Went to a gnostic and atheist AA meeting yesterday, slept a bit over last night, still sober apporaching my 7 month mark. Scared and lonely a bit, and missing my past, and what I had and hoeing for a better future.
Had some guy today creep me out when going to handle some finical matters talking to me, and followed me a bit. Had some night sweats and chills last night. Slept kinda ok. Have a therapy appointment next week with a transgender therapist who happens to also be transgender.
Talked to PMG, and DLG a bit, called but didn't reach MLS, MCG can not be spoken to and good ridings. I realized more recently I passed through the fruit ville station from the Oakland, airport and saw MLS area and part of town. I have plans in the summer and fall to go get my pick em' truck from Texas to out here. I also spoke to a few other folks.
Had some temptations recently to go out but did not, saw someone from Texas blasting brooks and dunn Friday night, and also saw some bikers checking me out and hitting on me blearing led zeppelin on some Harley's.
I got propitiations and get missed a bit more out here, but fuck I donut want HIV or something I prefer magnanimous, relationships and more abstinence. I looked forward to a bar where I had a lapse in judgment but practices safe sex, with to much to drink right now it should be leveled into rubble and a parking lot.
I dreamed last night some naughty things about a Crush I had at the LAMBA center in Houston, Texas. We don't have a LAMBA center here, but San Jose has one once I get my truck out here, and garaged, I might spend the holidays down there, or ride BART down to San Jose.
I talked to my wonderful sponsor who has 22 years in the program is wonderful. I also yesterday reported something to a friend of works at the trans gender law center about a group that gets funing for the city providing services to those in need, that on documents excludes Trans gender_women by showing only “women born women” are welcome, I ran into her at the GLBT community center.
I stared a bit in the upcoming film “MILK” maybe Ill make it into post production, or not. A story a major motion picture about the White Night Riots in the late 1970s in San Francisco, CA.
Ive been cravening some good Texas, BBQ and baked potato and even a good New Orleans PO-boy (not the bull shit you get in Houston)
I miss my family, and being able to share my life with them, I miss my friends, those who cared, those who ethically or for the good of others had to distance themselves from me. I miss those who I hurt, and myself I hurt more.
I miss my job, my apartment, my friends. I wish I didn't fuck my life up which I did. I wish I could have gotten help and when I did even when I was wronged by witch doctors I wish I had remained strong. I wish I had transferred to the Oakland, CA wal-mart or the one out in Berkeley, CA and moved to San Francisco, CA when I had the chance.
I'm glad I overcame my own Trans-Phobia. I wish my folks could understand more, but I am becoming older wiser. I resisted temptation of the sweet smell of drinking. I wish I could still drink or just have one But I cant, I ruined that for myself when I fucked my life up.
I have to remain strong, I had to terminated friendships, relationships, and acquaintances here in San Francisco its hard to make new friends, but Id rather have little or none, and have positive friendships that don't party, drink or use drugs or do destructive actions and keep my standards utterly high and be alone or little than have bad friendships, connections.
I miss being utterly popular and amazing, I am quiet shy, laid back and alone. I am the one who people watches and I remain positive for the reason of doing what I must. Because life is short. I saw a sign and advertisement New Orleans never was dry. (blah the irony of booze and addiction)
But I am alive, well and taking care of myself, and doing whats right for me, one day at time, first things first and reaming focused dis plained, and remembering to HALT. I am me LEE.
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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