the life of me

10/22/07

Today the cold and rain the weather I like, also brings me suffering, My body hurts badly when it rains like this, the joints and my hand aches, I must go shopping for mittens and fingerless gloves given Mine are lost, they help the suffering and pain less.

I awoke early this morning and took care of affiors but the appointment at 10:30 was bad the weather was bad and I got lost, I made it back near home due to the weather, and the bad weather is nerve racking and It reminds me of my traffic accident.

I wish I had a prius or a small hatchback or honda or something sometimes or a 3-series convertible due to the weather and driving in bad weather is nerve racking and I don't enjoy it as much. I don't even enjoy driving anymore.

I met someone last night whom, we talked a good part of the night on the phone we have a lot in common, and I might consider after I get affairs in order moving to DFW or going back to SFO with her, she and I have a lot in common.

I am fasting today for spiritual reasons to bring me closer to Christ, and I miss my family and wish someone understood me. I wish I wasn't alone but I have to be alone right now, to finish my tasks at hand, and bring order to my life. I don't need any changes and I am working on a painful list of those I wronged with my sponsor, and people tell me this and that blah blah blah. And Its to much bull shit and drama in meetings, I go when I need to but I have a lot to do to make my goals, and I don't know it hurts so bad, I did things wrong.

I have forgiven to a degree those who abused, me given I abused others, and I can let go, with the drama. I forgive them, but want my day of justice but I don't deserve it for the verbal, emotional abuse I caused others locally. I choose to stay alone, I am quiet shy and laid back more so due to the fact I don't want to get my ego and narcissism on.

I made bad choices, in friendships, had someone who accepted and understood me and drove them away in fear. I don't resent that because that was 2 years ago, but I understand how they feel about me and accept that as the consequence of their actions. I still have fear in the weather, flashing lights on two trucks, fire engines, or the sight of a security or police or law enforcement auto.

I have been remembering more pain and so bad things I did, and the worst part is. I'm not any better than the abuse I had at work, on and off the job. I did it to others, and I am guilty. The holidays are coming up and I'm going to spend it alone this year, sober and well just sort of alone. Maybe thats how I need to be, I need to let the pain ozzee in.

I have laundry today, some grocery shopping for later in the week and a therapy appointment and to make a doctors appointment. I am afraid and don't know what to do, but I am going to do it and face my fears and bring the pain on.

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Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)