Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Life In San Francisco in the cold, wet and damp weather

I continue to grow as an individual, I slept well last night. I awoke about midnight, again at 2am, was awake and out of bed by 3am. I dreamed again of adventure and the open road. I called my friend from the Marina Dock Karen, and told her Im afraid, and unconnected.

I don’t like the way my life is now, and I’m doing something about it, I spoke to my father a week ago, and told him of my plans to hit the road, upon finishing my classes, paper work and getting my CDL Back.

I miss my father, I need to see him but doubt I will ever be a large part of my life, I’m hopeing to deploy OTR and maybe sometime around the holidays get some R&R In New Orleans, Houston, Dallas, or Austin if things go well.


Anyway, I’m here in Oakland writing this in one of my favorite coffee shops in Oakland The Rooz, on Piedmont aver, near Montclair north Oakland, close to piedmont (city of). I have a 10am electro appointment. I also have much to do in the next few weeks.


It’s cold, damp, wet and raining and does not help with me feeling sad, the weather is how I feel inside, anyway next week I have an appointment at Lyon Martin to get my health question are filled out to start get the ball on getting my Class A License back.


--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Monday, February 16, 2009

Monday, February 16, 2009

I slept, well last night, and continued to grow as an individual. I composed a letter more recently, and discovered something within my inner personal development and myself. I am working on my Grant Proposal for my commercial drivers license
I added code to my site, have to go to the shoe repair shop this week, have an electro appointment in Oakland Soon, and have to go to the Alameda County Clerk’s office to get my documents amended.

Added code to the site, I attended a 7am meeting at the San Francisco Alano Club, I did a few other chores laundry, did my back work out, had a woman who also was (TS) get into a potentially bad sutituion, I avoided using my skills of Krav Maga, and used my suburb conflict resolution, and customer service skills to avoid a cat fight it a women’s communal bath-house.


Not much I can achieve today due to being a federal holiday, just wait and attended my electro appointment tomorrow, and I have much to achieve this week.









Here is what I have so far (grant proposal):

Leigh McInnis Gaetjens
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
(415) 678-0859 – (713) 578-0016 – LEEMCG@LEEMCG.COM

Grant Proposal For Commercial Truck Driver

Sunday, February 15, 2009
Introduction

My Name Is Leigh McInnis Gaetjens, and I desire to become a Commercial Driver through the Department of Rehab Services to contribute as a productive tax-paying member of society.
The commercial Driving Field is in high demand, due to Driver Turnover, Un-qualified drivers, disqualified drivers, retiring drivers, growing global trade.

in imports, and exports and everything in modern society at one point is on the back of a truck due to being a essential part of the international trade, transportation and logistics, without Trucks and Truck Drivers everyone would be Un-employed and society as we understand it today would be Impossible.

School Suggestion
I have chosen and suggest the National Truck Driving School In Hayward, CA due to the following:
1.) It is approved by the Department of Rebhablation
2.) It is accessible via BART from San Francisco, and AC Transit.
3.) Has Smaller, Longer classes for students who have other commitments, which is my choice of program
Their contact info is:
4125 Breakwater Ave #A
Hayward, California 94545
http://www.truckdriving-schools.com/
USA
510-487-7425

The School as part-time student options (due to commitments and my life cirmstances) I would prefer to study a few days a week rather than the full week, classes they offer in the (4 week course)

I want to re-acquire my CDL are and what best qualifies me for this opportunity are:
1.) The Trucking industry is growing, and there are not enough qualified drivers
2.) I love driving, trucking, traveling and the lifestyle of adventure and roughing it
3.) Fitness, and adventure are part of my daily life
4.) I have Zero DUI(s) in my entire life, and NO Felonies
Licensing and Industry Background:
A Commercial Driver's License (CDL) is required in the United States to operate any type of vehicle with a gross weight of 26,001 lb (11,793 kg) or over including (but not limited to) tow trucks, tractor trailers and buses.
The Commercial Motor Vehicle Safety Act of 1986 was signed into law on October 27, 1986. The main purpose for the Act was to improve highway safety by making sure truck drivers and drivers of tractor trailers and buses have passed a written and driving test to become qualified to drive Commercial Motor Vehicles (CMVs), and to remove drivers that are unsafe and unqualified from the highways. The Act continued to give states the right to issue CDLs, but the national government established minimum requirements that must be met when issuing a CDL.
A Commercial Driver's License is required to operate a tractor-trailer.
The Act corrects the problems that existed before 1986 by making it illegal to hold more than one license and by requiring States to adopt testing and licensing standards for truck and bus drivers.
Industry Growth Projection(s) for Commercial Truck Drivers:
Overall job opportunities should be favorable for truck drivers, although opportunities may vary greatly in terms of earnings, weekly work hours, number of nights spent on the road, and quality of equipment. Competition is expected for jobs offering the highest earnings or most favorable work schedules. Average growth is expected.
Employment change. Overall employment of truck drivers and driver/sales workers is expected to increase by 8 percent over the 2006-16 decade, which is about as fast as the average for all occupations, due to growth in the economy and in the amount of freight carried by truck. Because it is such a large occupation, truck drivers will have a very large number of new jobs arise, over 258,000 over the 2006-16 period. Competing forms of freight transportation—rail, air, and ship transportation—require trucks to move the goods between ports, depots, airports, warehouses, retailers, and final consumers who are not connected to these other modes of transportation. Demand for long-distance drivers will remain strong because they can transport perishable and time-sensitive goods more effectively than alternate modes of transportation.
Job prospects.Job opportunities should be favorable for truck drivers. In addition to growth in demand for truck drivers, numerous job openings will occur as experienced drivers leave this large occupation to transfer to other fields of work, retire, or leave the labor force for other reasons. Jobs vary greatly in terms of earnings, weekly work hours, the number of nights spent on the road, and quality of equipment. There may be competition for the jobs with the highest earnings and most favorable work schedules. There will be more competition for jobs with local carriers than for those with long-distance carriers because of the more desirable working conditions of local carriers.
Job opportunities may vary from year to year since the output of the economy dictates the amount of freight to be moved. Companies tend to hire more drivers when the economy is strong and their services are in high demand. When the economy slows, employers hire fewer drivers or may lay off some drivers. Independent owner-operators are particularly vulnerable to slowdowns. Industries least likely to be affected by economic fluctuation, such as grocery stores, tend to be the most stable employers of truck drivers and driver/sales workers.

Training, Other Qualifications, and Advancement
A commercial driver’s license (CDL) is required to drive large trucks and a regular driver’s license is required to drive all other trucks. Training for the CDL is offered by many private and public vocational-technical schools. Many jobs driving smaller trucks require only brief on-the-job training.
Education and training. Taking driver-training courses is a good way to prepare for truck driving jobs and to obtain a commercial drivers license (CDL). High school courses in driver training and automotive mechanics also may be helpful. Many private and public vocational-technical schools offer tractor-trailer driver training programs. Students learn to maneuver large vehicles on crowded streets and in highway traffic. They also learn to inspect trucks and freight for compliance with regulations. Some States require prospective drivers to complete a training course in basic truck driving before getting their CDL.
Completion of a program does not guarantee a job. Some programs provide only a limited amount of actual driving experience. People interested in attending a driving school should check with local trucking companies to make sure the school’s training is acceptable. The Professional Truck Driver Institute (PTDI), a nonprofit organization established by the trucking industry, manufacturers, and others, certifies driver-training courses at truck driver training schools that meet industry standards and Federal Highway Administration guidelines for training tractor-trailer drivers.
Training given to new drivers by employers is usually informal and may consist of only a few hours of instruction from an experienced driver, sometimes on the new employee’s own time. New drivers may also ride with and observe experienced drivers before getting their own assignments. Drivers receive additional training to drive special types of trucks or handle hazardous materials. Some companies give 1 to 2 days of classroom instruction covering general duties, the operation and loading of a truck, company policies, and the preparation of delivery forms and company records. Driver/sales workers also receive training on the various types of products their company carries so that they can effectively answer questions about the products and more easily market them to their customers.
New drivers sometimes start on panel trucks or other small straight trucks. As they gain experience and show competent driving skills, new drivers may advance to larger, heavier trucks and finally to tractor-trailers.
Licensure.
State and Federal regulations govern the qualifications and standards for truck drivers. All drivers must comply with Federal regulations and any State regulations that are in excess of those Federal requirements. Truck drivers must have a driver’s license issued by the State in which they live, and most employers require a clean driving record. Drivers of trucks designed to carry 26,000 pounds or more—including most tractor-trailers, as well as bigger straight trucks—must obtain a commercial driver’s license. All truck drivers who operate trucks transporting hazardous materials must obtain a CDL, regardless of truck size. In order to receive the hazardous materials endorsement, a driver must be fingerprinted and submit to a criminal background check by the Transportation Security Administration. In many States, a regular driver’s license is sufficient for driving light trucks and vans.
To qualify for a CDL, an applicant must have a clean driving record, pass a written test on rules and regulations, and demonstrate that they can operate a commercial truck safely. A national database permanently records all driving violations committed by those with a CDL. A State will check these records and deny a CDL to those who already have a license suspended or revoked in another State. Licensed drivers must accompany trainees until they get their own CDL. A person may not hold more than one license at a time and must surrender any other licenses when a CDL is issued. Information on how to apply for a CDL may be obtained from State motor vehicle administrations.
Many States allow those who are as young as 18 years old to drive trucks within their borders. To drive a commercial vehicle between States one must be at least 21 years of age, according to the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Regulations published by the U.S. Department of Transportation (U. S. DOT). Regulations also require drivers to pass a physical examination once every 2 years. Physical qualifications include good hearing, at least 20/40 vision with glasses or corrective lenses, and a 70-degree field of vision in each eye. Drivers may not be colorblind. Drivers must also be able to hear a forced whisper in one ear at not less than 5 feet, with a hearing aid if needed. Drivers must have normal use of arms and legs and normal blood pressure. People with epilepsy or diabetes controlled by insulin are not permitted to be interstate truck drivers.
Federal regulations also require employers to test their drivers for alcohol and drug use as a condition of employment and require periodic random tests of the drivers while they are on duty. Drivers may not use any controlled substances, unless prescribed by a licensed physician. A driver must not have been convicted of a felony involving the use of a motor vehicle or a crime involving drugs, driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol, refusing to submit to an alcohol test required by a State or its implied consent laws or regulations, leaving the scene of a crime, or causing a fatality through negligent operation of a motor vehicle. All drivers must be able to read and speak English well enough to read road signs, prepare reports, and communicate with law enforcement officers and the public.
Other qualifications.
Many trucking companies have higher standards than those described here. Many firms require that drivers be at least 22 years old, be able to lift heavy objects, and have driven trucks for 3 to 5 years. Many prefer to hire high school graduates and require annual physical examinations. Companies have an economic incentive to hire less risky drivers, as good drivers use less fuel and cost less to insure.
Drivers must get along well with people because they often deal directly with customers. Employers seek driver/sales workers who speak well and have self-confidence, initiative, tact, and a neat appearance. Employers also look for responsible, self-motivated individuals who are able to work well with little supervision.
Advancement.

Although most new truck drivers are assigned to regular driving jobs immediately, some start as extra drivers—substituting for regular drivers who are ill or on vacation. Extra drivers receive a regular assignment when an opening occurs.
Truck drivers can advance to driving runs that provide higher earnings, preferred schedules, or better working conditions. Local truck drivers may advance to driving heavy or specialized trucks or transfer to long-distance truck driving. Working for companies that also employ long-distance drivers is the best way to advance to these positions. Few truck drivers become dispatchers or managers.
Many long-distance truck drivers purchase trucks and go into business for themselves. Although some of these owner-operators are successful, others fail to cover expenses and go out of business. Owner-operators should have good business sense as well as truck driving experience. Courses in accounting, business, and business mathematics are helpful. Knowledge of truck mechanics can enable owner-operators to perform their own routine maintenance and minor repairs.



Employment
Truck drivers and driver/sales workers held about 3.4 million jobs in 2006. Of these workers, 445,000 were driver/sales workers and 2.9 million were truck drivers. Most truck drivers find employment in large metropolitan areas or along major interstate roadways where trucking, retail, and wholesale companies tend to have their distribution outlets. Some drivers work in rural areas, providing specialized services such as delivering newspapers to customers.
The truck transportation industry employed 26 percent of all truck drivers and driver/sales workers in the United States. Another 25 percent worked for companies engaged in wholesale or retail trade. The remaining truck drivers and driver/sales workers were distributed across many industries, including construction and manufacturing.
Around 9 percent of all truck drivers and driver/sales workers were self-employed. Of these, a significant number were owner-operators who either served a variety of businesses independently or leased their services and trucks to a trucking company.

The Process to Obtain A California CDL



The Various License Classes and Endorsements as Regulated by FMCR, DOT, and DMV:
Class definitions
Since April 1, 1992, when this Act became law, all drivers have been required to have a CDL in order to drive a Commercial Motor Vehicle. The Federal Highway Administration (FHWA) has developed testing standards for licensing drivers. States are able to issue CDLs only after a written and driving test have been given by the State or approved testing facility. A driver will need a CDL if the vehicle meets one of the following definitions of a CMV:
• Class A - Any combination of vehicles with a GVWR of 26,001 or more pounds (11,793 kg) provided the GVWR of the vehicle(s) being towed is in excess of 10,000 pounds (4536 kg).
• Class B - Any single vehicle with a GVWR of 26,001 or more pounds (11,793 kg), or any such vehicle towing a vehicle not in excess of 10,000 pounds (4536 kg) GVWR.
• Class C - Any single vehicle, or combination of vehicles, that does not meet the definition of Class A or Class B, but is either designed to transport 16 or more passengers, including the driver, or is placarded for hazardous materials.
Please Note: States may require drivers of additional vehicles to have CDLs or have more strict regulations than by the Federal regulations, do allow states to have variance with Motor Carrier Laws
License Endorsements
Additional tests to obtain any of the following endorsements on their CDL have to be passed as well. These are only obtained after a CDL has been issued to the driver.
• T Semi trailer Double or Triple (Written Test)
o (Certain states prohibit triple trailers statewide, such as California, Florida, and New York.)
o A Class A license is required to obtain the T endorsement
• P Passenger Vehicle (Written and Driving Tests)
• S School Bus (Written and Driving Test, Background Check, Sex Offender Registry Check and P endorsement)
• N Tank Truck (Written Test)
• H Hazardous materials (Written Test and Background Check through the Transportation Security Administration)
• X Combination of Tank Vehicle and Hazardous Materials (Written Test)
Process of obtaining a CDL In California, and The Bay Area:
The Closest CDL License Office to San Francisco is Located at:
501 85th Avenue
Oakland, 94621
(800)777-0133

How to apply for a commercial driver license (CDL)
A commercial driver license is a license issued in accordance with Federal Regulations that allows an individual to operate a commercial vehicle.
You must be at least 21 years old to drive a commercial vehicle across state lines (interstate commerce) or to transport passengers or hazardous materials or wastes (intrastate or interstate commerce). You may drive for hire within California if you are 18 years of age or older and do not engage in interstate commerce activities. If you are 16 years of age but less than 18 years of age, you may not drive for hire and you may not drive outside of California. (VC §12515) (VC §12516)
10 Year History Record Check
The Motor Carrier Safety Improvement Act of 1999, and applicable Federal Regulations requires all commercial driver license applicants including renewal applications to disclose whether he or she has been issued a driver license in the same or different name to operate any type of motor vehicle in another state or other jurisdiction within the previous ten years. If the answer is “Yes” to the ten year history record question, a 10 Year History Record Check form (DL 939) complete and submitted with the Commercial Driver License Application (DL 44C).
Starting May 31, 2005, new federal regulations require a person who is applying for a California commercial driver license with an original or renewal Hazardous Materials (HazMat) endorsement to undergo a security threat assessment. The USA Patriot Act requires the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) to complete a security threat assessment (background records check) before the Department of Motor Vehicles issues a HazMat endorsement.
TSA’s Process
You start the TSA background records check after you apply for your CDL at DMV, successfully complete all appropriate law tests, and submit a valid Medical Examination Report form (DL 51).
To apply for a commercial permit, you will need to:
• Visit a DMV office (make an Appointment(s) for faster service)
• Complete a California Driver License Driver License Application form (DL 44 or DL 44C). (An original DL 44C form must be submitted. Copies will not be accepted.)
• Complete a 10 Year History Record Check form (DL 939) if you have been issued a driver license in the same or different name to operate any type of motor vehicle in another state or other jurisdiction within the previous ten years
• Give a thumb print
• Have your picture taken
• Provide verification of your social security number. It will be verified with the Social Security Administration while you are in the office.
• Verify your birth date and legal presence (you may use your California driver license) If your current name no longer matches the name on your birth date/legal presence document, see "True Full Name" and "How to Change Your Name" for more information.
• Pay the application fee for a 5-year license
• Pass a vision exam
• Submit a completed Medical Examination Report form DL 51.
Effective October 1, 2004, DMV will accept only a Medical Examination Report (DL 51) with a revision date of 2/2004 or later, or a current medical form (containing the new blood pressure guidelines) approved by the Federal Highway Administration or the Federal Aviation Administration.
• Pass the traffic laws and sign tests for the class of vehicle you will drive. You have three chances to pass the test.

• Once you have passed your tests, you will be issued a permit. You can only drive with a person who has a valid California driver license in the class of license that your permit is for and is the specific age required for that class of license.
To apply for your commercial driver license you will need to:
• Call a DMV CDL office and make an appointment for a driving test. (Commercial driving test appointments cannot be made online)
• Bring the type of vehicle for the class you want to drive
• Pass a pre-trip inspection (You have three chances to pass the pre-trip)
• Pass a skills and driving test (You have three chances to pass the skills and driving test)
OR
• Submit to DMV a Certificate of Driving Skill (DL 170) if your employer is authorized by DMV to issue such certificates. Both you and your employer sign this form.
________________________________________
Medical report for commercial driver license (CDL)
A medical form completed by a U. S. licensed doctor of medicine (M.D.), osteopathy (D.O.), licensed physician assistant (P.A.), a nurse practitioner (N.P.), advance practice nurse, or chiropractor who is clinically competent to perform the medical examination, must be given to the DMV with your original application for a driver license or instruction permit. The medical form must be dated within the last 2 years and on a form approved by the Federal Highway Administration, the Federal Aviation Administration, DMV, or on the DMV Report of Medical Examination Report form Medical Examination Report (DL 51).


Conclusion:

--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Called home to Lambda Center, Spoke to Sonny, Called to my Diesel Dyke Friend Brandi, and left a message to call me about a few CDL Questions.

I am very excited as of late for this opportunity, I have to compose a Grant proposal and information about the Commercial Truck Driving Industry to get my grants approved, and also take an apptuide test as well.

I spoke to my father briefly this week, and Mike at the San Francisco Alano club, and plan to rent out a room for my 2 year soberity birthday on 7-13-2007. I also my father and I might actually both attend.

This morning, I awoke at 2am, was out of bed around 3 am, showered about 3:45-4L25 this morning, after doing my meditation and stretching workout routine, Got rained on the way to the Cal Train Depot.

The wind, and rain about 5am this morning was bad along south beach, while riding the N Judia :Owl MUNI Bus, to church street where I studied and did grant proposals at sparkys (having coffee) which we had some major amusement around 5:45 am.

A guy came in and attempted to “borrow” with out permission a Halloween mummy still up, while a off duty police officer was there, and was stupid. And gave it back after attempting to flee in a Taxi.


Uploaded files to my web server, and did a dvd-rw backup. Added code, did e-mail, and synced my AT&T Tilt and downloaded and backed up data. Missed Becca’s call, and have not spoken to Manual recently.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Saturday, February 14, 2009

I find myself connected in an awaking within myself, for example perhaps the primary purpose, of choices, hardships I made was to do for myself for to better myself, and my country and contribute something to society.

For example, I have come to understand this opportunity, research and essay, I am composing to get this grant for my Commercial Drivers License re-instatement. Is worthwhile. Moreover, due to cirmstances, I must ignore things, and look the other way under much duress with my life.

The further reality of putting up and dealing with suituions I can’t stand, or dislike are much necessary. I also have been as of late working on my mediation, and learning to zip my lip, and become more self-aware within.

In two weeks, I have an appointment at Lyon Martin, for MY CDL Health questionnaire, and I will get the ball rolling on this, I also will start doing some of the written tests, to prepare for my CDL.

Also, I will eventfully have to undergo Federal Fingerprinting by TSA, and DHS. But I know its what I want in my heart.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday, February 13, 2009

Slept ok, awoke about 3am, out of bed by 4am, and took care of business this morning, and other affairs. Have an electro apt next Tuesday. I also have to do some shipping and receiving today.

I added more extensions to the file server; I spoke to a few individuals. Did a few other tasks. Going to a meeting this morning as well that most defeneallity on is my addenda.


I Spoke to Martile today and I went to the San Francisco Human Rights Commission, and am attempting to put closure with the Fare Inspectors for MUNI beef from last year, which continues to over blow, it started with one inspector who is no longer around was drunk on duty and picked a fight with me and punched me out of Trans-Phobia, yes it does exist in San Francisco.



I wrote a few lines of code for my server offline, and took care of other things. Caio
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Tuesday, February 10, 2009
THE Person who mayade the nasty comments and we had our “beef” yesterday long ago, when he abused his H&I commitment, he ruined our friendship. I don’t know how to figure it out, but I sort oof relate. I tried to hard to see the good in him even if he is sorry.

I am a bit closer to obtaining my commercial drivers license (again) and closer towards obtaining goals to better me as an individual. I slept ok, and wrote code for various things, which I needed to, achieved. I showered this morning, the remodeling has made drastic progress, I also am guilty of telling other folks off , I used to like perhaps, in my “mean bitchness” I have refined my “selfish self” and am much more careful how, when, where I bend, break, or take action on those who need action or I want to take action against for various reasons.


I’m just really sad, my electro girl was sick, went to piedmont to no avail, than to therpey, than to otherchores and to have lunch with my sponsor. Anyway Im very tired, and sore and want to rest tonight, im skipping dinner, and off straight to bed.


Caio.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Slept ok, last night. Had an interesting experancee this morning. Had coffee this morning, takeing it a bit easy today, have a busy week this week and onward later in to the week. Have much more to do later this morning as well. I wrote code, also.

Someone is hitting me as of late and pushing me down stairs, and verbally threating me. I can’t prove it, and doubt if Law Enfrocement would be of much help or if I would trust the police.

I’m a lot closer to finishing and getting into truck driving school, and getting goals I need achived and finishing tasks which I must commit to finishing. I have grants, and loans and financeing I’m working on, and other things.


Regardle
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Slept ok, recently. Have things to do today, have to echange a beauty product for another, that I bought the wrong one. Have to do shit today, and send documents off, headed to the ale media county courthouse tomorrow to handle some affairs (name change) and as I plan to apply for a new passport.

I also need to take care of other things, went to this wicked cheap ghetto ass diner, that the food was surprisingly good for being in the tenderloin, see my review on yelp.



Some finance things did not work out, my garnishments should be finished by July, and I make father amends to one of my creditors. I might go to the park or library today, after I finish taking care of some banking, and a few other issues.

I did some posting on forums, e-mail, and web administration today, I sent off a few resumes, and made some employment goals and commitments this week. I also have been working on other issues.


Have to run errands today as well, and meet with folks about issues.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Friday, February 6, 2009

Friday, February 06, 2009
02/05/09
I have become more and even more disconnected from modern society. One of the things that drive me in force is repression, remembrance and the goal of revolution.
Having spent time in rural rough rugged Texas, the boondocks Cajun Louisiana, and the disgusting ultra labial city of San Francisco. Major big city Houston, big party new Orleans, and beyond Mormonism.
The conclusion I have discovered is the only answer to ending our struggles as transsexual women is launching an biblical attack of un-presented proportions
An attack on in structure, cyberspace, or using force of firearms, chemicals or explosive means seems proportionate. However, I am not a killer or aspiring terrorist I’m just a messenger of free speech.
Something such as free speech, the right to bear arms, protect yourself, and not be discrimination against is dwindling
I think Obama will make a great president and at this point am indifferent toward him. His actions on the war on terrorism are laughable but he will be a civil rights icon.
However, I feel he may become murdered in office due to persecution and hate which I also face. I do not advocate or support this, but I also am a realistic.
Groups such as neo Nazi fascism, anti GLBt, and KKK have thrived in the recession and under the bush administration
I become more and more discontent daily. I want my suffering and repression to end.
I sacrificed many parts of my former life in Houston. I walked away from many things in Louisiana also.
I feel the only answer to inner peace and happiness is to become more at peace and to end my suffering and bring justice to all individuals we are at war for our rights and those who deprive us.
When at war sometimes the good suffer in fear, TERROR AND SOME MUST DIE.


Furthermore, I concede the cesspool and disgusting things I have witnessed on the left coast, make me more and more angry and prone, to commit treason. I used to love my country and now I hate it more and more, I’m greatful to be here, but we need change, and we need a revolution.

Obama’s forge policy is laughable, and I think the risk of another terrorist attack equal to 9-11 or more will increase, sadly I voted for him, for obvious civil rights issues. But so far closing Guantanamo, and bringing terrorists to the us, is a very bad idea.
Moreover, I feel some of my associations in Texas, Louisiana, and California are more libieltys, and not helpful. I have prayed and know what I must do. I only wish I could share it with the world. But one day My name will be a household name, sealed in American history, and perhaps I will not be reflected upon rightly, but I will prove a point, that all LGBT and Very much s TS people need rights and protections, and I will carry this message across using any means necessary, and do whatever it takes to show America and the rest of the world that gender variant people are tired of repression.

Will history put me along the Lines of Bin Lydian, Gandhi, John Hinckley, McVeigh, The Unibomber, Hitller, or individuals who went through repression and were tired off it will be for the historians. However, right now I have things to achieve, and much planning and meditation for upcoming affairs.

Something crossed over in me, sometime in the era between 2005-2006, and there is no going back. The only answer is now or not, I know I cannot confirm or deny various radical individuals, I am known to associate with or what I plan to do. Nevertheless, I must make a very big political statement, it is likely I will be successful or fail in my end ours, and will be likely Jailed, and persecuted as many gays, lesbians, bisexual, transgender, and other individuals have been persecuted, jailed for centuries.

Murder, Laws and other things are mint to be broken, when political viewpoints take priority, I won’t confirm, my ties, and am much smarter than to store documents on my server, computer or PDA, where they could be searched our to use e-mail as it is a very insecure matter of correspondence.


It is likely I will not be around past my early 30s, or make it to my 30s. I am tired of suffering, and while I hold out hope for Obama, it would be too little, too late. I must remain careful whom I associate with and cut more ties. And also be careful whom I reveal my plans for vengeance, and revenge toward individuals, people, places, groups, employers and companies that persecute GLBT individuals must pay dearly.

For example, The growth and spiritual awakening, and my sobriety only makes me more determined, when I spent my time in the Harris County Jail, all I could think about is vengeance, even though I had a series of spiritual experiences there.

Which is sad, some people I lookup to are law enforcement officers them selves, are Transsexual but, My mission, and everyone is a potential adversary, much as GLBT and sex is when I was a Latter Day Saint. After all I am a convicted terrorist, why not up the antie.
Regardless, I have much to do today, and things to work on to better myself as an individual, and to work on projects I have running in the background.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Friday, February 06, 2009
02/05/09
I have become more and even more disconnected from modern society. One of the things that drive me in force is repression, remembrance and the goal of revolution.
Having spent time in rural rough rugged Texas, the boondocks Cajun Louisiana, and the disgusting ultra labial city of San Francisco. Major big city Houston, big party new Orleans, and beyond Mormonism.
The conclusion I have discovered is the only answer to ending our struggles as transsexual women is launching an biblical attack of un-presented proportions
An attack on in structure, cyberspace, or using force of firearms, chemicals or explosive means seems proportionate. However, I am not a killer or aspiring terrorist I’m just a messenger of free speech.
Something such as free speech, the right to bear arms, protect yourself, and not be discrimination against is dwindling
I think Obama will make a great president and at this point am indifferent toward him. His actions on the war on terrorism are laughable but he will be a civil rights icon.
However, I feel he may become murdered in office due to persecution and hate which I also face. I do not advocate or support this, but I also am a realistic.
Groups such as neo Nazi fascism, anti GLBt, and KKK have thrived in the recession and under the bush administration
I become more and more discontent daily. I want my suffering and repression to end.
I sacrificed many parts of my former life in Houston. I walked away from many things in Louisiana also.
I feel the only answer to inner peace and happiness is to become more at peace and to end my suffering and bring justice to all individuals we are at war for our rights and those who deprive us.
When at war sometimes the good suffer in fear, TERROR AND SOME MUST DIE.


Furthermore, I concede the cesspool and disgusting things I have witnessed on the left coast, make me more and more angry and prone, to commit treason. I used to love my country and now I hate it more and more, I’m greatful to be here, but we need change, and we need a revolution.

Obama’s forge policy is laughable, and I think the risk of another terrorist attack equal to 9-11 or more will increase, sadly I voted for him, for obvious civil rights issues. But so far closing Guantanamo, and bringing terrorists to the us, is a very bad idea.

Moreover, I feel some of my associations in Texas, Louisiana, and California are more libieltys, and not helpful. I have prayed and know what I must do. I only wish I could share it with the world. But one day My name will be a household name, sealed in American history, and perhaps I will not be reflected upon rightly, but I will prove a point, that all LGBT and Very much s TS people need rights and protections, and I will carry this message across using any means necessary, and do whatever it takes to show America and the rest of the world that gender variant people are tired of repression.

Will history put me along the Lines of Bin Lydian, Gandhi, John Hinckley, McVeigh, The Unibomber, Hitller, or individuals who went through repression and were tired off it will be for the historians. But right now I have things to achive, and much planning and meditation for upcoming affairs.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Thursday, February 05, 2009
Slept well, last night, did not finish the laundry will do that Friday, I mangled to order my replacement for my defective tat tilt Smartphone, I also got my replacement razr. I had a employment lead yesterday, have one today, and therapy this morning.

I also need to go to Walgreens to get my scripts filled down on Castro ST. I wrote code, for my site. I am planning in 2010 to move down to daily city, and do the communtirer thing, or maybe move further north to Vallejo, or amniotic.
I added some stuff to my site, my bones, back, neck and hand have been hurting due to the very damp weather as of late. I went to a 7am meeting at the Alano club. I also have been looking forward to my trip back south.


I spoke to DLG a bit today, I also should be finished with some of my affairs soon. I wrote code a bit yesterday, but lately ive been a bit uninspired to write much, I’ve been keeping myself very busy as of late with work, projects and keeping myself out the devil’s playground with idleness.

Moreover, Ive been a bit quiet, lately because, Im scared, curious and confused and still figuring things and myself and where I want to go today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year and beyond 2010.




I more recently took care of a few things, and did a few other things.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

I have a very busy day today, called and finally processed my insurance replacement, my back is feeling better, but still stiff do to the remodeling back at the ranch. I took care of my old POS cell phone busted in the attack back in decemeber.

I also have two job leads this week, a job fair to attend possibly and to file some paperwork for my name change, I have so much in my past to clear up.

Had a disagreement with MLS, though not bad, I have been a bit bitchy lately due to not getting to enough meetings, I might go to one next week at the Berkeley Fellowship. I also have to do a few other things as well.

Spoke to Brandi a bit, and a few friends from the east bay, I have a trip to Louisiana and Texas next year, I might be moving for a while down to daily city, south san Francisco or burgher north to Pittsburg, Bay Point, or anatomic, or Richmond for a while.



I spoke to DLG, and sent letters out and met with my friend Tammy at the Alano club this morning, I got hit on by two guys and a girl this morning on MUNI Metro, BART and the F Line.


Not much to say but busy as a bee, Face book enabled my account after suspending it.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Monday, February 2, 2009

Monday, February 02, 2009
Some dickhead, was hitting on me yesterday at the club, someone else pissed me off, Ill talk to my friend tammy about it. I also awoke early this morning, and have to turn in early to get up very early tomorrow.

I have much to achive today, as well as tomorrow. I added code on my site, I have a very busy and eventful week this week.

I have two employment realted things, Im working on. I also have a few other things to achive. I have a few other issues, I am working on as well. I have of late also have laundry to do this week, amongst other chores, I have much going on.


I also have therpey this week amongst other issues.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Sunday, February 01, 2009

I slept good last night, awoke at 2am pacific time, was out of bed by 4am, Had a naughty dream last night ironically, Saw the really stone butch lesbian, again. I also yesterday saw that FtM which I believe is wrong.


I vented some of my anger, and have some very positive things happening this year with my finicalness, my going back to work, and other issues, as well as big plans for 2010, I went to one of my favorite meetings at the San Francisco Alano Club as Bill CC’s motorcycle AA meeting.

In 2010 I plan to revisit New Orleans, Houston and ideally drive back to California, In my big butch truck. I also plan to meet with friends, foes and also some aquainces with in Texas. In addition, might move further to northern California, to Humboldt county, perhaps. Or near anionic, until I’m able to afford the popup rv I’ve always wanted and live at a rv resort full time down in Pacifica, and community via my truck, the cal train, and Bart to the city.

Even if at some point I move out of state, I will keep ties with California, for the moment, or the immediate future. The reality is I plan to relate, more to individuals, and I love my family and friends, and foes.

I have found some forgivenss in myself, as of late and my anger and resenements. I have a lot to get done today when things open and much to achive
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Sunday, February 01, 2009

I slept good last night, awoke at 2am pacific time, was out of bed by 4am, Had a naughty dream last night ironically, Saw the really stone butch lesbian, again. I also yesterday saw that FtM which I believe is wrong.


I vented some of my anger, and have some very positive things happening this year with my finicalness, my going back to work, and other issues, as well as big plans for 2010, I went to one of my favorite meetings at the San Francisco Alano Club as Bill CC’s motorcycle AA meeting.

In 2010 I plan to revisit New Orleans, Houston and ideally drive back to California, In my big butch truck. I also plan to meet with friends, foes and also some aquainces with in Texas. In addition, might move further to northern California, to Humboldt county, perhaps. Or near anionic, until I’m able to afford the popup rv I’ve always wanted and live at a rv resort full time down in Pacifica, and community via my truck, the cal train, and Bart to the city.

Even if at some point I move out of state, I will keep ties with California, for the moment, or the immediate future. The reality is I plan to relate, more to individuals, and I love my family and friends, and foes.

I have found some forgivenss in myself, as of late and my anger and resenements. I have a lot to get done today when things open and much to achive
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Saturday, January 31, 2009
I saw an individual today whom is a Female to Male Transsexual whom I have much distaste for, This individual is very much masculine, with extremely large amounts of body hair and much bigger than I. This individual identifies as a gay man, who likes other men, yet persists in using women’s spaces and women’s places of refuge.

This Individual also has had his ass kicked by gay bear mean when they found out he was atomically female, this individual also has made me personally uncomfortable when I was in a state of undress, and came very close to getting his as kicked by me.

I have also made it clear to him, that If he ever was in a state of undress with me, again. He will get his as kicked, some could call me a hypocrite, given my gender identity, sexual orientation and other issues with “plumbing”

But There comes a point in every gender varrient indivdiaul weither male to female or female to male, where you have to learn to respect others, given some people even myself are not as open minded. Keeping in mind, I have been detained and arrested for using bathrooms and other issues at various points.


I’m not saying Trans-Phobia is right, I perhaps feel less threatened by him, but have made it clear if he Violates my space, I will protect myself with physical force, or pepper spray if necessary. Moreover, he needs to respect my space.

I’ve even heard he has been arrested and warned by SFPD and other agencies of the danger of what he is doing and how dangerous it is, to use women’s areas.

Low and behold the shit face, came in while I was having coffee this morning, doing homework for my sponsor.


In other news, I’ve made some commitments, to get some things finished and make some finical commitments. I have plans to achieve some goals before my Ten Year High School reunion, where I trip to New Orleans, or Houston and an Amtrak ride possibly and a drive back to San Francisco in my pick em up truck in 2010.

I have zero plans to remain in San Francisco before age 35 or at the latest is 40 I shall return to my Texas roots, But I’m only twenty eight now, I might even return to Dallas or Austin. Or maybe to Portland, or Seattle, or The Tri State area of New York City.


I dislike the bullshit of ultra far liberal san Francisco, I don’t like being crowed, the rural Montana, and Wyoming landscape appeals to me greatly, the cold, snow, and winter I loathe as equally happy in the Hot smoggy Houston summer.


Perhaps I am just rambling, but I like small towns, and want some degree of stealth, and anonymity the one thing I fucking hate about San Francisco is too many fucking trans-people, I fucking hate seeing pot, which has abslloutely no medical use what so ever, the crack heads in the tenderloin, the gangs, and the liberal sprit of anything goes.

I like the mountains because its much more open carry firearm laws, however things are changing. I like being rugged, and I’ve been told they have a small but open accepting lesbians move up to the mountains, I dream one day of going up north and being with rugged old timer lesbians.

I’ve learned to respect bio women’s, space, when I cross the line, and superb conflict resolution skills.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Friday, January 30, 2009

Friday, January 30, 2009

I Shared with my therapist yesterday and someone I looked up to when I was in my anger that lives in Houston. I lately find myself faceted with 1980s cyberpunk Post Nuclear Terrorism culture. I feel I am distained for something big, and even revolutionary.

Prehaps, My most disturbing feelings, are the feelings of not connecting with anyone, or anywhere, or not being understood.. I don’t feel as if I belong to anyone, or any place. A place of darkness, and pure hell.


But I have recovery, happiness, and some joy on brief occasion, and goals I am working toward very hard.


I don’t have much to compose as of late.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Lately fate has opend doors for me with an individual, when I had no role models, just pain, suffering and repression in my life and pure agony and hell. I have been corsponding with this individual to ease my suffering, and bring joy when there was none.

It feels good to vent, even alas if someone whom was aware of your misdeads, and even if they do work in a carrier field, you have a bit or pride, and predjucie toward.

I lately have been working on some carrier oriented goals. I suppose. I am trying to find myself.

I don’t have much to compose in this entry today, except that I am scared about something that has the potential to go wrong with my life. I also have a few appointments as well today and a lunch date, ive been reading my big book.


I have much to do today and very little time, and behind schedule so I will be brief.


--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Sunday, January 25, 2009
I corsponded with an Indivisual whom works in Law Enforcement which I linked up by chance via facebook. I also have a few tasks to perform, I have a few work related tasks to perform this week my electro appointment in the East Bay.

I added and did a few other things, and posted in some forums, I have items I need to pick up at the drug store as well today, and to finish reading a few chapters for homework in the 12x12 for my sponsor, imp half way through and will be finished this week.

I renewed some arrangements my tat tilt phone quit working on the ear peace, as well as the speak phone, I preformed a full reset to no avail and it also has syncing issues with my computer though I can syndic via Bluetooth, wireless lan and the internet, text, and I can call out and received calls but can’t hear them. I have to go to the at&t store and do a replacement lucky for me, it might be covered by warranty and as well as the insurance, it appears to be some sort of manufacturing defect or a lemon model.

I like being able to call via Skype, with it, and being able to edit word documents on BART and MUNI as well as AC Transit. I also can post to my blog and do other nifty things on the go. And the digital cam rocks.


I talked to a few individuals about things, and have to pickup crap at the drug store and run to PS this week and go to therpey as well, too much shit to do, to little time.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Saturday, January 24, 2009


I feel even more unhappy, dreary, dark and depressed in the rainy, foggy wet January in San Francisco. I feel lost, adrift and lost at sea. The interpersonal relatshionsips I developed are useless, I can’t let anyone know how just sick and tired I am.

I miss my grandmother very much, as well as my mother, the rejection of my father who in reality with his actions is nothing more than a sperm donor for my mother, Dan Filled that role, and even if he is a right wing nut job, He was a man and was there for me, and a much better person than my father was.

Day to day I dream of death and look forward toward my-self termination of my mind, body, and soul, perhaps I won’t make it into 2010 and twenty eight, I might not even make it to two years sober before my death or I might kill myself shortly thereafter.

In a way a act of suicide to myself would be an informed choice, and right choice, a way to move on from this life to end my suffering. I urn for Houston, I don’t like things I have seen in the bay area. I miss Texas very much so.

I miss southeast Louisiana, but I can’t show it and I have nothing to return to. I feel much as Dan white did when He killed himself in the garage in the shame and unhappiness when he finished his parole from the city of angels.

I only want my suffering to end, perhaps soon it will. I feel people look at my different for I was accused of doing something I did not do.


IN other news, I slept well last night, ate very well this morning read part of my 12x12 for my sponsor. I also did some banking, dropped off and pickup up inscriptions and called a few friends in the program.

Anyway I have a few errands to run this week and later this week. I found some items I thought I had lost but they were recovered much to my excitement, and joy.

I have shit to do later gators.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Thursday, January 22, 2009

1/21/09 various individuals whom I attended high school with I have more recently contacted have been supportive so far of my endvours and some also have called me brave and courageous much as my father did with societies stigmas toward transsexuals

Moreover, if president Obama passes a revised EDNA and changes armed forces regulations and passes hate crime revisions. I have given serious thought to law permitting and this is very optimistic being one of the first transwomen to enlist in the ARMY

That's overly optimistic of being a historical GI Jane wanna be but I would love to serve this country even during times of potential global and economic instibilly

I’m young enough I don't have any felonies and I am in prime physical condition and see a few years active duty as a good thing for me and potentially a reservist and maybe becoming a civil servant in san Francisco

More over the excitement of my joy fate tomorrow will bring me to Oakland as well as Berkeley for some necessary affairs I need to handle

Moreover I've thought and had some wonderful correspondence with some amazing individuals on a few transsexual support forums and listervs I belong to


I have an excursion to Oakland and Berkeley tomorrow via BART and ac transit.

I landed a modeling job for a well-respected local but internationally known GLBT business in promotional littuture

I met someone famous today and could be called a celebrity. In addition, I have been recently thinking of my finical goals desires and what I need to achieve for me

I wrote code recently for an individual that needed some amendments to his blog coding.

I dreamed last night of riding a motorcycle through Big Sur than back up north to eureka and the snow capped mountains and peaks and through Tahoe through the dead of winter.

I've become less angry of an individual and working on my rudeness, self centered selfish attention -whoring self

My father however while he may be a good reformed god or higher power dwelling man. I admit I may have misconceptions of him and he is a complete stranger to me, as far as I am concerned DLG filled that role more than dad ever will.

Moreover my truck is sitting in the garage at Spanish oaks. I dearly miss my truck the sacrifices I have made for enlighten and other things is surreal

I found a suburb restraint in the city of san Francisco that has excellent food and dining options of my favorite Louisiana PO-boys down to the most authentic homemade new Orleans style bread

Moreover, with my events I have to do today at my electro appointment, and a few other affairs to handle in Oakland and Berkley today. I also think sometimes and wonder what if a vs. b, and I just need to let go of the past, and move on.

I’ve been reading my big book and 12x12, I also managed to dig myself into a rut more recently, but think I made it out with a racist comment to someone’s transphobic comment. I crossed a line I don’t like to cross.

The point is, I feel partly that I could have prevented my present cirmstances, I could have heeded to others wisdom, but my whole damn life vie been selfish, self-centered and attention whoreish. I wonder if I will ever change, I know if I am pleasant, I can be a wonderful person to be around when I am not being very dominating. However, the reality is, maybe I like being miss loner, and I do not want to be miss popular, which I could very well become.

Anyway, I have addenda and got on a waiting list for a nice apartment, in a rougher area of town, but feel safe there. I also plan to possibly next year travel to the ten-year high school reunion to Louisiana and possibly visit Houston as well. I may even travel partly by Amtrak, with my computer good books and spend time reading and writing, vie always wanted to take a cross country train trip and maybe fly back from Houston or new Orleans via south west to Oakland, I hate to say it SFO sucks ass.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The thought of me having an internet addiction is a possibility, in addition, I feel lost, alone, and adrift. The thought of death is very surreal end to my suffering, but I know I don’t want that, I want libration and well freedom.

I’ve enjoyed the real world Brooklyn, with the Transgender Individual, The Not so Gay Metro sexual Mormon, and the Lesbian who became bisexual from san Francisco. It mildly amuses me.

Furthermore, I find more about myself and continue to grow and prosper as a true individual. I slept peaceful again last night, and have been well rested and remodel of the shower should be finished soon so, I’m looking forward to that. Furthermore, I grow and still continue to grow as a young woman.

I remember the terror I lived out on Hayes Road many eons ago In Houston Texas. I remember the suffering I suffered. I also chose to make a stand. If and when President Obama, makes good on his promise I will go to the San Francisco FBI Field office, I don’t like admitting this but I dislike our government and the way it has gone

The Whitehouse page of http://www.whitehouse.gov/agenda/civil_rights/
Has a lot of issues that amuse me, despite some of my more right wing views and being a civil libertarian I like a lot of things on this page. I’m proud that every president I voted for seince 2000 has won.


I have shit to do today, and not much time to blog and am working on some parts of my program that need some adjustment in my life.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Ive been thinking recently, about things, my blogging and the direction I want to go. I recently have enjoyed being able to post remotely via my Pocket PC and various applications. But More recently Ive thought of my future.

Today is a very original day , Im glad to be witness and proud of the President Obama. I also am working on a few things for myself. My very detailed personal post of my anger toward a few individuals that hurt me in Texas.

Some of the individual items I look Forward toward our new president achieving.

1.) Updating Outdated Power, Transportation and various curtail in structure.
2.) The economy
3.) Transgender EDNA act
4.) Federal GLBT Equality rights.

Moreover I have a few important tasks this week. Last night I attended Queers, Crackpots and Fallen women at the San Francisco Alano Club. The reality of step 9 set in, it was a good meeting despite sitting in the front row and nodding off.

I slept really sound last night, I didn’t realize how tired I was and how hard I push my everchangeing body. I am going to eat very healthy for lunch and skip dinner today. I spoke to my sponsor this morning at Orphen Andy’s for breakfast.

Late last night, I was feeling pretty depressed and I feel a lot better this morning. I have to go to my mailbox also this morning, and continue to progress as an individual as I progress on my spiritual path to innerpersonal enlightment.

Yesterday I was propsed to do a modeling job, while converseing with a professional photographer at Orphen Andy’s one of my coffee haunts, in addition to Sparky’s and The Church Street Café amongst other place.

I preformed a file backup today, added code to my site and backed up a few files. And have some appointments and also am going to be of service today.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Monday, January 19, 2009

Monday, January 19, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009 The discovery of my of my life and discovery of life. I continue to grow as a young woman I also has been thinking of where I want to be five, 10 YEARS down the road.

I know I am an amazing caring person who can be stubborn tough as nails and also very loving caring honest and loyal

The so weekly article was a bit biased toward right wing interests I also had a quite amusing visit with a less than likely place to find an transsexual friendly. doctor and had some mild amusement with some med students playing laboratory rats metaphorically speaking.

Speaking of which I spoke to a friend in Houston whom made a few calls its clear when and if I ever return some bridges I burned at present I will not be welcomed with open arms

Furthermore I have discovered and try to decide how to handle an individual in the san Francisco, whom I feel a foe of mine from Houston who is coming to san Francisco may have turned against me, I also feel portrayed by a few series of individuals whom christen Williams I was informed she had contact with

More over my time in frisco is possibly coming to an end due to my shame and also feeling to brush my hands free of sf until christen is surely gone ill have a loyal supporter of my causes inform me when it is safe to return

With my present operations and ventures it seems a trip might be in order something off the eyes of the TSA meaning low profile travel via road and charter

Given my high level of intelligence, I have. Had to decrease some contact with individual's who may inform christen Williams of my life I do not hate her or wish her any harm imp deeply ashamed of my actions

But I want to make amends but it’s obvious I’m unwelcome I shall further stay off her radar and even keep a lower profile and given I poses great knowledge about law enforcement and investigative and skiptraceing procudures.

I know how to blend I can con or scam my way in. Im good with people and networking and know how to blend in

If anything I hope I can ammend my prior transgressions

I had a shipment of goods come in ill deliver them later in the week to my slnbcvbuyer for my employer and make the dirty clean so to speak gradualy through capitalism of the underground economy that keeps the.underworld of the cesspool of san francisco afloat


Furthermore I continue to grow as an indidivual and have a few issues I need to confront before I walk right out the door


I've more recently understood my cause of depression. I hurt for my regrets shame and more importantly resentment toward various individuals such as myself , individuals in texas , louisiana , family, my father and others

Im going to tell my therpist today about how I feel and hurt the suffering of my soul

The reality is I feel empty or alone its that empty feeling that leaves me empty, alone and depressed.

Its not that I enjoy being alone its more of a interpersonal necessity, for surival of myself. The point is I need to develop the best innerpersonal discovery.

Point being life is what you make it, this week I have to achive a task of very detail oriented tasks.

The very detail oriented tasks for the upcoming two weeks are as following :

1.) achive finiance goals
2.) followup with good employment lead with supurb long term benefits
3.) therpist apointment
4.) send keys to DLG , and documents
5.) I
I




Even more disturbing is my continued agony, pain and suffering.

The further discovery of my life and power of becoming self-aware and responsible
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sunday, January 18, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009

There are days when I ponder life. I have some finance issues haunting me, with my debtors, Uncle Sam and other folks. I added photos to my photo bucket of some good old fashioned rioting due to racial tensions in Oakland.

I personally believe that if president elect Obama is ever harmed, which I hope by the grace of god he is SAFE for the next four or eight years, as a patriot I love this country. I think there will be riots in a grand scale if he is harmed, similar to the Rodney king riots in many citys.

I also think the case against the BART Police officer is going to end in Manslaughter or acquittal despite the Murder charges, I think Murder will not stick in the matter. or something similar and there is going to be riots in San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley, LA and other cities.

It is sad, but I don’t want to have to deal with that sort of violence, and this is more a polecat commentary. And an honest onion, I don’t want to have to be in a race war or riot and my excursions to the east bay for work, doctors appointment and sometimes personal I have to go though the war zone of downtown Oakland, 19th street, mcaurther, Fruitvale. Moreover, that bothers me.

I do not want to fight a battle, but if things come to that, each person has to protect their selves, and the sad part is the prejudice that exists. I know under duress individuals act irrationally, the idiots who are doing this are.

I preformed a few rounds of Urban Exploration with a few like minded individuals, and even soared to dangerous highgts but that’s what I find erotic of urban exploring, risk, danger, and also viewing history and sprawl.





I’m lately very unhappy and depressed and Miss my friends in Texas.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009

There are days when I ponder life. I have some finance issues haunting me, with my debtors, Uncle Sam and other folks. I added photos to my photo bucket of some good old fashioned rioting due to racial tensions in Oakland.

I personally believe that if president elect Obama is ever harmed, which I hope by the grace of god he is SAFE for the next four or eight years, as a patriot I love this country. I think there will be riots in a grand scale if he is harmed, similar to the Rodney king riots in many citys.

I also think the case against the BART Police officer is going to end in Manslaughter or acquittal despite the Murder charges, I think Murder will not stick in the matter. or something similar and there is going to be riots in San Francisco, Oakland, Berkeley, LA and other cities.

It is sad, but I don’t want to have to deal with that sort of violence, and this is more a polecat commentary. And an honest onion, I don’t want to have to be in a race war or riot and my excursions to the east bay for work, doctors appointment and sometimes personal I have to go though the war zone of downtown Oakland, 19th street, mcaurther, Fruitvale. Moreover, that bothers me.

I do not want to fight a battle, but if things come to that, each person has to protect their selves, and the sad part is the prejudice that exists. I know under duress individuals act irrationally, the idiots who are doing this are.

I preformed a few rounds of Urban Exploration with a few like minded individuals, and even soared to dangerous highgts but that’s what I find erotic of urban exploring, risk, danger, and also viewing history and sprawl.





I’m lately very unhappy and depressed and Miss my friends in Texas.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I feel less connected, but motivated, and optimistic. I do not feel sad, or even suicidal per say, more empty and meaningless given my past few posts, I feel un-connected, alone, persecuted, and misunderstood. I miss my grandmother more and more, I miss My mother. I feel the pit is crashing in.

Its not that I am ashamed or a pity party, it is that I just do not feel threes anyone who gets me, I feel alone in agony and angst. I feel lost, adrift and concerted by the information superhighway. I feel often misjudged.

Perhaps empty is how I feel.

Anyway I got a few things working, I also have some errands to run.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Thursday, January 15, 2009

Furthermore, I continue to grow as an individual and have a few issues I need to confront before I walk right out the door

I have more recently understood my cause of depression. I hurt for my regrets shame and more importantly resentment toward various individuals such as myself, individuals in Texas, Louisiana, family, my father and others

I am going to tell my therapist today about how I feel and hurt the suffering of my soul, The Fact was I understand my pain, and suffering in my heart, and soul, I cope with it more or less these days. It is just that the day might come when rather than performing a radical event, or acting my resentments toward other individuals.

The way I will likely die before my 30th birthday will be alone, problem on a camping trip alone, in my truck or jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, with my best poker face on, and dropping letters to friends, family and loved ones off on the way on a Sunday or 3 or 4 day holiday weekend. Due to the lack of mail service, it would be very successful in my endeavors, and during a hard January storm or season, would be equality beneficial due to the impairment of the United States coasty guard of launching a rescue.

But that’s fucking Disneyland I suppose, These days I doubt my death, or even vigilantism is much enter for, I don’t go out to the marina, or the presidio much due to the depressing nature of it.
The point is I struggle to feel alive inside, Its not the lack of entry or motivation, its more the worthless self-image of myself, and just not that I don’t have people that care about me, love me, or wish the best for me. Its that I don’t love myself, I mean I take care of myself out of necessity, but I don’t get it, Life.

I deeply miss Texas, and even more so Mississippi, Louisiana, and especially Galveston Island, Houston, karma, Crystal Beach, Corpses Christy, Austin, Dallas, Jasper, Tomball, Spring Branch, Katy, Cypress, Sealy, Luckkenback, etc.

I suppose, I feel just lost, I am unhappy, I miss feeling like I fit in, I miss feeling part of like I belong, I miss feeling like I have a home, a family, people who understand me. I don’t feel people get my complex nature. I also feel Im not going to live to 30, I thought that at 25,26,27,28.

I remember once in a utility corridor I attempted to commit suicide by carbon Monoxide poisoning in rural west Houston, I failed due to hitting the “auto down” of the driver’s side window on my ford truck. I remember another time, I sat in a rooftop pondering jumping in river oaks on many nights a few parking garages I pondered if I was alive or just a bag of bones, another time playing Russian Rolette alone I bent the firing pin, and was lucky.

I understand individuals such as the investment banker who hit a dark place, which by the grace of my own personal god or lacking of my understanding, I have been there, you go nuts. You have shame; I have some faith, and also had the life experience that death or the closeness of it is not very fun. I almost got myself killed that fateful January a few years ago.

Anyway, today I have an appointment with my therapist, and my shrink. I also have an upcoming doctor’s appointment. I have laundry to do soon in a few days. I also worked a few hours for one of my clients. I added a few lines of code to my site. I also am defragging and optimizing my computer today, which it very badly needs.

I fixed my mp3 player and digital cam, I also am in love with my pocket pc I can compose my blog entrees and other items with office mobile and sync them to my computer for posting and even have a program that I can write code for my website while on Bart or main, ac transit, or the cal train.

The idiots in my birthplace of Oakland rioted and selfishly destroyed other individuals property, I love Oakland and Berkeley its more sane than the city, but threes things I like more about the city in some ways as well. They also don’t tolerate the bullshit that far left labial nut jobs put up with in the city.
Saw the Cop I like writing a ticket this morning, I also had coffee at orphan Andy’s and wrote code on my AT&T Tilt, I also got Skype working on my Smartphone to make calls, My other number I might try to roll over from metro pcs to boost with the new national unlimited plan perhaps anyway, but regardless Im going to keep my 713 AT&T number at least for the forceeablle future.


I duno its just another day. I think im going to do more walking soon.





"Born Californian, Raised Cajun (With Gravy & Lagniappe), Came Out Texan"
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I had a meeting today, a bit puzzled with some affairs; I often wonder if the day will come when My life will end soon. I have something’s haunting from my past in 2007, and 2008 potentially causing me more finical harm.

I received a phone call about 5 pm yesterday from the San Francisco Human Rights Commission here is a copy of the e-mail, which was sent to me regarding my treatment at SF general hospital and a few religious bigots

Hello Leigh.

Per our conversation, if you would like assistance changing your medical
identification card to say F (female), please go see patient advocate Ana
Perucho at SF General M-F 8:30-5:00. Be sure to bring your drivers
license. You may also call Ms. Perucho at 206-5176.

You may also speak with Ms. Perucho about them forcing you to use the men's
changing room and about the rude comments and laughter.

Hadas


That gives me something to do this week; I also have to attempt to make it to therapy later today. I went to the Height Ashbury and up twin peaks today. I was semi productive, I caught most of our lady of Safeway, but was very tired I got up at 1 am yesterday and just have been semi umber busy. Im going to turn in early today

I have a meeting with my sponsor on Friday and Saturday as well. And some homework to achive, Im very sleepy today. My depression is not realted to lack of life, its more of just wanting to give up. Ill share more on this later

I ran into a old friend and trans-bian couple who got married and eloped to seattle for a few months.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I Thought I’d take a chance today on my blog and share something alas a bit personal about myself, as well as let some enlightenment get out the closet.
I’m selfish, I am picky, I have utterly high standards. I am careful whom I associate with, I am careful of the company I remain in. Its nothing personal, I don’t think Im better than you, even if I aspire to become such.


My sponsor, whom shall remain anonymous, but is on my face book page, and wont share much more than that.

Has something in common, he grew up in Houston, He knows someone I am face book friends and that still will speak to me I suppose one of the Big LGBT Leaders in Houston, one who has witnessed me drunk and crashing a few events including a infamous blackout I don’t 100% remember in 2006, where I crashed some sort of event.

But today is a day of major achievement, between 2005-2007 I thought I was doomed, I gave up, I was angry, I honestly thought Id be jumping off a rooftop in Houston, which I spent many nights in parking garages, afterhours night clubs, and on rooftops, and utility corridors in my 4x4 truck out of depression.
I convey to my sponsor that I miss Houston, He even suggested that I maybe visit my uncle. Nevertheless, he is correct, just I need to have my shit in order to do such and now is not the time. I also conveyed that in my sobriety, I am in misery. I mean I have a few contents and friends in Montrose, and even Baytown and other parts of the USA.

My father’s displeasure with my arrival in San Francisco is understandable, I have some amends to make with him much as I do, and I understand if he never forgives me, I have remembered portal of my blackouts with Martin Clark Gaetjens and Christen & Lilly as well, what the hell can I say, I moved on with my life?
However, my selfishness, overlooks what I have going for me, I am in the proper place for the moment.

I remember once a utility corridor in far southwest Houston, near 59 and the sw beltway I was tailgating drinking bud light, hopeless, alone listening to Ministry, and Depeche Mode smoking American spirit. Thinking that I was doomed to death and was crying with loaded shotgun. Which I spent a lot of times like that or sitting on a ledge of a parking garage or a rooftop of a commercial building in west Houston or the galleria area. I felt I was doomed at times.

I continue to bear witness to things I do not like seeing, places I don’t like to be. I saw more recently a friend and foe (formerly) dive down into addiction, I am watching another trying to pull herself out and has even merged as an aspiring leader of the TG community here.

I feel closer than ever to my mother when she moved to the San Francisco Bay Area in 1971, from New Orleans. I feel in some way also I am walking in my father’s footsteps in San Francisco & Berkeley as He did from New York City in 1970.
I understand my mothers insanity from when I was younger, I have had suppressed memories from my early childhood of age 2 or 3. I feel closer than ever to my parents. Even if My father is not in my life, and I lost my mother at age 20 in 2001.

I have failed in some areas of my life, but have grown and are growing in other areas. I’ve cut out something’s, and are growing in other places.

Maybe I’m overlooking some things, I have of late cut back my meetings to work on some spirituality and personal study. And am becoming more set in my ways and like a hermit much as my mother was most of her life.

I just vow not to hit so low and die and become alone. I don’t quite understand things that much, but I am learning that the right and proper path and life is not a Disneyland sister.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Monday, January 12, 2009

Monday, Janary 12, 2009
Today I had some business to do at The Federal Building, I actually passed with an older and younger Federal Procreative Service Officer even was checking me out.

Nevertheless, I thought I would make a few confessionals. It’s something that occurred to me, at one time with some of the girls I used to make rounds about when I drink alone, in Houston I was invited with some VIPs on a few occasions. Once I was shy and scared, perhaps from Law & Order SVU: Fallacy and watching the Gwen a

Recently with the wonders of Face book, I discovered more about myself. I discovered some old High School Friends and Foes, not a chapter I want to remember. Nevertheless, I’ve made some outing in the closet.

I mean all of my life I have treated friendships as dispensable, usable and also just removable. I don’t even know how long I will remain in Frisco, I don’t like it here, even if it’s a GLBT Capitol of the United States of America. I dream of Los Angles’.

I have more photos I am going to upload soon.

But I want to state something to people I’m geographically separated from, family members, loved ones, and even people I’ve hurt or people that still care about me even if you’re not in my life for whatever reason.
This is my informal statement:
“I love you, I am grateful for everything anyone has given me, for once in my life I am alive, I am being myself. Please just let me find myself; find my place, path, and way. I am not angry with you, I hope you can forgive me from the bad times, and remember the good.

I want to make amends, and love but I need my space and to be alone. In addition, if anything should ever happen to me, either by someone else’s hands, or not. Give them a chance for forgiveness, but also make sure they pay for what they did to me. I loved life and lived. I know who I am as an Individual and that is priceless, and I am an incredibly brave woman”
I suppose the nightmares are better, lately my legs have cramped up, I have started my new diet, and working on my exercise commitment, and changed my lifestyle a bit.

Today I was shocked from my paper guy, in the BART station it went up from twenty five cents for the San Francisco Chronicle to Fifty Cents Inflation is a bitch.

Recently on one of my excursions for personal and work, and pleasure to the East Bay, I witnessed an gender variant individual being hassled by a Transit driver, I felt poorly for keeping quiet during Trans-Phobia, but they were nice to me and some folks in the bay area Im stealth to.

I honestly don’t like being angry, alone and selfish, attention-whorish, and so much like my mother with the fucked up childhood she gave me, and my father abandoned me. But I can’t turn back time. I only make the best with what I have, one day at a time.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger
Monday, January 12, 2009

I don’t often blog about things, or feelings or true emotions, I view emotions as a obstacle to life, people come and go and are expendable in my world, it’s not that I’m selfish or controlling or even dominating, it’s just I don’t allow myself to become attached to any people, person or place or thing.

It’s that My selfishness, and inner struggle and anger are a emotional obstacle, it’s not that I deny being Transsexual, or female for matter or are un-sure about it, it’s about the pain of de-transitioning, the suffering of myself, and the fact is I am sure of who I am, it’s just others prejudiced, the time and other flats, but having experienced de transition, I know it will make me more chronicle depressed.

In the movie Death Proof which by the way is filmed in one of my favorite Texas towns, only surpassed by Houston, and Dallas is third, but also having a love for rural east Texas. Kurt Russell makes a quote that he doesn’t drink because “alcohol is a lubricant you have women, beer, sex, and music in the bar” before he starts his murderous psychopathic rampage.

The Point is my suffering to Transition, outside de-transition and Vikki, beer, and red wine withhold my pain. I don’t go out and generally dislike the drunken cesspool of church street and Castro street and the mission at night, not to say I haven’t been in a queer, or dyke bar, but I’ve been maybe three times séance in san Francisco for over a year.

Moreover I notate that I do on brief but rare occasion in my various morning meditation spots such as Delores Park, Ocian Beach, Baker Beach, Golden Gate Park, uc Berkeley campus. I find that I do on occasion concider de-transiton but also know it would, hurt me and I do not feel I can go throough that again.

My suicidal feelings and depression is around the through of giving up and admitting defeat in transitioning, which I won’t do, a lot of my life, I had the bricks laid out for me, I almost married a few times, I was a Latter Day Saint, I watched my life and world collapse in Houston, Texas which I miss the Cajun food and culture, redneck towns, ranches, the Houston Rodeo, The Astros, The Texans, The Rockets.

I miss Montrose more also; My blood and baby steps toward finding myself, and drying up and my blood and sorrows were shed there. In various watering holes, churches, restraints, and instructions and even rooftops in the area, and also various utility condors on the far west and south west, and north west harries county.

I hurt because of that, I am ashamed of how I behaved and acted. I am ashamed of things I did both known, and unknown. I feel poorly, but I worked with my sponsor on these things, I am on step 2 again, and working hard, and these feelings shall pass.

I admit I have a crush on someone a guy, whos very straight, but I suspect might be a closeted case of attractions to trans-women. I feel “peer pressure” keeps him away from me. That’s a confessional, and he shall remain anonymous.

I also flirted with someone this week and was rejected, blab love stinks.

Nevertheless, I have an appointment this morning; I got up about 2 am pacific time, and had a rough weekend. I also saw a coyote near the San Francisco Cal-Train Depot while awaiting the N owl at 3:30 am. Than later this morning
, I saw a fight break out on the 91 OWL which was very well bad, SFPD got there quick, I saw one of the officers I flirt with a few occasions when I witnessed a botched robbery, and a traffic stop and that took a report from me when a guy tried to rob me inside the Jack-In-the Box at 4th and Mission at 4am back in fall 2008, and damaged my Motorola Razor, in addition that location is no longer open 24 hours due to that event.
I also had a dream last night of a motorcycle and riding through Big Sur, and through death valley and up to lake Tahoe, one of the nutty women I live with, my anger toward her drinking and disruptiveness, boiled over, and I took action and another person gave the varying assertive role and it seemed to and hopefully got better, I got a decent night oof sleep.

Perhaps my own anger, social awkwardness, and resentment is part of fear of being hurt, but the only thing to fear is fear itself, and I broke free. Alternatively, am breaking free.

Maybe my problem is being to overly displayed and seeking others self-seeking approval. Maybe I should do more for me. And start to live my life on my lifes terms.
I have shit to do today, and have a very busy week ahead.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
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