being humble friend of bill wilson long before ZI quit drinking, and lieing to myself

02/03/08

The Insanity of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

A Look at myself, and the inner bitch of Lee and the Insanity of Being a Friend of Bill Wilson, before I started drinking, A personal self-discovery.

I was a friend of Bill Wilson long before I started drinking, I was insane. I did insane things, I lied, cheated and hurt others my way though my life upon my relocation to Houston I went nuts, Overloaded with pressure from religion, abuse, and my own trans-phobia.

I don't like the fact others where rightfully afraid of me, I had to leave raise the bottom and hope for a better life, otherwise I might have gone back out, back to county jail or state/ fed rial prison. I am deeply sorry for what I did to the local Trans gender and GLBT community as a whole.

But people change and move, on I needed a frest start. I am afraid but more humble from choosing life, and not existing, I raised the bottom to collect life, and build a future. I had chance and chances again. And I blew it, people cared, people still cared, but I could not go on. I go on here afraid day to day living in uncertain times, my bones,hand, and back hurting from bad choices, abuse unreported or afraid to be reported or when I reported it no record of service and being hit or having my ass kicked by law enforcement by choice.

I am tired of being sick and tired, I am tired of it. I see folks here messed up on the drink, drug or instance mentally. I see folks banished from trans gender groups, meetings for reasons or causes prior. I don't want it anymore.

I would rather be “L” (HALT) [Hungry, angry, tried,lonely] Lonely being quality vs quantity and not lowering my standards, I had a lot of the bill Wilson insanity, and I got drunk the first time in my life out of resentment for not listing to folks who cared in the Houston TG meetings and further down hill from there, I survived un-reported suicide attempts, abuse, risks, auto accidents, and abusive sexual relationships.

I did this to me, and pay the price. My bones chill in San Francisco,CA due to the cold winter my bad back and hand and other poor choices. I now live day to day being humble as a servant to myself, and my inner bitch hoping to repair the damage to my life, what I did, and not resentment. I have a fresh start and I am using it wisely.

I miss my friends, items, truck, and all who gave up. I wish I had listened, and I was wrong, but Now I am doing the right thing being humble, and starting over from not much else but having more than I should in gratitude, I had to do what was right for me and walkway.

Life sucks, and what I did was insanely wrong, and someone else did what I used it. I don't have control over the folks who abuse the system here, and make it hard for folks who need help, those who get SSDI or SSI and stay in shelters so they can use drugs, and party, those who stay in shelters and Have jobs etc.

Its wrong, but I admitted defeat for my soul and inner child. And hope one day when I have my life together I can visit, and be welcomed to those I harmed and scared away from me with my Lies, dishonesty and self-destructive actions.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)