift of sleep last night, and
well rested and have awoken at 6am and went to the eyes wide shut
meeting
I am grateful to be alive, and not dead or in jail
I am grateful to have what I have, and let go of the pain
I am grateful for my sponsor and others around me
I am grateful for forgiveness
I am grateful for my wonderful therapist--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
I am grateful to have been given the gift of sleep last night, and
well rested and have awoken at 6am and went to the eyes wide shut
meeting
I am grateful to be alive, and not dead or in jail
I am grateful to have what I have, and let go of the pain
I am grateful for my sponsor and others around me
I am grateful for forgiveness
I am grateful for my wonderful therapist--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Saturday, November 17, 2007
being greatful and faithful
The discovery of myself, and awareness of life zen and stupidity and old vs new, for example climbing parking lot curbs with my 4x4 at 3am is stupid and dangerous and careless, and disregardful for myself and others.
Old vs new and cause and effect. Maybe I am to much into myself, to stuck up into me, me ,me and less observant of my own selfish actions, words and reactions and poor transgressions and vampire addictive personality of myself and others and the reality is the world is not all about me, but more about inner peace, and faith and zen and the art of self-acceptance and awareness.
I compose this inside a establishment of choice and self-awareness, of what I once was, who I was before, than and who I have grown into after my birthday and inner peace.
I have a goal in mind, and tasks I desire to finish within myself and inner peace. I however have been disrespected badly here and need to more peace
I also discovered more about life, and zen and a spiritual experance with-myself and who, and what I am as a individual and self-growth. I know I don't miss what I was like pre moving to Texas, pre drunk (in some regards) drunk and not sober, and who I was like than and now. I know I miss parts of my old self, but also Learned a lot and over came my homo and gender phobias, and did not do it sober, overcame a lot of religious issues, blew off folks who tried to help, cared and loved but I blew away.
I know I am a goof ball, a fuckup and asshole and cold hearted bitch and can be kind and giving and do the right thing and do the good thing, by myself, others and loving life and being alive inside my soul. Sort of. I feel folks treat me right to a degree of sorts, but also some do not, some falter and sucker some fail poorly.
I had a great night tonight, and good dinner, at the restraint with Cathy F and a good meeting and ate to much spicy garlic and onions and have heartburn and had a good nights rest and took care of my issues. And feel better I have paper work tomorrow, and copy's to make later have a 10 year challenge to grow into.
I have plans goals and even some sacrifice to archive those goals later, I know what I want what I had. I talked to Michelle, and understand that I pissed off people who did care, and understand what I must do with living amends, I am lucky I never did the wild sex, the illegal drugs or got any diseases from poor choices thats what I am grateful for.
I am grateful that I never caught any diseases, did illegal drugs or did the sex in large numbers. I am grateful not to have any felony's or duis, I am grateful to be alive.
I am grateful to be about and alive and what I do have sobriety, my truck, a few nice things, a bright future, and the power to say now, and a roof over my head, wonderful friends and a wonderful sponsor.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Friday, November 16, 2007
My body is in massive pain, my back hurts, and I lack the task of sleeping at night, the cold is ungodly. My body is in pain. I have to rest. Clean house tonight, and go to a birthday party tomorrow night. I also have much to do, paper work this weekend. And try and get to the doctor. I dislike going to the doctor. I will walk out if I don't feel respected. And I don't like people touching me. In general.
I could not sleep I binge ate junk food last night when I have cravings, I don't follow my veg ways when I have cravings to drink. Which I don't get often, I watched terminator 3 and ironically enough there was a T3 edition tundra parked out on Mount Vernon and Boonie Brae this morning how fucked up is that.
I slept most of the night off and on restless, awoke this morning feeling sick and blah. Its just never ends, My tailgate cables, and assembly came in. and I have to take it to the shop for the mirror and than change my backup bulb and a few other things for my annual state inspection. And try and take some PM tonight to sleep better.
Made a few new friends and I am trying to rebuild my life, let go. And I have made loads of progress, and melamine even said she might take me into a hate crimes group. I resent the fact. I was home before 9PM last night not looking for trouble.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
life and being loved
I am grateful for my sponsor, and having folks who care, getting better taking the lead to recovery and getting my grove and self back slowly, and rebuilding my brains. After frying them binge drinking off and on from deco 2005 to jan 2007 and on to the date Friday july 13th, 2007 my birthday and in typical twisted lee style its Friday the 13th in the Texas severity.
I hope Nancy is doing well, I am grateful to be alive and much to do this week. Went to bed around 5pm and woke up around 10pm reseted and alert ate at home and went out a bit. Nighters, had a good ok lunch at lubys today also. I slept well and rested ok. And recovered more and cleaned house a bit, and rested this eve.
And I did the boot snotting boogie and had little pink houses when I fired up my pickup truck, but you spin me rice round like a record baby!
I got a nice card, and some gifts today, it feels good to be loved and to love life again and well have family and folks I can talk about in honesty and compassion.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Monday, November 12, 2007
My motto and quote for today and life
I discovered today, That I as an individual am well selfish and have a effect of being a kind person, but also am good at reading folks and using people and being a habitual lier, I need to change my lifestyle and individual and my brutal honesty and spunky spontaneousness self hurts others. And I can use that to do the greater good in the world.
I am a amazing person and I am very grateful for what I have and don't resent what I have or haven't done or what happened in my 2years off and on binging and binge drinking .and hurting others. I have to accept the present and change what I can and accept what I did and didn't do, and just fucking let go already.
I have something I want and by the grace of god I am going to get it though faith, honesty, and working to get it. And I am going to archive my goals. I accept the fact my family and other will never understand me. I also want to compose and help others even though deep I am hurting I have to stop griveing and bitching about what could have, would have or should have or had not happened and let go.
People are telling me left and right I am better but have a long way to go, its possible I am, fuck I give myself a pat on the back I am better and let go, and if others don't see that well fuck em' thats my motto.
Fuck em'
I am getting better and if others resent and still fear me , fuck em'
Shit fucking happens already fuck em'
If you cant bedazzle them with your brilliance than don't bedazzle them with your bullshit. Fuck em'
Thats my motto in LIFE which I have again, to speak. In a manner.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
I told my neighbor last night that I accdiently had her food that feel out the bag when the drunk homeless guy almost called a accident, lately ive been a bit bitchy goddess of the universe type feeling when I am sick I am well brutally honest.
I slept most of today with my nasty sinus infection and committed to melanie I will do the mhmra and my sponsor before thanksgiving as a result of not going today I committed to go tomorrow and forfeit our appointment or see if she can squeeze me in later in the week, kathy has been a good 2nd sponsor for me tomorrow I pick up my 4 month chip.
My neighbor was honest with me even though it upset me. I was honest and I am becoming more honest, and grateful and kind and less attention whoreish and working on myself. I abused myself. Yesterday some drunk guy was driving down weigh when I went out to get more medicine and well chased after me he didn't like I called him a drunk and a few obscenity and remarks, today some guy was talking on the phone and I was selfish and pissed him off and he opened my trucks door and avoided a fight.
I know I am kind and more conservative and nice, and well want something more. I have leared forgiveness and ray and I see more and more on issues. And I talked to hima bit tonight. I hope I can repair damage I have done. But I have to fix the cobwebs in my brain.
I have committed to leave here at some point my dream is in science and engineering and Information tech. I want to maybe get a A+ certification before I leave here, get working at good grocery store whole foods has good gender incigve policy's. It my plan, eventfully maybe transfer so the bay area go back to school more, or possibly move to DFW or Austin. I have friends in other areas.
I uploaded some more content to my site, also talked to my neighbor and have more well honesty even if maybe all along I was angry at myself and selfish in my own twisted way. I don't sleep much anymore I resent not taking justice, but also Have decided against as much as I wanted to take the law into my own hands regarding victor, john, henry, carl, henry, james, elmadeans mistreatment of me. In the end they got their own shit. Elmadean went to jail, john got fired, and james got busted also.
The others will get it one day, just not from me. I have to learn to live, trust and go back to casual conservative me and I left a lot in that apartment behind due to not wanting to put up with the abuse, my safe place is my truck, thats my zone I don't like to stay at home just because my home and my truck has been well taken from me to speak.
I want a roomies, but no pets I want someone to be at home and cuddle with but not a big fluffy pet. My neighbor and I have become closer and she confided and me and I did in her, I might take her to a meeting now and than. I just need my solitude at the present. I hope I can make a living amends, I have sort of changed habits to move away from areas not wanting to run into people I have wronged even though I know I will sooner or later when my power gives me such.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Thursday, November 8, 2007
life in sickness, and growth and myself
Got more rest, still sick off and on. The fever and cough have gone to just sinus. Still takeing meds, to try and get better. The cold is bad. Went to 6 meetings this week, 3 in one day. Achived a very good understanding of steps 4,5 etc. and soon but not quite adjusting to them. Still working hard.
Awoke early this morning at 5am was out the door early, the cold and sinus made me dizzy and went back to bed at 6:45 am and rested, the sinus is better, I was so dizzy I had trouble driving. I went to rest at home.
Received my new county tax sticker today, and applied it to the auto, some of my tailgate parts came in the mail yesterday, slept more today. Awoke, running errands, lost a lot of weight and still well looseing. I can feel my body getting lighter, I am looseing weight again. Ill be ideal down to 160 or so soon if this keeps up.
Got more rest, still sick off and on. The fever and cough have gone to just sinus. Still takeing meds, to try and get better. The cold is bad. Went to 6 meetings this week, 3 in one day. Achived a very good understanding of steps 4,5 etc. and soon but not quite adjusting to them. Still working hard.
Awoke early this morning at 5am was out the door early, the cold and sinus made me dizzy and went back to bed at 6:45 am and rested, the sinus is better, I was so dizzy I had trouble driving. I went to rest at home.
Received my new county tax sticker today, and applied it to the auto, some of my tailgate parts came in the mail yesterday, slept more today. Awoke, running errands, lost a lot of weight and still well looseing. I can feel my body getting lighter, I am looseing weight again. Ill be ideal down to 160 or so soon if this keeps up.
I ate eggs this morning. And took ok care of myself. I cleaend up need to run to the hardware store, more and grow more I have to pick up some bolts, and some things for my truck, this weekend I hope a Oil change is in order if I am feeling up to it.
The nightmares have stoped, discovered they were from some gel tabs, that made me feel tipys and drunk and became more careful slecting cold meds, it brings out the vampire in you or the beast of the devil.
I have some chores to run and do at home.
Yesterday, I discovered that why others had to wipe their hands of me. I had to do that to someone I did some service and sponsorship and help for. You cant let someone else drain you and drag you down. It was hard but it was in the best intrest for this indiduval who is as sick as I am in recovery at one time, it hurt but I had to do what I had to do for whats best for them and myself.
I had to cancel my affair this morning, and have an apointment tommorow and other things to do. I am sick off and on and growing more and more.
I have some chores to run and do at home.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Took my neighbor to get some food at jack in the box last night. Talked and bullshited and mingled more. I also discovered more about myself, life and who I am and want to be. I want my inner self, back I want to love and be loved again.
I want people to love the me inside, I feel like everyday is Halloween because I am not someone I am inside, I hurt want the lost strange little girl inside me back. I need more meetings, less co-dependency, and know I dislike the bar crowed before I started drinking, while I was drinking and more and more.
I discovered more and more about myself, and where I want to go and who and what I am, and where I am going in life. I know I have to break free, I know I love myself, some higher power.
I know science, and engineering and the curiosity of the world, electronics,. Gadgets enjoy me, I also like reading, art, poetry, and writing that was passed down to me from my mother, teaching, social work, and also adventure passed down from my uncle who is like my father the electronics, adventure, and 4x4 pickup trucks and power tools interest me.
I like myself, life Christ and well god, even though she and I have had our ins and outs. I also watched some fucked up movie more recently as well. Where the world goes to crap and people go nuts and kill and just do poor and bad things, some horror narcissism end of the world.
I also discovered more about myself, more life, love and well self-awareness and discovery as well. I know where I am who I am and where I want to go. I want the person again, I want to be sober and I want help, and maybe some can forgive past transgressions and actions. But possibly not. Blah.
I also found more about myself, and how to live not exist, picked up the party tray, tried to call the folks today to no avail, might talk to my dad.
Quotable for the day- If you cant bedazzle them with yourself, than don't bedazzle them with your bull shut and Fuck Em'
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Thursday, November 1, 2007
my life in space city
Talked to Nancy today, was unable to reach Jennifer last night, also commutated with someone else last night, whom I bitched out and admitted my fault at Hollywood last night, ate at dennys on my old side of town, and browsed the bullshit.
Sent off and did some more applications today, and went grocery shopping my fridge is well stocked with fresh produce this weekend I need to get some more oatmeal and whole grains, I am going back to eating healthy I have lots of fresh onions, garlic, and chili peppers, and other yummy veggies and some fresh fruits as well.
Had another person hit in me again last, night later. Ate at dennys some biscuits and gravy, and cup of coffee while I worked on some personal projects and my website and did some coding.
I discovered more about myself, recently I need a meeting soon, almost 4 months woot! Even my therapist says I am emo. Blah.
I talked to someone about the freezer, cleaned house and tossed some items more recently as well. And took care of business today, and cleaned up somewhat. I have more cleaning to do, and probably this weekend will spend the weeking being domestic at home, and doing laundry and bakeing cookies (the latter is a stereotype joke)
I also remembered someone I told off more recently and who I used to be what I was like then, what became drinking and that kind person I want back. I also want the capacity to be honest, my sponsor and also good friend has told me I helped her find her self and stay sober also.
I recently found more about myself, and work toward my goal that I want, My dad and I had some fizzle last night, and well I duno
I hope brandi watched one of my favorite movies, again I am greatful I am alive.
Tootles lee
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Daily affirmations and discovery and sober thoughts
Blah tonight is a stinker, all the drunk folks. And I am sober just looking at people making a fool out of them selves, here on this patio just watching in mild amusement. I went to the farmers market today, purchased a large quainity of onions , and have to run to the grocery store, later have to go someplace in the afternoon and eveing tommorow, and early in the morning.
The Parking downtown is crap, and did briefly conicder attending the engine room, but wisely declined as well. Blah It sucks to be alone, but I like it at least here, went down town to watch the bullshit and have more greatful amongst recently relased inmates at the harris county jail inmate processing center, upon my rertun came on the patio for more well bullshit, have a paper to work on as well as other factors, and some home work and tasks to attend next week early, I also discovered more and more about myself.
I also discovered my faith and well journey to wonderland, because texas is going bye bye, when I followed the white rabbit, and I knew that, and the path has been set, because everyday is halloween.
Blah, I wish the pain could end, but I must deal with my self. My motto is fuck it, or fuck em all.
Sucide is not a option for the following reasons even if bloging and composing utterly depressing things is good enough for the reason is.
I signed a contract that I would not
what if i fuck up and make my self a cripple
someone still cares someplace
its selfish
I did this to myself.
I leave behind a nasty mess to clean up that I know to well.
Im fucking emo dammit
I am a fighter and I will make ti through this
Even though I Like life, and enjoy to a degree and sometimes am to outgoing, and a busybody, I understand that doing right and being a fighter. And to be myself, I must be selfish to myself. I also discovered that pushing people away, my terrosit, stalker, and bad reputation as a busybody turns people already sceptical of me off further. Maybe I just need to find zen, and inner peace.
I also noticed that I learned a lot more about life than I needed to more recently I did also discover more and more, and have some anger toward my father who hung up on me and hung up over and over again. Blah. Boo, Poo.
I also learned that I know more than I did than and continue to live, learn and grow more and more. And that admission, amends, and time and working on myself can heal my wounds, my sponsor I am worried about she is busy and I am shopping for a new sponsor.
In other news, I discovered more about myself and learned I am calm, collected, cool and laid back that I know more about myself than I would like to know or care to, and remember why I became a drunk in the first place.
I also learned more and more that life is good and why I love, living again and again, and How to let go and I shall discover more. We turn the page to the present.
I under stand that I push people away, maybe I need time to greive, and I hope people are doing well, but I know I take a chance when I put myself in suituitions which is why as the present moment I am composing this in the dennys at willcrest and the katy freeway near the laquinta inn and one of my favorite places inW town.
I have to pick up some items here, and make a few drops and discoverys. And also have a lot on hand this week, and to finish at hand. I also understood more about myself and I know more what i must do in the future, present, and let go of the past, and con tinue to work toward my higher power, a faith, a system, and order, from the past which is swept under the carpet, the pain, and suroundings tuned, out to zen and inner peace, I know I must continue to go running and grow, and bloom and blossim.
Rules and plans for life
don't panic
remain calm, cool and collected with each action and reaction
think things over
Remember HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) it works and use that with step #2
Contiune to practice fitness
Keep information flowing to my brain, live, learn and read and keep informed of current events
contiune writing, blogging and practiceing art, and takeing photosa
Mingle, go to meetings, make it through hour by hour, day to day, I can do it
Remain postive and optimisc
Make a list of everything I have to be postive about
make a list and plan every day and follow them out
dont sweat minor things
do good deeds but dont brag about them
do not remain overly narsscisic, self centered
do not busy-body, stalk, harass or practice terrosit actions
remember & practice an idle mind is the devils play ground
remember & practice a mind is a terrale thing to waste
dont over induldge in food
dont go overboard with shopping
dont go shopping when angry or depressed
make a list when going shopping & stick to it
remember and practice do on-to others as you would do yourself
keep yourself, living area celan
know my spirtual,emontional and physcal bounderies and respect them
pray and mediate daily
think about the future make goals follow them though
be secure with employement, education and life and zen
be more forgiveing and kind and chartible
dont be selfish and self-centered
help those in need, with service, actions and kindness
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
my bitch switch is off
Today I found out that GCE went nuts after well talkingt to me, and the little games, and well made some bad choices. And is in a deep shit hole, also I suspect given my latest post that domestic spying my harsh blog sometimes criiszing the us government and the iraq war, edna and other not bush shit causes. That I might have sparked intrest of domestic spying given my prior server log posts, and a few odd phone calls and converstations.
In other news, I started just pondering the atty never returned my two calls, I got some more spam from this person I do not wish to speak to basicly actist bull shit. That I dont have time with.
In other news, I got a lovely card, forgave the dickhead given the following rant, and the restraunt screwed up my order for lunch, I picked up a cheap takeout order today, but very filling.
I bitched out some fag today, behind the coffee bar at lamba. Understood how painful this matter I am dealing with which I choose not to share at the present given its a personal matter, finacial matter amd other issues which I do not wish to share with others. Contrary to popular belif, I dont share everything in my blog, sometimes I change names, remove names, or alter bits or use nicknames that only I know to protect peoples anonmity. But any photos I take or bits I use in my life, or is hear is open for blogging but I do anonmise at times.
Any way I feel badly, and Know how Bad I just need to get this over with, I go to other meetings, and mingle, and work over time to restore sanity to my life more. I AWOKE at 3am this morning got ready went running, and jogging to deal with the pain, though not very far or for very long. But is is necessary to keep sanity, was out the door before 6am and feel very or at least achived one day at the time.
Made a few phone calls, and took care of matters which Need to be done, and did some e-mails checked out the love machine when I was grumpy I should have known the pressure was building I might go to a candlelight meeting or a meeting someplace, new and bring order to my chos and disorder, Rice radio today is jamming great to old club, bar and dance songs great spooky 80s songs, and gothic, industiral, punk, synthpop, and expermental and electronic music. I also visted a chapel today and did some praying pondering and medation and just exisited. I compsed this in a park for inner peace and zen.
I also discovered more and more about myself and learned not to be so damanding, excentric and even though my narsisim is at a all time high, and high on myself. I dont want to mingle, maybe I like being a bitch, maybe I want something more or think I am better than everyone else, maybe I like to show off, maybe I just am so emo, and stuck up I think I desreve better or want what I had and want it now, not tommorow, or one day at time. Maybe instead of going back and being a bitch further to this person I am sorting it out and my admission of fault and making peace before I do it. I know I need to sort things out today, and let time. But I must promptly admit my wrong. And fault and defect. Maybe this is who I am, and I dont like it. But I am alive, I have a nice truck a roof over my head, and a few plant tours, and informal interviews upcoming and Im still working on the task at hand, tommorow will be rough given the insanity and drunks and partys around and about.
Maybe I am hurting because I feel like I failed someone even though I still care about this person, its not right. And I have to draw further bounderies, and cant get caught up in her shit. Maybe I have to respect boundries I dont want to., and maybe I bitched at john because I had something bad happen that I fucked up on right before I walked in the door, and was bitchy about and he bitched about a fucking diet coke, maybe even in restraunts and service, I need to be less ecentric and damanding and more collected and calm and less well judgemental in the force field wall and shield up of hurting or misunderstanding.
I made a big deal about a fucking diet coke for christ sake, and now I have to ponder on this. Blah. Thats being a bitch about nothing, bitch about the fucking pot holes, the crack heads that are around, the fucked up system here in harris county.
Thats what corin and I talked about red tape, buracray and the fucked up system for those who try to make it, bitch about the over-jellious blind guy, that suckers people, bitch about the wild fires in califromina, the high property taxs, the distrcution of historic buildings, the lack of edna, the shit we are in now as a country, the division and worngs and injustices we have found our self a country close to anarchy, povery and debit selling outsourceing and the privatiazaion of war, which even though as much as I want to be a part of, I am not but wish I was given the money invloved.
And I have more diffcultyu dramma and chos to deal with shortly when My call is returned, one day at a time little by little I progress into sanity, faith, progress and zen.
mlgaetjens2038: HI
: yo
mlgaetjens2038: hey
: kicking ass at research today
mlgaetjens2038: ah
mlgaetjens2038: i figured something was up
mlgaetjens2038: I dont want to push
mlgaetjens2038: Im struggleing lately
: so am i, crying daily due to stress/assignment/social demands
mlgaetjens2038: Im just lonely, tired of this, and trying to get things right. and hurting due to the hollidays
mlgaetjens2038: yeah me too, obviously i wasted a lot of money, my life may be all beauty but I dont eat sometimes for days or other things
mlgaetjens2038: blah
mlgaetjens2038: I understand
mlgaetjens2038: i think
mlgaetjens2038: and Im hurting because I remeber how wrong I was, but I cant have any contact because I would hurt others
: anyhow back to work
mlgaetjens2038: so Ive sort of droped into the shadows
mlgaetjens2038: even lilly gave up and others. Ill tell you what I probbley wont make it alive to next year
mlgaetjens2038: Id rather die than drink again, in brual honesty
mlgaetjens2038: tghough I have had a sort of productive week
mlgaetjens2038: anyway do you thing
mlgaetjens2038: later
marskitt3n: seriously, drinking sucks, especially when it costs $10-15 to get a drink worth tasting that won't make u sick the next morn
mlgaetjens2038: yeah
mlgaetjens2038: i used to drink draft beer, and vokia
mlgaetjens2038: and go to partys to get top shelf stuff
mlgaetjens2038: with open bars, ive even been baned form palces bacuase off my drinking or loud mouth, obviously I dont take crap from people anymore
mlgaetjens2038: i tell them off but stay within the law
: right, later
mlgaetjens2038: yeah
mlgaetjens2038: i know it does look will you do me a fovor
mlgaetjens2038: favor
mlgaetjens2038: i understand if you dont want to
: i'm totally fucked for anything until the dec 7
: g/f doesn't get time, neither will you unless its just me talking
mlgaetjens2038: will you discreatly hint to chris about maybe openin dilect long term to allowing me back - and I understand if you dont want to be in my shit
mlgaetjens2038: I have a lot going on also untill after dec . jan feb 2008
mlgaetjens2038: I go to meetings but less often, and I am rembering very detailed bad things I did, and nasty things I did to christan, lilly, and others after 3 months or so im allmost at 4 you remeber very deetailed
: i've not seen chris since the charity even in sept
mlgaetjens2038: I dindt deserve what was done to me, but honestly dont think Ill ever get justice, becuase of my wrap sheet, Ive quit going to events, socials, or any7 plotcal or candlelight and laid back from lamba more due to well remering people from out nad about, and keeping a lower profile which houston is a big city but like a small town.
mlgaetjens2038: Im in no hury
mlgaetjens2038: hurry I need time to work on my shit also
mlgaetjens2038: I was going to call chris boess afew times, but rembered something bad I did to someone else near her workplace
: you realize it would be alot quicker, more direct and saner just to e-mail right/
mlgaetjens2038: very vividlty when I was drinking and partying. and could not handle it, I was going to open dilect but not go on propety and try and well discuss. I get no responce. nothing except that my eamils are being fowarded to law enfrocment and to stop so I have
mlgaetjens2038: now from lilly and others
mlgaetjens2038: whats the fucking point
mlgaetjens2038: I dont have any community or understranding
: fuck it, try - a good life motto
mlgaetjens2038: anyway, I was wrong. and even chris in her own blog, wahsed her hands from me
mlgaetjens2038: Look the point is if I do kill myself, Im going to do it in a manner which i WILL get a lot of fame but I wont hurt anyone else it just will be notable
mlgaetjens2038: inor will i destory any property or harm others or scare or terrosie others
mlgaetjens2038: it will just be notable
: or how about you don't
mlgaetjens2038: Ive given up on finding work, and myself. I really dont want to. honestly
mlgaetjens2038: but if it comes to my life going further down, with debit, fiances, or being on the streets rather than ask someone who doesnt even comfirm my existince like I am garbage andf not a person or go back to jail or prison, and given my long record with HPD mostly petrty things, patriot act, disorderly contdut, and many repaors and complaints, they could fuck me up or set me up on the streets so yes death is a better answer than becomeing homeless garbage that hpd and metro likes to fuck with
mlgaetjens2038: I really dont want to though honestly
: right whatever, working
mlgaetjens2038: If it comes to it I hope I could run
mlgaetjens2038: will you at least explore than option when You are able
mlgaetjens2038: if you dont want to Im not going to terroise you or further cause harm
mlgaetjens2038: Im just asking
: no seriously big paper deal, i can talk but not at length remember? back to work
mlgaetjens2038: my life my seem fine and dandy and emo, but honestlty its not. and I do want to be honest just not publicly
mlgaetjens2038: yeah later bye ttyl
k
Basicly the bitch switch is OFF.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
an open letter from a friend
I have some unpleasent tasks to do later today, and do not wish to do them, but I will, I have other tasks to do later, and at hand. I did not remeber how much pain, I caused others, and fear when I drink. I know I was wrong, and I know I am not any better than those who wronged me, I have to go to the atty later and take care of unpleasant tasks soon.
I also hope my friend is still sober, and others are as well. I feel badly for chewing someone out yesterday, and dealing with pain and a big disipointment yesterday, but I have laundry, and groups and homework to do tonight.
I also went running at 3am this morning, and stoped by my po box on the way home, more crap in the box, a large envlovpe full of more stuff to do.
this weekend, I think I might do some maintance in the carport, air filter service, maybe even take the dashboard apart to do some work and fix a rattle from the last time. and change a bulb as well.
A letter from a close friend and worker:
I hope you are going to meetings and finding some sense of serenity.
I also hope my friend is still sober, and others are as well. I feel badly for chewing someone out yesterday, and dealing with pain and a big disipointment yesterday, but I have laundry, and groups and homework to do tonight.
I also went running at 3am this morning, and stoped by my po box on the way home, more crap in the box, a large envlovpe full of more stuff to do.
this weekend, I think I might do some maintance in the carport, air filter service, maybe even take the dashboard apart to do some work and fix a rattle from the last time. and change a bulb as well.
A letter from a close friend and worker:
I hope you are going to meetings and finding some sense of serenity.
I have been changing some gears lately in my own life for my own health, well-being and welfare. Admittedly, I have been totally preoccupied with my own concerns right now. There are many pressing issues I must address. I wish things were simpler, but they are not right now. You need a strong sponsor. Someone you can respect and will listen to.
You may have already learned that sponsors can be extremely fallible (which I have certainly learned lately); and that putting all your eggs in one basket may lead to disaster. Often, it may be necessary for you to go by the seat of your pants when it comes to AA and meetings, etc. That is another reason it is a good idea to go to all kinds of meetings. For me it is totally necessary for my peace of mind. You are definitely narrowing the field of expertise if you don't.
I am grateful that I have gotten to know you and I certainly hope that you are and will experience all the benefits of contented sobriety. I wish I could communicate some of the benefits and rewards that I have gained, but right now I am still trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle back together the second time around. There are some scary changes that I am going through myself.
I'm sure we will cross paths somewhere soon, but in the mean time, please focus on developing more faith in your higher power. I am tired now and need to go to bed. Without knowing what I can offer, I will call you when I can, but with no guarantees right now.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Monday, October 29, 2007
my life and feelings
I also observed someone today, that is along the lines of myself, people look at my life and wonder what is so bad about it. I know and others do not, I know I must admit defeat but I do not. I have an appointment to tour a few plants out near baytown. I am doing ok and growing, and have an appointment with a legal matter in baytown.
I have an appointment later today, and other things in mind. I also have plans this week, and hope things fall into place, the holidays are up coming bah. Ill be alone, I barely made it through Halloween I wonder how thanksgiving and Christmas will fare. Id rather be alone and sober or die trying. Its not that people don't find me intrusting some do, I just brush them away. I don't want to hurt anyone else. 
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
I have an appointment later today, and other things in mind. I also have plans this week, and hope things fall into place, the holidays are up coming bah. Ill be alone, I barely made it through Halloween I wonder how thanksgiving and Christmas will fare. Id rather be alone and sober or die trying. Its not that people don't find me intrusting some do, I just brush them away. I don't want to hurt anyone else.
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29 October 2007 @ 11:44 am
10/29/07
Today I am hurting, I hurt in spirt. I am like the matrix, I want out but dont want whats real, or not real anymore. Reality hurts. It really does, but I am a fighter. I cant deal with other peoples bullshit, just mine. I must not stick my nose where it is not wanted and continue into enlightenment.
I met someone more recently to whom I suspect is a bad influence, and I have seen around here and there. Blah the agony of a photographic memory, and being miss thing busy body and being honest and loyal.
--Today I am hurting, I hurt in spirt. I am like the matrix, I want out but dont want whats real, or not real anymore. Reality hurts. It really does, but I am a fighter. I cant deal with other peoples bullshit, just mine. I must not stick my nose where it is not wanted and continue into enlightenment.
I met someone more recently to whom I suspect is a bad influence, and I have seen around here and there. Blah the agony of a photographic memory, and being miss thing busy body and being honest and loyal.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Life daily affirmations, self discovery, zen and the art of soberity in the lone star state and my postive affiramtiod and further self-discovery
10/28/2007
I remember tonight some revelation. I crossed paths Saturday night with the girl I lost my virginity to whom is also transgender it was bad, I felt dirty and disgraced, but she had grace again. She appeared to be sober, good and doing well and had worked on her transition and blended in quite well.
I also at Taft street met a girl who was nice to me, but appeared to be using meth, and doped up and was using. I also crossed paths with a few other people to whom I had wronged. I made my choices and accept defeat, I conversed with someone That I need to be stone butch and stand my ground to achieve my goals, I accept I am in Houston till at least feb 2008 with traffic court, I have been thinking of going back into the work force, and altering my appearance slightly to achieve the goals but not cut my hair, but maybe alter wardrobe slightly.
I also discovered That I crossed paths with 3 other people whom were mtf or ftm in matter or sorts here in space city, one told me to admit defeat like I did with my drinking and go to mhmra. I talked to GM more recently, I feel badly for her and what is going on with her, but I must focus on myself. I have almost 4 months and I was a bitch to my sponsor this weekend and feel poorly.
I also am going to go to the center on Monday, and see Melanie morrison on wed oct 31th everyday is Halloween. And this week make my amends as well. I am going to face someone but do things right and calmly soon before Christmas I have a goal and in the back of my twised little pea brained in mind. I somewhat enjoyed Rudyard's but bars, clubs are not my cup of tea so to speak.
I linked up with a few girls whom I went to high school, with. One we rode the bus she lives close to jersey village. And another is back home who remembered my name we had homeroom together. Both were very nice to me. And I left a message with the other girl. We had a mutual friend and later one of my arch enemies chad fontnot. She was in rotc, and I always was attracted to.
I've thought and dismissed of my health to work as someone I am not. I was sort of shocked to meet her more recently she seems to be nice, and I liked her cute nose. Though she has to work a bit more on the manners and voice. I remember our time together and it was awkward same as with gm and why I must not allow myself to become to close to people whom don't understand me.
Its bad to brush off, I helped some with the lighting at lamba for the Halloween show, and visited primary purpose. And Friday night went and viewed the stuck up cult in the infamous wal-mart church and the cult leader impersonal, cash cow Joel olstean and barbie doll bitch wife. And the stuck up folks that worship at that location. Just to ego and stuck up the same lakewood church that did not open its doors to Katrina evacs due to new carpet and that segregates based on gender, and the more traditional role and is not much better than the Mormon church or quanilly x with the waste and haste of folks money whom get suckered into such a group.
Not that I am not christen, or believe in jesus, or amen or the father in heaven but the evangelism, there is ungodly and people stuck up, Joel olsten will one day be outed much like other mega churches and jimmy swaggert for the fraud that is in greenway plaza.
In other news, I ate a bunch of junk food today, the desire to consume is bad but I am copeing. At home alone. Talked to Jennifer, and brand, as well as left messages for others.
I also worked on my website, have tasks on Monday, and a tour of the kroger plant on thrusday, therpey on wendsday. And church in the morning, I might go seek out the lakewood cult experance out of irony, but don't feel the spiritual in there just the greed of overprice Jesus halough for dummies, and idiots that by his wife nice clothes, the bmw, the learjet etc and Joel is tailored suits, and the hummer.
I'm not in the mood, I also saw a few other people, and clarity is setting in more, and have allowed my stubborn inner bitch to achieve Zen and seek defeat. I need to find a group to hang with that I like and stick with it though I have yet to find that.
People are wrong about ellciasea and taft street its a community of folks that evolve more and more while not the rainbow crowed still they grow around the folks there. I don't like most glbt activism or groups, even though I am part of it I just want to exist as my inner women and community groups like hacs, tats etc are well mannered as is christen and others, its about existing something you can only do for you, like the zoo and freak show.
I remembered more detailed a wrong I did someone I tailed and committed some property crime against out of revenge when I was drinking and partying and I am going to make amends when the time is right and admit the wrong when I have corrected my charter, physical and mental defects of my life.
I met someone tonight whom revered to the person I lost my virginity to as a he, or it or holy shit what the fuck, after I was going to do them a favor I left my house and place in huge and massive disgust and shame at the lack of awareness of us being women, not shims, trannys, trans-women but fucking women.
I also at taft street crossed paths with a girl whomI met on the street that hit on me and red me similar at a highit in my life before sinking into the slums of the shitholes. In the world. Who spoke about the manner and I remembered more of the pain I covered up.
I am grieving but know what I need to do, I know I need to find myself again sober. I remembered a lot about myself and I drank so hard to cover up, GM helped me tonight to see that I need not be so crucial of others that care and want to help but to face the inner bitch and accept I don't have control over others but have control over myself. Blah. Hogwash religion factors, and the hate and narcism grows once again.
Everything I remember thought I knew about the world, Houston and life was and is and continues to be wrong, and I have for the past 2.5 – 3 years suppressed it with drinking and more. I have to promptly admit defeat, and despair and go and shall seek help, and compassion and seek to further myself, life and grow and prosper more and more. Live and grow more to continue to progress into life and Zen as my trueself.
I remember why I started drinking in the first place, to suppress my feelings, reality and coming out. I have very morbid clarity at how wrong I was and the wrongs I committed to myself, others and the world. I was wrong and I admit defeat, stubbornly but nor the less I do.
I know I can not serve others now just myself, I need to be more graceful and prosperous in myself, and life. I have to continue to grow into Zen and myself. I know what I must do even though I haven't done it. I saw someone this weekend from my old end of town, west-chase, spring branch, town and country center. Someone and a few people I liked, old crushes and growth. I urn for Zen and continuing to prosper into myself.
I remember who I am and why I hurt, because I was wrong, afraid, homophobic, and most of all feared my true self. I admire the person during one of my rare occasions I lowered my standards is clean and sober and doing well and happy. How much I had well not remembered. And how long ago that was, my ingression and confessional.
I also care so much about myself, given I have to be right before I can right others rather than myself. Ill find plans or something to do, but I will remain sober. I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically a strong person, know my boundaries, and smart, and grateful for what I do have, life sobriety, my truck, and a roof over my head and renewed faith in living not existing.
I'm going to face the inner bitch, go where I nust, and get the god damn tax forms on my own this week. And have contact with folks I desire not to have contact with. Even though I already knew that what was missing, and go tour the plant and workplace where I desire to continue to progress and grow.
I today visited the Covenant church today and well it was sort of ok, I like ellicica as well as the Unitarian church and the metropolitan community church but have yet to find myself, or where I fit in or am loved and accepted maybe I don't want to be loved, I have trouble letting go of the hurt and pain inside.
I also saw the blind guy, whom looks like he is cleaning up, saw also the person whom da-ja-vu again. And remembered more about myself I think but don't know much anymore. I don't know where love or the love is anymore.
I also love myself and discover that capricorns. I also love myself and home and enjoy the cool Texas nights and wonderful glorious weather we are experanceing in south east corner and the gulf region of the lone star state. A meeting might be in spiritual order this week. I also discovered something else I made peace with someone I wronged and propmpy changed and are continuing to access my defects and work on my faults even though its not about me. I learned that in church, you have to have balance of power and work on my drama, narcism and bullshot. Something that sponsoring and helping someone out, to whom I still feel very attached to cant deal with her mis management of my life or mine. I must be selfish to reactive persona spirituality and Zen or inner peace as you will.
I've begun reading and singing again, and not sweating the small things and faults in life. It saddens me the shame I have brought to my name and dishonor, but I am grateful to be alive and discovering things I might normally not discover.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
my greatful day and self reflctions
I'm hurting inside today, I know I am a wonderful and amazing person. Just the pain builds. Bady but to boot my moral per my sponsor, yesterday I went to 2 meetings, and have been to a meeting 3 meetings in 2 days per my sponsors request.
I need to compose something to be grateful for. I am grateful that I have hot water, my neighbor I am really worried sick about I wish if she went out of town had said something, I talked to an acquaintance, and that is a gay rm from the lds church. Ironical enough a bishop goes into the porn shop, and another person I know a mission president sometimes is spotted in the Hollywood super center another time I sported him at smooches. Its not my cup of tea I was at smooches delivering pizza, the super cent I eat or drink coffee next door.
I actually have high standards sexually even though I have lowered them ona rare occasions. I also found out that the nasty ass hustle bar is closeting and its going to be a parking lot cusions is closing in February. I saw my neighbor looking like she may have gone and walked the streets. I wonder if she, got picked up in a vice bust, given she goes over there, or got arrested or worse. The news papers are stacking up and as much as I don't like her, we have a lot in common, I was bad with fear and intimation and make a lousy terrorist sober, she does the sex thing.
Regardless, I have to make my list of grateful, I am grateful I mad e few friends, even though I am a private laid back shy person, I like to go to coffee shops to people watch. I also found out I am grateful for well life and freedom, and well more honesty. And working to better myself.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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