02/18/08

My friend and I went at it, friendly a bit last night and I discovered with my pondering and self-assessment for my chapter to my own gnosticism. I learned, it is important to be true to myself, and my inner child. I have gone back to veg / vegan eating depending on mood. And eating once or twice a day and drinking a fuck load of water and knocking out the soft drinks more.

I feel better my skin is clearing up again. I am tired, I miss a lot of things, I'm tried of being wrong, being stupid and well not being treated like an adult, all I wanted my whole life is such, and I don't know, I know I am not going to drink or use today. But I know I was wrong, it was in my best interest to leave the lone star state, go someplace cutthroat, its rough but I'm making it and adjusting in myself.

I'm not even going to go to lambda center when I am in town I am going to rough things a bit, low key approach in town, very briefly quickly and quietly and without leavening much of a trail or my travels swiftly jump through town, and make it to phone in the same day.

I'm tired, scared, lonely but my good deeds of honesty has reaped the rewards, there was a rough homeless person at one of the drop in centers which is mostly gay gays, an occasion moleskin and gender-queer, trans gender, and thyronine. And I did something nice, I bought a complete stranger a cup of coffee, not to show off, but because I felt convertible and to be fretful of severity and wanted to hope others to be non judgmental, and I care.

Its the same way, it was in Houston folks still cared, I honestly wanted help, but the negativity and stereotypes, and drinking and using CW as my scapegoat, was me, I had to leave I was the problem and I have to make a living amends, I hurt knowing even I was wrong, somethings wrong with me.

I have some health problems, and confusion in my sobriety, massive stress, but law enforcement doesn't know me on a first name basis, I try to keep low key, and rough things out till they get better, I prefer quality not quantity i8nr relationships, I saw one of the girls who works at a coffee shop that was in the scan Francisco chronicle about GLBT voters torn between Clinton and obomma.

I know one day, ill go back make on a 5 year or more mark, for sobriety but Texas died in me, I need to make some fiancée amends, to a few folks, I composed about 10 people in e-mail or snail mail letters about wrongs I did, closure is good. I miss the insanity, I don't know how It happened, personally I find most other trans genders disgusting here, some are cool, but I am picky.

I try to broaden my social outside of TG circles and distance myself, and not bitch as much or become overly narcissism with, myself, soul and keep my inner bitch, drama queen, attention whoreish, drunk out of the reality. I go to meetings, eat this shit, put up with folks who are using, doing drugs, drinking and also that need professional help. I was able to get help here, I was not about to commit myself again in the hospital district.

I left because of breakdown,and meltdown, the reality is If I didn't leave when I did I was going to commit suicide, its a revelation I had. I had planed in my aa mindset every thing that could go wrong, the manner and mutilate methods, and die in such a brutal fashion, but not endanger anyone else, or break the law in a manner that was bad.

PMG bitched me out today, about leavening and doing what I did, I am so sick and tired of just wanting family or folks to accept, I cant talk about it. I recently discovered my fear of ladders, so many years ago I didn't remember. I am afraid because of being hurt by a realistic who is now deceased who gave me incentive around 5 years old to climb a 25 -30 foot magnolia tree, that I didn't want to,to prove and break me of my queerness and don't want folks to think I am square.

I also had to walk on some very hot cement, and not bitch and complain to make a man out of me, and toughen my stuff, down below> unquote.

I donut know whats real and not when I was drinking between, the reality is clear, I was wrong, admitted it and moved on.

I just hurt because I lost a good potentional friendship to the end, I only hope one day I can face her and a few others . And maybe even let her have her dream, of a shelter and safe place. I plan to work hard toward that. I admire her turning the other cheek, advocating for me, and extending the olive branch, and having so much hate and bitterness toward her.

I was wrong, I am humble, I hope I can be friends, I honestly miss Houston, I left knowing it was too painful to ask for help with some who saw me off and on, and I figured out somethings, I drank heavy to not remember, and fog myself into stupidity.

I only wish my friend at the shelter could understand it not being a choice, or attention whore, I am female in the brain, I just hurt and donut remember much, I cam afraid of going back out, getting messed up, jail, or dieing, suffice, or not ever achieving in life.

But optimism is key,and the goal to happiness and enlightenment, progress not correction one day at time, first things first. I leap bounds, and merciless, and being humble. The truth is My life was fricasseeing and I could not ask for help, or whatever.

I know and also learned because of being hurt, my home being violated, I wish I had a roommate. I don't think I could ever live alone again, or without a very big dog to protect me. Or maybe two big to medium dogs. I don't feel safe. I don't want to dwell on it.

But I know I was just as wrong, the abused, became the abuser, and bitch and drama queen, she (I) got sober, and now understands and remembers the keys to life. And deals with her fears pain and suffering. I might bring a friend when I go back to make amends, if I make a good friend in the program with more sobriety, just because of how horrid I was in Houston and the bad memoirs, maybe in time, with progress I will overcome these feelings and emotions, one can hope so anyway

Caio.

Today I am greaten I learned about myself, worked out with my sponsor, and made progress and understood the dangerous off the path I got when I was sick, we have some rain later this week, and teas will prob bely get some of this system next week.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)