Friday, July 11, 2008


The reality of myself and further enlightenment and eye-opening experiences for myself. This morning was glorious and peaceful for myself.
I met with my wonderful sponsor yesterday, I am planning on a meeting later today, I made arrangements for tonight, and plan to go to the support group in the east bay. I also need to make other arrangements and I push myself hard for what is Necessary for myself.
I also am working on my essay on Trans-Phobia and Discrimnation and hate in San Francisco and beyond. A look at decimation and people’s fears of the unknown.
I also as of late am afraid, this Sunday I have 1 year sober, and what a year it has been, I met with my sponsor yesterday. I also this week went to the electro cist in the East Bay, and had more work done, my face is breaking out, in the next few weeks I will go back for more, work.
Furthermore, I am lucky to have started young, in my transition; I also am going to get back to walking more, and eating healthier more in moderation for soul and myself.
I hurt and told my sponsor my pain of what I did to individuals in the GLBTQ community in Houston, Texas ; New Orleans, LA and other places of shame.

I hurt for myself, I hurt knowing what I did and hurt bleeding in my heart, I have some trouble letting, go this week I have been lynched a few times, sometimes just doing basic things such as grooming and bothering.

Ill shares some of my expirees at 6 months in San Francisco.
1.) In January 2008 was mugged with a knife in the filmore district, and told I can be mugged or assaulted and abused my San Francisco Police when I called for service, I was handcuffed and searched, and told they had 4 units looking for the suspect. I was integrated about drug use, protection, and warrants. (which I had none)
2.) April 2008I was mugged on the MUNI Metro and told I was problem prostituting myself on the train, and no report and the law was not enforced again
3.) May 2008 I have been lynched in a communal shower by other women with Hateful GLBT slurs, had a photo taken of me with a camria phone
4.) May 2008 - I have been verbally abused and harassed by other women when sleeping
5.) June 2008- I have had a 22-caliber handgun pulled on me, out of hate and intimidation.
6.) June 2008- I was punched in the face (In clear view of a police officer) On The MUNI / Bart Station for no appernt reason and called slurs and laughed at when I was ok.
7.) I have had a Transit cop refer to me using trans-phobic and hate speech when requesting proof of payment, refuse to take a report for the mentioned
8.) I was groped while wating for food, and laughed at
9.)



Those are just small examples of whets gone on but I stay sober, it’s not easy but not every fight is worth fighting and winning for, it’s not what it’s about, I miss Texas and Houston dearly, I don’t like what occurs the drinking and drug use that is tolerated in the city of San Francisco, it’s wrong.


I looked at a few places in Oakland, and Berkeley. I however need time to finish things out in the city and work on some of my PTSD and depression issues.
--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Ive been a trike both drunk and sober, and had more puzzlement if I'm a fem but tough when I have to be, The world seems to be more accommodating to us, But I get nasty comments every day, I also hate it when businesses that are not Trans-Phobic go out their way to do so, I am pretty liberal, but being overlay accommodating is well, Depressing and wrong.

I just want to be treated as a equal, not a transwoman. Just female, Blah equity sucks.

But what do I know? I'm not as they say a woman boran woyman, Ive even seen things which are funded by the city of San Francisco, to go as boldly to say "Only women born women" are allowed to attend. Needless to say it was a outreach rpobram it was on an event fl yer widely given out to drop in centers here

I would never go there, or want help from a group Like that, its like totally weird, the Trans-Phobia that exists is drastically diff rent than In Texas, Louisiana or Miss. But it exists but less so in San Francisco, I wonder if it exists due to fear of law suits, sometimes I will notice places will mam or sir folks but wont me, I also know some local businesses have even outed me as a trans-woman to other employee's.

But Given the Free Enterprise of capitol ism, I can chose where to spend my money. I only make a stand when It is just But Quietly observer, Ive thought of making a database of Trans-phobic businesses, in the bay area, and rate things on my upcoming San Francisco rescues forums

Ive also noticed GLBT friendly businesses are not always T friendly but I don't go out the way, to cause trouble. these days. Maybe a Unofficially appointed Unofficial watchdog is in the order for me. some of these businesses make the comment, and go out of the way to keep other employees from "miss" me or "out" me.--


I also lost some documents on a commuter train last night, called 311 and filed a Police report, a meeting is in order, Ive been a utter butch lately slightly insane, but just crappy. I lost my name maker change paper work tired aorund 10pm last night after a late night dinner a a lot of DMV paper work


I slept ok, I ate somewhat ok thismorning, and rested well. I have a concuelignapointment about my depression and PTSD at the womens clinic.




Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

My Day so far, and the test of time and zen.

This morning I awoke early left at 5am, and was out and made arrangements before hand. I ate ok, I also took care of other business, while walking down the street talking to a friend I got hit very bad with seagull shit, and have massive shit hit me in the mouth at sunrise, on my sweater, jacket disguising. I cleaned up and got it out of my hair as well and washed my mother out with saltwater and threw up.

I got my post office box, did some student loan paper work, and other parts, wrote some HTML, and php and pearl and ascriptive for my site, and server. I also did some work for someone doing web submissions and search engine ranking, and suggested some changes to their meta tags that has a small business site, but its sort of lacking in skills.

I went back to eating once day, and doing the veg and going closer toward vegan. I have been taking much better care of myself, I also saw my g/f this morning and we kissed, well we like each other a lot and are close but keep our relationship very well secret. And I draw the boudoirs of sobriety. Shes bi-sexual I dunno, younger than I, doesn't quite have what I have but is over 21. but still younger than 27 but insecure also as well and in other areas well is well sort of. I dunno I should not be dating in severity.

And due to conflicts of interests we need to keep our relationship secret for my reason and hers, its odd and obscure and something we hide, due to conflicts of interests in both of us, but she has a lot of drama, and I donut let it get me down, sort of like Bosnia and I.

Have a doctors appointment later, other commitments, and made my service commitment yesterday and also have some more aggressive job hunting the bad storm systems are coming in today. My holiday yesterday was quasi productive kind of.

I went to a meeting today and have a meeting planned for later and laundry over the weekend.

I also have something to say, “all My exes live in Texas, thats why I hung my hat in San Francisco. I fly on the southwest pain to New Orleans and fire up my pickup truck and let two hundred and seventy five horse power flow, down the highway, and I love this bar in Houston, but I pass it by and keep going to meetings. And reach enlightenment, and every day is Halloween and out in san francisco I am a redneck woman.”

I have a doctors appointment, group later this week for outpoint substance abuse, and to get my hormone levels checked, and a few shots, and go to a trans gender support meeting as well. I have plans and get ready for life again. I also dreamed a bit and the nightmares have stopped, the antidepressants I filled over the weekend, have me perky and happy and in love with myself and the world. And have been helping with the flashbacks. Its a very low dose around 10mg, and its working.

I might call MM today to see if she received the request for records

PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

My true-self, transphobia, and inner bitch exposed and progress but not prefection

02/03/08

Went to a gnostic and atheist AA meeting yesterday, slept a bit over last night, still sober apporaching my 7 month mark. Scared and lonely a bit, and missing my past, and what I had and hoeing for a better future.

Had some guy today creep me out when going to handle some finical matters talking to me, and followed me a bit. Had some night sweats and chills last night. Slept kinda ok. Have a therapy appointment next week with a transgender therapist who happens to also be transgender.

Talked to PMG, and DLG a bit, called but didn't reach MLS, MCG can not be spoken to and good ridings. I realized more recently I passed through the fruit ville station from the Oakland, airport and saw MLS area and part of town. I have plans in the summer and fall to go get my pick em' truck from Texas to out here. I also spoke to a few other folks.

Had some temptations recently to go out but did not, saw someone from Texas blasting brooks and dunn Friday night, and also saw some bikers checking me out and hitting on me blearing led zeppelin on some Harley's.

I got propitiations and get missed a bit more out here, but fuck I donut want HIV or something I prefer magnanimous, relationships and more abstinence. I looked forward to a bar where I had a lapse in judgment but practices safe sex, with to much to drink right now it should be leveled into rubble and a parking lot.

I dreamed last night some naughty things about a Crush I had at the LAMBA center in Houston, Texas. We don't have a LAMBA center here, but San Jose has one once I get my truck out here, and garaged, I might spend the holidays down there, or ride BART down to San Jose.

I talked to my wonderful sponsor who has 22 years in the program is wonderful. I also yesterday reported something to a friend of works at the trans gender law center about a group that gets funing for the city providing services to those in need, that on documents excludes Trans gender_women by showing only “women born women” are welcome, I ran into her at the GLBT community center.

I stared a bit in the upcoming film “MILK” maybe Ill make it into post production, or not. A story a major motion picture about the White Night Riots in the late 1970s in San Francisco, CA.

Ive been cravening some good Texas, BBQ and baked potato and even a good New Orleans PO-boy (not the bull shit you get in Houston)

I miss my family, and being able to share my life with them, I miss my friends, those who cared, those who ethically or for the good of others had to distance themselves from me. I miss those who I hurt, and myself I hurt more.

I miss my job, my apartment, my friends. I wish I didn't fuck my life up which I did. I wish I could have gotten help and when I did even when I was wronged by witch doctors I wish I had remained strong. I wish I had transferred to the Oakland, CA wal-mart or the one out in Berkeley, CA and moved to San Francisco, CA when I had the chance.

I'm glad I overcame my own Trans-Phobia. I wish my folks could understand more, but I am becoming older wiser. I resisted temptation of the sweet smell of drinking. I wish I could still drink or just have one But I cant, I ruined that for myself when I fucked my life up.

I have to remain strong, I had to terminated friendships, relationships, and acquaintances here in San Francisco its hard to make new friends, but Id rather have little or none, and have positive friendships that don't party, drink or use drugs or do destructive actions and keep my standards utterly high and be alone or little than have bad friendships, connections.

I miss being utterly popular and amazing, I am quiet shy, laid back and alone. I am the one who people watches and I remain positive for the reason of doing what I must. Because life is short. I saw a sign and advertisement New Orleans never was dry. (blah the irony of booze and addiction)

But I am alive, well and taking care of myself, and doing whats right for me, one day at time, first things first and reaming focused dis plained, and remembering to HALT. I am me LEE.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)