Thursday, November 13, 2008
Slept well last night, doing laundry today, also going to work on brining LEEMCG.COM up to the new server and make a custom 404 error page. Im reinstalling some of the server modules, and extensions. I also have to bring up a few other things
I talked to Clair Fairly, and saw Jenna, at the TLGB center; I also spoke to someone and have a follow up leads to do. I worked on some issues with my program, I need to get out more and around, and will start working on that. I found something possibly a 3rd love interest in San Francisco, I don’t want to get my heart broken again, I’ll take things slower this time, without the U-Haul Metaphorically speaking.
Furthermore, I continue to grow as an individual, my heart is in Information Tech, but Non Profits are where I want to be or a civil servant. I admire those who serve the public trust, and do good deeds where a lot of need is to be done in San Francisco.
I’ve managed to dodge some of the common pitfalls some individuals make here off and on, But continue to grow, after laundry today I have a drop or two to make as well. I also have other things I need to do at POS, and issues and logistics to iron out.
Moreover, I need to be less outgoing and annoying, and also work on my social issues, and trauma, and pain and agony in my heart. Somewhat I am reluctant to let go of manners, it’s what keeps me motive and such a hard worker and push myself so hard.
I think I am going to start volunteering someplace, and I took an orientation someplace, I also have some files to back up as well (Think DVD-R & DVD+RW)
Furthermore, I have been thinking of life, myself and where I want to be in a few years, I am going to cut some areas out but also keep some, I’ve also thought of some finical matters, and my fathers hatred of me, but also love, even if obscure.
I have séance moved on, I have been having much delight in my progress with my electrosist whom has been working wonders, I have about half way where I need to be and it helps a lot,
I also am tired of facing persuction, based on other TG folks actions, demeanor and hate and think most transgender folks in this city have other issues to iron out, and showing your 5 o’clock shadow is fucking disgusting.
For example threes this one girl whom we dislike each other dearly, she pisses like a fucking man in a women’s bathroom, in public city government owned building and I have witnessed her do this many times before , private that’s just fucking nasty and disgusting. One time I was shaken down due to something she did in a public building and proudly displayed my F Drivers License to a law enforcement officer that was responding to complaints of “men dressed as women harassing in the bathroom”
Whom this officer, took me for a “witness lineup” which I was cleared of doing “obscene sexual acts ”and committing “criminal trespass” and “various sex crimes” the fact that SFPD hates TG folks or some of them do, I don’t blame them for stereotypes, given the trash they have to put up with.
If I was a cop, Id problem just be as pissed off with queers, trans-women, homeless and all the shit SFPD has to put up with in bay view, the tenderloin, hunters point, the mission and just law enforcement bullshit amongst them selves, and as a cop day to day. Its why I like cops in general, seriously I would love to date a really butch cop.
But I’m always nice, and avoid law enforcement interactions as much as humanly possible, and they for the most part respect me, and I’ve been told by one sometimes “bad things happen to nice good people”
Its interesting and fascinates me to see the generation gap in Law Enforcement and how the treat and deal with Transgender women, we are lucky to have someone as the president of the police commission such as commissioner sparks which by the way is a Trans-woman. Whom I bump into on occasion, on the street, in the Castro, pacific heights, and even inside a police station when I was filing a report or going to with someone to file a report as a friend of bill Wilson
Another Example of disgusting transgender behavior, is voice pitch, demeanor, and mannerisms, it’s no wonder this disgusting woman or so called woman, who had a drug and drinking problem and violates he body by having sex with men.
I don’t understand how (pre-op) Transgender women could disgustingly sleep with yuck Boys, I have my orientation but Like trans-men, at least we have something in common, and trans-women (post-ops) and women. Nevertheless, I do not use women’s places of scanty nor have I ever sold my body, nor done illegal drugs.
The other point is when I drink or go out there which today is sixteen months as of 7-13-2007 when desperate for a solution I walked into the doors of Lambda Center in Houston, Texas. Furthermore, It’s a mile stone one day at a time, this January I will have 18 months sober, and also be celebrating my twenty eighth natal birthday.
Furthermore, I have not had any nightmares but have a topic to discuss with my therapist today regarding my Post-Traumatic Stress. I have an issue to discuss with her about something I noticed about myself and a way to relax and some part of my trauma that’s affecting my day to day life.
I have a love interest possibly, that’s puzzling me and how that relates to my recovery more about this later.
Gratitude List
1.) Grateful to be alive
2.) Grateful to have folks with something in common, and my our lady of safe way fellowship
3.) Grateful to be myself
4.) Grateful to be in San Francisco
5.) Grateful to be emotionally secure
6.) Grateful to have a sponsor
7.) Grateful to have food, clothing, shelter and money in the bank
8.) Grateful to have my basic needs met
9.) Grateful to be in control of my life
10.) Grateful to be secure in myself

The list
1.) Meeting
2.) Do homework
3.) Make mental note to acquire file cabinet for space
4.) Make note to FedEx items to DLG plus X-Mass Gifts
5.) Laundry
6.) Perform research for clients
7.) Continue to grow and let people in
8.) Pray to my own personal goddess
9.) Write letter to San Francisco Chronicle
10.) Work on e-mail, website, leemcg.com, banking, payments, improving my life

It also soon marks a 6 months séance becoming legally female, in some retrospects, and other mannerisms. I still have a long way to go. In addition, going legit is hard; I see why the power, money, fortune, fame, and my sickness is what got me here.

By golly! I would not have it any other way for I am Leigh McInnis Gaetjens
--
Leigh "LEE" McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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Life and the progress in San Francisco

Thursday, July 24, 2008


Slept well last night, today working on a few projects for a client, also have therapy today and a few other errands, have a few doctors appointments also, and some research to perform for myself and a few clients.

Had another nightmare last night, I figured out why it’s around the third anniversary of Katrina, talked to DT recently about Louisiana Politics, Katrina, Harvey, and crime and geographical and economic change. Also discussed becoming older, wiser, and being alone. Moreover, hurt and sick.

The past few days the San Francisco Chronicle, The Street Sheet, SF Guardian, Sf weekly have had articles about un-accountability, extreme poverty and homeless and life in general and the seeder sides of areas like SOMA. Tenderloin, Castro, mission, western addition.

My paper work is safe lucky for me, having off site digital document storage, a file room and access to a co-op and other various arrangements, laundry is on the agenda, I also am washing a few things for a client as well as some dry cleaning.

The affirmation LDS GLBT conference for Mormons is coming up or former such in September on the city of angels, a good drive down the coast, as well as some job hunting, and the fact I might have a Transgender Man or a Queer female to go with and roommate at the conference hotel, or maybe get a motel on the outskirts of los Angeles, and split fuel expenses with the trip between us, in my 4 wheel drive tailgate.

I hope things start to go through soon, which they are in partial fashion, the conference could maybe wait till next year as well.



It mind boggles that such and so many GLBT folks , and average Jill and Joes could spread so much hate and tensions in Americas most labial city is so divided and open-minded and over intellectualized. I also feel as for my own political views, and personal reasons, jail or such could be an option, I hate this country, state and would not mind pleasing no congest to a bank robbery, but no weapon, no violence and a note, and spend the rest of my life in jail for Transgender equity, deny parole and repeat over and over. I would be willing to Scarface my life for what I believe, and who I am and for others. Not even attempting to get way, I would want deportation to some place willing, I would surrender peacefully.
That is insanity and crazy talk and would likely never become a reality.

I am a noble person, honest, grateful, outgoing, and stave for independence, I talked to DT yesterday on the phone about if I ever grew old, senile or ill and lost my impedance, I don’t ever want to be in a home and have someone take care of me, financial matters or other affairs.

I also know my narcissism, pain, and drama and inner bitch is not healthy, and nor is my vigalantisim and playing the fucking victim, I even need some accountability for my own actions, life and present cirmstances.

The meeting this morning was good, mike came in again, we had two throw two people, out the police were called, and I had a bad morning, and the nightmares around the anverssy of Katrina, my recovery work on the gulf coast. Lately the nightmares are horrid. I still remeber spending time in New Orleans Pre, Post, Katrina, reliant park, minute maid park and other locations in Space city. I remeber assisting in transport of ammunition to New Orleans for The New Orleans Police Department, working search and rescure in 2005/2006 in Houston a bit for a missing child during the holidays, and also becoming and joking the drunk paaty around that time from being an al-anon.

I called my good aquances ray hill (Houston v. Hill) head of the prison show on KPFT which is occaonaily broadcast in the bay area on KPFA, came to san Francisco Jan 6, 2008 with six months of soberity lived with a friend, than lost it all when they left, I have had hard times but I am sober, and attempting to rebuild my life.

I am greatful today on
1.) Being able to express my feelings, ask for help, respect others boundaries, and also draw the line at myself
2.) Being able to deal with others sickness in a positive affirming manner
3.) Being able to do what I need to do and not bitch about it and choose to surround myself around positive individuals.

I dislike bureaucracy, government and the way of system, but I know how to work through red tape, given my customer service, leadership, and ocd, and desire for protection and being an over-achiever.

I know I try too hard, I just have so much I want to do in life, and never want to grow old, I’ll be 30 soon, but don’t look it, yada.

Anyway duty calls.









--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
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5/4/08

The reality of Life, is not life it self, I found another sponsor, I want the insanity to end, I want recovery, the answer is to recovery is I dont, know. I just know what I dont want, I dont have the answers, but I find them more and more one day at a time, the fear of relpase, is not an option.

I have a somewhat busy upcoming week, I have school matters to deal with and tend to, I have some sinus problems, I feel a bit more recovered, I also need some time to work out my issues, My hair is fixed, and the currls are back again

I picked up some hygine things yesterday at my trip to the walgreens, I also have a meeting on the adgenda this morning, I ate some yougert, and am going on a new diet within reason, as well. I also am going to do more walking again, clearing my throughts in recovery.

I need to back down and stay away, I dont want more resentments and hurt, I also admited I was wrong in what I said to another TG person recently about her, and her drug uses, But I admited over reaction to an addict, I offered a meeting book, she refused, but I made pace, and made ammends, one day at time.

I know CAN be a cold blooded, selfish bitch, and very nasty, mean and minupipulative but at least, I find faut in my defects, I met someone, and I also have a new sponsor, that I feel comfortable with.,

I have some medical things, and therpey apointments this week as well and much more to do, Ive just be so very busy, I am going to turn in early tonight, and get a good workout.

Maybe read and also work on some PHP before going to bed, for the night. I also might work on my INTRANET, on my other server a bit, where I keep my life in order, and have a lot of personal information stored offsite.

I also have other things to work on, I am a bit sick and dizzy, I also figured out where the largest ANTI equity progressive church is located in San Francisco.

I also got a few respnoces from various ads I am running currently, I also composed a few other factors, and letters more recently as well

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
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A open letter in Progress but Not Prefection!

4/16/08

The reality of being sober, Progress not perfection.

An e-mail to my geeky, gender queer sponsor.

“I am feeling better, I rested yesterday from 3 pm awoke at 7pm, and slept more, had an interview yesterday, and I also got more sleep, went to the our lady of safeway meeting tbhis morning, I feel better and less of a bitch as I have been lately, Ive been being quiet and listning more, I am sorry for exploeding recently at the country club, I rested good for my soberity and soul and feel better.

I awoke again at 2am and got up and showered at 4am, My back pain went away, and I got must needed sleep and r&r, I have been eating betterr and adherieing to my vegan belifes and following my religous beleiefs and have cut back on dariy, meat, starch, and coffee and tea, soda and junk foods.

I also am still working the 1st steap in paragrpah form.”

Yesterday Recap:

I am takeing better care of myself, and also Called my father to tell him I am sorry about calling his wife nasty names, sometimes I can be a cold hearted bitch, I also talked to a nice security guard downtown, and in conversation outed myself as a former drunk, who didnt drink in meetings and kept comeing back.

We were discussing the politics of San Francisco and Gavin Nustom, and the welfare and homeless issue in San Franccisco, given yeterday afernoon. And using MUNI for school commuters and the bad kids that need a good ass kicking.

Yetserday some rude kids pushed me a bit, and called me something, kids today are nastym, rude and have no manners the world has become a cesspool, and San Francsico whuile as librial as it is, Is an adults playground and not a good place to rase-childrent or have children unless you are very wealthy, live in the suburbs.

Regardless, we also talked more election politics, and I slept and had a good informal interveiw, I also ran into someone from the LDS church that I had not seen in a very long time afterwards.

This WEEK:

I have a counceling apointment and therpey apointment., and other things this week I am very busy. And tired and sleepy. I also burned out more and more and might go down to the university later this week. I also have understood the trip to Louisiana and Texas is NOT A GOOD IDEA, and think of phonix, and AZ or LAX as a place, I also found a auto storage place in South San Francsico not far from the airport (SFO) and The port and cargo plants, I also found places in other things.

God (of my understanding) Bless myself, texas, San Francisco, My Higher power and My own personal Jesus.

I have a wonderful day and life and faith restored.

--
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 425081
San Francisco, CA 94142
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)
mlgaetjens- yahoo messenger
mlgaetjens2038 - aim/aol messenger

Feelings of life and love

11/17/07

The truth is I wish I could go somewhere tonight, but I know its not in my best interest. I feel sad, sick and scared and lonely, maybe I need sometime alone. I want people to know me and trust me, but I hurt, I hurt and hurt and hurt I want acceptance, and I Want to love and accept myself. The holidays suck, I hurt badly and want I once had.

I hurt so bad and want to love and accept myself. But I cant. I hate being alone, the holidays suck, but I have much to be grateful for. I have a plan to goal to finish to be sober and I want to be loved, I have given up, but also am Afraid of rejection and people putting me down, or being backstabber. Or being hurt again.

I hurt so much, I want myself again but am afraid to find myself here again, I hate living alone, yet fear being alone. I have to meet with my tax, and trust and disability atty. I rememberer I had so much, and did so much to fuck up my life.

I have chosen to leave, I do want my life again, I want to work, I want to love, and I want a roommate, I want a nice Baja pop up camper again, I want to repay my debits, I want a partner in crime, I want a big husky, or corgi or lab, I want a traveling non human companion if I don't have any one.

I love big harry animals, long term dreams of a big 4x4 extend cab long bed pickup truck a half-ton and a big Baja pop up camper a Baja toy hauler something thats off road. I dream of the burning man fest, and a dog and fem bot partner in crime. I wish I had a good sober, d&d and adventure and work ahead.

But alas, school, and starting over. I hurt and have in my heart to get the fuck out of Texas, I need to be someplace where I can start over be safe and never ever, be hurt again while transitioning at work or housing or at least be afraid of being discriminated against via the law, and moving to one of the most pricey metro areas the San Fransisco Bay area my birthplace is a good choice, I must start over. And will go to any lights to scarface, but alas I must remain focused on present matters.

I have forgiven wrongs others have done me, and I have forgiven myself and started to let go and move, on and stand my ground in pride, I start to communicate and educated a bit on issues, I called a suicide hot line tonight, just to talk the pollen and my bad algerie are hurting. I discussed some over the counter cures with my more experienced sponsor.

I dreamed of something odd and obscure last night my body is in massive pain, my back and neck hurts badly and I am suffering but I am sober, have a roof over my head, have a few nice and positive things, and have something with 4 wheels that runs well.

-
Lee McInnis Gaetjens
Ind Contractor / Web Mistress leemcg.com
PO Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
mcinnisleegaetjens@gmail.com
(713) 578-0016
http://mlgaetjens.livejournal.com (blog)
http://mlgaetjens.photobucket.com (photos)
http://www.leemcg.com/ (Website)
http://www.transitioningfemale.com/ (blog simulcast untill transfered to moveable type)