Life in San Francisco, Oakland and Berkeley

Sunday, July 27, 2008

The reality of my life and self is I did more for myself. Slept good and alas a bit late until 5 am this morning. I awoke tcb have things to do later today.

Uploaded a few (password-protected apps) to the server (#2) today. I also worked on a few other things. This morning near 6th and mission I had a guy hit on me and I jumped back at a pot / meth / drunk head in the morning., and slipped on a banana peel in the morning, and tore a stocking make note why not to walk on 6th stet, and go up 7th or 5th to the train station.

I ate ok, went to a good meeting at the Alamo club, also composed a few documents, have to print a (few PDF files) am feeling better than yesterday after going to general hospital. They treated me well.
I also have worked on my social and confiandace issues, ran into my favorite transgender female to male therapist today. In addition, composed a few other items.

Talked to my grandmother about my life, and choises did some steep work at the Alamo club for my sponsor, have a few things to do Monday, have some banking and transit and civil matters to do next week, got referred for an MRI for my health issues.

Going to the dive / riot girl freak meeting this afternoon, don’t you wish you could go with me?

I also have to do a little laundry and other things after the meeting, and had a good crasuant today as well. I spoke to an old friend this weekend and uploaded some code to my site.

I’m going to go to the affirmation conference next year, have a few rentals to look at near uc Berkeley or in downtown Oakland near lake marriet, and a few co-ops in san Francisco as well.

Did some editing, design work for one of my preferable outsourcing clients, who does occasionally go on benders, and I being the sober one does her work for her. Delivered product to her promptly this morning

September or October looks ideal for importing my 4-wheel drive tailgate pick-em’ up truck to California, the Ford Ranger fX4 w/ tremor audio system long bed, ext cab special custom Texas edition
I also might eventfully after doing more step work invite my father to therapy at the pacific center given it is a neutral place and close to work, I often think of my father when I pass the downtown Berkeley Bart station or go shopping at the Walgreens or do printing at the Berkeley Kinko’s I also walk to the pacific center its one of my favorite fitness walks, usually I have dry cleaning, personal items and items for some of my clients whom some have minor binges and benders.


In addition, clean their dirty laundry as well as my own, I continue to progress more and more.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Life in collage and san francisco

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The the reality of myself is that I love more of what I do, as this morning I bitched someone out that had no reason to be bitched gratitude is urgent and needed more often for myself, peace and enlightenment and for who and what I am. I also know more of what I need to do for me and my soul.

The other part is needing a meeting, and the things that were given to me made me a bit well odd and obscure, Dr. MF took good care of me yesterday, I got my shots, and my hrt scripts as well last night and took care of business as well and as usual.

I passed a physical exam, he also thinks the Prozac might be good to stop and is making me to manic and panic which I agree, I also think its making me insane, and It caused me to bitch someone out. I stayed with a friend last night, going to get regular housing, and maybe cook something, my air flight is there, I also have some collage commitments this week as well for things to do for myself and my life and future and enlightenment.

I dreamed a bit last night took a shower, groomed a bit this morning as well, I look nice I also have some tasks to finish this week, I have a plan to follow, and to stay out and away of slippery people places and things.

I dreamed a bit more of my life future and enlightenment and zen and inner peace of my inner child, of myself and who I really am and want to be and not who others force me. I faced a fear. I admit I am afraid of BART, muni and enclosed cars. I talked and vented my frustrations of others, hate, myself, and my sexual assault and abuse and resentment toward CW, LR and ZK amongst others.

My finances are beginning to get in order, I talked to sonny at lambda this morning, and updated him, and things are going through. I got hit on again this morning. I also it seems certain MUNI lines I git hit on, or bitched ad my drunks more.

I dream also more so of a life, and brighter future for myself, life and enlightenment. I also lost 25 lbs in 2 months and have been working out as well and I am getting in better shape as well and reaching my sober weight loss goals if I could get down to 150 or 135 or so again I would be so delighted, I also ate some yummy tahi food, San Francisco has some great tahi, Chinese and Japanese foods as well.

I also am going to meet with BS today and ride the bart back and pickup some items, mail, and do some shopping, and get a meeting today, I also learned more about myself, inner peace, life and what I know and want to know for myself and who I am as a individual. My Prozac further more has become a bit un-manageable and moody and a royal bitch I have become.

I have a crush or two, and many admires whom mostly I Delcine (male, still smoking pot, abusive, unattractive, etc) I also have a few of my own crushes as well. I also discover more about my life, and who I am and less over-judegemtnal life and stereotype, I have perceptional as a human and female, the truth is I am insecure with myself family, grandmother and want so badly to belong and please others and myself and life, I know who I am as a individual and myself

I also know who I am as a person and where, also I want to go as a person myself, and life for who I am, as myself I know more about myself and who I am as a person and where I want to go for myself, and where I want to go as myself and where and who, what and my utterly high standards even if I break a rule now and than or two, I also know that even being friendly with my gas guzzling truck, being outside the system and myself, I learn more about, life love and myself.

I think more of others, and even though I can be a self-centered, cut your throat, evil, mischievous, selfish, self centered bitch I also know more about my life, as a person, and who and what I want and need, and where I want to go for me and my enlightenment, program, school, work and life and where I am as a person and who I want to be

I know more for my life, future and fear of the unknown and enlightenment for others and myself

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

02/02/08

Yesterday was rough sort of, my sinus infection is coming back. I am however in good health and spirits, the election on super Tuesday is upcoming as is the super bowl. I also have laundry and possibly some shoe shopping to do. And maybe get a few more coats.

I had to run across town a bit last night, and had some temptation of the wrong sort, and passed some places and smelled the sweet smell of booze amongst club goers. I had to go to three places last night before I got rest, and wore myself out and also had two mess ups there as well and other issues to take care of.

I spent a bit of today with thoughts and pondering, praying and wondering whats right or wrong. But know my path is the right one even if scary and unsure as to who, what, when or why I am here, only to have a spiritual temperance with myself, my sponsor, and my own restless and sickness as a individual and physical ailments.

Zen is en route I thought I would share a few more photographs.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

self growth for today

10/21/07

My day to today was interesting and obscure and also very well emotionally painful. I didn't sleep much, I had a odd desire and dream and well cravening last night and remembering more pain I caused others. I went to a church this morning searching for faith,alas I have none.

I also had horrid dreams, its embarrassing but I remember bad, nasty hateful things I did to others, and sometimes I don't awaken and bed wet in the nightmares as em brassing as the pain is. I also dreamed something else horrid, that I did or had someone else do for me to keep my hands clean.

I went to the office warehouse and went through files, I also read up some on illness and depression and other things, Its hard for me as a Capricorn to admit defeat. I have a plan to reach in 18 months as a goal. And I would rather die sober than to falter or relapse in my plans.

I found something else today, I went grocery shopping, hauled off some crap, and went urban exploring and searching for more of myself and my past. I also did some house work and domestic things. Talked to a old church friend thats in Utah today before he went to church.

I am making my thanksgiving plans, I also crossed paths with a old friend out in past the old me, I talked to the folks and family more about my gender identity and transsexual issues, and we debate things, but in honesty it did not shock some people who raised me and took care of me growing up. Just some debate as to when they took form is debatable.

Ive been dreaming of things, and the movie the return is a good relationship to how my life is going at the present, the creepiness and earyness. I am remembering something horrid I did, and It hurts, and I am going legitimate, but the pain is really bad. I know I cant allow things to build up, I go to a few meetings a week. But mainly just stooping by helps where I started I just have so much to do, but not to much in sanity.

I don't want the pain, and don't want to be out and about around town, but I have tasks to finish and much to do Monday morning, Ive stopped spending nights on roof tops, and now spend nights, in parking lots, utility corridors, and off road overlooks of rivers and bayous. Though I still occasionally go on roof tops my train of thought is depressing. Ive been dreaming of a motorcycle as of late.

I had a salsa very wrap today with Tabasco sauce and have been dreaming more of well the future and somewhere there is a 3 series awd supercharged hard top convertible along with a A+ cert and the pacific coast highway in the picture.

I also this morning understood why MM and JT want me to get further help, and listened to talk radio watching the nightlife drunks, and binge eating and throwing up and a upset tummy ache last night, some people burn out and need something more to help them. I had a lot of trauma, and I want justice, but the truth is I wonder if I deserve it. I honestly am more quiet, shy and laid back. I don't like crowds and like to people watch, if someone finds me interesting maybe ok, but I have high standards and taste, I am very generous and caring and giving and charitable, and like to give service with time, skills, and giving things materialistic even if I purchase it for that reason.

I also saw someone more recently that brought more and more pain into my life, I had a shock wave as of late on the north loop and some more painful thoughts hitting me back when I had a desire of drinking more and more.

I plan to reach my goal, even if I reach it and give up to achieve enlightenment. I am scared but I am making it and reaching myself. And growing.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Self-Reflections and enlightenment

10/11/07

It hit me today, I have a goal to reach. Sooner or later I have to face some people I don't want to. I have the day planned out, and I want to find some peace. Or meaning. I was sad today. Cried most of the night and cried myself to sleep last night. Woke up very early this morning left around 9 am and did what I needed to to do for me, spent a good part of the day crying myself.

Did my home-work. And Have to face my fears next week or sometime roughly. I hurt so bad and feel horrible today, I am remembering nasty, hateful things I did to other people, evil bad people I hung out with during my non-sobriety and other issues.

I visited VW yesterday at her shop, saw a few other folks and also met others who had worse. I remembered during one of my failed suicide attempts I saw my mother sometimes when drunk or sleeping. I have made a plan. I had plans this week and over the weekend to go to the pflag meeting and also to go to the mcc national coming out day, but honestly much as my counterpart. I don't want all that activism or community bullshit here, I never liked that I just want to be, exist be me and in enlightenment grow.

Houston, and stupid people just don't get it, in some parts of the united states people have grown out of the bullshit, petty ways, and I have a plan to get the fuck out. Ive slipped in the cracks with some of my church, coffee shop, and aa friends to make my goal grow.

I don't want to have much contact with other people, but I have gone legitimate so to speak, to more terrorism, b&e, trafficking , or doing illegal things or breaking legs. I make a poor and idiot terrorist when I am sober.

Off to therapy later, cooked a yummy veggy wrap this morning lots of onions and garlic, and chili peppers. One of my favorite breakfasts with some green chili peppers, and some of the more authentic south of the border salsa. Ive grown away from my fattening Cajun foods to more dirty hippie diets, and vegan like. I love more authentic 5000 year ago asain diet.

I need to go grocery shopping when the other thing clears, I also found a new place I like and have found enlightenment doing more genealogy research Houston has an awesome genealogy research center. Which I don't live all that far from living in between Richmond and bisonett off montrose blvd.

In other news, I talked to the folks today. Sent my friend a card. And went shopping at the army surplus store for some more shirts and undershirts. I also went to visit others. I also saw someone else to whom I disgraced a long time ago. And is from my past today in traffic on Kerby. I know I scare folks and got to see a drunk version of myself next door.

I personally find all and transgender and glbt community's and groups and lib rial groups disgusting and distasting even if I am part of it. I am a huge Hippocrates, and for years the self hate, hate of others brewed in me. I might come off as cold blooded or a trader ot terrorist.

But the truth is I have grown outside the box, even if banished. I am who I am. And if you don't like me for me, I am fucking alone and just as miscible as the next individual. And you must find enlightenment. Ive found enlightenment in being alone.

All those dumb-fucks at the latter day saint church, to whom some have been kind to me, may have found enlightenment though religion some are some of the unhappiness folks and do it because its all they know. Same as some of the battered housewives in river oaks, that cant leave without the bmw, or run the unfaithful husband over 500 times with the spoken bmw, or other issues.

I personally knew someone who went crazy even if on a bar-stool and Houston so many people go crazy in the Harris county metro area, and burn out and I joined the ranks of those individuals even if not as bad. I was lucky and chosen for enlightenment.

I grew more and more, and have grown. My sobriety approach 90 days this Saturday, I also Promised Nancy I would go visit her on her grounds at a meeting on Monday. I hope GM is still doing well and sober. Her sponsor is in a recent issues of outsmart magazine and see her sponsor at meetings. I grew to close to her to fast.

I also found something else, someone still loves me well still cares. I feel so bad for the things I did to this person. And the person still loves and understand their frustration but they are like my father.

In other news, I dreamed about driving my truck though the Midwest and up the pacific cost highway in the winter or fall my wind blowing in my hair and rugged shagged cliffs of death below. I really when I leave may wait but im going to be a CA resident before I'm 30 for collage purposes. I'm gone by next fall winter at the latest and march 2008 (unlikely) at the earlyist point. I made the choice and chose to move on more and more.

I plan to give up more to go to the SFX and get out of this hateful biggiot, redneck smog filled city. My algeris have been bothering me more as of late and Ive been depressed given Oct 13 my 90 days of sobriety is also a date of I found my mother decease. Some my not like my racial, stereotyped, or obnoxious jokes. But I don't censor myself and I'm very lib rial but also politically- incorrect but try to be sensitives to those who have to follow the politically correct stereotype.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)