Life on the run in San Francisco and beyond on the go

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Feeling better today, slept good last night, was very hot. Nevertheless, made out ok. Felt a bit icky but ok this morning, ran into TLM as well. I also am a little less of a bitch as of late.

Feeling good. Spiritually I felt bad, but I feel a bit better now, or somewhat better than I did earlier. My back is bent back more into proper posture as well. My shoulders feel a bit less sore. I also walked this morning and caught MUNI as well.

Life is rough, but I’m ok, though a bit tattered around the edges sometimes. However, I do ok for myself, and as an individual. Never did I think in Jan 2007 my experiences between then and July 2007 when I quit drinking. Would my life change, My life is starting to improve.

I also never through I would overcome my resentment toward christen as I did. I mostly resent myself, and my insanity and stupidity.

As far as finances right now things are bad, but could be a fuck of a lot better, my current projections to be on target for what I need to do, is moving on, and I’ll have to change some things, regardless I feel like anyway it could be for the better.

I have someone I massively dislike that doesn’t respect me and double crosses me that I have a few business relatshionships with that are a bit uneasy and disgust me. I continue to grow and prosper as well. I also know more about myself and whom I am as a n individual what I will stand for and alas what I will not as well.

I grow more and more daility spiritually. I also have been doing and working my 4th step more and more, like in the midnight hour she wants, and desires and continues to prosper


I also observed my and continue to work on my domnateing, negative, narcissitic personality and defects as an individual.









Gratitude List

1.) Grateful for being able to manage my faith
2.) Grateful for being loved by others
3.) Grateful for the weather
4.) Grateful for having faith
5.) Grateful for being ok

1.) To drop off items to MS
2.) Print documents / banking/ finance
3.) Finish project in excel / money / quickbooks
4.) Finish resting prep work
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Friday, August 08, 2008

Saw my father tonight on the way to a group meeting / outing in Berkeley. I assume he was leavening work. He ran across the street to correspond with me than used the Fargo atm. I did not have any reason to commutate with him, or invite him to where I am going.

Mainly due to trust issues, and I don’t know him and am unsure if I want him in my life. Its not that I am unwilling to go to family counseling and talk about our distrust, portrayal and anger. He told me to back off and someone running across the street to talk to me, whom told me a few days ago corresponding with him or others would be viewed as harassment is a paradox and conflict in itself.

The only reason I contacted individuals (through face book) was again to attempt to have an unbiased or natural 3rd party to attempt to build a relatshinship with. Which I am willing but I am unwilling to put myself in a sticky suction on a public street and cause myself more problems outside the Downtown Berkeley Bart station, I also had memories of my childhood in the downtown Berkeley library. Comeback, and had some cheap hole in the wall Chinese food. A guilty carnivore pleasure.

Look forward to the support group and more of life to come and the road ahead, going to have to research more east bay meeting places for next time.

I am willing to go to Family heryuep with him maybe evne his new wife, at a LBGT coucnelingpalce, and marriage and family counter,. I also know my father reads my blog regularly as well.
Im even open to going to the pacific center if he is truly willing to have contact with me, than he is more than able to contact me, the doors are open but I distrust him on a street corner approaching me.

In addition, Yes I am angry at him, but would I hurt him no, I shoved him aside in sprit as far as I am concerned he died in the early 1980s when my mother left California. I do want to get to know and have him in my life, but I don’t trust him
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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5/4/08

The reality of Life, is not life it self, I found another sponsor, I want the insanity to end, I want recovery, the answer is to recovery is I dont, know. I just know what I dont want, I dont have the answers, but I find them more and more one day at a time, the fear of relpase, is not an option.

I have a somewhat busy upcoming week, I have school matters to deal with and tend to, I have some sinus problems, I feel a bit more recovered, I also need some time to work out my issues, My hair is fixed, and the currls are back again

I picked up some hygine things yesterday at my trip to the walgreens, I also have a meeting on the adgenda this morning, I ate some yougert, and am going on a new diet within reason, as well. I also am going to do more walking again, clearing my throughts in recovery.

I need to back down and stay away, I dont want more resentments and hurt, I also admited I was wrong in what I said to another TG person recently about her, and her drug uses, But I admited over reaction to an addict, I offered a meeting book, she refused, but I made pace, and made ammends, one day at time.

I know CAN be a cold blooded, selfish bitch, and very nasty, mean and minupipulative but at least, I find faut in my defects, I met someone, and I also have a new sponsor, that I feel comfortable with.,

I have some medical things, and therpey apointments this week as well and much more to do, Ive just be so very busy, I am going to turn in early tonight, and get a good workout.

Maybe read and also work on some PHP before going to bed, for the night. I also might work on my INTRANET, on my other server a bit, where I keep my life in order, and have a lot of personal information stored offsite.

I also have other things to work on, I am a bit sick and dizzy, I also figured out where the largest ANTI equity progressive church is located in San Francisco.

I also got a few respnoces from various ads I am running currently, I also composed a few other factors, and letters more recently as well

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/27/08

The reality of what I need, is clear. I progress. Yesterday I was able to kick my bitch swtich on in a controled manner, and discuss the issues that were upseting me, I am spening most of the present in lonely solitude, I have some personal matters I need to work out.

I am composeing more for my soul. I know more for my self. I also have some homework for threpy this week on the adgenda, I have more to talk about. I have some resentments to work through. I went to many meetings this week.

I also discussed with friends the truth, I know more about my soul and innser self. Ive been pondering some matters as well. I spoke with other folks more recently about myself, I am determeand more than ever to rebuild my life here, remain here.

I spend time alone due to needing to work out some issues, I have a crush or two as well. But I have utterly high standards. I also have the collage thing to work out, the lost documents, a police report, and a few AA realted manners, it stinks to be called into service, but I like it, love it.

I talked to DLG, PMG, AND other factors, today. I took care of some fincial matters, I had to compose more. For myself. I also see a person who scares me in meeting as much I did others in 2005-early 2006 and onward. My resentments were bad mostly myself, But I am such a selfish bitch I dont want to admit my fault, I ran away sober, doing my geogrpahicl understaning the jounry, hardships I face now build me a good foundation for my contunied soberity, growing and prospering.

I posed a bit on various forums, I occasionly visit everything from Transgender equity, to GLBT rights, to my 4x4 tailgate, and other fourms with network and system admin. I worked more on my SQL, and PHP Database(s) and also updated more code, googles failure is fixed, and also worked more on my Upcoming San Francisoc Transgender Community and Resources, Maybe CW and I are not that much unalike, however discussing with my theprist, i associate my abuse, hate crime, and sexual assult with her, and I lashed out at her.

I have chosen to make arangements for my truck, I also met a few new folks today, but as of late just as my mother was most of her life, and as am I, a hermit, rarely comeing out of her shell, to often I am misunderstood.

I also have to go to the collage this week, and also look at a few places, my finical health has gone downa bit lately, I also took steps to begin repairing my credit, and repay debits, I did some job hunting my resocues and option I have is stil open, I have some closure, I lost my name and gender change documents, recently on MUNI hopefuly they will be rightfuly restored, the prospect of further idenity theft is unsettleing.

I ate ok, today, yesterday I had a yummy salad, and smoothie, I am enjoying the wide range of fruits avialbale in san francisco, and the deverity. I also have been sleeping a bit better. I have some palces I am going to look at in Ingleside, and Tresure Island as well as one or two in Oakland.

My my mother and others are doing, more about myself. And what I need to do for mysoul. I know more for what I need for myself and interpersonal enlightment for my soul. I love more myself, listen more and talk less, and observe the insanity of life, the world and work my program.

I also have an apointment with a socil worker this week for the depression and other issues I am faceing at the womens colnic. I have a makeup and hair apointment and consult, as well as an electro consult, and I have the collage, and also have an apointment with my doc about my HRT, and levaels and further letters and documents for me. I just am burned out and utterly pissed that my papers were left due to being so tired, but I had some really good food friday. I am less of a bitch and my bitch is under wraps.

I love life and enlightment.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

9 months and 1 day at time ( I kept coming back) It does work if you work it!

4/14/08

The relity of my chapter and meeting discovery, I am a fruad, all of my life from age 5 when I knew about my Gender issues, and sexuallity I knew more about myself, and what i had to discover for my soul and enlightment and peace for myself.

I learned more about my iinterpersonal life, and skills. I have been a lier, cheater and its in my blood my mother had AA tendancys, my father is in AA 21+ years, My mom left my dad due to his drinking. My mothers OCD and resentments for my soul and enlightment for inner peace and spirtuallity

My grandmother and uncle and inaoity have tendancys. I hurt and hurt, and hurt and bleed from the haert, I wonder why me god, I also dont want to get fucked up. LR is correct in me not takeing my trip cross country and dirivng back, this is home even if I dont have home or ever feel at home.

I am so much like my mother, one of the photos I have of her, I also look a lot like her young pretty, but quiet and relaxed. I hurt and hurt, and bleed and bleed. My parents and enlightment for my soul and inner peace hurt badly, I know what I must do even if I didnt do it.

Oddcly enough I got missed and mamed a bit more, I also was told by someone else”dont you wish the city and police would do something with the homeless people” what I ask, you cant do much, the vast majority are chonicle drunks and dug addictis and nut jobs who dont want help or are relapseing.

Its not I think I am better its I think being a transgender lesbin and woman, I need more enlightment I am not better I just dont think I should center my life around being transgender, I want some degree of steleth. I talked to DLG about transpostrintg my truck to phonix, LAX or other points of intrests.

This morning upon awaking I noticed a ford f-150 with Texas Truck plates that has a harris county tax sticker. I also met someone here thats not sober that I used to drink with in various places Chances, Slick Willies, Fitzgerlads, Numbers, Rudyards, The Posion gir, the jet lounge, the engine room, 1415 california all in Houston.

I grew up and got sick and tired of the same old bullshit and insanity with my higher power and own personal ejsus christ, I look very young professional today, I hope to get this job at the department stores down town, maybe long term get to travel again, They are the disctrict office and cover California, Oregaon., Washington state, Texas, New Mexico, Arazona. I have high hopes, dreaps and faith in a higher power.

I also know I need to shut up more, and listen and yo ureach enlightment, I have a cursh as of late, I dont know what it is with irsh girls, russian girls, and euro girls, and also haspanic women. Blah, I have many chruchs but I am not read for such things

The homeless guy who pushed me down the esclatro and ran off in UN plaza, who harasses me, stalks me at various coffee shops aorund church, castro, mission and has groped me on MUNI and BART that was throughn out of our lady of safeway morming meeting who gangs up with he 2 friends, I am not going to be intimited.

I also have more and more for my soul, and enligitenment and inner peacer and spiruality, the faithful fools was ewnjoyable more recently. I also resisited temptation and shed tears of inssanity, anger, resentment ,a d lonelyness and resentment to self, based on actions in my dealings with indidualvisl, support groups, the GLBT community and expeccailly the Houston Transgender community.

I hurt and hurt and am sick and tired, I am still 27 years young, and in good health, some of my health issues are I am blemica and anroxnic at times, I have to force myself to eat sometimes, I cryed so hard yesterday. I also blled tears of lonelyness, resentment, pain and suffering.

I have not been geitng enough joy and lesaure, the skin peeling on my face worrys be dearly, they ruled out HIV again <>

I also enclose more about my enlightment for my self, and know more who I am as an indvivudal, and peace. I am very at peace with my soul, and inner womanhood.; Luanna is right the trip is a bad Idea, I need some r&r and rest a movie might be in order today.

I admit I am scared shitless, I would rather die, than drink or go back to my insaity, I wonder about meds and being straight-edge vegan lifestyle. I wonder if a psyc dr pescribes it is it wrong, If i need it to live a normal productive life, they are tyring to adjust things and get me help. I do ok with my PTSD with good biofeedback and medation.\

I had a discharge from my chest a bit today, and my back hurts, my body hurts, its burr cold, and the interview and work might be well rewarded. I also know an SRO, residance hotel, or otjher things despie being down on my luck, the economy being hard, I ams till somewhat more conseroitve given my upbringing.

Furthermore, I miss the Church of Jesus Christ, of Latter Day Saints. I miss the feelwship, I made an attempt to contact the bishiop and more, I keep reacing further rnlightment for my soul and innner peace.

Myself, I had good nights sleep and rested well last night, I am awake I ate some (gasp) junk food today and meat, given when I was a young 20s club girl, I got addicted to jack in the box tacos, and well yum for 99 cents and a diet coke thats entertainment and creams my yummy button.

The relaity of my interpersonal development and innet personal peace for my self, and what I need to further development of the interpersonal reality and self- awakeing foi myself anmd enlightment for my life and what I need to develop for my self and enlightment.

The further chapter to my own conseritve views, and indpeance and lack of comfot both physcall and mental and my enlightment for my soul, and enteratin ment for myselof and inner peace.

I had the degenratioin of society and what, i need for myself, the disgusting idots who reak of booze, and can not keep up with my intlect, I am to prety and smart to settle for less, or I would rather die alone.

Given the uncertainity of mylife, and fuiture, and the constant struggle with depression, PTSD (post trumatic stress disroder) and Sucide. I hurt, I hurt knwoing what I had a friend, a job, and a futre flushed down the toilet. I dont know whats wrong, or how to stop, I just know how to get rhough today, one day at a time.

I want more for myself, and enlightment for my inner peace and work for myself, I updated the web server a bit today, and plan to rest after the interview and life and future for myslef, I get sidetracked.

I am scared, lonely, tired, unry andf sick and a stubborn suck up barbie, and Lowered the bottom to humble myself and remember the past, look though today, and work hard for a proud, productive, sucessful rebirth;

I am scared of life and lviing, and being alive , but also am greaftul for my soberity, life, fuutre, beauty and brains.

The other factor of myself and working toward a brighter and better future is well, life and life it self, is good for the most part, it just takes time, one day at time. I keep coming back.

I am me, leemcg and need fun, rest and also some work and play, maybe I should reward myself, and stick things out I was in two fedrial disaster countys and zip codes, I have other things the womens shelter, friends and other things work well, I stick it out for better or worse, keeping faithful for a future or possible future, I want it all or nothing, i want life and enlightment for myself, and what i need for me.

I am ashamed of my past, my friends and familys trans-phobia. I hrut and suffered for years, I tried to be someone I wasnt I dont know anymore, I hagve to rebrith and also in recovery of my drinking problem, I have 9 months and 1 day sober, and thtas something to be fucking proud of myself, pat myself on the back, kick off my shoes and relax, be good for me for once.\

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

-

Monday, March 31, 2008

I know why I hurt so bad, I hurt because all of my life I have pretned to be someone I wasnt, I bought my happyness, I gave up in depression, and I resent what I threw away, so many folks and people are in jail, prison or hosptials or instutions due to drinking, and drugs or worse, and self-destrucive qactions they fuck around with someone until it gets the worst of them down and down they go, rice round like a record baby.

I spoke to a friend of Bill Wilsons whom convicned me, and my current person who is guideing me wants me to go to a meeting a day write down what I learned or sturck me, more recently for employers, I was ready to jump off the building just as such, I had enough and wanted help, I currently have the pleasure of being of service, of someone whom there is a attraction, but I learn to respect bounderies, and draw the line, I want her to get it, or reach out and get help. I hope she went to a meeting this moring today, I hope other things work out well, and good enough, My back hurts today, this moring was burr cold. I awoke at 2 am, was out the bed a 3 showered till 4 and got dressed and did my hygine and face. My back really hurts, I also am looking at housing and other factors more so.

I got sober enough and had my spirtual awakeing when I was in Houston when I paid my debit to society, of my drinking was a problem, but I thought I wasnt an drunk enough, the realy is the crackhead and junkie on skid row in san francisco, and I have one thing in common, I want insity and reciver and my life had not hit that far of a bottem (yet) and I have something they dont an awakeing, soberity and a program and life again.

I understood somewhat I could for my program no longer reside in houston, when school, and if the interview goes well tommroow, I might come home early or late ndue to working retail xmass is very busy. And drive back, I dont plan to stay or visit housotn and if I do, I am going to be there berifly to access my sotrage unit and get out, I hurt to bad and need to work with my current wonderful therpsit whom has been workjing with transgenders seince 1978 and is very nice, and has much expereance with this, whom I shared the pain and fucked up resentment I have toward christan williams, phyllis frye, and lilly roddy. I hurt day and day out for my past transgressions. But I must hide the pain and move on, san francisco rocks, its expeceive as fuck, but the politcla climite comparetd to southeren GLBT “affirming citys: is far and byound while comforting it scares the shit out of me bheing so open and not what I am used to.

The nightmares, have gone away for the most part, the dreams of being raped, abused, and pounched has been bad and byound and I reached my level of spirtuality, I also quit the prozac, per my docotrs request it had me fucked up, when I go to the ear docotr to see about my health issues, I might learn more and the doc thinks it might be a ear or sinus infection in the inneer ear, I ate some meat recently and had some salty popcorn, my blood pressure, and sugar and health is returning a bit more to n9ormal, or is anything nornmal anymore

I talked to the folks, did laundry this mroing, lunch is on the menu before my interview later this week, I am well rested and my back hurts. My health is improveing, and dinner is also on the adgenda as well it appers also. It also amazes me the amount of trans-women and trans-men who are in soc8ity ehre and the more accepting women and womens groups and resocures, my own transphobia is disowneing it-self. I also have witnessed some disgusting trans-women whom I resent, more recently I was commented on at a womens group, that I am so pretty and lady like in acting and expression and allways chee3rful, that I give away the steor type, about transexuals, and transgenres this comes from a professional that works with women and the GLBT community a s a whole, but back to the moral of the story, I saw one who bitches and complains and does drugs and drinks (sometimes) get up and pee like a man in the morning, Ive even had some women be unaware I am trans, or such.

Not that I am trying to fool anyone, I allways was a woman form the date I was born in Jan 1981, I was just born with a womans brain and male parts. I which I had more nlightment and udnerstanding, maybe taling about the pain and my own transphobia helps me as a soul. I am feeling better and looking forward to going and getting them tiger, with love Lee.

I plan to tank up on veggy soup today as well on my path to enlightment and self empowerment for my heart, mind body and soul. I reach truth, one day ata time I keep coming back I know it works.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Life and the prusuit of hapyness and zen in (SFO)

01/29/08

I took some photos this morning, I am looking ok. It hurts so bad, today at the food stamp, and ga office and being unable to reach the disibilliy advcay group today. Its burr cold, I appricate sweaters and mittens and gloves. I need to go shoe shopping soon for something new, I also spoke to the grandmother and uncle today.

The trust and realtes items, are hurting more and more and again keeping me from getting help and services. I also my grnadmother today, told me I chose this thats wrong, I came here for help, to start over someplace less transphobic, and somepalce safe where I can use the bathroom most of my speeding tickets in houston were from being unable to use the proper restroom.

I took some photos today, this morning at the womens shelter and also met some but not much transphobia when I go out for services, I have had other lesbian ggs hit on me, blah. Im hurting, my back hurts, maybe its the hrt why I am so utterly depressed and the remnats of the cold, flu / food posioning or whatever.

Im tired of hruiting and dont want to drink or use, Im sick of it, today in front of the food stamp office I saw a drug deal go down, and someone using. I wish folks could have what I have, met someone who has 6 months and is 3 days away from my 07/13/2007

I got a bit done its rough here, talked to my aunt a bit. Im all alone it feels sometimes good thing about the tg group and clinic tonight, maybe Ill feel better out the cold.

I went to the soup kichen today and had 3 bowls of soup, 2 plates of salad, and 4 oranages, and a few slices of sourdough.

Its better than the usual shit hole, the only thing is this kitchen is and service place is pretty transphiboic, on some of the eveents it says its restricted to “genetic” women or women born women.

The LDS phrofit died, the 13^th in the history of the church, I wonder if Tohmas S Monson will repalce such, I think some of the church leadership accepts us or is devied amongst its own transphobia just as with blacks with the preisthood.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

reading the big book

11/26/07

Self assessment daily and what I am greatful for learning about my self, toward my birthday

Friday July 13^th 2007 Soberity date.

I discovered I am a con-artist, pity and put so much effort into things My way. I learn more and more daily as I write, read and discover I also learned the big book something a housewife that drinks at home., to doctor bobs nightmare, he lived to drink, the man who mastered fear, the never ending cycle. All and every chapter has application in the insanity of the blue book/.

I find disgust in those like spears, lohan who disgust the book who saved our lives, but thats a resentment, my dishonesty, lies, and paranoia, and UN-manageability. Hurt more and more, I must heal and rediscover more about myself, live, learn and grow.

I Am a fuckup, a nobody who wants control, power, money, and to rule the world. I am dominate, selfish, careless, and spend so much energy growing and lieing, lost faith, burning out bitching, complaining but doing nothing about nothing and bitching about something.

I romance myself as a dark angel, a vigilante and stick my nose and worry about and want to dominate the rule the world, its my way or the high way. Thats how I feel and one of my favorite lines from the matrix from switch one of my favorite charters that dies in the first movie, and the best.

I don't care, pretend to care, and still do and when I cant have my way I fill with resentment, control and drain people, I use people , I put up my wall with people to maintain domination and control because reality sucks, life sucks, and even though I work hard, I want life on my terms and I want it now dammit, I fucking hate letting others in to my twisted world, and chos, panic and disorder, I liked it I learned to like the pain, even though I didn't start the pain, I did some my share of it. I liked the adrenaline, drama, and like the drama queen, romance, of adventure, booze, cesspool, and creating chaos, panic and disorder.

Fuck working for it, mind-fucking and being a con artist, and spending my brains and haste on waste, booze, wine, vokkia, and the occasional mixed drink I learned to dance, enjoy the narcissism and loosing my inhabit ons and distorting reality. I hurt to open up but slowly do. I fear reality so worst of all while overcoming the trans gender part, reality sucks, the unrealistic, panic and disorder is more well brutal and my way maintaining dominance and the vampire nature of my narcissism and emotional vampire games,and mind games and well you assume the idea, use em than abuse them and on the next victim to bite and drag into my view of the world, or the world in my view, rather than being a little more submissive, open and honest and experiencing reality

The reality is I hurt badly, no one gives a fuck about my emotional vampire, narcissism dominatrix view and spiritually draining, my mouth and not fucking minding my own business is 60 of my problems and10 percent is my submissiveness zncx not opening my mouth, 20 percent is not being in the movement, 20 percent is complaining and not acting, and viewing myself as goddess of the universe and no faith and being a cold hearted bitch.

What I am grateful for is discovering this and learning change and slowly learning how to deal with the pain and mind fucking. And deal with change and why they call it a birthday and I want to stop spinning around like a record baby, I spin me rice round, rice round... Like a record Baby into the birthday! : sobriety date Friday July 13,th 2007

I discovered and grew up outside and acted out my inner child, now I have to start over close to aproaching 30, I had my day or thought I did, in my own twisted way, and dont want it, I want inner peace, and my true self. I am afraid of the walls keep tumbleing down. I fear life, reality, letting go today in the moment. I need meetings more and more. I need more as in the midnight hour I compose this message about myself, inner child and myself.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

life and being loved

I am grateful for my sponsor, and having folks who care, getting better taking the lead to recovery and getting my grove and self back slowly, and rebuilding my brains. After frying them binge drinking off and on from deco 2005 to jan 2007 and on to the date Friday july 13^th, 2007 my birthday and in typical twisted lee style its Friday the 13^th in the Texas severity.

I hope Nancy is doing well, I am grateful to be alive and much to do this week. Went to bed around 5pm and woke up around 10pm reseted and alert ate at home and went out a bit. Nighters, had a good ok lunch at lubys today also. I slept well and rested ok. And recovered more and cleaned house a bit, and rested this eve.

And I did the boot snotting boogie and had little pink houses when I fired up my pickup truck, but you spin me rice round like a record baby!

I got a nice card, and some gifts today, it feels good to be loved and to love life again and well have family and folks I can talk about in honesty and compassion.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

life in sickness, and growth and myself

11/08/07

Got more rest, still sick off and on. The fever and cough have gone to just sinus. Still takeing meds, to try and get better. The cold is bad. Went to 6 meetings this week, 3 in one day. Achived a very good understanding of steps 4,5 etc. and soon but not quite adjusting to them. Still working hard.

Awoke early this morning at 5am was out the door early, the cold and sinus made me dizzy and went back to bed at 6:45 am and rested, the sinus is better, I was so dizzy I had trouble driving. I went to rest at home.

Received my new county tax sticker today, and applied it to the auto, some of my tailgate parts came in the mail yesterday, slept more today. Awoke, running errands, lost a lot of weight and still well looseing. I can feel my body getting lighter, I am looseing weight again. Ill be ideal down to 160 or so soon if this keeps up.

11/08/07

Got more rest, still sick off and on. The fever and cough have gone to just sinus. Still takeing meds, to try and get better. The cold is bad. Went to 6 meetings this week, 3 in one day. Achived a very good understanding of steps 4,5 etc. and soon but not quite adjusting to them. Still working hard.

Awoke early this morning at 5am was out the door early, the cold and sinus made me dizzy and went back to bed at 6:45 am and rested, the sinus is better, I was so dizzy I had trouble driving. I went to rest at home.

Received my new county tax sticker today, and applied it to the auto, some of my tailgate parts came in the mail yesterday, slept more today. Awoke, running errands, lost a lot of weight and still well looseing. I can feel my body getting lighter, I am looseing weight again. Ill be ideal down to 160 or so soon if this keeps up.

I ate eggs this morning. And took ok care of myself. I cleaend up need to run to the hardware store, more and grow more I have to pick up some bolts, and some things for my truck, this weekend I hope a Oil change is in order if I am feeling up to it.

The nightmares have stoped, discovered they were from some gel tabs, that made me feel tipys and drunk and became more careful slecting cold meds, it brings out the vampire in you or the beast of the devil.

I have some chores to run and do at home.

Yesterday, I discovered that why others had to wipe their hands of me. I had to do that to someone I did some service and sponsorship and help for. You cant let someone else drain you and drag you down. It was hard but it was in the best intrest for this indiduval who is as sick as I am in recovery at one time, it hurt but I had to do what I had to do for whats best for them and myself.

I had to cancel my affair this morning, and have an apointment tommorow and other things to do. I am sick off and on and growing more and more.

I have some chores to run and do at home.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Self-Reflections and enlightenment

10/11/07

It hit me today, I have a goal to reach. Sooner or later I have to face some people I don't want to. I have the day planned out, and I want to find some peace. Or meaning. I was sad today. Cried most of the night and cried myself to sleep last night. Woke up very early this morning left around 9 am and did what I needed to to do for me, spent a good part of the day crying myself.

Did my home-work. And Have to face my fears next week or sometime roughly. I hurt so bad and feel horrible today, I am remembering nasty, hateful things I did to other people, evil bad people I hung out with during my non-sobriety and other issues.

I visited VW yesterday at her shop, saw a few other folks and also met others who had worse. I remembered during one of my failed suicide attempts I saw my mother sometimes when drunk or sleeping. I have made a plan. I had plans this week and over the weekend to go to the pflag meeting and also to go to the mcc national coming out day, but honestly much as my counterpart. I don't want all that activism or community bullshit here, I never liked that I just want to be, exist be me and in enlightenment grow.

Houston, and stupid people just don't get it, in some parts of the united states people have grown out of the bullshit, petty ways, and I have a plan to get the fuck out. Ive slipped in the cracks with some of my church, coffee shop, and aa friends to make my goal grow.

I don't want to have much contact with other people, but I have gone legitimate so to speak, to more terrorism, b&e, trafficking , or doing illegal things or breaking legs. I make a poor and idiot terrorist when I am sober.

Off to therapy later, cooked a yummy veggy wrap this morning lots of onions and garlic, and chili peppers. One of my favorite breakfasts with some green chili peppers, and some of the more authentic south of the border salsa. Ive grown away from my fattening Cajun foods to more dirty hippie diets, and vegan like. I love more authentic 5000 year ago asain diet.

I need to go grocery shopping when the other thing clears, I also found a new place I like and have found enlightenment doing more genealogy research Houston has an awesome genealogy research center. Which I don't live all that far from living in between Richmond and bisonett off montrose blvd.

In other news, I talked to the folks today. Sent my friend a card. And went shopping at the army surplus store for some more shirts and undershirts. I also went to visit others. I also saw someone else to whom I disgraced a long time ago. And is from my past today in traffic on Kerby. I know I scare folks and got to see a drunk version of myself next door.

I personally find all and transgender and glbt community's and groups and lib rial groups disgusting and distasting even if I am part of it. I am a huge Hippocrates, and for years the self hate, hate of others brewed in me. I might come off as cold blooded or a trader ot terrorist.

But the truth is I have grown outside the box, even if banished. I am who I am. And if you don't like me for me, I am fucking alone and just as miscible as the next individual. And you must find enlightenment. Ive found enlightenment in being alone.

All those dumb-fucks at the latter day saint church, to whom some have been kind to me, may have found enlightenment though religion some are some of the unhappiness folks and do it because its all they know. Same as some of the battered housewives in river oaks, that cant leave without the bmw, or run the unfaithful husband over 500 times with the spoken bmw, or other issues.

I personally knew someone who went crazy even if on a bar-stool and Houston so many people go crazy in the Harris county metro area, and burn out and I joined the ranks of those individuals even if not as bad. I was lucky and chosen for enlightenment.

I grew more and more, and have grown. My sobriety approach 90 days this Saturday, I also Promised Nancy I would go visit her on her grounds at a meeting on Monday. I hope GM is still doing well and sober. Her sponsor is in a recent issues of outsmart magazine and see her sponsor at meetings. I grew to close to her to fast.

I also found something else, someone still loves me well still cares. I feel so bad for the things I did to this person. And the person still loves and understand their frustration but they are like my father.

In other news, I dreamed about driving my truck though the Midwest and up the pacific cost highway in the winter or fall my wind blowing in my hair and rugged shagged cliffs of death below. I really when I leave may wait but im going to be a CA resident before I'm 30 for collage purposes. I'm gone by next fall winter at the latest and march 2008 (unlikely) at the earlyist point. I made the choice and chose to move on more and more.

I plan to give up more to go to the SFX and get out of this hateful biggiot, redneck smog filled city. My algeris have been bothering me more as of late and Ive been depressed given Oct 13 my 90 days of sobriety is also a date of I found my mother decease. Some my not like my racial, stereotyped, or obnoxious jokes. But I don't censor myself and I'm very lib rial but also politically- incorrect but try to be sensitives to those who have to follow the politically correct stereotype.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)