life and fear of the unkown and step work and well honesty and faceing the fear factor in step 1 again

buch photo of me in the mirror

Here is a scene from the set of Milk starting sean penn about the White Night riots and start of the GLBT movment in San Francisco showing homophobia and transphobia in the late 1970s

02/10/08

I hurt k owning the wrong in my heart and soul, the pain I caused myself, others and life around me. Not in resentment, I have fear, fear of going back out, loneliness being selective at who I deal with as I only want positive relationships and affirming ones.

I hurt k owning I am only want taste away, from going back out, drinking, using and abusing myself. I know I only have and hurt so much, I am tried so, sick and tired of hurting day after day life after life, k owning it only takes a smell of the booze and cesspool to bring someone out to bring the evil back in me.

I hurt seeing all these folks that don't have what I have clarity, I hurt knowing I do but could loose it, I hurt knowing my family, friends and aqauinces don't get it. I hurt because of fear of the unknown. I also am amazed at the amount of drinking and drugs that goes on, San Francisco is a lot like New York but more lib rail, devrese and both right wing, and left wing and psychotic nut jobs.

Folks who gave up and submitted to the bottle as I did, folks who destroyed and lost all. I miss folks, family , friends. Not in resentment but I was wrong, I wrote a letter of honesty, for things I am not sure if I did or not, but had to let go and share even with this person I hurt dearly, it hurt me more to compose the letter, I hurts to bleed tears of pain at how wrong I was.

Another spiritual experience I will share, is I am afraid, overloaded and tired, I feel like I don't want to take advantage of others, myself, be hurt any more, and I want to quit hurting. The experience I share of, is well my own life I don't know why I hurt, I want to quit hurting, day and night. I want the dreams and flashbacks to stop, I had another nightmare, I don't remember it much,

I know in my heart I did the right thing, I experience these dreams of being hurt over and over, of seeing the destruction of rita and Katrina from Mississippi to Louisiana to Texas. I hurt remebring being abused, I hurt with my own stereotypes and hate inside burning sometimes from not having any justice, from beefing afraid to make a stand. I hurt and put that to my higher power, my abuser reminds me so much of me, I'm tried of siting in the same place night after night leaping life to la-la land. I'm tired of hurting, dreaming, and suffering in my heart mind soul and body.

I don't want the drama, suffering and pain and well destruction anymore, I feel focus and reality is distorted more and more whats real and whats not, will I have a future and life, I don't want to drink, but folks don't understand what its like. I cry myself often, in shame for things I did, and didn't do. I am suffering kinda, and just tried of the bullshit, and pain. I want the suffering to end.

I don't know why I suffer maybe its knowing I was wrong for what I did, I did what I did because I was afraid, I went crazy, I enjoyed the panic, chaos and disorder. Insanity became the norm, when I could not get it, I moved on. Into sobriety, I had a ex prance of well maybe the drinking will kill me, maybe 90% of folks drinking, or drugs where involved in the court system even if they did not want to admit defeat to submission to the problem.

I hurt knowing I am wrong for what I did and did alone, I know the end of the tunnel is in sight, I am so tired of hurting and being in pain, day in and day out at night. My pain partially is gone, I got what I wanted a fresh start, but on the other hand, I uh lost more.

There was one encounter or phobia to some degree, I still have some phobia of law enforcement, fire, ems. I don't know maybe its one encounter for help and meeting a trans phobic cop, a rarity in san Francisco. But never the less they do exist. I have pain. I just learned not to show my fear of the unknown and the few that are transphobic assholes, most are nice. And I have no reason to fear them.

I'm hurting I don't know why Iam afraid, of the road ahead, but I know if I hang tough Ill be ok

I went to a meeting I had not in the past few days, and I observed and am working a 1^st step, I am afraid to ask for help, I am afraid of hurting folks again, I am afraid of people and being social. I'm not as much as afraid of myself, but afraid of relapse, and becoming the nasty, mean, hateful, resentful, insane, bitch, person I once was. I am afraid of hurting others and repeating past transgressions, I am jelious of others because I am lonely or get numbers and meet people but don't follow up or make friendship or keep it, other than my present sponsor.

Heres a more butch photo of me in the mirror at a coffee shop

Ive cut back on my eating went out to dinner with a friend last night, ate to much :-(

Called my sponor this morning and got out my pity party and went to a good GLBT meeting maybe the alano club was a bit much

I also took some more photos and firends, cleaned out my hard drive and played some counterstike I might start playing counterstrike pro again.

I also have some documents and copys to mail tommorow amongst other tasks at hand.

I am going back to eating once a day and drinking tea and coffee more a bit.

The weather is vastly improveing desireable.

I updated some code on LEEMCG.COM and started to build a San Francisco On-Line Transgender community much as Christan has at Transhouston.com with some of the server extentions I installed long ago, have documents to mail to texas and Louisiana and to meet with the transgender lasison officer next week and a therpey apointment as well with my new wonderful therpsist who is also transgender iminage that and a little older than me but around the same age group.

Im getting old soon to be out of the 25-30 crowd :-(

Have a crush and dateing prospects, but Im not busy. and I have some resentments and even jeliousity but Im dealing with it in a better manner than past transgressions (no pun intended)

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

12/14/07

I am tired of hurting, the pain bleeding in. called my sponsor today, figured out the issue with the problem with the documents for the auto repair, must go into the shop asap. God I am stupid and have allowed my life to become unmanageable.

Took care of other affairs more recently. Also took care of other matters. Send some payments off, talked to other folks. Did some e-mail house cleaning, and wrote come code today.

Did some research more recently. Ive been at peace pretty much as of late. I must move on and move forward.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

being greatful and faithful

11/17/07

The discovery of myself, and awareness of life zen and stupidity and old vs new, for example climbing parking lot curbs with my 4x4 at 3am is stupid and dangerous and careless, and disregardful for myself and others.

Old vs new and cause and effect. Maybe I am to much into myself, to stuck up into me, me ,me and less observant of my own selfish actions, words and reactions and poor transgressions and vampire addictive personality of myself and others and the reality is the world is not all about me, but more about inner peace, and faith and zen and the art of self-acceptance and awareness.

I compose this inside a establishment of choice and self-awareness, of what I once was, who I was before, than and who I have grown into after my birthday and inner peace.

I have a goal in mind, and tasks I desire to finish within myself and inner peace. I however have been disrespected badly here and need to more peace

I also discovered more about life, and zen and a spiritual experance with-myself and who, and what I am as a individual and self-growth. I know I don't miss what I was like pre moving to Texas, pre drunk (in some regards) drunk and not sober, and who I was like than and now. I know I miss parts of my old self, but also Learned a lot and over came my homo and gender phobias, and did not do it sober, overcame a lot of religious issues, blew off folks who tried to help, cared and loved but I blew away.

I know I am a goof ball, a fuckup and asshole and cold hearted bitch and can be kind and giving and do the right thing and do the good thing, by myself, others and loving life and being alive inside my soul. Sort of. I feel folks treat me right to a degree of sorts, but also some do not, some falter and sucker some fail poorly.

I had a great night tonight, and good dinner, at the restraint with Cathy F and a good meeting and ate to much spicy garlic and onions and have heartburn and had a good nights rest and took care of my issues. And feel better I have paper work tomorrow, and copy's to make later have a 10 year challenge to grow into.

I have plans goals and even some sacrifice to archive those goals later, I know what I want what I had. I talked to Michelle, and understand that I pissed off people who did care, and understand what I must do with living amends, I am lucky I never did the wild sex, the illegal drugs or got any diseases from poor choices thats what I am grateful for.

I am grateful that I never caught any diseases, did illegal drugs or did the sex in large numbers. I am grateful not to have any felony's or duis, I am grateful to be alive.

I am grateful to be about and alive and what I do have sobriety, my truck, a few nice things, a bright future, and the power to say now, and a roof over my head, wonderful friends and a wonderful sponsor.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)