Thursday, September 25, 2008

Had a semi productive day, defragged the servers HDD, and did some routine naissance on my system. Continued to grow as an individual met someone special this morning, as well. Attended High noon today, went out a bit, have some employment things to do for clair.
Also might have a very very good lead on a place in the east bay which makes me very happy given its Berkeley as well. Or south Berkeley near the pacific center which is a double woot,
Furthermore, and sadly My grandmother was taken off the venletor today, and slowly quit breathing, as her body shut down. I miss her, dearly, but know shes looking after me above.
Furthermore, I wonder if she was in an in-between state. As I was on January 26, 2007 when I had a spiritual experience. Moreover, made changes in my life, and self-reformed my life.
I also could have ousted someone today, but didn’t. I also am going to attempt to converse with an individual whom I think should stand up for herself in more of a degree, but learned enjoying the séance is more progressive to Trans-Phobia sometimes, not every battle should be won.
Nor, is every battle worth fighting for, even if its hate.
I as of late struggle to get and let go of my inner terror, and demons and trauma. I also wonder if I will ever have a live and be secure again, I have a plan for some spirituality in my self today, perhaps I could be productive for myself.
Ive been locking individuals out, and being alone, and that’s just not cool. But I can’t have fun or enjoyment, I feel empty, lost and meaningless.


Gratitude List
1.)I am grateful for to be able to work on coping with pain and loss of my grandmother
2.) I am grateful to be sober
3.) I am grateful for clothing, shelter, and food
4.) I am grateful to have made amends with my grandmother before she died
5.) I am grateful to have reached out back to Houston or attempted to.
6.) I am grateful to have family, friends in San Francisco, Houston, Dallas, Austin, New Orleans, Berkeley, and Oakland whom care about me.
7.)I am grateful to attempt to overcome past trauma, and transgressions

Accountbality
1.) Mail
2.) Applications
3.) Meetings
4.) Greif
5.) Spiritualiy
6.) Application and security for inner self
7.) Job hunting, and follow-ups
8.) Morning
9.)
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Kick Start my Faith and own personal jesus, and grattuide of life of 27 years young

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Slept good last night had a very hot shower this morning went to bed around 5pm, woke up at 3am, very recharged and refreshed today. Went walking this morning, burned some fat, going to take care of something difficult in the next few days.
Glad to still be sober, Ill post more about my experience it further involves the San Francisco Police commission, perhaps Ill even get to meet infamous Teresa sparks( again I met her a few years ago before she was president of the commission at pride), whom I admire and have followed her carrier for a long time.

Yet part of me is missing, I find it difficult for gratitude. I find it difficult to readjust to a normal civilian life, but its easier. I don’t want the drama of my past.

Just thinking of some of the famous individuals, I have met and shook hands with I’ve lived a respectable life so far the past 3-4 years of my life have been fast paced, with its ups and downs, drama, fear, horror, good choices and bad mistakes and poor judgment.

Interesting observations & current projects
Sometimes when Out and about, people out me as a transsexual woman, or a shim. Or whatever. Ill be posting my Bay Area shit list of trans-phobia individuals, businesses and other groups, or public service wall of shame. That’s sure to be some pride and un-censorship the database I am working on for my personal project. And its bound to piss a few people off, which doesn’t bother me, fuck yeah bring it on.

In the other factor I

1.) Bill white Mayor of Houston and former Entergy secretary under Bill Clinton
2.) Mayor Ray Nagin Mayor Of New Orleans
3.) Phyllis Frye famous transsexual atty. And lobbyist.
4.) Monica Lewinsky who gave bill Clinton one of the most famous blow jobs, I met her at a book signing
5.) Ray Hill famous for his bust of the dog food scandal, and the supreme court ruling (Houston v. Hill) which abolished “interfering with police procedure” which was often used to harass media, protesters, etc.
6.) Sgt Julia Oliver HPD who works in 911 emergency operations center in Houston emergency management Famous Transsexual Police Sgt
7.) Teresa Sparks President of the San Francisco Police commission famous transsexual police officer that does internal affairs
8.) President Bush (both of them) during storm recovery work
9.) Elder former president bush during Katrina recovery
10.) Former President Clinton doing during Katrina recovery
11.) Senator Clinton before she ran for president I met her during recovery operations
12.) Chelas Clinton in San Francisco once doing service work, I shook her hand
13.) Massena Davis director of the San Francisco Transgender Law center
14.) Lawrence as in (Lawrence-v-Texas) whom outlawed anti-some laws and gay sex or danced in Harris County Texas by the Untied States Supreme Court when George W Bush was running for office.
15.) Gavin Newsom Mayor of San Francisco 2 years ago I shook his hand in city hall when visiting San Francisco as a tourist
16.) Tom Delay former crook and mixed up in the Enron scandal in the court House in Houston
17.) Ken Lay former coo of Enron in the courthouse in Houston
18.) Andria Yates once in the Jail when I worked as a vendor & contractor inside
19.) Clarian Harris Once when In the Harris County Jail when I worked as a contractor and vendor inside
20.) Various seniors, and elected officials council members and others in the Texas political scene when I used to go to democratic and republican fundraisers when I drank, I can’t think of them all, in better times, and also heavy drinking and when I used to make border runs foolishly as a coyote, and a firearms smuggler and even sometimes worked for elected officials in dirty political deeds ( I sometimes solved problems, or ruined a few people) views which I retain anonminity about my shady contacts. I got out that line of work and retired.


Yet despite not being anyone noteworthy, but likening money, power, influence and drama, and meeting people and being kind with my southern hospitality. I am still unhappy, I feel part of me in not there or I don’t have what I want out of life, I make it, and I will survive but I feel I am in need of better, and want more and won’t give up hope, pride, power and determination.

I find I don’t want to drama, adrenaline rush even though nothing is more sexually erotic than high speed, drama, running and having fear I prefer not to have it, I choose not to.



The list for today
1.) San Francisco Police Commission
2.) Mail check and send documents to Houston & New Orleans & San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley
3.) Make doctor’s Appointment
4.) Write Letter and apply for jobs
5.) Rest, eat well lots of water, meditation and AA meeting




Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I have a plan in life
2.) Grateful that I know what I want out of life
3.) Grateful to be twenty-seven years young
4.) Grateful to be sober
5.) Grateful to have been able to be out and started my path young


--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Life on the run in San Francisco and beyond on the go

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Feeling better today, slept good last night, was very hot. Nevertheless, made out ok. Felt a bit icky but ok this morning, ran into TLM as well. I also am a little less of a bitch as of late.

Feeling good. Spiritually I felt bad, but I feel a bit better now, or somewhat better than I did earlier. My back is bent back more into proper posture as well. My shoulders feel a bit less sore. I also walked this morning and caught MUNI as well.

Life is rough, but I’m ok, though a bit tattered around the edges sometimes. However, I do ok for myself, and as an individual. Never did I think in Jan 2007 my experiences between then and July 2007 when I quit drinking. Would my life change, My life is starting to improve.

I also never through I would overcome my resentment toward christen as I did. I mostly resent myself, and my insanity and stupidity.

As far as finances right now things are bad, but could be a fuck of a lot better, my current projections to be on target for what I need to do, is moving on, and I’ll have to change some things, regardless I feel like anyway it could be for the better.

I have someone I massively dislike that doesn’t respect me and double crosses me that I have a few business relatshionships with that are a bit uneasy and disgust me. I continue to grow and prosper as well. I also know more about myself and whom I am as a n individual what I will stand for and alas what I will not as well.

I grow more and more daility spiritually. I also have been doing and working my 4th step more and more, like in the midnight hour she wants, and desires and continues to prosper


I also observed my and continue to work on my domnateing, negative, narcissitic personality and defects as an individual.









Gratitude List

1.) Grateful for being able to manage my faith
2.) Grateful for being loved by others
3.) Grateful for the weather
4.) Grateful for having faith
5.) Grateful for being ok

1.) To drop off items to MS
2.) Print documents / banking/ finance
3.) Finish project in excel / money / quickbooks
4.) Finish resting prep work
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

My change in name and gender went relative well, I also made some monetary amends and called a few folks to make amends and deal with other issues for the matters, I on Sunday celebrated q year sober.

My HRT and meds came back very positive and affirming, my hormones are a bit back into adjustment, I have a Dr. Appointment in the east bay in the next week.

I have the SS-5 form for the social security office, I need to go to my bank, finance company, DMV, alameda county recorder’s office. And much much more in the next few weeks, but not go so much to turn burnout and insanity, I also have a DL328 as well for my gender marker for my drivers licenses, and also have a driver’s test.

I found a new insurance company and need to seek replacement documents for some insurance matters in importing my truck into California. The Texas truck moves on trucking out of the lone star state.

I confided in my doctor and will do so to my therapist in a few matters, which I had not disclosed out of fear of rejection but honestly is the key to the pursuit of happiness. I admit defeat and am willing to be honest, just more selective and secretive and evasive in who, what and where I suggest.

I also for a few other matters am torn between some good auto Insurance quotes I have gotten for my 4x4 Tailgate. These matters take time and as a late Capricorn borderlineing or aquarious. I am progressing but being careful not to burn out again, and maintain discipline

I am over my romantic loss, and hurt. Never say never again, and discursion. Is necessary per say. I have individuals make passes at me on occasion but reject in the favor of faith, and future enlighten. I have therapy tomorrow and a few other things today


Gratitude list

1.) Grateful for being able to admit being helpless in My drinking, OCD and getting on the crazy train without the help of fellowship, hard work, and determination
2.) Grateful for life, and court and starting a new one
3.) Grateful for understanding that I need to change myself, and make myself more of an asset rather than a liability.



Today thins to do

1.) Post Office
2.) Drop Documents off at storage
3.) Go walking/ rest and relax
4.) Drink lots of water
5.) Work on papers for clients
6.) Mail Letters and documents
7.) Print Forms at Library for conference in Los Angeles
8.) Print Documents for my pickup truck regarding Texas, Louisiana and California DMV, country tax office, and DPS
9.) Print Drivers diocese documents
10.) Print forms for Finance company, bank and other options with name change and fill out and mail proof of documentation
11.) Send finical amends to creditors and debtors.



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Friday, July 11, 2008


The reality of myself and further enlightenment and eye-opening experiences for myself. This morning was glorious and peaceful for myself.
I met with my wonderful sponsor yesterday, I am planning on a meeting later today, I made arrangements for tonight, and plan to go to the support group in the east bay. I also need to make other arrangements and I push myself hard for what is Necessary for myself.
I also am working on my essay on Trans-Phobia and Discrimnation and hate in San Francisco and beyond. A look at decimation and people’s fears of the unknown.
I also as of late am afraid, this Sunday I have 1 year sober, and what a year it has been, I met with my sponsor yesterday. I also this week went to the electro cist in the East Bay, and had more work done, my face is breaking out, in the next few weeks I will go back for more, work.
Furthermore, I am lucky to have started young, in my transition; I also am going to get back to walking more, and eating healthier more in moderation for soul and myself.
I hurt and told my sponsor my pain of what I did to individuals in the GLBTQ community in Houston, Texas ; New Orleans, LA and other places of shame.

I hurt for myself, I hurt knowing what I did and hurt bleeding in my heart, I have some trouble letting, go this week I have been lynched a few times, sometimes just doing basic things such as grooming and bothering.

Ill shares some of my expirees at 6 months in San Francisco.
1.) In January 2008 was mugged with a knife in the filmore district, and told I can be mugged or assaulted and abused my San Francisco Police when I called for service, I was handcuffed and searched, and told they had 4 units looking for the suspect. I was integrated about drug use, protection, and warrants. (which I had none)
2.) April 2008I was mugged on the MUNI Metro and told I was problem prostituting myself on the train, and no report and the law was not enforced again
3.) May 2008 I have been lynched in a communal shower by other women with Hateful GLBT slurs, had a photo taken of me with a camria phone
4.) May 2008 - I have been verbally abused and harassed by other women when sleeping
5.) June 2008- I have had a 22-caliber handgun pulled on me, out of hate and intimidation.
6.) June 2008- I was punched in the face (In clear view of a police officer) On The MUNI / Bart Station for no appernt reason and called slurs and laughed at when I was ok.
7.) I have had a Transit cop refer to me using trans-phobic and hate speech when requesting proof of payment, refuse to take a report for the mentioned
8.) I was groped while wating for food, and laughed at
9.)



Those are just small examples of whets gone on but I stay sober, it’s not easy but not every fight is worth fighting and winning for, it’s not what it’s about, I miss Texas and Houston dearly, I don’t like what occurs the drinking and drug use that is tolerated in the city of San Francisco, it’s wrong.


I looked at a few places in Oakland, and Berkeley. I however need time to finish things out in the city and work on some of my PTSD and depression issues.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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5/4/08

The reality of Life, is not life it self, I found another sponsor, I want the insanity to end, I want recovery, the answer is to recovery is I dont, know. I just know what I dont want, I dont have the answers, but I find them more and more one day at a time, the fear of relpase, is not an option.

I have a somewhat busy upcoming week, I have school matters to deal with and tend to, I have some sinus problems, I feel a bit more recovered, I also need some time to work out my issues, My hair is fixed, and the currls are back again

I picked up some hygine things yesterday at my trip to the walgreens, I also have a meeting on the adgenda this morning, I ate some yougert, and am going on a new diet within reason, as well. I also am going to do more walking again, clearing my throughts in recovery.

I need to back down and stay away, I dont want more resentments and hurt, I also admited I was wrong in what I said to another TG person recently about her, and her drug uses, But I admited over reaction to an addict, I offered a meeting book, she refused, but I made pace, and made ammends, one day at time.

I know CAN be a cold blooded, selfish bitch, and very nasty, mean and minupipulative but at least, I find faut in my defects, I met someone, and I also have a new sponsor, that I feel comfortable with.,

I have some medical things, and therpey apointments this week as well and much more to do, Ive just be so very busy, I am going to turn in early tonight, and get a good workout.

Maybe read and also work on some PHP before going to bed, for the night. I also might work on my INTRANET, on my other server a bit, where I keep my life in order, and have a lot of personal information stored offsite.

I also have other things to work on, I am a bit sick and dizzy, I also figured out where the largest ANTI equity progressive church is located in San Francisco.

I also got a few respnoces from various ads I am running currently, I also composed a few other factors, and letters more recently as well

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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one day at time to zen!

4/17/08

The reality of my interpersonal growth, last night had someone around me who is obviously not working her program and falls into the GLBT spectrim, and got 2^nd stoned not by choice, and to most discomfort, had a very productive meeting and got back on my program.

NM is very co-depedant, it bitchy and shut me out and well I feel used, me remebering progress not prefection, I am powerless over other people places and things, despite the fact myself in my heart Like money, power and control and have a domnatirix, overburdending, nosey not minding my own business personallity, and am very good at being a busy body and minupulating things to my advantage or disadvantage.

The relity further more, of my interpesonal growth, enlightment and further dfevelopment of my powerless and defeat and admiting fault, and moving on into postive affirming growth and enlightment is true but also well freaky and a bit odd and obscure.

Today I recived some drivers licneseing things, and reports. I also checked out other factors, I uploaded more photos to my photobucket, Have a student Id to pick up soon, I also talked to My wonderful therpesit about things life, my transgender issues, my trnstion, anger, resentment, familty, childhood and plans for life and what and mastakes and pitfalls I made.

The reality of my personal grwothand enlightment further more explains the growth of my soul, peace and love and fist. I know more about my life, and who I am as an individual and recive peace, all of my life I have lied, cheated used and abused and minuiplutaed others, I dont know or understand real relatshionships my living in San Francisco has grown more, and even had flashbacks to my ealry minuipulation at 3 or 5 years old. Some of it I shall discuss furhter next week in theprey with my wonderful therpsit at the same bat time, same bat place, same bat channel and some regualrity, but being a predictiable creature of habbit, I have found some un-pridtcabllity but more postive, I must remain calm, focued and disiplained for my future greatfuly depends on such matters and the future of myself.

I know what I should have known than before and now, I know more about my soul, peace and love, I know who I am as a woman, and futher more an indpendant one at that. I know I am making the correct and proper choices for my future of today and tommorow, and continueing to enlightment and zen, I am right.

The also enlightment of my soul, and personal jesus, for my peace, I discover more about myself, and enlightment. I contunie to grow, and blosssom of the furits of life and being born again int the rooms and fellowship, the fights, the good times and the bad times, and progress not prefection of the rooms of AA.

I know but being quiet and listing and observing more, I make progress I know what is right and wrong, what I am and who I want to be, only time will, tell one day. I move forward.

I know I have to be quiet, listen and progress into change, and control my domnatrix personality, and my vampire personality and progress into enlightment for the soul and elightment for my peace, and keep my self-destrive, abusive to myself and others and desttive roller coaster life under wraps to keep progress not prefection.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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A open letter in Progress but Not Prefection!

4/16/08

The reality of being sober, Progress not perfection.

An e-mail to my geeky, gender queer sponsor.

“I am feeling better, I rested yesterday from 3 pm awoke at 7pm, and slept more, had an interview yesterday, and I also got more sleep, went to the our lady of safeway meeting tbhis morning, I feel better and less of a bitch as I have been lately, Ive been being quiet and listning more, I am sorry for exploeding recently at the country club, I rested good for my soberity and soul and feel better.

I awoke again at 2am and got up and showered at 4am, My back pain went away, and I got must needed sleep and r&r, I have been eating betterr and adherieing to my vegan belifes and following my religous beleiefs and have cut back on dariy, meat, starch, and coffee and tea, soda and junk foods.

I also am still working the 1st steap in paragrpah form.”

Yesterday Recap:

I am takeing better care of myself, and also Called my father to tell him I am sorry about calling his wife nasty names, sometimes I can be a cold hearted bitch, I also talked to a nice security guard downtown, and in conversation outed myself as a former drunk, who didnt drink in meetings and kept comeing back.

We were discussing the politics of San Francisco and Gavin Nustom, and the welfare and homeless issue in San Franccisco, given yeterday afernoon. And using MUNI for school commuters and the bad kids that need a good ass kicking.

Yetserday some rude kids pushed me a bit, and called me something, kids today are nastym, rude and have no manners the world has become a cesspool, and San Francsico whuile as librial as it is, Is an adults playground and not a good place to rase-childrent or have children unless you are very wealthy, live in the suburbs.

Regardless, we also talked more election politics, and I slept and had a good informal interveiw, I also ran into someone from the LDS church that I had not seen in a very long time afterwards.

This WEEK:

I have a counceling apointment and therpey apointment., and other things this week I am very busy. And tired and sleepy. I also burned out more and more and might go down to the university later this week. I also have understood the trip to Louisiana and Texas is NOT A GOOD IDEA, and think of phonix, and AZ or LAX as a place, I also found a auto storage place in South San Francsico not far from the airport (SFO) and The port and cargo plants, I also found places in other things.

God (of my understanding) Bless myself, texas, San Francisco, My Higher power and My own personal Jesus.

I have a wonderful day and life and faith restored.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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4/15/08

8:11 AM

The relaity of my chapter to my own gnosticism, and self-discovery for myself, life and enlightment for my-self will. I know more upon awakeing and grattuide. I chose my current life, and fear the unkown road ahead, but I am greatful to have physcial , mental and sober clarirty and enlightment for myself, and others around me alike, I also know more who I am as an Individual.

I am determated to make it in life and soberity. I have dec9idne per my wonderful therpisits request, I am not going to take my flight in aug, I am going to have my trcuk transported to Phonix, or possibly LA or Vegas for picking up my pick em truck. I also get to live my fantisty dream of driving down Castro Street blareing Brooks and & Dunn, wearing a cowgirl hat and boots, or maybe down near Valencia and 18^th down in the mission.

I hurt having cleairty and it is a bitch, I have this wonderful job interview this morning to look forward to In retail, at the district office for a large department store chain and the ablily long term to be able to travel to washington, oragen, texas, Arazona, and New Mexico on company business, and moight one day be able to visit the Houston Galleria and stay at the Westin inside the galleria, (I know this company takes good care of its employess)

I hope things work out, I have a few other leads at telemarketing firms, and collectrions agencys. I also payed off more debit, and Found a auto storage facility down in South San Francisco that has boats, classic cars, trucks, big jeeps, monster trucks, RV's etc.

Thats as a bonus is close to the caltrain, and Bart, and takes about an hour to pick up. And even more bencifal is its a national chain, and has a Insurance plan, which can also conevr my auto policy. \

I learned more I leanred more but being quiet and analiclyal, and learning from others. And myself. I dont know anything about the world or being sober, But I have the tools to keep sober, and maybe one day fine a joy in life again, and be happy and confidant without drinking. I hurt so good, but the pain brings recovery.

Thismoring I saw a few folks, it is also Tax, day and the IRS as up my ashe, A moive might be in order but it is cold. I am scared, scared out of my mind, I dont know who or what I am or what to do, except that I am alaive and alone. And scared, but I am sober, and have tools and other isnance people who want sanity and soberity that understand me.

I miss my father and hurt for what I said about him, last night I talked to a russian firend whom is nice, and I like, and hope things progress I dont think she drinks, but she has some insanity, I dont know why I allways end up falling for russian lesbains or they do for me, the accent is very sexy, I also fall for irish scottish lesbians. I havent dated much, she makes proigress not prefection just as I do, for myself.

All of us are insane in own own ways, others just learn to deal with it better and more postive and affirming than others, some of us falter to booze, and loose the proviage and become Aas, some of us die, got to prison, or commit sucicde, I choose life and recovery, 9 months and, 2 days, from my last drink at Catbirds in Houston, Texas. And at home, In the montrose.

I love life, and am greatful for being alive, and hope this opeertun ity pans out, It would be so cool, to get trained in the costmeticsa department, or work upsatris with other things.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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04/09/08

MUNI was slow today, due to the rail slow-down, today I had lots of VEGAN black bean soup and salad and VEGAN pepper-corn bread. I also had a smoothie as well. I went to a meeting and fellowshipped with other insanity to keep us sane and grateful.

I composed some info on my site, turned in a release form to the womens clinic. I also composed a few other options, coded and backed up some of my site, I took care of some banking and finance issues, and composed more info. I have to pick up my student ID in a few weeks as well.

I coded more of my site, and started with my forums a bit. I composed more and more, today, and did some walking, I made a stop at COSTCO as well, and have a few stops tonight, after my meeting and other factors as well. I also looked at a few places, and made further preparations for my trip, drive and other issues.

I also have to mail some forms to the IRS, DPS AND A few other issues, meet with my legal counsel regarding some dark chapters in Texas, and resentments, get forms for TSA officials and my flight, and a few other issues. After My student ID and the loans and application process I should have a large quantity of my stress relived.

Some of my gratitude got the best of me, I reacted in-appropriately more recently, to a action of a non sober person on market street, and I did some thing naughty only between my higher power and I shall tell. I composed a few other misc, letters and sent a few cards out, cleaned out junk, and wrote more code.

I also reloaded my MP3 player, made arrangements to close some dark finical chapters as well, and move forward, I admit I am afraid but I don't have to be.

tell. I composed a few other misc, letters and sent a few cards out, cleaned out junk, and wrote more code.

I also reloaded my MP3 player, made arrangements to close some dark finical chapters as well, and move forward, I admit I am afraid but I don't have to be.

I ALSO ran into some missionary today, and some members of the LDS church on the muni streetcar today and the underground muni Line, I had a rough day due to the infamous Olympic tour, which was not the end of law & order in San Francisco as predicted, and Liberty and justice for all was preserved, and anarchy was not starter nor was world war III.

Today was pretty much Like I like it these days, stress and dramma free, and peaceful and uneventful.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

-

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

The reality of life and my own self-awakeing is, I hurt, I also think as an AA, and an al-anon I know someone who is in denial, I see it and befriend her, but know the signs of a functioning drunn even if she doesnt use anymore, she drinks. I dont know how to handle this, and actully I am powerless over, I had a productive meeting with someone who was going into treatment, and went to part of the tuesday meeting at the center last night.

I reseted well, its burr cold today, and I have some apointments and to get my health bacj in orde3r, thursday is sort of busy as well, I also have to go down to the collage this week, I took care of changing some finical re3cords and other matters recently as well., the privacy laws at my new docotr is amazeing I love this clinic much better.

Im feeling less moody and bitchy as of late, and feeling better, I also am being more quiet and listing more, I canned my sponsor unofficaly I need someone else to work with I think, maybe Ill work with him or her, having a genderqueer sponsor is a bit amuseing. I found amusement this moring in some crackhead going nuts while I was on the phone with DLG more recently, Ive been getting some odd hits on my web server, with my mulitplie monitoring tools, as well as a secure page whom I cracked again

I also need to meet with my atty, I regesitered to vote, and have to pick up my student ID soon which is cool, I get discounts for somethings with a student ID, I also think I am going to get medical paper wpork done, I also get more and more aquaired and fnished.

I found that everything I knew is wrong, much as folks told me, My temptations were tested and I proudly rejectet on the eve of 9 months sober, I had a yummy poppy seed donut with lemon iceing this moring and some wonderful dark roast coffee for breakfast. I feel good for myself. I am feeling a bit better and less sick.

I dont drinki anymore, though yesterday I was offered a glass of merlot and proudly refuserd. I also understood something, I need to be more optimetic, less bitchy and more focued and a bit more private and less co-dependant. I disocvered this from a russian friend and aqyuaince whom I have a found attraction to and we hang out some of the same places, and cofffee shops and diners on occasion.

I also dreamed of doing the boot scotting boogie recently and ordered more documents recently as well. I have some more things to prepare for my upcoming trip, and tasks t0o finisyh. I swear I was close to buring out recently

I am good and have to call the other place today and focus on a few things before catching my train inward to my goal and achivement for today, I have much to fnish for today, id di sleep late but I went back to doing the vegan thing and progressing toward inner peace, and enlightment. I filled out the release forms more recently and contunie to the path to ernlighment and mvoing forward.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Progress not prefction, one day at a time,

4/4/08

The understanding and enjoyment of my meeting this morning, and considering dropping my current sponsor, for someone who possibly by the grace of a higher power of my understanding as I understand her. I found enloightment, I also bitched out some fuck face, that drops around for coffee, and the bums, who are drunk and smelly and don't have nay respect, pissed me the fuck off, I don't have any respect for people who lie about their soberity.

Maybe I am a cold, hearted, kind, mean, judgmental, selfish bitch, and proud of it. Maybe I am too good for some folks, who the fuck knows maybe I just need to bitch my heart out so I can turn off the bitch switch

I felt better today after the meeting on my inner spirt, I also reached enlightenment for my heart, mind body and soul, I further my development and inner peace for my spirt of my life. I talked to my wonderful therapist, no call from macy's, and other things to follow up for, I also set something up but cant remember or ead my writing in my panner, I've been a nervous wreck the past few weeks.

I also reached further enlightenment of my spirt of my soul, heart mind and body for myself, I know more what I wish I knew long ago. I concubine to be healthy, eat well, work out and do what I must do to remain focused and mentally, physically and emotionally disciplined for my heart, mind body and soul

I also know more of myself and interpersonal skills and life and love itself. I know more of who I am and how I am going to get there, and for that I am truly grateful, I am greatfil for what I do have in my love and keep focused and let go of the past, and put my new life, in progress not perfection with honesty, loyalty, compassion and love and not being overly a bitch, or self-destruivte, and staying sober, I celebrate 9 months in about a week, my sobriety date is Friday July 13, 2007 where I went from an al-anon as a club, bar, binge drinker in dec 2005- jan 2006 and sobered up In Houston, texas.

God bless, Texas but I love San Francisco, i think when I was born I left my heart out here.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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4/3/08- The reality of my life, and chapter to my own interpersonal struggles, Yesterday I bitched out someone in my left and right brain, and have a resenement toward that though nothing near as bad as prior transgressions against other trans in Houston, however some trans-folk here don't act or have the mannerism, maybe I am overly judgmental bitch.

The the other part, of myself, the The reality of my life, and progress to perfection to myself. I also know more of where I am and who I am and where I like to go. And know who I am as a individual. The reality is I also know more for myself, and who I am. I found today is productive I slept late, and took a really hot shower this morning, my back is not achieving as bad. I also have therapy today, and had fun at the collage yesterday as well.

I progressed more and more into enlightenment for myself, life and fear of the unknown, and my life. I also know more about my progress and how far I have come, I have grwadlully started to overcome my fear of law enforcement, security guards, medical detectors, being searched, strangers, being honest with myself and others, and life and fear of the unknown, and fear of life it self, and also knowing more of fear of being in subway cars, transit cars ( I was sexually assaulted in a cargo container) \\

I hurt so bad, and it feels librirtaing to be honest with other folks about my prior bad transgressions to others and resentments. I also know more about life and fear itself. I am afraid of many things, people, places and things, I am afraid of much of who, what and where I am and how I got there.

I also know more about who I am as an in didvudal and my own interpersonal skills, feelings and rational and reaction fears, of things that might happen, people, places, and things that could happen. I need to stop being drunk on myself. I had a most enjoyable meeting today, which some things were shared that made me smile.

I also know more about my fear and insecurity of who and what and where I am as a person. I know more about my personally and inner woman. I know more about optimism, and fear of others. I also need to lay low for a while.

I also know more about life and fear of the unknown and life it self, I know more about who I am as a person and individual and personally, progress not perfection in my own. Chapter to my own skills, and gnostic and interpersonal life and skills. I know more about myself, the only thing to fear is faceting your reality of your own fog, and life you did and messed up yourself.

I have debits, resentments to people palcesand things, Like a typical lazy American, I could declare bankruptcy, or I could be honest, and pay my debits off slowly and make settlements with poor choices I made during my years of binge drinking. Which is very much so on my list. I fucked up my life and now I pay the concqunces.

I am afraid of myself, and more afraid of going back out, that's why I go to meeting daily and admit faults to my own personal problems and issues, and be women enough to face the pain, I am strong, indpedant, outgoing, assertive and selfish and do what I what I want, when I want and how I want, I lost some of my mangaableity but I get it back

I also know more the only thing to fear is life it self, I made bad choices and pay the concqunces, progress not perfection, and being honest with myself and others, The reality of what I need to do, the

The reality of my soul and interpersonal failures and reality

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Sunday, March 30, 2008

The turth of my life, is what I need to do for enlightment and my inner child and bitch I must keep under lock and key and enlightment, for my soul and life and who I am as a woman. I feel my father poteryed me, and resent him and my mother as well. I called and did some step work but I need some time alone right now to sort things out.

I have a job interview this week downtown in un plaza, at the infomous torust strap shopping centers, I also have an apointment next week at the collage and other factors that are upbringing as well, as uplifting. I also have to make a drs apointment to find out why I am dizzy., church is on the adgenda this morning, I ranv into my friend in the program whom there is a mututial attarction ebttween her and I, but she went back out, she was still wastered as usual during a relapse, I do want to work with her, more for my soul, and reach enlightment for my inner child, and discover more about myself and keep my inner, bitch under control and maintain a inner balance for my inner child.

I also have some laundry to do tommroow, as well as work out some logisitcs and rest today, after all it is the sabith day or sorts. I talked to RAP some yesterday, I also went running down to the marina district from market street in about an hour and back, I got a good workout, My back is hurting, and but fitness is importint to my soberity,. I went to a ealry moring meeting this morning at 1^st place, I also reached further elightment.

I was hit on again this morning more, and reached more enlightmnet for my soul and inner child, for my inner peace for my soul and reaching enlightment for my soul and discovered more about my self, and inner child.

The truth is the enlightment I felt for my life and reached my inner child for my soul and inner peace, keeping my anger, desire, and resentment at bay and maintaing metanl, physcuial, emotional and balance and disipline. I am greatful to be here, but I know I am just in light with the dunk and fallen souls who perrished and continue to drink, and abuse and use on the streets and skid row of san francisco.

I came here for a fresh start, high hopes and roughing it for enlightment and inner peace where no one would be so overjudmental, my hurt and pain, simualr to chirstans awakeing, and my resenement toward her, yesterday at the early morning meating at “our lady of safeway” we red one of my favorituv chapters in the big book “for employers” it makes me feel well understood in my heart, mind, body and soul.

This morning I witnessed a disgusting unlady like transgender, use the ladys room like a man, that makes it harder for true transexuals, intersexed, and transgenders to make it, maybe I am just being to true to myself a real bitch. But at least as long as I keep my bitchness under wraps, disipline, and control I can keep my own personal jesus in order to reach enlightment, for my soul and inner child. I know more what I know now, the Bitch must stop.

Myself, personally I discovered more about my soul, and inner bitch more and more, as I reach enlightmnet for my soul. I dsicover more about myself, and innder child and woman within.

I need to lsiten, more talk less, ponder, pray and be more alantical and speek when the moment is right, and shut up otherwise. I get it intlectually, but have trouble applying, it as sheryal crow would say I change would do you good, which in this matter is correct.

I have some parts of my site I need to rework, I also have another blog I am developing that is for my road trips and adventures, in my pick em' up truck. And a few other factors. I hurt, and hurt so bad, and dream of not hurting anymore, I want more and more to reach enlighment, and my inner child. I dont know anymore, except that I want life, I want to choose life, I want something more or I think I do anyway, I am tried and sick and tired of hurting again and again.

Folks are wrong, and mean and rude, I also hurt more and more for my soul, and reached enlighment for my inner child I want more about my soul in to something I dont understand, I miss my friends, I feel so alone and icolated, But I have fellowship in the meetings, Most folks I found dont have any hope, I try to keep my hopes up for enlightment, I run on, day to day.

I also want more for my soul, and reahing, maybe I dont allways work my program as well as I should or allow myself to, I need to push myself more to reach enlightment for my soul, and inner child. I want to let go more, and more, as billy idol would say I want more, more more, with a rebel yell. I hurt more and more.

Maybe I just want to say, I get it , sort of one day at a time, lviing in the moment, being powerless over other people, places, and things and most defentaly drinking, and remering hungry angry, tired, lonely. I admit I am afraid scared shitless, that I will wind up as garbage on the cesspool of skid row of san francscio, thats why I go to meetings daily, to keep from getting the Fuck Its. I am tried and sick and fucking tired of drinking, not drinking and hurting more and more. I had to make a great deal of scracfice to make sure I get it, its the adult thing to do.

I took responcibilly and acountablity forn my actions, maybe I obtained some co-depedancy as of late, I need to get my ashe in 3^rd gear and overdive and superchage myself to success, some friends, aqwqunces dug me out ot the rut of a shithole. But I know the truth of my life and enlightment.

The truth is I know what and who I am as an indivdual for my soul, and inner peace. I had a spirtual experacne meeting my friend again, IO hope she stays sober and clean and stays on the path to enlightment and find innder peace as I have.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Yesterday was semi-productive, I slept well, went to bed around 8pm awoke at 3 am as usual. I also met with Ariel and wrote code and updated my blog, website, and played Counterstrike yesterday, stopped by the CWP event and met with AL yesterday, at the coffee shop, I also know more of what and who I am, and know more of what I am and where I want to go in life.

I had the self-assessment and spiritual experience of understanding NM would not be a good roommate and AL mingt not be as well, but I also understood that I need someone sort of between the two individuals, theres a vacancy at nice complex, I also know more about life, and the power of a Higher power, forgiveness, resentmet and honesty and moving on.

I also dream more of my life, and what I had, and everything I belived and my value system is crap, and bullshit I feel failed and potrayed as an Indivdual, I feel hurt and potrayed and I talked about it, I feel embrassed and shamed and I shared it with those thatl, I trust, love and that love me.

I have laundry today to do I did not do yeterday, I also have a meeting on the adgenda as well as some fincial matters and mailing documents as well, I miss my mother dearly day after day more, and more

I also have to pick up my meds at the drug store, and mail a letter and documents and pick up mail and a package, and ret ready for church on sunday as well. I saw something intresting this moring someone I know from my past, in a viction but in the rooms, I also saw someone whom I might have resented much as I did

My fear of being abused recently a few weeks ago when reaching out for help, was apparently unfounded as well, and I am greatful to be sober and on my program today as well.

I also know more of who I am and my own personal past, present and future, and reality as I love myself, and know more about Myself, I spent allmost my entire 27 years of my life not knowing who I was lieing, and in so much denial and pain,a and shame. I sturrgeled with my faith, I converted to the LDS church for faith of who I am and the infimous religious cure-all. Which inverstion therpey does not work as folks know and is well documented.

I also know more of who I am and where I want to go in life, I know I broke free, but I hurt, I hurt bad for my sins againt others, I hurt bad for being hurt in houston, and hurting others who cared and tried to help. I have trouble leeting go of resentment, but I pushed things beyond repair. I am unwelcome and not any better than those who hurt me, I have to move on, and hope fate, a higher power one day can reunite me, or allow ammends to be made, but Ive accepted people are afraid of me, and well dont want to be around me.

The reality is I know more about who and what I am as an individual and myself and my own personal jesus, I know what I am, where I am and who I am, I need to go get my trcuk because I dont want it to become like DLGs 1976 BMW 2002 , I want to keep it in good, shape, its a rare trim (FX4 with the tremor package) and it is in good shape, the first new auto I purshed, and it was my safe place, and I have my coming out memeory in there, a lot of drinking storays, a soberity memeory, and travel trips and vacations and many good and bad memeorys and also memeorys or my life and things few and far inbetween, it was my safe place sometimes and was good to me, I plan to keep it to a classic, ford is discountinuneing the rangers after 2008 and it means a lot.

I had some french frys and cofffee this morning while composeing this letter and document, I also washed my hair, svaed my legs and did my makeup after awkaing at 3am, I also slept like a rock, Not a chevy truck but allmost like one. My dreams of life are becoming a reality, It means a lot to me. The reality of what Imy chapter to my gnosticism, I also know more about my life

Furthermore, I have much to achive I am young but becoming older, wiser to my insecuritys, stupidty and indegressions, and Know what I want to become, I know who I am, I dont care about others, which brings me to NTM she is ok, a good friend but she bitches about folks assumeing about us together, or when folks say somethingt nasty she reacts and causes a big scene, and profolks them further into rage and makes and fits sterotypes, her story is she is standing up for our rights, but actrully she is causieng a big scsne and doing more harm than well, and whonestly she makes more folks reads us, and draws more attention to us and dramma, even given the fact we are the same age, transgender, same size, body type etc. the diffrentrce is, shes stright im lesbain or bisuexal, asexual.

I respect her oritnetaion and values and she does mine, but she bitches and has to much dramma, and negativeity and poor choices and complains and doesnt push her self as hard, I know what I want fame, fortuine, power, and money and wealth and education and control, my life is unmanageable and I admit such and she doesnt get it, she cant understand the facor of my self, chapter to my gnosticism or enlightment, so I progress and walk away.

Anyway I have a good day, I am loved, I am moving on and working my program, and I make progress not prefection one day at a time

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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life and thoughts in san francisco

Thursday, March 20, 2008

The truth is I was hurt, and hurt badly for what I know, and should have been, I am deeply in over my head, but I remain strong and proud and disciplined mentally and in spirit. I miss things, I received more bad news today as well as before, I took care of business and other affairs and matters.

I also know more about myself, life and fear, and who I am, I hurt for my past, but also opened it up, otherwise it will open me up. I resent what I did to others and in Texas, I resent what I had not done for myself, and lashing out, bitching and complaining, I miss things, I want what I once had.

But it feels better powerless, I learned to like the abuse, If I could not get it there, I got it elsewhere, san Francisco is a wonderful place of 800,000 nut jobs both left wing and right and insanity, but its home. I miss much of what I am and who I once was in my soul.

I ate well today, and am grateful for what I have, I am not fallen, or powerless but I have life, and freedom, liberty, and renewed drive, hope and a better future. I miss much of the past, but I left it behind. I want something more meaningful, all the things I under-stood and wanted was not for myself or my soul, and enlightenment is not always easily archived.

Furthermore, I know personally I am developing skills, life again and coping, the panic ends, and maybe just maybe I am getting better, Maybe I don't want the pain to end, I learned to distort reality, the pain and mind of those who have fallen facilitates me, But I want it to end, my life is starting to become better, in observation of my soul, inner woman, and child I reach more and more enlightenment for my soul

Myself, knowing more about others, web design, coding, photography, and wiring is in my blood as art, my mother had the gift, and I did also, I am so much like my mother even down to her hair, I miss my mom often, I wish she was here, I wonder if she approves of me, or my life, I think she does.

I think she was ashamed of somethings, but I made bad choices, learned a lot about myself in Texas and got sober long enough to learn to move on and forward I think.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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My daily affirmations and self-relfctions

10/11/07

Lee McInnis Gaetjens

PO Box 66471

Houston, texas 77266-6471

Who is Me?

I am someone who is insecure with herself, who struggles to find her self and accept her self in sobriety. I struggle for the first time in my life un-certain of what to do, that I am physically and mentally able and of the mindset to handle and struggle to find inner peace with myself.

I struggle to accept things, let go of the past. I find that I know I am transsexual but hate others like my self. I struggle to accept and be rational about myself.

I feel at odds, I don't like people and went though a terroristic mad at the word, man hater due to the abuse, and self-abuse and mistreatment at the workplace and drinking. Took peoples advice as hostile and over-judgmental and even became somewhat of a vigilante. But I let go.

I am someone kind, charitable, honest loyal, would give my life to save another, like helping people, but I don't like to ask others for help. I have trouble and self-esteem issues do to abuse, and don't like asking or allowing others in my life due to being abused a lot. But I am a fighter (in spirit) and willing to go to whatever weighings inside my values, beliefs and morality and not disgrace myself, body or soul any more, with abusing others, myself, or being self-distributive.

I like the outdoors, adventure, camping, But also like cooking ,gardening, and power tools. I like helping others, church, faith, doing good deeds, being a angel on the freeway. Giving to charity with my time, and money and service work.

I have a heart and would give my physical possessions things or give away to help others, I like to spend at home and read but like to be out and about given I like to be active in the community and enjoy camping, and learning and have a curiosity about the world about me.

I face those who don't understand, the folks who don't understand me, the folks I hurt with my drinking, and self-destructive actions. I am a spirituality strong person, I really hurt and struggle with explaining gender and transsexualism to those who don't get it, or those who don't understand it. I am slowly with 90 days of clarity of life.

I know I accept myself, I know who I am, I know I am female, and transsexual, but my fears, insecurity and resentments and the Mormon thing, and family led to years of resentments. And insecurely. I know I will probably always be alone, my life is rough. But I know what direction I wish to grow and progress into. I know where I want to go today, and know Id rather be sober and I being selfish to myself now am stuck going to meetings till the day I die.

I know I want meaning in life, in work, education, and don't like being idle, and want to be active. I don't like being at home much due to being lonely. I have a likening to coffee shops and conversation and being social and things of that nature.

I like giving to others, but have trouble being close to others or building friendships or keeping them I either destroy myself. Or hurt myself, or hurt others or withdraw. Meaning why I don't keep a tv at home or Internet as those are time watchers.

I have grown into who I am, but feel 90% of people don't understand me or what makes me tick but rather than try to explain or inform trans gender issues, I withdraw into depression, homophobia, or drinking which is no longer an Option I broke free. I abused my body and have been abused, so fitness and healthy living has become one of my largest goals, running and doing chores or work which is physically demanding is very important to me to stay in shape.

I know I like myself, I know I want myself, I know I am a fighter, but the garbage I see and folks who do the drag show thing disgust me. And just get tied off seeing many lost into the cesspool of drinking, prostitution and prison and crime. I broke free but don't know why. But I just grew tired of the bull shit drama.

I want to help people, travel to places, write inform people about the world. I like being mobile as I never though I would have. I learn not to take others stereotypes and over-judgmental feelings as a resentment but to try and inform those who don't know much about the differences of gender identity and sexual ordination, and develop and teach as a missionary of sorts, a missionary of love, peace and information rather than mis-information.

Knowledge and spiritual, and interpersonal growth is key. Key to love, life and self-growth in yourself. I know who I am. And accepted it not because of others but for me. I wasn't ready some lie to them selves, and I hate or rather more politically correct dislike folks who are not true to themselves. I did it for years and years and years. And sometimes have resentments or things which is very dangerous. Some people never come outside the box and remain a square all of their life.

I also want to mention that I have seen enough death, dieing and drama. And while I feed of negativity maybe with my messed up so called childhood where everything is supposed to be enjoyable. That I miss it I have trouble fiting in and living.

I love life, and myself and wish the Latter Day Saint church would allow me to break free and grow and prosper into myself and evolve beyond the box, or ex-commutate me or remove my name for the records, I am a very tough person when I have to be but I dislike doing and fighting battles by not minding my own business, not speaking up and allowing things to get bad, or enjoy and feed of my own pain and inner suffering.

I love my aunt Darline and the alleys, but they think I am a pervert and another reason I will never remain home, why would you want to be a female, how can you be born a male transition to female, yet like other females it must be a sex thing. They don't get the differences and Houston was my choice as I prior mentioned inner city was more progressive than outside. I miss living in my old west chase apartment but don't like the neighborhood, crime and rising traffic like being able to walk here, while I love cars and the open road and outdoors. I don't like traffic anymore or being an extrema commuter.

I also dislike and have a lot of phobia or males, large packs of males that may or may not be unassuming or accepting, and black and has panic males due to those were largely black males and some has panics who abused me physical and emotionally at work and growing up I was tormented by black males and well you get the drift.

I fear letting go and being sober But I made ,it I deiced I must stay sober for not being such hurts me and destroys myself, my life and just sends things to hell. I have grown and found some insecurity's in myself but also it hurts for poor things I did to other people out of self-destructive actions, or making a bad substitution worse by being a drama queen which I have no desire to be anymore

But when working on therapy, employment, taxes and other issues I have allowed my life to fall into almost the gutter of unmanageably and death, with dishonesty, loyalty, drinking, and near suicide and being naughty.

While being life is not all fun and games. I have found nothing power, and ego while I enjoy it is not the most disreputable and most are under constant stress and scrutiny and drink or kill themselves with overdose or further destruction.

I find I want somethings which the church wanted or could have given me even my trucking and diving into work, family, someone I care about, adventure of the open road, travel for work, fitness, physically demanding field work. Or might want a office deal, but in my spare time and on the weekends my camping trips.

I still often sometimes sleeping dream of my Baja fooling camper in the back of my pickup truck often as do I dream of living in Montana or Wyoming in retirement in a pop up rv or truck camper and a big boat and large diesel 4x4 pickup truck in Canada and Alaska as well. I love high altitude and rural America and the snow, and ice I grow tired and disgusted with the city. And often wonder if my dream will ever be reachable but don't want to do that alone.

I admit my life and ego rules around me and I can be rude, obnoxious, over-judgmental, and selfish and have trouble shearing, being honest and being with others, and often I judge and stereotype other people rather than learn about them.

I find more and more about myself, I find I love my more insubstantial, electronic, and obscure music. But country, jazz., and classical relaxes me and reminds me off my mother. And as is running is very important to my sobriety. I feel before leaving Houston as I often speak I need to work on myself or my problems will follow me which is very bad due to the fact I'm almost gasp 30 years old I feel old, I milestone and while I progressed more in some areas, I allmsot sank down the tubes in others.

I also have discovered that I have issues with my self I have grown more into someone or something or somewhat of an obscurity and self-well confusion and misinformation. I find I burned out a lot of brains, knowledge with my drinking and self-distributive actions. Positive thoughts bring positive results, what I eat affects how I feel. And what I do and how I treat myself, or allow into myself writhe its media, music or popular culture affects my over all implementor.

I find I need to do what I must do for me and no one else to obtain enlightenment, and the search for knowledge is very real and urgent to the task and had to get better not to pump my body with poison, medication or more drugs to serve ego, and self comfort and inner- personal growth and enlightenment. And find myself.

I may find something else. I also found my pain within myself and what brings it, and the lies of who I am. Sunday, October 14, 2007

The reality is I discovered happiness within myself, someone in sfo made me discover what I lost my true inner self. I had to ball up in sobriety with this bad ass bullshit. At 90 days I am remembering horrid things I did when I used to party.

I remember who I am, and who I want to be not the lip of the bottle. I found something else out also. I went to a new meeting with Nancy B and others. I found other parts in myself and found what I must talk in therapy this week and bring.

The pain is I present as someone I am not, I overcame some without drinking, but must find her again, me. And the pain boils, in severity, also the bad as girl I once was, I was driving down the road, and remembered some friends I used to party with or so call friends wanted to rip off some drug dealer or drop spot in a area Houston park that is used to drop off items.

In other news, I found my folks and others know me and know what I must do for me, my traveling and self growth and direction for myself. My trueself. I also know my family, and I am loved, and might have even set a friend into a al-anon meeting due to the pain I caused her, that hurts, but I linage a lot of cops, fire, ems, and therapists and doctors could use a little al-alon from time to time.

Nancy Gave me home work also. And I found more of myself and for my homework, I found I push people way and isolate and drink to deal and medicate the pain, I had someone I pushed away that cared and liked me and dint respect me. And others don't respect me and I found something that I must do for me and I alone.

I also found some people in clarity from the past, that I didn't get along with still don't like me we are a bunch of stuck up selfish assholes and jerks and know what I need to do. And where I really want to go.

I went out a little this weekend and myself confidence and spirituality and planning to leave Houston and Texas sits and sets in. I have a plan and dream and must work toward those goals and grow and prosper within myself to grow.

Halloween the worst holiday in soberly is upcoming as are the Christmas holiday season

I also discovered that I need to grow and prosper into my themselves and I would die rather than be someone I was not just as much I would die before I take another drink, detox and 90 days is a bitch and I don't want to go though these painful feelings and emotions again.

I did those bad things because I wanted to die, I did those nasty things to others because, I hated myself, feared myself, I pissed off folks who cared now I am garbage and nobody and nothing, and scare people away from me, who care because well. I am afraid, I hurt to come out the box, I fear having being hurt again by friends, I hurt to trust others and be honest and want to be loved, I just well I'm selfish and want others to love me that I love.

I hurt so bad for what I did to a friend and other friendships and bad choices, and not standing up and being distributive to myself.

I would like to be loved, and accepted but most don't someone more recently would have and I found love and acceptance in the most odd and obscure place. And wish I could get that person to come back.

I push others away from me.

I like art, freestyle, but also money power, and control but also charity, activism and being physically active. I did physicality demanding work while being abused, I have a lot of racism and sexism in me hating blacks, Hispanics, and males but work to overcome those given those were largely those who hurt me. I hurt so bad and much.

I am in massive pain and suffering for self-distributive going around bad places and doing bad things and spending so long as someone I am not. And need to come out to speak.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

My day and growth of myself in 90 days around self-discovery and clarity

10/13/07

After a rough night last night picked up my 90 day sobriety chip. Made it im green luck of the Irish in other news, I waxed and washed my truck today, I have some touch up spots, to do. I have to go to the mini storage soon to do some work. I'm enjoying the cool Texas nights and breeze of the south west freeway near by and state highway 288.

Ive lately wanted to go surfboarding on the beach, or take a drive to Galveston island. But I have work to do and to focus on the task at hand. I talked to Brandi last night, missed Nancy call today.

I watched part of some loony, lame brain move, air bud with sonny today. Made my day. Also slept till l0 went the the awesome noon meeting on Saturday at lambda. The drama is not here, cl airy is here, thats by far one of the best fucking aa meetings in space city. Cooked a yummy breakfast today, and did go running lost more weight recnely been taking good care of myself im getting close back down to 160 lbs my ideal weight I am happy with and still a health weight for me and my changes.

I might go running tomorrow and work and pack up some storage. Did some house cleaning and brought more order or trying to bring order to my disorder might do that late tonight.

Have grocery's in the fridge, bought some overpriced OJ yesterday. And washed and have some more waxing to do recently

I also need to take a drive in the next few weeks to costco and make other plans to move. I went shopping more recently also. I have more things coming in, doctors appointment, and some writers block, ive been dealing with some painful issues, and need to go to meetings more often.

People admire and respect me, and my sobriety I am sure, I just have been taking care of personal matters and removing my stress and drama from my life.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)