4/20/08

The reality of life and what I do, is more. The reality of myself, and who I am is what I know more. The reality is what I know and who I know, is what I feel. I discovered myself. And my chapter to my own awaking. I slept good, no plumbing problems this morning in the bathroom, I got opt late late night 9:30 ish, and awoke around 3:45 AM (PST) this morning and continue to the path to enlightenment and inner peace.

The reality is, I look foward to the future, I accepted defeat, that I cant change the past, or resentments about the past. I cant change resentments toward, Houston Area Community Services, The Houston Transgender Unity Community, Chirtsan Williams, (HACS / Transgender)Antique, Victor, Carl. John, James, Elmadean, Tina, Henry, (Wal-Mart 3296) i ALSO know I have to let go, and with working on my resenemtns and starting over with-out repeating prior transgressions, I tdcidded to cancel and rebook, my trip ot phonix for the poruopse of transporting my truck and little proepty seince I purged and walked away.

Many years later, I shallk return to houston to make ammends, but First I must get some managaabilly in my life once again. I had a wondeerful womens meeting, our lady of safe way might get swapped for the Alano Club or The marinia Dock again.

I am unsure as to what I might do, but one day ata time, progress not prefection I make peace withmyself and chapter to my own gnositism.

4/21/2008

In other news, today I ate ok, some (gasp) fish even though vegan, to keep the bitch swithc off I shall, I further progressed and got my health back I have not been eating well sometimes doing a day or two with only a begal for lunch or so, and drinking to much coffee or to little water of fluids.

I supposed I am depressed, and stressed, but still sober. Today was ok as far as producativitey but semi lazy, I ahng out at the center a bit and took care of some leagl forms, and fincial ammends to people places and things in texas. I also found out someone I know from my party days is back in conty and going to huntsville on a 3^rd strike for numrouis felonys.

I also found out more, about past things, and was a bit busy-body as I am very good at doing. I ate ok, rested, and took care of life. I further progressed into peace. I talked to ray, and thanked him, and asked for his plans of 50 years sober the golden soberity. I e-mailed ben some things.

I talked to danille a bit, and moved on but I have been being alone latey, Pushing folks away not calling, I think I found a sponsor that works for me, and I can be totally honest with. I also have a new crush to speak of, that I like, and I contunie further into enlighemnt even if at my nown scoail life a bit down, and mellowing out, and becomijgn less self-centered, needly and busy bodyish.

I love life, I just am leanening to live again, I had a salad recently and also saw another fucked up cracked out transtgender whom “knows me” I dont know you well, I dont asscoaite with people who drink use drugs or at least make a honest effort to stop. Its not my problem.

Maybe sometimes I am a cold-hearted bitch, but at least I admit my faults and admit my fact, and views are not mainstream GLBT or Transgender, or women or my LDS (former) faith.

4/22/08

TODAY went to our lady of safe way MB was disruptive, and carried a “CLUB” into the AA meeting, I stood, up and called 911- at 7:30 AM this morning and SFPD arrived at 8:15 way after the meeting, I am tired of not being safe this week, I have been bothered I hate when drunks hit on me, grope me or otherwise don't make me feel safe inside the church which I attended meetings, I saw Ben is morning who is going to Houston for a conference, which I told to say hi to old friends, and aqauinaces, and gave him some resources to use.

In other news, I slept well had a wonderful shower, yesterday was somewhat productive, I am planning my trip amongst other factors, I also have to pick up my MUNI fastness soon as well. And have much to do, I checked mail some of the Trucks Tax documents were enclosed.

I understand moving, and geographics is stressful for sobriety, but I understood, like hell as selfish and cold hoarded and even as MB was this morning, that could be me, and furthermore I have no Hard feelings toward my biggest resentment myself, but To be damned if I admit defeat to those I associate ith me becoming a drunk.

I am acoutnbale for how I deal with it the meeting is deviled with this. I am tried of MB coming to the meetings drunk with booze in the back pocket, why the fuck should I change where I go to meetings, the next step is to contact the church administration about my concerns, I am not going to let this go. Just as I was in the past, I now am put in a simaulr suituion. I go there to be safe, and sober, and around someone who day after day, drinks, uses, bums coffee and gets out the cold, to use over and over again, AA isn't really the place, county jail or a detox, is the place. And yes I am afraid and no I will not sit idle, that's how I rashionaled my drinking, acts of violence, and other affairs.

You cant help someone that doesn't want it, but you can send them to jail, maybe they will have their moment of calory maybe not, I am powerless over someone's choice not to be sober, but if My safety and sobeeeirty and someone armed with a potetnional deadly weapon and drinking, needs to stop, I will take this where ever it needs to go, how ever far it goes. I don't have a problem, with MB I have a problem with Mbs actions, and behaviors, much as others did with me.

The irony, I'm going to stop my eating disorder thing, take better care of myself. And move forward. I need another meeting, because my meeting is bound by threats of valiance; that stupid far left liberals, try to forgive, why the fuck should I by cookies out of the goodness of my ehart to slow chronic active drug users and drugs to sit in a meeting, that obviously daunt want to change they want coffee, shelter from the cold, and food and go back out again, fuck that shit, Id rather maybe a moment t of sober and reality in jail would give them desire to stop. Maybe getting beat up by law enforcement would help.

It worked in my case, I realized I wore out my welcome and moved forward. Maybe others need a moment of clarity as well.

In any matter a huge vegan lunch nis ion order, I have some banking and other forms to print later at the center, I have a appointment with some civil legal matters and move on with my life, plus soon a trip to the DPS office is in order. Caio.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Life in collage and san francisco

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The the reality of myself is that I love more of what I do, as this morning I bitched someone out that had no reason to be bitched gratitude is urgent and needed more often for myself, peace and enlightenment and for who and what I am. I also know more of what I need to do for me and my soul.

The other part is needing a meeting, and the things that were given to me made me a bit well odd and obscure, Dr. MF took good care of me yesterday, I got my shots, and my hrt scripts as well last night and took care of business as well and as usual.

I passed a physical exam, he also thinks the Prozac might be good to stop and is making me to manic and panic which I agree, I also think its making me insane, and It caused me to bitch someone out. I stayed with a friend last night, going to get regular housing, and maybe cook something, my air flight is there, I also have some collage commitments this week as well for things to do for myself and my life and future and enlightenment.

I dreamed a bit last night took a shower, groomed a bit this morning as well, I look nice I also have some tasks to finish this week, I have a plan to follow, and to stay out and away of slippery people places and things.

I dreamed a bit more of my life future and enlightenment and zen and inner peace of my inner child, of myself and who I really am and want to be and not who others force me. I faced a fear. I admit I am afraid of BART, muni and enclosed cars. I talked and vented my frustrations of others, hate, myself, and my sexual assault and abuse and resentment toward CW, LR and ZK amongst others.

My finances are beginning to get in order, I talked to sonny at lambda this morning, and updated him, and things are going through. I got hit on again this morning. I also it seems certain MUNI lines I git hit on, or bitched ad my drunks more.

I dream also more so of a life, and brighter future for myself, life and enlightenment. I also lost 25 lbs in 2 months and have been working out as well and I am getting in better shape as well and reaching my sober weight loss goals if I could get down to 150 or 135 or so again I would be so delighted, I also ate some yummy tahi food, San Francisco has some great tahi, Chinese and Japanese foods as well.

I also am going to meet with BS today and ride the bart back and pickup some items, mail, and do some shopping, and get a meeting today, I also learned more about myself, inner peace, life and what I know and want to know for myself and who I am as a individual. My Prozac further more has become a bit un-manageable and moody and a royal bitch I have become.

I have a crush or two, and many admires whom mostly I Delcine (male, still smoking pot, abusive, unattractive, etc) I also have a few of my own crushes as well. I also discover more about my life, and who I am and less over-judegemtnal life and stereotype, I have perceptional as a human and female, the truth is I am insecure with myself family, grandmother and want so badly to belong and please others and myself and life, I know who I am as a individual and myself

I also know who I am as a person and where, also I want to go as a person myself, and life for who I am, as myself I know more about myself and who I am as a person and where I want to go for myself, and where I want to go as myself and where and who, what and my utterly high standards even if I break a rule now and than or two, I also know that even being friendly with my gas guzzling truck, being outside the system and myself, I learn more about, life love and myself.

I think more of others, and even though I can be a self-centered, cut your throat, evil, mischievous, selfish, self centered bitch I also know more about my life, as a person, and who and what I want and need, and where I want to go for me and my enlightenment, program, school, work and life and where I am as a person and who I want to be

I know more for my life, future and fear of the unknown and enlightenment for others and myself

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Life IN the bay of happyness

01/27/08

Monday is open trans thrive is closed until wed this week, shelter is ok, have to renew on Tuesday have an appointment at the GA and Food stamp office, wed the trans gender employment empowerment committee has a meeting at the glbt center.

Found a nice coffee shop sort of close by, also did some reading this weekend at the public library which is from trans men or other folks dangerous by the security forces for trans gender folks, and confusion. The cops shot some nut job today homeless who pulled a knife, they have been nice to me, given I am clean, sober, and staying out of trouble and trying to better myself the officers have been very kind to me, and helpful and followed up.

Its rough here but the affirmation and progress slow and steady is worth it, the disibilliy advocacy group and life is moving along Monday or Tuesday I should have food stamps and can go to safe way to get bread and some fruit for my vegan diet, the folks from the UU church were nice to me, went out to this middle eastern veggy restraint and ate ok, and for 4 bucks for my share was ok. Met some cool lesbian girls who were nice, and some other lib rial minded straight folks, who were nice, have some folks to watch the L word with later.

I admit I am lonely, went to the marina dock today and the Alano club, have a commitment tomorrow to meet my sponsor for queers crackpots and fallen women at the Alano club in the bay area, slept good, and still working hard to move on.

Ive grown to appreciate soup, sweaters, mittens, scarves, hats, beanies, and stockings and comfortable shoes for going up hills. The 6^th approach and can tie into services at a program and Tuesday can follow up with Taylor at tarc, found a hotel and place I like once my divisibility rolls in and I can go to city collage for a training program and applied for employment and empowerment, applied at the gap, and American apperial. For back room and a stock girl.

In other news, did a bunch of walking today, and my doctor is wonderful, filled my scripts yesterday, and admitted powerless over my problems, it saddens me to see so many folks who gave up hope here, and the confusion and panic that exists amongst those strung out on pot, or folks walking down the street smoking a joint, and cops don't care. The drug culture here is well very strong.

I wish others could have what I have, I wish those I encounter and I did meet another lady at a shelter that wants what I have, and is in a simulr situation and is sober, but never used or drank, but doesn't use. The vast majority need help and don't want it, I want a better future self-supporting, others don't in the wasteland, thats why the cops I think are nice to me, I am nice to them, calm and collected trying to make it in a world. And honest about my past, and misdemeanors, and not causing trouble. They treat me with respect.

01/28/08

Talked to MLS a bit last night, have a TG support meeting later, and other things to do, Might go hang out with my friend later in the building I plan to move into soon as well. Ate some cookies this morning and had coffee, watched others around me in insanity, hung out a bit in the Castro last night with some coffee, have my TG support meeting, renewed my housing, and have an appointment Tuesday at the food stamp office. Have a hotel in mind thats a bit nicer than the run of the mill crackpots, has a bathroom and shower in room, as well as a community room with a computer and direct tv which they get the LOGO channel, and showtime and hbo. So the L word, queer as folk etc are rocking there plus my friend lives there two thats also clean and sober and TG and awesome as well.

The drop in center is open later this week on wed, a shower is nice, have to do to laundry, and socks, my friend might have a pair of flats for me, and I have other things to work out and push for my appointments life, and future.

I also have to meet with my sponsor today, and go to queers crackpots and fallen woemn, and enjoyed the marina dock, and alano club, and had fun at the MCC and keep comeing back

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)