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Monday, March 31, 2008

I know why I hurt so bad, I hurt because all of my life I have pretned to be someone I wasnt, I bought my happyness, I gave up in depression, and I resent what I threw away, so many folks and people are in jail, prison or hosptials or instutions due to drinking, and drugs or worse, and self-destrucive qactions they fuck around with someone until it gets the worst of them down and down they go, rice round like a record baby.

I spoke to a friend of Bill Wilsons whom convicned me, and my current person who is guideing me wants me to go to a meeting a day write down what I learned or sturck me, more recently for employers, I was ready to jump off the building just as such, I had enough and wanted help, I currently have the pleasure of being of service, of someone whom there is a attraction, but I learn to respect bounderies, and draw the line, I want her to get it, or reach out and get help. I hope she went to a meeting this moring today, I hope other things work out well, and good enough, My back hurts today, this moring was burr cold. I awoke at 2 am, was out the bed a 3 showered till 4 and got dressed and did my hygine and face. My back really hurts, I also am looking at housing and other factors more so.

I got sober enough and had my spirtual awakeing when I was in Houston when I paid my debit to society, of my drinking was a problem, but I thought I wasnt an drunk enough, the realy is the crackhead and junkie on skid row in san francisco, and I have one thing in common, I want insity and reciver and my life had not hit that far of a bottem (yet) and I have something they dont an awakeing, soberity and a program and life again.

I understood somewhat I could for my program no longer reside in houston, when school, and if the interview goes well tommroow, I might come home early or late ndue to working retail xmass is very busy. And drive back, I dont plan to stay or visit housotn and if I do, I am going to be there berifly to access my sotrage unit and get out, I hurt to bad and need to work with my current wonderful therpsit whom has been workjing with transgenders seince 1978 and is very nice, and has much expereance with this, whom I shared the pain and fucked up resentment I have toward christan williams, phyllis frye, and lilly roddy. I hurt day and day out for my past transgressions. But I must hide the pain and move on, san francisco rocks, its expeceive as fuck, but the politcla climite comparetd to southeren GLBT “affirming citys: is far and byound while comforting it scares the shit out of me bheing so open and not what I am used to.

The nightmares, have gone away for the most part, the dreams of being raped, abused, and pounched has been bad and byound and I reached my level of spirtuality, I also quit the prozac, per my docotrs request it had me fucked up, when I go to the ear docotr to see about my health issues, I might learn more and the doc thinks it might be a ear or sinus infection in the inneer ear, I ate some meat recently and had some salty popcorn, my blood pressure, and sugar and health is returning a bit more to n9ormal, or is anything nornmal anymore

I talked to the folks, did laundry this mroing, lunch is on the menu before my interview later this week, I am well rested and my back hurts. My health is improveing, and dinner is also on the adgenda as well it appers also. It also amazes me the amount of trans-women and trans-men who are in soc8ity ehre and the more accepting women and womens groups and resocures, my own transphobia is disowneing it-self. I also have witnessed some disgusting trans-women whom I resent, more recently I was commented on at a womens group, that I am so pretty and lady like in acting and expression and allways chee3rful, that I give away the steor type, about transexuals, and transgenres this comes from a professional that works with women and the GLBT community a s a whole, but back to the moral of the story, I saw one who bitches and complains and does drugs and drinks (sometimes) get up and pee like a man in the morning, Ive even had some women be unaware I am trans, or such.

Not that I am trying to fool anyone, I allways was a woman form the date I was born in Jan 1981, I was just born with a womans brain and male parts. I which I had more nlightment and udnerstanding, maybe taling about the pain and my own transphobia helps me as a soul. I am feeling better and looking forward to going and getting them tiger, with love Lee.

I plan to tank up on veggy soup today as well on my path to enlightment and self empowerment for my heart, mind body and soul. I reach truth, one day ata time I keep coming back I know it works.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

life and fear of the unkown and step work and well honesty and faceing the fear factor in step 1 again

buch photo of me in the mirror

Here is a scene from the set of Milk starting sean penn about the White Night riots and start of the GLBT movment in San Francisco showing homophobia and transphobia in the late 1970s

02/10/08

I hurt k owning the wrong in my heart and soul, the pain I caused myself, others and life around me. Not in resentment, I have fear, fear of going back out, loneliness being selective at who I deal with as I only want positive relationships and affirming ones.

I hurt k owning I am only want taste away, from going back out, drinking, using and abusing myself. I know I only have and hurt so much, I am tried so, sick and tired of hurting day after day life after life, k owning it only takes a smell of the booze and cesspool to bring someone out to bring the evil back in me.

I hurt seeing all these folks that don't have what I have clarity, I hurt knowing I do but could loose it, I hurt knowing my family, friends and aqauinces don't get it. I hurt because of fear of the unknown. I also am amazed at the amount of drinking and drugs that goes on, San Francisco is a lot like New York but more lib rail, devrese and both right wing, and left wing and psychotic nut jobs.

Folks who gave up and submitted to the bottle as I did, folks who destroyed and lost all. I miss folks, family , friends. Not in resentment but I was wrong, I wrote a letter of honesty, for things I am not sure if I did or not, but had to let go and share even with this person I hurt dearly, it hurt me more to compose the letter, I hurts to bleed tears of pain at how wrong I was.

Another spiritual experience I will share, is I am afraid, overloaded and tired, I feel like I don't want to take advantage of others, myself, be hurt any more, and I want to quit hurting. The experience I share of, is well my own life I don't know why I hurt, I want to quit hurting, day and night. I want the dreams and flashbacks to stop, I had another nightmare, I don't remember it much,

I know in my heart I did the right thing, I experience these dreams of being hurt over and over, of seeing the destruction of rita and Katrina from Mississippi to Louisiana to Texas. I hurt remebring being abused, I hurt with my own stereotypes and hate inside burning sometimes from not having any justice, from beefing afraid to make a stand. I hurt and put that to my higher power, my abuser reminds me so much of me, I'm tried of siting in the same place night after night leaping life to la-la land. I'm tired of hurting, dreaming, and suffering in my heart mind soul and body.

I don't want the drama, suffering and pain and well destruction anymore, I feel focus and reality is distorted more and more whats real and whats not, will I have a future and life, I don't want to drink, but folks don't understand what its like. I cry myself often, in shame for things I did, and didn't do. I am suffering kinda, and just tried of the bullshit, and pain. I want the suffering to end.

I don't know why I suffer maybe its knowing I was wrong for what I did, I did what I did because I was afraid, I went crazy, I enjoyed the panic, chaos and disorder. Insanity became the norm, when I could not get it, I moved on. Into sobriety, I had a ex prance of well maybe the drinking will kill me, maybe 90% of folks drinking, or drugs where involved in the court system even if they did not want to admit defeat to submission to the problem.

I hurt knowing I am wrong for what I did and did alone, I know the end of the tunnel is in sight, I am so tired of hurting and being in pain, day in and day out at night. My pain partially is gone, I got what I wanted a fresh start, but on the other hand, I uh lost more.

There was one encounter or phobia to some degree, I still have some phobia of law enforcement, fire, ems. I don't know maybe its one encounter for help and meeting a trans phobic cop, a rarity in san Francisco. But never the less they do exist. I have pain. I just learned not to show my fear of the unknown and the few that are transphobic assholes, most are nice. And I have no reason to fear them.

I'm hurting I don't know why Iam afraid, of the road ahead, but I know if I hang tough Ill be ok

I went to a meeting I had not in the past few days, and I observed and am working a 1^st step, I am afraid to ask for help, I am afraid of hurting folks again, I am afraid of people and being social. I'm not as much as afraid of myself, but afraid of relapse, and becoming the nasty, mean, hateful, resentful, insane, bitch, person I once was. I am afraid of hurting others and repeating past transgressions, I am jelious of others because I am lonely or get numbers and meet people but don't follow up or make friendship or keep it, other than my present sponsor.

Heres a more butch photo of me in the mirror at a coffee shop

Ive cut back on my eating went out to dinner with a friend last night, ate to much :-(

Called my sponor this morning and got out my pity party and went to a good GLBT meeting maybe the alano club was a bit much

I also took some more photos and firends, cleaned out my hard drive and played some counterstike I might start playing counterstrike pro again.

I also have some documents and copys to mail tommorow amongst other tasks at hand.

I am going back to eating once a day and drinking tea and coffee more a bit.

The weather is vastly improveing desireable.

I updated some code on LEEMCG.COM and started to build a San Francisco On-Line Transgender community much as Christan has at Transhouston.com with some of the server extentions I installed long ago, have documents to mail to texas and Louisiana and to meet with the transgender lasison officer next week and a therpey apointment as well with my new wonderful therpsist who is also transgender iminage that and a little older than me but around the same age group.

Im getting old soon to be out of the 25-30 crowd :-(

Have a crush and dateing prospects, but Im not busy. and I have some resentments and even jeliousity but Im dealing with it in a better manner than past transgressions (no pun intended)

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Life and the prusuit of hapyness and zen in (SFO)

01/29/08

I took some photos this morning, I am looking ok. It hurts so bad, today at the food stamp, and ga office and being unable to reach the disibilliy advcay group today. Its burr cold, I appricate sweaters and mittens and gloves. I need to go shoe shopping soon for something new, I also spoke to the grandmother and uncle today.

The trust and realtes items, are hurting more and more and again keeping me from getting help and services. I also my grnadmother today, told me I chose this thats wrong, I came here for help, to start over someplace less transphobic, and somepalce safe where I can use the bathroom most of my speeding tickets in houston were from being unable to use the proper restroom.

I took some photos today, this morning at the womens shelter and also met some but not much transphobia when I go out for services, I have had other lesbian ggs hit on me, blah. Im hurting, my back hurts, maybe its the hrt why I am so utterly depressed and the remnats of the cold, flu / food posioning or whatever.

Im tired of hruiting and dont want to drink or use, Im sick of it, today in front of the food stamp office I saw a drug deal go down, and someone using. I wish folks could have what I have, met someone who has 6 months and is 3 days away from my 07/13/2007

I got a bit done its rough here, talked to my aunt a bit. Im all alone it feels sometimes good thing about the tg group and clinic tonight, maybe Ill feel better out the cold.

I went to the soup kichen today and had 3 bowls of soup, 2 plates of salad, and 4 oranages, and a few slices of sourdough.

Its better than the usual shit hole, the only thing is this kitchen is and service place is pretty transphiboic, on some of the eveents it says its restricted to “genetic” women or women born women.

The LDS phrofit died, the 13^th in the history of the church, I wonder if Tohmas S Monson will repalce such, I think some of the church leadership accepts us or is devied amongst its own transphobia just as with blacks with the preisthood.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)