03/08/2008
Today I have more to my own chapter to my own gnosticism I discovered more about myself, life and my own chapter to my own gnosticism and life with progress not perfection, this morning after leavening my place of residence and solitude. I had one guy hit on me, a receipting collections truck driver hit on me while making his rounds, and a homeless pan-handler who smelled of booze, and meth get close to me, and try and intimidate me into giving over the money.
I don't show fear, I don't give a fuck, the only choice is to remain zen to keep enlightenment, and zen, progress but not perfection with life, love and fear of the unknown. I awoke at 2am this morning to peace, and took a nice long hot shower and did some grooming, washed my hair and other tasks to keep looking nice and pretty. I left at 5am and saw a beatufl California sun rise, have a meeting on the agenda. I also have other factors and tasks I need to finish and archive to reap the benefits of progress.
I also have more progress in myself and chapter to my own gnosticism, I have one more meeting to archive my mandatory 4 meetings a week I also discovered more about my own life and who I am as a person, I don't want the drama, and insanity I need, and know what I want out of life on my terms, but I will play by the rules, so to speak the written ones, the legal ones and some of the un-written ones.
Myself I discovered more of life, and fear of the unknown I also know more about my own life and progress but not perfection in my own, enlightenment, peace, and love of myself, joy of the world, and gratitude.
Today I am grateful for:
Being alive
having a roof over my head, food in my tummy
Moved on with my life, working my program
I am grateful for the fellowship of AA and 12-step programs, I am grateful for life, and renewed clarity.. I am grateful for faith, faceting my fears, and enlightenment and peace. I miss my folks, I miss Texas but alas I move forward
I also know more that being progressive in my own gnosticism and life, and opening up more I love more about myself and like being alive, talking about myself and becoming myself. I also think I know more about who I am, and faceting my fears.
Furthermore, The life I want to live, there is a saying I saw while watching a 1980s move angels in America, which the closet case LDS / Mormon amused me. The necessary choices in life are not easy to make but contunineing to make those choices on the path are even more difficult.
The other factor is, I was recently told by a former LDS person, that they want me back, to repent for my “sins” I am who I am, I don't chose this, I know what I am. I left because of the pain, I don't disbelieve in the god, I am more spirituality religious and more gnostic.
I this morning ate French fry's and a cup of coffee, I am loosening weight after some path of my diet and enlightenment, when I go to meetings I remain focused and disciplined and self-parent better. I went to the federal bldg, yesterday and TCB, only to have to return on Monday.
Also when entering it was a bit uneasy, the G.H. Bush federal bldg, is odd and obscure looking looks like a prison and is the state of the art, fed rial building and one of the only ones build after 9-11 and bushes term. Oddly enough they put it in san Francisco.
Texas has the George Walker Bush turnpike,(Dallas) and the George Herbert Bush Airport (Houston) its sort of like putting a senator Lloyd Benson or one of the other known segregationist highway through a black neighborhood, because he took the houses with emanate domain. Gotta love southern, and Texas politics.
Furthermore I am glad most San Francisco Resdiants had some light, or not destroying and land grabbing the Alcatraz Island and to knock down the cell block, and but it back from the national park service, even though its rough and a dark chapter in prison history, the best way to learn about the present, and keep the future around is to preserve the past no matter how painful.
I have to get a meeting today, and go to church tomorrow, and finish or amend my homework which I already starter ed working on my 1st step. Again. I also might do a few rounds of CS (counterstrike) before and in between the good bad and ugly, I also was invited to one of the libertarian party meetings which I am an ind pedant swing voter, who is more libertarian/green + ind pendant.
My photos and other things I have some digital art, some html, xml, and php, to work on today. I also have some search engine optimizing to do, and to prepare for my flight from Oakland, International to New Orleans the drive th Houston, than to phoenix for the next leg, than to L.A. I might take a few photos in west Hollywood, and pick up something from Disneyland for the Talley's and Darline's Disney collection.
I also plan to pick up a New Orleans PO-boy and some good old fashioned Texas BBQ or BBQ Baked Potato. I also have some route planning, some accommodation have been made. I have an appointment this week at the collage. I need to print some documents before I ride the subway out there.
I saw a pickup truck that was kinship to mine right down to the few stickers even have the BYU license plate frames, yesterday I ran into 3 Mormon / LDS missionary's walking down the street I ducked in a side street, I hid from the Mormons. Mild amusing.
I updated my space, and face book, I also found someone I went to high school with from Harvey, LA and that is their hometown wow small world, and is the lead pastor of one of the church's and mission and missionary programs, I have some volunteer service work I am going to be starting to rebuild my resume, and maybe do a house-cleaning route. Or part time retail.
I also more over have life, and enlightenment, inner peace and the inner wild insane bitch more or less under control and discipline and continue to archive enlightenment, peace and joy and self-love.
Tomorrow morning I have to get up way super early and life will be a bit of a bitch, I have to leave even earlier than this morning./
Life is going for the better, and I am accountable for my actions, I am powerless and don't have control over what other people, places or things, and must remember hungry, angry, tired, lonely. I also hope Gina Masten gets her shit together. I think I figured out what happened, she called me late at night, the alarm keeps going off and a lot of false alarms, the cops busted her at home with pot and stuff and I think she is going to get help and treatment, I think she is going to get in the right direction, judge keller is not going to put up with her bullshit.
I think she also needs to get her act together, and do more for her self, and achieve enlightenment, and want to change, and clean up her, life I think forcing into treatment is bullshit, I am more in favor of incarnation given, you cant help change someone who does not want to change and help themselves, they just don't want the consequences. And I am 2000 miles away and cant do jack shit about it. Maybe a Class B misdemeanor for possession of pot with 180 days in jail and 5000 in fines will convince her to clean up and get sober and clean.
There also are other TG folks out here that do not always, do the right thing, I learned how to survive and picked up tasks and use my clearly for minupulation and allow myself to be positive and passive, and don't cause trouble, I don't go vigilante and stand up to every person if they refer to me with the wrong pronouns.
I am passive if they are not abusing, me if I feel I am not in danger unless its a health care, or legal, or something else as a libertarian I can choose to spend, my money time and matters elsewhere thats the beauty of capitalism and the free world and economy even if the corrupts the greed and hearts of men and yuppie business execs.
I also learned more about the world, I am not “banned” from anyplace, I am being very good and behaved and doing and staying out of trouble, harms way and overall keeping a low profile and keeping toward progress not perfection for enlightenment.
Myself, I know more and more about who, what and where I am I know where I am going, where I want to go today and latter in life. And I recently watched a new season of monk, and know generally where some of the scenes are filmed out in the jungle out there.
The truth about San Francisco is its not for the light and faint of heart, its for the enlightened and the California dream does still exist its just not this magic fairy land that folks expect. I look forward to miles of the pacific coast highway, Interstate 10- Interstate 5 and lake Tahoe, and The national parks.
I recently in one of my groups was invited for $100 to go on a retreat to Utah in the wonderful ZION National Park in a few months in a huge motor home and fleet of motor homes, I may consider this seriously, though I think I like being alone, quiet and in solitude, give me a backpack, a 4x4 pickup truck, cam and a net connection or broadband card and a charger or solor power charger, and I will be happy anyway.
When I went in the fed rial building I was a bit uneasy with the fed rial protective service, given things they did to other Tg folk in Houston, they were a bit uneasy, in their mannerisms but relaxed quickly and was pretty nice to me in general and I was well respected and behaved.
Furthermore, I encountered something else, my friend and enlightenment more and more as billy idol says in the midnight hour she wants more more more, thats sort of like addiction and addictive vampire personality's which I am working on in faith to my own personal jess I progress day after day, progress but not perfection one day at-a-time I archive more and more enlightenments, blessings from the God of my understanding, and my higher power.
Not to believe or disbelieve in god, or jess or the gates of heaven and hell, I just think theres something else, and more and progression in spiritual well being has not lacked or progressed as much as the rest of the world, and enlightenment,, but slowly with these baby steps progress is slowly archived into the light.
The other part is all my life, I felt like I was living and being a lie, nothing was ever good enough, I was unhappy, I was scared, the hardiest choice I made was to come out here on faith, and start over do things right with my transition, and to realizing people tell me I am a failure I am NOT a failure, I allow folks to make me proactive myself and optimism is key.
My mother was abusive, I was abused growing up, even HJM abused me sort of and I suppressed my feelings he hid from me, and tried to make someone out of Me I was not, I was 5 years old and pushed into doing things I didn't want to do, out of fear of discernment or abandonment, and I had to progress into enlightenment and faith.
www.--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
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