A open letter in Progress but Not Prefection!

4/16/08

The reality of being sober, Progress not perfection.

An e-mail to my geeky, gender queer sponsor.

“I am feeling better, I rested yesterday from 3 pm awoke at 7pm, and slept more, had an interview yesterday, and I also got more sleep, went to the our lady of safeway meeting tbhis morning, I feel better and less of a bitch as I have been lately, Ive been being quiet and listning more, I am sorry for exploeding recently at the country club, I rested good for my soberity and soul and feel better.

I awoke again at 2am and got up and showered at 4am, My back pain went away, and I got must needed sleep and r&r, I have been eating betterr and adherieing to my vegan belifes and following my religous beleiefs and have cut back on dariy, meat, starch, and coffee and tea, soda and junk foods.

I also am still working the 1st steap in paragrpah form.”

Yesterday Recap:

I am takeing better care of myself, and also Called my father to tell him I am sorry about calling his wife nasty names, sometimes I can be a cold hearted bitch, I also talked to a nice security guard downtown, and in conversation outed myself as a former drunk, who didnt drink in meetings and kept comeing back.

We were discussing the politics of San Francisco and Gavin Nustom, and the welfare and homeless issue in San Franccisco, given yeterday afernoon. And using MUNI for school commuters and the bad kids that need a good ass kicking.

Yetserday some rude kids pushed me a bit, and called me something, kids today are nastym, rude and have no manners the world has become a cesspool, and San Francsico whuile as librial as it is, Is an adults playground and not a good place to rase-childrent or have children unless you are very wealthy, live in the suburbs.

Regardless, we also talked more election politics, and I slept and had a good informal interveiw, I also ran into someone from the LDS church that I had not seen in a very long time afterwards.

This WEEK:

I have a counceling apointment and therpey apointment., and other things this week I am very busy. And tired and sleepy. I also burned out more and more and might go down to the university later this week. I also have understood the trip to Louisiana and Texas is NOT A GOOD IDEA, and think of phonix, and AZ or LAX as a place, I also found a auto storage place in South San Francsico not far from the airport (SFO) and The port and cargo plants, I also found places in other things.

God (of my understanding) Bless myself, texas, San Francisco, My Higher power and My own personal Jesus.

I have a wonderful day and life and faith restored.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/15/08

8:11 AM

The relaity of my chapter to my own gnosticism, and self-discovery for myself, life and enlightment for my-self will. I know more upon awakeing and grattuide. I chose my current life, and fear the unkown road ahead, but I am greatful to have physcial , mental and sober clarirty and enlightment for myself, and others around me alike, I also know more who I am as an Individual.

I am determated to make it in life and soberity. I have dec9idne per my wonderful therpisits request, I am not going to take my flight in aug, I am going to have my trcuk transported to Phonix, or possibly LA or Vegas for picking up my pick em truck. I also get to live my fantisty dream of driving down Castro Street blareing Brooks and & Dunn, wearing a cowgirl hat and boots, or maybe down near Valencia and 18^th down in the mission.

I hurt having cleairty and it is a bitch, I have this wonderful job interview this morning to look forward to In retail, at the district office for a large department store chain and the ablily long term to be able to travel to washington, oragen, texas, Arazona, and New Mexico on company business, and moight one day be able to visit the Houston Galleria and stay at the Westin inside the galleria, (I know this company takes good care of its employess)

I hope things work out, I have a few other leads at telemarketing firms, and collectrions agencys. I also payed off more debit, and Found a auto storage facility down in South San Francisco that has boats, classic cars, trucks, big jeeps, monster trucks, RV's etc.

Thats as a bonus is close to the caltrain, and Bart, and takes about an hour to pick up. And even more bencifal is its a national chain, and has a Insurance plan, which can also conevr my auto policy. \

I learned more I leanred more but being quiet and analiclyal, and learning from others. And myself. I dont know anything about the world or being sober, But I have the tools to keep sober, and maybe one day fine a joy in life again, and be happy and confidant without drinking. I hurt so good, but the pain brings recovery.

Thismoring I saw a few folks, it is also Tax, day and the IRS as up my ashe, A moive might be in order but it is cold. I am scared, scared out of my mind, I dont know who or what I am or what to do, except that I am alaive and alone. And scared, but I am sober, and have tools and other isnance people who want sanity and soberity that understand me.

I miss my father and hurt for what I said about him, last night I talked to a russian firend whom is nice, and I like, and hope things progress I dont think she drinks, but she has some insanity, I dont know why I allways end up falling for russian lesbains or they do for me, the accent is very sexy, I also fall for irish scottish lesbians. I havent dated much, she makes proigress not prefection just as I do, for myself.

All of us are insane in own own ways, others just learn to deal with it better and more postive and affirming than others, some of us falter to booze, and loose the proviage and become Aas, some of us die, got to prison, or commit sucicde, I choose life and recovery, 9 months and, 2 days, from my last drink at Catbirds in Houston, Texas. And at home, In the montrose.

I love life, and am greatful for being alive, and hope this opeertun ity pans out, It would be so cool, to get trained in the costmeticsa department, or work upsatris with other things.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Life in collage and san francisco

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The the reality of myself is that I love more of what I do, as this morning I bitched someone out that had no reason to be bitched gratitude is urgent and needed more often for myself, peace and enlightenment and for who and what I am. I also know more of what I need to do for me and my soul.

The other part is needing a meeting, and the things that were given to me made me a bit well odd and obscure, Dr. MF took good care of me yesterday, I got my shots, and my hrt scripts as well last night and took care of business as well and as usual.

I passed a physical exam, he also thinks the Prozac might be good to stop and is making me to manic and panic which I agree, I also think its making me insane, and It caused me to bitch someone out. I stayed with a friend last night, going to get regular housing, and maybe cook something, my air flight is there, I also have some collage commitments this week as well for things to do for myself and my life and future and enlightenment.

I dreamed a bit last night took a shower, groomed a bit this morning as well, I look nice I also have some tasks to finish this week, I have a plan to follow, and to stay out and away of slippery people places and things.

I dreamed a bit more of my life future and enlightenment and zen and inner peace of my inner child, of myself and who I really am and want to be and not who others force me. I faced a fear. I admit I am afraid of BART, muni and enclosed cars. I talked and vented my frustrations of others, hate, myself, and my sexual assault and abuse and resentment toward CW, LR and ZK amongst others.

My finances are beginning to get in order, I talked to sonny at lambda this morning, and updated him, and things are going through. I got hit on again this morning. I also it seems certain MUNI lines I git hit on, or bitched ad my drunks more.

I dream also more so of a life, and brighter future for myself, life and enlightenment. I also lost 25 lbs in 2 months and have been working out as well and I am getting in better shape as well and reaching my sober weight loss goals if I could get down to 150 or 135 or so again I would be so delighted, I also ate some yummy tahi food, San Francisco has some great tahi, Chinese and Japanese foods as well.

I also am going to meet with BS today and ride the bart back and pickup some items, mail, and do some shopping, and get a meeting today, I also learned more about myself, inner peace, life and what I know and want to know for myself and who I am as a individual. My Prozac further more has become a bit un-manageable and moody and a royal bitch I have become.

I have a crush or two, and many admires whom mostly I Delcine (male, still smoking pot, abusive, unattractive, etc) I also have a few of my own crushes as well. I also discover more about my life, and who I am and less over-judegemtnal life and stereotype, I have perceptional as a human and female, the truth is I am insecure with myself family, grandmother and want so badly to belong and please others and myself and life, I know who I am as a individual and myself

I also know who I am as a person and where, also I want to go as a person myself, and life for who I am, as myself I know more about myself and who I am as a person and where I want to go for myself, and where I want to go as myself and where and who, what and my utterly high standards even if I break a rule now and than or two, I also know that even being friendly with my gas guzzling truck, being outside the system and myself, I learn more about, life love and myself.

I think more of others, and even though I can be a self-centered, cut your throat, evil, mischievous, selfish, self centered bitch I also know more about my life, as a person, and who and what I want and need, and where I want to go for me and my enlightenment, program, school, work and life and where I am as a person and who I want to be

I know more for my life, future and fear of the unknown and enlightenment for others and myself

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The reality of life is not what you do, but what you don't do and who you are and true to yourself. The discovery of my own flaws, and defects and crimes against myself and humanity and having more compassion and allowing myself to higher standards not biblical but not thinking I am better than you or the next person, but desiring better and progress

The chapter to my own personal discovery and chapter to my gnostic and personal spirituality, individuality, overcoming my Trans-phobia, and allowing my inner child to grow without vokkia, beer, or wine or smokes is a desire in it self.

Meetings life to life, day to day, desire to progress, to change and positive optimism, and not draining like the vampire defect and personality I have but need to remove and change, the saying old habits die hard is true but the desire to change is change in self, mongering of your progress and achieving enlightenment zen, and life in it self beyond drinking, resentment, and relapse and insanity is a growth in it self.

Being progress but not refection and choosing the right, even when its hard, which I made, being a humble servant and the daughter of the goddess of my understanding, I proceed out of the deep dark tunnel that you know you have been down and where it leads, and choosing life, enlightenment, faith, chance and facing your fear.

I know I made the right choice, and what is done is done, and I am alive, and the weather is beautiful and progress is happening, I just must remain disciplined, faithful and choose life, and do the right thing, and remain focused and sober.

Laundry got done, took care of some other applications, post office is the plan on Tuesday, finance later, and church didn't happen maybe I need a meeting more and I must remain focused like the inner child, Capricorn border lining on Aquarius.

I will soon be able to fire up my pickup truck and let 298 HP ROAM WITH MY 4 WHEEL Drive tailgate into a garage I found a better deal and look often and not at plans when things come through which they are. I also have a new doctor to continue to prescribe my HRT and joined a outpatient treatment for folks who are sober, and thats good and catered toward my needs.

I found new more desirable housing in a womans shelter that is appealing, ran into a few friends, and some cute dyke's and soft studs hang out there. It hurts to see folks who gave up on hope, and life and fucked up trans genders. Oddly enough in a meeting yesterday we had to close the window due to pot mixed with crack blowing into a 12-step meeting and progress and enlightenment was archived slowly, only in San Francisco does that happen.

I also will get a meeting today, and found a closer borders to get my map of san Francisco, I also might go visit my friend again that lives out in piedmont but wont show up at MLS without calling. And have seen the Mormon temple in Oakland amongst other factors.

I compose this with hope, luck, and faith of a god, godless and my guardian angel of enlightenment, faith and a better life while in youth and progress, doing, not bitching, or suicide bull shit cry s for help, I live and have life, and feel alive, maybe I was uncertain, maybe it was the off levels of my hormones and other factors, but its happening, and I admit I am afraid, of relapse, death and being hurt or going back out at repeating prior transgressions, so I get my cute little vegan ass to a meeting every day, to practice progress, life, and the god of my understanding with other assholes, crackpots, fallen women, and drunks and those insane alike to keep coming back knowing it does work even if other don't.

And knowing my sponsor cares, and love me and I learned I have to put myself first, I have someone I like but she smokes, pot, bitches and has an abusive friend. And fell to the stupidity of san Francisco dark side, lucky for me I had a true friend whom I missed her call and hope she is Keeping up on my blog from the cab of her 2007 Freighter sleeper wherever her owner operate status keeps and and she doesn't jack-knife again.

I also love my family,f friends, friends of Bill W, people who cared, and acquaintance, those I need to make amends to, those who hurt me, and the power of forgiveness, faith and a better understanding of myself and the way the world really works both from San Francisco, to Oakland, To Berkeley, to New Orleans, to Harvey, Austin, Dallas, and the Lone Star Sate truck stops, the INTERNET, global and around the world and my loyal blog readers I wish others the best of luck and enlightenment.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

My life and day and night and neon and chome in space city

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Had a good cafe au leit today. Later during the week if the cold keeps up given I am more stuffed than the turkey I ate, and I am usually vegan. Though the irony of addiction and food and the holidays, we have ice and sleet on the road.

Talked to the folks today, cut my phone off. Did not charge it last night and now it is chagrining more, and I am in the loop of always being connected. If you called I did not get the message.

In other news, baby its cold. Outside, I might go later in the week. I cant seem to find my gloves or ski mask. I need to stay warm. That apartment is like a meat locker. Tired form dancing last night and working, I hustled the bar at the hotel and convention last night. And had a blast.

Called home today, fired up the pickup truck. I'm going to have to do something I do not want to. And will do it. I have to call the atty Monday, go to see MM on Monday, and do other tasks as well and have much to commit to. I have much to do. I have a task at hand. I also have to get the paper work turned in Tuesday and go where I do not want to go.

I have a few strings, and clarity. The bar downstairs thats wet I have drank at the hotel bar, at the double tree. And also hustled the tunnels and know some of the guards around town. I slept good but its cold, that old montrose apartment gets like a fucking meat locker.

Have to take my pick em' up truck to the shop soon to get fixed and maintenance take care of affairs before reentering the workforce and going back to progression, and archive inner zen. Had some struggles even though this gloomy wet weather I enjoy, Its not good when you are hurting inside but I love the cold, rain, ice, snow I love cool damp weather. It rocks. And that is why I drive a 4x4 pickup truck because I like the cold, and wet and adventure.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)