10-9-2008
Slept rather splendid last night, awoke at 3ish this morning, showered was read for my day, Became well rested good today. I also talked to my wonderful therapist about things in my life; the medication for the PTSD seems to be working, rather well.
Went to a 7am meeting at the Alano club did not have any nightmares last night.

Furthermore, I spoke to some friends in town, and did some contacting, yesterday I cried a good part of the day, and listened to led zeppelin, Billy Idol, The Cure, Depeche Mode, Ministry, Ramones, White Zombie, Brooks and Dunn, and Little Texas grieving to my grandmother’s death.

I miss Texas, I miss Houston, and I miss Corinne and others from 3296. I wonder if the big bad wolf is still happening. My life is unmanageable and in shambles, I also hope one day I am able to rejoin my foes, and those I scared In the Houston Texas TG Community with my drinking, I am finding that as I gain sobriety, I am more afraid when shit happens and want to be less attention whoreish.

To futherstate, things the power of resentment, I understand my guilt and shame of my true self, and the power of my hate and hate of victor, john, Enrique, Carl, elm dean, tine, James, Henry are killing me inside.

Furthermore, be allowing the anger, blood and resentment and the desire for vigilantism. Moreover, I allow them to win by allowing the resentment to live, it needs to go in my god box and my own personal Jesus, and may they rot in HELL!!!

I need restraint of computer, word, and tongue, is the best option, Intellectually I can comprehend that but it’s difficult to get over the anger of my hate crime that the bastards I listed above, that the FBI nor the United States Government only certain, state, local, and county governments reluctantly accept transgender individuals with legal rights, protections.

I am controversial which is why I publish my blog, website and domain, to show the daily struggles, keep a life online, and show the world we are not that different from integration of African Americans.

I wish the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints would allow us, rights and equity and understand how many GLBTQ members end up committing suicide.





Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to be sober
2.) Grateful to have folks who care about me in New Orleans, Houston, Dallas, Austin, San Francisco, Oakland, and Berkeley.
3.) Grateful to have a spiritual awakening
4.) Grateful to be near my father martin Clark Gaetjens
5.) Grateful to be in San Francisco
6.) Grateful for my wonderful therapist
7.) Grateful to be working a good program
8.) Grateful for the opportunity in the long term to build a bond with my father.


I also got a card for Saint Anthony’s a green card that works well, due to the prior harassment and idiots in the line there. I have been working and am close to finishing my IRS Issues, and will be able to attend City Collage of San Francisco in the near future; I need to call the advisor I was working with.

Furthermore, I discovered more about myself and continue to grow and prosper. I also work a good program, continuing to grow as an individual

Talked to the theprsit about my anger, and resentment and my transition and other issues. I also spoke to a few other individuals. My back has been hurting more so lately. I’m hanging tough she also suggested san Mateo county or Costa contra county. I might like San Jose, they have a pretty good center there and community but it’s Not San Francisco But I’d have my Truck and the Cal train and maybe eventfully a bicycle into the city.

Another thing to be grateful for is not being so angry all the time, as if I used to be. I have









Friday, October 10, 2008

Slept good last night, some women where I live brawled, the other thing was I received a call from Larkin street youth services, which was amusing. They want me to interview for a youth councilor position.

For those of you who don’t know. Larkin Street is a nonprofit that works with youth who are 12-1under 25 but also is well known for working with youth 18-under 25 whom runs away from home due to being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or queer. That’s their primary clientele, they also work with substance abuse, former foster care kids, and a lot of kids from Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama.

Furthermore, they are well known for their work with transgender youth. They are similar to covenant house run by catholic charities. Furthermore, it is an entry-level position, which I plan to attend City College and get a MSW, or become a LMT and continue to work in this field given it’s something I understand, and I get to help the next generation on their road to transition.

Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to have this opportunity for employment in tough times
2.) Grateful to be sober
3.) Grateful to be aggressive in bettering my life, and assertive and more secure in self.
4.) Grateful to have friends, family and individuals that care about me both locally and in two other states
5.) Grateful to be out, proud but censored and settled down.
6.) Grateful in the long term to be able to build a relatshinship with my father in San Francisco
7.) Grateful to be In San Francisco
8.) Grateful for my wonderful therapist
9.) Grateful to be alive
10.) Grateful to have a program
11.) Grateful to have my own personal Jesus
12.)





















--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

One day at time, progress not prefection

4/13/08

Today 9 months ago I stumbled into the rooms at LAMBA center not far from where I took my frist drink and went from AL-anon to AA in ealry 2006. and quit of my soberity date of friday july, 13^th 2007, My life had its ups and downs.

I attended a good meeting this morning and had breakfast. I slept ok a bit late, my body and health is in not that good shape, Im afraid of dieing, not as much death but not knowing whats wrong with me physcally.I am afraid, of not being in control or having knowlage.

I came to San Francisco, on Jan 6^th 2008 with high hopes a fresh start and dreams and have started to live the calfiornia dream, I am insecure and hurting, because of transgressions and refusal to admit defeat in Houston., I also picked up some co-dependants, by raseing the bottom, and learned more even though I know nothing. Even though other than myself the meeting was a bit dead, the 5 folks there (myself conuted) it was one of the best meetings I have been two all week, in addaion to our lady of safeway morning meeting where most folks there have their own personal jesus, and a few queer LDS Folk who I find mildly amusing.

It stinks to some level to be in the under 35 crowd and be staight edge and sober. But I have something most folks in my age range dont, peace, love, enlightment and grattudie and faith in a higher power as I understand her and my godess and own personal jesus.

Speaking to the LDS missioanrys here about the biship my faith and wanting to estbalhs a relatshionip with the bishop and talk on the phone, and concuidering rejoining the church despite my views and transgressions and possible excommcation. I just want to talk and be friendly.

I dont know what I belive anymore, and refuse to accept and put power over to orgnsited relgion, but I am more open to it. I am more willing to talk and concider it.

I still feel weak, I slept well, had a wonderful shower and walked a bit and rode muni to my destnation and reached further enlightment for my soul and peace for myself.

I loved more for who I am as an indidviudal and my inner peace I find more about myself, and learn more day to day. I spoke to AC and CEQ and PMG and DLG, I did laundry, I might go to church. I might rest, I might finish installing V-Builltan on my webserver its uploaded and I have to do some configuration details. I also am concdering using another server with leemcg.com for some of the databases and apps I am working on and miroor and collebation sutes in the backround on other Ips and hidden logins and some public for resocures and various groups mailing lists and things like majordomo and listservs on my server.

My site in one year gets 2000-3000 hits a month thats progress and the wow factor. I know more eveyrhting I think I know is wrong, I got side tracked and well Know I am loved in San Francsico, Houston and New Orleans even if I am a bit quiet and hermit much as my mother.

I love more about myself. And know more who I am as an indidvudal I know more about myself, my faith in a higher power and god of my understaning for my soul, peace and love.

I know I am vbeing alone and iuts not a good thing, I just am afraid and need time to sort things out in my own way (sober) and Ill come back, I applied for more things and got more done, its the dizzyness, and confusion andf passing out from fatigure, and low bloodpressure, my docoter gave me some diet tips, and health and fitness and more waring signs, and told me to avoid stress and anger.

I must reamin dispalp0ined both in aa, my financal life, personal life, collage life, work life, starting over, and doing whats right. I am addcited even before I become an aa, My grandmother na duncle have addictive traits and personallitys.

From pack Rating, to food, to being a right wing nut job, we are all addits in our own way.

I know I am vbeing alone and iuts not a good thing, I just am afraid and need time to sort things out in my own way (sober) and Ill come back, I applied for more things and got more done, its the dizzyness, and confusion andf passing out from fatigure, and low bloodpressure, my docoter gave me some diet tips, and health and fitness and more waring signs, and told me to avoid stress and anger.

I must reamin dispalp0ined both in aa, my financal life, personal life, collage life, work life, starting over, and doing whats right. I am addcited even before I become an aa, My grandmother na duncle have addictive traits and personallitys.

From pack Rating, to food, to being a right wing nut job, we are all addits in our own way. I just am dizzy, confused and lighead, but focused sober and fatth restroed (Not LDS) but pro\gress not pefection and the godess as I understand her keeps on ticking one day at a time.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

-

Monday, March 31, 2008

I know why I hurt so bad, I hurt because all of my life I have pretned to be someone I wasnt, I bought my happyness, I gave up in depression, and I resent what I threw away, so many folks and people are in jail, prison or hosptials or instutions due to drinking, and drugs or worse, and self-destrucive qactions they fuck around with someone until it gets the worst of them down and down they go, rice round like a record baby.

I spoke to a friend of Bill Wilsons whom convicned me, and my current person who is guideing me wants me to go to a meeting a day write down what I learned or sturck me, more recently for employers, I was ready to jump off the building just as such, I had enough and wanted help, I currently have the pleasure of being of service, of someone whom there is a attraction, but I learn to respect bounderies, and draw the line, I want her to get it, or reach out and get help. I hope she went to a meeting this moring today, I hope other things work out well, and good enough, My back hurts today, this moring was burr cold. I awoke at 2 am, was out the bed a 3 showered till 4 and got dressed and did my hygine and face. My back really hurts, I also am looking at housing and other factors more so.

I got sober enough and had my spirtual awakeing when I was in Houston when I paid my debit to society, of my drinking was a problem, but I thought I wasnt an drunk enough, the realy is the crackhead and junkie on skid row in san francisco, and I have one thing in common, I want insity and reciver and my life had not hit that far of a bottem (yet) and I have something they dont an awakeing, soberity and a program and life again.

I understood somewhat I could for my program no longer reside in houston, when school, and if the interview goes well tommroow, I might come home early or late ndue to working retail xmass is very busy. And drive back, I dont plan to stay or visit housotn and if I do, I am going to be there berifly to access my sotrage unit and get out, I hurt to bad and need to work with my current wonderful therpsit whom has been workjing with transgenders seince 1978 and is very nice, and has much expereance with this, whom I shared the pain and fucked up resentment I have toward christan williams, phyllis frye, and lilly roddy. I hurt day and day out for my past transgressions. But I must hide the pain and move on, san francisco rocks, its expeceive as fuck, but the politcla climite comparetd to southeren GLBT “affirming citys: is far and byound while comforting it scares the shit out of me bheing so open and not what I am used to.

The nightmares, have gone away for the most part, the dreams of being raped, abused, and pounched has been bad and byound and I reached my level of spirtuality, I also quit the prozac, per my docotrs request it had me fucked up, when I go to the ear docotr to see about my health issues, I might learn more and the doc thinks it might be a ear or sinus infection in the inneer ear, I ate some meat recently and had some salty popcorn, my blood pressure, and sugar and health is returning a bit more to n9ormal, or is anything nornmal anymore

I talked to the folks, did laundry this mroing, lunch is on the menu before my interview later this week, I am well rested and my back hurts. My health is improveing, and dinner is also on the adgenda as well it appers also. It also amazes me the amount of trans-women and trans-men who are in soc8ity ehre and the more accepting women and womens groups and resocures, my own transphobia is disowneing it-self. I also have witnessed some disgusting trans-women whom I resent, more recently I was commented on at a womens group, that I am so pretty and lady like in acting and expression and allways chee3rful, that I give away the steor type, about transexuals, and transgenres this comes from a professional that works with women and the GLBT community a s a whole, but back to the moral of the story, I saw one who bitches and complains and does drugs and drinks (sometimes) get up and pee like a man in the morning, Ive even had some women be unaware I am trans, or such.

Not that I am trying to fool anyone, I allways was a woman form the date I was born in Jan 1981, I was just born with a womans brain and male parts. I which I had more nlightment and udnerstanding, maybe taling about the pain and my own transphobia helps me as a soul. I am feeling better and looking forward to going and getting them tiger, with love Lee.

I plan to tank up on veggy soup today as well on my path to enlightment and self empowerment for my heart, mind body and soul. I reach truth, one day ata time I keep coming back I know it works.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The reality of life is not what you do, but what you don't do and who you are and true to yourself. The discovery of my own flaws, and defects and crimes against myself and humanity and having more compassion and allowing myself to higher standards not biblical but not thinking I am better than you or the next person, but desiring better and progress

The chapter to my own personal discovery and chapter to my gnostic and personal spirituality, individuality, overcoming my Trans-phobia, and allowing my inner child to grow without vokkia, beer, or wine or smokes is a desire in it self.

Meetings life to life, day to day, desire to progress, to change and positive optimism, and not draining like the vampire defect and personality I have but need to remove and change, the saying old habits die hard is true but the desire to change is change in self, mongering of your progress and achieving enlightenment zen, and life in it self beyond drinking, resentment, and relapse and insanity is a growth in it self.

Being progress but not refection and choosing the right, even when its hard, which I made, being a humble servant and the daughter of the goddess of my understanding, I proceed out of the deep dark tunnel that you know you have been down and where it leads, and choosing life, enlightenment, faith, chance and facing your fear.

I know I made the right choice, and what is done is done, and I am alive, and the weather is beautiful and progress is happening, I just must remain disciplined, faithful and choose life, and do the right thing, and remain focused and sober.

Laundry got done, took care of some other applications, post office is the plan on Tuesday, finance later, and church didn't happen maybe I need a meeting more and I must remain focused like the inner child, Capricorn border lining on Aquarius.

I will soon be able to fire up my pickup truck and let 298 HP ROAM WITH MY 4 WHEEL Drive tailgate into a garage I found a better deal and look often and not at plans when things come through which they are. I also have a new doctor to continue to prescribe my HRT and joined a outpatient treatment for folks who are sober, and thats good and catered toward my needs.

I found new more desirable housing in a womans shelter that is appealing, ran into a few friends, and some cute dyke's and soft studs hang out there. It hurts to see folks who gave up on hope, and life and fucked up trans genders. Oddly enough in a meeting yesterday we had to close the window due to pot mixed with crack blowing into a 12-step meeting and progress and enlightenment was archived slowly, only in San Francisco does that happen.

I also will get a meeting today, and found a closer borders to get my map of san Francisco, I also might go visit my friend again that lives out in piedmont but wont show up at MLS without calling. And have seen the Mormon temple in Oakland amongst other factors.

I compose this with hope, luck, and faith of a god, godless and my guardian angel of enlightenment, faith and a better life while in youth and progress, doing, not bitching, or suicide bull shit cry s for help, I live and have life, and feel alive, maybe I was uncertain, maybe it was the off levels of my hormones and other factors, but its happening, and I admit I am afraid, of relapse, death and being hurt or going back out at repeating prior transgressions, so I get my cute little vegan ass to a meeting every day, to practice progress, life, and the god of my understanding with other assholes, crackpots, fallen women, and drunks and those insane alike to keep coming back knowing it does work even if other don't.

And knowing my sponsor cares, and love me and I learned I have to put myself first, I have someone I like but she smokes, pot, bitches and has an abusive friend. And fell to the stupidity of san Francisco dark side, lucky for me I had a true friend whom I missed her call and hope she is Keeping up on my blog from the cab of her 2007 Freighter sleeper wherever her owner operate status keeps and and she doesn't jack-knife again.

I also love my family,f friends, friends of Bill W, people who cared, and acquaintance, those I need to make amends to, those who hurt me, and the power of forgiveness, faith and a better understanding of myself and the way the world really works both from San Francisco, to Oakland, To Berkeley, to New Orleans, to Harvey, Austin, Dallas, and the Lone Star Sate truck stops, the INTERNET, global and around the world and my loyal blog readers I wish others the best of luck and enlightenment.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

life and fear of the unkown and step work and well honesty and faceing the fear factor in step 1 again

buch photo of me in the mirror

Here is a scene from the set of Milk starting sean penn about the White Night riots and start of the GLBT movment in San Francisco showing homophobia and transphobia in the late 1970s

02/10/08

I hurt k owning the wrong in my heart and soul, the pain I caused myself, others and life around me. Not in resentment, I have fear, fear of going back out, loneliness being selective at who I deal with as I only want positive relationships and affirming ones.

I hurt k owning I am only want taste away, from going back out, drinking, using and abusing myself. I know I only have and hurt so much, I am tried so, sick and tired of hurting day after day life after life, k owning it only takes a smell of the booze and cesspool to bring someone out to bring the evil back in me.

I hurt seeing all these folks that don't have what I have clarity, I hurt knowing I do but could loose it, I hurt knowing my family, friends and aqauinces don't get it. I hurt because of fear of the unknown. I also am amazed at the amount of drinking and drugs that goes on, San Francisco is a lot like New York but more lib rail, devrese and both right wing, and left wing and psychotic nut jobs.

Folks who gave up and submitted to the bottle as I did, folks who destroyed and lost all. I miss folks, family , friends. Not in resentment but I was wrong, I wrote a letter of honesty, for things I am not sure if I did or not, but had to let go and share even with this person I hurt dearly, it hurt me more to compose the letter, I hurts to bleed tears of pain at how wrong I was.

Another spiritual experience I will share, is I am afraid, overloaded and tired, I feel like I don't want to take advantage of others, myself, be hurt any more, and I want to quit hurting. The experience I share of, is well my own life I don't know why I hurt, I want to quit hurting, day and night. I want the dreams and flashbacks to stop, I had another nightmare, I don't remember it much,

I know in my heart I did the right thing, I experience these dreams of being hurt over and over, of seeing the destruction of rita and Katrina from Mississippi to Louisiana to Texas. I hurt remebring being abused, I hurt with my own stereotypes and hate inside burning sometimes from not having any justice, from beefing afraid to make a stand. I hurt and put that to my higher power, my abuser reminds me so much of me, I'm tried of siting in the same place night after night leaping life to la-la land. I'm tired of hurting, dreaming, and suffering in my heart mind soul and body.

I don't want the drama, suffering and pain and well destruction anymore, I feel focus and reality is distorted more and more whats real and whats not, will I have a future and life, I don't want to drink, but folks don't understand what its like. I cry myself often, in shame for things I did, and didn't do. I am suffering kinda, and just tried of the bullshit, and pain. I want the suffering to end.

I don't know why I suffer maybe its knowing I was wrong for what I did, I did what I did because I was afraid, I went crazy, I enjoyed the panic, chaos and disorder. Insanity became the norm, when I could not get it, I moved on. Into sobriety, I had a ex prance of well maybe the drinking will kill me, maybe 90% of folks drinking, or drugs where involved in the court system even if they did not want to admit defeat to submission to the problem.

I hurt knowing I am wrong for what I did and did alone, I know the end of the tunnel is in sight, I am so tired of hurting and being in pain, day in and day out at night. My pain partially is gone, I got what I wanted a fresh start, but on the other hand, I uh lost more.

There was one encounter or phobia to some degree, I still have some phobia of law enforcement, fire, ems. I don't know maybe its one encounter for help and meeting a trans phobic cop, a rarity in san Francisco. But never the less they do exist. I have pain. I just learned not to show my fear of the unknown and the few that are transphobic assholes, most are nice. And I have no reason to fear them.

I'm hurting I don't know why Iam afraid, of the road ahead, but I know if I hang tough Ill be ok

I went to a meeting I had not in the past few days, and I observed and am working a 1^st step, I am afraid to ask for help, I am afraid of hurting folks again, I am afraid of people and being social. I'm not as much as afraid of myself, but afraid of relapse, and becoming the nasty, mean, hateful, resentful, insane, bitch, person I once was. I am afraid of hurting others and repeating past transgressions, I am jelious of others because I am lonely or get numbers and meet people but don't follow up or make friendship or keep it, other than my present sponsor.

Heres a more butch photo of me in the mirror at a coffee shop

Ive cut back on my eating went out to dinner with a friend last night, ate to much :-(

Called my sponor this morning and got out my pity party and went to a good GLBT meeting maybe the alano club was a bit much

I also took some more photos and firends, cleaned out my hard drive and played some counterstike I might start playing counterstrike pro again.

I also have some documents and copys to mail tommorow amongst other tasks at hand.

I am going back to eating once a day and drinking tea and coffee more a bit.

The weather is vastly improveing desireable.

I updated some code on LEEMCG.COM and started to build a San Francisco On-Line Transgender community much as Christan has at Transhouston.com with some of the server extentions I installed long ago, have documents to mail to texas and Louisiana and to meet with the transgender lasison officer next week and a therpey apointment as well with my new wonderful therpsist who is also transgender iminage that and a little older than me but around the same age group.

Im getting old soon to be out of the 25-30 crowd :-(

Have a crush and dateing prospects, but Im not busy. and I have some resentments and even jeliousity but Im dealing with it in a better manner than past transgressions (no pun intended)

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Life and finding the lost strange little girl moving closer to the Bay

01/30/08

I slept good last night at the shelter, the movie filming about the Milk, and riots and start of the GLBT movement in San Francisco, CA in the late 1970s, I did some extra work for and casting maybe I can be on film and I have much to do for my life, future and family and love.

I talked to MLS and DLG, the nice guy whom I met at connect says my disibilliy could be reinstated, its amazing how laws, regulations vary from state to state. And things are working through the food stamp, and ga worker are reviewing the trust documents with their legal dept.

I have an idea on housing and planing where, to live, they have improved the bart service throughout the night, I have looked a little at parking contracts, lots, and truck storage, I also looked at taxes about 300, plus a drivers lic, fees, and the annual registration might be a little higher than in the lone star state.

My friend might bring some cute shoes tomorrow in 10s, and 11s we will see what we fits. I also got a case management at least temp right, now. And have a contact at city collage, I might be able to get a grant or loan, and go to school and get an A+ certification and study computer science and web design, graphic design, and web application design.

Thats My plan, a lot of the IT and computer company's will pay for SRS with their health plans, apple, IBM, semantic, and even some of the other company's which need engineers, and programmers, mainly women and minority groups (trans genders)

I am getting maimed more, and also folks are kind, and things are happening even slowly, the violence on the streets of San Francisco is rough, I am lasting the harsh winter, the lady who runs the shelter told me the city is keeping the winter shelter open until July which is at (worst case) when my Divisibility with back payment, and housing should fall in, when I will fly to Louisiana and drive my pick em truck back, and other affairs or get it trucked here.

Today I had coffee, sourdough, danish s, an Asian salad, and lots of water, and took a shower at the Trans gender drop in center. Got a therapist, and called my sponsor, and touched base. I also am upcoming in 7 months, sober. And Ive reached a point where the smells, memories, flashbacks, and honesty and caring and passive but firm and assertive and self-aware and accepting is well odd and obscure.

Last night at the Trans gender support meeting and the clinic, I had some Chinese food donated from Chinatown, given a lot of the Trans gender community is Asian here, and funded by the Asian community and other groups no surprise we eat healthy.

I have someone in my life that doesn't have what I have and is a little abusive, but more so. It saddens me to see all these fucked up cracked up, doped up, hopeless, transgender folk. Those who quit caring, the homeless who gave up, the godless, and where I might be now. It humbles you in sobriety but I cant force anyone to want to change or desire to change they have to make that in their heart, and want to change.

My father upon after my arrival was his usual self, denial we had some nasty words, hang up and a lot of yelling. And hes nasty, hes never been there for me (partly for my mothers doing) I don't think he ever wanted kids, or family, or much else. I think he remarried some young Russian gal who needed to become an American, does the whole perfect guy thing wife, kid, maybe he keeps a old photo of me for his lies.

I think he still goes to the ballparks, maybe the OTB, or has some vices even if he sobered up, Hes nothing more than a sperm donor to my mother, he also during some of our heated arguments while in Texas, told me he contacted The Berkeley Police dept, UC Berkeley police dept and had is two friends which are retired FBI agents, if anything ever happens to him he goes missing, he gets hit by a car, falls of a bart platform. I'm going to be the prime suspect, and because his friends are EX-FBI I will never smell the end, of being detaining questioned, searched and Ill have my ass shipped to san quieten.

My father is a jerk, a lier, and thinks not much of me, and wants me to finish what I started here and told me to get the fuck out the bay area. My dad is not any different than O.J. Simpson, a lier, womanizer, con-artist, and dishonest as all 12-steppers are cunts, bitches, and well just selfish. I hope I can make my father pound just as my grandmother, at least my father does call me his daughter.

It would not surprise me if he had a Vasectomy preformed, not to repeat prior (mistakes) anyway the therapist does group and individual therapy here and I might invite (MLS) and offer to let my father attend some sessions, even though I am prepared he wont show up,I think he would be a lier, manipulative, cheat, and bullshit.

I spoke to my sponsor, today and talked to her about some personal, issues, relationships, doubts, and life, love, and fear of the unknown. Monday they have a dinner for us TG folk should be fun, and next Friday is my appointment with my therapist in the Castro which should prove uplifting.

The tigers at the San Francisco zoo, should be released after the security improvements to the tiger and lions. It amazes me they allowed such a open area, the Houston zoo, had more security improvements.

I researched my other options and issues. I talked to Morris with the advocacy office and wanted information about my time spent for my misdo minders, the SFPD Trans gender liaison officer, is doing a class on laws, trans gendered, encounters with the police, and a self defense class should prove interesting.

I might also long term have a lead on an apartment in Oakland, not far from MLS and also from a friend I have that lives out that way a bit. I researched a bit, on bart, on the way to the Oakland wal-mart once where I was going to transfer to many eons ago in a past life.

I also spoke to Nancy B and Carter a bit friends of Bill W, and keeping things going into progress and enlightenment. I see folks with no hope, drive or whatever, it saddens me with the tools here how many TG folk go into prostitution, get HIV+ and do other nasty things, and just abuse them selves, some I feel should not transition have further issues. I became self aware, and accepting at the cost to my personal life, finical security, collage grant, friendships, loved ones, and the Houston TG community and GLBT community as a whole. Fucking up my life.

I sadly even though the severity out here Miss Houston, friends, places, loved ones, those who care, and well yada yada yada.

I met a girl who reminded me of my former neighbor whom I bitched about often, who even though she was wrong sometimes, and used me. (I know I'm a sucker) I saw a young version of her, an exact fucking twin I kid you not. Balh.

I also met twins of various bartenders, sponsors, friends of bill w, lambda center, and other folks I encountered during my path to self-awareness and enlightenment.

I met twins to others and women form Lamba center, Men from Lamba center, met someone at the marina dock, and alano club who has ties to Houston and knows Lamba Center and The Post Oak Club. Wow small world fist meeting at the marina dock, and I run into a meeting where the topic, story and speaker brings up Space City wow, small world on big family of friends of Bill W.

One of the guys who assaulted me had ties to Houston, it goes on and on. I am enjoying the filming of milk and the riots and start of the GLBT movement while keeping my appointments this week, next week and to infinity and beyond, with kindness, charity and life and love I grow to my true inner self, turn the bitch switch off and find inner peace, joy, love, my true self and enlightenment and most of all Happiness and Zen.

The birds here are huge the seagulls, and the pigeons are out of control, its illegal to feed the pigeons in San Francisco, in fact doing such is a Class C Midomonier or ticket misdemeanor with the city of san Francisco penal code.

Its important to notate I will get a back payment, and other issues and affairs I am dealing with while becoming established with the new me, and gaining control of the inner bitch and true self, and the lost strange little girl trapped inside my soul, lost at sea slowly becoming more and more at peace with my self.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

12/03/07

As of late my teachings of buddism and studys I shall take a day this week to rest study and not have any contact to bring me closer to a higher power this week. I shall be alive and well but only be in spirt and enlightment for a bit of a time Please keep me in your hearts minds and body and soul.

In other news, the idot maybe got the message tonight, and someone else also learned more. I also have a crush or two and have grown more and more and more. I want nice things, I want peace, joy and love but am bedazzled as to how to do this, or higher power or faith maybe this will.

In other news check out the last concert cafe and other points I bring to speak more and more,

Go around here to there, and mind over matter. Just Do it.

I have some items I am working on, and turing to phone off and disconneting for the world for 24 hours to bring peace, I chose the learn the real world and my true self. And the next direction into inner peace. And I shall not panic.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

being greatful and faithful

11/17/07

The discovery of myself, and awareness of life zen and stupidity and old vs new, for example climbing parking lot curbs with my 4x4 at 3am is stupid and dangerous and careless, and disregardful for myself and others.

Old vs new and cause and effect. Maybe I am to much into myself, to stuck up into me, me ,me and less observant of my own selfish actions, words and reactions and poor transgressions and vampire addictive personality of myself and others and the reality is the world is not all about me, but more about inner peace, and faith and zen and the art of self-acceptance and awareness.

I compose this inside a establishment of choice and self-awareness, of what I once was, who I was before, than and who I have grown into after my birthday and inner peace.

I have a goal in mind, and tasks I desire to finish within myself and inner peace. I however have been disrespected badly here and need to more peace

I also discovered more about life, and zen and a spiritual experance with-myself and who, and what I am as a individual and self-growth. I know I don't miss what I was like pre moving to Texas, pre drunk (in some regards) drunk and not sober, and who I was like than and now. I know I miss parts of my old self, but also Learned a lot and over came my homo and gender phobias, and did not do it sober, overcame a lot of religious issues, blew off folks who tried to help, cared and loved but I blew away.

I know I am a goof ball, a fuckup and asshole and cold hearted bitch and can be kind and giving and do the right thing and do the good thing, by myself, others and loving life and being alive inside my soul. Sort of. I feel folks treat me right to a degree of sorts, but also some do not, some falter and sucker some fail poorly.

I had a great night tonight, and good dinner, at the restraint with Cathy F and a good meeting and ate to much spicy garlic and onions and have heartburn and had a good nights rest and took care of my issues. And feel better I have paper work tomorrow, and copy's to make later have a 10 year challenge to grow into.

I have plans goals and even some sacrifice to archive those goals later, I know what I want what I had. I talked to Michelle, and understand that I pissed off people who did care, and understand what I must do with living amends, I am lucky I never did the wild sex, the illegal drugs or got any diseases from poor choices thats what I am grateful for.

I am grateful that I never caught any diseases, did illegal drugs or did the sex in large numbers. I am grateful not to have any felony's or duis, I am grateful to be alive.

I am grateful to be about and alive and what I do have sobriety, my truck, a few nice things, a bright future, and the power to say now, and a roof over my head, wonderful friends and a wonderful sponsor.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

11/12/07

I told my neighbor last night that I accdiently had her food that feel out the bag when the drunk homeless guy almost called a accident, lately ive been a bit bitchy goddess of the universe type feeling when I am sick I am well brutally honest.

I slept most of today with my nasty sinus infection and committed to melanie I will do the mhmra and my sponsor before thanksgiving as a result of not going today I committed to go tomorrow and forfeit our appointment or see if she can squeeze me in later in the week, kathy has been a good 2^nd sponsor for me tomorrow I pick up my 4 month chip.

My neighbor was honest with me even though it upset me. I was honest and I am becoming more honest, and grateful and kind and less attention whoreish and working on myself. I abused myself. Yesterday some drunk guy was driving down weigh when I went out to get more medicine and well chased after me he didn't like I called him a drunk and a few obscenity and remarks, today some guy was talking on the phone and I was selfish and pissed him off and he opened my trucks door and avoided a fight.

I know I am kind and more conservative and nice, and well want something more. I have leared forgiveness and ray and I see more and more on issues. And I talked to hima bit tonight. I hope I can repair damage I have done. But I have to fix the cobwebs in my brain.

I have committed to leave here at some point my dream is in science and engineering and Information tech. I want to maybe get a A+ certification before I leave here, get working at good grocery store whole foods has good gender incigve policy's. It my plan, eventfully maybe transfer so the bay area go back to school more, or possibly move to DFW or Austin. I have friends in other areas.

I uploaded some more content to my site, also talked to my neighbor and have more well honesty even if maybe all along I was angry at myself and selfish in my own twisted way. I don't sleep much anymore I resent not taking justice, but also Have decided against as much as I wanted to take the law into my own hands regarding victor, john, henry, carl, henry, james, elmadeans mistreatment of me. In the end they got their own shit. Elmadean went to jail, john got fired, and james got busted also.

The others will get it one day, just not from me. I have to learn to live, trust and go back to casual conservative me and I left a lot in that apartment behind due to not wanting to put up with the abuse, my safe place is my truck, thats my zone I don't like to stay at home just because my home and my truck has been well taken from me to speak.

I want a roomies, but no pets I want someone to be at home and cuddle with but not a big fluffy pet. My neighbor and I have become closer and she confided and me and I did in her, I might take her to a meeting now and than. I just need my solitude at the present. I hope I can make a living amends, I have sort of changed habits to move away from areas not wanting to run into people I have wronged even though I know I will sooner or later when my power gives me such.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Being humble and faithful

11/10/07

The truth is today, went to the olive garden, rested and slept well most of the day. I didn't use any sudafed today or use any cough stuff. The bug seems to have passed me. I met with my new sponsor at lambda. Went to the 8pm meeting sat with my sponsor. And my higher power had it someone that works at mhrma is going to pull some strings for me.

I am feeling better about myself and my soul. I find it odd I have tasks and chores I no longer enjoy, I don't enjoy preforming preventive maintenance on my truck but I do it. I have so many chores, I need to do but cant.

I ran into taxi bill last night when I went to purchase some light bulbs for my safety inspection, I might need a rear brake job soon and new tires also. I was honest and have capacity to be honest. I am terrors ed of large packs of black males and has panic males.

I want to transition and be in a supportive working ennvormine, and I kept my promise to my wonderful therapist at montrose counseling center, my sponsor is going with me to the elegablity center. I hurt badly but admit my faults in honesty. I had to brake a commitment last night with the HATCH kid I give a ride home sometimes, some drunk guy left a foul odor in my house.

I have to draw and paint a picture of a safe place for me., My safe place is my truck, a bar or my mini storage. I will never get over the bad things they did to me victor, henry, john, enrique, james, elamadean, carl. But I can let go and put what ever happens regarding their abuse to me at wal-mart #3296 and my old apartment on hayes road, outside the beltway near briar forest and wilcrest behind me.

I fear living, and living in reality due to the horrid, verbal, physical, emotional and sexual abuse they committed to me. I have committed to remain here and deal with my issues for the moment, and hope I can repair damage I have done. And ask for a handout and maybe get a gold card, and my future is uncertain. I get 4 months sober on Tuesday.

I also cooked a little recently, and I am very scared of reality but I will be ok and have someone I trust now, maybe I opened up, Maybe I was humbled out of resentment and can see forgiveness and be honest. Maybe Ill be loved, maybe even Ill make living amends or other amends with my current sponsor.

I miss things but also Like the future and one day at time. I think people still care otherwise Id be in prison, dead or based on nasty things and death threats I made to others I would have my ass locked up.

I hate being at home, Id like to be able to live life and not have to feel so crash pad and out of the suitcase again. I want to live, and love and have faith again. And its close again and that scares the shit out of me but also makes me happy the pain is going to end soon. I'm going to get better.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Life daily affirmations, self discovery, zen and the art of soberity in the lone star state and my postive affiramtiod and further self-discovery

10/28/2007

I remember tonight some revelation. I crossed paths Saturday night with the girl I lost my virginity to whom is also transgender it was bad, I felt dirty and disgraced, but she had grace again. She appeared to be sober, good and doing well and had worked on her transition and blended in quite well.

I also at Taft street met a girl who was nice to me, but appeared to be using meth, and doped up and was using. I also crossed paths with a few other people to whom I had wronged. I made my choices and accept defeat, I conversed with someone That I need to be stone butch and stand my ground to achieve my goals, I accept I am in Houston till at least feb 2008 with traffic court, I have been thinking of going back into the work force, and altering my appearance slightly to achieve the goals but not cut my hair, but maybe alter wardrobe slightly.

I also discovered That I crossed paths with 3 other people whom were mtf or ftm in matter or sorts here in space city, one told me to admit defeat like I did with my drinking and go to mhmra. I talked to GM more recently, I feel badly for her and what is going on with her, but I must focus on myself. I have almost 4 months and I was a bitch to my sponsor this weekend and feel poorly.

I also am going to go to the center on Monday, and see Melanie morrison on wed oct 31^th everyday is Halloween. And this week make my amends as well. I am going to face someone but do things right and calmly soon before Christmas I have a goal and in the back of my twised little pea brained in mind. I somewhat enjoyed Rudyard's but bars, clubs are not my cup of tea so to speak.

I linked up with a few girls whom I went to high school, with. One we rode the bus she lives close to jersey village. And another is back home who remembered my name we had homeroom together. Both were very nice to me. And I left a message with the other girl. We had a mutual friend and later one of my arch enemies chad fontnot. She was in rotc, and I always was attracted to.

I've thought and dismissed of my health to work as someone I am not. I was sort of shocked to meet her more recently she seems to be nice, and I liked her cute nose. Though she has to work a bit more on the manners and voice. I remember our time together and it was awkward same as with gm and why I must not allow myself to become to close to people whom don't understand me.

Its bad to brush off, I helped some with the lighting at lamba for the Halloween show, and visited primary purpose. And Friday night went and viewed the stuck up cult in the infamous wal-mart church and the cult leader impersonal, cash cow Joel olstean and barbie doll bitch wife. And the stuck up folks that worship at that location. Just to ego and stuck up the same lakewood church that did not open its doors to Katrina evacs due to new carpet and that segregates based on gender, and the more traditional role and is not much better than the Mormon church or quanilly x with the waste and haste of folks money whom get suckered into such a group.

Not that I am not christen, or believe in jesus, or amen or the father in heaven but the evangelism, there is ungodly and people stuck up, Joel olsten will one day be outed much like other mega churches and jimmy swaggert for the fraud that is in greenway plaza.

In other news, I ate a bunch of junk food today, the desire to consume is bad but I am copeing. At home alone. Talked to Jennifer, and brand, as well as left messages for others.

I also worked on my website, have tasks on Monday, and a tour of the kroger plant on thrusday, therpey on wendsday. And church in the morning, I might go seek out the lakewood cult experance out of irony, but don't feel the spiritual in there just the greed of overprice Jesus halough for dummies, and idiots that by his wife nice clothes, the bmw, the learjet etc and Joel is tailored suits, and the hummer.

I'm not in the mood, I also saw a few other people, and clarity is setting in more, and have allowed my stubborn inner bitch to achieve Zen and seek defeat. I need to find a group to hang with that I like and stick with it though I have yet to find that.

People are wrong about ellciasea and taft street its a community of folks that evolve more and more while not the rainbow crowed still they grow around the folks there. I don't like most glbt activism or groups, even though I am part of it I just want to exist as my inner women and community groups like hacs, tats etc are well mannered as is christen and others, its about existing something you can only do for you, like the zoo and freak show.

I remembered more detailed a wrong I did someone I tailed and committed some property crime against out of revenge when I was drinking and partying and I am going to make amends when the time is right and admit the wrong when I have corrected my charter, physical and mental defects of my life.

I met someone tonight whom revered to the person I lost my virginity to as a he, or it or holy shit what the fuck, after I was going to do them a favor I left my house and place in huge and massive disgust and shame at the lack of awareness of us being women, not shims, trannys, trans-women but fucking women.

I also at taft street crossed paths with a girl whomI met on the street that hit on me and red me similar at a highit in my life before sinking into the slums of the shitholes. In the world. Who spoke about the manner and I remembered more of the pain I covered up.

I am grieving but know what I need to do, I know I need to find myself again sober. I remembered a lot about myself and I drank so hard to cover up, GM helped me tonight to see that I need not be so crucial of others that care and want to help but to face the inner bitch and accept I don't have control over others but have control over myself. Blah. Hogwash religion factors, and the hate and narcism grows once again.

Everything I remember thought I knew about the world, Houston and life was and is and continues to be wrong, and I have for the past 2.5 – 3 years suppressed it with drinking and more. I have to promptly admit defeat, and despair and go and shall seek help, and compassion and seek to further myself, life and grow and prosper more and more. Live and grow more to continue to progress into life and Zen as my trueself.

I remember why I started drinking in the first place, to suppress my feelings, reality and coming out. I have very morbid clarity at how wrong I was and the wrongs I committed to myself, others and the world. I was wrong and I admit defeat, stubbornly but nor the less I do.

I know I can not serve others now just myself, I need to be more graceful and prosperous in myself, and life. I have to continue to grow into Zen and myself. I know what I must do even though I haven't done it. I saw someone this weekend from my old end of town, west-chase, spring branch, town and country center. Someone and a few people I liked, old crushes and growth. I urn for Zen and continuing to prosper into myself.

I remember who I am and why I hurt, because I was wrong, afraid, homophobic, and most of all feared my true self. I admire the person during one of my rare occasions I lowered my standards is clean and sober and doing well and happy. How much I had well not remembered. And how long ago that was, my ingression and confessional.

I also care so much about myself, given I have to be right before I can right others rather than myself. Ill find plans or something to do, but I will remain sober. I am spiritually, emotionally, and physically a strong person, know my boundaries, and smart, and grateful for what I do have, life sobriety, my truck, and a roof over my head and renewed faith in living not existing.

I'm going to face the inner bitch, go where I nust, and get the god damn tax forms on my own this week. And have contact with folks I desire not to have contact with. Even though I already knew that what was missing, and go tour the plant and workplace where I desire to continue to progress and grow.

I today visited the Covenant church today and well it was sort of ok, I like ellicica as well as the Unitarian church and the metropolitan community church but have yet to find myself, or where I fit in or am loved and accepted maybe I don't want to be loved, I have trouble letting go of the hurt and pain inside.

I also saw the blind guy, whom looks like he is cleaning up, saw also the person whom da-ja-vu again. And remembered more about myself I think but don't know much anymore. I don't know where love or the love is anymore.

I also love myself and discover that capricorns. I also love myself and home and enjoy the cool Texas nights and wonderful glorious weather we are experanceing in south east corner and the gulf region of the lone star state. A meeting might be in spiritual order this week. I also discovered something else I made peace with someone I wronged and propmpy changed and are continuing to access my defects and work on my faults even though its not about me. I learned that in church, you have to have balance of power and work on my drama, narcism and bullshot. Something that sponsoring and helping someone out, to whom I still feel very attached to cant deal with her mis management of my life or mine. I must be selfish to reactive persona spirituality and Zen or inner peace as you will.

I've begun reading and singing again, and not sweating the small things and faults in life. It saddens me the shame I have brought to my name and dishonor, but I am grateful to be alive and discovering things I might normally not discover.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

my feelings and postive thoughts, affermations, and not being a selfless bitch today

10/24/07

My wonderful sponsor wants me to write daily about things to be grateful for. I am grateful to have a wonderful therapist, to be sober, and not be getting in trouble. Working my very painful list of those I have wronged. Working on myself, tax, debit, job hunting and faceting my very much pain and starting over toward transition and boasting my fragile confidence, and inner soul.

I met someone whom is also trans and we care a lot about each other from out of town but in the lone star state, I am hurting very badly with the pain.

I am glad, to have sobriety, a roof over my head, a truck and people who care, and some who care and had to let go of me for ethical reasons, their own sanity, and also because of bad self-distractive actions to myself, and others out of personal safety and the greater good of a community as a whole.

Hopefully they will contact me to make amends, or fate will bring it. But I am actually shy, quiet and laid back. I am learning a lot about myself. Or think I am.

I ate a stuffed salsa , jalapeno veggy wrap today, and had a baked potato. In other news. I e-mailed my father today. And send brand the ghost stuff for haunted Houston when she keeps on trucking. Talked to Jennifer late last night.

And prayed and cleaned house, My neighbor has been missing for almost a week, I never knew how much I missed her, and oddly enough a tire and rim showed up. I wonder what the fuck is going on if she moved out, or is drinking or using drugs. I hope she is ok.

I've been thinking about GM lately, wondering if she is still sober. But I need to be alone,I have been saving my chips for her. I think about her a bit. We became to close to fast.

I also went to two meetings today one at lambda, another at primary porpoise. And hung outside at Taft street today. And mailed some packages and sent some bills off and did some job hunting.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

My life and discovery today and beyond

I alsohad my name removed from the church records

Saturday, October 20, 2007

my life in houston

10/20/07

The growth of myself, and I am working the 4ht step and inventory

> 2. When you are ready to make a beginning on your fourth step, remember
> there is no hard or fast rule. You should, however, end up with three
> lists; among them would be a list of resentments of people, institutions or
> principles, including the reason why you are angry. Page 65 in the Big Book
> is a good layout to follow, but don't get confused (which I did) about the
> actual wording. Stick with your own life. Then if you need help, I will
> help you figure out what part of your life each item of the list has an
> affect on, such as self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal and sex
> relations.
>
> Another list would be one of your fears, with no resentment in
> connection with them.
>
> A third list will be to review when and how, and in just what instances
> did your selfish pursuit of the sex relation damage other people and
> yourself? Page 52 in the Twelve and Twelve will help with this (second
> paragraph).
>
> That's about it Lee, for now, except let me refer you to p. 46 in the
> Twelve & Twelve, beginning with the middle paragraph and finishing to the
> end of p. 47. This will give you a heads up on the reasons most people have
> a hard time with the fourth step, including moi.

Thats the attachment after the meeting with my sponsor today. In other news, I have opened myself up more to understanding and acceptability and well being more open and less bitchy, but I don't like crowds even though My narcissism ego. I don't want to add more to the above list, till I am able which for the most part I don't think is a good idea I have IRS and other matters to attend to. I am focused on leavening given My view is not good here, and I have damaged my reputation beyond repair here, which even If it is repairable, I want nothing to do with my own kind, or other trans gender folk. I find most disgusting and regardless, I find drag queens, transsexual hookers and escorts more disgusting and even cross dressers equity repulsive.

I crossed boundaries and have a very long list of things to write, the problem is well the memories are coming back bad. I remember at one time I had a friend of mine tail, or run a plate number etc. for my own mischievous purposes or install a gps tracking device, and even had bugged a room in a building, or slashed tires the hate of myself and insecurity and demon. I want to be good and kind again, the anger was inside myself and at myself and I wasn't ready and I am uncertain how to preside but I plan to do step 4 very honestly and passionately and other means.

In other news I got a bit done today, and worked on some issues and have a drive outside the city for some personal affairs in the morning or tomorrow and Monday I have much to bring to my un-manageable tasks here in Houston before leavening for San Fransisco ideally, next fall winter 2008 before new years hopefully before Halloween or thanksgiving to start my life over in one year where I can have a clean slate and fresh start after I work on my interpersonal issues and unmanagabityly.

I'm willing to go to any-eights to move even leave everything behind, not out of shame or geographic running, but because I was wrong as much as I don't like to admit, it and even if others can forgive me, I am too ashamed to ever set foot in this town again.

I did laundry today, cooked breakfast, ate dinner, went out for coffee, and went shopping for some HBA and personal products and other tasks, I might go to memorial city, and stroll the temple grounds this weekend. Its peaceful up there im trying to get NB to go with me. She would be amazed.

In other news, I had to cut off some other pain, CE number is removed from the phone book he caused me to much pain. LR I have respected her wishes and the wishes of others.

My therapist gave me some thoughts, and I have done some research on disorders and ideas. And I have accepted that I have a problem and I am working one day at time to correct it. In other news, I have some doc appointments this week with MM and JT and also do not regret my digression this weekend it was good for my karma even if out of my usual sexual pickyness I have very high standards and am overly deadpanning and had my feelings hurt even if I lowered my standards briefly.

I have to go grocery shopping ina bit, call the insurance co, update my police report for the bum that went after my truck, and do other things. I have to work on my list the list and pain of hell. And work on more and more I have made my self assessment and my sponsor is wonderful and puts up with my bitch and I just have to bring more order to my life.

I did laundry today, and went to the bank, called the folks, and DT. Left a message at MLS, and talked to PMG. Ill probably talk to DLG tomorrow. I also have to shop around for an atty for a personal and tax red tape manner, and other issues.

I am going shopping for a individualized health care plan, and have a job fair, and resume and other things to do, and to see about a service project as well. I talked to Brandi also and took care and hope she is well.

Yetserday I got to smoke a hookia and invited in the cirlcle, I was a little queezy and tonight I am a bit sick or not feeling as well as I would like to be but I am alive and well, and have much to be greatful for, blah

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Self-Reflections and enlightenment

10/11/07

It hit me today, I have a goal to reach. Sooner or later I have to face some people I don't want to. I have the day planned out, and I want to find some peace. Or meaning. I was sad today. Cried most of the night and cried myself to sleep last night. Woke up very early this morning left around 9 am and did what I needed to to do for me, spent a good part of the day crying myself.

Did my home-work. And Have to face my fears next week or sometime roughly. I hurt so bad and feel horrible today, I am remembering nasty, hateful things I did to other people, evil bad people I hung out with during my non-sobriety and other issues.

I visited VW yesterday at her shop, saw a few other folks and also met others who had worse. I remembered during one of my failed suicide attempts I saw my mother sometimes when drunk or sleeping. I have made a plan. I had plans this week and over the weekend to go to the pflag meeting and also to go to the mcc national coming out day, but honestly much as my counterpart. I don't want all that activism or community bullshit here, I never liked that I just want to be, exist be me and in enlightenment grow.

Houston, and stupid people just don't get it, in some parts of the united states people have grown out of the bullshit, petty ways, and I have a plan to get the fuck out. Ive slipped in the cracks with some of my church, coffee shop, and aa friends to make my goal grow.

I don't want to have much contact with other people, but I have gone legitimate so to speak, to more terrorism, b&e, trafficking , or doing illegal things or breaking legs. I make a poor and idiot terrorist when I am sober.

Off to therapy later, cooked a yummy veggy wrap this morning lots of onions and garlic, and chili peppers. One of my favorite breakfasts with some green chili peppers, and some of the more authentic south of the border salsa. Ive grown away from my fattening Cajun foods to more dirty hippie diets, and vegan like. I love more authentic 5000 year ago asain diet.

I need to go grocery shopping when the other thing clears, I also found a new place I like and have found enlightenment doing more genealogy research Houston has an awesome genealogy research center. Which I don't live all that far from living in between Richmond and bisonett off montrose blvd.

In other news, I talked to the folks today. Sent my friend a card. And went shopping at the army surplus store for some more shirts and undershirts. I also went to visit others. I also saw someone else to whom I disgraced a long time ago. And is from my past today in traffic on Kerby. I know I scare folks and got to see a drunk version of myself next door.

I personally find all and transgender and glbt community's and groups and lib rial groups disgusting and distasting even if I am part of it. I am a huge Hippocrates, and for years the self hate, hate of others brewed in me. I might come off as cold blooded or a trader ot terrorist.

But the truth is I have grown outside the box, even if banished. I am who I am. And if you don't like me for me, I am fucking alone and just as miscible as the next individual. And you must find enlightenment. Ive found enlightenment in being alone.

All those dumb-fucks at the latter day saint church, to whom some have been kind to me, may have found enlightenment though religion some are some of the unhappiness folks and do it because its all they know. Same as some of the battered housewives in river oaks, that cant leave without the bmw, or run the unfaithful husband over 500 times with the spoken bmw, or other issues.

I personally knew someone who went crazy even if on a bar-stool and Houston so many people go crazy in the Harris county metro area, and burn out and I joined the ranks of those individuals even if not as bad. I was lucky and chosen for enlightenment.

I grew more and more, and have grown. My sobriety approach 90 days this Saturday, I also Promised Nancy I would go visit her on her grounds at a meeting on Monday. I hope GM is still doing well and sober. Her sponsor is in a recent issues of outsmart magazine and see her sponsor at meetings. I grew to close to her to fast.

I also found something else, someone still loves me well still cares. I feel so bad for the things I did to this person. And the person still loves and understand their frustration but they are like my father.

In other news, I dreamed about driving my truck though the Midwest and up the pacific cost highway in the winter or fall my wind blowing in my hair and rugged shagged cliffs of death below. I really when I leave may wait but im going to be a CA resident before I'm 30 for collage purposes. I'm gone by next fall winter at the latest and march 2008 (unlikely) at the earlyist point. I made the choice and chose to move on more and more.

I plan to give up more to go to the SFX and get out of this hateful biggiot, redneck smog filled city. My algeris have been bothering me more as of late and Ive been depressed given Oct 13 my 90 days of sobriety is also a date of I found my mother decease. Some my not like my racial, stereotyped, or obnoxious jokes. But I don't censor myself and I'm very lib rial but also politically- incorrect but try to be sensitives to those who have to follow the politically correct stereotype.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)