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Monday, March 31, 2008

I know why I hurt so bad, I hurt because all of my life I have pretned to be someone I wasnt, I bought my happyness, I gave up in depression, and I resent what I threw away, so many folks and people are in jail, prison or hosptials or instutions due to drinking, and drugs or worse, and self-destrucive qactions they fuck around with someone until it gets the worst of them down and down they go, rice round like a record baby.

I spoke to a friend of Bill Wilsons whom convicned me, and my current person who is guideing me wants me to go to a meeting a day write down what I learned or sturck me, more recently for employers, I was ready to jump off the building just as such, I had enough and wanted help, I currently have the pleasure of being of service, of someone whom there is a attraction, but I learn to respect bounderies, and draw the line, I want her to get it, or reach out and get help. I hope she went to a meeting this moring today, I hope other things work out well, and good enough, My back hurts today, this moring was burr cold. I awoke at 2 am, was out the bed a 3 showered till 4 and got dressed and did my hygine and face. My back really hurts, I also am looking at housing and other factors more so.

I got sober enough and had my spirtual awakeing when I was in Houston when I paid my debit to society, of my drinking was a problem, but I thought I wasnt an drunk enough, the realy is the crackhead and junkie on skid row in san francisco, and I have one thing in common, I want insity and reciver and my life had not hit that far of a bottem (yet) and I have something they dont an awakeing, soberity and a program and life again.

I understood somewhat I could for my program no longer reside in houston, when school, and if the interview goes well tommroow, I might come home early or late ndue to working retail xmass is very busy. And drive back, I dont plan to stay or visit housotn and if I do, I am going to be there berifly to access my sotrage unit and get out, I hurt to bad and need to work with my current wonderful therpsit whom has been workjing with transgenders seince 1978 and is very nice, and has much expereance with this, whom I shared the pain and fucked up resentment I have toward christan williams, phyllis frye, and lilly roddy. I hurt day and day out for my past transgressions. But I must hide the pain and move on, san francisco rocks, its expeceive as fuck, but the politcla climite comparetd to southeren GLBT “affirming citys: is far and byound while comforting it scares the shit out of me bheing so open and not what I am used to.

The nightmares, have gone away for the most part, the dreams of being raped, abused, and pounched has been bad and byound and I reached my level of spirtuality, I also quit the prozac, per my docotrs request it had me fucked up, when I go to the ear docotr to see about my health issues, I might learn more and the doc thinks it might be a ear or sinus infection in the inneer ear, I ate some meat recently and had some salty popcorn, my blood pressure, and sugar and health is returning a bit more to n9ormal, or is anything nornmal anymore

I talked to the folks, did laundry this mroing, lunch is on the menu before my interview later this week, I am well rested and my back hurts. My health is improveing, and dinner is also on the adgenda as well it appers also. It also amazes me the amount of trans-women and trans-men who are in soc8ity ehre and the more accepting women and womens groups and resocures, my own transphobia is disowneing it-self. I also have witnessed some disgusting trans-women whom I resent, more recently I was commented on at a womens group, that I am so pretty and lady like in acting and expression and allways chee3rful, that I give away the steor type, about transexuals, and transgenres this comes from a professional that works with women and the GLBT community a s a whole, but back to the moral of the story, I saw one who bitches and complains and does drugs and drinks (sometimes) get up and pee like a man in the morning, Ive even had some women be unaware I am trans, or such.

Not that I am trying to fool anyone, I allways was a woman form the date I was born in Jan 1981, I was just born with a womans brain and male parts. I which I had more nlightment and udnerstanding, maybe taling about the pain and my own transphobia helps me as a soul. I am feeling better and looking forward to going and getting them tiger, with love Lee.

I plan to tank up on veggy soup today as well on my path to enlightment and self empowerment for my heart, mind body and soul. I reach truth, one day ata time I keep coming back I know it works.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Life daily affirmations, self discovery, zen and the art of soberity in the lone star state and my postive affiramtiod and further self-discovery

10/28/2007

I remember tonight some revelation. I crossed paths Saturday night with the girl I lost my virginity to whom is also transgender it was bad, I felt dirty and disgraced, but she had grace again. She appeared to be sober, good and doing well and had worked on her transition and blended in quite well.

I also at Taft street met a girl who was nice to me, but appeared to be using meth, and doped up and was using. I also crossed paths with a few other people to whom I had wronged. I made my choices and accept defeat, I conversed with someone That I need to be stone butch and stand my ground to achieve my goals, I accept I am in Houston till at least feb 2008 with traffic court, I have been thinking of going back into the work force, and altering my appearance slightly to achieve the goals but not cut my hair, but maybe alter wardrobe slightly.

I also discovered That I crossed paths with 3 other people whom were mtf or ftm in matter or sorts here in space city, one told me to admit defeat like I did with my drinking and go to mhmra. I talked to GM more recently, I feel badly for her and what is going on with her, but I must focus on myself. I have almost 4 months and I was a bitch to my sponsor this weekend and feel poorly.

I also am going to go to the center on Monday, and see Melanie morrison on wed oct 31^th everyday is Halloween. And this week make my amends as well. I am going to face someone but do things right and calmly soon before Christmas I have a goal and in the back of my twised little pea brained in mind. I somewhat enjoyed Rudyard's but bars, clubs are not my cup of tea so to speak.

I linked up with a few girls whom I went to high school, with. One we rode the bus she lives close to jersey village. And another is back home who remembered my name we had homeroom together. Both were very nice to me. And I left a message with the other girl. We had a mutual friend and later one of my arch enemies chad fontnot. She was in rotc, and I always was attracted to.

I've thought and dismissed of my health to work as someone I am not. I was sort of shocked to meet her more recently she seems to be nice, and I liked her cute nose. Though she has to work a bit more on the manners and voice. I remember our time together and it was awkward same as with gm and why I must not allow myself to become to close to people whom don't understand me.

Its bad to brush off, I helped some with the lighting at lamba for the Halloween show, and visited primary purpose. And Friday night went and viewed the stuck up cult in the infamous wal-mart church and the cult leader impersonal, cash cow Joel olstean and barbie doll bitch wife. And the stuck up folks that worship at that location. Just to ego and stuck up the same lakewood church that did not open its doors to Katrina evacs due to new carpet and that segregates based on gender, and the more traditional role and is not much better than the Mormon church or quanilly x with the waste and haste of folks money whom get suckered into such a group.

Not that I am not christen, or believe in jesus, or amen or the father in heaven but the evangelism, there is ungodly and people stuck up, Joel olsten will one day be outed much like other mega churches and jimmy swaggert for the fraud that is in greenway plaza.

In other news, I ate a bunch of junk food today, the desire to consume is bad but I am copeing. At home alone. Talked to Jennifer, and brand, as well as left messages for others.

I also worked on my website, have tasks on Monday, and a tour of the kroger plant on thrusday, therpey on wendsday. And church in the morning, I might go seek out the lakewood cult experance out of irony, but don't feel the spiritual in there just the greed of overprice Jesus halough for dummies, and idiots that by his wife nice clothes, the bmw, the learjet etc and Joel is tailored suits, and the hummer.

I'm not in the mood, I also saw a few other people, and clarity is setting in more, and have allowed my stubborn inner bitch to achieve Zen and seek defeat. I need to find a group to hang with that I like and stick with it though I have yet to find that.

People are wrong about ellciasea and taft street its a community of folks that evolve more and more while not the rainbow crowed still they grow around the folks there. I don't like most glbt activism or groups, even though I am part of it I just want to exist as my inner women and community groups like hacs, tats etc are well mannered as is christen and others, its about existing something you can only do for you, like the zoo and freak show.

I remembered more detailed a wrong I did someone I tailed and committed some property crime against out of revenge when I was drinking and partying and I am going to make amends when the time is right and admit the wrong when I have corrected my charter, physical and mental defects of my life.

I met someone tonight whom revered to the person I lost my virginity to as a he, or it or holy shit what the fuck, after I was going to do them a favor I left my house and place in huge and massive disgust and shame at the lack of awareness of us being women, not shims, trannys, trans-women but fucking women.

I also at taft street crossed paths with a girl whomI met on the street that hit on me and red me similar at a highit in my life before sinking into the slums of the shitholes. In the world. Who spoke about the manner and I remembered more of the pain I covered up.

I am grieving but know what I need to do, I know I need to find myself again sober. I remembered a lot about myself and I drank so hard to cover up, GM helped me tonight to see that I need not be so crucial of others that care and want to help but to face the inner bitch and accept I don't have control over others but have control over myself. Blah. Hogwash religion factors, and the hate and narcism grows once again.

Everything I remember thought I knew about the world, Houston and life was and is and continues to be wrong, and I have for the past 2.5 – 3 years suppressed it with drinking and more. I have to promptly admit defeat, and despair and go and shall seek help, and compassion and seek to further myself, life and grow and prosper more and more. Live and grow more to continue to progress into life and Zen as my trueself.

I remember why I started drinking in the first place, to suppress my feelings, reality and coming out. I have very morbid clarity at how wrong I was and the wrongs I committed to myself, others and the world. I was wrong and I admit defeat, stubbornly but nor the less I do.

I know I can not serve others now just myself, I need to be more graceful and prosperous in myself, and life. I have to continue to grow into Zen and myself. I know what I must do even though I haven't done it. I saw someone this weekend from my old end of town, west-chase, spring branch, town and country center. Someone and a few people I liked, old crushes and growth. I urn for Zen and continuing to prosper into myself.

I remember who I am and why I hurt, because I was wrong, afraid, homophobic, and most of all feared my true self. I admire the person during one of my rare occasions I lowered my standards is clean and sober and doing well and happy. How much I had well not remembered. And how long ago that was, my ingression and confessional.

I also care so much about myself, given I have to be right before I can right others rather than myself. Ill find plans or something to do, but I will remain sober. I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically a strong person, know my boundaries, and smart, and grateful for what I do have, life sobriety, my truck, and a roof over my head and renewed faith in living not existing.

I'm going to face the inner bitch, go where I nust, and get the god damn tax forms on my own this week. And have contact with folks I desire not to have contact with. Even though I already knew that what was missing, and go tour the plant and workplace where I desire to continue to progress and grow.

I today visited the Covenant church today and well it was sort of ok, I like ellicica as well as the Unitarian church and the metropolitan community church but have yet to find myself, or where I fit in or am loved and accepted maybe I don't want to be loved, I have trouble letting go of the hurt and pain inside.

I also saw the blind guy, whom looks like he is cleaning up, saw also the person whom da-ja-vu again. And remembered more about myself I think but don't know much anymore. I don't know where love or the love is anymore.

I also love myself and discover that capricorns. I also love myself and home and enjoy the cool Texas nights and wonderful glorious weather we are experanceing in south east corner and the gulf region of the lone star state. A meeting might be in spiritual order this week. I also discovered something else I made peace with someone I wronged and propmpy changed and are continuing to access my defects and work on my faults even though its not about me. I learned that in church, you have to have balance of power and work on my drama, narcism and bullshot. Something that sponsoring and helping someone out, to whom I still feel very attached to cant deal with her mis management of my life or mine. I must be selfish to reactive persona spirituality and Zen or inner peace as you will.

I've begun reading and singing again, and not sweating the small things and faults in life. It saddens me the shame I have brought to my name and dishonor, but I am grateful to be alive and discovering things I might normally not discover.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)