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04/06/08

The reality of my life and what I understand, I hurt and hurt and hurt and if I dont feel better soon, I made a choice and plan of action on how to deal with my resenemtns in a manner which wont harm anyone. I am hurting because I hurt myself in houston, and wore out my welcome the memories are too painful to live there, and in my reality of what I need to do you me, I know more about myself, life and fear, soberity and death.

I have resenemtns toward myself as listed in a few prior posts a few days ago I know more about my future, I hope things get better but I have a plan “D” if it doesnt if A,B,C dont work should I stay or go, or spin around like a record.

I have prayed pondered on this issue, and meditated deaply in my heart mind and soul, and know the answer to life and enlightment for my soul and what life ensures, and the path of enlightment and zen and what I need to do for me, not anyone else. Even though It might be a loss.

I spin round toward the golden gate below, and fire down below.

From California to New Orleans, to Harvey, to Brooklyn, and Mepmphes, and Houston and Now san francisco.

She fires up her pick up truck the last time, boards a plain in faith, and enlightment for the soul

Takes a leap of faith sober and dies in the waters down below

The church of jesus christ of latter day saints is true to a degree, but they dont accept me.

I jump off the bridge in faith drop down below into life and die in faith

Maybe to be re-united in heaven or not or hell, who knows what only time and faith will tell

I pull the trigger for the pain, and resenemts I caused others pull the tigger and jump down in pain

Death is only footsteps away, now I shoot myself in pain, and I dont have to hurt anymore, dieing in pride, I send a letter of pride and ammends, and love and honesty in the death of rain, one year sober allomost she self-termantes and sends off in joy of the afterlife and other side

just a poem I wrote, I am doing well and alive, and have things to do, before later today.

I have prayed pondered on this issue, and meditated deaply in my heart mind and soul, and know the answer to life and enlightment for my soul and what life ensures, and the path of enlightment and zen and what I need to do for me, not anyone else. Even though It might be a loss.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Photo of me this morning

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The truth Is I do more, with myself and my life. I have a dream of inner most peace, I am greatful for what I did have life, sobriety, and renewed faith. I also am glad for being here, and alive. I miss my folks, I hope things come through this week. I am close to finical enlightenment, going back to school, at the young age of 27, I look really pretty, and am passing and blending in more.

I ran into a trans-man friend recently who is in the program and has little less than 2 months, maybe I wil sponsor him. I understand what its like to struggle with yourself. And suffer. I hope he gets it. I think gina masten is still in jail, I might go visit when I go to Houston, but prob bely not.

I dreamed more recently of life, and enlightenment more. I also slept good and ok, and have been taking good care of myself, and I want life and love, I fear being alone all of my life, I fear loosening what I could have.

I cant resent the past, Texas, Houston. Ive also noticed my emotions have been a little off the wall as of late, and across the board, its odd and obscure on how I feel and who I am as an Individual,.

Myself personally, its not all about me, and give me, but give back. I also had the enlightening vision of a future and life re-born again in faith, and my own personal jesus Christ as a I understand her.

I also have the enlightenment and a Bill of life, into my peace, love and higher power and own personal jesu christ, and had the enlightment of my faith and higher power. I know finace and fait, progress not prefection and life of who and what I am.

I know being in my present cirmstances scares me, greatly and dearly, into my own personal, jesus. I also know my faith, and higher power of myself and life. I miss my family, and friends, I miss having meaning but know this path is the step to rebuilding my life, I think so anyway. It hurts so much, and so good, bring the pain on within, myself.

I also know my family, church family and past hurts. My therapist conn clues and fulfills, my life I know who and what enlightenment, brings into myself and faith of my higher power I need my personal jesus Christ for who I am, and know what I do is progressive though slowly I make progress down the circle of life, into the path to the future. Ive been walking more as of late, and know its the correct path for my life and faith and higher power.

Ive been getting mamed more and more and miss. I also know my dad will always be my dad, and I have the resentment

I am loved, by myself, sometimes I get lonely, I hurt to share parts of my life, pain and suffering with otters, but I am attractive sometimes, I feal sexy today and beautiful more and more. I know who and what I am for myself, and love myself moreover. I am myself and own personal jesus chrrist

I also have not been sleeping as much as I should but I am taking good care of myself, I bought some new foundation this week, and tried out some new power and blush. I also did my hair again it looks pretty. I also have some things to pick up, I need new shoes, its amazing how fast you go through shoes, these got dirty sort of the canvas ballet flats, I should have picked a different color maybe I can clean the canvas.

I also have a few things I need to do, and for myself and life I don't know what, I might stay where I am given its closer to downtown atm. I also miss my folks, I further worked on a 1^st step and composing the letter to MLS and DLG

I also have to do some name and maker change, I'm going to get a noterised letter for the TSA when flying given I am terriefed of government officals, and law enfrocment mainly due to being abused by such, on occasion and sometimes I would intentionaly put myself in that suitution and matter.

I get hit on a lot not being like overly trashy I duno I have new wardrobe, I scarfaced a lot to achive where I AM and I am starting to reap the re-wards as such and the enlightment I have been given the gift of life.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

My Day so far, and the test of time and zen.

This morning I awoke early left at 5am, and was out and made arrangements before hand. I ate ok, I also took care of other business, while walking down the street talking to a friend I got hit very bad with seagull shit, and have massive shit hit me in the mouth at sunrise, on my sweater, jacket disguising. I cleaned up and got it out of my hair as well and washed my mother out with saltwater and threw up.

I got my post office box, did some student loan paper work, and other parts, wrote some HTML, and php and pearl and ascriptive for my site, and server. I also did some work for someone doing web submissions and search engine ranking, and suggested some changes to their meta tags that has a small business site, but its sort of lacking in skills.

I went back to eating once day, and doing the veg and going closer toward vegan. I have been taking much better care of myself, I also saw my g/f this morning and we kissed, well we like each other a lot and are close but keep our relationship very well secret. And I draw the boudoirs of sobriety. Shes bi-sexual I dunno, younger than I, doesn't quite have what I have but is over 21. but still younger than 27 but insecure also as well and in other areas well is well sort of. I dunno I should not be dating in severity.

And due to conflicts of interests we need to keep our relationship secret for my reason and hers, its odd and obscure and something we hide, due to conflicts of interests in both of us, but she has a lot of drama, and I donut let it get me down, sort of like Bosnia and I.

Have a doctors appointment later, other commitments, and made my service commitment yesterday and also have some more aggressive job hunting the bad storm systems are coming in today. My holiday yesterday was quasi productive kind of.

I went to a meeting today and have a meeting planned for later and laundry over the weekend.

I also have something to say, “all My exes live in Texas, thats why I hung my hat in San Francisco. I fly on the southwest pain to New Orleans and fire up my pickup truck and let two hundred and seventy five horse power flow, down the highway, and I love this bar in Houston, but I pass it by and keep going to meetings. And reach enlightenment, and every day is Halloween and out in san francisco I am a redneck woman.”

I have a doctors appointment, group later this week for outpoint substance abuse, and to get my hormone levels checked, and a few shots, and go to a trans gender support meeting as well. I have plans and get ready for life again. I also dreamed a bit and the nightmares have stopped, the antidepressants I filled over the weekend, have me perky and happy and in love with myself and the world. And have been helping with the flashbacks. Its a very low dose around 10mg, and its working.

I might call MM today to see if she received the request for records

PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

the life of me

10/22/07

Today the cold and rain the weather I like, also brings me suffering, My body hurts badly when it rains like this, the joints and my hand aches, I must go shopping for mittens and fingerless gloves given Mine are lost, they help the suffering and pain less.

I awoke early this morning and took care of affiors but the appointment at 10:30 was bad the weather was bad and I got lost, I made it back near home due to the weather, and the bad weather is nerve racking and It reminds me of my traffic accident.

I wish I had a prius or a small hatchback or honda or something sometimes or a 3-series convertible due to the weather and driving in bad weather is nerve racking and I don't enjoy it as much. I don't even enjoy driving anymore.

I met someone last night whom, we talked a good part of the night on the phone we have a lot in common, and I might consider after I get affairs in order moving to DFW or going back to SFO with her, she and I have a lot in common.

I am fasting today for spiritual reasons to bring me closer to Christ, and I miss my family and wish someone understood me. I wish I wasn't alone but I have to be alone right now, to finish my tasks at hand, and bring order to my life. I don't need any changes and I am working on a painful list of those I wronged with my sponsor, and people tell me this and that blah blah blah. And Its to much bull shit and drama in meetings, I go when I need to but I have a lot to do to make my goals, and I don't know it hurts so bad, I did things wrong.

I have forgiven to a degree those who abused, me given I abused others, and I can let go, with the drama. I forgive them, but want my day of justice but I don't deserve it for the verbal, emotional abuse I caused others locally. I choose to stay alone, I am quiet shy and laid back more so due to the fact I don't want to get my ego and narcissism on.

I made bad choices, in friendships, had someone who accepted and understood me and drove them away in fear. I don't resent that because that was 2 years ago, but I understand how they feel about me and accept that as the consequence of their actions. I still have fear in the weather, flashing lights on two trucks, fire engines, or the sight of a security or police or law enforcement auto.

I have been remembering more pain and so bad things I did, and the worst part is. I'm not any better than the abuse I had at work, on and off the job. I did it to others, and I am guilty. The holidays are coming up and I'm going to spend it alone this year, sober and well just sort of alone. Maybe thats how I need to be, I need to let the pain ozzee in.

I have laundry today, some grocery shopping for later in the week and a therapy appointment and to make a doctors appointment. I am afraid and don't know what to do, but I am going to do it and face my fears and bring the pain on.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

self growth for today

10/21/07

My day to today was interesting and obscure and also very well emotionally painful. I didn't sleep much, I had a odd desire and dream and well cravening last night and remembering more pain I caused others. I went to a church this morning searching for faith,alas I have none.

I also had horrid dreams, its embarrassing but I remember bad, nasty hateful things I did to others, and sometimes I don't awaken and bed wet in the nightmares as em brassing as the pain is. I also dreamed something else horrid, that I did or had someone else do for me to keep my hands clean.

I went to the office warehouse and went through files, I also read up some on illness and depression and other things, Its hard for me as a Capricorn to admit defeat. I have a plan to reach in 18 months as a goal. And I would rather die sober than to falter or relapse in my plans.

I found something else today, I went grocery shopping, hauled off some crap, and went urban exploring and searching for more of myself and my past. I also did some house work and domestic things. Talked to a old church friend thats in Utah today before he went to church.

I am making my thanksgiving plans, I also crossed paths with a old friend out in past the old me, I talked to the folks and family more about my gender identity and transsexual issues, and we debate things, but in honesty it did not shock some people who raised me and took care of me growing up. Just some debate as to when they took form is debatable.

Ive been dreaming of things, and the movie the return is a good relationship to how my life is going at the present, the creepiness and earyness. I am remembering something horrid I did, and It hurts, and I am going legitimate, but the pain is really bad. I know I cant allow things to build up, I go to a few meetings a week. But mainly just stooping by helps where I started I just have so much to do, but not to much in sanity.

I don't want the pain, and don't want to be out and about around town, but I have tasks to finish and much to do Monday morning, Ive stopped spending nights on roof tops, and now spend nights, in parking lots, utility corridors, and off road overlooks of rivers and bayous. Though I still occasionally go on roof tops my train of thought is depressing. Ive been dreaming of a motorcycle as of late.

I had a salsa very wrap today with Tabasco sauce and have been dreaming more of well the future and somewhere there is a 3 series awd supercharged hard top convertible along with a A+ cert and the pacific coast highway in the picture.

I also this morning understood why MM and JT want me to get further help, and listened to talk radio watching the nightlife drunks, and binge eating and throwing up and a upset tummy ache last night, some people burn out and need something more to help them. I had a lot of trauma, and I want justice, but the truth is I wonder if I deserve it. I honestly am more quiet, shy and laid back. I don't like crowds and like to people watch, if someone finds me interesting maybe ok, but I have high standards and taste, I am very generous and caring and giving and charitable, and like to give service with time, skills, and giving things materialistic even if I purchase it for that reason.

I also saw someone more recently that brought more and more pain into my life, I had a shock wave as of late on the north loop and some more painful thoughts hitting me back when I had a desire of drinking more and more.

I plan to reach my goal, even if I reach it and give up to achieve enlightenment. I am scared but I am making it and reaching myself. And growing.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)