Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Went to the 7am queer meeting at the San Francisco Alano Club where I continued my aa roots. I also was informed someone has gossiped about me in Lambda center and a few other meetings I attended in Houston. Some true some untrue.

I also wrote out more of my 4th step, and have been informed that My largest resentment and 4th step, and 8th step and 7th step, is coming to San Francisco, it for some obscure reason doesn’t scare me, but makes me uneasy. I need more meetings, and to get done with this bullshit.

For the first time in my life, I feel like my path is unwritten, if anything I have this weird feeling, I might have a chance to kiss and make up. Christen Is a wonderful person and one of the three sober people I called today told me, that and what I did wasn’t me it was the draft beer, wine, and vodka, and occasional whisky shots in various drinking establishments in Montrose, River Oaks, Midtown, Downtown, The High its and other parts Of Houston, Texas.

The shame and guilt I feel needs to be put in my god box, I hope and think she did things right, I don’t like the community or much here, christen is a wonderful person, I hope we are able to meet by choice, and keep our peace. Nevertheless, I am not going to disrespect our boundaries. I crossed the line, I accept she might not ever forgive me, but I hope she sees the good in me, I know others do.

I have seen hobble things here, in san Francisco, all I have is hope. I don’t know what I expect but I would sit down and talk to her, Hug her, and be honest. She is one person I do trust. In addition, I also admit I am jesious of her, she has something I want, and is someone even I look up to as a fellow sober individual in the program. I lashed out at her because I was angry and scared, and had fallen into a drunk like my SOB father who Lives In San Francisco, and given I was born in Oakland, parents lived in Berkeley.

My mother was from New Orleans my Dad from new York city, I am always hassled about my accent, given the east and west coast and southern Cajun accent. No matter where in the south I visit.

Last time I drank, I drank because I was afraid the fog was lifted and had drunk my self stupid and forgotten about AA. If we meet I would even ask her for help. But Im not going to cross the line, if she doesn’t want to admit it.

I have been praying more and doing other things, sent an email today, took care of other affairs and continued to do other matters. I wish and am homesick for Houston, but feel I do not have any support there, I would return there if I were welcome. But threes no point to going someplace where you feel unwelcome, people treat other badly. Its not the southern hospitality I am used to.


However, I’m not expecting any co-dependency or other issues.


Have a busy day today, my doc appointment and other things, I am very busy today and later. I have much to achive later and more and more. I should get my dl-328 soon as well. I have other things to work on. But am very busy. My revised social security card, with name and gender did not come in yet. I get my DMV DL-328 composed soon as well.

I hope I get a peaceful reunion, but its not spur of the moment. I also admit I could be scared more, I also am having more memories of blackouts while drinking. I also don’t think Im going to hop on a plane and fly back to Houston either. But I think I might do it one day, I miss Texas, threes tons of crap in Houston to do.
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