Life in San Francisco and a new happy chapter in my life

Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Slept good last night this morning, have an appointment about obtaining a grant to go back to school. Also going to clear up my IRS issues this week for tax estimation, a happier chapter in my life begins. My grandmother went officially into cartiric arrest, and is in a coma, with little chance of ever being alive in this world. She’s in a breathing machine.
Ate a yummy veggie side salad Jack in the box has awesome vegetarian salads. The best in San Francisco for the buck. Have to go pick up my inscriptions at the drug store as well. Slept well.
I miss being able to call my grandmother and tell her I love her. She lived to be eighty-five, and doesn’t want to live on a breathing machine. I also added some code to my site yesterday. In addition, the front page of the San Francisco Chronicle, speaks MUNI Accidents Cost S.F. Dearly. Which all the law suits, bad drivers, and poor reputation of the San Francisco Municipal Railway. We also ranked 2nd as the greenest city, we scored last for risk of disaster in the united states.
San Francisco ranked last due to the following reasons
1.) Traffic
2.) Lack of affordable housing.
3.)
Like Hurricane Ike, it’s a bad time to be in San Francisco when threes an earthquake, the same way it’s a bad time to be on Galveston island during a hurricane, and it’s for a non alcoholic a good time to be on bourbon street in New Orleans enjoying a hurricane at jimmy buffets Margaretville.

Gratitude List
1.) Grateful that I made amends with my grandmother
2.) Grateful that I have people in San Francisco, Houston, New Orleans, Berkeley, Oakland that Care about me
3.) Grateful That I am sober
4.) Grateful that my dreams are starting to become a reality
5.) Grateful to have a good support and social circle
6.) Grateful to have come to California on Jan 6th 2008
7.) Grateful to be sober from July 13, 2007

The List
1.) Mail
2.) Appointment today
3.) IRS
4.) Drug Store
5.) Write code, do step work, meeting




My Goals
1.) Be more adherence to my vet diet
2.) Cut back drastically on my coffee and iced tea consumption
3.) Drink a fuck of a lot more water
4.) Attend more bulimic anonymous, debtor anonymous, and overeaters anonymous, anorexic anonymous, video game anonymous, interned addicts anonymous, online game anonymous meetings
5.) Be kinder to others with service
6.) Read the big book more





Furthermore Discovering more about myself as an individual I continue to live, long, grow and prosper as a wonderful individual.
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

03/08/2008

Today I have more to my own chapter to my own gnosticism I discovered more about myself, life and my own chapter to my own gnosticism and life with progress not perfection, this morning after leavening my place of residence and solitude. I had one guy hit on me, a receipting collections truck driver hit on me while making his rounds, and a homeless pan-handler who smelled of booze, and meth get close to me, and try and intimidate me into giving over the money.

I don't show fear, I don't give a fuck, the only choice is to remain zen to keep enlightenment, and zen, progress but not perfection with life, love and fear of the unknown. I awoke at 2am this morning to peace, and took a nice long hot shower and did some grooming, washed my hair and other tasks to keep looking nice and pretty. I left at 5am and saw a beatufl California sun rise, have a meeting on the agenda. I also have other factors and tasks I need to finish and archive to reap the benefits of progress.

I also have more progress in myself and chapter to my own gnosticism, I have one more meeting to archive my mandatory 4 meetings a week I also discovered more about my own life and who I am as a person, I don't want the drama, and insanity I need, and know what I want out of life on my terms, but I will play by the rules, so to speak the written ones, the legal ones and some of the un-written ones.

Myself I discovered more of life, and fear of the unknown I also know more about my own life and progress but not perfection in my own, enlightenment, peace, and love of myself, joy of the world, and gratitude.

Today I am grateful for:

Being alive

having a roof over my head, food in my tummy

Moved on with my life, working my program

I am grateful for the fellowship of AA and 12-step programs, I am grateful for life, and renewed clarity.. I am grateful for faith, faceting my fears, and enlightenment and peace. I miss my folks, I miss Texas but alas I move forward

I also know more that being progressive in my own gnosticism and life, and opening up more I love more about myself and like being alive, talking about myself and becoming myself. I also think I know more about who I am, and faceting my fears.

Furthermore, The life I want to live, there is a saying I saw while watching a 1980s move angels in America, which the closet case LDS / Mormon amused me. The necessary choices in life are not easy to make but contunineing to make those choices on the path are even more difficult.

The other factor is, I was recently told by a former LDS person, that they want me back, to repent for my “sins” I am who I am, I don't chose this, I know what I am. I left because of the pain, I don't disbelieve in the god, I am more spirituality religious and more gnostic.

I this morning ate French fry's and a cup of coffee, I am loosening weight after some path of my diet and enlightenment, when I go to meetings I remain focused and disciplined and self-parent better. I went to the federal bldg, yesterday and TCB, only to have to return on Monday.

Also when entering it was a bit uneasy, the G.H. Bush federal bldg, is odd and obscure looking looks like a prison and is the state of the art, fed rial building and one of the only ones build after 9-11 and bushes term. Oddly enough they put it in san Francisco.

Texas has the George Walker Bush turnpike,(Dallas) and the George Herbert Bush Airport (Houston) its sort of like putting a senator Lloyd Benson or one of the other known segregationist highway through a black neighborhood, because he took the houses with emanate domain. Gotta love southern, and Texas politics.

Furthermore I am glad most San Francisco Resdiants had some light, or not destroying and land grabbing the Alcatraz Island and to knock down the cell block, and but it back from the national park service, even though its rough and a dark chapter in prison history, the best way to learn about the present, and keep the future around is to preserve the past no matter how painful.

I have to get a meeting today, and go to church tomorrow, and finish or amend my homework which I already starter ed working on my 1^st step. Again. I also might do a few rounds of CS (counterstrike) before and in between the good bad and ugly, I also was invited to one of the libertarian party meetings which I am an ind pedant swing voter, who is more libertarian/green + ind pendant.

My photos and other things I have some digital art, some html, xml, and php, to work on today. I also have some search engine optimizing to do, and to prepare for my flight from Oakland, International to New Orleans the drive th Houston, than to phoenix for the next leg, than to L.A. I might take a few photos in west Hollywood, and pick up something from Disneyland for the Talley's and Darline's Disney collection.

I also plan to pick up a New Orleans PO-boy and some good old fashioned Texas BBQ or BBQ Baked Potato. I also have some route planning, some accommodation have been made. I have an appointment this week at the collage. I need to print some documents before I ride the subway out there.

I saw a pickup truck that was kinship to mine right down to the few stickers even have the BYU license plate frames, yesterday I ran into 3 Mormon / LDS missionary's walking down the street I ducked in a side street, I hid from the Mormons. Mild amusing.

I updated my space, and face book, I also found someone I went to high school with from Harvey, LA and that is their hometown wow small world, and is the lead pastor of one of the church's and mission and missionary programs, I have some volunteer service work I am going to be starting to rebuild my resume, and maybe do a house-cleaning route. Or part time retail.

I also more over have life, and enlightenment, inner peace and the inner wild insane bitch more or less under control and discipline and continue to archive enlightenment, peace and joy and self-love.

Tomorrow morning I have to get up way super early and life will be a bit of a bitch, I have to leave even earlier than this morning./

Life is going for the better, and I am accountable for my actions, I am powerless and don't have control over what other people, places or things, and must remember hungry, angry, tired, lonely. I also hope Gina Masten gets her shit together. I think I figured out what happened, she called me late at night, the alarm keeps going off and a lot of false alarms, the cops busted her at home with pot and stuff and I think she is going to get help and treatment, I think she is going to get in the right direction, judge keller is not going to put up with her bullshit.

I think she also needs to get her act together, and do more for her self, and achieve enlightenment, and want to change, and clean up her, life I think forcing into treatment is bullshit, I am more in favor of incarnation given, you cant help change someone who does not want to change and help themselves, they just don't want the consequences. And I am 2000 miles away and cant do jack shit about it. Maybe a Class B misdemeanor for possession of pot with 180 days in jail and 5000 in fines will convince her to clean up and get sober and clean.

There also are other TG folks out here that do not always, do the right thing, I learned how to survive and picked up tasks and use my clearly for minupulation and allow myself to be positive and passive, and don't cause trouble, I don't go vigilante and stand up to every person if they refer to me with the wrong pronouns.

I am passive if they are not abusing, me if I feel I am not in danger unless its a health care, or legal, or something else as a libertarian I can choose to spend, my money time and matters elsewhere thats the beauty of capitalism and the free world and economy even if the corrupts the greed and hearts of men and yuppie business execs.

I also learned more about the world, I am not “banned” from anyplace, I am being very good and behaved and doing and staying out of trouble, harms way and overall keeping a low profile and keeping toward progress not perfection for enlightenment.

Myself, I know more and more about who, what and where I am I know where I am going, where I want to go today and latter in life. And I recently watched a new season of monk, and know generally where some of the scenes are filmed out in the jungle out there.

The truth about San Francisco is its not for the light and faint of heart, its for the enlightened and the California dream does still exist its just not this magic fairy land that folks expect. I look forward to miles of the pacific coast highway, Interstate 10- Interstate 5 and lake Tahoe, and The national parks.

I recently in one of my groups was invited for $100 to go on a retreat to Utah in the wonderful ZION National Park in a few months in a huge motor home and fleet of motor homes, I may consider this seriously, though I think I like being alone, quiet and in solitude, give me a backpack, a 4x4 pickup truck, cam and a net connection or broadband card and a charger or solor power charger, and I will be happy anyway.

When I went in the fed rial building I was a bit uneasy with the fed rial protective service, given things they did to other Tg folk in Houston, they were a bit uneasy, in their mannerisms but relaxed quickly and was pretty nice to me in general and I was well respected and behaved.

Furthermore, I encountered something else, my friend and enlightenment more and more as billy idol says in the midnight hour she wants more more more, thats sort of like addiction and addictive vampire personality's which I am working on in faith to my own personal jess I progress day after day, progress but not perfection one day at-a-time I archive more and more enlightenments, blessings from the God of my understanding, and my higher power.

Not to believe or disbelieve in god, or jess or the gates of heaven and hell, I just think theres something else, and more and progression in spiritual well being has not lacked or progressed as much as the rest of the world, and enlightenment,, but slowly with these baby steps progress is slowly archived into the light.

The other part is all my life, I felt like I was living and being a lie, nothing was ever good enough, I was unhappy, I was scared, the hardiest choice I made was to come out here on faith, and start over do things right with my transition, and to realizing people tell me I am a failure I am NOT a failure, I allow folks to make me proactive myself and optimism is key.

My mother was abusive, I was abused growing up, even HJM abused me sort of and I suppressed my feelings he hid from me, and tried to make someone out of Me I was not, I was 5 years old and pushed into doing things I didn't want to do, out of fear of discernment or abandonment, and I had to progress into enlightenment and faith.

www.--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The reality of life is not what you do, but what you don't do and who you are and true to yourself. The discovery of my own flaws, and defects and crimes against myself and humanity and having more compassion and allowing myself to higher standards not biblical but not thinking I am better than you or the next person, but desiring better and progress

The chapter to my own personal discovery and chapter to my gnostic and personal spirituality, individuality, overcoming my Trans-phobia, and allowing my inner child to grow without vokkia, beer, or wine or smokes is a desire in it self.

Meetings life to life, day to day, desire to progress, to change and positive optimism, and not draining like the vampire defect and personality I have but need to remove and change, the saying old habits die hard is true but the desire to change is change in self, mongering of your progress and achieving enlightenment zen, and life in it self beyond drinking, resentment, and relapse and insanity is a growth in it self.

Being progress but not refection and choosing the right, even when its hard, which I made, being a humble servant and the daughter of the goddess of my understanding, I proceed out of the deep dark tunnel that you know you have been down and where it leads, and choosing life, enlightenment, faith, chance and facing your fear.

I know I made the right choice, and what is done is done, and I am alive, and the weather is beautiful and progress is happening, I just must remain disciplined, faithful and choose life, and do the right thing, and remain focused and sober.

Laundry got done, took care of some other applications, post office is the plan on Tuesday, finance later, and church didn't happen maybe I need a meeting more and I must remain focused like the inner child, Capricorn border lining on Aquarius.

I will soon be able to fire up my pickup truck and let 298 HP ROAM WITH MY 4 WHEEL Drive tailgate into a garage I found a better deal and look often and not at plans when things come through which they are. I also have a new doctor to continue to prescribe my HRT and joined a outpatient treatment for folks who are sober, and thats good and catered toward my needs.

I found new more desirable housing in a womans shelter that is appealing, ran into a few friends, and some cute dyke's and soft studs hang out there. It hurts to see folks who gave up on hope, and life and fucked up trans genders. Oddly enough in a meeting yesterday we had to close the window due to pot mixed with crack blowing into a 12-step meeting and progress and enlightenment was archived slowly, only in San Francisco does that happen.

I also will get a meeting today, and found a closer borders to get my map of san Francisco, I also might go visit my friend again that lives out in piedmont but wont show up at MLS without calling. And have seen the Mormon temple in Oakland amongst other factors.

I compose this with hope, luck, and faith of a god, godless and my guardian angel of enlightenment, faith and a better life while in youth and progress, doing, not bitching, or suicide bull shit cry s for help, I live and have life, and feel alive, maybe I was uncertain, maybe it was the off levels of my hormones and other factors, but its happening, and I admit I am afraid, of relapse, death and being hurt or going back out at repeating prior transgressions, so I get my cute little vegan ass to a meeting every day, to practice progress, life, and the god of my understanding with other assholes, crackpots, fallen women, and drunks and those insane alike to keep coming back knowing it does work even if other don't.

And knowing my sponsor cares, and love me and I learned I have to put myself first, I have someone I like but she smokes, pot, bitches and has an abusive friend. And fell to the stupidity of san Francisco dark side, lucky for me I had a true friend whom I missed her call and hope she is Keeping up on my blog from the cab of her 2007 Freighter sleeper wherever her owner operate status keeps and and she doesn't jack-knife again.

I also love my family,f friends, friends of Bill W, people who cared, and acquaintance, those I need to make amends to, those who hurt me, and the power of forgiveness, faith and a better understanding of myself and the way the world really works both from San Francisco, to Oakland, To Berkeley, to New Orleans, to Harvey, Austin, Dallas, and the Lone Star Sate truck stops, the INTERNET, global and around the world and my loyal blog readers I wish others the best of luck and enlightenment.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

12/25/07

Had a amusing day today, took photos out on Galveston island, went to a meeting or two. Have these feelings and emotions and weird things, it was the first time I drove on a freeway, and on hills in a long time. I also had some fuck heads mess with me on 45 near the south sam Houston toll way fuck with me flip me off and say a bunch of obscenity and verbally taunt me, and I walked away from it on my way down there.

I found some sea shells, and part of a coral which amused me, a very hard peace of a reef in the foam and surf side, ate good arrived back in Houston around 2pm, and ate left leftovers from labma, had more meemories of my mother, others and things from the past.

Also remembered more of my life, and grew more, was scared shit less I don't like driving anymore, the freeways and those that drive from Galveston to Houston or from clear lake, weber, frendswood, pearland, league city etc are insane.

I keep my mind busy and jogged around Galveston island and ran around the sea wall and went running. Its better than self-termination or a Remington shotgun to the head, in a abandoned building, or jumping 20 floors to my death and blood splattered over the ground.

I also did not see many or much law enforcement today, on my time on the island, I only saw one Galveston county sheriff on the area. Doing a traffic stop close to the Harris county line (half way) in

I also passed and mucked around Tiki Island a bit. And had to use the 4x4 nice having a Baja Pickup Truck. I want my peace, and love of life and optimism again, and the resentments and insanity to end, self termination inst a option , nor is drinking, I'm not sure.

I think my time is coming in closer and close somewhat of sorts I don't know why, I had a spiritual experience to myself, I had peace I occupied my pain and learned I cant handle change or a road trip or insanity or much else. I don't know what I do not want to be mind fucked.

Maybe admitting defeat to the insanity is good, maybe the end isn't so near, maybe just the beginning But I already Knew that, It scared the shit out me, my neighbor was drinking, I have a nose for a drunk and stupidity

The other factor is I also have more and more and grew myself, I know what I must dod even if I have not done, it I have zen even though its not pleasant I have enlightenment sort of I think one day at a time I go back in time, I remember now and remembered painful, things I don't want to remember but I did, reality is a bitch, so I deal with it, I just don't talk about it, I cope sort of, I have to love myself, live breathe in passion, love and joy again I hope anyway, I hope to live another day in spirit again, I hope to breathe in passion sort of. I'm going to get an eye exam also soon.

I slept good and last night went to a al-at hon at a 24 hour club, and met some young folks under 18 aa members and under 21 who already fucked them selves up and had some juvenile probation and Juvenile Department of corrections kids there.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

news and views and myself

12/16/07

My right side hurts, pulled something. It aches, as does my left side and my many marks from work and other things mostly archived in Houston, though a few childhood scars, one on my right leg, my head mark made in high school when I feel and split my head open in my freshman year I was known for the kid who busted their head open.

I remembered something more recently a Insecurity and self-development. And other tasks. I have laundry to process today, I packed, ate ok, slept ok, recharged and will tough things out. The wet and cold weather, Texans have no clue. I love the weather. I love, the cold, rain, snow, and when its cold.

I dream of telecommuting in Montana or retiring a ranch in the mountains and rural high life would be great, or a loft or townhouse in the bay area. The upcoming election seems odd, and disappointing. I like Dennis Kucinich due to his support of transgender inclusive EDNA but it would be to far left, Clinton is ok, but again a flip flopper, and a lier of being supportive of unions she was the first woman on the board at Wal-Mart and just dont trust her. Obbma has not much experience is ok, but skinhead groups and neo Nazi, and the KKK would really hate Obbma.

I like Nader and see myself as a green party, libertarian, and ind pedant swing voter.

The county jail bond failed In Houston due to the fact of total lack of law enforcement we spend so much on the city of Houston police department IT and information systems in fact we have a bigger IT budget than the other 4 larger city's in the united states, due to the lack of law enforcement, being a major city with zero zoning and urban planing.

We have the problems of LA, NYC and some where in the mix folks are tired of the lock them up, Texan thing. The big deal is due to having to put cops where the spikes in crime and GPS and real time crime and 911 tracking every 6 hours and soon to be hourly real time crime updates and in car GPS systems.

Now you pay Your HOA a fee, for fast police response so you don't become a Joe Horn, which the big disgrace is he is wrong, He shot someone across the street. The other deal is the roads are falling apart partially due to hurricane Katrina destroying the port of New Orleans and making Houston the port capitol of the united states of America, over loaded trucks are destroying our once proud Texas highways.

In other news, the town home across the way is still building up, my old neighborhood was the scene of another murder and home invasion and glad I left that area, id rather put up with the inner loop and big city that suburban outskirt apartment problems in the crime ridden complexes of west chase / memorial / spring branch.

George W Bush as further disgraced this country due to giving our Oil rich Alaska land to the ruskies. The war in Iraq is costing tax payers more, The ICE (formerly INS) is now using commercial airlines to deport illegal criminals in Houston due to the lack of armed forces transports. We have more and more things going over there, and a grave yard of hummers, and other equipment on the rails or Houston.

The KBR rape case, and backwater groups as well as the wackenhuts long listed ties to murder for hire and CIA front is saddening. The cover ups lies and disgrace to united states of America that we give the ruskies oil rich land, the lack of media outrage and focusing on stuck of parris Hilton getting busted again for DUI or Britney puts her kids on ebay, or OJ doing a armed robbery is disgraceful we want real news.

The famous BBQ join long lived to The bush family and joy is closing in wake of more inner city town home development due to Big Oil greed in Houston, Otto's BBQ is soon to be town homes while the suburban ones will be gone the Old BBQ place will be town homes, much like the cirrus house and maybe even the beer can house will be gone soon.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

12/14/07

I am tired of hurting, the pain bleeding in. called my sponsor today, figured out the issue with the problem with the documents for the auto repair, must go into the shop asap. God I am stupid and have allowed my life to become unmanageable.

Took care of other affairs more recently. Also took care of other matters. Send some payments off, talked to other folks. Did some e-mail house cleaning, and wrote come code today.

Did some research more recently. Ive been at peace pretty much as of late. I must move on and move forward.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

12/10/07

Talked to mealine today, had a productive day. I love myself and feel very good and confiantr about myself today. And dont want the action and adventure today. Have some tasks to finish later this week. And had success.

Im toughing it out, and accepting the concequences of my actions, the pain hurts, talked so someone else. The hollidays suck, went grocery shopping for a craveing this weekend. Ate a whole bag of the korger sour cream and onion potato chips, and green onion kroger brand dip than ran and a ¼ of diet coke that ran it off, to deak with the pain and watch my weight.

Also have a plan for later tonight for a applacation for doing some airline work, I miss traveling on the open road, with adventure and such. A short or regional haul thorugh semi-rual houston texas outside the gird lock might be fun or mildly amuseing

Went to the post office, some documents showed up others did not. My policy and documents also arrived. I know my website was used against me in a civil ligation and other matters as my blog. Blah.

I also grow tired of someone not getting the message of my bounderies and respecting me my needs, wants and desires one day at a time. Austin might be where I start over before doing my excursion to my birthplace of Oakland, CA and the Bay Area.

I miss my folks but Im not going home this season, is for pondering medation, fitness and thought and self-reflection and growth.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

Dark Angel

Enforcer of the night, goddess of Houston Texas The Dark Angel of space city rides off in her lone ranger into the sunset

I hurt knowing in Less than a month the time of action, reaction and choice sets in as the day draws closer to god, faith and some powers at be someplace, somewhere. I hurt knowing my right and wrong what is right and whats not.

I am having flashbacks of myself, the past, present and future. Possibly Houston despite the painful memory's and choices will work. Or can work if I work it. The life might be ok, someplace in a god or I prefer a goddess or some temple, faith and fate will kick into interpersonal growth and self discovery, love and self acceptance within myself, life, love and start to live again not exist.

The growth of my life myself god and a higher priest and or priestess, some power, someplace some where It continues to grow, bleed,l scream and discover. I know I am alive, but I Feel dead inside, my bag of bones, I slash down and bash my brains on the ground, But sober I shall, into Hell, or heaven only a god of my understanding shall tell.

I hurt knowing how bad I once was, the power of ego, lack of self-will and pity party, and boozing my way through medication, death, birth, and pondering into the future, not reliving the past I am gone, gone with the wind, the blood of my heart, mind, body and soul bleeds into the cesspool long gone and forgotten of the streets of Texas, Houston, and Harris county, the barker cypress and addicts reservoir I drown, the sam Houston toll way I smash into shame, forgotten who is to blame?

Do I really live, I don't feel alive in side, My colt 45 trembling at my side, I honk and reload and shoot the foe, of the past, present and future only to be lost by a pack of wolfs and wild creatures, off road, on the road and on and off. I stray around the interstate, us highway, farm to market roads, state highways, local roads, county roads, brown fields, oil derelicts, rednecks, yuppies, law men and women, Texas rangers.

On the seat of my Lone Ford Texas Ranger, I lie, The AK 47 by my side, the pipe bomb of narcissism dead by the hide, or cattle, the lonely gunshot that rattles. The single shot of faith the leap without bound and enlightenment the termination, and failures lie before me the girl who never was sleeps tight with the single shot she bites.

She cries at night with the 9mm by her head praying for life, and to be alive in her mind, body, soul and passion, she try to bring the courage into life and fashion. To hold on she must, to ride off into the sunset she shall, the lone ranger all jacked up she rides, in her 4x4 she goes west as she shall, interstate 10 westbound, up interstate 5 she rides the lone ranger into the sunset the fx4 emblems glistening under the full moon, like a werewolf she thrives off conversion, blood gets spattered lesbian bonnie and lee she shall, with the dog behind them she rides firearms by her and her companion she rides.

The vampire in her sucks the energy out of those she encounter, they abolish her, to all she encounters, she seeks revenge in her narc ism and ego and greed, its all about her not be. So she slaughters males, cops, people who care, she only is about her, and has a thin hair trigger, shooting left and right through being a terrorist, she slaughter with the pen not the sword. The death, body count and terrorist she leaves behind.

She slaughters her abusers, rapists, priests, sisters, and others like her. She makes poor on her word due to being a coward and greedy, a lier, narcissist, poet, and mind over matter, she has a spiritual hair trigger her AK47 of a mouth is the reason, that death is in the season in the air tonight, looking for her next victim at night, living and lieing, though terrorism, break a leg here and there, fire a gun or fireworks off in the air.

Break here and there, launder some money, take care of a person there, Red rum this, abuse that, beat the shit and get the truth out of the enjoyment of torturing others, and scaring the shit out of others as well. She might as well be in hell. She cant live with the faith and the bad girl thing does not cut it anymore, lieing down she pulls her kit and prepares to die on the floor, the pump action shotgun is not needed but she wants it is the season.

Maybe she committed some terrorism crimes, maybe it is all left behind. Maybe she shot the glass, at those in her past, framed those rice round and round, firing all around. The stick of TNT left in spite she gives a evil terroristic grin into the light. Left in the air tonight, she shoots all in spite, for it is the season, round em up and kill them for the reason.

She slashes a wrist there, cuts one on a nasty toilet on a forklift there, minuipltes this one there, and leaves that redneck out in the cold in disport, hatch this hatchet that, kill that one and don't do that.

She is a Texan by the oracle, of stupidity, so she shall get her 15 minutes of shame for the world is not to blame but the bitterness inside, she kills all at her side, for no other reason than the enjoyment of power, privilege, fear in the hearts of men, who abused her and she abused her self and did not listen. She is a vampire and helps terrorize others on the street, living out of a suitcase, boxes, and a truck on occasion, luxury hotels, and motels and rv parks, and army and police surplus shops are in season.

Gun depot, mom and pop she rides in stride, just put the bottle down for good this time, now fast aproching 5 to 6 months sober a choice now must be made in stride to keep leaping from life to life trying to fix what once went wrong, or keep going along in space city or the bayou city. Or shoot em up and fire up her pick em' truck and shoot across the open highway for a road trip with god as her god, savior and co-pilot along for the ride, keep shooting side to side.

The bitch and redneck and fucking attention whore is gone inside, she rides with her switchblade, and baseball bat at her side, and occasionally a 38 by her side, she wonders if she can ever live again. Or die trying or hop a train , or a amtrack, or maybe a greyhound or go back to hired help, putting fear and intimidation in the minds of men, her social path does not need to begin again.

Help is what she seeks, the holidays suck, she does not like the slut next door, whoring around left to right, she has more self will and pride than that, mind over matter, and damn sure her scams, and cons don't work, but she does and works hard, just lost the integrity in it all.

She is a selfish power, bitch the switch is off and that is agony, sometimes victor, henry, john, Enrique, james, Almaden, carl hurt the most. Her racism, and haltered and stereotypes of blacks, Mexicans, and inter racial is by what they did to her, long ago at west Jefferson high school the hurt her.

She views her self as a vampire, vigilante, Gothic, lesbian who hurts and brings fear power and control to the world, showing those who don't break the law, that they get her wish, as an enforcer here and there, while they honk she reloads destroying, all that oppose, with the pen not the sword she lies alive before to tell her story in a timeless fashion she is alive by gods passion.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)

12/03/07

As of late my teachings of buddism and studys I shall take a day this week to rest study and not have any contact to bring me closer to a higher power this week. I shall be alive and well but only be in spirt and enlightment for a bit of a time Please keep me in your hearts minds and body and soul.

In other news, the idot maybe got the message tonight, and someone else also learned more. I also have a crush or two and have grown more and more and more. I want nice things, I want peace, joy and love but am bedazzled as to how to do this, or higher power or faith maybe this will.

In other news check out the last concert cafe and other points I bring to speak more and more,

Go around here to there, and mind over matter. Just Do it.

I have some items I am working on, and turing to phone off and disconneting for the world for 24 hours to bring peace, I chose the learn the real world and my true self. And the next direction into inner peace. And I shall not panic.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)