Ive been thinking about things I need to remain optimistic, and positive. I moved on, I uploaded some photos Sent to me from DLG and also a photo of the truck and boat. I am going back in the force able future.
I really don't need a truck in California, that auto is special to me, I came out in the drivers seat, it was my place of refuge, I have happy vacation memories, road trips, and the good and bad times of my life. And a turn for the better. I'm going to garage it and use it to go shopping in the burbs, camping and during bad weather sometimes.
I miss my folks, I went on the veg detox diet, I have a meeting and a service commitment, plus some socks and undies to wash today, and a small amount of denim and a few tops. Not much, I slept good, hair treatment is also needed. I ran out of the other stuff and some was lost during the knife attack, and I got sick shortly afterwards.
I also understood, and talked to my sponsor, I hurt knowing what I did to Christan, Zoe and others. I was wrong, I don't have any control over them and how they act or react. I miss Texas and Houston I think, I want to move on with my life its painful to live in a city where you were abused, than abused your friends, people who cared, got drunk and fucked up. It hurts knowing you're not any better than the co-workers who abused me at work and home.
It hurts knowing with your own trans-phobia, you hurt other trans, It hurts knowing I had to leave to get away from the painful reminders at LAMBA center, even here in San Francisco there are ties to lambda center as well. That Hurts. I miss folks, family, friends etc.
I hurt wanting to control other people, places and things. I hurt because I remember how wrong I was, I hope they can forgive me, I miss Houston, San Francisco is lb rial and both left and right wing and in between nut jobs. I miss the LDS church, but I don't want to worship where I am not understood.
I hurt knowing I am not any better than those who abuse women, kids or others. I hurt about my past and what drinking makes me, I hurt knowing I am alive and sober and did these things, I try and make peace with the gnostic goddess of my understanding. I want peace, love, and joy and unity.
I grew up, and had drinking and alcoholic behaviors long before I became a drunk with my own personal intensity years or pretending to be someone I am not. I moved on, sort of I kept a sponsor for 2 months, I got the “fuck its” and didn't go to enough meetings. I let go and got back, but keeping a sponsor for 2 months is a huge fucking aclop[pihsment at 7 months sober going on 8, 2 months in a few days In San Francisco.
I miss family, and friends, I miss home, I miss other things, I wish I didn't do bad things, but its the past, I have homework to do and commitments with my sponsor as well. I think this one might work, better.
Myself reflsting on the task at hand, progress, sobriety, meetings home work, and step work. And making amends and keeping myself in balance with life, mother nature and en and finding myself transitioning and enlightenment.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
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