The sad state of the health care system, malpractice, misconduct, trans-phobia, and progress but not prefection, and my so-called life

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Slept well, a little too well, my sickness was a huge misunderstanding and wrong medical progronosis. I also was very nervous of the possibly I may have been carrying around and spreading sickness to some individuals whom were very sick.

I also was treated poorly at San Francisco General Hospital by an X-ray tech, I contacted the Patient advocate office, as well as a legal firm to advocate on my behalf, I
t’s the second time almost a year to the day a doctor made a false prognosis, to me being a carrier to severe TB, what the fuck is up with the lacking of our health care system, and bad doctors anyway?

To make matters worse, the room where they warehouse potential infected individuals, was very warm, the environmental controls were not set properly, and I refused to sit in a room with at least one very sick individual coughing very badly in a germ filled cesspool.

I am going to be going to P0S today to pick up some things, and my big book and 12 X 12, as well as my other backpack, one bit the dust again. I also had a dream last night of my ex-partner in crime.

I also hope my friend made it back to aussie well. I had to reflash my AT&T tilt, and lost the sync cable to a pickpocket on BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) I believe. That’s one thing I don’t like about the bay area, people don’t have any standing up for themselves, or southern hospitably, and to many teachers, gangbangers, and thieves.

I received a call last night from a Support Group, which I had a disagreement, and did not repeat same mistakes in Houston, I told them I have some affairs to get in order before being considered to return, and had a nice peaceful conversation.

SKR is moving to Berkeley, and I suggested a meeting at the Berkeley AA Fellowship, which I occasionally attend. I’ve changed meetings a bit MB said hello to me on The SF Muni F Line, (I didn’t feel like the MUNI METRO subway today)

I also have had a reaction possibly to some defective cosmetics, and my face peeled, Or it could be the weather, I canceled my electro appointment today. Its burning and Im breaking out very badly, and feel nasty.
I also have to give kudos to the folks who DID treat me with respect at SF general yesterday duing the false TB scare, they were very kind and helpful toward me, and assisited me with finding the right place to file a formal complaint with discriminatory practices with health care.

I do hope President Elect Obama, keeps his promises to the Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, Queer, and Transgender community.
I also hope he is a good leader, and doesn’t allow terrorist or handles the Iraq war and middle east confulclts properly, I do worry about the war on terror under the leadership of Obama, as well as his safety with right wing nut job skinhead groups who have already made threats

before he was even elected there were attempts made on him, It would sadden me for him to be another tragedy such as JFK, I hope if the unfortunate attempt on President Obama is made, he makes out as well or better when the attempt was made on Ronald Regan, I do hope he stays safe, he is the first democratic president I voted for, and he is my president whom I voted and campained for.

I think President Bush is a dumbass for his stupid little ploy for the protected wetlands, which is a good thing but a political ploy in his last weeks in office, while I voted for him twice, and at one time was a Bush supporter.

I also think he has hurt and was wrong to Use the EPA to sue the State of California over its tough emissions standards, I was not a big believer in global warming, and envorminetllism until I lived in the most polluted, envormentally unfriendly, smog filled, city in the United States (Houston, texas)

I lot about me changed in Houston, My blood was shed, I found myself and found and lost god, and found god again, I joined the party and left it. I found my true self, at age twenty-four. I learned a lot about life and the hard kicks of life, spent some time in the dirties and nastiest county jail In Texas.

And I settled down and headed west, and found life and god and learned more about myself, and continue to do such

Ive thought of my domain TGSFO.com, and what I want to do with it. I am going to continue to set up the BBS system, and mailing list, resource database. I want to emulate it along the lines of trueselves.com ; transhouston.com ; beginning life forums ; and gender web forums as well as a resource and referral listings that the SF GLBT center has.


It’s a project in progress which I don’t have much time for at the present moment, perhaps Ill start decanting a weekend at the Berkeley Public Library, which I find to be very relaxing the downtown branch on the 2nd floor. I also find the SF Main Liberia sixth floor room to be drama and riff raff proof the special collections room.

This weekend, I saw Mike and Woody get into a bottle fight in the Safe Way parking lot and SFPD respond, I wish they would get into a treatment program, I saw one junkie get so wasted his leg rotted off and he was so crippled, I hope he got help or something I hope he didn’t die. I have seen many sad things, and stories and tales of addiction in The bay area.

I hope god willing our woman of Safeway does not restart the coffee service. That will bring the meeting into utter chaos, lately vie been a bit angry, and lost and distracted. I am working on that, I am aware my defects of charter and selfishness can make me unpleasant to be around.


It took me years of pain to learn patience, which by no means am I perfect, and to be able to let go of the past and make progress. I suppose I spent part of my life angry at the world, god, found god for the wrong reasons as a religious cure for all, than lost it because I picked the one of the most anti GLBT religions to convert to.
I carried anger around, and built it up and dove into projects such as computer gaming, tried to be someone I wasn’t. Almost married once in Texas. I also did cars, and was selfish, sexist, dominating, and pigheaded.

I took others advice, and suggestions as insults anger and resentments. I did nasty things to people who cared, and followed my father’s example in drowning in my sorrows of barrooms, tailgating and falsity wonderland, with lies, deception and using folks.










Gratitude List
1.) Grateful for friends and family\
2.) Grateful to have left the south
3.) Grateful to have president elect Obama taking office soon.
4.) For the wonderful foggy damp san francisco weather I love so much
5.) For having a wonderful sponsor


The List
1.) Pick up backpack, 12x12 + big book
2.) Check Mail
3.) Send documents to DLG
4.) Follow up with Transgender Law Center, NCLR + San Francisco general hospital
5.) Do homework for sponsor
6.) Call SF School of bartending, put down payment
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Thursday, November 13, 2008
Slept well last night, doing laundry today, also going to work on brining LEEMCG.COM up to the new server and make a custom 404 error page. Im reinstalling some of the server modules, and extensions. I also have to bring up a few other things
I talked to Clair Fairly, and saw Jenna, at the TLGB center; I also spoke to someone and have a follow up leads to do. I worked on some issues with my program, I need to get out more and around, and will start working on that. I found something possibly a 3rd love interest in San Francisco, I don’t want to get my heart broken again, I’ll take things slower this time, without the U-Haul Metaphorically speaking.
Furthermore, I continue to grow as an individual, my heart is in Information Tech, but Non Profits are where I want to be or a civil servant. I admire those who serve the public trust, and do good deeds where a lot of need is to be done in San Francisco.
I’ve managed to dodge some of the common pitfalls some individuals make here off and on, But continue to grow, after laundry today I have a drop or two to make as well. I also have other things I need to do at POS, and issues and logistics to iron out.
Moreover, I need to be less outgoing and annoying, and also work on my social issues, and trauma, and pain and agony in my heart. Somewhat I am reluctant to let go of manners, it’s what keeps me motive and such a hard worker and push myself so hard.
I think I am going to start volunteering someplace, and I took an orientation someplace, I also have some files to back up as well (Think DVD-R & DVD+RW)
Furthermore, I have been thinking of life, myself and where I want to be in a few years, I am going to cut some areas out but also keep some, I’ve also thought of some finical matters, and my fathers hatred of me, but also love, even if obscure.
I have séance moved on, I have been having much delight in my progress with my electrosist whom has been working wonders, I have about half way where I need to be and it helps a lot,
I also am tired of facing persuction, based on other TG folks actions, demeanor and hate and think most transgender folks in this city have other issues to iron out, and showing your 5 o’clock shadow is fucking disgusting.
For example threes this one girl whom we dislike each other dearly, she pisses like a fucking man in a women’s bathroom, in public city government owned building and I have witnessed her do this many times before , private that’s just fucking nasty and disgusting. One time I was shaken down due to something she did in a public building and proudly displayed my F Drivers License to a law enforcement officer that was responding to complaints of “men dressed as women harassing in the bathroom”
Whom this officer, took me for a “witness lineup” which I was cleared of doing “obscene sexual acts ”and committing “criminal trespass” and “various sex crimes” the fact that SFPD hates TG folks or some of them do, I don’t blame them for stereotypes, given the trash they have to put up with.
If I was a cop, Id problem just be as pissed off with queers, trans-women, homeless and all the shit SFPD has to put up with in bay view, the tenderloin, hunters point, the mission and just law enforcement bullshit amongst them selves, and as a cop day to day. Its why I like cops in general, seriously I would love to date a really butch cop.
But I’m always nice, and avoid law enforcement interactions as much as humanly possible, and they for the most part respect me, and I’ve been told by one sometimes “bad things happen to nice good people”
Its interesting and fascinates me to see the generation gap in Law Enforcement and how the treat and deal with Transgender women, we are lucky to have someone as the president of the police commission such as commissioner sparks which by the way is a Trans-woman. Whom I bump into on occasion, on the street, in the Castro, pacific heights, and even inside a police station when I was filing a report or going to with someone to file a report as a friend of bill Wilson
Another Example of disgusting transgender behavior, is voice pitch, demeanor, and mannerisms, it’s no wonder this disgusting woman or so called woman, who had a drug and drinking problem and violates he body by having sex with men.
I don’t understand how (pre-op) Transgender women could disgustingly sleep with yuck Boys, I have my orientation but Like trans-men, at least we have something in common, and trans-women (post-ops) and women. Nevertheless, I do not use women’s places of scanty nor have I ever sold my body, nor done illegal drugs.
The other point is when I drink or go out there which today is sixteen months as of 7-13-2007 when desperate for a solution I walked into the doors of Lambda Center in Houston, Texas. Furthermore, It’s a mile stone one day at a time, this January I will have 18 months sober, and also be celebrating my twenty eighth natal birthday.
Furthermore, I have not had any nightmares but have a topic to discuss with my therapist today regarding my Post-Traumatic Stress. I have an issue to discuss with her about something I noticed about myself and a way to relax and some part of my trauma that’s affecting my day to day life.
I have a love interest possibly, that’s puzzling me and how that relates to my recovery more about this later.
Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to be alive
2.) Grateful to have folks with something in common, and my our lady of safe way fellowship
3.) Grateful to be myself
4.) Grateful to be in San Francisco
5.) Grateful to be emotionally secure
6.) Grateful to have a sponsor
7.) Grateful to have food, clothing, shelter and money in the bank
8.) Grateful to have my basic needs met
9.) Grateful to be in control of my life
10.) Grateful to be secure in myself

The list
1.) Meeting
2.) Do homework
3.) Make mental note to acquire file cabinet for space
4.) Make note to FedEx items to DLG plus X-Mass Gifts
5.) Laundry
6.) Perform research for clients
7.) Continue to grow and let people in
8.) Pray to my own personal goddess
9.) Write letter to San Francisco Chronicle
10.) Work on e-mail, website, leemcg.com, banking, payments, improving my life

It also soon marks a 6 months séance becoming legally female, in some retrospects, and other mannerisms. I still have a long way to go. In addition, going legit is hard; I see why the power, money, fortune, fame, and my sickness is what got me here.

By golly! I would not have it any other way for I am Leigh McInnis Gaetjens
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

10-9-2008
Slept rather splendid last night, awoke at 3ish this morning, showered was read for my day, Became well rested good today. I also talked to my wonderful therapist about things in my life; the medication for the PTSD seems to be working, rather well.
Went to a 7am meeting at the Alano club did not have any nightmares last night.

Furthermore, I spoke to some friends in town, and did some contacting, yesterday I cried a good part of the day, and listened to led zeppelin, Billy Idol, The Cure, Depeche Mode, Ministry, Ramones, White Zombie, Brooks and Dunn, and Little Texas grieving to my grandmother’s death.

I miss Texas, I miss Houston, and I miss Corinne and others from 3296. I wonder if the big bad wolf is still happening. My life is unmanageable and in shambles, I also hope one day I am able to rejoin my foes, and those I scared In the Houston Texas TG Community with my drinking, I am finding that as I gain sobriety, I am more afraid when shit happens and want to be less attention whoreish.

To futherstate, things the power of resentment, I understand my guilt and shame of my true self, and the power of my hate and hate of victor, john, Enrique, Carl, elm dean, tine, James, Henry are killing me inside.

Furthermore, be allowing the anger, blood and resentment and the desire for vigilantism. Moreover, I allow them to win by allowing the resentment to live, it needs to go in my god box and my own personal Jesus, and may they rot in HELL!!!

I need restraint of computer, word, and tongue, is the best option, Intellectually I can comprehend that but it’s difficult to get over the anger of my hate crime that the bastards I listed above, that the FBI nor the United States Government only certain, state, local, and county governments reluctantly accept transgender individuals with legal rights, protections.

I am controversial which is why I publish my blog, website and domain, to show the daily struggles, keep a life online, and show the world we are not that different from integration of African Americans.

I wish the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints would allow us, rights and equity and understand how many GLBTQ members end up committing suicide.





Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to be sober
2.) Grateful to have folks who care about me in New Orleans, Houston, Dallas, Austin, San Francisco, Oakland, and Berkeley.
3.) Grateful to have a spiritual awakening
4.) Grateful to be near my father martin Clark Gaetjens
5.) Grateful to be in San Francisco
6.) Grateful for my wonderful therapist
7.) Grateful to be working a good program
8.) Grateful for the opportunity in the long term to build a bond with my father.


I also got a card for Saint Anthony’s a green card that works well, due to the prior harassment and idiots in the line there. I have been working and am close to finishing my IRS Issues, and will be able to attend City Collage of San Francisco in the near future; I need to call the advisor I was working with.

Furthermore, I discovered more about myself and continue to grow and prosper. I also work a good program, continuing to grow as an individual

Talked to the theprsit about my anger, and resentment and my transition and other issues. I also spoke to a few other individuals. My back has been hurting more so lately. I’m hanging tough she also suggested san Mateo county or Costa contra county. I might like San Jose, they have a pretty good center there and community but it’s Not San Francisco But I’d have my Truck and the Cal train and maybe eventfully a bicycle into the city.

Another thing to be grateful for is not being so angry all the time, as if I used to be. I have









Friday, October 10, 2008

Slept good last night, some women where I live brawled, the other thing was I received a call from Larkin street youth services, which was amusing. They want me to interview for a youth councilor position.

For those of you who don’t know. Larkin Street is a nonprofit that works with youth who are 12-1under 25 but also is well known for working with youth 18-under 25 whom runs away from home due to being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or queer. That’s their primary clientele, they also work with substance abuse, former foster care kids, and a lot of kids from Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama.

Furthermore, they are well known for their work with transgender youth. They are similar to covenant house run by catholic charities. Furthermore, it is an entry-level position, which I plan to attend City College and get a MSW, or become a LMT and continue to work in this field given it’s something I understand, and I get to help the next generation on their road to transition.

Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to have this opportunity for employment in tough times
2.) Grateful to be sober
3.) Grateful to be aggressive in bettering my life, and assertive and more secure in self.
4.) Grateful to have friends, family and individuals that care about me both locally and in two other states
5.) Grateful to be out, proud but censored and settled down.
6.) Grateful in the long term to be able to build a relatshinship with my father in San Francisco
7.) Grateful to be In San Francisco
8.) Grateful for my wonderful therapist
9.) Grateful to be alive
10.) Grateful to have a program
11.) Grateful to have my own personal Jesus
12.)





















--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Had a semi productive day, defragged the servers HDD, and did some routine naissance on my system. Continued to grow as an individual met someone special this morning, as well. Attended High noon today, went out a bit, have some employment things to do for clair.
Also might have a very very good lead on a place in the east bay which makes me very happy given its Berkeley as well. Or south Berkeley near the pacific center which is a double woot,
Furthermore, and sadly My grandmother was taken off the venletor today, and slowly quit breathing, as her body shut down. I miss her, dearly, but know shes looking after me above.
Furthermore, I wonder if she was in an in-between state. As I was on January 26, 2007 when I had a spiritual experience. Moreover, made changes in my life, and self-reformed my life.
I also could have ousted someone today, but didn’t. I also am going to attempt to converse with an individual whom I think should stand up for herself in more of a degree, but learned enjoying the séance is more progressive to Trans-Phobia sometimes, not every battle should be won.
Nor, is every battle worth fighting for, even if its hate.
I as of late struggle to get and let go of my inner terror, and demons and trauma. I also wonder if I will ever have a live and be secure again, I have a plan for some spirituality in my self today, perhaps I could be productive for myself.
Ive been locking individuals out, and being alone, and that’s just not cool. But I can’t have fun or enjoyment, I feel empty, lost and meaningless.


Gratitude List
1.)I am grateful for to be able to work on coping with pain and loss of my grandmother
2.) I am grateful to be sober
3.) I am grateful for clothing, shelter, and food
4.) I am grateful to have made amends with my grandmother before she died
5.) I am grateful to have reached out back to Houston or attempted to.
6.) I am grateful to have family, friends in San Francisco, Houston, Dallas, Austin, New Orleans, Berkeley, and Oakland whom care about me.
7.)I am grateful to attempt to overcome past trauma, and transgressions

Accountbality
1.) Mail
2.) Applications
3.) Meetings
4.) Greif
5.) Spiritualiy
6.) Application and security for inner self
7.) Job hunting, and follow-ups
8.) Morning
9.)
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Kick Start my Faith and own personal jesus, and grattuide of life of 27 years young

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Slept good last night had a very hot shower this morning went to bed around 5pm, woke up at 3am, very recharged and refreshed today. Went walking this morning, burned some fat, going to take care of something difficult in the next few days.
Glad to still be sober, Ill post more about my experience it further involves the San Francisco Police commission, perhaps Ill even get to meet infamous Teresa sparks( again I met her a few years ago before she was president of the commission at pride), whom I admire and have followed her carrier for a long time.

Yet part of me is missing, I find it difficult for gratitude. I find it difficult to readjust to a normal civilian life, but its easier. I don’t want the drama of my past.

Just thinking of some of the famous individuals, I have met and shook hands with I’ve lived a respectable life so far the past 3-4 years of my life have been fast paced, with its ups and downs, drama, fear, horror, good choices and bad mistakes and poor judgment.

Interesting observations & current projects
Sometimes when Out and about, people out me as a transsexual woman, or a shim. Or whatever. Ill be posting my Bay Area shit list of trans-phobia individuals, businesses and other groups, or public service wall of shame. That’s sure to be some pride and un-censorship the database I am working on for my personal project. And its bound to piss a few people off, which doesn’t bother me, fuck yeah bring it on.

In the other factor I

1.) Bill white Mayor of Houston and former Entergy secretary under Bill Clinton
2.) Mayor Ray Nagin Mayor Of New Orleans
3.) Phyllis Frye famous transsexual atty. And lobbyist.
4.) Monica Lewinsky who gave bill Clinton one of the most famous blow jobs, I met her at a book signing
5.) Ray Hill famous for his bust of the dog food scandal, and the supreme court ruling (Houston v. Hill) which abolished “interfering with police procedure” which was often used to harass media, protesters, etc.
6.) Sgt Julia Oliver HPD who works in 911 emergency operations center in Houston emergency management Famous Transsexual Police Sgt
7.) Teresa Sparks President of the San Francisco Police commission famous transsexual police officer that does internal affairs
8.) President Bush (both of them) during storm recovery work
9.) Elder former president bush during Katrina recovery
10.) Former President Clinton doing during Katrina recovery
11.) Senator Clinton before she ran for president I met her during recovery operations
12.) Chelas Clinton in San Francisco once doing service work, I shook her hand
13.) Massena Davis director of the San Francisco Transgender Law center
14.) Lawrence as in (Lawrence-v-Texas) whom outlawed anti-some laws and gay sex or danced in Harris County Texas by the Untied States Supreme Court when George W Bush was running for office.
15.) Gavin Newsom Mayor of San Francisco 2 years ago I shook his hand in city hall when visiting San Francisco as a tourist
16.) Tom Delay former crook and mixed up in the Enron scandal in the court House in Houston
17.) Ken Lay former coo of Enron in the courthouse in Houston
18.) Andria Yates once in the Jail when I worked as a vendor & contractor inside
19.) Clarian Harris Once when In the Harris County Jail when I worked as a contractor and vendor inside
20.) Various seniors, and elected officials council members and others in the Texas political scene when I used to go to democratic and republican fundraisers when I drank, I can’t think of them all, in better times, and also heavy drinking and when I used to make border runs foolishly as a coyote, and a firearms smuggler and even sometimes worked for elected officials in dirty political deeds ( I sometimes solved problems, or ruined a few people) views which I retain anonminity about my shady contacts. I got out that line of work and retired.


Yet despite not being anyone noteworthy, but likening money, power, influence and drama, and meeting people and being kind with my southern hospitality. I am still unhappy, I feel part of me in not there or I don’t have what I want out of life, I make it, and I will survive but I feel I am in need of better, and want more and won’t give up hope, pride, power and determination.

I find I don’t want to drama, adrenaline rush even though nothing is more sexually erotic than high speed, drama, running and having fear I prefer not to have it, I choose not to.



The list for today
1.) San Francisco Police Commission
2.) Mail check and send documents to Houston & New Orleans & San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley
3.) Make doctor’s Appointment
4.) Write Letter and apply for jobs
5.) Rest, eat well lots of water, meditation and AA meeting




Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I have a plan in life
2.) Grateful that I know what I want out of life
3.) Grateful to be twenty-seven years young
4.) Grateful to be sober
5.) Grateful to have been able to be out and started my path young


--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

July 25, 2008

Lately in working with my wonderful sponsor, and support in my program. I discovered that I lashed out at my father, I may have made him so unwelcome about me. I hurt him because; I well resent him but my mother more.
I grow tired of bickering with Pat about my father and mothers differences and fear I lost him, I worked my 4th step with him perhaps I should invote him to conceling at the pacific center, he is my closest living relative and I do want to know him, which I really don’t.
I am going to Oakland today for a doctor’s appointment than a doctor’s appointment in Berkeley and to check out some other issues and things. I also am composing some documents and have files to print later.
I spoke to JJ recently he is OTR headed to Houston hauling a load for freight, he will be back in home in Portland soon, BWM is in St Paul I think now, I soon have my DMV issues to iron out, and a few other matters, I also am aiming to get my pickup truck trans-ported to san Francisco, and possibliy6 attend the Affirmation conference in Los Angeles in September, doing the boot scooting bogie.
I drove recently a mini cooper across the bay bridge and have a few other affairs to iron out as well. I spoke to a relative on a few other matters.
Talked to Valire about issues, and continue to grow into enlighten for myself, I also try to find a mentor. Around September 2008 or October 2008 I should have my 4x4 pickup truck here in San Francisco which will fucking rock.
I still don’t plan to drive much or keep my truck in the city, I have other arrangements I worked out in other counties, the bus ride on AC transit today the driver was a jerk he made a nasty comment about me being a dyke and transgender and I made a nasty comment back, I remember him he was the jerk 2 years ago who did that, the nice butch lady with glasses was not on the bus line today. He also was rude and unhelpful with directions to an out-of-towner.
I talked to CUAV about my issues, I dis trust the San Francisco Police Commission and The San Francisco Human rights commission and plan to have a unbiased 3rd party on my behalf, as a lesion to myself.
Furthermore, I have the law clinic next week at the TG law center with Ben, which should be helpful. I the name change went uncontested.
I paid another debtor recently and have taken further steps to restore my good name; I also shall get the insurance as well soon. I talked to an individual who was ex-commutated from the brays bayou ward in the 1990s for homosexuality and another in 1980s, I also met a few individuals in Castro who were Mormons.
I search for meaning, and understanding and don’t know what I belief, core values, or even what the fuck I want out of life for all to long have been around others ideals, after the electros sit today, I also have to go to the support group and the meeting. I have more tonight to achieve as well.
I also will be passing by people’s park famous site of the shooting of UC Berkeley students during a CHP “siege” of the park and riot in may 1969 that also earned former actor turned future president and donator (1969 California) Ronald Regan the nickname Ronald Ray-GUN!
I also talked to relatives today, about my health issues where are well, I am right now near the huge hill in Oakland which the wildfires were contained in 1991 many years ago. Also the site of where some childhood memories of my mother.
I don’t want my father or myself to lose each other over some egocentric power trip or the fact of my resentments toward myself, my mother and him. I was wrong, and crossed the line and admitted that to my sponsor, the 4th step is a fucking bitch, and like me also.
I also crossed the line with Christen Williams, Lilly Roddy, Phyllis Frye, Lambda Center, My father Martin Clark Gaetjens and the AC Transit Bus Driver today as well.
I hurt badly in my soul, burns with rage and anger. And misreay, I don’t want that I want some degress of sanity, I even more recently had to drift away from some individuals who mke me uncomfortable in meetings. One whom I feel stalks me somewhat per say.
I overreacted this morning I thought mike was in the meeting, and was wrong he is 86ed until further notice. Some folks on Castro street get un “86”ed from the Castro Country Club for “69”ing the manager (bad joke and totally untrue) and very serotypes.
Have to remember to pcik up some items at the store before barting back into the city, I also might take care of a few other matters as well, before that.

The reality of what I need to do for myself, life and my future is clear, just in the moment, called my sponsor today to work on some pressing issues for myself, life and future and fear of the unkown for myself, life and lack there of.

I found my own personal fucking jesus christ
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Life and the progress in San Francisco

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Slept well last night, today working on a few projects for a client, also have therapy today and a few other errands, have a few doctors appointments also, and some research to perform for myself and a few clients.

Had another nightmare last night, I figured out why it’s around the third anniversary of Katrina, talked to DT recently about Louisiana Politics, Katrina, Harvey, and crime and geographical and economic change. Also discussed becoming older, wiser, and being alone. Moreover, hurt and sick.

The past few days the San Francisco Chronicle, The Street Sheet, SF Guardian, Sf weekly have had articles about un-accountability, extreme poverty and homeless and life in general and the seeder sides of areas like SOMA. Tenderloin, Castro, mission, western addition.

My paper work is safe lucky for me, having off site digital document storage, a file room and access to a co-op and other various arrangements, laundry is on the agenda, I also am washing a few things for a client as well as some dry cleaning.

The affirmation LDS GLBT conference for Mormons is coming up or former such in September on the city of angels, a good drive down the coast, as well as some job hunting, and the fact I might have a Transgender Man or a Queer female to go with and roommate at the conference hotel, or maybe get a motel on the outskirts of los Angeles, and split fuel expenses with the trip between us, in my 4 wheel drive tailgate.

I hope things start to go through soon, which they are in partial fashion, the conference could maybe wait till next year as well.



It mind boggles that such and so many GLBT folks , and average Jill and Joes could spread so much hate and tensions in Americas most labial city is so divided and open-minded and over intellectualized. I also feel as for my own political views, and personal reasons, jail or such could be an option, I hate this country, state and would not mind pleasing no congest to a bank robbery, but no weapon, no violence and a note, and spend the rest of my life in jail for Transgender equity, deny parole and repeat over and over. I would be willing to Scarface my life for what I believe, and who I am and for others. Not even attempting to get way, I would want deportation to some place willing, I would surrender peacefully.
That is insanity and crazy talk and would likely never become a reality.

I am a noble person, honest, grateful, outgoing, and stave for independence, I talked to DT yesterday on the phone about if I ever grew old, senile or ill and lost my impedance, I don’t ever want to be in a home and have someone take care of me, financial matters or other affairs.

I also know my narcissism, pain, and drama and inner bitch is not healthy, and nor is my vigalantisim and playing the fucking victim, I even need some accountability for my own actions, life and present cirmstances.

The meeting this morning was good, mike came in again, we had two throw two people, out the police were called, and I had a bad morning, and the nightmares around the anverssy of Katrina, my recovery work on the gulf coast. Lately the nightmares are horrid. I still remeber spending time in New Orleans Pre, Post, Katrina, reliant park, minute maid park and other locations in Space city. I remeber assisting in transport of ammunition to New Orleans for The New Orleans Police Department, working search and rescure in 2005/2006 in Houston a bit for a missing child during the holidays, and also becoming and joking the drunk paaty around that time from being an al-anon.

I called my good aquances ray hill (Houston v. Hill) head of the prison show on KPFT which is occaonaily broadcast in the bay area on KPFA, came to san Francisco Jan 6, 2008 with six months of soberity lived with a friend, than lost it all when they left, I have had hard times but I am sober, and attempting to rebuild my life.

I am greatful today on
1.) Being able to express my feelings, ask for help, respect others boundaries, and also draw the line at myself
2.) Being able to deal with others sickness in a positive affirming manner
3.) Being able to do what I need to do and not bitch about it and choose to surround myself around positive individuals.

I dislike bureaucracy, government and the way of system, but I know how to work through red tape, given my customer service, leadership, and ocd, and desire for protection and being an over-achiever.

I know I try too hard, I just have so much I want to do in life, and never want to grow old, I’ll be 30 soon, but don’t look it, yada.

Anyway duty calls.









--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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San Francisco Cleaning up, No easy Answer for Reform in Troubled Times

Friday, July 11, 2008.


Questioning hate and Decimation, A Essay on Transphobia, from San Francisco to beyond, an Insight into people’s fears of the unknown and the documentation of Typical Waste of Tax Payer money in California, and San Francisco and beyond.


By Leigh McInnis Gaetjens

San Francisco is a wonderful place, equity the forefronts of the GLBT movement and the pioneering city and metro plex of the GLBT equity movement, Americas most European city.

Trans_Phobia is the result of Segregation, and degradation and Discretion of the Transgender community; peoples negative stenotypes, a few people who have no business as describing themselves as TG, and have serious mental health issues and have zero business transitioning.

We as Transgender women and men, need equal treatment not special treatment, but equal treatment, I hate when I am mistreated weather verbally, physically or emotional or mentally.
The Law applies to everyone; I just want the right to live.


Ill shares some of my life experiences at 6 months in San Francisco.
1.) In January 2008 was mugged with a knife in the film ore district, and told I can be mugged or assaulted and abused my San Francisco Police when I called for service, I was handcuffed and searched, and told they had 4 units looking for the suspect. I was integrated about drug use, protection, and warrants. (which I had none)
2.) April 2008I was mugged on the MUNI Metro and told I was problem prostituting myself on the train, and no report and the law was not enforced again
3.) May 2008 I have been lynched in a communal shower by other women with Hateful GLBT slurs, had a photo taken of me with a camria phone
4.) May 2008 - I have been verbally abused and harassed by other women when sleeping
5.) June 2008- I have had a 22-caliber handgun pulled on me, out of hate and intimidation.
6.) June 2008- I was punched in the face (In clear view of a police officer) On The MUNI / Bart Station for no apparent reason and called slurs and laughed at when I was ok.
7.) I have had a Transit cop refer to me using trans-phobic and hate speech when requesting proof of payment, refuse to take a report for the mentioned
8.) I was groped while wating for food, and laughed at
9.) I’ve been told to “get some bass in my voice and be a man” by a authority figure
10.) I’ve been told by Law Enforcement “ I can’t be raped or sexually harassed, I choose this and do this to myself, be a Man”
11.) Emergency room, upon discovering the female patient who collapsed was transgender due to stress and dehydration was treated poorly, and after signing a waiver of treatment and liability due to poor treatment, was cleaning up in bathroom, was escorted by armed security guards for trespassing in the bathroom. (I was washing the vomit off myself)
12.) I was told by an EMT, to go back where I came from, You’re not local are you the accent is from the south
13.) I was told to go back to my country (given my un-common last name) or whatever planet I came from by Law Enforcement
14.) I was told “Lee” you are a man, you do this to yourself, quit complaining you want to be a woman, but quit complains about how people treat us.
15.) I was questioned about my “alterative lifestyle” and what my “plumbing” is.
16.) I’ve been told I cant shower with women who are born women
17.) I’ve been denied sleep due to others verbally abusing me in a so-called safe place for women
18.) I’ve been told or suggested to go to a means shelter
19.) I’ve been lynched in a shower and had my picture taken, attempted to report it, and be told that Its not rape, and the police cant be called
20.) I’ve been kicked in my rib cage, and upper chest area, and groped for not “wakening up in a timely manner” and slammed into a cinderblock wall and made to face via police lineup and denied bathroom access. And only “women who are born women are allowed to use the women’s bathroom:”
21.) I was punched in the face and looked to see if I was ok, and let go, with no provocation by an individual in a BART station in front of a police officer (I was “OK” and no arrest was made)


The point is in America’s most European city and most accepting place, pain hurts progress, people resist change, in society. Historically it has been done and still struggles in areas with racial integration, sexual orientation and even gender, and religion.

For example, Mitt Romney is the equlaivait of JFK the Mormon for the white house, and the fear of Catholics in the 1960s, religious fear and persecution.
It hurts me to look the other way, but picked up various survival skills from GLBT Pioneers such as ray hill, the prison show, and others and various skins of various drinking related time spent.

It amazes me San Francisco being on the front of obscure, the strange and outcasts tolerates in its liberal view tolerance , rather than acceptance, equity and intergartion.Oh they are sick, oh it’s a fucking escusce. Tolleratance and accountability go hand in hand.

Something is morally and ethically wrong when someone is not PRO Jail and Prison for violence of hate if there is no injury, hate and prejectace is that and illegal, if you are ok and “brush it off” or cool it off.

People need to be accountable for their actions; people if they want help need to give something back. While I disagree with The Governator and The Mayor on some issues. They do have some principal’s correct just misguided actions.

They allow individuals who don’t have much else to do, to hide behind California, privacy laws, illegal young and adult criminals to commit crimes, and be allowed sanctuary at tax paper expense.

It Increases our Police, Fire, EMS and hospital expenses with trips to jail, overdoes, arrests, manpower, new hirelings, and acts of violence where you don’t track or document individuals who have long history’s of causieng trouble and breaking the law.



I propose if people want tax-payer subsided help, or submit to DNA testing for sexual assaults and open crimes, drug and alach9ol testing, and FBI Background checks. If you are getting something free, you should give something in return, to many un-savory individuals abuse the system for illegal purposes.

So Called liberal harm-reduction is labial bullshit garbage, it allows chronic al-alcoholics, drug addicts, and exploitation of women in the sex trades to thefts of copper and curbside recycling ccer, it funds at a time in budget crisis, and is typical san Francisco liberal garbage waste. It allows people to drink use and other wise steal and break the law with little to no consequences.
Lobbyism groups allow the same individuals to time and time again, break the law and have little to nil concqucnes. Brutal discipline, and law got me sober, You ever hear the saying “ You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help him or herself”
People and Individuals need to be held accountable for their actions, and their effort. While also taking tone such well through actions for change on the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and far too often even on the flip side of present individuals are hurt, and well intentioned change sometimes is led into persecution such as current immigration reform, 9-11, the patriot act, and reform needs to be brought with caution.

The country is lucky to have a place like san Francisco in the post-911 world, but individuals abuse well intentions, and makes it hard for people who want a change and the good due suffer for the evil, I strongly urge in whatever reform Mayor Gavin Newsom, and Governor Arnold chooses to do, procueed with caution.
History is a great way to change the present by learning mistakes of the past, to avoid making so in the future, I urge good balance and judgment of our elected officials serving the public. I urge individuals to choose the best where there can be freedom, liberty and justice for all. In trolley compassionate, non-judgmental, liberal, but maintaining balance, accountability, and protecting peoples civil liberties fair and balanced.
Something does need to be reformed in our country as a whole, but truth be told there is no easy answer to a complex problem.

However, we find the answers, I give you food for thought with peace, love and justice and the American way. It’s scary times right now and times are tough, be we have faith. I love this country the direction of loss of civil liberties.



--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
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Life in Sobery, service, faith, and starting a brand new day, one day at atime

Monday, June 23, 2008

Did service work at AA Central office today, Caller a few sober folks today, did do some job hunting and are linked up with the local one stop center, going to a place tomorrow. Also exploring a grant or two.

Took care partially of some IRS Issues, Composed a letter for Public Storage in Texas, and called a friend in Texas to do a favor for me in Houston. Spoke to someone in the LDS church.

Met someone who’s coming into town maybe for pride that’s 2 years older than me transgender, sober, in recovery, came out as transgender in Houston in the mid 1990s we also both became drunks in Montrose which is fucking awesome, she also lived in New Orleans and awesome, and we have a lot in common, and potential as a best friend, or maybe even a long term relatshionshop and partnership.

Been doing step work for the lists for steps with my sponsor, my higher power and own personal Jesus is back and balance.

I also met some other folks through craigslist, I composed well with myself, and further grew, and prospered for my soul.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Progress not prefection and living large, and the Big book reloaded

5/11/08

The reality as of late, I have been a utter bitch to fellow friends of bill w, I am scared shit less, my PTSD and flashbacks to hurricane Katrina, my sexual assault, abuse by co-workers, workplace discriamntion, sins against other GLBT folks, sins against other Transgender.

I just want equity and some degree of stealth, I hate living someplace with so many TG folk, I long term urn from working from 5^th wheel in the mountains of Montana, with my big diesel guzzling 4x4 pickup truck, being a full time river, and coming to San Francisco, or living in rural northern California.

I had another female show interest in me, right now I am going though some spiritually tough times, I have been a utter bitch, and being very overly judgmental and stereotypical. I was wrong, and have a step letter to compose to a few folks, CCC-Dan, Frank-The dock, the alano club.

I feel unwelcome, its not other people, not being screamed at, hit or when I am is utterly traumatic, I just need to find inner peace, which I am doing better at., My therapist and I discussed finding balance, the young guy at the community center, talked to more I printed my name change documents, and I might have more to do, I've also though given my many contacts, friends and aquances, i might (again) follow in my mothers footsteps to get work and maybe transfer back to san Francisco, still stay a san Francisco resident.

As of late, I feel a bit well moody, it hurts with some of my friends I self destructed, I have had flashbacks to my past, and resentments, yet I am still sober, I also finally convinced my doctor to get me a MRI and CATscan I am deeply concerted about my blackouts and memory loss, I am in great health to diseases, and strong and fit as an ox. I am not infected with any sexually transmitted deceases, or have ever done prostration.

I know what I want, I am assertive, here are some e-mails from various local San Francisco residents, as well as an observation from chapter 2 of the BIG Book of AA

Chapter 2 Of the AA “Big Book” pg 19+20

“Most of us since that our real tolerance of other peoples shortcomings and viewpoints and a respect for their opinions are attitudes which make us more useful to others. Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers depend upon our constant thought for others and how we may meet their needs”

My lately actions, inaction's while border rlineing on the dry drunk, on myself, and the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, I have some server trauma which not an acceptable excuse, I need to be alone and deal with some of these issues, and physical health problems, conventional centers, and my tendency to become codefendant are not healthy, and there for being alone outside the needs of the other few, are in my and everyone else best interest.

I also love more of myself, and share more of my inner peace, I need to rest and eat more, met someone else again with ties to Houston I also like giving more back and charity, I plan to rerun to visit, one day but Not live, but with my 5^th wheel RV and big diesel 4x4 pickup truck is all I want in life. San Francisco's Heyday has come and gone.

Progress not perfection one day at a time, peace has grown a bit again, I also have some appointments and let my dirty laundry is my misspelt youth and coming out in Houston, I love more of myself, life and need to work on my co-dependacy issues. I also hurt remembering the fork-lift accident, and truck accident many eons ago, I also have to do something about my debits, and possibly declare bankruptcy, I don't ever see myself getting out of the hole I am stuck, though I have tired 30,000 is bad to be in debit. Which started as a 10,000 is Debit, though is growing due to two unsavory creditors, I might still be able to get out of the hole as I am able, and willing, though its rough.

I have resentments toward some folks, and find I don't like some folks here but I have to learn tod ela again, I have another person that wants to lease server space via FTP on my web server and host a few small paps, which proviso promising, per say.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

The Leap of Faith to the Unkown, Fear there of

5/6/08

As of recently I have new private blogs, and some off the internet and On a INTRANET of my choice and likeing. I also am dealing with some spirtualy tough times, but moving forward, Ive made and discussed a bit on how to deal with these issues.

I have a few folks and co-depeants in my life, I have issues to deal with and some abusers, I called a womens hate crime rape place yesterday. I dont have any tollerance for sex workers, transgender whores, or folks that use that dont repsect me, or folks that dont respect my bounderies and respect my life.

I also have more of what I need to work on with me, and know more about myself, and who and wha I nned as an indivual.

I also have a replacement phone has been giving my problems. I took care of some matters today as well, I also have more to do for myself, and program and some personal, educational, employment, finacal goals, and my transitin and some civil matters.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

5/4/08

The reality of Life, is not life it self, I found another sponsor, I want the insanity to end, I want recovery, the answer is to recovery is I dont, know. I just know what I dont want, I dont have the answers, but I find them more and more one day at a time, the fear of relpase, is not an option.

I have a somewhat busy upcoming week, I have school matters to deal with and tend to, I have some sinus problems, I feel a bit more recovered, I also need some time to work out my issues, My hair is fixed, and the currls are back again

I picked up some hygine things yesterday at my trip to the walgreens, I also have a meeting on the adgenda this morning, I ate some yougert, and am going on a new diet within reason, as well. I also am going to do more walking again, clearing my throughts in recovery.

I need to back down and stay away, I dont want more resentments and hurt, I also admited I was wrong in what I said to another TG person recently about her, and her drug uses, But I admited over reaction to an addict, I offered a meeting book, she refused, but I made pace, and made ammends, one day at time.

I know CAN be a cold blooded, selfish bitch, and very nasty, mean and minupipulative but at least, I find faut in my defects, I met someone, and I also have a new sponsor, that I feel comfortable with.,

I have some medical things, and therpey apointments this week as well and much more to do, Ive just be so very busy, I am going to turn in early tonight, and get a good workout.

Maybe read and also work on some PHP before going to bed, for the night. I also might work on my INTRANET, on my other server a bit, where I keep my life in order, and have a lot of personal information stored offsite.

I also have other things to work on, I am a bit sick and dizzy, I also figured out where the largest ANTI equity progressive church is located in San Francisco.

I also got a few respnoces from various ads I am running currently, I also composed a few other factors, and letters more recently as well

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

The Answer is, I Don;t Know, I just keep coming back!

4/18/08

The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundaries, I don't understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.

Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my San Francisco resources, I didn't have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I managed to take another shower or half ass, I still smell clean and pissy.

I am a bit in good spirits, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Standards southern hospitably, but friendly tell it AS IT is, personality. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habits but not the drinking, I learned to be evil, a liar and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.

I have had some early child-flashbacks living in San Francisco, I also learned more about my own personal jesus. I also learned I am better when I don't get to caught in self, and Listen more and respect outs boundaries and not even though my over observation, and good detective skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assailant given I was a bright child, and highly intelligent.

I feel more with my own personal Recovery depends on service, resigning the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightenment for my soul, and heart mind and body is a temple.

I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightenment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightening for my soul. I learned more and more about myself and continue to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.

Powerless over the past, I have power over the present minute, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.

I slept good last night, had plumbing problems this morning (San Francisco is a old city) I also took care of other things, rested, ate grilled seasoned potato's, coffee, ice water, grilled onions, grilled garlic

I went walking, called the folks, took care of other things, might have to move to a different living arrangement due to plumbing and other things. I rested more, walked and fellowship with a new comer, I like life, and took care of other things, but I don't need codependacy or other parts.

I sent a few e-mails out and helped a new comer with some parts of my past and binge drinking days, I received a copy of my driving record, I am going to get my truck and property most is gone trucked to phoenix, LAX, or San Deigo.

I also composed code, the weather is lovely, I uploaded some recent photos, I have a few papers to compose for school, personal, personal business, and step work.

Myself, I worked more on setting up the servers content management system for leemcg.com 3.0 (2.0) was created than removed very very briefly, and released as 1.1, yada, yada its present form.

I also am setting up the forums, chat, and is modeled for outreach and work simulr to Christians TransHouston site, whom my resentment, towards self, and others but I move on in my planner to today.

And is also why I am not taking my flight in august to New Orleans International airport, from Oakland International Airport. I found a place to store my picked close to the San Francisco Airport outside San Francisco in the city of south sun Francisco, not far from 101, and the big mountains and hiking which you can go camping in 4x4 pickup trucks.

The other factor, is I am sober today, I am not going to drink today, get angry, go insane, or take drugs or drink. I live pretty vegan, straight edge and somewhat simple. Just some material things I am not ready to part with.

I also don't know what I want I spent all of my 27 years around others ideals, beliefs, I don't know who the real lee is per say. I will find her, I have these mixture of emotions, I don't have anger at males, other Lesbians, Transgenders, Gays, Bisexuals, Gender Quuers, Youth, drugs, crackpots, fallen women, or women of the night, I make progress not perfection.

I am grateful I enevr had to escort, drug, or other things, but I did abuse HRT and steroids, 9 months and 6 days ago was my last drink, and for that I am turely greatful. We do what we must to make it in the world.

I had to walk away because the biggest resentment in Houston was myself, not anyone sle, I had to make a new me. Its hard, but I am learning to be quiet and listen, and my cruch ona Russian lesbian has gone with the wind, I am to young in sobriety for relationships, but I have the fellowship of AA, and sobetrity and clarity, the answer is how it works.......... I don't know, I just keep coming back, and somehow it works out, one day at a time.

Your sister in sobriety Leigh.

4/18/08

The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundeires, I dont understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.

Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my san francsico resocues, I didnt have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I manged to take another shower or half ass, I still smeel clean and pissy.

I am a bit in good spsirts, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Sandards southern hosptialy, but friendly tell it aS IT is, personallity. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habbits but not the drinking, I leanred to be evil, a lier and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.

I have had some early child-flashbacks living in san francsico, I also learned more about my own personal jesus.I also learned I am better when I dont get to caught in self, and Listen more and respct outs bournderies and not even though my over observation, and good detectiuve skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assaitanct given I was a bright child, and highly intellegent.

I feel more with my own perosnal Recovery depends on service, rasiging the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightment for my soul, and hearnt mind and body is a temple.

I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightinging for my soul. I leanred more and more about myself and contunie to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.

Powerless oever the past, I have power over the presnt minuite, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.

Last Night I slept good, had some bathroom plubming problems (san francisco is a old city) and ate good roasted seasoned potatios, coffee, water, and grilled onions and garlic.

I went to my meeting, socialized, fellowshiped with service to a newcomer, and took care of a few other things

Lee McInnis Gaetjens

Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/18/08

The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundeires, I dont understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.

Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my san francsico resocues, I didnt have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I manged to take another shower or half ass, I still smeel clean and pissy.

I am a bit in good spsirts, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Sandards southern hosptialy, but friendly tell it aS IT is, personallity. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habbits but not the drinking, I leanred to be evil, a lier and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.

I have had some early child-flashbacks living in san francsico, I also learned more about my own personal jesus.I also learned I am better when I dont get to caught in self, and Listen more and respct outs bournderies and not even though my over observation, and good detectiuve skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assaitanct given I was a bright child, and highly intellegent.

I feel more with my own perosnal Recovery depends on service, rasiging the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightment for my soul, and hearnt mind and body is a temple.

I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightinging for my soul. I leanred more and more about myself and contunie to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.

Powerless oever the past, I have power over the presnt minuite, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.

Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/18/08

The reality of my life, and progress to my chapter to my own progress. I understand more of the art of being quiet, I was rejected and Give up on my crush more recently, I need to learn to respect boundeires, I dont understand her one day we are happy go lucky the next she rejects me.

Blah, I also pushed some of my code, and worked more on my san francsico resocues, I didnt have a shower or bathroom or access again today, so I have to work something out, I manged to take another shower or half ass, I still smeel clean and pissy.

I am a bit in good spsirts, then reason ray hill is a friend and has a good radio show he has a warm Col. Sandards southern hosptialy, but friendly tell it aS IT is, personallity. I have learned I need to be quiet and listen, more, the reality of my self is I know nothing, all of my life I have had these very AA habbits but not the drinking, I leanred to be evil, a lier and minuipulatior at a young age, I am much as my mother, my father said it best.

I have had some early child-flashbacks living in san francsico, I also learned more about my own personal jesus.I also learned I am better when I dont get to caught in self, and Listen more and respct outs bournderies and not even though my over observation, and good detectiuve skills, and good at putting two and two together and sharp attention to detail, given my mother called me her sharp eyes, and assaitanct given I was a bright child, and highly intellegent.

I feel more with my own perosnal Recovery depends on service, rasiging the bottom, and unity and peace love and a fist of joy love and interpersonal enlightment for my soul, and hearnt mind and body is a temple.

I more foawrd one day at time, learning though enlightment, my session wnas very productive yesterday, and highly enlightinging for my soul. I leanred more and more about myself and contunie to be born again, grow in the mind, heart and though unity reseovery.

Powerless oever the past, I have power over the presnt minuite, day, hour and half hour, each second passes I have power.

Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/15/08

8:11 AM

The relaity of my chapter to my own gnosticism, and self-discovery for myself, life and enlightment for my-self will. I know more upon awakeing and grattuide. I chose my current life, and fear the unkown road ahead, but I am greatful to have physcial , mental and sober clarirty and enlightment for myself, and others around me alike, I also know more who I am as an Individual.

I am determated to make it in life and soberity. I have dec9idne per my wonderful therpisits request, I am not going to take my flight in aug, I am going to have my trcuk transported to Phonix, or possibly LA or Vegas for picking up my pick em truck. I also get to live my fantisty dream of driving down Castro Street blareing Brooks and & Dunn, wearing a cowgirl hat and boots, or maybe down near Valencia and 18^th down in the mission.

I hurt having cleairty and it is a bitch, I have this wonderful job interview this morning to look forward to In retail, at the district office for a large department store chain and the ablily long term to be able to travel to washington, oragen, texas, Arazona, and New Mexico on company business, and moight one day be able to visit the Houston Galleria and stay at the Westin inside the galleria, (I know this company takes good care of its employess)

I hope things work out, I have a few other leads at telemarketing firms, and collectrions agencys. I also payed off more debit, and Found a auto storage facility down in South San Francisco that has boats, classic cars, trucks, big jeeps, monster trucks, RV's etc.

Thats as a bonus is close to the caltrain, and Bart, and takes about an hour to pick up. And even more bencifal is its a national chain, and has a Insurance plan, which can also conevr my auto policy. \

I learned more I leanred more but being quiet and analiclyal, and learning from others. And myself. I dont know anything about the world or being sober, But I have the tools to keep sober, and maybe one day fine a joy in life again, and be happy and confidant without drinking. I hurt so good, but the pain brings recovery.

Thismoring I saw a few folks, it is also Tax, day and the IRS as up my ashe, A moive might be in order but it is cold. I am scared, scared out of my mind, I dont know who or what I am or what to do, except that I am alaive and alone. And scared, but I am sober, and have tools and other isnance people who want sanity and soberity that understand me.

I miss my father and hurt for what I said about him, last night I talked to a russian firend whom is nice, and I like, and hope things progress I dont think she drinks, but she has some insanity, I dont know why I allways end up falling for russian lesbains or they do for me, the accent is very sexy, I also fall for irish scottish lesbians. I havent dated much, she makes proigress not prefection just as I do, for myself.

All of us are insane in own own ways, others just learn to deal with it better and more postive and affirming than others, some of us falter to booze, and loose the proviage and become Aas, some of us die, got to prison, or commit sucicde, I choose life and recovery, 9 months and, 2 days, from my last drink at Catbirds in Houston, Texas. And at home, In the montrose.

I love life, and am greatful for being alive, and hope this opeertun ity pans out, It would be so cool, to get trained in the costmeticsa department, or work upsatris with other things.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

9 months and 1 day at time ( I kept coming back) It does work if you work it!

4/14/08

The relity of my chapter and meeting discovery, I am a fruad, all of my life from age 5 when I knew about my Gender issues, and sexuallity I knew more about myself, and what i had to discover for my soul and enlightment and peace for myself.

I learned more about my iinterpersonal life, and skills. I have been a lier, cheater and its in my blood my mother had AA tendancys, my father is in AA 21+ years, My mom left my dad due to his drinking. My mothers OCD and resentments for my soul and enlightment for inner peace and spirtuallity

My grandmother and uncle and inaoity have tendancys. I hurt and hurt, and hurt and bleed from the haert, I wonder why me god, I also dont want to get fucked up. LR is correct in me not takeing my trip cross country and dirivng back, this is home even if I dont have home or ever feel at home.

I am so much like my mother, one of the photos I have of her, I also look a lot like her young pretty, but quiet and relaxed. I hurt and hurt, and bleed and bleed. My parents and enlightment for my soul and inner peace hurt badly, I know what I must do even if I didnt do it.

Oddcly enough I got missed and mamed a bit more, I also was told by someone else”dont you wish the city and police would do something with the homeless people” what I ask, you cant do much, the vast majority are chonicle drunks and dug addictis and nut jobs who dont want help or are relapseing.

Its not I think I am better its I think being a transgender lesbin and woman, I need more enlightment I am not better I just dont think I should center my life around being transgender, I want some degree of steleth. I talked to DLG about transpostrintg my truck to phonix, LAX or other points of intrests.

This morning upon awaking I noticed a ford f-150 with Texas Truck plates that has a harris county tax sticker. I also met someone here thats not sober that I used to drink with in various places Chances, Slick Willies, Fitzgerlads, Numbers, Rudyards, The Posion gir, the jet lounge, the engine room, 1415 california all in Houston.

I grew up and got sick and tired of the same old bullshit and insanity with my higher power and own personal ejsus christ, I look very young professional today, I hope to get this job at the department stores down town, maybe long term get to travel again, They are the disctrict office and cover California, Oregaon., Washington state, Texas, New Mexico, Arazona. I have high hopes, dreaps and faith in a higher power.

I also know I need to shut up more, and listen and yo ureach enlightment, I have a cursh as of late, I dont know what it is with irsh girls, russian girls, and euro girls, and also haspanic women. Blah, I have many chruchs but I am not read for such things

The homeless guy who pushed me down the esclatro and ran off in UN plaza, who harasses me, stalks me at various coffee shops aorund church, castro, mission and has groped me on MUNI and BART that was throughn out of our lady of safeway morming meeting who gangs up with he 2 friends, I am not going to be intimited.

I also have more and more for my soul, and enligitenment and inner peacer and spiruality, the faithful fools was ewnjoyable more recently. I also resisited temptation and shed tears of inssanity, anger, resentment ,a d lonelyness and resentment to self, based on actions in my dealings with indidualvisl, support groups, the GLBT community and expeccailly the Houston Transgender community.

I hurt and hurt and am sick and tired, I am still 27 years young, and in good health, some of my health issues are I am blemica and anroxnic at times, I have to force myself to eat sometimes, I cryed so hard yesterday. I also blled tears of lonelyness, resentment, pain and suffering.

I have not been geitng enough joy and lesaure, the skin peeling on my face worrys be dearly, they ruled out HIV again <>

I also enclose more about my enlightment for my self, and know more who I am as an indvivudal, and peace. I am very at peace with my soul, and inner womanhood.; Luanna is right the trip is a bad Idea, I need some r&r and rest a movie might be in order today.

I admit I am scared shitless, I would rather die, than drink or go back to my insaity, I wonder about meds and being straight-edge vegan lifestyle. I wonder if a psyc dr pescribes it is it wrong, If i need it to live a normal productive life, they are tyring to adjust things and get me help. I do ok with my PTSD with good biofeedback and medation.\

I had a discharge from my chest a bit today, and my back hurts, my body hurts, its burr cold, and the interview and work might be well rewarded. I also know an SRO, residance hotel, or otjher things despie being down on my luck, the economy being hard, I ams till somewhat more conseroitve given my upbringing.

Furthermore, I miss the Church of Jesus Christ, of Latter Day Saints. I miss the feelwship, I made an attempt to contact the bishiop and more, I keep reacing further rnlightment for my soul and innner peace.

Myself, I had good nights sleep and rested well last night, I am awake I ate some (gasp) junk food today and meat, given when I was a young 20s club girl, I got addicted to jack in the box tacos, and well yum for 99 cents and a diet coke thats entertainment and creams my yummy button.

The relaity of my interpersonal development and innet personal peace for my self, and what I need to further development of the interpersonal reality and self- awakeing foi myself anmd enlightment for my life and what I need to develop for my self and enlightment.

The further chapter to my own conseritve views, and indpeance and lack of comfot both physcall and mental and my enlightment for my soul, and enteratin ment for myselof and inner peace.

I had the degenratioin of society and what, i need for myself, the disgusting idots who reak of booze, and can not keep up with my intlect, I am to prety and smart to settle for less, or I would rather die alone.

Given the uncertainity of mylife, and fuiture, and the constant struggle with depression, PTSD (post trumatic stress disroder) and Sucide. I hurt, I hurt knwoing what I had a friend, a job, and a futre flushed down the toilet. I dont know whats wrong, or how to stop, I just know how to get rhough today, one day at a time.

I want more for myself, and enlightment for my inner peace and work for myself, I updated the web server a bit today, and plan to rest after the interview and life and future for myslef, I get sidetracked.

I am scared, lonely, tired, unry andf sick and a stubborn suck up barbie, and Lowered the bottom to humble myself and remember the past, look though today, and work hard for a proud, productive, sucessful rebirth;

I am scared of life and lviing, and being alive , but also am greaftul for my soberity, life, fuutre, beauty and brains.

The other factor of myself and working toward a brighter and better future is well, life and life it self, is good for the most part, it just takes time, one day at time. I keep coming back.

I am me, leemcg and need fun, rest and also some work and play, maybe I should reward myself, and stick things out I was in two fedrial disaster countys and zip codes, I have other things the womens shelter, friends and other things work well, I stick it out for better or worse, keeping faithful for a future or possible future, I want it all or nothing, i want life and enlightment for myself, and what i need for me.

I am ashamed of my past, my friends and familys trans-phobia. I hrut and suffered for years, I tried to be someone I wasnt I dont know anymore, I hagve to rebrith and also in recovery of my drinking problem, I have 9 months and 1 day sober, and thtas something to be fucking proud of myself, pat myself on the back, kick off my shoes and relax, be good for me for once.\

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger