Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens Blog - WWW.LEEMCG.COM: 2007

Monday, December 31, 2007

The reality is, I learned more about myself, did laundry, the non profit is not open today to whom some items will be donated to, took care of myself slept good after the al-anon meeting last night. Rested and took care of myself, had to leave the al-anon meeting to rest and take care of my issues, and lack of rest and sickness in my eye from smog, and to much time out doors, in space city.

Had the new battery installed in my pick em truck today, packed out rested gave the shop vac to manual and others, took care of business and other affairs. Called the folks, installed code, talked to Brandi last night, rested. I also took care of other affairs later and more recently.

Packed more and more into life, the future of the unknown, faith in myself, loving myself and a fresh start. Not to make mistakes in Houston elsewhere. I follow in my fathers footsteps of becoming a drunk, under pressure. Not to mention I have become the bitch my mother was, and the insanity of running with size ours the movie I watched more recently, enlightened me to the insanity I faced.

I also know I am making this move for the correct reasons for myself, life and a chance at being alive into enlightenment, love and myself. If I am going to start transitioning again which is partial reason for my utter depression and panic, wanting what I once had peace with my true self, which drinking, disorder, rasping hell and panic and chaos became the norm.

As we roll into this new year my result ions and goals are as follows

Become more humble, honest, outgoing and loyal and open up more

Accept myself, transition in the city of my new home

Continue going to meetings in sfo and ignore others selfishness.

Love myself, life and enlightenment.

Become self-aware with my new therapist active

Go back to school, live at the Y and old hotel much as my father got his roots as a poor kid from the Bronx

Also be true to myself, and not over judgmental, hypocritical, evil and minuscule and more kind to others.

I also know I might and will in my program of aa and enlightenment come to face those I wronged this is not to run away but because I am unable to get the medical care I need, and want to be treated as a equal, the unawareness

I know upon my arrival with the conucleing housing and other things I found, SFO has a lack of a on-line transgender community, I plan to go into activism, lobbyist, and awareness for Trans gender cause which they treat us more as equals there under law.

I also know I want to help other women and trans women with aa- and medical care, nursing or social work and IT are my areas of interests and general business and sales, I like power, trust and responsibility. I am getting old Ill be 30 soon, and need to work toward my gaols and bottom out more in to humility.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Sunday, December 30, 2007

I also learned today on the eve, of New Years Eve, More about myself life and fear of the unknown, the selfish self-centered lee, bitch, and lieing attention whore, narcissist will be left behind. I hurt trying to find or rediscover myself sober, I feel anger, poetry, at myself, others and factors of insanity and oppression, and self-destruction.

I also know its time to move, on let, go and fire up my pickup truck I also know I have to do a few more things, new truck battery before the trip, laundry, pack, court clothes and other affairs before the day of reckoning and discovery for myself and life, and being alive.

I also know 2000 miles of open road 4 states, and 1 to get out of, 2 to pass through, and 1 to enter, and also the 2^nd largest. I also learned more about myself, life and being loved, and will have spiritual experience now and in between and also till the trip and faith for a better life, love, and to be respected and not discriminated or treated like a 2^nd class person, and have better access to respect and services, you can have a community, activism but without services and awareness it sucks ass.

Anyway moving forward made progress today much much progress on the task at hand the next few days I have to clean house, take out garbage and get rid of items for the task at hand before I run out of town and run so far away, on the highway.

Have a drs apointment next week and much to do and to move on, and go west young woman to the area of my birth cut some ties and run away to a better life and tommorow.

12/30/07

I need to and must become used to pushing myself hard, again. The drive in life and reality is surreal and alive. I want to be alive, and in myself again. I don't hold others accountable to bail me, out or to blame for prior actions, inactions and the manner of them both.

The Pain, and lack of awareness, understanding is surreal, and hurts so good to let it bleed out with the keystroke, word and action now, and know when to speak and when to shut up. The time has some to make a choice and I have, in faith my higher power, zen and enlightenment.

I know what I must do, for me and myself alone. The path I walk while I talk the walk and walk the walk. Resentment is dangerous, fear of the unknown is to be justified, and understood given the reality of the insanity of my choices, life, fate and path.

People fear what they do not understand, I fear myself this town, the massive pain and insecurity and fear of the unknown on 2000 miles of IH-10 and IH-5 and 3 states and crossing the lone star state is a adventure though risky, the gains outweigh the risks, and the adventure and self-love and self-parenting and mental, physical and spiritual discipline must be kept to obtain enlightenment and zen

The other factors fear of loss, fear of life, fear of dieing ,fear of myself. I am making the right choice I know in my heart, even though the fear of the unknow faith and my higher power has shown me the path, look before you leap and take a leap of faith.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

12/29/07

The reality of my life is I must grow and prosper, ran into someone I know from my clubbing days. Made reconncetions and discovered myself more and more. Packed out, had some drug dealer or jukie knock on my door looking for the prior tennat of my apartment

Slept more made a few friends and took care of business, the documents came today awaiting on a package or two and progressing more and more into myself and zen ate kinda good today and progressed more and more into life, myself and my true self. I grew more and more and learned more

Friday, December 28, 2007

12/28/07

I am deeply worried about the upset in Pakistan, and the civil unrest, the upcoming election. I recently watched live free or die hard, the the movie is very surreal and fearful. The reality is the lies we have been told to the American public,even though I dislike bush, and the administration I find things like the countdowns to the last day in office for bush disrespectful and unpatriotic making us the laughing stock warmonger of the world.

Halibrutions scandals and sexual harassment suit and further disgust with Texas, and a Texan I am disgusted with the president and the andantes on both sides, I hope we get a new party or ind pendant. I also very busy with packing and preparing for my trip out of town to zen and enlightenment, and traffic court and told some folks where to go to hell.

There is a saying amongst law enforcement you can beat the wrap but you cant beat the trip. I need to shut the fuck up and have some respect for the rules, the panic, cohos and disorder is disturbing and disgusting to myself and my pride

And to think I was at one time going to service my country doing storm reclamation work, and trucking from the gulf coast to Iraq to the Alaskan ice bridge at a time when truckers and Iraq were prime targets and anyone who wanted to go could due to the lack of backwater security and qualified c andantes.

Its amazing the changes I have found in myself, I am getting to old and wise and lib rial for my own good and adventure the paths and choices we make in life, wow.

Friday, December 28, 2007

The reality of something else I discovered about myself. I hate fucking diners, drunks, and crowds. I like to be a homebody, but My home was taken from me, I wonder If I can ever feel secure alone again. I am more secure with myself in some ways, someways I am also insecure.

Blah I'm going to be 30 soon, its a given if you are single when you hit 30 you will be alone your whole life, in lonely solitude, blah it makes you wonder what the future holds. I could be marred now doing the church denial thing, I could have married CJ or I moved on, I could have married BW also as well, but I moved on. Blah I wonder what the future holds, the open road and adventure only time will tell,

BW was wok with it, CJ was not. Blah. I might look CJ up when I pass through close to Austin, and San Marcos on my road trip If I take the detour on that road, and go back to IH10 westbound, I also might go shopping at borders soon as well. I have been dreaming of a white new year maybe we will get one during my road trip. I also will upload some more photos from my adventures along the way, even though its alone, I wish I had a big dog or a big lab or something of that nature.

Knocking on heavens door, I progress into enlightenment afraid, but sad but knowing I am making the correct choice to enlightenment and en and to the future and the unknown choice I made, I know I am making the right ones, even if its a bit iffy. Pray and hope for me a safe journey and adventure I also have been dreaming of a white birthday or new year so to speak of on some degree of the nature I think.

I slept and rested a bit and have been doing what I must and have a busy weekend ahead packing, planing and touching up last minute affairs in my life, love and fear of the unknown.

I also have been thinking of how a bitch and evil I used to be old vs the new and improving me back to the good church or higher power less evil lee. I at one time used to be really naughty. I would send folks I dont like diet magazines, get on mailing lists, junk mail, spam, email. Hack websites, lans, wireless lans, have their drivers recrods fucked up, have their plate run, make them a living hell. I dont stalk, or harass and have let go learned to live and let be.

I also learned more and more, in the midnight hour she wants more more more, I suppose I want what others have, had and I once had its a bitch to get out of. I dont resent others as much any more the anger at CW, LR and others are non exisant. I know you have to grow, and live and let be. I know to grow into enlightment, you must progress more and more. I know that I am alive.

I also know that I was wrong, I know that you have to let go as I had to with GM, and CJ and BR those I loved, cared for and are ill, disagree with my “evil & sinful” life, or I destoryed with drinking or they destroyed with their drinking it hurts.

12/28/07

Packed out more things, No hard feelings to the person next door who went away. I think she found her remote. Lucky I have a heart, and no resentments just AS I did this and that. I composed more and more with my life.

I am close to achiveing my goals one of the reasons I discovered being transgender, and transtioning just as with aa, you have to be selfish to yourself, others around when your brains sink down on your ears on to the floor.

Be selfish, to achive you goals, but within moderation. The bitch next door to me, pissed me off acuseing me of putting a hit out on her cat, I have no issue with that, and I bet she found it, I did not mean to bitch at her I just needed a meeting when we crossed paths at 2pm or so.

Slept good, ate good this morning, composed more and more for my task at hand, cleaned have laundry some grocery shoping and packing to do, and some business and personal phone callas to make before My big day and road trip. The date is near, and the path is very very clear.

I also have more and more to achive and grow and prosepr for myself life, and fear of the unknown. My date and path is becoming clear, have a drs apointment with dr sami in a week. Also have more tasks to achive at hand. I get to visit MM soon next week. Traffic court is upcomeing, called the folks. And talked to brandi a bit yesterday.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Thursday, December 27, 2007

the god of my understanding humbled me today. With pride and disocvery and forgiveness and the inner bitch swtich is off. I can control my emotions and spirtuality more and more. I after the bitch next door to me wrongly acused me of catnaping her pussy kitty, which I did not, or killing it or sending it to a better place, I resented that but didnt drink or destory over it.

She is moving out to go back to school, I found her remote control and taped it up for alexis next to mdoor for the discovery of myself, life and more, and left a phone number for aa intergroup the old action give it was dark and lost in the driveway was to run it over with my truck which my keen eyesight and higher power led me to it, and I left a note to “go to a meeting” with the houston aa website and intergroup phone number wraped up in a zip lock bag by her door. To protect it from the elements.

The fucking kids on xmass who tried to provolke me on the highway I uignored calling me a fag, freak and queer and they lost intrests near 45 and the south loop on my trip to galviston island.

I also ate ok, called brandi, went to a meeting after I bitched at her, and her friends. Have much to do my paTH is clear and must get busy busy busy to achive my goals. I vbuitched at her doing my oncall work a lot of drunks called intergroup the day after xmass, could not take them all even for a few people went and got the blue book of houston resouces out of my pick em up truck.

12/27/07

Cleared out my junk, and simplfyed my life more today, made travel plans, making last minute prep before my apperance in municipial court in jan, for my traffic ticket. Cleared out more and more and my life, also took care of other matters.

Cleaned out the apartment, have laundry to do, moved items. Talked to Brandi and a few others, have my motel arangements along the way, have the trip overs for my travel plans. The lone star state can kiss my ass goodbye.

Composeing a few ammends letters or simple to the point post cards for a few people who even if they dont care I care to drop them a line. I also went to the post office today picked up items and have faith, that things will work as planned even if not the way I want it.

My life is not going well, I grow tried of this body I have abused, I grow tired of wanting to be someone again, someone that I truly am and the chronic nightmares, and depression and pain and lack of awareness caused me to move of faith and hope of a better life someplace else.

I grow tired of people not reffering to me with proper pronouns, the deisre of self-termation is strong but fight it for a better life, and help elesewhere, with the best ambissions. I hope for a future brighter than here.

I have faith in something and a power greatfer than myself, life, love and being alive not just exisiting in a bag of bones. Optimisiom is key as is faith, postive thinking and outlook. Just two or three more weeks and the pain will be gone,

I have laundry to do, go to my mini storage and finish packing out on the lone star state, passes me by, dont mess with texas.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

life in space city and the islands

12/26/07

The growth of myself, and sobriety and being humble. I found out recently that while the calls were not being transferred from aa intergroup but as up to 1pm today if you called the LAMBA center, you received calls to my personal cell phone a minor oversight. The other factor is sonny tried to use his cell phone to turn of the call forwarding the insanity of age and oversight between generations.

They had a really good 12:15 meeting at lambda today, I missed the eyes wide shut due to a rough night on call at lambda, crackpots, drunks., people with sobriety and also suicidal crisis, al-anons wives of drunk husbands, people regretting drinking, and people who just got out of county jail, and others.

It was a rough night answering calls for the day after Christmas in the 10 county metro area, But I am alive, I went to a meeting on Galveston island yesterday, after my run on the island, and did not get much sleep last night.

Recently, I composed more thoughts of what to discuss of my plans, the sanity and lack of sane living. I hurt knowing and Had some flash backs to my mother on Galveston island, in meetings, and out and about and around town.

I value my sobriety, life, love and a dry fist. I also know folks in meetings know they do not want to see me drinking, I have to be honest and admit my faults, seek help and ask and you shall get the knowledge and sanity you require.

I must do not monkey hold miss prissy hand, it doesn't work that way. I am grateful to grow have enlightenment and start over, one day at a time. I also will not bug folks and shut the fuck up more to grow and live and learn more.

Today is my dead aunt AM who I was with when she died in 2000 a year before My mother roughly around 18 years old, someone at one of the churches I occasionally visit in Houston reminds me of her, furthermore I learned more about myself, and passed the motel and beach house my mother stayed at with SRK and another ex and friend late into her life.

My mother was cool and ok, I think she drank occasionally, even though I never saw her drunk nor my family drunk the dry drunk dysfunctional was there none the less, I grew today more about life, and the unknown and fear there of.

I also learned more about choosing life, being positive outgoing and assertive opening up admitting defeat and being fucking honest, and taking fucking accountability for my life, actions and most importantly the past, present and future and being honest, committed, loyal with myself

Ate sort of ok, today had a baked potato from midtown BBQ, the HPD Narc squad is out and about kicking ass and rounding up snitches in the wards and hood, busting dealers and rolling them against each other gotta love your tax dollars at work

The truth also more so talked to MM and set up a apointment with Dr Sami what the hell cant fucking hurt? Im here now things change and shit happens if Im not fucking here than it wont fucking matter.

Went to a meeting and feel less miss barbie bitch, opened up and just well let go over to my higher power and enjoyed the AL ahton, on christmass- eve

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

12/25/07

Had a amusing day today, took photos out on Galveston island, went to a meeting or two. Have these feelings and emotions and weird things, it was the first time I drove on a freeway, and on hills in a long time. I also had some fuck heads mess with me on 45 near the south sam Houston toll way fuck with me flip me off and say a bunch of obscenity and verbally taunt me, and I walked away from it on my way down there.

I found some sea shells, and part of a coral which amused me, a very hard peace of a reef in the foam and surf side, ate good arrived back in Houston around 2pm, and ate left leftovers from labma, had more meemories of my mother, others and things from the past.

Also remembered more of my life, and grew more, was scared shit less I don't like driving anymore, the freeways and those that drive from Galveston to Houston or from clear lake, weber, frendswood, pearland, league city etc are insane.

I keep my mind busy and jogged around Galveston island and ran around the sea wall and went running. Its better than self-termination or a Remington shotgun to the head, in a abandoned building, or jumping 20 floors to my death and blood splattered over the ground.

I also did not see many or much law enforcement today, on my time on the island, I only saw one Galveston county sheriff on the area. Doing a traffic stop close to the Harris county line (half way) in

I also passed and mucked around Tiki Island a bit. And had to use the 4x4 nice having a Baja Pickup Truck. I want my peace, and love of life and optimism again, and the resentments and insanity to end, self termination inst a option , nor is drinking, I'm not sure.

I think my time is coming in closer and close somewhat of sorts I don't know why, I had a spiritual experience to myself, I had peace I occupied my pain and learned I cant handle change or a road trip or insanity or much else. I don't know what I do not want to be mind fucked.

Maybe admitting defeat to the insanity is good, maybe the end isn't so near, maybe just the beginning But I already Knew that, It scared the shit out me, my neighbor was drinking, I have a nose for a drunk and stupidity

The other factor is I also have more and more and grew myself, I know what I must dod even if I have not done, it I have zen even though its not pleasant I have enlightenment sort of I think one day at a time I go back in time, I remember now and remembered painful, things I don't want to remember but I did, reality is a bitch, so I deal with it, I just don't talk about it, I cope sort of, I have to love myself, live breathe in passion, love and joy again I hope anyway, I hope to live another day in spirit again, I hope to breathe in passion sort of. I'm going to get an eye exam also soon.

I slept good and last night went to a al-at hon at a 24 hour club, and met some young folks under 18 aa members and under 21 who already fucked them selves up and had some juvenile probation and Juvenile Department of corrections kids there.

Monday, December 24, 2007

12/24/07

I wonder why I wake day after day, touching the light, and why death does not follow, why I live and not die. Why clarity and soberity has passed me by, I reject the bottle, and toss the gun, now I dont cry on roof top parking garages at night, playing russian rolette with a 45 auto at night I do not.

I wonder why I dont go to hell, pull the trigger and go down I fall, shock myself with the TV or microwave, slash my wrist left to right, cut whats left of my former self off down below and bleed to death tonight, I pull the trigger but I keep coming back.

I sober up and understand, I understand what I am and where I want to go today, I know who I was and lied to myself and lied to others, I know the path I am takeing is correct for me, myself and I just dont know how I get by.

The reality is I do what I must to grow, live learn and prosper. I know I am right and wrong, I know that being over thinking, and not controling my inner bitch and self is right and wrong. I know I know nothing, I know a Mind is a shame to taste. I know Myself, is nothing without soberity and love, and peace love and a dry fist.

I discovered more about life, and living not exisitng but being out of body into zen, enlightenment, and love, and myself I know its not just me, me ,me but I have to grow, blossom and be more and more into life myself and I.

The also growth of myself, love and I is good for what I need to discover in my soul, life and the after life of myself I and life and living and learning about who and what I am. I hurt for the fact I know I am not about me myself, and I and the dark side of the force and I must grow to achive enlgihtment, peace and forgiveness of myself, and self-love. I must shut the fuck up at times, and set my mind into inner peace.

12/24/07

Went to a meeting, sent a few letters, packed talked to folks, sent out some e-mails to loved ones, neighbour came home last night, blah. Spent last night answering intergroup aa houston phone calls, slept more.

Talked and composed more and more. Took care of my life, watched a sunrise, resting and composeing my blog at a coffee shop that is open while prepareing for my road trip to treatment, pondered death vs life a bit yesterday went to a meeting or two, grew more and more.

Blah, life is a bitch HPD was at the donut shop this moring, and overheard the drunks crashing on the freeway last night, slept like a strange little girl and grew in myself

12/23/07

The reality of my growth and personal life is clear. Treatment, support, change in my inner child has grown as enlightenment progresses. I know more and more the path I shall take, others may warn and rightly so it will not be a easy one.

But first things, first sobriety above all, and the wall and walk of the straight and narrowing. I grow and sprout the blossoms of love, discovery and steps of joy. I have grown and been born of again, dry and sober, out and proud the inner girl blossoms her crown jewels.

I grew more and more, and understand a Change could do me harm and good. I know progress is not always easy, temptation and zen is hard but the end result is utterly rewarding and progressive and brings myself and others joy, through unity, service and recovery.

I have much to archive with my goals, plans and future for myself, others and life. Its a birth of child, others and myself. I am enjoying answering Houston AA Intergroup Phone Calls. The choice is clear and very near, municipal court grows near and life is dear.

Anyway I discovered more about myself, life and enlightenment and grew more, into myself, life and the known of the path to follow understanding I follow myself where I go and I must remain, focused and disciplined and restrained in my emotions, actions, inactions honesty and self-growth and enlightenment.

I saw my crush today, my crush has no clue as I am to shy. I also saw more and more and grew more to focus. The dreams of the pacific coast highway, Yosemite natational park and zen and much much closer than previously and enliughtm,ent, talked to my aunt, dad, uncle and others knowing the path I am taking will be a lone one with the lone ranger minus the lone star, into sobriety.

The other factor is zen, enlightenment and living not existing not as much in myself, but the world around me, pushing aside resentments, growing, and watching my self, how I carry myself, and giving back and service and being loved and loving to others, and not as much selfish in my soul but growing into service.

Being true to myself is important to my program and growth in life, being myself is more important but not as much important to my soberity and program. And lviing with myself, loving myself and parenting myself through inerpersonal growth and good choices, optimism and enlightment for me myself and living.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

12/23/07

Went to a meeting this morning, Had the anger and went to a meeting in lulu of church, Slept good through the insanity of drunks, x mass suckers, and life. Pondered, prayed and learned attitude is 90% of my issues, I have tazer dart marks, a cut and scar and massive pain in my body, due to resentment, bitterness and the inner bitch.

Woke up and down, my neighbor is still having her issues, Pondering but set on the move somewhat, I have traffic court upcoming as well. Rested more and pondered at breakfast at someones house, rested more and more, and went where I had to enlightenment and zen.

Going to talk to MM before I chose to do this and that. I don't know How I live with myself being lonely, sad and depressed drinking is not a option and failure is not a option, I am uncertain, MM said The Harris County Hospital Dist has improved their treatment of Transgenders, and says I should give them a chance not to mind fuck me again, which I will not discuss, what I was told one time during a 24 hour self eval and self-commitment and other hospital districts and the MHMRA of harris county, I refused to be mind fucked further by others, I cant get the help, and medical care I need I am moving weither you know or like it or not.

I can not ask Chris, or HACS for help, I don't want to burden others more, I told MM how I feel, I am not angry, but I will not submit or I can admit my faults and defeat, I don't have a sponsor per say during the holidays staying sober is hard enough.

The trip is planned on Jan 25 after I get settled a bit, they are having a Trans gender Rescouce, and employment conference, and also I spoke to a few shelters about housing, 12-step programs and treatment.

I have meetings layed out along the way, I don't want to leave, but Being Trans gender, my past transgressions and bad choices, self destructive actions hurt, and its in my interest, Ill cerate my 27^th birthday In My birthplace, out proud, bottomed out.

I know I have to return to Houston at some point to offer my apology and amends, and pick up milestone chips at lambda, I dislike driving more and more.

Its the choice and My path to live someplace where laws protect us better, start over someplace affirming with better resources even though pricey. Id rather be poor and a penny pincher that go through the terror, I saw JH and a few other folks yesterday who mistreated me up in River Oaks and a few other folks from the wal-mart crowd that mistreated me. My path is zen, and self-love and sobriety and transition even if rocky will be elsewhere not Houston.

I have roughly 18-19 days left in The Lone star state, pending out come of traffic court, I also wish folks would reach their hand out again, I don't want to leave, but I don't want more legal problems, reports with HPD or issues with offending others, if Christan, or others or her boss John would reach out their hand I would take it I cant get help with the panic, medial reasons, or the medicine I need, I have to leave to keep zen if I cant get the help I need.

12/23/07

I know I have to return to Houston at some point to offer my apology and amends, and pick up milestone chips at lambda, I dislike driving more and more.

Its the choice and My path to live someplace where laws protect us better, start over somepalce affriming with better resouces even though pricy. Id rather be poor and a penny pincher that go through the terror, I saw JH and a few other folks yesterday who mistreated me up in River Oaks and a few other folks from the wal-mart crowd that mistreated me. My path is zen, and self-love and sobrity and transtion even if rocky will be elsewhere not Houston.

Friday, December 21, 2007

I'm depressed, I spoke to MM about getting more detailed help, I want help and am willing to give more submission and be more humble about it. I grew more today in myself. The stress is massive, I don't resent others or much anymore even if I felt poterayed and insecure and lashed out. But Ive let go.

Its my program, I have a meeting to catch and to hit the road before road rage hits me, I must live long, and grow and prosper and not due to pray bullshit but grow into enlightenment, zen myself and the art of inner peace.

I have been sleeping better and being cool, calm and collected even if itzy a bit, to speak. I must grow the alternative is insanity and enlightenment, prayer alone is not enough, evolution and zen and improvement is more.

Windows VISTA has built in disk partationing even if its not totally ready for prime time, I soon want to when I have the time and foucs to boot VISTA, XP and Linux and Maybe BSD

I also wrote new code for my site, and a few personal, business and other letters and made further planning. I am thinking about Installing SUSE Professional on my laptop when I reformat.

12/21/07

The reality as of late talked to MM, today about my issues, and not getting mind fucked again due to my transgender issues, and the harris county hospital district. I am working to seek help. Called the folks, went to a meeting, cleaned house, washed my truck will wash it again later in the weekend, a few coats of wax are also in order, as is a trip to the auto zone.

Sent tax document requests, will send a letter to the workplace via certified mail later in the week, with delivery and signature confirmation. Also will write, and answer phones for intergroup and make a meeting with Nancy B, want into Kathy F yesterday. Called my sponsor and told her I was a bitch, spoke to carter and someone else.

Prayed and pondered as well going ruining,ran into AL today, also composed a few letters and documents also. I cried yesterday and today moped at home, and cried myself to sleep last night. I did not go to I hop last night, I pondered and prayed more. I went to the post office recently, sent the transfer in. and composed myself and documents.

I wrote some PHP recently as well. And installed frontage scripts. I also called Brandi W, and sent a few e-mails out, called the local place for my jumping ship, if Fate carry that out, which I do not want. I am just trying to make it through x-mass sober. And thinking about biblical proficiency that are becoming true to the American public who has become so stupid and senile.

I am sorry that you saw a dark side, the other day. lately Ive been a
bit moody and desiring for time to pass. My upcoming traffic court
hearing.
Image your whole life, everything you did, became liked was a lie,
everything you did was to please, others you relocated to Texas by
choice to explore and work toward those goals, and work away from your
prior religious affiliation and feelings. only to be abused, yet your
own homophobia, religious issues, and lie of your true inner self and
gender idneity has been burning away for close to 24 years at that
time.

You are being abused at work, home and your home was violated, your
church Friends you cant speak to due to gender confusion and sexual
sins being of serious nature in the latter day saint faith. You lash
out at people who tried to help. ruined your life, work, family and
well being. flushed your collage scoller ship down the toilet and feel
you have to leave town to get help. for your panic, depression and to
live someplace where you are protected under state, Federal, and city
law you are willing to go to any leights to transtion even to go
bottom out in a shelter that will be safe for you by the laws of the
metro area.

you know that 3 things matter
1.) soberity
2.) transition
3.) school & work

the first two are above all else

Imainage when you did seek help from law enfrocment, you were told you
cant be raped, and I was in denial and need to go elsewhere. Imiange
being hit, and abused at home, and work and not takeing other folks
hand who cared, imanage drinking away the pain, and now sober knowing
I did this to myself. Imiange pushing your postive inflkuances away
from me, and haveing to leave town not to cause others further pain,
to bottom out with the one thing you do have faith. faith of a better
time, and life.--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Thursday, December 20, 2007

12/20/07

Packed going to talk to MM about my plans, and took care of some other affairs and issues, have to mail the letter to 3296, and keys to DLG. Talk to my sponsor and other folks, and move on with my life. Spoke to Brandi, talk to a few other folks, make some ammends, and say goodbyes. Have to do what I must, talk to the traffic court atty, and take care of other affairs.

Do Laundry cleaning, packout and prepare for my relocattion, and offer. I have made contact with a few local groups and orgs, and know what I must do. I also am working on a few other issues.

I need to make a few ammends, to a few folks I pushed away recently, and just need to take care of some things as well. I also need to go out to the mini storage and take care of affairs out in that area as well.

The new tires are rolling well, at the present I have castrol syntec 5-w-50 which is my Oil of choice, and a extd life filter. I spoke to a few other folks recently a few aquainces of mine will also be moving where I am going soon, as well.

I have a triptick form AAA texas, I am going to get my free maps for my trip, some of the places know Im coming, I may get some texas post cards to drop along the way of the trip to let others know I am alive and well and kicking it across the USA.

I have a plan, place to stay, meetings to attend along the way, and otther affairs, traffic court upcoming and even do some time in the slammer I Must get it dismissed that day. I also have my new inspection sticker, and other things I have done.

Merry christmas, texas, and I go along the path to enlightment.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

12/19/07

I am so very sick, of myself, life and others around me. I cant get help after trying and trying, I am not treated with dignity and respect for what I am. Every night I go to sleep, and dream the pain over and over, the nightmares are unbearable. I want help but alas, unless I go completely nuts, and go on a rampage I cant get it. The depression and pain of what Enrique, john, victor, henry, and carl, elemadean, and james, and tino did to me is horrid.

Night after night, I am abused over and over, the pain never ends. The terror I cause others with the constituent pain and suffering of others is bad.

12/19/07

The reality of my life, is choices are good. I have chosen to take faith, abandonment, and life and Christ and to live not exist. Even though poor choices, bad influences and lieing to myself, others, and scamming my way though life, sobriety, work, school and myself the minulipulation of myself, others and the powers around me.

My Insecurity was the choice that made this and other things to come play at be, I might have to leave town to get the help I need, toatly bottom out, traffic court is aproaching and You have to do what You must, I ponder pray and prepare one day at a time

Each day I dont drink, or do something bad, or do something wrong is good. I understand how batman, bat girl, etc became what they were through crimes being commited to them. They fought crime or others become villans.

Monday, December 17, 2007

12/17/07

The reality of my life, and who I am is weird. I struggle with life, myself but remain sober. I have to do whats right for me a fuck everyone else. Be a selfish bitch, and cunt but in the right way. I like fucking power, and control but narcissism, pity party, anger and rage is my downfall to zen, enlightenment and freedom of bondage.

The other part is Ill be 27 years old in about a month from now. I'm getting old, people are getting married, folks are having kids, getting divorced, and moving on. I am having a holly jolly sober Christmas.

My truck is fixed and willing, have to pick up one of those stick on mirror things at the auto parts store, later, before I detail it in the morning, do laundry, cook, grocery shop, clean house, and send of the letter via certified mail for a TAX and matter in my life to close.

Took the freezer to lambda, I donated my old meat and junk food deep freezer there, my old drink and booze and soda fridge to the Houston ERA. I also coded my site today, installed more code, and extensions to the web server. Soon, on the alt server I plan to install mailman or majordomo list software, in the event a few lists I belong to need a new hosting home.

I found a good Point of sale system I think for installing on the temple with some Internet ordering ideas. I also am feeling pretty dark good and zippy today, talked to my dad, and going to email and call my aunt in Cali.

I fixed my computer and did some maintenance, watched Death Proof recently was very enjoyable and captured Austin, Texas very well. Zoe on that movie reminds me of someone whom I hold a place in my heart for trying.

Want running recently I have to shed my holiday pounds, and get more zen and discipline in my life, made a few new connections. Recently Ive been dreaming of patsy Cline in my sleep walking after midnight, and crazy how odd is that and well Texan. Blah.

I also had a problem with my master Cil leaking in my truck in addition to the two new tires. In other news my 4x4 is runing along good. I have been dreaming off a white Christmas, I love the weather the cold, rain, ice, and sleet. I love fucking snow, cool and adventure somewhat.

I dream of the burring man fest and my pickup truck and a jay co pop up a dog, and maybe a partner in crime. And hosting meetings in my home at the fest, a bike would be awesome on the rear bumper of my truck in addition to a inboard generator and solar panels for the pop up.

I dreamed about my crush last night, and a dog I would like to adopt a nice rugged huskies or medium to long hair dog, I like big fluffy dogs.

Got a new sponsor, and still have my old one, I have another trans gender, and a gay man who reminds me of someone positive in my life. I might have a female sponsor in the future this just works atm.

12/17/07

Went to a meeting last night, went to bed early, composed a letter to send certified mail for my tax information and forms. Sent out some applications, took my truck to the auto shop, packed clothes, called my sponsor.

Composed a few personal letters, called my therapist and other folks. Watched Grind house with kurt Russel filmed in Austin, and yes the movie has some realistic Texan in it and Austin. And has a lot of pulp fiction references, and kurt rusel fucks with the wrong lesbian couple and gets shot and killed and blundered to death at the end by two angry lesbians.

In other news, called the folks, prepared the letter to go to work got the documents to get the tax forms I need for my, I composed a letter to the work.

I talked to DLG & PMG today, went to a meeting and TCB.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

news and views and myself

12/16/07

My right side hurts, pulled something. It aches, as does my left side and my many marks from work and other things mostly archived in Houston, though a few childhood scars, one on my right leg, my head mark made in high school when I feel and split my head open in my freshman year I was known for the kid who busted their head open.

I remembered something more recently a Insecurity and self-development. And other tasks. I have laundry to process today, I packed, ate ok, slept ok, recharged and will tough things out. The wet and cold weather, Texans have no clue. I love the weather. I love, the cold, rain, snow, and when its cold.

I dream of telecommuting in Montana or retiring a ranch in the mountains and rural high life would be great, or a loft or townhouse in the bay area. The upcoming election seems odd, and disappointing. I like Dennis Kucinich due to his support of transgender inclusive EDNA but it would be to far left, Clinton is ok, but again a flip flopper, and a lier of being supportive of unions she was the first woman on the board at Wal-Mart and just dont trust her. Obbma has not much experience is ok, but skinhead groups and neo Nazi, and the KKK would really hate Obbma.

I like Nader and see myself as a green party, libertarian, and ind pedant swing voter.

The county jail bond failed In Houston due to the fact of total lack of law enforcement we spend so much on the city of Houston police department IT and information systems in fact we have a bigger IT budget than the other 4 larger city's in the united states, due to the lack of law enforcement, being a major city with zero zoning and urban planing.

We have the problems of LA, NYC and some where in the mix folks are tired of the lock them up, Texan thing. The big deal is due to having to put cops where the spikes in crime and GPS and real time crime and 911 tracking every 6 hours and soon to be hourly real time crime updates and in car GPS systems.

Now you pay Your HOA a fee, for fast police response so you don't become a Joe Horn, which the big disgrace is he is wrong, He shot someone across the street. The other deal is the roads are falling apart partially due to hurricane Katrina destroying the port of New Orleans and making Houston the port capitol of the united states of America, over loaded trucks are destroying our once proud Texas highways.

In other news, the town home across the way is still building up, my old neighborhood was the scene of another murder and home invasion and glad I left that area, id rather put up with the inner loop and big city that suburban outskirt apartment problems in the crime ridden complexes of west chase / memorial / spring branch.

George W Bush as further disgraced this country due to giving our Oil rich Alaska land to the ruskies. The war in Iraq is costing tax payers more, The ICE (formerly INS) is now using commercial airlines to deport illegal criminals in Houston due to the lack of armed forces transports. We have more and more things going over there, and a grave yard of hummers, and other equipment on the rails or Houston.

The KBR rape case, and backwater groups as well as the wackenhuts long listed ties to murder for hire and CIA front is saddening. The cover ups lies and disgrace to united states of America that we give the ruskies oil rich land, the lack of media outrage and focusing on stuck of parris Hilton getting busted again for DUI or Britney puts her kids on ebay, or OJ doing a armed robbery is disgraceful we want real news.

The famous BBQ join long lived to The bush family and joy is closing in wake of more inner city town home development due to Big Oil greed in Houston, Otto's BBQ is soon to be town homes while the suburban ones will be gone the Old BBQ place will be town homes, much like the cirrus house and maybe even the beer can house will be gone soon.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

12/16/07

cleaned house, sorted laundry, took care of issues. Rested, ging to church of some odd profession in the morning, went to a meeting , called my spnsor, hurt my left side moving, took care of business

She cry s a tear of pain. Lies down and cry s to sleep at night.

Her 38 by her side, she plays Russian roulette with pride.

She lives a day again, to face the pain.

And Not blow her brains out in the cold depressing November rain

She slashes her wrists left and right,

she cry because she can not die, left, right or at her side

12/15/07

Cleaned house went to a meeting or two, packed things sorted laundry. Fueled my pick em up truck. Went to a meeting, called a sponsor, called a friend of bills. Read the newspaper, rested, recharged, groomed, showered and much much more to come. Took a few photos also

Took care of the issue with AAA Texas in progress have much to do later this week, later and keep you posted on my so called life. I also found zen, enlighhtment, life and inner peace. Even though I lost focus as of late. Im on track sort of, and doing life

Friday, December 14, 2007

12/14/07

One of the reasons of my soberity and good choices, is because someone I was drinking with killed 3 people not intentionaly but killed folks. I was invited out with folks, and I chose sober, drinking season is hard, my first sober drinking season seince 2005.

I am alive, well and well just sort of there. I am making it

12/14/07

I am tired of hurting, the pain bleeding in. called my sponsor today, figured out the issue with the problem with the documents for the auto repair, must go into the shop asap. God I am stupid and have allowed my life to become unmanageable.

Took care of other affairs more recently. Also took care of other matters. Send some payments off, talked to other folks. Did some e-mail house cleaning, and wrote come code today.

Did some research more recently. Ive been at peace pretty much as of late. I must move on and move forward.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

12/14/07

Im answering phones for AA Intergroup for the christmass season during the hollidays in houston during when the offices are closed. Service rules. I also am going to do some tidying up at lamba for the season.

I bitched out some folks today when I did not sleep much this week, I need to HALT more I was very tried today, and blacked out around nooner. Or so. I worked and did service work, have to call the insurance co laster this week for the documents I need for my projects this week later.

I hurt because of what I did, and want to run so far away if I must. I talked to a made a few new friends, did not reach my sponsor this week which sponsor number #3 is also transgender, and had a rough week, went shopping earlyer in the week, went to kroger last night on west gray I often get lost in the mega river oaks kroger.

Have to take my truck into the shop, might go camping down by bay (galviston over christmass, birng a notebook, inverter, data card and wrtie some poetry in touch with nature down by sea-side or christal beach.

Going to the lamba christamss diner, called a few folks today, rested and cooked dinner. Fixed the neighbours computter on service work, and did some homework and trying to get through drinking season. Picked up my 5 month chip sober today

Bloged wrote some code, and did reseach last night for a gig I have installing a POS sale, and restraunt ordering system for a non profit, also had a flashback to a wrong someone commited agaisnt me and some drinking memoeries.

I am greatful I am not a crackpot talking to potted plants and thshirt, and sober, have the tools, wisdom and am still rebuilding my life, and going into zen enlightment and a new and improved me lee the next geeneration and new year is very near.

12/13/07

Days like today, I just want to take a gun to my head and kill myself. No pun intended. But I'm tired of being disrespected being kind, and trying to ask others to respect me. I want to go camping and crawl into a hole and die. Get into the end, and just be with my beloved mother.

I am tried of the pain, and want to die in the ice and rain, I want to continue to be kind, only to have others stab me in the back. I am tried so fucking tied. And I shall die soon. The truth is I want the pain, gone I am tried of being disrespected.

I am tried of the pain, a 4^th step is being worked, but I cry and slash and bitch and whine only to be ignored and people disrespect me and don't understand. I am going to self-term ante or go into insanity soon, I want better and a sponsor that is worth something and the pain to end.

Little things, kill. Its the little things that matter why the fuck don't people listen. I am grateful and tired of the insanity but am grateful I got to bond and fix someones computer and write code into the wee hours of the am and weekend. Blah. The bitch switch is rolling.

Everyday That I do not avenge those who abused me, stay sober, and stay alive and deal with the pain with writing, bogging and the bitterness and more commutation and work the steps and go to meetings. And do not walk around with a knife or handgun on my person is a good thing. That I do not become the judge, jury and hang-person. Going after those who abused me at work. And become a vigilante.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

12/12/07

Today I did the unthinkable, I sought prayer, faith and peace in my heart and being humble. I have found something I lost, and loved myself, others and being kind. And not bitter and selfish. I have myself sort of even though it was never lost, just lost in vokkia.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The reality of my life and path sets clear. I am going to become a recluse start over, leave mostly all. Things I have to be grateful for. I have made my choice, and path to enlightenment and zen. I know where I want to go in life.

I am tired of the lack of awareness, shame and guilt I feel for my actions and inactions I have only 28 days until the path of enlightenment is there, the way is close, the day is closer. I have a choice and path to make, I have the clarity to jump ship, and die for who I am or die trying.

Today and the month of December and January leaves the fact I am going to do all, and get out of my pity and depression. Last night at Hollywood I saw a guy talking to a plant on the patio, another talking to a t-shirt at the super center. I am afraid deathly afraid of becoming those folks. But I will if I remain here the fear, and path to enlightenment has spoken to me

I also ha Ive learned myself and what I need to do for me, my path and I must follow or die for who and what I am. Life doesn't mean much to some folks. I must leave here the pain of going back to myself.

I am in a southern style redneck type bar and patio establishment and hurt, hurt bad for who I am and who I have become I have a pain in my heart I often think of Killing victor, henry, Enrique, carl, john. I want to kill john between his eyes for verbally abusing me every day. Victor, enqueue, carl and henry abused me physically, emotionally and verbally. I want to leave, kill them or myself I do not want to leave or relive the pain that started in December of 2005, and in the end I though drinking and half ass doing things got hurt and disabled at work in September of 2006 I want to get revenger but have found forgiveness.

I saw much though booze, drinking, bar hoping and self-destructiveness actions. I am going to leave my family, possessions, truck and other things wondering. I must leave for enlightenment I am going off the grid and out of style.

I want to take care of those who wronged me in the wrong, way I forgive others, myself but cant let go of the pain, the reality is the lack of awareness for my cause, denial of honest help, and depression and hurting has led me to dieing and enlightenment and suffering termination of others, myself is not a option my first holiday out proud and hurting and sober since 2005 hurts bad.

I started drinking in Houston, quit drinking, discovered myself, whats wrong and got better and got worse here. My priority's in life are clear. I am afraid of life but do not fear death. Today I am going to seek help and enlightenment but in reality it may not come. I may leave start over and go away and off line the shadows a drifting spirit of life, enlightenment and help.

I have peace within myself today, gratitude toward not being as fucked up and bottomed out as I could be and be grateful to be inside, and have a place to sleep.

Monday, December 10, 2007

12/10/07

I WILL share something with my loyal blog readers today, grattiude. Imange my shoes for a momenet. Imnage that everything you lied to yourself, others and who you are. Is who others wanted you to be, iminage god or some higher power or godess or spirt of sorts, is sending me a message. Everything I thought I knew is crap.

Heres the deal, I had two signs of the old me, one even with a personal family and resenement, hostiality, overjudgemental, and sterotypes are my evil and fate. I have 3 signs today of that being broken, one with one person whom I admire sharing something, two with another person, threee in thrpety and four with my family and a coffee mug and truth and honesty which I will share more on four and hint to the others but repesct folks anonmity and honesty.

I shall share something ground breaking in the one of the three or four meeting I regularly attend at lamba center. Keep posted given its late, and HALT (hungry, angry, tired loney). I fixed my hair a bit nicer today. And took care of other affairs.

Shoot off a quick email and off to bed I go.

Someone and folks in my family I am hard on I am harsh and a mean, bitch to as other, past trangressions and resentments, get over it and move on and do what I must nothing drastic, but do what I need to do, life is good and I have a fuck of a lot to be greatful for and I am selfish to myself and others, I need more repsect. Blah for myself, others and the world about me and the path to enlightment

12/10/07

Talked to mealine today, had a productive day. I love myself and feel very good and confiantr about myself today. And dont want the action and adventure today. Have some tasks to finish later this week. And had success.

Im toughing it out, and accepting the concequences of my actions, the pain hurts, talked so someone else. The hollidays suck, went grocery shopping for a craveing this weekend. Ate a whole bag of the korger sour cream and onion potato chips, and green onion kroger brand dip than ran and a ¼ of diet coke that ran it off, to deak with the pain and watch my weight.

Also have a plan for later tonight for a applacation for doing some airline work, I miss traveling on the open road, with adventure and such. A short or regional haul thorugh semi-rual houston texas outside the gird lock might be fun or mildly amuseing

Went to the post office, some documents showed up others did not. My policy and documents also arrived. I know my website was used against me in a civil ligation and other matters as my blog. Blah.

I also grow tired of someone not getting the message of my bounderies and respecting me my needs, wants and desires one day at a time. Austin might be where I start over before doing my excursion to my birthplace of Oakland, CA and the Bay Area.

I miss my folks but Im not going home this season, is for pondering medation, fitness and thought and self-reflection and growth.

Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens Blog - WWW.LEEMCG.COM

Monday, December 31, 2007

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Friday, December 28, 2007

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

life in space city and the islands

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Monday, December 24, 2007

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Friday, December 21, 2007

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Monday, December 17, 2007

Sunday, December 16, 2007

news and views and myself

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Friday, December 14, 2007

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Monday, December 10, 2007

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