Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Slept good last night this morning, have an appointment about obtaining a grant to go back to school. Also going to clear up my IRS issues this week for tax estimation, a happier chapter in my life begins. My grandmother went officially into cartiric arrest, and is in a coma, with little chance of ever being alive in this world. She’s in a breathing machine.
Ate a yummy veggie side salad Jack in the box has awesome vegetarian salads. The best in San Francisco for the buck. Have to go pick up my inscriptions at the drug store as well. Slept well.
I miss being able to call my grandmother and tell her I love her. She lived to be eighty-five, and doesn’t want to live on a breathing machine. I also added some code to my site yesterday. In addition, the front page of the San Francisco Chronicle, speaks MUNI Accidents Cost S.F. Dearly. Which all the law suits, bad drivers, and poor reputation of the San Francisco Municipal Railway. We also ranked 2nd as the greenest city, we scored last for risk of disaster in the united states.
San Francisco ranked last due to the following reasons
1.) Traffic
2.) Lack of affordable housing.
3.)
Like Hurricane Ike, it’s a bad time to be in San Francisco when threes an earthquake, the same way it’s a bad time to be on Galveston island during a hurricane, and it’s for a non alcoholic a good time to be on bourbon street in New Orleans enjoying a hurricane at jimmy buffets Margaretville.
Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I made amends with my grandmother
2.) Grateful that I have people in San Francisco, Houston, New Orleans, Berkeley, Oakland that Care about me
3.) Grateful That I am sober
4.) Grateful that my dreams are starting to become a reality
5.) Grateful to have a good support and social circle
6.) Grateful to have come to California on Jan 6th 2008
7.) Grateful to be sober from July 13, 2007
The List
1.) Mail
2.) Appointment today
3.) IRS
4.) Drug Store
5.) Write code, do step work, meeting
My Goals
1.) Be more adherence to my vet diet
2.) Cut back drastically on my coffee and iced tea consumption
3.) Drink a fuck of a lot more water
4.) Attend more bulimic anonymous, debtor anonymous, and overeaters anonymous, anorexic anonymous, video game anonymous, interned addicts anonymous, online game anonymous meetings
5.) Be kinder to others with service
6.) Read the big book more
Furthermore Discovering more about myself as an individual I continue to live, long, grow and prosper as a wonderful individual.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Showing posts with label texas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label texas. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
My change in name and gender went relative well, I also made some monetary amends and called a few folks to make amends and deal with other issues for the matters, I on Sunday celebrated q year sober.
My HRT and meds came back very positive and affirming, my hormones are a bit back into adjustment, I have a Dr. Appointment in the east bay in the next week.
I have the SS-5 form for the social security office, I need to go to my bank, finance company, DMV, alameda county recorder’s office. And much much more in the next few weeks, but not go so much to turn burnout and insanity, I also have a DL328 as well for my gender marker for my drivers licenses, and also have a driver’s test.
I found a new insurance company and need to seek replacement documents for some insurance matters in importing my truck into California. The Texas truck moves on trucking out of the lone star state.
I confided in my doctor and will do so to my therapist in a few matters, which I had not disclosed out of fear of rejection but honestly is the key to the pursuit of happiness. I admit defeat and am willing to be honest, just more selective and secretive and evasive in who, what and where I suggest.
I also for a few other matters am torn between some good auto Insurance quotes I have gotten for my 4x4 Tailgate. These matters take time and as a late Capricorn borderlineing or aquarious. I am progressing but being careful not to burn out again, and maintain discipline
I am over my romantic loss, and hurt. Never say never again, and discursion. Is necessary per say. I have individuals make passes at me on occasion but reject in the favor of faith, and future enlighten. I have therapy tomorrow and a few other things today
Gratitude list
1.) Grateful for being able to admit being helpless in My drinking, OCD and getting on the crazy train without the help of fellowship, hard work, and determination
2.) Grateful for life, and court and starting a new one
3.) Grateful for understanding that I need to change myself, and make myself more of an asset rather than a liability.
Today thins to do
1.) Post Office
2.) Drop Documents off at storage
3.) Go walking/ rest and relax
4.) Drink lots of water
5.) Work on papers for clients
6.) Mail Letters and documents
7.) Print Forms at Library for conference in Los Angeles
8.) Print Documents for my pickup truck regarding Texas, Louisiana and California DMV, country tax office, and DPS
9.) Print Drivers diocese documents
10.) Print forms for Finance company, bank and other options with name change and fill out and mail proof of documentation
11.) Send finical amends to creditors and debtors.
gaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
My change in name and gender went relative well, I also made some monetary amends and called a few folks to make amends and deal with other issues for the matters, I on Sunday celebrated q year sober.
My HRT and meds came back very positive and affirming, my hormones are a bit back into adjustment, I have a Dr. Appointment in the east bay in the next week.
I have the SS-5 form for the social security office, I need to go to my bank, finance company, DMV, alameda county recorder’s office. And much much more in the next few weeks, but not go so much to turn burnout and insanity, I also have a DL328 as well for my gender marker for my drivers licenses, and also have a driver’s test.
I found a new insurance company and need to seek replacement documents for some insurance matters in importing my truck into California. The Texas truck moves on trucking out of the lone star state.
I confided in my doctor and will do so to my therapist in a few matters, which I had not disclosed out of fear of rejection but honestly is the key to the pursuit of happiness. I admit defeat and am willing to be honest, just more selective and secretive and evasive in who, what and where I suggest.
I also for a few other matters am torn between some good auto Insurance quotes I have gotten for my 4x4 Tailgate. These matters take time and as a late Capricorn borderlineing or aquarious. I am progressing but being careful not to burn out again, and maintain discipline
I am over my romantic loss, and hurt. Never say never again, and discursion. Is necessary per say. I have individuals make passes at me on occasion but reject in the favor of faith, and future enlighten. I have therapy tomorrow and a few other things today
Gratitude list
1.) Grateful for being able to admit being helpless in My drinking, OCD and getting on the crazy train without the help of fellowship, hard work, and determination
2.) Grateful for life, and court and starting a new one
3.) Grateful for understanding that I need to change myself, and make myself more of an asset rather than a liability.
Today thins to do
1.) Post Office
2.) Drop Documents off at storage
3.) Go walking/ rest and relax
4.) Drink lots of water
5.) Work on papers for clients
6.) Mail Letters and documents
7.) Print Forms at Library for conference in Los Angeles
8.) Print Documents for my pickup truck regarding Texas, Louisiana and California DMV, country tax office, and DPS
9.) Print Drivers diocese documents
10.) Print forms for Finance company, bank and other options with name change and fill out and mail proof of documentation
11.) Send finical amends to creditors and debtors.
gaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Sunday, December 16, 2007
news and views and myself
My right side hurts, pulled something. It aches, as does my left side and my many marks from work and other things mostly archived in Houston, though a few childhood scars, one on my right leg, my head mark made in high school when I feel and split my head open in my freshman year I was known for the kid who busted their head open.
I remembered something more recently a Insecurity and self-development. And other tasks. I have laundry to process today, I packed, ate ok, slept ok, recharged and will tough things out. The wet and cold weather, Texans have no clue. I love the weather. I love, the cold, rain, snow, and when its cold.
I dream of telecommuting in Montana or retiring a ranch in the mountains and rural high life would be great, or a loft or townhouse in the bay area. The upcoming election seems odd, and disappointing. I like Dennis Kucinich due to his support of transgender inclusive EDNA but it would be to far left, Clinton is ok, but again a flip flopper, and a lier of being supportive of unions she was the first woman on the board at Wal-Mart and just dont trust her. Obbma has not much experience is ok, but skinhead groups and neo Nazi, and the KKK would really hate Obbma.
I like Nader and see myself as a green party, libertarian, and ind pedant swing voter.
The county jail bond failed In Houston due to the fact of total lack of law enforcement we spend so much on the city of Houston police department IT and information systems in fact we have a bigger IT budget than the other 4 larger city's in the united states, due to the lack of law enforcement, being a major city with zero zoning and urban planing.
We have the problems of LA, NYC and some where in the mix folks are tired of the lock them up, Texan thing. The big deal is due to having to put cops where the spikes in crime and GPS and real time crime and 911 tracking every 6 hours and soon to be hourly real time crime updates and in car GPS systems.
Now you pay Your HOA a fee, for fast police response so you don't become a Joe Horn, which the big disgrace is he is wrong, He shot someone across the street. The other deal is the roads are falling apart partially due to hurricane Katrina destroying the port of New Orleans and making Houston the port capitol of the united states of America, over loaded trucks are destroying our once proud Texas highways.
In other news, the town home across the way is still building up, my old neighborhood was the scene of another murder and home invasion and glad I left that area, id rather put up with the inner loop and big city that suburban outskirt apartment problems in the crime ridden complexes of west chase / memorial / spring branch.
George W Bush as further disgraced this country due to giving our Oil rich Alaska land to the ruskies. The war in Iraq is costing tax payers more, The ICE (formerly INS) is now using commercial airlines to deport illegal criminals in Houston due to the lack of armed forces transports. We have more and more things going over there, and a grave yard of hummers, and other equipment on the rails or Houston.
The KBR rape case, and backwater groups as well as the wackenhuts long listed ties to murder for hire and CIA front is saddening. The cover ups lies and disgrace to united states of America that we give the ruskies oil rich land, the lack of media outrage and focusing on stuck of parris Hilton getting busted again for DUI or Britney puts her kids on ebay, or OJ doing a armed robbery is disgraceful we want real news.
The famous BBQ join long lived to The bush family and joy is closing in wake of more inner city town home development due to Big Oil greed in Houston, Otto's BBQ is soon to be town homes while the suburban ones will be gone the Old BBQ place will be town homes, much like the cirrus house and maybe even the beer can house will be gone soon.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Dark Angel
Enforcer of the night, goddess of Houston Texas The Dark Angel of space city rides off in her lone ranger into the sunset
I hurt knowing in Less than a month the time of action, reaction and choice sets in as the day draws closer to god, faith and some powers at be someplace, somewhere. I hurt knowing my right and wrong what is right and whats not.
I am having flashbacks of myself, the past, present and future. Possibly Houston despite the painful memory's and choices will work. Or can work if I work it. The life might be ok, someplace in a god or I prefer a goddess or some temple, faith and fate will kick into interpersonal growth and self discovery, love and self acceptance within myself, life, love and start to live again not exist.
The growth of my life myself god and a higher priest and or priestess, some power, someplace some where It continues to grow, bleed,l scream and discover. I know I am alive, but I Feel dead inside, my bag of bones, I slash down and bash my brains on the ground, But sober I shall, into Hell, or heaven only a god of my understanding shall tell.
I hurt knowing how bad I once was, the power of ego, lack of self-will and pity party, and boozing my way through medication, death, birth, and pondering into the future, not reliving the past I am gone, gone with the wind, the blood of my heart, mind, body and soul bleeds into the cesspool long gone and forgotten of the streets of Texas, Houston, and Harris county, the barker cypress and addicts reservoir I drown, the sam Houston toll way I smash into shame, forgotten who is to blame?
Do I really live, I don't feel alive in side, My colt 45 trembling at my side, I honk and reload and shoot the foe, of the past, present and future only to be lost by a pack of wolfs and wild creatures, off road, on the road and on and off. I stray around the interstate, us highway, farm to market roads, state highways, local roads, county roads, brown fields, oil derelicts, rednecks, yuppies, law men and women, Texas rangers.
On the seat of my Lone Ford Texas Ranger, I lie, The AK 47 by my side, the pipe bomb of narcissism dead by the hide, or cattle, the lonely gunshot that rattles. The single shot of faith the leap without bound and enlightenment the termination, and failures lie before me the girl who never was sleeps tight with the single shot she bites.
She cries at night with the 9mm by her head praying for life, and to be alive in her mind, body, soul and passion, she try to bring the courage into life and fashion. To hold on she must, to ride off into the sunset she shall, the lone ranger all jacked up she rides, in her 4x4 she goes west as she shall, interstate 10 westbound, up interstate 5 she rides the lone ranger into the sunset the fx4 emblems glistening under the full moon, like a werewolf she thrives off conversion, blood gets spattered lesbian bonnie and lee she shall, with the dog behind them she rides firearms by her and her companion she rides.
The vampire in her sucks the energy out of those she encounter, they abolish her, to all she encounters, she seeks revenge in her narc ism and ego and greed, its all about her not be. So she slaughters males, cops, people who care, she only is about her, and has a thin hair trigger, shooting left and right through being a terrorist, she slaughter with the pen not the sword. The death, body count and terrorist she leaves behind.
She slaughters her abusers, rapists, priests, sisters, and others like her. She makes poor on her word due to being a coward and greedy, a lier, narcissist, poet, and mind over matter, she has a spiritual hair trigger her AK47 of a mouth is the reason, that death is in the season in the air tonight, looking for her next victim at night, living and lieing, though terrorism, break a leg here and there, fire a gun or fireworks off in the air.
Break here and there, launder some money, take care of a person there, Red rum this, abuse that, beat the shit and get the truth out of the enjoyment of torturing others, and scaring the shit out of others as well. She might as well be in hell. She cant live with the faith and the bad girl thing does not cut it anymore, lieing down she pulls her kit and prepares to die on the floor, the pump action shotgun is not needed but she wants it is the season.
Maybe she committed some terrorism crimes, maybe it is all left behind. Maybe she shot the glass, at those in her past, framed those rice round and round, firing all around. The stick of TNT left in spite she gives a evil terroristic grin into the light. Left in the air tonight, she shoots all in spite, for it is the season, round em up and kill them for the reason.
She slashes a wrist there, cuts one on a nasty toilet on a forklift there, minuipltes this one there, and leaves that redneck out in the cold in disport, hatch this hatchet that, kill that one and don't do that.
She is a Texan by the oracle, of stupidity, so she shall get her 15 minutes of shame for the world is not to blame but the bitterness inside, she kills all at her side, for no other reason than the enjoyment of power, privilege, fear in the hearts of men, who abused her and she abused her self and did not listen. She is a vampire and helps terrorize others on the street, living out of a suitcase, boxes, and a truck on occasion, luxury hotels, and motels and rv parks, and army and police surplus shops are in season.
Gun depot, mom and pop she rides in stride, just put the bottle down for good this time, now fast aproching 5 to 6 months sober a choice now must be made in stride to keep leaping from life to life trying to fix what once went wrong, or keep going along in space city or the bayou city. Or shoot em up and fire up her pick em' truck and shoot across the open highway for a road trip with god as her god, savior and co-pilot along for the ride, keep shooting side to side.
The bitch and redneck and fucking attention whore is gone inside, she rides with her switchblade, and baseball bat at her side, and occasionally a 38 by her side, she wonders if she can ever live again. Or die trying or hop a train , or a amtrack, or maybe a greyhound or go back to hired help, putting fear and intimidation in the minds of men, her social path does not need to begin again.
Help is what she seeks, the holidays suck, she does not like the slut next door, whoring around left to right, she has more self will and pride than that, mind over matter, and damn sure her scams, and cons don't work, but she does and works hard, just lost the integrity in it all.
She is a selfish power, bitch the switch is off and that is agony, sometimes victor, henry, john, Enrique, james, Almaden, carl hurt the most. Her racism, and haltered and stereotypes of blacks, Mexicans, and inter racial is by what they did to her, long ago at west Jefferson high school the hurt her.
She views her self as a vampire, vigilante, Gothic, lesbian who hurts and brings fear power and control to the world, showing those who don't break the law, that they get her wish, as an enforcer here and there, while they honk she reloads destroying, all that oppose, with the pen not the sword she lies alive before to tell her story in a timeless fashion she is alive by gods passion.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Sunday, November 25, 2007
My life and day and night and neon and chome in space city
Had a good cafe au leit today. Later during the week if the cold keeps up given I am more stuffed than the turkey I ate, and I am usually vegan. Though the irony of addiction and food and the holidays, we have ice and sleet on the road.
Talked to the folks today, cut my phone off. Did not charge it last night and now it is chagrining more, and I am in the loop of always being connected. If you called I did not get the message.
In other news, baby its cold. Outside, I might go later in the week. I cant seem to find my gloves or ski mask. I need to stay warm. That apartment is like a meat locker. Tired form dancing last night and working, I hustled the bar at the hotel and convention last night. And had a blast.
Called home today, fired up the pickup truck. I'm going to have to do something I do not want to. And will do it. I have to call the atty Monday, go to see MM on Monday, and do other tasks as well and have much to commit to. I have much to do. I have a task at hand. I also have to get the paper work turned in Tuesday and go where I do not want to go.
I have a few strings, and clarity. The bar downstairs thats wet I have drank at the hotel bar, at the double tree. And also hustled the tunnels and know some of the guards around town. I slept good but its cold, that old montrose apartment gets like a fucking meat locker.
Have to take my pick em' up truck to the shop soon to get fixed and maintenance take care of affairs before reentering the workforce and going back to progression, and archive inner zen. Had some struggles even though this gloomy wet weather I enjoy, Its not good when you are hurting inside but I love the cold, rain, ice, snow I love cool damp weather. It rocks. And that is why I drive a 4x4 pickup truck because I like the cold, and wet and adventure.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Friday, November 16, 2007
My body is in massive pain, my back hurts, and I lack the task of sleeping at night, the cold is ungodly. My body is in pain. I have to rest. Clean house tonight, and go to a birthday party tomorrow night. I also have much to do, paper work this weekend. And try and get to the doctor. I dislike going to the doctor. I will walk out if I don't feel respected. And I don't like people touching me. In general.
I could not sleep I binge ate junk food last night when I have cravings, I don't follow my veg ways when I have cravings to drink. Which I don't get often, I watched terminator 3 and ironically enough there was a T3 edition tundra parked out on Mount Vernon and Boonie Brae this morning how fucked up is that.
I slept most of the night off and on restless, awoke this morning feeling sick and blah. Its just never ends, My tailgate cables, and assembly came in. and I have to take it to the shop for the mirror and than change my backup bulb and a few other things for my annual state inspection. And try and take some PM tonight to sleep better.
Made a few new friends and I am trying to rebuild my life, let go. And I have made loads of progress, and melamine even said she might take me into a hate crimes group. I resent the fact. I was home before 9PM last night not looking for trouble.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Monday, November 12, 2007
I told my neighbor last night that I accdiently had her food that feel out the bag when the drunk homeless guy almost called a accident, lately ive been a bit bitchy goddess of the universe type feeling when I am sick I am well brutally honest.
I slept most of today with my nasty sinus infection and committed to melanie I will do the mhmra and my sponsor before thanksgiving as a result of not going today I committed to go tomorrow and forfeit our appointment or see if she can squeeze me in later in the week, kathy has been a good 2nd sponsor for me tomorrow I pick up my 4 month chip.
My neighbor was honest with me even though it upset me. I was honest and I am becoming more honest, and grateful and kind and less attention whoreish and working on myself. I abused myself. Yesterday some drunk guy was driving down weigh when I went out to get more medicine and well chased after me he didn't like I called him a drunk and a few obscenity and remarks, today some guy was talking on the phone and I was selfish and pissed him off and he opened my trucks door and avoided a fight.
I know I am kind and more conservative and nice, and well want something more. I have leared forgiveness and ray and I see more and more on issues. And I talked to hima bit tonight. I hope I can repair damage I have done. But I have to fix the cobwebs in my brain.
I have committed to leave here at some point my dream is in science and engineering and Information tech. I want to maybe get a A+ certification before I leave here, get working at good grocery store whole foods has good gender incigve policy's. It my plan, eventfully maybe transfer so the bay area go back to school more, or possibly move to DFW or Austin. I have friends in other areas.
I uploaded some more content to my site, also talked to my neighbor and have more well honesty even if maybe all along I was angry at myself and selfish in my own twisted way. I don't sleep much anymore I resent not taking justice, but also Have decided against as much as I wanted to take the law into my own hands regarding victor, john, henry, carl, henry, james, elmadeans mistreatment of me. In the end they got their own shit. Elmadean went to jail, john got fired, and james got busted also.
The others will get it one day, just not from me. I have to learn to live, trust and go back to casual conservative me and I left a lot in that apartment behind due to not wanting to put up with the abuse, my safe place is my truck, thats my zone I don't like to stay at home just because my home and my truck has been well taken from me to speak.
I want a roomies, but no pets I want someone to be at home and cuddle with but not a big fluffy pet. My neighbor and I have become closer and she confided and me and I did in her, I might take her to a meeting now and than. I just need my solitude at the present. I hope I can make a living amends, I have sort of changed habits to move away from areas not wanting to run into people I have wronged even though I know I will sooner or later when my power gives me such.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Being humble and faithful
The truth is today, went to the olive garden, rested and slept well most of the day. I didn't use any sudafed today or use any cough stuff. The bug seems to have passed me. I met with my new sponsor at lambda. Went to the 8pm meeting sat with my sponsor. And my higher power had it someone that works at mhrma is going to pull some strings for me.
I am feeling better about myself and my soul. I find it odd I have tasks and chores I no longer enjoy, I don't enjoy preforming preventive maintenance on my truck but I do it. I have so many chores, I need to do but cant.
I ran into taxi bill last night when I went to purchase some light bulbs for my safety inspection, I might need a rear brake job soon and new tires also. I was honest and have capacity to be honest. I am terrors ed of large packs of black males and has panic males.
I want to transition and be in a supportive working ennvormine, and I kept my promise to my wonderful therapist at montrose counseling center, my sponsor is going with me to the elegablity center. I hurt badly but admit my faults in honesty. I had to brake a commitment last night with the HATCH kid I give a ride home sometimes, some drunk guy left a foul odor in my house.
I have to draw and paint a picture of a safe place for me., My safe place is my truck, a bar or my mini storage. I will never get over the bad things they did to me victor, henry, john, enrique, james, elamadean, carl. But I can let go and put what ever happens regarding their abuse to me at wal-mart #3296 and my old apartment on hayes road, outside the beltway near briar forest and wilcrest behind me.
I fear living, and living in reality due to the horrid, verbal, physical, emotional and sexual abuse they committed to me. I have committed to remain here and deal with my issues for the moment, and hope I can repair damage I have done. And ask for a handout and maybe get a gold card, and my future is uncertain. I get 4 months sober on Tuesday.
I also cooked a little recently, and I am very scared of reality but I will be ok and have someone I trust now, maybe I opened up, Maybe I was humbled out of resentment and can see forgiveness and be honest. Maybe Ill be loved, maybe even Ill make living amends or other amends with my current sponsor.
I miss things but also Like the future and one day at time. I think people still care otherwise Id be in prison, dead or based on nasty things and death threats I made to others I would have my ass locked up.
I hate being at home, Id like to be able to live life and not have to feel so crash pad and out of the suitcase again. I want to live, and love and have faith again. And its close again and that scares the shit out of me but also makes me happy the pain is going to end soon. I'm going to get better.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Thursday, November 8, 2007
life in sickness, and growth and myself
Got more rest, still sick off and on. The fever and cough have gone to just sinus. Still takeing meds, to try and get better. The cold is bad. Went to 6 meetings this week, 3 in one day. Achived a very good understanding of steps 4,5 etc. and soon but not quite adjusting to them. Still working hard.
Awoke early this morning at 5am was out the door early, the cold and sinus made me dizzy and went back to bed at 6:45 am and rested, the sinus is better, I was so dizzy I had trouble driving. I went to rest at home.
Received my new county tax sticker today, and applied it to the auto, some of my tailgate parts came in the mail yesterday, slept more today. Awoke, running errands, lost a lot of weight and still well looseing. I can feel my body getting lighter, I am looseing weight again. Ill be ideal down to 160 or so soon if this keeps up.
Got more rest, still sick off and on. The fever and cough have gone to just sinus. Still takeing meds, to try and get better. The cold is bad. Went to 6 meetings this week, 3 in one day. Achived a very good understanding of steps 4,5 etc. and soon but not quite adjusting to them. Still working hard.
Awoke early this morning at 5am was out the door early, the cold and sinus made me dizzy and went back to bed at 6:45 am and rested, the sinus is better, I was so dizzy I had trouble driving. I went to rest at home.
Received my new county tax sticker today, and applied it to the auto, some of my tailgate parts came in the mail yesterday, slept more today. Awoke, running errands, lost a lot of weight and still well looseing. I can feel my body getting lighter, I am looseing weight again. Ill be ideal down to 160 or so soon if this keeps up.
I ate eggs this morning. And took ok care of myself. I cleaend up need to run to the hardware store, more and grow more I have to pick up some bolts, and some things for my truck, this weekend I hope a Oil change is in order if I am feeling up to it.
The nightmares have stoped, discovered they were from some gel tabs, that made me feel tipys and drunk and became more careful slecting cold meds, it brings out the vampire in you or the beast of the devil.
I have some chores to run and do at home.
Yesterday, I discovered that why others had to wipe their hands of me. I had to do that to someone I did some service and sponsorship and help for. You cant let someone else drain you and drag you down. It was hard but it was in the best intrest for this indiduval who is as sick as I am in recovery at one time, it hurt but I had to do what I had to do for whats best for them and myself.
I had to cancel my affair this morning, and have an apointment tommorow and other things to do. I am sick off and on and growing more and more.
I have some chores to run and do at home.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
life in the lone star state with out the LONE STAR drink!
Feeling much better, kudos to the nice pharmacy tech at CVS that took very good care of me at a another cvs not the one by my house. I also discovered more about myself. The 8th and 9th step, went to three meetings today, got some things done, and have big plans tomorrow and don't have to re take my appointment. I am feeling much better.
I also discovered more about myself who I am and where I am going, and rebuilding my life. I went to three meetings and saw more fibular faces, remained calm, did some nice service work for someone who cared and did good deeds for others.
I feel good, cheerful and zen and am rebuilding myself, I have big plans, and if things go well might get settled more.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Life in the fast lane in SICK city
Ive been very sick as of late, I'm not sure whats wrong with me, or what My body and higher power is commutating with me. I have a flu like symptoms, and I might have a mild fever. And have a lot of cold, or sickness. I am going on bed rest. I dropped the platter off for the church in the morning, braving the galleria area on a sat morning, and west park is getting rougher.
The election turnout in harris county is a bomb, given whats at stake, we need more bonds for our drainage, and roads. The massive influx of Louisiana residents, has hurt the roads and infrastructure, as well as students (non full time) that do not follow the law and pay harris county tax, for breaking the law. We should model our tax system after California and even use the red light cam with OCR to enforce the rule breakers and scaffolds which also there are a lot in the Law obeying Latter Day Saint – Mormon church that does it.
We have a Lot of other issues at stake and things that need to be done and finished, there is a lot at stake in Harris county. And the state of Texas, I hope kinky runs again for office. I also went to a meeting last night, and one tonight, picked up a 2nd sponsor when I needed it. I'm going to try and stay home and rest tomorrow night.
Ordered one of the parts for my truck, I'm going to need to get two new back tires soon, and get the oil changed, the sideways filter is a bitch. And do some lubing and greasing of the chassis and wheel bearings and cv joints, I also need to clean the air filter and subfliter and cabin air filters.
I also browsed, and pondered and had some wonderful insights into my grateful ness and have someone whom is good for me. I am learning again about listening and growing and prospering into myself.
My soul hurts and I have cleaned up a lot, have to still make that appointment Monday or Tuesday I need to rest and Capricorns work hard at what they do, even I drive a Capricorn type auto.
I did some more reading today to expand my mind and grow more, and learned much more about myself. I also read more and more, and well will get rest on the sabbith.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Took my neighbor to get some food at jack in the box last night. Talked and bullshited and mingled more. I also discovered more about myself, life and who I am and want to be. I want my inner self, back I want to love and be loved again.
I want people to love the me inside, I feel like everyday is Halloween because I am not someone I am inside, I hurt want the lost strange little girl inside me back. I need more meetings, less co-dependency, and know I dislike the bar crowed before I started drinking, while I was drinking and more and more.
I discovered more and more about myself, and where I want to go and who and what I am, and where I am going in life. I know I have to break free, I know I love myself, some higher power.
I know science, and engineering and the curiosity of the world, electronics,. Gadgets enjoy me, I also like reading, art, poetry, and writing that was passed down to me from my mother, teaching, social work, and also adventure passed down from my uncle who is like my father the electronics, adventure, and 4x4 pickup trucks and power tools interest me.
I like myself, life Christ and well god, even though she and I have had our ins and outs. I also watched some fucked up movie more recently as well. Where the world goes to crap and people go nuts and kill and just do poor and bad things, some horror narcissism end of the world.
I also discovered more about myself, more life, love and well self-awareness and discovery as well. I know where I am who I am and where I want to go. I want the person again, I want to be sober and I want help, and maybe some can forgive past transgressions and actions. But possibly not. Blah.
I also found more about myself, and how to live not exist, picked up the party tray, tried to call the folks today to no avail, might talk to my dad.
Quotable for the day- If you cant bedazzle them with yourself, than don't bedazzle them with your bull shut and Fuck Em'
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Friday, November 2, 2007
life in space city
Worked on a poem for soberity, to read on poetry night around christmass, I have plans.
Composed more and more, about life. I also worked on more and more for myself. And discovered more about myself. I also have been takeing care of affairs, went to the post office, I have been sick, and Had a nightmare last night. Spent part of last night talking to my sponsor, and also talked to others.
I worked on other issues, and had a nightmare, it was odd, maybe the web server logs have creeped me out, and spening way to much time watching and reading about domestic spying as a jump in server actvity on my website and blog,a few from local law enforcement, and few out of washington dc. Which creeps me out. Had a very werird dream last night about dieing. Heared some cats mateing outside my bedroom window.
I also have to pay the county tax man, and make a payment on my po box, and get an inspection sticker, and change a few other things, and have much to do. I also read doctor bobs nightmare, and to employers and wives more recently out of the big book.
I talked to a friend recently, and have been pondering parts of my life. And remebering things and understood why I drank, to not remember my pain, and in turn cuased others pain, and because being so selfish now I am part of this cult as you will.
Went shopping have 5 lbs+ of yellow and red oions 3 lbs of garlic, 2 lbs of chili peppers, and oatmeal, oats and other tasks. I went back to veggy after my nighmare last night, I spent part of the night on a rooftop eating a little junk food, and having the wind blow my hair, and well learned a lot.
I have a sinus cold, and just want to be alone, blah.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Thursday, November 1, 2007
my life in space city
Talked to Nancy today, was unable to reach Jennifer last night, also commutated with someone else last night, whom I bitched out and admitted my fault at Hollywood last night, ate at dennys on my old side of town, and browsed the bullshit.
Sent off and did some more applications today, and went grocery shopping my fridge is well stocked with fresh produce this weekend I need to get some more oatmeal and whole grains, I am going back to eating healthy I have lots of fresh onions, garlic, and chili peppers, and other yummy veggies and some fresh fruits as well.
Had another person hit in me again last, night later. Ate at dennys some biscuits and gravy, and cup of coffee while I worked on some personal projects and my website and did some coding.
I discovered more about myself, recently I need a meeting soon, almost 4 months woot! Even my therapist says I am emo. Blah.
I talked to someone about the freezer, cleaned house and tossed some items more recently as well. And took care of business today, and cleaned up somewhat. I have more cleaning to do, and probably this weekend will spend the weeking being domestic at home, and doing laundry and bakeing cookies (the latter is a stereotype joke)
I also remembered someone I told off more recently and who I used to be what I was like then, what became drinking and that kind person I want back. I also want the capacity to be honest, my sponsor and also good friend has told me I helped her find her self and stay sober also.
I recently found more about myself, and work toward my goal that I want, My dad and I had some fizzle last night, and well I duno
I hope brandi watched one of my favorite movies, again I am greatful I am alive.
Tootles lee
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
why EDNA IS WRONG - keep it simple stupid
Why EDNA is wrong for a Trans-womans prospective.
A view on equity for all – Keep it simple stupid
By Lee McInnis Gaetjens
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
(713) 578-0016
www. Leemcg . Com
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
Edna Is wrong for the reasons of over buracraay, big government and big business. We have to many laws, red tape in the legal, social service system. For example ever try and cut though federal government red tape, or state or local. Or the dmv or DPS or county tax collectors office. Do You deal with the federal government on a daily basis or the legal system than you know why.
The fact is the legal system is just as bad quite simply it should be illegal to discriminated for any reason, keep it simple stupid. We have to many amblanace chaser legal teams, those who defraud the federal government and those who lie cheat and steal and minuilplate the legal, social and our system and way of life in the united states of america.
Now a lot of proggress, growth and the world is vastly different in modern conviances, gadgents, and social and economic and conviance from when our fine country was founded. And even from the beginning of time and humanity, the birth of life, chirst, or evlouation. But much has not progressed in the way of religion, views, and well modern fiath or enlightment and the way and path of religion.
People and humanity needs a spirtual view, which has lacked in the wonders of progess, from the stone age, to the bronse age, to the medevil times, to the industrial age, to the moren age and into the 21 centery.
We fear what we dont understand, when our belifs and views are wrong, and many people still feel gays, lesbains, bisexuals, transgenders. More accept gays and lesbians, transgender, transexual, intersexed, and gender queer, and agrongeus and male to females, female to males, drag queens, transvestites, crossdressers, drag kings, etc are the biggest and most deverse minoirpo in the glbt community and culutre as a whole, and often misudnerstood.
EDNA is wrong because, we need equity for all not just some, labels or sterotypes, we just need flat out equil rights as in a *Mtf) womens or (ftm) mans place, people fear that do to the sex trade, pron industy , people think we try to fool folks are or nuts or insace, or possesed of the devil.
Religion and faith has not progressed, religion is often used to deny, cover up or for polical, social or economial gain, edna is wrong because of lawyears, religious lobbistys, and groups such as the kkk, neo-nazio and white suprepasist or confedarted or domestic terrositm groups.
WE have to much law on the books, all ready, we need to lobby to repeal laws, the world is vastly different for example in the state of texas you are supposed to be hung for carrying wire cutters in your back pocket (cattle russlers)
We need to simplfiy law, stop frigilous lobbism and legasaltion and go to more simplistic, sim,ply it is illegal to discrimante to anyone for any reason in employment, education, housing, service, civic association, or personal or private debits.
Amblance chaseing dollar signs at car accidents, going after hollywoodf because the matrix made you kill, or going after fast food estblashments because of hot coffee being spilled in your lap. Going after a dry cleaers bfor 25 Million dollars because they ruined your 500 suit.
If you cant bedazzle them with your brillance, than bedazzle them with your bull-shit creative lies, deception and greed and revenge because you went to law school, fuck them all. The truth is we need less law, and big business and more open government not less, in simple terms keep it simple stupid.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Every day is halloween
Its just after 5pm on friday, I have discovered something my therpsit says I am EMO even after she didnt know what it means, 2 other people have told me that. So I accept I am, I am a ungreatful, selfish emo bitch.
Anyway I have admited defeat, I remebered more recently a wrong I commited, the da-javu I had another person hit on me today, and got invited to two more halloween partys, and I thought for my friend and loyal blog reader I would explain everyday is halloween, excpet today.
Its a joke about the titled song from ministry as follows:
(Everyday is) Halloween
well i live with snakes and lizards
and other things that go bump in the
night cos to me everyday is halloween
i have given up hiding and started to fight
i have started to fight well any time,
any place, anywhere that i go all the
people seem to stop and stare they say
'why are you dressed like it's halloween?
you look so absurd, you look so obscene'
o, why can't i live a life for me?
why should i take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me it's
the same, it's the same in the whole wide world
well i let their teeny minds think that they're
dealing with someone who is over the brink and
i dress this way just to keep them at bay
cos halloween is everyday it's everyday o,
why can't i live a life for me?
why should i take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me it's
the same, it's the same in the whole wide world
o, why can't i live a life for me? why should i
take the abuse that's served? why can't they see
they're just like me i'm not the one that's so
absurd why hide it?
why fight it? hurt feelings best to stop feeling
hurt from denials, reprisals it's the same it's the
same in the whole wide world
In other news I have been dreaming and admiting defeat, and hanging in there, the atty and others who need, documents and other things dont neeed them presently, I talked to brandi late last night, got hit by a old ford econoline rusty blue simular to what a old friend used to drive. And got knocked across the street, which I got hit by one when I was 17 prior also. During my frist time in trouble with the jefferson parish sheriffs office, and kept me legit, redneck, and doing my ways, and doing right by unhappy.
Sometimes I see my future unreachable, my wrongs, un fixable, and fear going to get help but told my therpsit I would go over to MHMRA elgalbilly center on monday, and will see her on thrusday. The more she pushs me the less I want to go, even though I need to follow the white rabbit and just do it already, The bitch switch and emo switch is off.
I am huritng because, I know I am wrong, but am afrid I will be locked up and have the key thrown away, and must do it outside the loony bin given I dont have health coverage and dont need homelessness or lossing my truck or what Little I have left. Anyway one day at a time, I might go to the engine room tonight or someplace, else but I am not certain.
I am so very depressed and I am not myself, today I am a bit happyer I talked to brandi into the wee hours of the morning on the phone, and rested I am sore from the accident last night took a hot shower and felt better. I am unhappy because I am someone I am not, but Have to work toward transition through soberity, one day at a time, and first things first.
A OLD POST GOOGLEING MYSELF
Gay - Kathryn Mcinnis Gay, On Tuesday 10-23-2001 . Mother Of Mcinnis Lee Gaetjens, Sister Of--
Daniel L. Gay And Martita L. Smith, Daughter Of Patricia Mcauliffe Gay And Of The Late James M. Gay.
She Was A Native And Lifetime Resident Of New Orleans. Arrangements For Cremation Handled By All Faiths
Funeral Home. Masses Appreciated.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
my bitch switch is off
Today I found out that GCE went nuts after well talkingt to me, and the little games, and well made some bad choices. And is in a deep shit hole, also I suspect given my latest post that domestic spying my harsh blog sometimes criiszing the us government and the iraq war, edna and other not bush shit causes. That I might have sparked intrest of domestic spying given my prior server log posts, and a few odd phone calls and converstations.
In other news, I started just pondering the atty never returned my two calls, I got some more spam from this person I do not wish to speak to basicly actist bull shit. That I dont have time with.
In other news, I got a lovely card, forgave the dickhead given the following rant, and the restraunt screwed up my order for lunch, I picked up a cheap takeout order today, but very filling.
I bitched out some fag today, behind the coffee bar at lamba. Understood how painful this matter I am dealing with which I choose not to share at the present given its a personal matter, finacial matter amd other issues which I do not wish to share with others. Contrary to popular belif, I dont share everything in my blog, sometimes I change names, remove names, or alter bits or use nicknames that only I know to protect peoples anonmity. But any photos I take or bits I use in my life, or is hear is open for blogging but I do anonmise at times.
Any way I feel badly, and Know how Bad I just need to get this over with, I go to other meetings, and mingle, and work over time to restore sanity to my life more. I AWOKE at 3am this morning got ready went running, and jogging to deal with the pain, though not very far or for very long. But is is necessary to keep sanity, was out the door before 6am and feel very or at least achived one day at the time.
Made a few phone calls, and took care of matters which Need to be done, and did some e-mails checked out the love machine when I was grumpy I should have known the pressure was building I might go to a candlelight meeting or a meeting someplace, new and bring order to my chos and disorder, Rice radio today is jamming great to old club, bar and dance songs great spooky 80s songs, and gothic, industiral, punk, synthpop, and expermental and electronic music. I also visted a chapel today and did some praying pondering and medation and just exisited. I compsed this in a park for inner peace and zen.
I also discovered more and more about myself and learned not to be so damanding, excentric and even though my narsisim is at a all time high, and high on myself. I dont want to mingle, maybe I like being a bitch, maybe I want something more or think I am better than everyone else, maybe I like to show off, maybe I just am so emo, and stuck up I think I desreve better or want what I had and want it now, not tommorow, or one day at time. Maybe instead of going back and being a bitch further to this person I am sorting it out and my admission of fault and making peace before I do it. I know I need to sort things out today, and let time. But I must promptly admit my wrong. And fault and defect. Maybe this is who I am, and I dont like it. But I am alive, I have a nice truck a roof over my head, and a few plant tours, and informal interviews upcoming and Im still working on the task at hand, tommorow will be rough given the insanity and drunks and partys around and about.
Maybe I am hurting because I feel like I failed someone even though I still care about this person, its not right. And I have to draw further bounderies, and cant get caught up in her shit. Maybe I have to respect boundries I dont want to., and maybe I bitched at john because I had something bad happen that I fucked up on right before I walked in the door, and was bitchy about and he bitched about a fucking diet coke, maybe even in restraunts and service, I need to be less ecentric and damanding and more collected and calm and less well judgemental in the force field wall and shield up of hurting or misunderstanding.
I made a big deal about a fucking diet coke for christ sake, and now I have to ponder on this. Blah. Thats being a bitch about nothing, bitch about the fucking pot holes, the crack heads that are around, the fucked up system here in harris county.
Thats what corin and I talked about red tape, buracray and the fucked up system for those who try to make it, bitch about the over-jellious blind guy, that suckers people, bitch about the wild fires in califromina, the high property taxs, the distrcution of historic buildings, the lack of edna, the shit we are in now as a country, the division and worngs and injustices we have found our self a country close to anarchy, povery and debit selling outsourceing and the privatiazaion of war, which even though as much as I want to be a part of, I am not but wish I was given the money invloved.
And I have more diffcultyu dramma and chos to deal with shortly when My call is returned, one day at a time little by little I progress into sanity, faith, progress and zen.
mlgaetjens2038: HI
: yo
mlgaetjens2038: hey
: kicking ass at research today
mlgaetjens2038: ah
mlgaetjens2038: i figured something was up
mlgaetjens2038: I dont want to push
mlgaetjens2038: Im struggleing lately
: so am i, crying daily due to stress/assignment/social demands
mlgaetjens2038: Im just lonely, tired of this, and trying to get things right. and hurting due to the hollidays
mlgaetjens2038: yeah me too, obviously i wasted a lot of money, my life may be all beauty but I dont eat sometimes for days or other things
mlgaetjens2038: blah
mlgaetjens2038: I understand
mlgaetjens2038: i think
mlgaetjens2038: and Im hurting because I remeber how wrong I was, but I cant have any contact because I would hurt others
: anyhow back to work
mlgaetjens2038: so Ive sort of droped into the shadows
mlgaetjens2038: even lilly gave up and others. Ill tell you what I probbley wont make it alive to next year
mlgaetjens2038: Id rather die than drink again, in brual honesty
mlgaetjens2038: tghough I have had a sort of productive week
mlgaetjens2038: anyway do you thing
mlgaetjens2038: later
marskitt3n: seriously, drinking sucks, especially when it costs $10-15 to get a drink worth tasting that won't make u sick the next morn
mlgaetjens2038: yeah
mlgaetjens2038: i used to drink draft beer, and vokia
mlgaetjens2038: and go to partys to get top shelf stuff
mlgaetjens2038: with open bars, ive even been baned form palces bacuase off my drinking or loud mouth, obviously I dont take crap from people anymore
mlgaetjens2038: i tell them off but stay within the law
: right, later
mlgaetjens2038: yeah
mlgaetjens2038: i know it does look will you do me a fovor
mlgaetjens2038: favor
mlgaetjens2038: i understand if you dont want to
: i'm totally fucked for anything until the dec 7
: g/f doesn't get time, neither will you unless its just me talking
mlgaetjens2038: will you discreatly hint to chris about maybe openin dilect long term to allowing me back - and I understand if you dont want to be in my shit
mlgaetjens2038: I have a lot going on also untill after dec . jan feb 2008
mlgaetjens2038: I go to meetings but less often, and I am rembering very detailed bad things I did, and nasty things I did to christan, lilly, and others after 3 months or so im allmost at 4 you remeber very deetailed
: i've not seen chris since the charity even in sept
mlgaetjens2038: I dindt deserve what was done to me, but honestly dont think Ill ever get justice, becuase of my wrap sheet, Ive quit going to events, socials, or any7 plotcal or candlelight and laid back from lamba more due to well remering people from out nad about, and keeping a lower profile which houston is a big city but like a small town.
mlgaetjens2038: Im in no hury
mlgaetjens2038: hurry I need time to work on my shit also
mlgaetjens2038: I was going to call chris boess afew times, but rembered something bad I did to someone else near her workplace
: you realize it would be alot quicker, more direct and saner just to e-mail right/
mlgaetjens2038: very vividlty when I was drinking and partying. and could not handle it, I was going to open dilect but not go on propety and try and well discuss. I get no responce. nothing except that my eamils are being fowarded to law enfrocment and to stop so I have
mlgaetjens2038: now from lilly and others
mlgaetjens2038: whats the fucking point
mlgaetjens2038: I dont have any community or understranding
: fuck it, try - a good life motto
mlgaetjens2038: anyway, I was wrong. and even chris in her own blog, wahsed her hands from me
mlgaetjens2038: Look the point is if I do kill myself, Im going to do it in a manner which i WILL get a lot of fame but I wont hurt anyone else it just will be notable
mlgaetjens2038: inor will i destory any property or harm others or scare or terrosie others
mlgaetjens2038: it will just be notable
: or how about you don't
mlgaetjens2038: Ive given up on finding work, and myself. I really dont want to. honestly
mlgaetjens2038: but if it comes to my life going further down, with debit, fiances, or being on the streets rather than ask someone who doesnt even comfirm my existince like I am garbage andf not a person or go back to jail or prison, and given my long record with HPD mostly petrty things, patriot act, disorderly contdut, and many repaors and complaints, they could fuck me up or set me up on the streets so yes death is a better answer than becomeing homeless garbage that hpd and metro likes to fuck with
mlgaetjens2038: I really dont want to though honestly
: right whatever, working
mlgaetjens2038: If it comes to it I hope I could run
mlgaetjens2038: will you at least explore than option when You are able
mlgaetjens2038: if you dont want to Im not going to terroise you or further cause harm
mlgaetjens2038: Im just asking
: no seriously big paper deal, i can talk but not at length remember? back to work
mlgaetjens2038: my life my seem fine and dandy and emo, but honestlty its not. and I do want to be honest just not publicly
mlgaetjens2038: yeah later bye ttyl
k
Basicly the bitch switch is OFF.
--Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
My recent photo shoots and updates
n
The neo
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
The neo
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
daily outlook and affirmations
I discovered more about myself, sponsors can fail. People change and grow, Rents due the next few days, I also have to pay the wireless bill. And other issues. I also discovered something else, about myself. I know more and more and live, and grow more and more.
I plan to this week face my fears, yesterday at the coffee shop I disovered a lot of wrong and pain I have and suffer in my soul. I discovered more and more and grow more. I may go to a group today, and finish and turn in a few more apps and call the atty. Thursday I have to go out to baytown and fire up my pickup truck. I have to pay the tax man of harris county also soon. December and get a new inspection as well. I also plan to get a oil change on thrursday if I have time if not most likely this weekend.
I washed and waxed my truck yesterday, went to the grocery store, went walking this morning, droped some mail off at the post office. And checked my po box as well. I also have grown used to the soothing sounds of the southwest freeway, and 288 as well and the building shaking I no longer notice. I have been dreaming more of other things. I hope others are doing well.
I had more of a reminder of my trucking opertunity days more recently. An article about the privatisation of war, with out a draft, the risks private security contratractors, private fuel truck drivers, privite supply depot drivers. And the growing privatitazation of the united states armed services. Its where I want to be, But I cant dwell on the past, and dreams shatterd by poor choice I did to myself.
First things, first. I cant get caught up in other peoples things, I must focus on myself. And getting through the cold holliday season and all the bars and party goers around me. I am greatful I have 3 months almost 4 months sober given its hard to make it. I hurt but pull through, and I will make it through to my 27th birthday sober. That is for certin. Or I would rather die than to take another drink.
In other news, I have also learned I have laundry today, some personal calls, and a group to go to this morning. I also discovered where I want to go in life more so. I know who I am and where I am going, just going along as the capricorn I am slow, and steady, but rugged and making it to the top even if stubborn. Even I drive a capricorn type auto. Is my mule for a mule.
In other news, I have been thinking, when I was at the store in alexzandra, LA and between Houston, TX and Harvey, LA I have been remebering sort of the paperwork and the new orleans poilce came and purchased a large quanity of on hand firearms and camping equipment, and ammo. But also placed a large order. And its possible some of the things I sold them could have been used to kill, or restore law to from the lawless. And bring order to cahos.
What made me think of it was,the fact I saw some law enfrocement doing good, and helping someone in crisis most are good fine folks, I encontered some hicks, and well just fucked with people, and people washed their hands, in helplessness. You cant help those who dont help them selves, and just bitch about it.
I have been thinking of and hopeing for a white christmass and hope I do not spend the hollidays alone, though I have no plans for thanksgiving or christmass. I envision this year as opossed to last cooking dinner alone and eating a large meal, possibly spending this christmass or thanksgiveing in a restruant alone.
Blah the urn for companionship. Ive accepted the reality I may allways be alone, and that I might be alone my whole life. And thats hard to accept but its also very realstic, given my escentric, and ultra high standards, selfishness, and high expectations and over demanding and unrealstic views, goals, and well way of life.
I also discovered more about life, life is great god,is good even if she and I do not speak very often. Even if faith and the goddess that I understand well is at odds with each other. I dont want to get sucked into any religion or faith or power, but to discover more and more of myself. Which I will continue to grow.
I also see a meeting in the future today, even though I am uncertin as to where. I occasi8only also visit primary porpouse, lamba, the highits club, post oak club and other places. And even occasionly go to meetings in montgormey and ft bend county and galviston on occasion or baytown.
Blah, I miss the open road and outdoors quite often. I miss being free of bondage and baggage. I miss having faith and self confidance, I hate being alone, that I do. I miss feeling like I belong or have love and faith. I want love again, I want to love myself. I hate going though the bullshit of life, Im being a narsssistic bitch at the present.
I talked a bit to anthoney charles recently, as well as wish roy allen palmor would call I lost your number, maybe Ill find it in my phone records sometime soon. I must be more opnomistic as of late, and postive and stop burshing people away. I want folks to understand the real me. And get to know me.
But truth be told, the discovery of myself is in order. I must grow, more and more. I dont have control over the past, others opnions of me, other peoples views, or misconceptions of me, or what others think of me. I have control over what I choose, to do, who I befriend, not drinking, being postive, cheerful and optomisic.
I cant control whats done is done, first things first, I do have more optomisim today, given the postive out look. I must let go and stop hanging around bad places. I do know I have and will discover more about myself if I have the capisity to be honest, loyal, and break free and admit to my faults, past transgressions and let go.
I do know and have been wondering if I am any better than those who mistreated me, and yes, I accept that I may nevr have just for my injustice, given I caused others injustice. But I am getting better, one day at a time, slow and steady, I make it. I progress, and live, learn and grow, and blossom and bloom as the flowers of spring.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
Monday, October 29, 2007
my life and feelings
I also observed someone today, that is along the lines of myself, people look at my life and wonder what is so bad about it. I know and others do not, I know I must admit defeat but I do not. I have an appointment to tour a few plants out near baytown. I am doing ok and growing, and have an appointment with a legal matter in baytown.
I have an appointment later today, and other things in mind. I also have plans this week, and hope things fall into place, the holidays are up coming bah. Ill be alone, I barely made it through Halloween I wonder how thanksgiving and Christmas will fare. Id rather be alone and sober or die trying. Its not that people don't find me intrusting some do, I just brush them away. I don't want to hurt anyone else. 
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
I have an appointment later today, and other things in mind. I also have plans this week, and hope things fall into place, the holidays are up coming bah. Ill be alone, I barely made it through Halloween I wonder how thanksgiving and Christmas will fare. Id rather be alone and sober or die trying. Its not that people don't find me intrusting some do, I just brush them away. I don't want to hurt anyone else.
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29 October 2007 @ 11:44 am
10/29/07
Today I am hurting, I hurt in spirt. I am like the matrix, I want out but dont want whats real, or not real anymore. Reality hurts. It really does, but I am a fighter. I cant deal with other peoples bullshit, just mine. I must not stick my nose where it is not wanted and continue into enlightenment.
I met someone more recently to whom I suspect is a bad influence, and I have seen around here and there. Blah the agony of a photographic memory, and being miss thing busy body and being honest and loyal.
--Today I am hurting, I hurt in spirt. I am like the matrix, I want out but dont want whats real, or not real anymore. Reality hurts. It really does, but I am a fighter. I cant deal with other peoples bullshit, just mine. I must not stick my nose where it is not wanted and continue into enlightenment.
I met someone more recently to whom I suspect is a bad influence, and I have seen around here and there. Blah the agony of a photographic memory, and being miss thing busy body and being honest and loyal.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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