A open letter in Progress but Not Prefection!

4/16/08

The reality of being sober, Progress not perfection.

An e-mail to my geeky, gender queer sponsor.

“I am feeling better, I rested yesterday from 3 pm awoke at 7pm, and slept more, had an interview yesterday, and I also got more sleep, went to the our lady of safeway meeting tbhis morning, I feel better and less of a bitch as I have been lately, Ive been being quiet and listning more, I am sorry for exploeding recently at the country club, I rested good for my soberity and soul and feel better.

I awoke again at 2am and got up and showered at 4am, My back pain went away, and I got must needed sleep and r&r, I have been eating betterr and adherieing to my vegan belifes and following my religous beleiefs and have cut back on dariy, meat, starch, and coffee and tea, soda and junk foods.

I also am still working the 1st steap in paragrpah form.”

Yesterday Recap:

I am takeing better care of myself, and also Called my father to tell him I am sorry about calling his wife nasty names, sometimes I can be a cold hearted bitch, I also talked to a nice security guard downtown, and in conversation outed myself as a former drunk, who didnt drink in meetings and kept comeing back.

We were discussing the politics of San Francisco and Gavin Nustom, and the welfare and homeless issue in San Franccisco, given yeterday afernoon. And using MUNI for school commuters and the bad kids that need a good ass kicking.

Yetserday some rude kids pushed me a bit, and called me something, kids today are nastym, rude and have no manners the world has become a cesspool, and San Francsico whuile as librial as it is, Is an adults playground and not a good place to rase-childrent or have children unless you are very wealthy, live in the suburbs.

Regardless, we also talked more election politics, and I slept and had a good informal interveiw, I also ran into someone from the LDS church that I had not seen in a very long time afterwards.

This WEEK:

I have a counceling apointment and therpey apointment., and other things this week I am very busy. And tired and sleepy. I also burned out more and more and might go down to the university later this week. I also have understood the trip to Louisiana and Texas is NOT A GOOD IDEA, and think of phonix, and AZ or LAX as a place, I also found a auto storage place in South San Francsico not far from the airport (SFO) and The port and cargo plants, I also found places in other things.

God (of my understanding) Bless myself, texas, San Francisco, My Higher power and My own personal Jesus.

I have a wonderful day and life and faith restored.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

4/15/08

8:11 AM

The relaity of my chapter to my own gnosticism, and self-discovery for myself, life and enlightment for my-self will. I know more upon awakeing and grattuide. I chose my current life, and fear the unkown road ahead, but I am greatful to have physcial , mental and sober clarirty and enlightment for myself, and others around me alike, I also know more who I am as an Individual.

I am determated to make it in life and soberity. I have dec9idne per my wonderful therpisits request, I am not going to take my flight in aug, I am going to have my trcuk transported to Phonix, or possibly LA or Vegas for picking up my pick em truck. I also get to live my fantisty dream of driving down Castro Street blareing Brooks and & Dunn, wearing a cowgirl hat and boots, or maybe down near Valencia and 18^th down in the mission.

I hurt having cleairty and it is a bitch, I have this wonderful job interview this morning to look forward to In retail, at the district office for a large department store chain and the ablily long term to be able to travel to washington, oragen, texas, Arazona, and New Mexico on company business, and moight one day be able to visit the Houston Galleria and stay at the Westin inside the galleria, (I know this company takes good care of its employess)

I hope things work out, I have a few other leads at telemarketing firms, and collectrions agencys. I also payed off more debit, and Found a auto storage facility down in South San Francisco that has boats, classic cars, trucks, big jeeps, monster trucks, RV's etc.

Thats as a bonus is close to the caltrain, and Bart, and takes about an hour to pick up. And even more bencifal is its a national chain, and has a Insurance plan, which can also conevr my auto policy. \

I learned more I leanred more but being quiet and analiclyal, and learning from others. And myself. I dont know anything about the world or being sober, But I have the tools to keep sober, and maybe one day fine a joy in life again, and be happy and confidant without drinking. I hurt so good, but the pain brings recovery.

Thismoring I saw a few folks, it is also Tax, day and the IRS as up my ashe, A moive might be in order but it is cold. I am scared, scared out of my mind, I dont know who or what I am or what to do, except that I am alaive and alone. And scared, but I am sober, and have tools and other isnance people who want sanity and soberity that understand me.

I miss my father and hurt for what I said about him, last night I talked to a russian firend whom is nice, and I like, and hope things progress I dont think she drinks, but she has some insanity, I dont know why I allways end up falling for russian lesbains or they do for me, the accent is very sexy, I also fall for irish scottish lesbians. I havent dated much, she makes proigress not prefection just as I do, for myself.

All of us are insane in own own ways, others just learn to deal with it better and more postive and affirming than others, some of us falter to booze, and loose the proviage and become Aas, some of us die, got to prison, or commit sucicde, I choose life and recovery, 9 months and, 2 days, from my last drink at Catbirds in Houston, Texas. And at home, In the montrose.

I love life, and am greatful for being alive, and hope this opeertun ity pans out, It would be so cool, to get trained in the costmeticsa department, or work upsatris with other things.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

-

Monday, March 31, 2008

I know why I hurt so bad, I hurt because all of my life I have pretned to be someone I wasnt, I bought my happyness, I gave up in depression, and I resent what I threw away, so many folks and people are in jail, prison or hosptials or instutions due to drinking, and drugs or worse, and self-destrucive qactions they fuck around with someone until it gets the worst of them down and down they go, rice round like a record baby.

I spoke to a friend of Bill Wilsons whom convicned me, and my current person who is guideing me wants me to go to a meeting a day write down what I learned or sturck me, more recently for employers, I was ready to jump off the building just as such, I had enough and wanted help, I currently have the pleasure of being of service, of someone whom there is a attraction, but I learn to respect bounderies, and draw the line, I want her to get it, or reach out and get help. I hope she went to a meeting this moring today, I hope other things work out well, and good enough, My back hurts today, this moring was burr cold. I awoke at 2 am, was out the bed a 3 showered till 4 and got dressed and did my hygine and face. My back really hurts, I also am looking at housing and other factors more so.

I got sober enough and had my spirtual awakeing when I was in Houston when I paid my debit to society, of my drinking was a problem, but I thought I wasnt an drunk enough, the realy is the crackhead and junkie on skid row in san francisco, and I have one thing in common, I want insity and reciver and my life had not hit that far of a bottem (yet) and I have something they dont an awakeing, soberity and a program and life again.

I understood somewhat I could for my program no longer reside in houston, when school, and if the interview goes well tommroow, I might come home early or late ndue to working retail xmass is very busy. And drive back, I dont plan to stay or visit housotn and if I do, I am going to be there berifly to access my sotrage unit and get out, I hurt to bad and need to work with my current wonderful therpsit whom has been workjing with transgenders seince 1978 and is very nice, and has much expereance with this, whom I shared the pain and fucked up resentment I have toward christan williams, phyllis frye, and lilly roddy. I hurt day and day out for my past transgressions. But I must hide the pain and move on, san francisco rocks, its expeceive as fuck, but the politcla climite comparetd to southeren GLBT “affirming citys: is far and byound while comforting it scares the shit out of me bheing so open and not what I am used to.

The nightmares, have gone away for the most part, the dreams of being raped, abused, and pounched has been bad and byound and I reached my level of spirtuality, I also quit the prozac, per my docotrs request it had me fucked up, when I go to the ear docotr to see about my health issues, I might learn more and the doc thinks it might be a ear or sinus infection in the inneer ear, I ate some meat recently and had some salty popcorn, my blood pressure, and sugar and health is returning a bit more to n9ormal, or is anything nornmal anymore

I talked to the folks, did laundry this mroing, lunch is on the menu before my interview later this week, I am well rested and my back hurts. My health is improveing, and dinner is also on the adgenda as well it appers also. It also amazes me the amount of trans-women and trans-men who are in soc8ity ehre and the more accepting women and womens groups and resocures, my own transphobia is disowneing it-self. I also have witnessed some disgusting trans-women whom I resent, more recently I was commented on at a womens group, that I am so pretty and lady like in acting and expression and allways chee3rful, that I give away the steor type, about transexuals, and transgenres this comes from a professional that works with women and the GLBT community a s a whole, but back to the moral of the story, I saw one who bitches and complains and does drugs and drinks (sometimes) get up and pee like a man in the morning, Ive even had some women be unaware I am trans, or such.

Not that I am trying to fool anyone, I allways was a woman form the date I was born in Jan 1981, I was just born with a womans brain and male parts. I which I had more nlightment and udnerstanding, maybe taling about the pain and my own transphobia helps me as a soul. I am feeling better and looking forward to going and getting them tiger, with love Lee.

I plan to tank up on veggy soup today as well on my path to enlightment and self empowerment for my heart, mind body and soul. I reach truth, one day ata time I keep coming back I know it works.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Modeling, work, collage and life in the california dream of reality

Monday, March 24, 2008

location- san Francisco, ca

music: Led Zeppelin – Living loving Maid

The truth of who I am is what and where I went, and my chapter to my own gnosticism, I have renewed faith in my own personal jesus and enlightenment, I figured out why I was so bitchy the past few weeks, the HRT and the mood swings and the fact I was not eating as well as I should have been.

I had a busy week, and pushed myself to hard, to reach enlightenment and inner peace, with my inner child and enlightenment for myself and inner child. I have some gratitude this morning, I am grateful to be clean & sober, to have had my spiritual awakening and to talk to my therapist, friends, and mentors and family about my sins against other transgenders and dark past in Houston. I also doing more.

Personal San Francisco, is not for the faint of heart, its a cut throat, overpriced city and its wrong and bad, I hurt badly knowing I must do what I must do to reach enlightenment and inner peace with my inner child, and my interpersonal skills and enlightenment for my soul, and inner child.

Today I have to go to the doctors office, bank, financial company, legal , and some apartments, and meet a friend for coffee later, I also want more for myself, and to archive more for that, I also know more, for myself, I miss a lot of my friends and what I once had, most folks in this city donut have any self-respect, or smarts they sit around and bitch and complain all day and do nothing, It humbles me, someone asked me how do you put up with your friend and shelter bunk neighborer from hell, no one wants it.

I deal with it being humble, caring and compassionate. I know how to do it, I am smart, sexy and like independence, for myself, and enlightenment for my soul. I reach what I have went to fast and didn't polka any balance for myself and soul, I know what and who I am, and how to get there, on day at a time, one meeting at a time, I make a difference in my life, I also have to take care of a few other things also currently as well, I have more for enlightenment.

I also know of myself, my change in life, who I am I spent most of my life depressed, nu-happy and general at odds with myself, I suffered but didn't know much about gender issues or myself till I was older, HJM caused some repression in that he could be very arrogant for ourself and what I am as an Individual and person , I also know more for myself and what I want for myself and enlightenment for my soul, and what and who I am as an individual for myself and my life. Working in substance abuse counsellings or nursing or working with homeless, drug addicts maybe even as a social worker is not out of the question, but my heart is in activism, and lobbyist and journalism, and IT, new media web media and wiring and the arts fascinates me.

Maybe its in my blood, for myself, I know more for myself and who I am as a person, I have utterly high standards, relationships, and things are on the backbunrer, with the economy in shambles, the best time to go back to school is now. I am greatfil to be sober in my enlightenment for myself and who I am as an individual. I look forward to my flight, and trip before school, I might do e-classes and on my drive back attend the burring man fest, I have no need to enter Texas, and given my feuds with CW its best if I back down, I all was wanted to got through the mountains and other factors and its my plan for myself and true self and enlightenment, I moved on with a chapter to my own gnosticism and faith and higher power.

I have 4 months roughly until my flight and enlightenment so I should do it, I might stay in NOLA with my folks for a few weeks, even do some shopping before going back home to san Francisco, and get extra meds for my trip. I might bypass bruting man for my trip, and just drive back over lake Tahoe which should not be frozen over with global warming, and hopefully oil and fuel prices and the economy will turn around.

I also will be hypocritical of green driving my gas guzzling 4x4 tailgate, but will be a redneck woman, (joke) But I move on into enlightenment, peace and my higher power and myself, for my soul and faith. I know more of myself and know who I am as an individual for myself and where I want to go as a person.

Needing more for myself, and reaching more in my soul, I go into progress not perfection for inner peace into my soul, and find more peace, into myself I find more about who I am as an individual and person. Which I move forward into inner-peace and enlightenment for my soul.

I also know more of my soul, and peace for myself. I know who I am as a person and reach enlightenment and keep alone given like the lone star state, I stand alone into enlightenment and inner peace for my soul. I have some plans and have looked and considered moving to gesture island or down to ingleside close to collage with 10 other roommates ina house and have prospects.

Treasure island doesn't have much for enlightment, no gas station or much stores but is a easy commute, and the risk of destruction and sinking in an earthquake is very surreal, given it was built as a military base with fill, Ingleside is convenient but would be burdened with no meetings in the area, or have to drive to daily city and pureeing a 75 dollar a year parking permit unless the place had a driveway. But could walk to school.

I also have more for myself and soul of what I must do, I might go to the womens group this morning but have other priority's at the present. I hurt knowing I spent my life working and being someone I am not, I honestly was depressed, I am a neat freak, somethings don't die, you can take the country away from the girl, but you cant take the courtly out of the girls heart.

Personally I am utterly disappointed even as lib rial as I am, I think all these fucked up loaded, wasted folks, in shelters, sros, or on the streets need to get hustled, California needs to crack down on crime, and drugs. I am pro incasrian, and commitment, and for sobriety, you cant detox, or plea someone out who doest want to change. I wanted to change, I cleaned up the old fashioned way, at home in bed, with the shakes and jitter s and went to a meeting a day and didn't drink inbwteen them. I kept enlightenment I don't think there is any other way than THE old-fashioned way like bill Wilson did.

I think that folks who cant change don't want to change, it creeps me out not having a huge paper like the Houston chronicle the san Francisco chronicle is much well different, I love reading about other papers occasionally also. Its s small city where even if you work in social work, or treatment or activism you know everyone even folks in aa, aa is small and everyone knows everyone or someone slightly. Being miss Aaand the gossip and drama queen I am, I don't gossip and burn bridges or back stab friends or abuse friendships or cross over ethical, moral, and culture boudnries.

However I like power, money, control, and invariance and being from an AL-anon to an AA and a binge, bar, club drinker. And being lectured on the dangers of the AA, I am greatfil for the spsirtual near death experance I had when I got my ass kicked and tazered, I am glad and sad and rsentful; for my deailings with HACS, chirstan williams, lilly reilly, phillis fry and the houston police depaarmtent various secruty and guard compaanys and other factors.

I was wrong for my dealings with myself and felllow indidvidual, and the enlightment for myself and who I want, for I am and where I want to go, I know for myself , and look forward to fireing up my pickup truck maybe Ill go back to doing a paper route, or as a messenger even in oakland or bekeyel before school, or maybe downtown san francisco, you get a good workout, and I like working hard, and running and fitness, Im after all a soft stud and dont mind getting dirty, and rough but im cute sexy and not a man hater, I love being a woman and reahcing enlightment, I love myself and being pretty but dont mind butching it out or being rough or getting dity, even thouigh I am stuck a bit and I know more of myself and where I want to go for myself and enlightment for my achivements of my soul and richs.

Enlightment for some of what I did, and where I went into my life, I made progress not prefection and reached enlightment, for myself and life. Maybe even medical transposrt with a CPNC and passeneger endocrement CDL might not be so bad, given my prior backround in trucking and transportation, retail and warehousng and recveing, I dont want that, I want somethintg quit and predictable, and have higher standards, and dont get mixed up, I also while I like some of my friends and aquances, I miss brandi to some degree even though she freaked me a out and WHAT I expected, I hope she calls me, I was sick again and ate well this moring, but I am still sober, and she really is a good person, and Ill pass it down, I havent found anyone with potentional, or have to work on myself, maybe its why I want nurseing and progress not prefection and enlightment for my soul and inner child, and have gained control of my bitch switch is off and keep my inner bitch under conroil and keep her on a leash.

I also know more of myself and inner child and peace for myself and enlightment for my soul and pride progress and not prefection., I reach inner peace for my soul and life and enlightment for my soul. I know what I am and where I want to go in life, reaching progress not prefection.

I also like to eat healthy, am a neat freak, am chartibel, but put myself first, I belive ina god of my understanding and reach enlightment for my soul and life, I know more for myself and where I want to go in life. In want the house in the city or become a subrubainte, a pareter kids, big dog, or maybe a 5^th wheel, f350 or truck camper and boat and land in montana or whyoming and telecommucte as a full time rv er and also have a pad at a rv resort up north in the hills.

I want adventure, and action, I love whyoming, and montana given its close proxmamity to montanta, I love th cool cold, I love big dieself trucks, 4x4m the snow and ice, and IT is a rewarding prefession, I love indpecdance, freedom, and ciil libeiretys and its liberiating for myself and enlightment and breaking free of the cycle.,of self-hate, self-denidal, and reaching my trueself. And who I am as a indivudial , and who I am as a person and as a person into enlighment, for who I am as a person, as a indidvudla for myself and raching such I rwach more

I also know more, for what I am going to do for myself and enlightment for maybe and whgat I am as a person and indivudla for enlightment in my inner chid, I know more my soul reachs progress and not prefection. I am risking my health with my present suituion, but I reamin clean sober and postive outlook on life, delaing with my issues, hate crime, abuse and self-hate, self-iminage and insecuritys, and distance from my family, I go home briefly in a few moths potentionaly and I must further admit defeat and ask for help, and I shall tommrow (tueday) afternoon seeking management and other resouces for myself, so it works well, and right,

I am going to admit being powerless and keep in touch, It hurts me seeing all the transgenders, women and other folks messed up feeling sorry for themselves on drugs, drinking or reltsionhips, if you are down on your luck then last thing you need is co-depenacy. Geeze so fucking idiots in these shelters, I dont get mixed up in the drmma, and am a strong woman, tough as nails and cute, smart and that scares some folks.

But I know what I want out of life, and who I am, It also hurts me seeing trans-youth, I have a resentment I pointed someone in the right direction and while wrong in my chapter to my own gnosticism and enlightment, I cant hold your hand, you have to do what you do. Which is why I am pro clenaing up this city, lock their assn up texas, style keep the serves, maybe they will humble, or go to prriosn, folks need to held accoutnbale for their actions this far-left socislist lirbal buill shit, even as an indedpedance who is a movre of a libertain, and green and moderate indpednat swing foter who useuly votes democart form a few years ago, I was 350 lbs a right wing nut job, and relgious freak bible thumper and unhappy with my life. I have beocme close to jesus and god as my own higher power, religious has not progressed much and learned more abut myself with enlightment for my soul and inner child and what I need to do for myself and where I need to go

I know who and what I am as an Indvidual, and who I am and where I want to go today and in Life and for that and the road and adventure ahead into further enlightment, zen and soberity I find inner peace, and thats something to be truly greatful for!

I also in april or may have a modeling, photoshoot gig for a genderqueer, transgender photo shoot (not porn) Ill see what I like it and I get free clothes and makeup and a copy of the poltforilia and lunch, so its not a bad deal, I also get to start collage and things, and network with those in jorunialm and media, my area of intersts and actvism, and keeping my self mentaly and physcial displained something lately Ive been overachiveing, and a bti bitchy and moody, anyway I also need to be more careful what I blog and post and share about, progress not prefection one day at a time.

I also might go back to working as a messenger, caterer or pizza driver again, while in school, or do delivery work or deliver news papers, I have much to archive maybe even grocery receiving, safe way is glbt and as a subsidiary or rand alls / tom thumb has Trans inv;lcvie polices plus in calfironia and sfo they have protections not to mention trans-phobia doesn't exsiti its more closeted andx behind your back and well less existing, and for the most part, I donut do things to upset it, and remain calm honest, and loyal, I need a meeting today and have one I plan to attend today that is my agenda this afternoon, after I make some banking matters and other issues, I have much to do for my program in addition to picking up somethings, Saturday I also went through 3 months more worth of junk mail, bills, and magazines and activism stuff and research that built up.

I also am remaining calm, good and well focused I talked to sonny today.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Life in collage and san francisco

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The the reality of myself is that I love more of what I do, as this morning I bitched someone out that had no reason to be bitched gratitude is urgent and needed more often for myself, peace and enlightenment and for who and what I am. I also know more of what I need to do for me and my soul.

The other part is needing a meeting, and the things that were given to me made me a bit well odd and obscure, Dr. MF took good care of me yesterday, I got my shots, and my hrt scripts as well last night and took care of business as well and as usual.

I passed a physical exam, he also thinks the Prozac might be good to stop and is making me to manic and panic which I agree, I also think its making me insane, and It caused me to bitch someone out. I stayed with a friend last night, going to get regular housing, and maybe cook something, my air flight is there, I also have some collage commitments this week as well for things to do for myself and my life and future and enlightenment.

I dreamed a bit last night took a shower, groomed a bit this morning as well, I look nice I also have some tasks to finish this week, I have a plan to follow, and to stay out and away of slippery people places and things.

I dreamed a bit more of my life future and enlightenment and zen and inner peace of my inner child, of myself and who I really am and want to be and not who others force me. I faced a fear. I admit I am afraid of BART, muni and enclosed cars. I talked and vented my frustrations of others, hate, myself, and my sexual assault and abuse and resentment toward CW, LR and ZK amongst others.

My finances are beginning to get in order, I talked to sonny at lambda this morning, and updated him, and things are going through. I got hit on again this morning. I also it seems certain MUNI lines I git hit on, or bitched ad my drunks more.

I dream also more so of a life, and brighter future for myself, life and enlightenment. I also lost 25 lbs in 2 months and have been working out as well and I am getting in better shape as well and reaching my sober weight loss goals if I could get down to 150 or 135 or so again I would be so delighted, I also ate some yummy tahi food, San Francisco has some great tahi, Chinese and Japanese foods as well.

I also am going to meet with BS today and ride the bart back and pickup some items, mail, and do some shopping, and get a meeting today, I also learned more about myself, inner peace, life and what I know and want to know for myself and who I am as a individual. My Prozac further more has become a bit un-manageable and moody and a royal bitch I have become.

I have a crush or two, and many admires whom mostly I Delcine (male, still smoking pot, abusive, unattractive, etc) I also have a few of my own crushes as well. I also discover more about my life, and who I am and less over-judegemtnal life and stereotype, I have perceptional as a human and female, the truth is I am insecure with myself family, grandmother and want so badly to belong and please others and myself and life, I know who I am as a individual and myself

I also know who I am as a person and where, also I want to go as a person myself, and life for who I am, as myself I know more about myself and who I am as a person and where I want to go for myself, and where I want to go as myself and where and who, what and my utterly high standards even if I break a rule now and than or two, I also know that even being friendly with my gas guzzling truck, being outside the system and myself, I learn more about, life love and myself.

I think more of others, and even though I can be a self-centered, cut your throat, evil, mischievous, selfish, self centered bitch I also know more about my life, as a person, and who and what I want and need, and where I want to go for me and my enlightenment, program, school, work and life and where I am as a person and who I want to be

I know more for my life, future and fear of the unknown and enlightenment for others and myself

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Feelings of life and love

11/17/07

The truth is I wish I could go somewhere tonight, but I know its not in my best interest. I feel sad, sick and scared and lonely, maybe I need sometime alone. I want people to know me and trust me, but I hurt, I hurt and hurt and hurt I want acceptance, and I Want to love and accept myself. The holidays suck, I hurt badly and want I once had.

I hurt so bad and want to love and accept myself. But I cant. I hate being alone, the holidays suck, but I have much to be grateful for. I have a plan to goal to finish to be sober and I want to be loved, I have given up, but also am Afraid of rejection and people putting me down, or being backstabber. Or being hurt again.

I hurt so much, I want myself again but am afraid to find myself here again, I hate living alone, yet fear being alone. I have to meet with my tax, and trust and disability atty. I rememberer I had so much, and did so much to fuck up my life.

I have chosen to leave, I do want my life again, I want to work, I want to love, and I want a roommate, I want a nice Baja pop up camper again, I want to repay my debits, I want a partner in crime, I want a big husky, or corgi or lab, I want a traveling non human companion if I don't have any one.

I love big harry animals, long term dreams of a big 4x4 extend cab long bed pickup truck a half-ton and a big Baja pop up camper a Baja toy hauler something thats off road. I dream of the burning man fest, and a dog and fem bot partner in crime. I wish I had a good sober, d&d and adventure and work ahead.

But alas, school, and starting over. I hurt and have in my heart to get the fuck out of Texas, I need to be someplace where I can start over be safe and never ever, be hurt again while transitioning at work or housing or at least be afraid of being discriminated against via the law, and moving to one of the most pricey metro areas the San Fransisco Bay area my birthplace is a good choice, I must start over. And will go to any lights to scarface, but alas I must remain focused on present matters.

I have forgiven wrongs others have done me, and I have forgiven myself and started to let go and move, on and stand my ground in pride, I start to communicate and educated a bit on issues, I called a suicide hot line tonight, just to talk the pollen and my bad algerie are hurting. I discussed some over the counter cures with my more experienced sponsor.

I dreamed of something odd and obscure last night my body is in massive pain, my back and neck hurts badly and I am suffering but I am sober, have a roof over my head, have a few nice and positive things, and have something with 4 wheels that runs well.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Self-Reflections and enlightenment

10/11/07

It hit me today, I have a goal to reach. Sooner or later I have to face some people I don't want to. I have the day planned out, and I want to find some peace. Or meaning. I was sad today. Cried most of the night and cried myself to sleep last night. Woke up very early this morning left around 9 am and did what I needed to to do for me, spent a good part of the day crying myself.

Did my home-work. And Have to face my fears next week or sometime roughly. I hurt so bad and feel horrible today, I am remembering nasty, hateful things I did to other people, evil bad people I hung out with during my non-sobriety and other issues.

I visited VW yesterday at her shop, saw a few other folks and also met others who had worse. I remembered during one of my failed suicide attempts I saw my mother sometimes when drunk or sleeping. I have made a plan. I had plans this week and over the weekend to go to the pflag meeting and also to go to the mcc national coming out day, but honestly much as my counterpart. I don't want all that activism or community bullshit here, I never liked that I just want to be, exist be me and in enlightenment grow.

Houston, and stupid people just don't get it, in some parts of the united states people have grown out of the bullshit, petty ways, and I have a plan to get the fuck out. Ive slipped in the cracks with some of my church, coffee shop, and aa friends to make my goal grow.

I don't want to have much contact with other people, but I have gone legitimate so to speak, to more terrorism, b&e, trafficking , or doing illegal things or breaking legs. I make a poor and idiot terrorist when I am sober.

Off to therapy later, cooked a yummy veggy wrap this morning lots of onions and garlic, and chili peppers. One of my favorite breakfasts with some green chili peppers, and some of the more authentic south of the border salsa. Ive grown away from my fattening Cajun foods to more dirty hippie diets, and vegan like. I love more authentic 5000 year ago asain diet.

I need to go grocery shopping when the other thing clears, I also found a new place I like and have found enlightenment doing more genealogy research Houston has an awesome genealogy research center. Which I don't live all that far from living in between Richmond and bisonett off montrose blvd.

In other news, I talked to the folks today. Sent my friend a card. And went shopping at the army surplus store for some more shirts and undershirts. I also went to visit others. I also saw someone else to whom I disgraced a long time ago. And is from my past today in traffic on Kerby. I know I scare folks and got to see a drunk version of myself next door.

I personally find all and transgender and glbt community's and groups and lib rial groups disgusting and distasting even if I am part of it. I am a huge Hippocrates, and for years the self hate, hate of others brewed in me. I might come off as cold blooded or a trader ot terrorist.

But the truth is I have grown outside the box, even if banished. I am who I am. And if you don't like me for me, I am fucking alone and just as miscible as the next individual. And you must find enlightenment. Ive found enlightenment in being alone.

All those dumb-fucks at the latter day saint church, to whom some have been kind to me, may have found enlightenment though religion some are some of the unhappiness folks and do it because its all they know. Same as some of the battered housewives in river oaks, that cant leave without the bmw, or run the unfaithful husband over 500 times with the spoken bmw, or other issues.

I personally knew someone who went crazy even if on a bar-stool and Houston so many people go crazy in the Harris county metro area, and burn out and I joined the ranks of those individuals even if not as bad. I was lucky and chosen for enlightenment.

I grew more and more, and have grown. My sobriety approach 90 days this Saturday, I also Promised Nancy I would go visit her on her grounds at a meeting on Monday. I hope GM is still doing well and sober. Her sponsor is in a recent issues of outsmart magazine and see her sponsor at meetings. I grew to close to her to fast.

I also found something else, someone still loves me well still cares. I feel so bad for the things I did to this person. And the person still loves and understand their frustration but they are like my father.

In other news, I dreamed about driving my truck though the Midwest and up the pacific cost highway in the winter or fall my wind blowing in my hair and rugged shagged cliffs of death below. I really when I leave may wait but im going to be a CA resident before I'm 30 for collage purposes. I'm gone by next fall winter at the latest and march 2008 (unlikely) at the earlyist point. I made the choice and chose to move on more and more.

I plan to give up more to go to the SFX and get out of this hateful biggiot, redneck smog filled city. My algeris have been bothering me more as of late and Ive been depressed given Oct 13 my 90 days of sobriety is also a date of I found my mother decease. Some my not like my racial, stereotyped, or obnoxious jokes. But I don't censor myself and I'm very lib rial but also politically- incorrect but try to be sensitives to those who have to follow the politically correct stereotype.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)