Monday, March 31, 2008

-




Monday, March 31, 2008


I know why I hurt so bad, I hurt because all of my life I have pretned to be someone I wasnt, I bought my happyness, I gave up in depression, and I resent what I threw away, so many folks and people are in jail, prison or hosptials or instutions due to drinking, and drugs or worse, and self-destrucive qactions they fuck around with someone until it gets the worst of them down and down they go, rice round like a record baby.


I spoke to a friend of Bill Wilsons whom convicned me, and my current person who is guideing me wants me to go to a meeting a day write down what I learned or sturck me, more recently for employers, I was ready to jump off the building just as such, I had enough and wanted help, I currently have the pleasure of being of service, of someone whom there is a attraction, but I learn to respect bounderies, and draw the line, I want her to get it, or reach out and get help. I hope she went to a meeting this moring today, I hope other things work out well, and good enough, My back hurts today, this moring was burr cold. I awoke at 2 am, was out the bed a 3 showered till 4 and got dressed and did my hygine and face. My back really hurts, I also am looking at housing and other factors more so.


I got sober enough and had my spirtual awakeing when I was in Houston when I paid my debit to society, of my drinking was a problem, but I thought I wasnt an drunk enough, the realy is the crackhead and junkie on skid row in san francisco, and I have one thing in common, I want insity and reciver and my life had not hit that far of a bottem (yet) and I have something they dont an awakeing, soberity and a program and life again.


I understood somewhat I could for my program no longer reside in houston, when school, and if the interview goes well tommroow, I might come home early or late ndue to working retail xmass is very busy. And drive back, I dont plan to stay or visit housotn and if I do, I am going to be there berifly to access my sotrage unit and get out, I hurt to bad and need to work with my current wonderful therpsit whom has been workjing with transgenders seince 1978 and is very nice, and has much expereance with this, whom I shared the pain and fucked up resentment I have toward christan williams, phyllis frye, and lilly roddy. I hurt day and day out for my past transgressions. But I must hide the pain and move on, san francisco rocks, its expeceive as fuck, but the politcla climite comparetd to southeren GLBT “affirming citys: is far and byound while comforting it scares the shit out of me bheing so open and not what I am used to.


The nightmares, have gone away for the most part, the dreams of being raped, abused, and pounched has been bad and byound and I reached my level of spirtuality, I also quit the prozac, per my docotrs request it had me fucked up, when I go to the ear docotr to see about my health issues, I might learn more and the doc thinks it might be a ear or sinus infection in the inneer ear, I ate some meat recently and had some salty popcorn, my blood pressure, and sugar and health is returning a bit more to n9ormal, or is anything nornmal anymore



I talked to the folks, did laundry this mroing, lunch is on the menu before my interview later this week, I am well rested and my back hurts. My health is improveing, and dinner is also on the adgenda as well it appers also. It also amazes me the amount of trans-women and trans-men who are in soc8ity ehre and the more accepting women and womens groups and resocures, my own transphobia is disowneing it-self. I also have witnessed some disgusting trans-women whom I resent, more recently I was commented on at a womens group, that I am so pretty and lady like in acting and expression and allways chee3rful, that I give away the steor type, about transexuals, and transgenres this comes from a professional that works with women and the GLBT community a s a whole, but back to the moral of the story, I saw one who bitches and complains and does drugs and drinks (sometimes) get up and pee like a man in the morning, Ive even had some women be unaware I am trans, or such.




Not that I am trying to fool anyone, I allways was a woman form the date I was born in Jan 1981, I was just born with a womans brain and male parts. I which I had more nlightment and udnerstanding, maybe taling about the pain and my own transphobia helps me as a soul. I am feeling better and looking forward to going and getting them tiger, with love Lee.


I plan to tank up on veggy soup today as well on my path to enlightment and self empowerment for my heart, mind body and soul. I reach truth, one day ata time I keep coming back I know it works.


-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Sunday, March 30, 2008



Sunday, March 30, 2008


The turth of my life, is what I need to do for enlightment and my inner child and bitch I must keep under lock and key and enlightment, for my soul and life and who I am as a woman. I feel my father poteryed me, and resent him and my mother as well. I called and did some step work but I need some time alone right now to sort things out.


I have a job interview this week downtown in un plaza, at the infomous torust strap shopping centers, I also have an apointment next week at the collage and other factors that are upbringing as well, as uplifting. I also have to make a drs apointment to find out why I am dizzy., church is on the adgenda this morning, I ranv into my friend in the program whom there is a mututial attarction ebttween her and I, but she went back out, she was still wastered as usual during a relapse, I do want to work with her, more for my soul, and reach enlightment for my inner child, and discover more about myself and keep my inner, bitch under control and maintain a inner balance for my inner child.


I also have some laundry to do tommroow, as well as work out some logisitcs and rest today, after all it is the sabith day or sorts. I talked to RAP some yesterday, I also went running down to the marina district from market street in about an hour and back, I got a good workout, My back is hurting, and but fitness is importint to my soberity,. I went to a ealry moring meeting this morning at 1st place, I also reached further elightment.


I was hit on again this morning more, and reached more enlightmnet for my soul and inner child, for my inner peace for my soul and reaching enlightment for my soul and discovered more about my self, and inner child.



The truth is the enlightment I felt for my life and reached my inner child for my soul and inner peace, keeping my anger, desire, and resentment at bay and maintaing metanl, physcuial, emotional and balance and disipline. I am greatful to be here, but I know I am just in light with the dunk and fallen souls who perrished and continue to drink, and abuse and use on the streets and skid row of san francisco.


I came here for a fresh start, high hopes and roughing it for enlightment and inner peace where no one would be so overjudmental, my hurt and pain, simualr to chirstans awakeing, and my resenement toward her, yesterday at the early morning meating at “our lady of safeway” we red one of my favorituv chapters in the big book “for employers” it makes me feel well understood in my heart, mind, body and soul.


This morning I witnessed a disgusting unlady like transgender, use the ladys room like a man, that makes it harder for true transexuals, intersexed, and transgenders to make it, maybe I am just being to true to myself a real bitch. But at least as long as I keep my bitchness under wraps, disipline, and control I can keep my own personal jesus in order to reach enlightment, for my soul and inner child. I know more what I know now, the Bitch must stop.


Myself, personally I discovered more about my soul, and inner bitch more and more, as I reach enlightmnet for my soul. I dsicover more about myself, and innder child and woman within.


I need to lsiten, more talk less, ponder, pray and be more alantical and speek when the moment is right, and shut up otherwise. I get it intlectually, but have trouble applying, it as sheryal crow would say I change would do you good, which in this matter is correct.


I have some parts of my site I need to rework, I also have another blog I am developing that is for my road trips and adventures, in my pick em' up truck. And a few other factors. I hurt, and hurt so bad, and dream of not hurting anymore, I want more and more to reach enlighment, and my inner child. I dont know anymore, except that I want life, I want to choose life, I want something more or I think I do anyway, I am tried and sick and tired of hurting again and again.


Folks are wrong, and mean and rude, I also hurt more and more for my soul, and reached enlighment for my inner child I want more about my soul in to something I dont understand, I miss my friends, I feel so alone and icolated, But I have fellowship in the meetings, Most folks I found dont have any hope, I try to keep my hopes up for enlightment, I run on, day to day.


I also want more for my soul, and reahing, maybe I dont allways work my program as well as I should or allow myself to, I need to push myself more to reach enlightment for my soul, and inner child. I want to let go more, and more, as billy idol would say I want more, more more, with a rebel yell. I hurt more and more.


Maybe I just want to say, I get it , sort of one day at a time, lviing in the moment, being powerless over other people, places, and things and most defentaly drinking, and remering hungry angry, tired, lonely. I admit I am afraid scared shitless, that I will wind up as garbage on the cesspool of skid row of san francscio, thats why I go to meetings daily, to keep from getting the Fuck Its. I am tried and sick and fucking tired of drinking, not drinking and hurting more and more. I had to make a great deal of scracfice to make sure I get it, its the adult thing to do.






I took responcibilly and acountablity forn my actions, maybe I obtained some co-depedancy as of late, I need to get my ashe in 3rd gear and overdive and superchage myself to success, some friends, aqwqunces dug me out ot the rut of a shithole. But I know the truth of my life and enlightment.


The truth is I know what and who I am as an indivdual for my soul, and inner peace. I had a spirtual experacne meeting my friend again, IO hope she stays sober and clean and stays on the path to enlightment and find innder peace as I have.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Saturday, March 29, 2008




Saturday, March 29, 2008


had A GOOD NIGHTs sleep, did laundry, went to a meeting, and feel sort of ok. I am a bit weak and ill again, talked to RN a bit, and feel dizzy, and ok, but pretty and nice. Anyway just wanted to check in. kudos. Ate lunch, have a few things ti pick up, have my interview later.


I also learned more about myself, and try to take good care of myself, later.


--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Friday, March 28, 2008




03/28/08



I have an interview at macys which I was reffetr to at a transgender job fair, I also ate well, and went to the clninic today, they think I might have an ear infection or sinus infection from my cold in jan, I went shoe shopping at payless, was complmented on my legs and hit on many times by 20 guys and 2 girls. I ate well, and slept ok, woke up 1t 3 out the bed at 4 showered, did my makeup and clothed, went walking a bit today down in soma, and the embarcado today.


I went to a meeting today, and rested, I also did some banking, took care of an insurance matter, and a few other factors, I also talked to the folks, and pondered some stressful issues, Hung out at a drop in center, bitched someone out, I need some time alone lately, I also need rest.


I am afraid of life, and how open it is, I am afraid of going to meet my folks, I ran into my student advisor and mentor at the collagte today, someplace, else and I am going to go to the docotr later, I also cryed and talked to my friened, and bitched out someone a bit, and have been overloaded with emotions and pain as of late.


I like it here, I dont think I would live anywhere else, maybe portland or seattle, or eventully washington or montana or retrie in canada or europe. But I miss houston, long term I might go back and do karokie, sober or do some stand up at one of the comidey clubs again.


I have been takeing better care of myself, and did something kind today, I talked more, and listend even more, Ive been tired and confused and sick again off and on and forgetful and burned out. I also have a therpey apoitnment next week, my therpsit was unavailable this week.


My arm hurts, and I still have trobule hearing and am forgetful and dizzy and disorineted a bit, I feel odd and obscure. I like my new shoes as well and rested walk and do more for myself. I slept more for my soul and felt bitchy as of late, and wanted more for my soul.


Being more spirtual and happy go lucky, and less resentful maybe progress not prefection, I feel good and have some issues and feelings I need to work out in therpey lately ive been icolateing and not meeting and doing some things, I have some issues I need to sort out on my own time, people, places and things.


Being more or less open and honest with myself, I discover more to my chapter to my own gnosticism and interpersonal life, skills and enlightment I progress on, progress not prefection in my soul and enlighitment I find innder peace with my bitch swithc under control, my docotr wanted to give me a seditive that was non narcici and nonaddictive and I like a smart and goo girl declined in my soberity probrem and chater to my own spirtuality.


It works if you work it keep comeing back, I have laundry to do later, and some errands to the drug store later tonight, I also payed a few bills today as well, and called the folks, friends, family, people, places and things, progress not prefection, one day at a time, I keep comeing back it works if I work it, and my own personal jesus.

docotr wanted to give me a seditive that was non narcici and nonaddictive and I like a smart and goo girl declined in my soberity probrem and chater to my own spirtuality.


It works if you work it keep comeing back, I have laundry to do later, and some errands to the drug store later tonight, I also payed a few bills today as well, and called the folks, friends, family, people, places and things, progress not prefection, one day at a time, I keep comeing back it works if I work it, and my own personal jesus.


I also was on the news the other night, being intrerviewed at the GLBT center where I serve occactionaly, I slept good, ate well and went for a long walk this morning keeping in my fitness program of soberity and have a few things to pick up and a train ride home and rest, progress not prefection, first things, first one day at time I find my path.


--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Tuesday, March 25, 2008




Tuesday, March 25, 2008


The truth of what I know now, it sadness I am a hermit much as my mother, I hurt bad knowing what I did for myself, and what I did the reality, of mind I hurt in my soul and want more and more, for my inner child and enligjhtment for myself and soul, I need more in life and myself.


I went to a meeting this morrning, Oddly enough I had a story that met more, someone spoke and shared that they got sober someplace, elese moved here to start over, and they were uncomfrotble there given past things they did there and the move on. I told my hterpsit and showed her some of my past transgressions and shame and guilt and resentment toward an indidvusla in my past.


I hurt, I think I need to cut my ties to texas for a while, I just need to get back here and start over, pay taxes on my truck find a place, school is going through, my health is in some declaine from stress, and overworking and I had some health problems as of late.


Also more recently, I have been sick, I also am nervious about my upcming flight going through TSA being trans, out and lviing full time, I also have to drive back from new orleans, and might stay with my folks for a few days, I have meetings planned out in New Olreans, and beyond that the trip is a mystrey, I also shall share part of my mother with my blog readers and for my own reasoning as follows (some information is removed to protect confidance of others)


I don't know that I have much to tell you about your mother and the Bay Area. As you know, she left here about 24 years ago. Your mother was a bit of a hermit. We lived together off and on for about 12 years after high school, and she mostly stayed home behind closed curtains, and did not like to have folks over much.

Your mother worked in the Children's library in downtown Richmond for a while. I do not know if that library is still there, and it is in a very bad part of town. She liked Tilden Park above Berkeley. I know we went there a few times. We did not go out to restaurants that I can remember. We did not have the money.

I met Kathy at St Scholastica's in Covington. I am a year older, so I graduated the year before she did. The summer after I graduated, your Mom and I became friends, since we both lived in New Orleans. After she graduated and started at LSUNO, I had some problems at home and needed a place to stay. That is when Pat and Mack (who died just one month later) took me in. I lived in Pat's house on So. Roman Street for about 2 years. Then I was making enough money to get an apartment, so Kathy moved out with me. When Kathy graduated from LSUNO, she decided she wanted to live in California and we moved out here together (1972). We first moved to Santa Rosa and both got jobs at a winery. But those jobs were seasonal and we were laid off 6 months later. I was able to get another job in Berkeley, so we moved to the Bay Area. Your mom did not work as I recall. She eventually decided to go to graduate school in Oregon to get her Masters in Library Science. When she moved back here, she got a job at the Richmond library. Through a mutual friend, she met your father.

Your mother was actually quite brilliant in my opinion. She was in honors Math and English classes at LSUNO, and that was a very hard school. However, I do not think she was often happy. She stayed at home most of the time and spent a lot of time reading. But as I said, she was a hermit and quirky.



I am much as my mother in somewhat of her foot steps, and my father lviing the bronx for a new life in the 60s. I hurt and move forward more, I miss my folks, but this is home, its just so open and scarey my health is not of the best, I had some more ininicouations and shots recently, and my health is doing a bit better.


I also take a volenteer training session at the GLBT community center in san francisco, and move on with my life, and finding meaning, the community center I visted my 2nd day in san francscio, I did not venture past octavia and market for a while, given I knew my prior history hanging out in areas like the castro, I had other tasks avoiding slipperly places, people and things.



I also have some mail and some things to mail home, and some other tasks to do now as well. I drank some OJ and ate good today, at a indie rock diner, where I usally get coffee in the morning and sometimes a bowl of frys. I do what I must for my health and to move on, yestedray I unwionded at the castro country club and went to bed around 8pm and awkoe at 2am took a shower (keep in mind this is pacific time) and got out the shwoer at 4am, and got dressed andf left around 5 or 530 am, and did my hair and make-up, my back hurts badly, and I have some body pain.


My primary care, dr vacanated me agaisnt TB, hep a + hep b as a prevnetive mesure given the bays areas history of TB, and in casue of accident, given Im more asxual anyway, I also have some doubts about some things with friends and personal matters, and meetings. And my program and confuseion.


I am greatful to be working my program today, one day at time, and leeting go of priors, and moving onward, I move on to life and enlightment, I find peace, love and well self-love

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Monday, March 24, 2008

Modeling, work, collage and life in the california dream of reality



Monday, March 24, 2008

location- san Francisco, ca

music: Led Zeppelin – Living loving Maid



The truth of who I am is what and where I went, and my chapter to my own gnosticism, I have renewed faith in my own personal jesus and enlightenment, I figured out why I was so bitchy the past few weeks, the HRT and the mood swings and the fact I was not eating as well as I should have been.


I had a busy week, and pushed myself to hard, to reach enlightenment and inner peace, with my inner child and enlightenment for myself and inner child. I have some gratitude this morning, I am grateful to be clean & sober, to have had my spiritual awakening and to talk to my therapist, friends, and mentors and family about my sins against other transgenders and dark past in Houston. I also doing more.


Personal San Francisco, is not for the faint of heart, its a cut throat, overpriced city and its wrong and bad, I hurt badly knowing I must do what I must do to reach enlightenment and inner peace with my inner child, and my interpersonal skills and enlightenment for my soul, and inner child.


Today I have to go to the doctors office, bank, financial company, legal , and some apartments, and meet a friend for coffee later, I also want more for myself, and to archive more for that, I also know more, for myself, I miss a lot of my friends and what I once had, most folks in this city donut have any self-respect, or smarts they sit around and bitch and complain all day and do nothing, It humbles me, someone asked me how do you put up with your friend and shelter bunk neighborer from hell, no one wants it.


I deal with it being humble, caring and compassionate. I know how to do it, I am smart, sexy and like independence, for myself, and enlightenment for my soul. I reach what I have went to fast and didn't polka any balance for myself and soul, I know what and who I am, and how to get there, on day at a time, one meeting at a time, I make a difference in my life, I also have to take care of a few other things also currently as well, I have more for enlightenment.


I also know of myself, my change in life, who I am I spent most of my life depressed, nu-happy and general at odds with myself, I suffered but didn't know much about gender issues or myself till I was older, HJM caused some repression in that he could be very arrogant for ourself and what I am as an Individual and person , I also know more for myself and what I want for myself and enlightenment for my soul, and what and who I am as an individual for myself and my life. Working in substance abuse counsellings or nursing or working with homeless, drug addicts maybe even as a social worker is not out of the question, but my heart is in activism, and lobbyist and journalism, and IT, new media web media and wiring and the arts fascinates me.


Maybe its in my blood, for myself, I know more for myself and who I am as a person, I have utterly high standards, relationships, and things are on the backbunrer, with the economy in shambles, the best time to go back to school is now. I am greatfil to be sober in my enlightenment for myself and who I am as an individual. I look forward to my flight, and trip before school, I might do e-classes and on my drive back attend the burring man fest, I have no need to enter Texas, and given my feuds with CW its best if I back down, I all was wanted to got through the mountains and other factors and its my plan for myself and true self and enlightenment, I moved on with a chapter to my own gnosticism and faith and higher power.


I have 4 months roughly until my flight and enlightenment so I should do it, I might stay in NOLA with my folks for a few weeks, even do some shopping before going back home to san Francisco, and get extra meds for my trip. I might bypass bruting man for my trip, and just drive back over lake Tahoe which should not be frozen over with global warming, and hopefully oil and fuel prices and the economy will turn around.


I also will be hypocritical of green driving my gas guzzling 4x4 tailgate, but will be a redneck woman, (joke) But I move on into enlightenment, peace and my higher power and myself, for my soul and faith. I know more of myself and know who I am as an individual for myself and where I want to go as a person.


Needing more for myself, and reaching more in my soul, I go into progress not perfection for inner peace into my soul, and find more peace, into myself I find more about who I am as an individual and person. Which I move forward into inner-peace and enlightenment for my soul.



I also know more of my soul, and peace for myself. I know who I am as a person and reach enlightenment and keep alone given like the lone star state, I stand alone into enlightenment and inner peace for my soul. I have some plans and have looked and considered moving to gesture island or down to ingleside close to collage with 10 other roommates ina house and have prospects.






Treasure island doesn't have much for enlightment, no gas station or much stores but is a easy commute, and the risk of destruction and sinking in an earthquake is very surreal, given it was built as a military base with fill, Ingleside is convenient but would be burdened with no meetings in the area, or have to drive to daily city and pureeing a 75 dollar a year parking permit unless the place had a driveway. But could walk to school.


I also have more for myself and soul of what I must do, I might go to the womens group this morning but have other priority's at the present. I hurt knowing I spent my life working and being someone I am not, I honestly was depressed, I am a neat freak, somethings don't die, you can take the country away from the girl, but you cant take the courtly out of the girls heart.


Personally I am utterly disappointed even as lib rial as I am, I think all these fucked up loaded, wasted folks, in shelters, sros, or on the streets need to get hustled, California needs to crack down on crime, and drugs. I am pro incasrian, and commitment, and for sobriety, you cant detox, or plea someone out who doest want to change. I wanted to change, I cleaned up the old fashioned way, at home in bed, with the shakes and jitter s and went to a meeting a day and didn't drink inbwteen them. I kept enlightenment I don't think there is any other way than THE old-fashioned way like bill Wilson did.



I think that folks who cant change don't want to change, it creeps me out not having a huge paper like the Houston chronicle the san Francisco chronicle is much well different, I love reading about other papers occasionally also. Its s small city where even if you work in social work, or treatment or activism you know everyone even folks in aa, aa is small and everyone knows everyone or someone slightly. Being miss Aaand the gossip and drama queen I am, I don't gossip and burn bridges or back stab friends or abuse friendships or cross over ethical, moral, and culture boudnries.



However I like power, money, control, and invariance and being from an AL-anon to an AA and a binge, bar, club drinker. And being lectured on the dangers of the AA, I am greatfil for the spsirtual near death experance I had when I got my ass kicked and tazered, I am glad and sad and rsentful; for my deailings with HACS, chirstan williams, lilly reilly, phillis fry and the houston police depaarmtent various secruty and guard compaanys and other factors.


I was wrong for my dealings with myself and felllow indidvidual, and the enlightment for myself and who I want, for I am and where I want to go, I know for myself , and look forward to fireing up my pickup truck maybe Ill go back to doing a paper route, or as a messenger even in oakland or bekeyel before school, or maybe downtown san francisco, you get a good workout, and I like working hard, and running and fitness, Im after all a soft stud and dont mind getting dirty, and rough but im cute sexy and not a man hater, I love being a woman and reahcing enlightment, I love myself and being pretty but dont mind butching it out or being rough or getting dity, even thouigh I am stuck a bit and I know more of myself and where I want to go for myself and enlightment for my achivements of my soul and richs.


Enlightment for some of what I did, and where I went into my life, I made progress not prefection and reached enlightment, for myself and life. Maybe even medical transposrt with a CPNC and passeneger endocrement CDL might not be so bad, given my prior backround in trucking and transportation, retail and warehousng and recveing, I dont want that, I want somethintg quit and predictable, and have higher standards, and dont get mixed up, I also while I like some of my friends and aquances, I miss brandi to some degree even though she freaked me a out and WHAT I expected, I hope she calls me, I was sick again and ate well this moring, but I am still sober, and she really is a good person, and Ill pass it down, I havent found anyone with potentional, or have to work on myself, maybe its why I want nurseing and progress not prefection and enlightment for my soul and inner child, and have gained control of my bitch switch is off and keep my inner bitch under conroil and keep her on a leash.



I also know more of myself and inner child and peace for myself and enlightment for my soul and pride progress and not prefection., I reach inner peace for my soul and life and enlightment for my soul. I know what I am and where I want to go in life, reaching progress not prefection.


I also like to eat healthy, am a neat freak, am chartibel, but put myself first, I belive ina god of my understanding and reach enlightment for my soul and life, I know more for myself and where I want to go in life. In want the house in the city or become a subrubainte, a pareter kids, big dog, or maybe a 5th wheel, f350 or truck camper and boat and land in montana or whyoming and telecommucte as a full time rv er and also have a pad at a rv resort up north in the hills.


I want adventure, and action, I love whyoming, and montana given its close proxmamity to montanta, I love th cool cold, I love big dieself trucks, 4x4m the snow and ice, and IT is a rewarding prefession, I love indpecdance, freedom, and ciil libeiretys and its liberiating for myself and enlightment and breaking free of the cycle.,of self-hate, self-denidal, and reaching my trueself. And who I am as a indivudial , and who I am as a person and as a person into enlighment, for who I am as a person, as a indidvudla for myself and raching such I rwach more






I also know more, for what I am going to do for myself and enlightment for maybe and whgat I am as a person and indivudla for enlightment in my inner chid, I know more my soul reachs progress and not prefection. I am risking my health with my present suituion, but I reamin clean sober and postive outlook on life, delaing with my issues, hate crime, abuse and self-hate, self-iminage and insecuritys, and distance from my family, I go home briefly in a few moths potentionaly and I must further admit defeat and ask for help, and I shall tommrow (tueday) afternoon seeking management and other resouces for myself, so it works well, and right,


I am going to admit being powerless and keep in touch, It hurts me seeing all the transgenders, women and other folks messed up feeling sorry for themselves on drugs, drinking or reltsionhips, if you are down on your luck then last thing you need is co-depenacy. Geeze so fucking idiots in these shelters, I dont get mixed up in the drmma, and am a strong woman, tough as nails and cute, smart and that scares some folks.


But I know what I want out of life, and who I am, It also hurts me seeing trans-youth, I have a resentment I pointed someone in the right direction and while wrong in my chapter to my own gnosticism and enlightment, I cant hold your hand, you have to do what you do. Which is why I am pro clenaing up this city, lock their assn up texas, style keep the serves, maybe they will humble, or go to prriosn, folks need to held accoutnbale for their actions this far-left socislist lirbal buill shit, even as an indedpedance who is a movre of a libertain, and green and moderate indpednat swing foter who useuly votes democart form a few years ago, I was 350 lbs a right wing nut job, and relgious freak bible thumper and unhappy with my life. I have beocme close to jesus and god as my own higher power, religious has not progressed much and learned more abut myself with enlightment for my soul and inner child and what I need to do for myself and where I need to go


I know who and what I am as an Indvidual, and who I am and where I want to go today and in Life and for that and the road and adventure ahead into further enlightment, zen and soberity I find inner peace, and thats something to be truly greatful for!



I also in april or may have a modeling, photoshoot gig for a genderqueer, transgender photo shoot (not porn) Ill see what I like it and I get free clothes and makeup and a copy of the poltforilia and lunch, so its not a bad deal, I also get to start collage and things, and network with those in jorunialm and media, my area of intersts and actvism, and keeping my self mentaly and physcial displained something lately Ive been overachiveing, and a bti bitchy and moody, anyway I also need to be more careful what I blog and post and share about, progress not prefection one day at a time.


I also might go back to working as a messenger, caterer or pizza driver again, while in school, or do delivery work or deliver news papers, I have much to archive maybe even grocery receiving, safe way is glbt and as a subsidiary or rand alls / tom thumb has Trans inv;lcvie polices plus in calfironia and sfo they have protections not to mention trans-phobia doesn't exsiti its more closeted andx behind your back and well less existing, and for the most part, I donut do things to upset it, and remain calm honest, and loyal, I need a meeting today and have one I plan to attend today that is my agenda this afternoon, after I make some banking matters and other issues, I have much to do for my program in addition to picking up somethings, Saturday I also went through 3 months more worth of junk mail, bills, and magazines and activism stuff and research that built up.



I also am remaining calm, good and well focused I talked to sonny today.


--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Sunday, March 23, 2008



Sunday, March 23, 2008


I spent part of yesterday in the ER, and was sick most of the day, and eve and was sick off and on. I was given some fluids via IV due to dehidration and lack of fluids and over-exustion and serve fatigue, when I was brought in after being totally hummiluated chokeing on my own vomit, and body fluids, I had to re do my laundry and rest more and relax, as well.


I was sick and am tired of my abused body and being worn out, I over did myself as well. And am working hard on takeing care of my self and soul and mind body and spirt, talked to DLG and MLS yesterday, I also spoke to a friend at the law center, and took care of myself and soul



I also am going to look at a place or two also some other things, I have been looking at other factors and and slept ok, and drank water a bit and recharged more so as of late, and slept ok, and took care of myself and did what I had to do, and slept well and drank water, and took care of myself. This morning upon my awkaeing at 4am, and out the door by 5 or 6 am, I had 3 guys hit on me, 3 offer me rides, and propstened twice also.


I also took care of what I had to do, I have to pick up some things, and than go get my sweater as well, I slept good today, I think and I also have to look at housing and make my way to the collage next week. I slept well and cleaned up my face, I also am looking at places, people and work, I also have some issues to take care of with my medical expences.



Myself I have more going on and on-going with my life, and slept well and Ok, and I feel sick, dizzy and disorineted, and commit to do more for myself, life and well what I need to do for me, and myself. And what I need to do for me, my soul and my progression and not prefection and life.


I also need to progress more into my inner child and gnosticism, I made a new friend more recently that is ok, and I have been moving on Ive concidered nurseing, or can or nursieng school, or helping others, or working with drug / alchalo coucneling or as a therpsit or doing actvism work. I really want to help and carry my message to others, I dont want the drinking, I also was terrosied of the IV mainly due to the fact I worry about relapse or going back out drinking or having more than a drinking problem a drug problem, I sobered and cleaned up the old fashioned way as Bill wilson did, I dont think rehab or detox places work, I think you have to do it of your own free-will.


I feel very close to bill wilson, I also had a spirtual expearance which led me to such, yesterday I was afarid and I hate some toast and water and cofffee this morning, I slept ok and rested well. My health is in ok and better spirits, I also saw a few other things this morning and rested well.


I need a meeting this morning and that is on my adgenda today as well and on my list and progress not prefection for myself and inner child and chapter to my gnosticism and inner progresses and faith. Progress not prefection I reach enlightment for my soul, and inner self and true self.


I grow more and more, and while I spent time in the ER I did not make it to the bank in time, and continue to make progress not prefection and reach enlightment for myself, and continue to live, grow and prosper and reach life. I also want more life for myself and to be alive and choose life which I do day.


I have a huge resentment toward my father, and mother, I bitched out my dad and I feel bad, I blame both of them for what they did to me, I feel potrayed just as much as did with christan, I also am tough as nails, I do worry about my health, I have a lot to, and I dont like lie around when I am sick and feel sorry for myself, and take good care of myself and do what I need to do for me, and my soberity and program and what I need to do for myself.









--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Saturday, March 22, 2008




Saturday, March 22, 2008


Yesterday was semi-productive, I slept well, went to bed around 8pm awoke at 3 am as usual. I also met with Ariel and wrote code and updated my blog, website, and played Counterstrike yesterday, stopped by the CWP event and met with AL yesterday, at the coffee shop, I also know more of what and who I am, and know more of what I am and where I want to go in life.


I had the self-assessment and spiritual experience of understanding NM would not be a good roommate and AL mingt not be as well, but I also understood that I need someone sort of between the two individuals, theres a vacancy at nice complex, I also know more about life, and the power of a Higher power, forgiveness, resentmet and honesty and moving on.



I also dream more of my life, and what I had, and everything I belived and my value system is crap, and bullshit I feel failed and potrayed as an Indivdual, I feel hurt and potrayed and I talked about it, I feel embrassed and shamed and I shared it with those thatl, I trust, love and that love me.


I have laundry today to do I did not do yeterday, I also have a meeting on the adgenda as well as some fincial matters and mailing documents as well, I miss my mother dearly day after day more, and more


I also have to pick up my meds at the drug store, and mail a letter and documents and pick up mail and a package, and ret ready for church on sunday as well. I saw something intresting this moring someone I know from my past, in a viction but in the rooms, I also saw someone whom I might have resented much as I did

My fear of being abused recently a few weeks ago when reaching out for help, was apparently unfounded as well, and I am greatful to be sober and on my program today as well.


I also know more of who I am and my own personal past, present and future, and reality as I love myself, and know more about Myself, I spent allmost my entire 27 years of my life not knowing who I was lieing, and in so much denial and pain,a and shame. I sturrgeled with my faith, I converted to the LDS church for faith of who I am and the infimous religious cure-all. Which inverstion therpey does not work as folks know and is well documented.


I also know more of who I am and where I want to go in life, I know I broke free, but I hurt, I hurt bad for my sins againt others, I hurt bad for being hurt in houston, and hurting others who cared and tried to help. I have trouble leeting go of resentment, but I pushed things beyond repair. I am unwelcome and not any better than those who hurt me, I have to move on, and hope fate, a higher power one day can reunite me, or allow ammends to be made, but Ive accepted people are afraid of me, and well dont want to be around me.


The reality is I know more about who and what I am as an individual and myself and my own personal jesus, I know what I am, where I am and who I am, I need to go get my trcuk because I dont want it to become like DLGs 1976 BMW 2002 , I want to keep it in good, shape, its a rare trim (FX4 with the tremor package) and it is in good shape, the first new auto I purshed, and it was my safe place, and I have my coming out memeory in there, a lot of drinking storays, a soberity memeory, and travel trips and vacations and many good and bad memeorys and also memeorys or my life and things few and far inbetween, it was my safe place sometimes and was good to me, I plan to keep it to a classic, ford is discountinuneing the rangers after 2008 and it means a lot.



I had some french frys and cofffee this morning while composeing this letter and document, I also washed my hair, svaed my legs and did my makeup after awkaing at 3am, I also slept like a rock, Not a chevy truck but allmost like one. My dreams of life are becoming a reality, It means a lot to me. The reality of what Imy chapter to my gnosticism, I also know more about my life


Furthermore, I have much to achive I am young but becoming older, wiser to my insecuritys, stupidty and indegressions, and Know what I want to become, I know who I am, I dont care about others, which brings me to NTM she is ok, a good friend but she bitches about folks assumeing about us together, or when folks say somethingt nasty she reacts and causes a big scene, and profolks them further into rage and makes and fits sterotypes, her story is she is standing up for our rights, but actrully she is causieng a big scsne and doing more harm than well, and whonestly she makes more folks reads us, and draws more attention to us and dramma, even given the fact we are the same age, transgender, same size, body type etc. the diffrentrce is, shes stright im lesbain or bisuexal, asexual.


I respect her oritnetaion and values and she does mine, but she bitches and has to much dramma, and negativeity and poor choices and complains and doesnt push her self as hard, I know what I want fame, fortuine, power, and money and wealth and education and control, my life is unmanageable and I admit such and she doesnt get it, she cant understand the facor of my self, chapter to my gnosticism or enlightment, so I progress and walk away.


Anyway I have a good day, I am loved, I am moving on and working my program, and I make progress not prefection one day at a time



--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Friday, March 21, 2008

Progress not prefection one day at time @ San Francisco





Friday, March 21, 2008

06:07:00 AM (PST)


The discovery of my sleep, and dreams to my own personal faith in life and being alive was discovered last night, I awoke in a pride, and burn out, but pride of myself, and what I have to show for myself. I have discovered money, how many autos, house and materialistic possessions don't buy happiness, is in the heart, mind, body and soul with random act s of kindness to strangers, friends and foes.


Furthermore, I know more about myself and what I must do, I have a meeting on the agenda today, yesterday I opened 3 months worth of mail that was forwarded more, and more. I also have been composing some html, xml and lava as of late for my php based leemcg..com version 3.0


I also know more about my soul and enlightenment for myself and life and who I am and became, the demons were are awakened, But I strut my stuff and self on in pride, not prejudicial. I am uncertain as to what and who I am but Know what I am and where I need to go and where I want to go today, and more and further more I know more of myself, and soul at light and bay.



I fear more of myself, and life but also Push forward for who and what I am as an individual and person into enlightenment and inner peace for my inner child, and keep the inner bitch under control and for the most part keep the bitch switch off .dreaming of peace, love and Zen to enlightenment, I move forward day after day, one day ata time, with love.


The truth is what I know and want, is good for myself, and brings peace for myself life and who I am as an individual for my soul, and mind body and spirit, and being more predictable, in spirit and mood, but taking chances and making choices and meaningless stereotypical, and judgmental and creature of habit, change more, live more and be more, and experience more.



A meeting is in order today., I over slept a bit till 4 instead of awakening at 2 or 3 am as usual, I slept ok and good, and didn't dream anything bad, EMS was active around 2am but I rooled over and went back to sleep, I also have been doing some research as my upcoming trip which I may postpone or push into the summer more or around the holiday season, Maybe go home from x mass (NOLA) and visit space city for new years depending how my student loans go through, than pay Gulp taxes so I can go to school as a resident student and make more enlightenment, I have much to do.


E-collage might be a factor this summer fall, especially if I go to the burning man fest as I always have dreamed over, I flew over the site and area of black rock city on my southwest air flight. I also made a few friends and acquaintances, but mostly keep along as I did before I started drinking, if only folks knew, I'm not as happy go lucky and adventuresome as folks would seem, my life is utterly lonely, and boring and uneventful, I just like to be where the action is.


Further more I am closer towards my goal of web new-media journalism, mainly due to the factor of web design and photography is my action, I like traveling and also want to push for change and indie media, and so other trans gender and glbt and under-served groups don't have to experience the hate, discrimination and other factors I did (some for my own likening) I know what its like to have no hope, dreams and future and all to be lost, I know what I want and am willing to go to any means to archive it, I know who I am as an individual and person, and I am going to archive it fortune, fame, money, success and glamor.


And experiencing the cut through city san Francisco, is and the constraint steels on marjuine ever-other block, its not quite what I expected, and given I am more conservative than some, but still pretty lib rial on some issues, and my political views are not exactly mainstream society and some-what radical. I am willing to cross any lines, expend anyone, or do anything to archive my goals, though within the subordinates of the law, pushing the limit, and folks it what I need to do.


The city collage has great salads and fish tacos given I am for the most part vegan veg I occasionally break rules, and I allwaqys wanted some legendary fish tacos, I might even going through LA in the upcoming travel season, go to some of las legendary taco stands, and the original Mel's drive in, where marline monress, and even pass by the diner where Pulp Fiction was filmed.













--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Thursday, March 20, 2008

life and thoughts in san francisco




Thursday, March 20, 2008


The truth is I was hurt, and hurt badly for what I know, and should have been, I am deeply in over my head, but I remain strong and proud and disciplined mentally and in spirit. I miss things, I received more bad news today as well as before, I took care of business and other affairs and matters.


I also know more about myself, life and fear, and who I am, I hurt for my past, but also opened it up, otherwise it will open me up. I resent what I did to others and in Texas, I resent what I had not done for myself, and lashing out, bitching and complaining, I miss things, I want what I once had.


But it feels better powerless, I learned to like the abuse, If I could not get it there, I got it elsewhere, san Francisco is a wonderful place of 800,000 nut jobs both left wing and right and insanity, but its home. I miss much of what I am and who I once was in my soul.


I ate well today, and am grateful for what I have, I am not fallen, or powerless but I have life, and freedom, liberty, and renewed drive, hope and a better future. I miss much of the past, but I left it behind. I want something more meaningful, all the things I under-stood and wanted was not for myself or my soul, and enlightenment is not always easily archived.


Furthermore, I know personally I am developing skills, life again and coping, the panic ends, and maybe just maybe I am getting better, Maybe I don't want the pain to end, I learned to distort reality, the pain and mind of those who have fallen facilitates me, But I want it to end, my life is starting to become better, in observation of my soul, inner woman, and child I reach more and more enlightenment for my soul


Myself, knowing more about others, web design, coding, photography, and wiring is in my blood as art, my mother had the gift, and I did also, I am so much like my mother even down to her hair, I miss my mom often, I wish she was here, I wonder if she approves of me, or my life, I think she does.


I think she was ashamed of somethings, but I made bad choices, learned a lot about myself in Texas and got sober long enough to learn to move on and forward I think.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Life in collage and san francisco




Wednesday, March 19, 2008



The the reality of myself is that I love more of what I do, as this morning I bitched someone out that had no reason to be bitched gratitude is urgent and needed more often for myself, peace and enlightenment and for who and what I am. I also know more of what I need to do for me and my soul.


The other part is needing a meeting, and the things that were given to me made me a bit well odd and obscure, Dr. MF took good care of me yesterday, I got my shots, and my hrt scripts as well last night and took care of business as well and as usual.


I passed a physical exam, he also thinks the Prozac might be good to stop and is making me to manic and panic which I agree, I also think its making me insane, and It caused me to bitch someone out. I stayed with a friend last night, going to get regular housing, and maybe cook something, my air flight is there, I also have some collage commitments this week as well for things to do for myself and my life and future and enlightenment.


I dreamed a bit last night took a shower, groomed a bit this morning as well, I look nice I also have some tasks to finish this week, I have a plan to follow, and to stay out and away of slippery people places and things.


I dreamed a bit more of my life future and enlightenment and zen and inner peace of my inner child, of myself and who I really am and want to be and not who others force me. I faced a fear. I admit I am afraid of BART, muni and enclosed cars. I talked and vented my frustrations of others, hate, myself, and my sexual assault and abuse and resentment toward CW, LR and ZK amongst others.


My finances are beginning to get in order, I talked to sonny at lambda this morning, and updated him, and things are going through. I got hit on again this morning. I also it seems certain MUNI lines I git hit on, or bitched ad my drunks more.


I dream also more so of a life, and brighter future for myself, life and enlightenment. I also lost 25 lbs in 2 months and have been working out as well and I am getting in better shape as well and reaching my sober weight loss goals if I could get down to 150 or 135 or so again I would be so delighted, I also ate some yummy tahi food, San Francisco has some great tahi, Chinese and Japanese foods as well.


I also am going to meet with BS today and ride the bart back and pickup some items, mail, and do some shopping, and get a meeting today, I also learned more about myself, inner peace, life and what I know and want to know for myself and who I am as a individual. My Prozac further more has become a bit un-manageable and moody and a royal bitch I have become.


I have a crush or two, and many admires whom mostly I Delcine (male, still smoking pot, abusive, unattractive, etc) I also have a few of my own crushes as well. I also discover more about my life, and who I am and less over-judegemtnal life and stereotype, I have perceptional as a human and female, the truth is I am insecure with myself family, grandmother and want so badly to belong and please others and myself and life, I know who I am as a individual and myself


I also know who I am as a person and where, also I want to go as a person myself, and life for who I am, as myself I know more about myself and who I am as a person and where I want to go for myself, and where I want to go as myself and where and who, what and my utterly high standards even if I break a rule now and than or two, I also know that even being friendly with my gas guzzling truck, being outside the system and myself, I learn more about, life love and myself.


I think more of others, and even though I can be a self-centered, cut your throat, evil, mischievous, selfish, self centered bitch I also know more about my life, as a person, and who and what I want and need, and where I want to go for me and my enlightenment, program, school, work and life and where I am as a person and who I want to be


I know more for my life, future and fear of the unknown and enlightenment for others and myself

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Today and last night, I was a bit restless, the pain and flashbacks are not as bad. I miss my family, I miss what I once had, all the bullshit I used to understand, and stand for, left me, it was lost and drowned in draft beer, red wine, and screwdrivers and diet coke and vokkia, and the occasionally long island iced tea, or bartender mixed drinks.


Myself, I used to think that how much you had to show for yourself in materialistic, life, progress and money, power and control and how hard you worked for yourself, how many gas guzzling pickup trucks you had, how hard you worked, going the extra mile got you ahead in life. That the latter day saint bullshit is just that bullshit.


Last night and yesterday I saw a few things that touched my heart, one the jerks on the BART brought some peace into my life, and I saw something, second. I discovered some drunk didn't like the fact I didn't want to talk to him, and called me a bitch and cold heartless bitch. I also had someone full of anger last night bitch me out, but I know when to walk-away.


I want and like and enjoy power, money, fortune, and fame and control and having a manageable life, but that was lost long ago. My over dominating personally is more, I talked to my sponsor about it. I also discovered more about my self and inner child, I wonder why I didn't get more done or what I did.



I look forward to my upcoming trip, and travel arrangements, I also think some things I should back off, I have had someone bothering folks and asking around and using social engineering scare tactics, pretending to be my worried mother, those close to me know my mother is long dead from 2001.


I miss my mother day in and day out, No other death affected me as such, even though we grew apart I miss her. I wish she was here right now, I wish I had her in my life, even if in spirit not geographic. My other plans are as follows, I have a doctors appoint. I wish myself I had grown up more, and learned more about my chapter to my gnosticism, long ago. I feel young in myself actually starting to break stereotypes, but on the other hand, I feel I am old, I turned 27 recently, and I need to do something with my life in progress of my soul to enlightenment and to make more of a future for myself, life and the unknown.



I have a late night spot, I occasionally visit before my morning meeting, one of them that I regularity attend, I also left a message for the LT with HPD to contact me and serve me with papers, and chose my right to remain silent, I donut have a warrant, and he is out of his Jurisdiction actually by almost 2000 miles and 3 states.


I don't have anything to hide and have my side of the story as well as the inconsequential, on my upcoming trip, I have no plans to even spend a dime in Texas, I will by pass the state entirely and far above, see the wonders upon my return of lake Tahoe, the mountains and things I long dreamed of, possibly even Montana, and Wyoming, where I want to live when I retire or maybe after school I would love to live in a RV park work from home a baja rv, and adventure and write code all day.


I also have hallways wanted to visit organ and Washington state. I miss myself, and I want more for myself and enlightenment, the truth of what I need to do is more in my own gnosticism and spiritual which I re-discovered my own personal jesus.


I also know more of my soul and life and what I want and is important, and I also need more for myself. I also know more of myself and life and who and what I am and where I need to go, and what I need to do for myself and my future and find inner peace and my inner child.



I saw someone yesterday that doesn't have what I have, the drunk on the bus, the woman in the drop in clinic, I saw a new arrival in san Francisco also as well, but I must remain focused, I also saw someone else a couple having fun with the jerks on the train to thw asshole drunk on MUNI who got a little to friendly during rush hour downtown.


I also know more about myself soul and inner child to whom I am with my peace and zen



--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Monday, March 17, 2008


Monday, March 17, 2008



The chapter to my own gnosticism I discovered more about my inner child, and soul. I also have opened a dark chapter to my past, that needs to be closed, even if not the most progressive manner for myself, I must face the fire and beast of my past.


I hurt dearly and want the pain to end, I know by my action and inactions, I have the right and soul to do and act and be honest and humble even if not the best for me myself, and I. I want the nightmares and dreams and suffering to end. I'm going to be honest with statement I am preparing for the San Francisco FBI Field office for my side of what happened, even facing the outcome, I am tried of struggling with my pain and suffering and portrayal and care to give my side of what happened roughly.


Maybe Justice for my sins, the sins of others toward me, and the philosophy of the factor that I am the wife who's husband came home and hit me, so I smack the kid and the kid kicks the dog, I want truth to be on record even if not pretty, the need for a EDNA and protections for gender and transender folks, the failure of EDNA and why Dennis for president is the only major candidate who drooped out that wanted a national transgender bill of rights, HRC to some degree portrayed us and failed us.


I feel failed by the actions in the Houston Transgender community, I feel hurt and portrayed by what I did but also being swept to the floor, and Chris being more concerned with her job, and outreach rather than the fact I went off the deep end, I was struggling with my transgender issues, my religion at the time ( latter day saint / Mormon) and work, a new city and overcoming my homophobia and trans phobia.


I also was bad for what I did, but I did not desire to be lacked medical care when I was sexually assaulted, I was laughed at when I attempted to report my abuse by my co-workers John, Victor, Henry, Enrique, carl, James,Roswell, elmadean, Tino. I did not desire what happe3ned to me, and I lashed out with my defensive actions.


While the tapering in 2007 saved my life I did not deserve to be tazered over and over again while in handcuffs and beaten in a cluster of patrol cars, I hit my hed, and have suffered memroty loss, I was tazered into signing a medical waver when I asked to go to the hospital, I tragedy to take out the window in the patrol car, I didn't know who I was or how I got there, the device was mis used and abused by the Houston Police department, and as a result I may have suffered nuriligoia damage.



I also feel as if I owe Christan amends, and finical amends to the community I terrorized, I also want to sue civilly given My momron bishop I confided in the abuse at work, and other factors. I feel also the abusive co workers who lived or visited my apartment complex, and terrorized me at home work and I begin drinking and abusing myself and holy temple of a body.


I feel also that I owe some blame, but also the Law enforcement agency's, HPD, Harris county constable, and sheriffs office as well as City of jersey village, and belair police owe some blame as well as some of the hospitals I attempted to seek help, town & country hospital memorial hermian, west houton general hospital.


I feel as if the tizagem and the HPD lt did not respect me as I asked to be called with the proper pronoun, I was wrong in the ways I did my transition and the implication from a community leader that is supposed to be compassionate, and given my massive memory loss from the tazer device and head trauma.


I remember parts and was able to sober up enough to leave, I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder from server rape, abuse, and panic and stress. As well as depression. I seek help and deal with my issues with my therapist as well.both in my prior county or Harris (Texas) and here In San Francisco, CA


I do have a airline ticket my only intent at the present is to travel to retrive my pickup, truck and return to the san Francisco bay area and go back to school, get back in the work force, transition and start my life over, I was born here, I have a aunt (adopted) in Oakland who is and was close to my dead mother, and I hurt more so and onward for my chapter to my recovery even if dark and depressing.


I also confided in my past and history with some members and my therapist and docot r of the local Trans gender and GLBT community, I am not proud of what I did, but its part of me I dot brag about but I do share with those I close to me, its also very painful, looking at myself in the mirror, I have some injures to my body as a result of I feel the failure of the system, and portrayal also some parts in christens acco

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sunday, March 16, 2008



I discovered more of myself, and my own chapter to my gnosticism, self-discovery and enlightenment of my soul. I dreamed of myself, and enlightenment for my soul. I learned more talking to my friend Ariel yesterday.


I discovered more of my self, past, present and future. And Learned more about my soul, self-will and discovery, I also spoke to a few folks about my transgressions. I have these flashbacks, and points of loss. My Theresita and doctor think some of it might be related to HPDs use of a tazer which I rightfully owe my life to but I don't deserve to be razer 50 times and more,


I also learned more about myself, and did it to my own chapter to my gonsoticm, have an appointment with the therapist this week , doctor, appointment at the womens clinic, and the collage and with the legal help to go to the San Francisco FBI field office on Thursday as well.


I have trouble leeting go and putting things over to my higher power and working my program, maybe I haven't been to enough meetings, and the flashbacks were occurring more frequently when LT Le hay with HPD kept calling me sir, and the other factors triggered a flashback from the PTSD and when I was at the meeting a few days before in question and was told to get out my face.


The nightmares started back, I spent part of Friday and half of Saturday, altering trying to get myself committed, I had my friend and case manager call SFPD to commit me, 4150. and I was taken, and felt better they also stupidly at the other hospital gave me some sedative painkillers that made me feel drunk, happy and angry. Ill never go back to st Marys again. A law suit might be in order.




I also know more about my chapter of my own gnosticsm and self will and discovery and love of myself, and honestly even if the truth is not pretty, I must be honest with my dealings with my fellow man, and keep my own humanity and self-love and discovery for my own gnosticism. I also loved myself and discovered more on my own life


Dealing with my own resentments, and not letting go in powerless, it was suggest that I deleite all numbers, names, peoples and places from my roldex mental (photo-graphic memorey) and on paper and let go. Its hard, but I think I can manage.


I have a lot of anger at HPD, jersey village police, bellair police, and harris county constiples, and sheriffs. And a few hopsitals for their inaction, un-compassion and lack of takeing a report for what happened. I am angry at my co-workers for abuseing me which are victor, henry, enrqiure, carl, james, john, elmaden, tino, for abuseing me at work, home on and off compnay propeery, when they abused me, I was starting to deal with a new life in houston, my gender issues, transiotn, life and away from my folks for the first time in my life.

\

I also was dealing with my crazy homo-gender phobic Latter day saint, or moromon backround, work stress from abuse, working long hours, and just not being taken seriously. I also started drinking around eaerly 2006 and burned out really bad. I am ashamed for what I did t o christan, but I feel as if being post op she thinks she better than us. I don't want to hurt her, myself or anyone else. I might have angger and be victimed in my dreams at night, abuse became the normal wheither it came from work, or law enfrocement or bar fights.


I did at one time want to die, a lot of that changed with my near death expearace from HPD and the tazer, I had a seziure and cardic arrest. I wanted to get checked out but I did not, 3 hours or a period I dont remember, I also saw my mother and angels as well as well as an abusive realitve whom is now deceased.




I learned a lot about myself, drank myself into stupidity. I also learned more about my family, self and who I really am I broke free I was lviing a lie, being someone I was not. And I dont give a fuck as much anymore. I was wrong for what I did, but I hurt, I want to make ammends, socialy and personaly I am lacking meaning, but I am planning on going back to school in the fall, amongst other thiings, I made a new more postive life for me.


A few weeks ago I tripped out when I had some flashbacks, Ive been takeing some prozac and started HRT again and ive been a bit moddy, I manged to back down for quite a amount of time, I did have contact with christan once she talked to me and I flipped out in june 2007 at a HERA function for the pride pradade.



I also went back out drinking for about a week given such, I am afraid of her, yes I am angry at my co-workers, some were arested for steling from work, others quit, left or work different jobs and shifts/ I hurt being verbaly, physcaly and mentaly abused by co-workers. I hurt having see my mother die brutaly,



I am sort of like the woman whos married to eb abuseive husband, when he comes home he hits me, than I smack the kid and the kid kicks the dog. I want to break the cycle, I was unable to get help in texas, and have gender ID protectiosns which I never want to go through that again, so I came to make a new life.


My only item to go to texas, is flying in the fall from oakland, to new orleans to retrive my truck and personal items. And drive back to san francisco.

























--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger